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I had been busy so busy with college that I didn’t realise staying cooped at home could make one desperate; so much so that they are willing to use any excuse to get out of the house when they get the chance, even if it is visiting their mother’s old friend with them.
Yes. I am very definitely telling you about myself, about the day that could have turned out so much better had I not met someone. But maybe I am also glad I met him.
It’s very intriguing to observe how your mood can change drastically with even a slight mention of the things you dislike or something you wanted to forget. Well, my day was pretty much predetermined to doom then.
Life expects difficult things from us simple people. To cross any obstacle that comes at us without prior warning, and then to collect our feelings in an instant and continue living on? Difficult indeed. It’s something everyone does though, isn’t it?
But even though I want to think that it would be simple enough, it really isn’t.
Sometimes certain situations leave us feeling helpless.
And helpless did I feel when the door to that lovely apartment opened and my eyes fell on the not so lovely person who answered the door. Time stopped, my surroundings froze, my mind running at 200kmph as I looked at him.
His face was still the same, albeit a bit mature, his short-cropped hair now fell as bangs on his forehead, still as spiky as ever, which changed his appearance to a great extent. His skin looked tanned as if he had spent hours in the sun playing basketball which he probably did.
A black hoodie hung loosely over his body with some punk band’s name written in yellow, bottomed with pyjamas; and were those freaking abs that I saw?! And his height oh my god, he was at least 6 feet.
His hands looked calloused and bigger than they used to be. He must still be playing the drums. Even his taste in music hadn’t changed.
I noticed these details in a span of 2 seconds as he greeted mom and called out to his mother that the guests were here. He held the door open as mom walked in but I stood frozen in my place, not daring to look at his face. Mom’s feet disappeared inside but the door remained open.
He is looking at me, ugh he is looking at me, of course he is. I can only escape this by pretending not to know him.
I suddenly realized I was giving him the importance that he didn’t deserve. And why should I do that?
I stopped my inner monologue and thought, to hell with it, I ain’t gonna do shit for him. I have tried enough.
So I looked at him right in the face. He had been staring at me as I had thought previously and our eyes met for a second before I blatantly smiled at him and walked inside.
Seeing him after four years was a shock, to say the least. I exhaled slowly. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t care for him anymore nor associate with him. Meeting him changed nothing. Nothing at all.
I sat down on the sofa along with mom after greeting aunty.
“We had been friends in college and had been in contact even afterwards. But four years ago, they had shifted from here. Recently, she reconnected with me and I got to know that they had moved back here to Musutafu. So, I had to go meet her once.” Mom had explained to me beforehand and had told me that her friend also had a kid my age.
So much for being excited about meeting someone new, I thought as aunty introduced him to me and mom. “This is my brat, Katsuki. He is attending college and he’s also got that stupid band of his, whatever it is called.”
The so-called brat muttered something irritably.
It seems my mother was not aware that we knew each other. That’s how it should be anyways. I think she knew about Kaachan but thank God she didn’t know his real name.
“He looks like a good kid,” my mom commented, to which I totally wanted to disagree. Should I tell her about the nights he sneaked out or the days he skipped his classes to hang out with his friends?
I genuinely wanted mom to know, I reasoned, to which a part of my brain responded with how about undoubtedly bring that dumbass to his ruins.
“This is Izuku. He also attends college and has been studying psychology.” Mom seemed proud of me and I smiled a little.
Both the ladies then started talking about their good old days while I took some refreshments, avoiding looking at the someone sitting right in front of me.
I looked around the house. It was a decent place they had, quite modern and well maintained. In the far corner of the lobby though was a door completely different from the rest of the house. It had a punk styled sign saying ‘to the basement’ and various posters of different bands and band stuff.
I guess he really was busy with his band. Maybe I did annoy him by contacting him repeatedly. I shook my head a bit as if shaking off the thoughts. No, even if I did, he still shouldn’t have been rude like that.
“Katsuki, why don’t you take Izuku out and give her a tour of the apartments while we have some talk,” aunty said suddenly.
I had been lost in thoughts and flinched a little when she mentioned our names in the same line.
I could almost see him saying “No thanks,” but to my surprise, he just stared at me expressionlessly and replied, “Sure. Why not?”
I also wondered. Why not give a tour to a person you have been ghosting forever? Why not indeed.
I stood up and followed him without a word. We walked through the park in silence with me being a step behind him so that I didn’t have to deal with his awkward glances. We sat down on a bench and I thanked God that I had remembered to carry my earphones.
I plugged them in and closed my eyes, letting the music drown out the present. After a few minutes, I felt a poke on the arm, the culprit being him. I removed the earphone and glared at him.
“What do you need?”
“Just wanted to talk.”
“No thanks.”
“Deku please.” He sounded a bit desperate. I wondered why he would want to talk to someone he found annoying a year ago.
“You have 10 seconds.”
He looked at me incredulously but I just stared back.
“Time’s already started,” I said nonchalantly, stretching out the last word.
“I am sorry.” He said.
I was disgusted at the fact that his voice still held an attitude.
“Is that it? Alright.” I said and resumed listening to music.
“Deku,” he prodded me again.
This situation was simply too annoying. I completely removed my earphones and turned in his direction.
“What do you expect me to say?” I asked in an irked voice.
“Can’t we talk?”
“I think we are doing just that, unfortunately so.”
“No can we really talk?”
“You were the one you didn’t want to. Don’t you remember?” I asked, suddenly feeling a sense of sadness blooming inside me.
Four years ago, before he was about to move from here, he suddenly came up to me and apologized for the things he said and did as a kid. I was shocked beyond belief. I couldn’t understand what brought this unexpected change of heart.
He asked me if we could stay in contact and I agreed. From there on, we started texting each other quite often. He told me had joined a band. He seemed pretty excited and he was literally never excited about anything.
I thought his attitude might get better after meeting more people but then we suddenly started talking less. Soon there were days with no replies from his side. He wouldn’t pick my calls and I thought he might be busy with his band. But after two months it was pretty clear he didn’t want to talk to me and was ghosting me.
I didn’t call him again, until a year ago, on his birthday. I assumed he would at least talk to me on that day. I didn’t expect him to pick up my call but he actually did, though it didn’t go too well.
“Hello?”
“Hey Kaachan. Were you busy?” I had asked hesitantly.
And then in a really annoyed voice, he had said, “Yes, I am. What do you need?”
I promised myself that day that I would never think of him again.
It was hard not to but I tried, until now that he is here right in front of me, trying to talk to me.
“I was rude to you last time. It was really a bad time trust me, and I took my frustration out on you. I am sorry.”
“You are sorry? Okay even if I believe you, why didn’t you ever call me back? Maybe I wasn’t that important to you right?”
“Hey listen. Please. Believe me, I was busy with my band. The thing is, my bandmates didn’t like if I gave attention to anything except my music, so I had to cut down on my texts and calls.”
“And what of it? That might happen again, who knows. Why even reconnect then?”
“I know we lost touch. But can’t we be like before? I promise I won’t do that again.”
As soon as he said that, my composure broke as my anger reached its limit.
“Don’t give me that ‘be like before’ shit. You broke that, do you understand? It can’t be fixed. Don’t even bother to try. And what’s that? Lost touch? How can you say that after shamelessly ghosting me for two fucking months? I. AM. NOT. A. PLAYTHING. Who was the one who tried reconnecting after three years? And who was the one who wouldn’t pick my calls even once for weeks? How dare you say that?! To hell with reconnecting, I didn’t even want to see your face anymore asshole.”
I stopped to take a breath. I had a lot more to say but I had always been a softie. Even me saying this much was kind of a wonder.
“Deku,” he said pleadingly, at least as pleading as he could sound. “I know I was wrong. I just need one chance. Please let me do this. Let’s start over.”
“Isn’t that so easy for you to say,” I said in a quiet voice, trying to control my emotions.
“I just-
“No Kaachan, you don’t understand!” I yelled, my emotions finally bursting through the small corner of my mind I had restrained them in.
“You don’t know how many times I wanted to talk to you but reality came knocking on my door saying you didn’t feel the same way. You don’t know what I went through. And you don’t need to because we aren’t that close you know. You broke down what we had.”
My voice was shaky. I felt I was on the verge of crying. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a tear or two leaked out during this whole ordeal. I always was the emotional kind and now my walls had broken down.
“We are unfixable Kaachan. Please stop.”
I waited for him to say something but I realized he had frozen and was staring at me with wide eyes. Unintentionally, I had addressed him by the nickname I gave him.
I smiled sadly. “That is the last time I say ‘Kaachan’. After this, Kaachan will finally stop existing for me.”
I looked down at my hands and spoke to him, having finally calmed down. “For me, we had something special, even though I can’t give a name to it. I don’t know how it was for you. I can only hope it was the same. But I cannot turn back to how it was. I can’t let ‘Kaachan’ exist for me in the present or the future. It must remain a memory of the past.”
“Izuku,” he said in a small voice as if almost choked up.
I looked up at him in shock. This was the first time he had called me by my name.
“Kaachan. Kaachan. Kaachan.” I repeated that special name for some time, trying to feel it thoroughly. Then I got up from the bench and adjusted my clothes.
“I’ll be going then. Katsuki.”
He had been silent the entire time after saying my name and he didn’t speak a word, even in the end as I walked away.
They say some things are meant to be. Maybe our goodbye was meant to be too. I could finally let go of my lingering feelings.
However much I cared for him, he had hurt me too much. A normal friendship wasn’t possible anymore.
Circumstances sometimes force us to go against our hearts. If I hadn’t let go, I would have undoubtedly been hurt more.
Sometimes…
It is acceptable to walk away.
It is okay to respect yourself enough to turn away from anything that no longer makes you happy or feel worthy.
Even though I still won’t be free from the plague of what-ifs, it was better to walk away.
I loved you once upon a time and that little chapter of my life finally came to an end.
Goodbye Kaachan.