Work Text:
Caitlyn
Hey Cait I know you and Vi are having girl time today but I’ve got a mystery for you
Okay so I know I said I had a mystery for you and that was kind of a lie.
Well it’s not totally a lie. It’s something else
Cait I need your help
I only said it was a mystery because I hate admitting that I need help
I really need help
The mystery is still with what there’s still a mystery
Please, Cait, answer your phone
Cait there’s a baby here
I found a baby
There’s a still a mystery I don’t know how this baby ended up in the trash out back of the bank
It was in all the papers and it smelled awful
Wasn’t even crying or anything
I don’t know what the fuck to with a baby, Cait
Oh, it’s crying now. Great.
How long can it possibly take for you and Vi to bang can you please pick up your phone
It's a girl
I think she might be hungry.
Cait what do babies eat? Can they have.... Cereal? All i have at home is cereal
Nvm I found the baby food section at the store
She doesn’t like the pea flavor. Going back to the store. You need anything?
She almost crawled out of my arms to try to grab a purple box off the shelf so I bought her a rattle thing. I figure it’s like those stimtoys you’re always forcing on me, right?
She hates the rattle
Oh I found her a purple one. Really into the purple
I think I'm gonna call her Amaranthine. It’s a lot more convenient than going “This baby” repeatedly. It’s not that i’m invested or anything but it’s stupid. Anyway naming her after a dumb purple flower because she’s a dumb purple flower.
Cait i have a meeting can you please for the love of fuck come take this baby
Nvm meeting’s starting wish me luck
That went better than expected. I did have to punch Ezreal because he scared her and she started crying and I really needed him to shut up.
Everybody digs a guy with a baby apparently. I’m a chick magnet.
Maybe I should keep her, she’ll be a great wingman.
Wingwoman. wingbaby. whatever
I’m buying diapers. Do you know how to put on diapers?
Nvm I figured it out. I have a PhD I can put on a diaper.
Hey do you think Viktor will reschedule breaking into my lab to punch me a bunch if I send him a note that he might hit a kid. I would really rather not deal with that.
I am writing Viktor a letter
How do I get him this letter
I yelled his name a bunch until a spybot came out to beep at me and just held it up. That'll do, right?
Amaranthine’s hands are really small. She wrapped her hand around my thumb and it was just the one hand all the way around my thumb. She’s so tiny. How could anybody leave her like that?
Babies are really cute. I guess I kinda get the hype now.
Hey qq how does adoption work
Nvm i’m asking Mel
Urgh, paperwork
Cait let me know when you’re free to babysit I need someone to watch her while I make a high chair
If that seems unusually responsible of me, go fuck yourself i can be responsible
Also she grabbed my laser prototype and nearly killed me when I turned around
Takes after her dad already
I think I heard the spybot laugh
Anyway lmk when you get this we’re going to the park. I’ve finished the paperwork and I’m gonna get ice cream to celebrate and show her some birds.
What the fuck