Work Text:
A person who thinks all the time
Has nothing to think about except thoughts
So, he loses touch with reality
And lives in a world of illusions
By thoughts, I mean specifically, chatter in the skull
Perpetual and compulsive repetition of words
Of reckoning and calculating
I'm not saying that thinking is bad
Like everything else, It's useful in moderation
A good servant, but a bad master
How in the world had this happened? Oikawa had no idea. One day he had his magic, could control the air around him, could fly around, reach for items all the way on the other side of the room; and then the next he’d stumbled out of bed, and instead of being able to correct his balance with magic, face planted the ground, receiving a yell in return from the apartment below telling him to shut the hell up.
He thought that was a little unfair since he barely ever made any other noise.
But he was deviating. Where was his magic?
No longer could he compress the air around him to warm himself, nor could he instantly heat the water in his kettle to make his morning cup of coffee. He could do none of those things any more than he could open the door in front of him half asleep. His magic was an extension of himself.
“What the fuck…” Oikawa muttered to himself as he wrapped himself in a blanket as he stared at the kettle, willing it to heat up quicker.
~
His next obstacle was arriving at work. To sign in and get through the barriers, he had to use magic. Each magic signature was different, just like a fingerprint, and so they used it for identification. But if he couldn’t use magic, how was he to enter the building?
He paced outside the building in his suit, watching as all his coworkers entered. Every minute that passed, his mood soured further. How was this possible?
Theoretically he should be dead. There was no way for anyone to survive without magic. It was effectively their soul. Take the magic out of the person and they ceased to be able to exist. Many, many tests had been done on just that, and there was no way for it to work. Some theorised that magic transplants should be possible, but it was such a dangerous theory that no one had ever actually tried it before.
“Urgh,” he stopped pacing to lean against the wall, sighing. This train of thought was getting him nowhere. He obviously still had something, otherwise he’d be dead, but how was that possible?
“Oikawa- hey, Tooru!” a voice snapped him out of his daze and he jumped to attention, looking towards the voice. Akaashi Keiji, one of his coworkers, was frowning at him. “Are you ill?”
“Huh? No, well, no but there is something wrong,” Oikawa started, trying to get his thoughts in order. His head really wasn’t in the game today. It was like some fog was covering his mind. Perhaps he should have capped himself last night.
“So you’re not ill but something is bothering you. Come inside and talk, maybe we can talk Sawamura into giving you a day off,” Akaashi suggested, starting towards the barriers in the building.
“Wait-! Uh- I can’t go in,” Oikawa said quietly, finally admitting it aloud. It was different saying it. It made it more real. “I can’t use my magic…” That caught Akaashi’s attention. It was like Oikawa had broken some sacred law of magic. Everyone would have the same reaction if they knew too.
Why he had told Akaashi what was going on was beyond him. He just said it without thinking.
“Shit. Come with me,” Akaashi grumbled and grabbed Oikawa’s wrist, pulling him over to the security room next to all the barriers. They checked everyone’s signatures and checked for any discrepancies. After knocking on the door, Akaashi stepped back and waited.
“What are we doing? The door is supposed to stay locked,” Oikawa pointed out.
“Only one needs to be locked with earth magic to stop people from entering,” Akaashi explained as there was a slight rumble before the door cracked open.
“Oh-” Oikawa started, wondering how Akaashi knew all of these things. It wasn’t like it was public knowledge.
“Bokuto-san, this is Oikawa Tooru. Would you mind if we spoke to you for a moment?” Akaashi asked, and the figure behind the door emerged more.
“Akaashi~ Oikawa~ of course. Let me just lock this-” Bokuto replied, evidently excited to see them. “Okay, what’s up? You look miserable, both of you.”
“Bit harsh,” Oikawa grouched back at him.
“Be nice,” Akaashi scolded them both. “Oikawa can’t get through the barrier today. He-...” Akaashi looked over at Oikawa to make sure he was okay to go ahead.
“I can’t seem to use my magic,” Oikawa finished the sentence.
“Yes, that. And since I have a meeting to attend, I thought you might be able to help Oikawa. I will cover with Sawamura, but I can’t afford to take time off,” Akaashi explained.
“Uh- okay. I mean, I have ideas,” Bokuto nodded, and with that confirmation Akaashi patted Oikawa’s shoulder before heading into the building.
“Right…so, ideas?” Oikawa asked.
“Questions more than anything. Then we can look into that,” Bokuto nodded, not saying anything else.
Both of them stood in silence for a moment, just letting the world pass by.
“Well? What questions?” Oikawa asked, noticing Bokuto almost jolted out of his own little world. Wonderful, Akaashi had left him with an airhead.
“OH! Well when and where do you remember last having your magic?” Bokuto asked. “We can go look for it there.”
“You do realise that we’re looking for magic. It’s not like a phone or something,” Oikawa snapped. “You can’t see it or touch it or just lose it. I shouldn’t be a walking talking person.”
“I mean. You say that, but where does our magic come from?” Bokuto countered. “How do we use it?”
“I- I don’t know. We just do! It’s a normal thing. Why would I think of that?”
“Dunno,” Bokuto shrugged. “But answer the question. If we can pinpoint when you last used it, we can work from there to try and figure out exactly when you lost it.”
“Fine,” Oikawa sighed. This was going to take ages. He would say he at least appreciated the company, but he had a feeling that Bokuto never stopped talking. “I was out at a bar last night with some friends.”
“Okay! Let’s start there. We can ask them if they saw anything weird,” Bokuto nodded.
“Why are you helping me? Just because Akaashi asked you to?” Oikawa asked.
“Well I mean, it’s still sorta my job. I can’t let you into the building without identification, but I can’t just stop letting someone come to work…” Bokuto explained simply.
“I guess that makes sense,” Oikawa muttered, before sighing and accepting himself to this fate. “The bar isn’t so far away. Come on,” he started heading away from work.
“You really shouldn’t go out drinking the night before work though. It does affect your judgement on the job,” Bokuto pointed out.
“Yeah yeah, I know that. I’m still working on par with Akaashi though, aren’t I?” Oikawa said. He knew he didn’t exactly apply himself the best that he could, but it was enough to get by and continue living comfortably.
“...imagine how much more you could do though,” Bokuto rebuked quietly to himself. He knew he wasn’t cut out for the smarts of lawyers or researchers or all the high paying jobs in the city, but he was strong and he could help other people feel more protected, and protect those that protected others.
They walked in relative quiet down the highstreet towards the bar Oikawa had visited previously. There was nothing that would come of this, and Oikawa just wanted to get it over and done with before he lost his job.
And all so-called civilised peoples
Have increasingly become crazy and self-destructive
Because, through excessive thinking
They have lost touch with reality
That's to say
We confuse signs
With the real world
Most of us would have
Rather money than tangible wealth
And a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed
And to read about it the next day in the newspaper
Is oddly more fun for us than the original event
“Sorry I dragged you back there. I thought something might jog your memory or something,” Bokuto admitted. “You could see one of the doctors?” he suggested, before holding his hands up at the glare he received.
“No doctors,” Oikawa said firmly. He wasn’t going to see a quack just for them to tell him some bullshit.
“Okay okay. But you should really try and slow down a bit. If you can think more clearly, you’ll probably figure something out.”
“Are you telling me to calm down?!” Oikawa asked. “You realise how fatal this could be right? To me, and to the company?”
“Of course,” Bokuto shrugged. “But I’m not telling you to calm down. You work under pressure every day, I’m just suggesting you do that here?”
With an exasperated sigh, Oikawa rolled his eyes and started walking. He didn’t know where, and he didn’t care, just so long as it was away from the dimwit following him. How did Akaashi expect him to get anything done with him around? If anything it was stressing him out more. And now two other people knew apart from one.
“I’m nothing without my magic, just like everyone else,” Oikawa started to explain. “I can’t work, I can’t even use my car. It’s like losing a limb. I don’t think you understand that, Bokuto.”
“Course I do. That’s why I’m tryna help,” Bokuto replied from next to him, and Oikawa had never had more of an urge to push someone off a building than right now. “But you really think that without your magic you’re like everyone else?”
“Well what have they ever done for me?” Oikawa asked. “I can’t even do anything for myself now. So yes, I am as useless to myself as everyone else.”
“You still have your head,” Bokuto shrugged. “Your brain, I mean. Some people have all brain and little magic, other people have all magic and no brain. You have both.”
“Yes, and your point is?”
“Use one to get the other back.”
This is a disaster
For as a result of confusing the real world of nature with mere signs
We are destroying nature
We are so tied up in our minds that we've lost our senses
Time to wake up
What is reality?
Obviously no one can say
Because it isn't words
It isn't material, that's just an idea
They spent the rest of the day wandering around, only to get nothing practical done, and Oikawa expected Bokuto to leave when the sun started to set, but no, he just stuck with him.
“Do you not need to go home?” Oikawa asked harshly, sitting down on a bench next to the road. He was frustrated, tired, cold and most of all he was annoyed.
“No,” Bokuto said, sitting down next to him. “And anyway, I promised to help you, so here I am.”
“And what exactly have you done to help me?”
“Take your mind off just how lonely you feel without your magic,” Bokuto offered.
Oh.
That’s right.
Oikawa didn’t have a response to that, and he sighed. What would be wonderful right now would be a drink to help him forget about everything that had happened today. If he hadn’t been lonely before he lost his magic, he sure as hell was now.
He thought back to when he was younger. His closest friends in school were now employed in successful jobs around the city and he barely ever saw them. He’d gotten into the law firm he’d wanted to be in, and risen through the ranks quicker than almost everyone. Akaashi was probably his only competitor when it came to smarts.
But even then, Oikawa would class them more as rivals than friends, despite working together daily.
“Magic is like, a manifestation of who we are, on an elemental level, isn’t it?” Bokuto asked.
“Something like that,” Oikawa sighed.
“Then, if we’re not being true to ourselves, will our magic weaken?”
“...huh?”
“Well I mean, it’s possible for some people to have two elements isn’t it? But they’re usually pretty weak. And kids are usually pretty powerful, and they’re mostly sure of who they are…”
Did Bokuto just come out with something that made sense?
“I heard you the first time. I just wasn’t sure if it was you speaking,” Oikawa told him, before realising how harsh that sounded. “It makes sense,” he affirmed.
“Yeah, don't think I've been possessed or something,” Bokuto shrugged. “I was just thinking, cause I always used to fool myself into thinking I was smarter than I am, so I tried all the wrong things. Turns out what I was good at, is what I do now. And I’m really good at what I do. I just wasn’t being true to myself.”
Oikawa sighed slightly when Bokuto started ranting again. It was an interesting theory. Had he lost himself in success? Every day he did the bare minimum. He went to work, did what he was assigned, which granted, was a lot. But he rarely did overtime, rarely put the same amount of effort in as he did when he was back in school.
What happened to that perfectionist? The boy that stayed behind after everyone else making sure he was the best at everything he did? The boy who knew exactly what he wanted.
What did he want now? Putting anything to do with magic aside, what did he want?
“It’s not realistic as an adult to be as true to yourself as you were when you were a child,” Oikawa sighed. Was he overthinking this?
“ Reality is… the point cannot be explained in words. I'm not trying to put you down. It's an expression of you as you are, ” Bokuto stated, before shaking his head. “Your magic I mean. If your magic is weak…does that mean you are too? I don’t mean you you, I mean like a general you.”
One must live
We need to survive, to go on
We must go on
A gust of wind picked up around them as it slowly dawned on Oikawa why his magic had abandoned him. He wasn't not looking out for what he wanted, but he was stretching himself so much for other people that he was doing the bare minimum for himself. The drinking and socialising, that was all for his appearance, and not for him.
Competing with Akaashi, that was for the company. It made them look better, but not him. He didn't help people, he just got a job done.
He could only compare it to gift giving. He was giving what was obligated of him, and that didn't feel good. Giving something thoughtful, something he wanted to give, that was important to him.
That was what he wanted.
And he should start with being honest to the person who helped him figure it out.
"Bokuto, you should think about going into researching magic," Oikawa chuckled. "Personally, I think you're far too loud, but you have some interesting ideas."