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1.
The first time he hears her say it to another, Anthony is floored by a heady mix of awe and disbelief that unravels him in seconds. He finds himself unable to take another step, another breath even.
In theory, he knows it is true. She makes sure that he knows with every word leaving her lips, every impertinent tilt of her head towards him, every smile that’s for him alone, every raspy moan into his lips and every piercing gaze in his direction. With everything she is, she tells him. With everything she does, she proves it to him.
His Kate loves him.
In practice, however, Anthony is still learning. It isn’t easy for him to undo years of believing that he is unworthy of affection or care. The wall he has built around himself will not tumble down overnight, even if the current of Kate’s love dismantles its foundations, one powerful wave at a time. And the waves keep coming, a tidal force of tenderness and adoration that Anthony lets wash over him. It’s easiest to succumb to it at night, to let her warmth fill all the gaping wounds in his heart and to drown in the bliss of being hers.
Still, until today the knowledge of her love has belonged only to him. Anthony hasn’t realised how desperate he’s been to hear her say it out loud to another until it happens.
It’s only a few days after the accident and Kate is finally well enough to receive visitors. Her mind is clearer now that she is taking less laudanum, her movements almost at their normal speed, her smile nearly as wide as before. She is having tea with Edwina and Anthony has left them for a while to catch up with some urgent correspondence. It’s hell. He’s been away for no more than ten minutes and his longing to be near Kate has already taken over all reason. He aches to return to their bedroom and crawl softly in bed next to her, their palms intertwined as he reads to her and she rests her head on his shoulder. He vibrates with the need to comb his fingers through her hair the way he’s done every night since the accident, her curls tickling his hands while she whispers sweet praises for his gentleness.
“You take such good care of me,” she’d mumbled the night before and Anthony had thought of all the ways she takes care of him too, holding his heart in her hands and keeping it safe from the demons that had been sitting on his chest for a decade. Before Kate, he never even realised that the very breath in his lungs had been trapped.
It is no wonder that he is itching to return to her but he knows Kate needs the change of company. Begrudgingly, Anthony busies himself with work for an hour or so until he ends the torture and walks back to their rooms. He hears the Sharma sisters giggling from the end of the corridor leading to the bedroom and that, coupled with his increasing proximity to his wife, makes every one of his steps lighter. He is just about to enter the room when he hears it.
“...and I love him so, Edwina, more than I ever thought possible,” Kate sighs while Edwina laughs softly.
Anthony freezes in place, his hand mid-air, lifted towards the door handle. Time itself stops spinning, overpowered by the light and happiness in his wife’s voice, the heady conviction of her words.
Kate loves him.
Before today, as obvious as it might have been to others, their love had remained almost a secret, still fragile in the early days after being confessed aloud. The words had rolled off his desperate lips first, tinged with his panic and fear like blood seeping in crystal clear water. Kate’s own confession later, powerful and as necessary to him as the air in his lungs, made under the cloak of her physical pain.
Since then, every ‘I love you’ between them has been clearer, stronger, more sure of itself - a baby bird that has finally shed its soft egg shell, ready to take flight.
Anthony, dizzy with joy, pushes the door wide open and steps into the light.
2.
Kate can’t fall asleep, even with Anthony’s soft and steady breathing calming her thoughts. His scent is almost hypnotising, his arm around her belly cradling her gently. Yet, the stifling June heat and the babe’s constant movements have been keeping her awake and restless. Slipping out of bed as carefully as possible, Kate decides to go and check on their visitor.
Hyacinth has been staying with them the whole week. With Gregory off at Eton, she has been feeling lonely at Bridgerton House and the impending move of the family to Bruton Street has made her anxious. Anthony, always in tune with his baby sister and painfully aware of her anguish, has suggested that she visit him and Kate (“And Newton!”) for a few days. While Hyacinth’s mood has vastly improved, Kate can tell that something else is bothering the girl and hopes to get to the bottom of it before Anthony worries himself sick over it.
Kate doesn’t expect a response when she knocks on Hyacinth’s door but, despite the late hour, she picks up on a whispered “Hello?” and enters.
“Hyacinth, my sweet, what are you still doing up?” Kate murmurs, cloaking the worry in her voice with as much gentleness as she can muster, the way she used to do with Edwina when they were younger and her sister couldn’t sleep.
“I’m so sorry, Kate, I’ve been trying and trying but sleep simply won’t come! Why are you awake?”
“Your niece or nephew is keeping me up with kicks and somersaults,” Kate chuckles and sits on the bed, taking Hyacinth’s hands between her own. “What’s on your mind, love?”
“I… I’m not sure I should say,” the little girl mumbles, her eyes wide with uncertainty, her usual bravado as unsteady as her breathing.
“It’s all right, Hyacinth. You don’t need to tell me if you do not wish to. But I hope you know that your brother and I are here for you and we always will be. Anthony and I love you very much and…”
“That’s just it, Kate,” Hyacinth interrupts and even in the darkness Kate can see her look away, ashamed.
“Tell me, love,” Kate coaxes.
“I’m scared that once the baby is born you and Anthony won’t love me as much anymore. I’m scared that the baby will take my place in Anthony’s affections and he will not have enough time for me anymore. I love the baby already, Kate, I really do, and I know Anthony loves me but…” Hyacinth stops, embarrassed at the tears running down her face and she pulls her hands away from Kate’s to wipe her cheeks dry.
“May I lie down next to you?” Kate asks unexpectedly and snuggles up to her little sister as soon as Hyacinth nods her assent. “Could I tell you a secret, my sweet?”
Another nod. Kate continues, “A few weeks ago your brother confessed to me that he was also a little scared. He worried that once our baby arrives, I may not love him the same way, or have enough time for him. He said he knew it was silly, but it weighed on his thoughts regardless.”
Hyacinth twists to face Kate, an impatient question rolling off her lips. “What did you say to him? Is he right?”
“Hyacinth, you should have learnt by now that your brother is hardly ever right when he is talking with me!” Kate gasps in mock outrage, eliciting a giggle from the girl, before looking at her with all the love she has in her heart for those big brown eyes and that big, beautiful heart, for the little crease between her brows. All of them, so much like her elder brother’s. A brother who, Kate is quite certain, is standing right outside the door at this very moment, judging by the quiet creaks of the floorboards from moments ago. She knows he will not interrupt this moment, eager to let Hyacinth have her answer. Kate takes a deep breath and speaks the truth that is embedded deep in her soul.
“I told Anthony the truth - that I love him and I will always love him, each day more than the last, with every thought in my mind and every beat of my heart. Love is infinite and generous, it grows stronger when we nurture it and it makes us better people. There is enough for him, for the babe, for you and all your siblings. There is love in our hearts for people we have not even met yet, my sweet, and yet we will still love them fiercely and truly without taking love away from those we already love. I met you and your siblings and I love you all so much, but that doesn’t mean I love Edwina any less, does it? I love Anthony and I love you, Hyacinth and that will not change once my child is here. Your brother adores you, my sweet, and he will never stop, regardless of how many children we have. His love for you is infinite and true, the way you love him too.”
Kate feels the girl’s wet face burrowing in her shoulder, a small hand clutching hers in palpable relief. She turns her head and kisses Hyacinth’s forehead gently. For all her fire, the youngest Bridgerton is all softness, care and light under the surface. So much like him that it sometimes makes Kate unsteady.
Hyacinth never shies away from loving openly, especially Anthony who is the only father she has ever known. She is loud and bold in her affection towards him, leaping into his arms at every opportunity, tugging him along to play and swim and twirl with her until she is drunk on his love and attention. Yet, recently, the ever so breathtakingly independent Hyacinth has become too quiet around her eldest brother, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her curly head tucked under his chin as he sits by the fire. Kate chastises herself that she should have seen it earlier, but she also knows it was Hyacinth’s secret to share, rather than a clue in a puzzle for her to piece together.
The two sisters are quiet in their comfort with each other when a deep, sleepy voice startles them from behind the door. Kate has almost forgotten he has been standing there for a while.
“What is going on here, I wonder? My wife has escaped our room for the comfort of a much smaller and more uncomfortable bed? I knew I was always the sensible one in this house.”
“Anthony!” Hyacinth squeaks, relieved that she is not being chided for being awake so late. Before she can think better of it, she leaps out from under the covers and runs straight into him, taking him by surprise. And yet, he catches her, his strong arms outstretched to hold her like they have been since she was placed in them moments after she was born, when he had smiled for the first time in weeks and clutched her to his chest like she could save him from the darkness, her tiny heart beating rapidly against his, dispersing the shadows with its strength.
Anthony lifts her high, much too high for a girl of her age, until she nearly screams with delight and kicks her legs wildly, too distracted to notice that her brother mouths a silent “I love you, too” at Kate who is smiling at them, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
“I think that I need to try this bed myself if it really is so comfortable that everyone has decided to sleep here tonight!” Anthony announces and places his sister back under the covers before lying down next to her. Hyacinth’s small frame almost disappears between Anthony and Kate and she has not felt this content in weeks, safe and cocooned between two people who love her so much and always will. She rests her head against Anthony’s chest, counting his steady heartbeats and dozes off when Kate lightly pulls her hand and places it on her belly.
“The babe wants to say goodnight, Hyacinth, can you feel it?”
Hyacinth nods sleepily and smiles, feeling the baby’s movements under her palm. Anthony’s hand is right there next to hers and she falls asleep filled with love and hope for the future.
3.
Lady Hartside’s Opening Ball of the 1816 season is a riveting success to the endless delight of the esteemed hostess and her pleased guests.
No one is more pleased, however, than Viscount Anthony Bridgerton, who has waited for the ball with breathless anticipation for weeks. This particular event has held a special place in his heart for nearly two years, ever since meeting Kate at the Hartside Ball of 1814. His heart skips a beat when he recalls that fateful night - the sting of her foot stomping on his own, the laughter he’d let escape his lips against his better judgement, the comfort of her body in his arms long before he realised what it all meant and the first ignition of the spark between them. Anthony trembles just thinking about how that spark has burned brightly ever since, a constant fire that warms but never burns, fed by their love for each other. He has craved to return here for so long, with her, both of them in love and each other’s. The previous year they had not been able to, with Kate being with child and close to her confinement. But now, she is next to him, her hand tucked in his arm. He is buzzing with the need to sweep her into a waltz and let the world around them disappear.
And so, he does. Dance after dance, he holds his Kate in his arms and remains oblivious to everything but her soft whispers in his ear, the warmth of her skin seeping through her gloves and the love shining in her eyes. Anthony cannot remember the last time he has been this happy in full view of the ton. He knows she feels the same giddiness coursing through her blood.
Perhaps for that reason, he cannot help but stay in her orbit all evening, even as they part for a while. It makes it all too easy to overhear Kate talking with Lady Hartside by the refreshments table.
“You and Lord Bridgerton are like magnets, Lady Bridgerton, if you’d allow me the intimate observation. It is quite the change from the last time you both graced my humble gathering with your presence,” the elderly hostess smiles.
Quite intrigued by his wife’s response, Anthony remains hidden behind the decorative plants in the corner, just out of view.
“The last time, My Lady? Whatever do you mean?” Kate responds innocently enough and Anthony knows she’s eager to hear a stranger’s observation of their first moments together.
“Well, for one, you did not seem quite so pleased to dance with him as you are tonight. Or at all, for that matter. It was as though he had insulted you most cruelly moments before the dance and you had found yourself forced to share a waltz with him. It was quite the sight! I have never seen a young Lady stomp on a Gentleman’s foot as many times as you did then! And not all out of lack of skill, I am sure!” Lady Hartside finishes, clearly satisfied with the perceptiveness of her remarks.
“Lord Bridgerton and I were certainly not friendly at the start of our acquaintance, that has never been a secret, Lady…” Kate begins but the hostess interrupts her.
“And yet here we are! I have always wondered why?”
“I beg your pardon?” Kate questions, clearly uncomfortable.
“Why did you marry him? If you disliked him so, I mean. He is rich and titled, that is a fact, but I know you were never interested in that, even back then. You disliked him and I dare say, he did not like you much either. Yet, here you two are, more in love than any other couple of the ton.”
Anthony can barely breathe in his hiding spot, fuming with anger at Lady Hartside’s nerve and entitlement. He can only imagine how livid Kate must be and he braces himself for the sound of lemonade splashing onto Lady Hartside’s gown or worse, and he has already decided to walk towards the hostess and give her a piece of his mind when…
“Because I fell in love with him.”
Kate’s voice, as clear as the crystal glass she is holding in her steady hand.
“I fell in love with Anthony Bridgerton, Lady Hartside. And he fell in love with me. What could be more simple than that? You wonder why I married him if I disliked him? I’ll tell you why. I disliked the idea of him I had created in my head. I disliked the version Lady Whistledown presented, the man he never was and never will be. My husband is a kind, caring and generous man. He is my strength and my comfort. And I am his. He is the best man, no, the best person I know, and I am grateful every single day for the love we share and the family we have. While we might have met at your Ball, Lady Hartside, our story is a lot more than a dance at a ball or a rumour you have heard. Your home will always hold a special place in my heart for the memories it brings back, but I am afraid that neither I, nor my husband will ever come back here again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a waltz to dance with the love of my life.”
With a determined step, Kate walks away from their hostess, head held high among the crowd that has gathered around them. Anthony rushes to catch up with her, even though his knees feel weak. His heart is pounding in his chest and his hands are burning to hold her. He has never loved her more.
He pushes past a few guests to ensure that he reaches the dancefloor the moment Kate does before catching her hand and pulling her wrist to his lips just as the orchestra prepares to play.
“Another waltz, Lady Bridgerton?” he smiles, trying not to let his emotions show on his face.
“I thought you’d never ask, Lord Bridgerton. Though I must admit, this is to be the last for tonight. I am quite eager to return home, kiss our child and be with you,” Kate sighs as she lets him move them into the proper hold for the dance.
Anthony can feel her restless energy buzzing under her skin; she is more shaken by the encounter than she lets on. He needs to let her know he’s heard it all without upsetting her. He allows the dance to distract them both for a while, each content in holding the other close. Against all propriety, he rests his forehead against hers and feels her melt in his arms.
“I hope that waltzing with the love of your life lives up to your expectations, Lady Bridgerton,” he murmurs against her, a smile in his voice.
Kate pulls back, eyes assessing him critically.
“Anthony! You were eavesdropping?” she smirks, too aware of a time an eternity ago when he had asked her the same in this very place.
“It was hardly an effort, seeing as you were proclaiming your many reasons for loving me loud enough for the entire party to hear,” Anthony grins, proud and unashamed, his face illuminated by joy and his love for her.
She returns his smile with one of her own, brighter than the chandeliers above them and more enchanting than anything he has ever known. She clutches him tighter and lets the music drown out everything except for his quiet, calming breathing in her ear.
They will talk about this, later, in the privacy of their home - the hurt and the pain caused by someone else, challenging them but not threatening them. Never threatening, not anymore. Happiness is weaved into the fabric of their lives now, so intricately that it is hard to remember a time when they were not like this: together and in love. Stronger for being each other’s strength. More loving for being each other’s beloved. Each day richer, fuller, happier and better than the last.