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When was the last time Megumi ranted to someone about his own problems?
He couldn’t remember.
He thinks it was probably the last time all of his bottled up emotions overflowed about a year ago. He had cried one… two… three times that night. Just one night. Then he bottled up again.
He doesn’t think he’s gone this long without spilling. He’s done a good job suppressing everything. It’s been getting hard though.
Every week something new adds on. Whether it be stress from work, stress from meeting expectations, failure, anything. Every single, small negative thing was just one more drop to the bottle of emotions, threatening to flood.
Megumi was the ‘advice’ friend. The friend everyone went to with their problems. The friend everyone asked for help from. The friend who's always glad to help some in need. The friend who never asked for anything in return.
Anytime someone needed some advice, or just to rant, they would go to Megumi. He would always listen and offer whatever he could. They’d tell him ‘thanks!’ and leave. He was always happy to help, of course. He didn’t like when his friends were sad.
But sometimes it would be day after day. Problem after problem. The same thing over and over and over. It hurt Megumi to see his friends upset and struggling, but it hurt when they wouldn’t listen to his advice either. He would tell the same thing over and over and get an ‘okay’ in response but never would anything be done.
When Nobara’s ex-boyfriend kept harassing her, Megumi told her to block him and agreed. He told her this a total of four times in one week. She never blocked him.
When Yuuji was struggling with a friend from middle school constantly trying to hang out despite Yuuji not wanting to, Megumi told him to just be honest and tell him why. Yuuji never did and ended up going out with the friend. He came back to the dorms drained and with another unwanted hangout scheduled for the next week.
Megumi knew his friends cared about him but never once did they tell him ‘come rant to me whenever you want’ or an ‘i owe you one’ or a ‘how can I pay you back?’ All Megumi wanted was to hear just one of those. Even if only being told once. He wanted to know he was welcome to unscrew the cap and pour out every last drop that he had kept inside.
He was so tired. Tired of giving advice. Tired of being the ‘reliable’ friend. Tired of being alone. Tired of everything. He was tired of life. He wanted nothing more than for everything to go away. For every worry, every stress, every expectation to just go away.
If Megumi had to describe how he felt, he would tell you he felt like a candle. A candle that had been burning for sixteen years. A candle that only had a few centimeters left. A candle that was constantly flickering. Just one light puff of air and it flickers out.
He felt like every single thing that happened was just a puff of hair, teasing, toying, threatening to go out.
Megumi wanted to cry often. But he never could. He felt like he was crying but there were no tears. No choked up voice. No nothing. He couldn’t tell if it was just from a lack of hydration or something else. He wanted to say it was dehydration but he knew it was probably something else. He rarely cried. Even as a child. Crying just never came naturally to him very much. It was like a curse. Everlasting suffering with nothing to relieve it.
Even the littlest things set him off sometimes. Like the time he was overwhelmed with work at midnight. He got himself a mint to try and calm himself but it fell on the floor when opened the wrapper. At just that he cried; albeit tear-less. He would sit on the best and bury his head in his hands, cursing himself out for being a failure. For not being able to do anything right.
Megumi felt like a burden. He felt like he was holding back his friends, his peers, life. Sometimes he felt as if everything would be the same if he disappeared. He felt like he was lying to himself over everything. Did he really care about his friends or was he just being nice? He told himself he cared but a part of him said that was a lie.
Lies. Megumi lied a lot. Just simple, harmless, white lies. Not hurting anyone. Except him that is. Like when Yuuji would text him and ask to hang out, for example. Megumi would tell him ‘sorry’ and that he was busy with work, when in reality he just was tired and didn’t feel like talking. Or if he was on a walk with the second years and Nobara would text him and ask to go shopping. Megumi would say ‘sure’ and ‘give me a few minutes’ and ‘I’m almost home. I was out eating.’
He wasn’t sure why he kept lying. He figures it must be his inability to say no. He feels bad. He feels obligated to do what’s asked of him. ‘No’ just wasn’t in his personal dictionary.
All Megumi wanted at the moment was just someone to talk to. Someone who would listen to him spill all his problems. That’s it. He won’t ask for a hug. He won’t ask for advice. He won’t ask for anything else. Just someone to listen.
“...candle, huh,” Megumi whispered, laying back on his bed.
“Oi, Fushiguro? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.”