Archive of Our Own

Jungkook thinks the moment he was scared the most, was when he saw Min Yoongi with an angry face. It was more than anger, but pure rage, red and burning like fire, like magma.

It was three months ago.

Three months ago, they fought.

Three months ago, it was almost the last moment of their friendship.

Three months ago, they hurt each other.

The spectacle was pretty disgusting to see, awful and scary. No, before that, he never saw him that angry.

Yoongi lights up a cigarette.

“It’s cold outside.” Jungkook shivers.

Yoongi shrugs.

Jungkook notices how Yoongi can be quiet, as if he wasn’t able to speak, as if he couldn’t. He is calm but a tsunami, a hurricane inside. He is that rage that can’t be described. Jungkook sees it in his eyes, and how Yoongi plays with the cigarette as if it was the whole world.

“You can go back inside the car.”

Yoongi says.

“No, that’s okay.” Jungkook replies.

He’s just a kid next to him, a kid but taller and bigger, large, huge and muscular, with tattoos and piercings. This is funny, because he wouldn’t hurt a cat. The wind hits their face but Jungkook pretends.

Just for Yoongi.

Yoongi stares away, takes a drag on his cigarette.

The sky started to cry a long moment ago, some hours, three, maybe four. They can’t remember, they were already in the car, wandering, speaking when Jungkook wanted to say something and he had a lot of things to say, his courses, his life, people, family, girls. It was hours ago, and it seems to be an eternity.

Jungkook wouldn’t mind about it. Eternity.

It’s so cold outside, but so warm in Jungkook’s heart.

The car is black, totally black, the most beautiful one, Jungkook thinks. It’s his dream car, luxurious and powerful, for someone who wants to show himself off. The Mercedes AMG GT 63 S is tainted with raindrops. Jungkook could talk about this car for days and days, even weeks, the dream car. It shines in his eyes.

(“Yoongi!”

“It’s hyung.”

“Yoongi! One day, I will be rich and I will own this fucking car!”

“Watch your mouth, you’re only ten years old.”

“But I’m taller!”

“You wish, small thing.”

Yoongi gives him a flick and Jungkook punches him back in the stomach, but slow and soft.

When Jungkook was ten years old, he dreamed about this car.

When Jungkook was ten years old, Yoongi was already fourteen.

When Jungkook was ten years old, Yoongi was already bleeding.)

“Can I try it?” Jungkook asks, still can’t believe that Yoongi owns this car.

“I don’t want you to die.”

Jungkook squints his eyes, it seems to be an insult.

“I know how to drive, you know.”

“Still a no.”

Yoongi smokes and he stays calm, all the time.

The world is cruel and in a never-ending war but, Yoongi is calm. Today. For the moment. They are not the same, quite the opposite if someone has to say. Yoongi is smaller and thinner, bonny. He has tattoos like Jungkook but in a different style.

Jungkook thinks Yoongi is a piece of art.

Despite what happened three months ago.

They have the same color of eyes and hair, but everything is in the gaze. Yoongi’s empty eyes always made Jungkook feel guilty about his own life. Because, they both know how different they are, how life can be cruel and kind at the same time. It’s easy, sometimes it’s difficult.

Sometimes, Yoongi thinks it’s suffocating.

“You can buy another one if I ruin your car. What’s the point to have money then?”

“Still a no.”

“You always say no but when it’s one of your weirdo friends, you let them.”

“My weirdo friends?”

Yoongi frowns.

Jungkook closes his eyes and listens to the rain. He feels right for the moment, almost good, he doesn’t need anything else in his life, even when his parents don’t really appreciate that he hangs out with Yoongi. They don’t like him.

“I saw you last time. I was on my bike, coming to see you but you were with these random guys and one of them was driving your car.”

There’s a silence where Yoongi thinks twice, maybe more, and the cigarette is turning cold. Jungkook shivers because of the wind.

Jungkook knows.

Jungkook knows a lot about Yoongi.

A little bit of rain, a little bit of sunshine. Most of the time, darkness. He can feel Yoongi’s eyes on him and he knows that they are dark.

(“Aren’t they too old to be your friends?”

“Aren’t you too young to be my friends?” Yoongi replies, lighting up a cigarette.

Four years separate them, it’s nothing, not a huge gap. But Jungkook is only ten and Yoongi fourteen and, people wouldn’t think their friendship is normal.

“Hey, you should go.” Yoongi says suddenly.

“Why?” Jungkook complains.

“They are not your friends.

Yoongi pushes Jungkook.

“Go.” It’ cold. “And call me when you’re home.”

When Jungkook leaves the apartment, in the hall of the building that he hates the most, he meets some men, tall with straight faces and, for a reason, he never felt that scared in his life. He meets their eyes, for what it seems to be an eternity. One of them have a scar on the left cheek.

Jungkook will never forget them.)

“Did they see you?”

“What? Yes, no. I don’t know. Why?”

There’s another silence but Jungkook is used to.

Jungkook is also used to Yoongi and his friends, his activities, his so-called job. It makes him sad, always, when he thinks about Yoongi’s past. It’s sad, so sad that Jungkook feels a lot of empathy for him. Sometimes, he cries for Yoongi’s life. He never felt happy, never really laughed to tears.

He’s used to Yoongi and his face, bruised sometimes. He is used to the danger of hanging out with him, he understands, for Yoongi's friends. He understood a long time ago.

“I don’t really like when people meet you, you’re too good for them.”

It's an excuse, stupid and ridiculous, but it takes him by surprise and makes him blush. Only he doesn't know how to take it, badly or well. Yoongi is possessive, it doesn’t make sense and why would he say something like this? Jungkook doesn’t believe him. Even if he doesn’t really know when Yoongi lies. Right now, it’s just an excuse.

“What kind of non-sense it is?” Jungkook mumbles.

“You are kind and we can trust you. You don’t hurt people, you care, even when you shouldn’t. You really care.” Yoongi smokes, looking straight in the eye.

This is not the first time, Jungkook feels weak around Yoongi.

(“What happened to your face?”

The voice of his friend is full of anger. Yoongi frowns, ridiculously in worry for Jungkook, fourteen and a black eye, blood on the face. His lips are chapped and bloody. Jungkook pushes Yoongi’s hand away of his face.

“A guy said you were a pedophile because we hang out together.” Jungkook confesses. “He said he would call the police because you should be in jail. I told him you’re just my childhood friend and he’s not like that, not even into young people because up until now, you just fucked women and they were your age. After that, he said I was in love with you. I started to beat him up but his friends came to help him and…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence and refuses to look at Yoongi straight in the eye. He feels guilty, because he likes Yoongi the most, he’s his most precious friend. He likes him a lot but their age difference is problematic.

Yoongi is horrified, doesn’t say a word for a long moment. He analyzes the face of his young friend, reaching out his cheeks, his lips, trying to figure out why teenagers are violent and stupid these days. Yoongi hates the face that Jungkook was beaten up because of him.

“What’s his name?”

Jungkook looks up.

“What?” He squints his eyes.

“The name of this guy. What’s his name?”

An idea crosses his mind and it horrifies him.

“His father is a cop, you will not hurt him.”

“I just want to have a discussion with this young man.”

“And to scare him with these knifes you’re hiding in your car?” Jungkook hisses.

Yoongi turns pale.

“How do you know?” He murmurs.

“Do you think I’m stupid, Yoongi? I know about your activities.”

It’s not fair. Jungkook is young and innocent, he shouldn’t know about this part of the world, dark and dangerous. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair, Yoongi shouldn’t be his friend.

“How do you know?” He repeats.

“People talk.” Jungkook sighs. “Some guys in my courses talked about taking drugs and they mentioned named about older guys. There’s a rumor about one of them, he killed someone apparently. It makes girls laugh, imagining him like a sort of bad boy. Whatever, after I heard your name. And they said I was friends with him.”

The atmosphere is strange, electric. Jungkook wishes he was wrong.

“Did you believe them?”

“I mean… you are not the most talkative person and you disappear all the time. You have weird friends, too old for you and you’re always on the defensive. You’re scared for me in different situations where you shouldn’t be. You don’t talk about your life and you have two knifes in your car. And your apartment, everything. Man, you have too much money for a eighteen years old teenager.”

Yoongi’s heart breaks.

Jungkook sees in his eyes.

Jungkook will never forget this face, these eyes.

These eyes telling Jungkook that Yoongi didn’t want him to know the truth.

“I am sorry.”

Yoongi means it.)

“What the hell did you smoke tonight?” Jungkook laughs.

“Nothing, I promise. I’m clean when I’m with you, I know how much you hate this stuff.”

Jungkook turns his head on the side, the wind is heavy but the atmosphere is heavier. He feels suddenly bad and observed. There’s no one in the streets, not even a stray cat. Jungkook thinks about his life, a strange feeling in this situation. Yoongi could protect him.

“What are you looking at?”

Yoongi follows his gaze.

Yoongi doesn’t see anything, like Jungkook.

“Are you alright? You look nervous.”

“Don’t you feel stalked right now?”

The atmosphere changed a little bit when Yoongi looks around, at the same moment where they see a car away. It passes next them and disappears far away, in the night. Jungkook laughs and feels stupid for thinking that.

“Forget it.”

“Okay.” Yoongi frowns and smiles.

They get back in the car, where it’s dark and where no one can see them. The car is too luxurious for Jungkook, scared to ruin it with his jeans and pants and shoes. It smells Yoongi’s perfume everywhere.

“Oh!” Jungkook jumps. “By the way, I thought the matching tattoo we could do.”

“Here we go again.” Yoongi rolls his eyes and touches his throat, covered with black ink. “If you ask for a rabbit and a turtle again, I swear to god I will…”

“No, I was thinking about gps coordinates, where we spend most of our time. Just there, under this bridge.”

(“Apparently some people died on this bridge, is it true?”

“Why are you asking me this? I don’t know.”

“Because you’re a mob boss.”

Yoongi stares at the void.

“Don’t say that.” He mumbles.

“But it’s the truth and you saw a lot of things…”

“Stop.”

“And I wonder how it is to be that powerful with people at your feet when…”

“Stop it, fuck.” Yoongi raises his voice.

Jungkook stops instantly with big doe eyes, not used to that side of Yoongi, the one who yells at him, the one who looks at him that way. He is not used, he never saw that side, that face, he never saw the anger in his eyes.

He doesn’t want to know that.

“Stop that.” He breathes out.

“Why? Because saying it out loud is too heavy for you? Because it makes that more real?” Jungkook says.

They look at right in the eye, and Yoongi wonders how far Jungkook will go. He wonders if he really realizes what kind of person he is.

“I don’t want you to be a part of this.” Yoongi shakes his head. “You are a good person, you can’t know about this dark world. I don’t want you to.”

Jungkook takes his hands.

Too personal.

Too fragile, shaking.

Yoongi smells like cigarette today. Yesterday, it was coconut.

The other day, he smelt like drugs.

“You are my best friend. I want to know everything.”

Yoongi seems weak suddenly, almost like a child, the child he has never been. They took his childhood away, hurt and condemned in a cold world.

“You will get hurt.”

Jungkook shrugs.

“I will heal.”

Jungkook is like dopamine to him.

And he will die if Jungkook disappears.)

“The bridge? Where people died? Really?”

“Do you have a better location?”

Yoongi would die for Jungkook, when he looks at his lips. Yoongi feels chained, like an animal, almost losing control. He’s going crazy, at this moment, Jungkook is so close. They whisper when there’s no need to.

They like the idea of having each other on the body, ink, a memory. Because they won’t last forever. So, Yoongi asked for that idea, deeper, when he was drunk for the first time of his life in front of Jungkook.

“We used to hang out at Itaewon.”

“Before you punched these guys and you’ve been banned from this area?” Jungkook smirks.

“They were laughing at that girl, it’s not my fault if men are stupid.”

“Ah, yeah. Your ex, I forgot.”

“She isn’t.”

The wind looks more terrifying inside the car, as if it was about to break the car, as if they were about to fly away. Jungkook likes this horror side of life, but right now, it’s like something bad was about to happen.

Next to Yoongi, he feels safe anyway.

For the moment.

Yoongi pushes his black hair back and Jungkook remember when he dyed them grey. It was a long time ago but Jungkook can remember. There are still these jewels, precious and shiny. The tattoos on the throat make him more dangerous, a bad person.

This is funny, how they grew up together but don’t know each other perfectly. In fact, Yoongi knows more about Jungkook than Jungkook about Yoongi. They are in different worlds but on the same planet.

“Is it true that people got tortured and killed on this bridge?” Jungkook asks suddenly.

“Here we go again.” Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“What? You never told me. You never answer my questions. Can you this time?”

“I don’t know if you…”

He stops when a light suddenly appears in the darkness. They turn to look behind, at the same time, connected and perfect. They squint their eyes, the light burns and dazzles.

A car like Yoongi’s makes an apparition and parks behind the black and luxurious Mercedes. There’s a lot of space on the parking and underneath the bridge, why would the guy park here? Yoongi frowns when the person turns off the light and waits, like that.

Yoongi swears he can hear Jungkook’s heartbeat racing. The silence takes place and becomes loud, it takes all the space, heavy, raw.

Yoongi isn’t crazy and paranoiac. However, he doesn’t think someone normal would park behind another car when there’s space around. He lifts the armrest between them and takes out a knife. Jungkook’s eyes widen.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jungkook croaks and his heart falls.

Yoongi forgot Jungkook. A second.

He remembers.

Damn, he can’t do anything with him around even if he is twenty-four and an adult.

“I’m taking you back home.”

“What? Why? Can you explain what the fuck is going on?”

“Put your belt on.”

“What? If you don’t tell me what’s going on, I swear to go I get out of the car.”

Yoongi grabs his knee instead, begging to not, instantly, Jungkook understands something is off. He glares at the black car parked behind them, getting back to Yoongi. Fear starts to show up in Jungkook’s eyes.

“Put your belt on, Jungkook.”

Jungkook does and Yoongi starts the car. There’s a moment Jungkook is scared to the bones, not only because of the situation, but because of Yoongi who doesn’t say any word to him, calm, and a straight and scary face.

Yoongi doesn’t stop looking at the rear-view mirror, eyes on the black car behind them. The car is not automatic and Jungkook does not understand why his friend did not choose this option, maybe because he loves cars, thrills and spills too much.

Then, there’s a thing.

The car.

The other one.

Jungkook notices that the car is following them.

“Yoongi, the car…”

“It's a coincidence.” Yoongi’s voice is confident. “So, when are you going to open your own tattoo parlour?”

He tries to change the conversation, staying calm as if he wasn’t anxious. Perhaps he’s not. The car, another Mercedes, the guy drives at the same speed, almost sticking them. There’s no one else on the road, all alone while usual, some people drive around.

Jungkook trusts Yoongi, so he breathes out and stays calm, speaking about his job and a possibility to open a tattoo parlor, a dream that his parents don’t really share. Yoongi knows his friend is a good tattoo artist, kind and nice towards his clients. He knows that Jungkook experienced weird things because of people; weird tattoos, weird behaviors. Jungkook would say funny experiences but Yoongi is worried about these people sometimes.

Yoongi glares at the rear-view mirror and, the guy driving the car behind them is still there. If he’s anxious, frustrated and doubtful, Jungkook do not see these emotions on the face of his friend. The youngest looks in the exterior rear-view mirror, leans a little to see better and the headlights are still there.

“Maybe one of my friends is going to work with me.” Jungkook continues and stammers.

“Who?” Yoongi asks.

“Taehyung.”

Yoongi sneers.

At least, it distracts them. Talking about Taehyung.

“Taehyung as the guy covered with tattoo from neck to toe? The one with the bike?”

“I have a bike too.” Jungkook says.

“Ah. Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung.”

Jungkook turns his head towards him and crosses his arms. Taehyung is sensible topic, they don’t really talk about him often because, Yoongi’s reaction is always special. It's not that he doesn't like Taehyung, he despises him, something like that.

“Yah, don’t talk about him like that.”

“Do I have to remember you that he tried to report me to the cops?”

“You tried to be beat him up.”

“He said I was a pedophile.” Yoongi sneers but it’s cold.

“He didn’t mean it, he just knew it was a sensible topic because of what happened when we were younger.”

“And you think it’s normal when he accuses me about something I’m not?”

“Don’t get angry, he’s my friend and he’s nice.”

Yoongi shakes his head because he disagrees with his friend. Taehyung always tried to get in the way of their friendship to protect Jungkook. Yoongi and Taehyung don’t like each other.

The oldest turns on the right, staring at the rear-view mirror, holding firmly to the steering wheel. The rain hits the windshield with fury and the windshield wipers shake with rage as well.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

Four seconds.

Five seconds.

“Yoongi, the car keeps following us.” Jungkook says out loud.

“I know, goddamn it.”

He shouldn’t drive like this, it’s raining and it can be dangerous. But it doesn’t stop Yoongi, he keeps driving as if there was nothing behind or hitting the car. He thinks a lot, Jungkook notices how the tension appeared and eaten up the silence and the mood.

“What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on, Yoongi? Do you… do you know that fucking guy? What’s happening?” He asks.

The guy in the car makes headlight calls, not only once or twice, probably about fifteen times. Jungkook doesn’t understand and shakes his head. A cold sweat runs down his spine and it’s horrible how cold it is suddenly.

At this moment, when the road gets straight, Yoongi accelerates, clenching his teeth.

There’s no way Jungkook will forget this one day, the cold look, the black tattoos making his skin paler and so thin. For the first time in his life, he discovers another Yoongi, the one he should never have seen.

“Why the fuck is he following us?” Jungkook keeps questioning.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know him?”

“I don’t know.”

“If he follows you, it’s because you know him for sure!”

“No. I don’t fucking now, Jungkook.”

This night of terror may be a joke, Jungkook thinks. A huge joke organized by Yoongi and his friends. Maybe this is an error, maybe Yoongi just wants to scare Jungkook. Halloween is near, in one week. Maybe it’s just a prelude.

This is unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

The guy makes headlight calls once again and Jungkook’s heart falls deep down his stomach. The guy drives weirdly and starts to get on the middle of the road. Right away, Yoongi reacts and accelerates and drives himself in the middle of the road as well as this guy.

“What the fuck are you doing? Go back on the right!” Jungkook gasps.

“No.”

Yoongi thinks the guy wants to overtake them in order to provoke an accident. The headlights hurt Jungkook’s eyes and he blinks, chasing something invisible. His heart pounds so fats that he can feel and hear it in his ears.

“Maybe it’s the police.”

“Don’t be dumb, if it was the police, the car wouldn’t be black.”

“Or maybe something is off with the back of your car and they want to tell us.”

“I checked my car yesterday, everything was fine.”

“Then why the fuck there’s someone following us?”

Jungkook’s voice resonates in the car. Yoongi only notices right now how Jungkook is panicking and that’s totally okay, who wouldn’t panic? The weather doesn’t get along or does, with the mood. Jungkook hates that, hates everything about this situation. He never thought he would live this. Yoongi’s life is a mess and fucked up and he tried, he made his bets to keep Jungkook away from his stuff and job.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know or you just want me to shut the fuck up and not know?” Jungkook hisses, getting angry.

“That’s not the moment.” Yoongi mumbles.

“This is never the moment with you, it’s always like this. You never speak, it’s only me.”

“Calm down, boy. This is really not the moment to talk about this.”

“How the fuck can you stay that calm?”

“Do you think I’m calm Jungkook?” Yoongi raises his voice as Jungkook does.

But it’s hoarse and dry.

Jungkook is about to reply because he’s panicking and the situation is tense. However, there’s something catching his eyes in front of them.

“Yoongi! Watch out, the car!” His friend screams out.

He steers to the right, but his movements are just right and perfect, as if he does this often. He's in control, despite the rain, the wind, the guy behind them. Jungkook thinks his heart will break into pieces soon.

Prolly right now.

“What do you want me to say, hm? I always made sure you were safe enough to hang out with me, I've underwent the insults and accusations of your fucking classmates for years without a word. I really tried to be nice with Taehyung, I made some efforts. What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, things about your life, things I don’t know.”

“If I don’t speak about my life, it’s because I don’t want to put you in this kind of situation.” He yells at him.

It’s funny.

For a second.

How Yoongi is a part of Jungkook’s memory.

How he has always been there. Light, not really smiling, but there. Smooth, not bright, more like a ghost. Pale, tired, these dark circles underneath the eyes.

It’s funny how they spent sunsets and sunrises together.

And how the light of the sun never reaches Yoongi.

It’s funny, how Jungkook doesn’t know about his life.

Yoongi is right and Jungkook knows it.

Jungkook wants to know more about Yoongi, more than the fact his parents weren’t really the good ones. Yoongi’s parents left him alone in the apartment when he was young. His father was someone strict and scary.

He taught Yoongi how to be a criminal.

It breaks Jungkook’s heart every time.

“Hold on, hold on.”

Yoongi turns on the left.

“Why are you going there? My home isn’t that way.”

“Do you really think I’m going to take you back home with someone following us?” Yoongi hisses and turns and turns and turns.

Yoongi spins the wheel so hard that Jungkook sees death. The turn is not obvious to take, too tight, Jungkook holds on to the seat and swears that they are going to fall on the side. Yoongi is a good driver, he knows what he is doing, however it would not prevent an accident.

“Slow the fuck down!”

“You want me to slow down? If I slow down he’s going to make us spit. What do you think he tried to do earlier? Do you want to die? A moment or another he will hit the back of my car to push us and you won’t tell me to slow down. Don’t tell me to slow down when the only thing we can do to shake him off is speeding up!” Yoongi delivers his speech.

And Jungkook is really scared to answer because Yoongi’s right. He presses the accelerator pedal and shifts into last gear, both hands on the wheel. Jungkook sees how fast Yoongi drive, on the road seems to be so lonely and small at the same time, how he can see everything quickly. In the dark and with the light of the car, he barely sees all the trees around them. The rain hits the rain with rage.

Yoongi is a master and seems to know the road better than anyone else, knowing where to brake and slow down and accelerate.

Jungkook’s heart never pounded as fast as right now. He wants to throw up and go back home, he wants to cry, burst in tears and close his eyes. The guy keeps doing headlights at the point Jungkook wonders if the guy is really a person with bad intentions, evil-minded.

The idea of someone chasing them for fun or to kill them comes to his mind and he moans on his seat, wanting to go home as hell.

By chance, they have to cross a small city next to Seoul and they meet cars. If something happens right here, there will be witnesses.

Yoongi and Jungkook can see a traffic lights in the distance.

And, Jungkook’s brain stop working when Yoongi doesn’t have the intention of slowing down.

He sees the colors?

Green as the forest he used to go when he was younger where his grand-mother lives.

Amber, the orange color of sunset at the beach in Jeju Island.

Red, as the color of some eyes he dreamt about in his last nightmare.

That red color seems to follow him everywhere, these eyes, stalking him.

The stop-and-go lights turns orange.

Jungkook understands that Yoongi doesn’t intend to stop.

“Yoongi.” Jungkook tries but his voice is so low.

The man is still following them.

Not for so long.

“Yoongi!” Jungkook says and this is clear in his voice, he’s terrified.

Yoongi doesn’t listen, almost smirking at the idea of shaking off the other Mercedes following them for minutes and minutes and minutes now.

“Yoongi the cars! Stop the car! Yoongi” Jungkook yells.

The traffic-lights turns red and then, Jungkook sees all red, a real carnage when cars start and make sound calls.

Yoongi’s smirk falls when he discovers that the man, crazy or not, followed them and was almost hit by another car. Jungkook wants to cry by the shock and a cold and black fear.

“You fucking bastard.” Yoongi swears and accelerates.

“You’re going to kill us.” Jungkook whispers.

“No.”

Yoongi glares at his friend next to him, notices how pale he is.

“There’s a bottle of water in the glove compartments. Take it.”

The silence is horrific.

Scary.

Terrified, Jungkook nods and open the glove box, taking the bottle of water when he feels a hand on his knee. But even if the hand is cold and the fingers are long, bony and thin, it feels warm, comforting.

“Don’t worry.” He just says.

The high-speed pursuit when a branch hits the car of the pursuer. He stops for some seconds, Yoongi has a chance to run away.

They leave the light and go deep in the night, where there’s no light and no chance to be found, the driver decides to park on the side of the road in the grass, and behind some bushes, he turns off the engine and cuts the lights. Jungkook and Yoongi are now in the dark. He sets the timer on his phone to five minutes.

Five minutes.

Only five minutes.

“What the fuck is going on, Yoongi?” Jungkook asks and forget to count how many times he asked him.

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you park? You should have continued!”

“The road is a straight line, he would have caught up with us. We’re going to wait there and…”

Four minutes and ten seconds left.

A second of silence.

Yoongi turns to look behind him, to only see darkness.

“What?” Jungkook follows his gaze.

“He would have already passed. No one came.”

“Maybe he lost our track.” Jungkook says.

“I don’t know.”

Jungkook takes his face between his hands and starts to laugh, nervous and anxious. Yoongi startles, a little afraid by Jungkook’s reaction, wondering what’s happening to him. A discharge of adrenaline runs down his body.

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I don’t understand anything but I swear to god, Yoongi, if this is a joke, I will kill you.”

He looks up, a dark look towards Yoongi and his ironic smile disappears. He’s angry at Yoongi, both of them know Yoongi didn’t want this situation to happen. He would never hurt Jungkook. Never.

(“I think it’s bad.”

“No joke.” Yoongi mumbles and grimaces.

“Let me check.” Jungkook says and takes the lapel of the sweatshirt.

Yoongi grabs the wrist of his friend.

They exchange a gaze. Yoongi begs with his eyes, he begs him to not lift up the sweatshirt. He begs, claims, pleads.

Jungkook doesn’t care.

When Yoongi fell on the side, he complained a pain and Jungkook, naturally, wanted to check. That’s was a bad idea, when the youngest discovers dark and violet bruises on Yoongi’s pale skin. Horrified, he steps back with huge doe eyes. Tears come out automatically.

Yoongi lies down on his back.

“Hyung.”

Was never called like that before.

Weird.

Strange.

Carrying.

But so strange.

Smooth.

“You weren’t supposed to see this.”

“Who hurt you?”

Eighteen. Jungkook is eighteen, he can understand, he won’t have trouble putting up with Yoongi’s story. He can tell him, right?

A part of the truth.

Just a little part.

He would die if Jungkook gives up on him. He would die without his best friend, his only friend, the only normal person in his crazy and mad life.

He would die.

He would fucking die.

“I don’t know their names. I just had a fight with these guys.”

He would really die.

Just a part of the truth.

A tiny, infinitesimal part of the truth.

He can lie to him.

But he would die without him.

Seeing red lights when he wakes from a nightmare, where always, Jungkook die. Always. Easy, the security of his friend is primordial.

But closer, wants him to come over to cure all the nightmares, all the bad decisions he took. To cure all the blood, he has on the hands.

Would he give up on Yoongi?

“What happened to them?”

Yoongi sniggers.

All the nightmares, all the blood, all the moments he closed his eyes.

Funny, all the puddles of blood.

Funny, all these sounds and the lies and the cries.

He cannot breathe sometimes.

Just a part of the truth, not entirely. However, Jungkook is near, he really wants to know. Yoongi’s about to tell him, losing control, sitting. Not a word.

Not only a word will come out of his mouth.

Stupidity isn’t a part of Jungkook.

He pretends he is, that’s why he asks again.

“What happened to them?

Wondering if he has nightmares about Yoongi.

Wonders if he has ever dreamt about Yoongi covered with blood and a cold face, when he’s used to be like that all the time.

Easy, to wonder.

But shut, Yoongi must keep the secret.

Jungkook lies a hand on Yoongi’s neck, forehead against the chest. Jungkook’s hair tickles his chin. His fingers are warm like summer. It makes him think about sunset in summer, calm and smoothing.

“Don’t hurt me, please.” He whispers.

Never.

He won’t.)

“You will kill me? You will kill me? Can’t believe you’re saying this when I’m just trying to keep you safe for years and years now!”

“You’re the one who hurt me the most!” Jungkook yells back.

Yoongi sneers, he sneers loud and ironic, doesn’t like the situation and mostly what Jungkook said. Never in his life he would have think that Jungkook was able to say something mean towards and against him.

They don’t like the face of each other right now, how the pain grows, how Jungkook feels suddenly guilty about his words, how Yoongi feels disgusted and frustrated, disappointed.

“You are the one who always ask me what I do in my life, you want to know, the lightest as the darkest, mostly the darkest because you ant to know when I say no. And now you’re on the point to experience what it is to be me, you’re acting with selfishness.”

He forgot, behind a pale sky, there’s always darkness.

The sunset, hidden.

Paradise, inexistent.

All these memories, moments, like lies.

Two minutes left.

“Fuck Jungkook, you can’t ask me about my life and yell at me the next second when something bad happens. Do you know how hard it was all these years to be friends with you while someone could have just… hurt you?”

Fists tied, legs knotted together, back arched, Yoongi feels trapped in this situation, he should have never kept talking to Jungkook years ago, or he shouldn’t have met Jungkook. It wouldn’t have happened.

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t!” Yoongi keeps talking but it’s more yelling. “You can’t have everything, you can’t… the danger is always there and you need to accept I don’t want you to know about my life.”

“Then…” Jungkook starts.

He seems to cry.

“What is the point to have each other?”

Zero second.

Yoongi turns off the phone while Jungkook pinches his lips. Why Yoongi doesn’t say any word? Why does he look away? Why can’t he answer back? Why?

Why?

Why?

Just why?

“If I don’t know anything about your life, then it means we are not friends. You are just a stranger to me.”

Yoongi tsks.

“A stranger.”

He repeats and it seems empty. The youngest feels cold. Yoongi seems to overthink about Jungkook’s words. Perhaps he’s right and that he should tell Jungkook everything. His life, his past, his broken and dark memories, his emotions that devour him day after day.

Yoongi’s mind darkens, however Jungkook would run away from him.

His life.

Jungkook won’t stand it.

He won’t.

“If I tell you everything. If I speak, if I say anything.”

Zero second.

Zero second.

They need to leave right now, Yoongi thinks this is weird, there’s something off, so wrong. He feels bad and guilty. Guilty because his best friend is in the car. Someone’s threatening his best friend.

It can’t happen.

Zero second.

Zero second.

He wants to make a promise with Jungkook, he wants to beg him to stay with him.

He can’t do that.

They can’t make a promise.

“You may run away. You will never speak to me ever again.”

“Impossible. No, I won’t do that.” Jungkook shakes his head. “I swear, I will never…”

“You will.” Yoongi interrupts him. “And I don’t want to lose you.”

“Then what are we going to do, hm? What do you want at the end, Yoongi?” Jungkook raises his head.

“I… I don’t know.”

He looks behind. It’s so dark and so abnormal. Yoongi feels off. Everything is dizzy and stressful. Jungkook waits for an answer but notices how Yoongi is stressed out, freaking out, more and more, second after second.

It takes a moment. It takes a long moment, hesitating to start the car. There’s something off, and, he never felt like this before. Even when he was younger and weaker and with his father, scared of him, terrified, wanting to be praised and to please.

“We…”

His throat is dry.

“What?” Jungkook tries.

“I will tell you everything.” Yoongi decides.

“Really?”

The youngest is hallucinating.

“You will tell me everything? Everything like… everything?”

“Yes. I will. We need to go.”

As the night seems long, when the horror is behind. How far they will go in their race, in the middle of the night.

As soon as he turned on the car, lights shine inside the vehicle.

It sounds like a promise in Yoongi’s mouth.

However, with horror, when Min Yoongi starts the car, there’s a light behind them, appearing suddenly in the darkness. As soon as they see the light, the interior of the car is filled with fear. Jungkook stares at the rearview mirror, then Yoongi.

The man in the car makes headlights.

He followed them, showed up from the darkness by magic.

They look like statues, frozen, deathly pale.

“How… where does he come from? How did he do that?” Jungkook shouts out.

“There’s a small path crossing the forest near the road. I guess he took it.”

“How the fuck do you know there’s a road right there? I’ve never seen it.

Yoongi doesn’t answer with his mouth. He doesn’t speak and doesn’t give words. By his look, Jungkook understands the reason, understands everything and how it darkens every time he asks a question.

“Are you sure this is not someone you know?”

“I can’t tell if I don’t see his face. I would said yes, I never saw the car before.”

“What if he called someone and they are several to follow us?”

Yoongi gives him that look.

To stop asking questions.

Because it’s too much.

And because Yoongi needs to focus on one thing, not many.

Needs to think about how to get away from this mess.

How to run away.

He rests his hand on Jungkook’s thigh, just for a second, a single touch. Soft, kind. He cares. A lot. He cares so much about Jungkook that it hurts him so bad.

He worries when Jungkook feels bad, he wonders what could happen if he was normal, like Jungkook. What a normal would look like? Yoongi has never experienced this.

The silence is terrifying.

Until it breaks.

Into pieces.

Until, Yoongi decides, to run away.

“Hold on to your seat, Jungkook.”

If only Yoongi could see Jungkook’s eyes. If only he could see the fear inside. Jungkook is shaking like a leaf, the rain never stopped. The whole life is against them right now. Is it an ordeal? What hides the forest? How many of them are here?

If only Yoongi could see straight through his mind.

“What are you going to do?” Jungkook asks, weak.

Doesn’t know for the moment.

Seems unbelievable.

Jungkook was supposed to spend the night with his friend, come back home in the middle of the night, supposed to have a cup of ramen. Jungkook loves spicy ramen, with two eggs. He likes ramen, eating in front of an anime. He could eat six cups of ramen in a row.

He was supposed to have another memory with his friend, not the most exciting one, just a memory with Yoongi. It’s always nice with Yoongi, because he can speak, speak and speak and he wouldn’t say a word, always listening to him. Yoongi’s always listening.

He was supposed to have a calm night with his friend.

“What are you going to do?” Jungkook asks again.

A complain, begging.

“Hold on to your seat.” Yoongi repeats.

White voice, cold.

Jungkook is terrified.

At this moment, they don’t exchange a word. Yoongi got a straight and frozen face, focused on his thoughts and the man following them for a unknown reason. Yoongi skids out of the low side with rage. Jungkook is shaken from right to left, left to right or anyway, shaken and almost hits the window.

He accelerates and as soon as he does, the man apes Yoongi. The silence is heavier than the rain. It hits Jungkook’s face, how Yoongi turned calm and focused on the road. They meet people in the opposite direction, one of these people beeps them, seeing how dangerous they’re driving.

Jeon Jungkook, for the second time of his life, sees his life flashing by.

When the car seems to sleep.

When they could have almost hit an animal. Jungkook screams. Yoongi will never forget these screams, however, he pretends he doesn’t care.

It doesn’t mean anything right now.

Jungkook’s heart pounds quickly. So fast. Like the Mercedes runs the road.

“Did it ever happen? This scenario?”

Jungkook wants to speak, he can’t stay like this until they get away.

It takes a moment to get an answer.

It always happens.

He waits for an answer.

With a look.

With a moment.

With the rain.

With a dazzling light.

Without a reason.

Without the fear that Jungkook will react badly.

“Me and two of my guys chased someone two years ago during a night like this one.”

Jungkook’s heart breaks.

It drops.

Like someone holding a vase and it crushes.

It crushes.

It crushes.

Falling down, down, down.

Jungkook feels like a vase, fragile quite attractive. These words are the worst and he thinks, Yoongi hides so much, so many things. What is the worst thing he did in his life? What kind of monster is he?

“We filmed him. If only people could have seen him run, this fucking pig. He was begging, I can still hear him, my window was open and he was trying, looking for a gaze, some help.” Yoongi sneers and holds onto the wheel. “I know, when they found the body the following day, they said it was an accident.”

His voice is hoarse.

“I remember the news, saying how the police discovered a corpse in the forest. All the theories, all the fear… it made me laugh. But it was just an accident.”

“How can you laugh? How could you?” Jungkook mutters.

“Ah, Jungkook. Don’t be surprised. You wanted to know, you want to know everything.”

“You’re a monster.”

“No. No, we all are monsters. Humans are monsters. We are the most dangerous creatures on this planet. We kill, we damage and we don’t care. All of us. Including you.”

“I never hurt anyone, I never kill anyone.” Jungkook raises his voice and Yoongi turns on the right.

Behind, there’s still the man.

“You bullied someone in high school. Does it make you a good person?”

“It was a terrible mistake, I just insulter her three times. Only three. And I apologized.” He defends himself.

“It still makes you a monster. Different of me, but still a monster.”

“I… you… don’t you have remorse?”

Horrified, he waits for an answer.

He waits.

Still waiting.

But Yoongi is looking away, driving to save themselves.

Save Jungkook.

However, running away from Jungkook’s gaze. The nights are the worst, all the nightmares come back quickly, all the nightmares are alive and dark, covered with blood. They all are predators as Yoongi is.

“Don’t you?” Jungkook insists.

He frowns.

“My only remorse is to have met you, because you are constantly in danger because of me. I will never forgive myself for everything, every time I got late, every time I was weird, every time I was trying to hide how angry I was.”

Sincerity.

Heart falling down.

Jungkook feeling dizzy and a bit weird, almost on a cloud suddenly.

“The rest, what I’ve done up until now, I don’t care. I feel nothing.”

“You can’t say that. You can’t feel nothing, you were horrible, fucking shit, you hurt people, Yoongi.”

“You’re out of your mind.”

“Probably.”

Yoongi considers he can’t use his childhood to excuse everything he did, he can’t use how his father was mean and horrible with him. Because one day, he had the choice to choose his future. Everybody has the choice, Yoongi had his. But when you were born in the wrong family, the choice is quite easy.

No, maybe at the end, we don’t all have the choice.

Yoongi didn’t have the choice.

He didn’t.

He really didn’t.

The silence is heavy.

“I protected you.”

Jungkook snaps his head on the left.

“What?”

“One day tow guys saw me with you and after you left, they came to see me. They bragged about you, saying how innocent you looked. They wanted to hurt you because they wanted me to do something bloody for them. These guys used you to get me. You were a target, I hated that. I hated that so much they could use you against me.” Yoongi curses because the man still follows them. “I was angry so, I stabbed one of them in the thigh.”

The rain doesn’t stop, doesn’t want to.

The rain looks like Jungkook’s heart, a crying heart.

“He yelled to death. I couldn’t let them think about you. They wanted to hurt you… I couldn’t bear it. It was unbelievable for me. Two days later, the police convoked me. These two guys denounced me so I told the police I didn’t know them. The guy said I do know them.”

It’s calm, for a weird reason, it seems peaceful.

So horrible.

“The police man asked the second guy if the whole story was true, if I really stabbed his friend, that I knew them. I wasn’t really worried about my fate because I always find a way. So, at this moment, I looked straight in the eye of the second guy.”

Quiet, Jungkook listens carefully.

“And like this, I made him understand that if he says anything, no matter what, he would die. And they all know my looks, my temper, my ability to get angry. The guy was so scared that he stuttered and answered no, he didn’t know me. His friend, the guy I stabbed was so scandalized that he choked and started to get angry. He calmed down after looking at me. They were sure that I would kill them.”

“What happened next?” Jungkook whispers.

Yoongi almost missed Jungkook’s words.

“I’ve never been there, I didn’t know these guys and they got the wrong person. I left.” He shrugs.

“And these two guys?” Jungkook worries.

Should he worry?

He does.

Jungkook waits and when he doesn’t get an answer, his eyes meet Yoongi’s. He was supposed to be with his best friend, it was supposed to be a cool night. All the memories he owns with Yoongi seems to be fake, misleading. He just knew the surface. Behind an iceberg, there is always more.

“What happened to them after that?”

Jungkook holds onto anything, maybe his jeans, maybe the seat, maybe he clenches his fists.

Yoongi tilts the head on the side, dark tattoos engrave on his skin. These dark eyes hide so many secrets.

“They had an accident.”

He says softly, with a small smile.

With horror, Jungkook drops.

In a downward spiral, vicious and hideous. It burns in his throat, it boils in his stomach.

“Do you realize how evil you are? Do you realize what you did?”

“And I will do it again.” Yoongi says firmly. “I don’t care what you think about it, if it allows you to stay safe, then fuck them.”

“I never asked you to be saved or protected.

“Then what? They could have broken into your house to kidnap and kill you. How about that? I wouldn't have stood for anything being done to you. I don't care if I'm cursed, evil, toxic or whatever. You won’t fall with me.”

“You can’t… you can’t.”

Words do not come and are choked by a feeling of incomprehension, of horror and another feeling he can’t describe.

The man never stops driving behind them, carefully following Jungkook and Yoongi, staying quite near the black and luxurious Mercedes. And as time goes by, the more Yoongi loses patience. He bites his nail, looking too much in the rear-view mirror, getting insane. Jungkook has time to think and wander in his mind.

At this point, Jungkook doesn’t know if Jungkook wants to continue to be friends with Yoongi. It hurts him, he can’t imagine a life without Yoongi.

A dilemma.

With Yoongi.

Without Yoongi.

A whole life without him, it doesn’t make sense.

There is a crossing, only one road splitting in two, to the left or to the right. It’s like choosing a bad or a good decision.

Jungkook suddenly clicks his fingers, showing the right road.

“Take this way, there’s a bridge other there and some streets. Maybe we could hide and…”

“No.” Yoongi says, cold.

“What? Why? We can shake him off!” Jungkook cries out.

“I don’t like this bridge. Have some bad memories.” Yoongi mumbles.

“You don’t want to take this road because you have bad memories? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Angry, he hangs onto the wheel and turns in to the right. Him and Yoongi fight against each other, the car skids on the road, left to right or right to left. With the rain, Yoongi thinks for a second they’re going to die, for sure, going straight in the ditch.

“Jungkook, for fuck’s sake, let go!” He yells.

Jungkook wins over his friend, when Yoongi takes the decision to go on the right, avoiding an accident and some trees. At the moment where the car seems stable, Yoongi turns his head on the right and gives Jungkook a death stare.

“Don’t ever do that ever again, you almost killed us! Are you fucking insane? What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? You hypocrite, I’m stuck with you in this fucking car when someone is following us for minutes and minutes because you’re a fucking criminal! That’s my problem, Yoongi. What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I didn’t want to go there, that’s it.”

“We’re not going to drive the hole night, Yoongi.”

“Did you have to take this road? This fucking bridge.” He hisses.

Jungkook sneers because he thinks it’s ridiculous to overthink about the situation and because, he’s overacting because of a bridge. Jungkook runs a hand through his hair, flustered.

“Someone wants to hurt us and you only think about a bridge? Fucking good, Yoongi.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Understand? I would understand if you explained it to me.”

The car is just full of cries and screams and anger, Jungkook and Yoongi stressed out about the situation, this terrible moment where panic rules. Funny, how they didn’t say anything painful against each other yet.

And no matter what, Yoongi never takes off his mask.

This time, however, he lets out a soft painful sound that Jungkook catches.

“My father tried to kill me going over this bridge.” His voice cracks.

The rain hits the windshield.

After, the silence.

With horror, Jungkook blinks. He doesn’t think Yoongi is lying. Even if he’s mysterious, Jungkook saw a lot about him. Some rare emotions he will never forget. This one, however, will be engraved in his memories to the bones, the veins.

They see the bridge, almost dizzy because of the rain and the strange fog. His friend vaguely talked about his father, he taught him everything he knew, himself a criminal. Jungkook saw him once, when he was young. He remembers his black eyes, two empty balls. He bets the father could have killed Jungkook if it was possible.

Just by the face of Yoongi’s father, Jungkook knew he wasn’t like his own father. He had this scar on the face, on the nose, these scary eyes that look like a scarecrow's. He was huge and impressive, Yoongi was scared of him when he was juts a child until he was tall enough, old enough to stop being afraid.

The bridge is ghost-like, bad and nasty memories rushing through Yoongi’s mind.

“But you didn’t know. How could you?” Yoongi tsks. “I never talked about that.”

Jungkook is quiet.

“This fucking bridge.”

Jungkook is quiet.

“I hate it.”

Jungkook is quiet.

“I was sixteen, that day, I was supposed to see you. My father said otherwise and took me for a ride. But when I got into the car, he had a gun on his thighs. Funny, because what you just did, my father did the same.”

He shivers, realizing that this dreadful memory comes back quickly to his mind, everything he tried to forget, everything he buried in his mind comes back to the surface.

“He turned the wheel to the left, to the right to scare me. He was screaming at me for nothing, while I did everything he wanted me to do. He takes the road to the bridge and started to threaten me with the gun. He was serious about killing me, he was deadly serious.”

They almost cross the bridge. They’re nearby.

It feels like a lifetime for Yoongi.

“It was ridiculous because he did evil things to me all my life. He sexually assaulted me, hit me, intimidated me, taught me how to hurt and kill, how to hide, how to lie. Everything about life, he made my life a nightmare, a real hell. But this, after everything, this was the scariest thing ever.”

“He what?” Jungkook exclaims. “What did you just say? He did what? Yoongi, what the fuck? Yoongi, you… I…”

“Forget it, Jungkook. I really don’t care.” He shrugs.

He lies.

He makes nightmares, all the time.

His father, his illegal activities, everything.

He lies but Jungkook doesn’t know, Yoongi knows how to lie, how to control his feelings.

It’s just nightmares, he tries to rationalize.

“Yoongi.” Jungkook is shocked, tears in the eyes.

The bridge.

Right there.

They cross the bridge, still the other Mercedes behind them, the rain, the fog. Fuck, Yoongi remembers. It gets intense suddenly, painful and warm in the vehicle. Yoongi holds on and takes a deep breath, not the kind to break down easily.

He is strong.

He is weak when it’s about Jungkook.

Jungkook.

A deep breath.

“He stopped in the middle of the bridge. And in three seconds, I took my chance I reversed the situation. When I had the weapon between my hands, I felt almost like him, I was overwhelmed by all my emotions. He didn’t say any word, he just looked at me. I decided to be act with stupidity and, got out of the car. I left, he never tried to take me back or to threaten me again.”

The violence of his gaze, Yoongi will never forget. How dark he was, how angry he was. He was stinky, smelling alcohol.

They cross the bridge.

Jungkook is quiet.

They cross the bridge.

Yoongi accelerates.

“Hyung.”

It’s Yoongi.

It’s asshole.

It’s dude.

It’s man.

It’s never hyung, it’s always something else. So, Yoongi is surprised and feels warm for two or three seconds.

“Why did you never tell me about this?”

“For what? You don’t have to carry all my life on your shoulders, it’s not fair. And honestly, it’s alright.”

“How can you be alright?”

“I accepted it.”

Jungkook doesn’t understand how he can be alright and fine with what happened when he was a little bit younger. The youngest feels a deep anger running down his spine, the rage to give some justice, the rage to hurt, the rage to take revenge.

What transcends Jungkook is indefinable.

The bridge is behind them, disappearing.

“And what happened to him?” Jungkook grimaces.

“An accident.”

The youngest doesn’t know how to react, in fact how to react? Should he be satisfied with his Yoongi father’s fate or should he be horrified?

Jungkook learnt more about Yoongi in an hour than in fourteen years old of friendship. Staying next to him, next to a criminal makes him feel bad, because above all, he’s friends with him. They’re best friends, Jungkook cares about him, deeply.

The rain slows down.

(“Yoongi! Your… your face! What happened to your face?”

“My face?”

“You’re bleeding.”

Jungkook, seventeen, worries about his best friend. He pinches his lips, concerned and trying to figure out what happened when he faces Yoongi’s silence. The oldest doesn’t say a word, but he looks pale and exhausted.

“I fell.”

“You fell?” Jungkook raises an eyebrow.

They go in the living room before Jungkook disappears to get some disinfectant, cotton and some bandages. The youngest whistles when he comes back and Yoongi, is staring at his hands, covered with blood, shaking. He zones out when his friend gets close, all smiling.

“Do you think it’s okay if the disinfectant is expired? I don’t have anything else and… Yoongi?”

His friend looks up, livid. Jungkook’s smile falls down, a cold sweat running down his spine. He never saw Yoongi like this before. His hands are red because of the blood and when Jungkook notices there are no wounds, a question resonates. Is it Yoongi’s blood?

“What happened?”

His friend shakes his head, left to right. He refuses.

They stand like this for a whole minute and after this cold silence, overwhelming, Jungkook decides to get closer.

Until.

Just to comfort his friend, he shouldn’t.

He crosses a line, he did cross the line a year ago. But that’s not right.

When Yoongi turned twenty-one, when they spent the night together in a restaurant.

This night, Jungkook stares at Yoongi with shiny eyes.

He gets closer.

Always closer.

His knees brushes Yoongi’s.

“Hyung.” Jungkook whispers.

“Do you care about your sweatshirt?” Yoongi asks suddenly.

“I have the same in grey and dark blue.” Jungkook answers.

The next thing they know is, they hug each other. The oldest hugs Jungkook more than the youngest does, surprised and out of breath.

In his arms, Yoongi’s shaking.

In his arms, Jungkook hugs him back as if it was the last time, his only chance.

Min Yoongi, twenty-one, breaks down and is weak, in Jungkook’s arms.

“I will be there for you.”

Jungkook whispers against Yoongi’s neck.

This is a promise.

But promises are always broken.)

“The day you came to my house with blood on your hands, wounds on the face. Was it the day you end him?”

Jungkook doesn’t want to say the k word.

Kill.

It sounds too deep.

Dark.

And absolutely horrifying.

Violent.

Unfortunately, Yoongi nods.

Jungkook does not advocate the revenge of one crime by another and especially by murder because people don’t have the right to make justice by themselves. However, there’s always this inner-self, saying to take revenge, to make worse to satisfy this inner-self, to be appeased.

“What did you do to him?”

“Jungkook.” Yoongi warns.

“Tell me, at least. Just that.”

“No.”

“I want to know.”

“Jungkook, no. You will… fucking asshole he does it again. Hold on to your seat.”

They both speed up at the point the other Mercedes runs the road next to Yoongi, doesn’t care about the danger and the insecurity, quite the opposite. The man wants to provoke an accident. Yoongi clenches his jaw and ignores Jungkook, his cries, his words, his fear.

The guy in the Mercedes can’t be seen, windows tainted in black.

“You want to play? Let’s play.” Min Yoongi overtakes the other one and accelerates at the point Jungkook closes his eyes.

He’s not a believer, he doesn’t believe in God. But Jungkook do believe in simple things.

He believes in friendship, in good and bad people, as he believes people can be born evil. He believes in the night and the sun, he believes there’s another life in the galaxy, he believes that his parents would probably kill him if they know about Yoongi’s activities. He believes in his friend Taehyung. He believes in money, believes some people lie all the time to have acknowledgement.

He believes in a lot of things.

And right now, Jeon Jungkook believes he’s going to die.

“Jungkook.” Yoongi speaks. “Do you know this road?”

Jungkook’s teeth chatter as if he was cold but only fear remains in his eyes and on the face.

“We gave a little nickname to this road. Do you want to know which one?”

“What… which…”

“Make a sentence, Jungkook.”

Yoongi changes gear, driving faster.

“Which one?”

Barely able to speak, scared by the speed, scared by his friend, scared by everything, just scared.

“The snake road. Because the road goes wavy, like a snake with pits and bumps and if you don’t know this road, well I can only send prayers.”

“No, no, no don’t do that!” Jungkook starts when he speeds up even more, wondering how is it possible to go even faster than right now.

Min Yoongi starts by driving on a perfect straight line before seeing some houses, lights and streetlights on the side of the road. He turns on the left and the man goes back behind them, playing with the accelerator. Yoongi ignores Jungkook’s pale face and the fear burning in his stomach.

The road goes up and contracts, dangerous. There’s no chance the stranger behind them try to overtake the two best friends. On the right side, there’s a wall made of brick and stone, a rather special mixture, between red and grey, covered by moss, measuring several meters high. On the left side, after they climbed the light slope, there is emptiness, trees and especially death, inevitable.

Yoongi masters the race and avoids the danger, the rain, the left side on the road, going up and down. The road waves and Jungkook’s brain joins his stomach, he thinks he’s going to throw up.

“Yoongi, stop the car!” Jungkook screams with horror.

His friend doesn’t listen.

“Slow down! Slow down! You’re going to kill us!”

“Do you know this road is a whole trap? If you don’t know the road correctly, you can die in a second. If you’re going to fast, you’ll end yourself.”

“That’s why you must slow down!” Jungkook keeps screaming.

“If I slow down, we will never lose this guy. Do you want to go home tonight? I think so, in that case, let me fucking drive the way I should.”

“You’re going to kill us!”

The road goes down and Yoongi’s driving really fast, he never drove that fast with Jungkook in the car because he knows the younger doesn’t like speed.

Yoongi knows this road by heart, he knows everything and a lot of things. He is smart, intelligent, brave and really dangerous. He knows.

He knows where are the traps.

Yoongi knows there’s speed bump over there, almost invisible. Yoongi suddenly slowing down before speeding up again, accelerating in the hollow to go up. In the rear-view mirror, he notices the man falls into the trap and takes the speed bump too fast, there’s a terrible sound Yoongi and Jungkook both hear.

“You’re fucking crazy.” Jungkook murmurs.

“And I will do it again.”

The youngest turns to look behind and there’s no light, no car. Just the darkness and some houses on the lest side. There’s a silence in the Mercedes, a heat taking Jungkook by surprised, realizing he’s sweating, his hands are clammy.

“He’s not here.” Jungkook announces.

His friend turns on the left then the right.

Then, they both sigh.

Relief, and then release as if the worst was gone.

Jungkook passes his hands on his face, adrenaline breaking into pieces, as his mind, trying to figure out what happened during the previous forty minutes. He feels Yoongi’s hand on his knee, reassuring Jungkook as best as he can.

Maybe it’s the middle of the night.

Maybe it’s not that late.

It doesn’t matter.

“Are you okay?”

Jungkook looks up.

“Do you think I’m okay? Someone is literally chasing us, I discovered horrible things about you and you dare to ask me if I’m okay?”

Yoongi pulls back his hand.

Guilt, disappointment.

He feels a lot, he feels guilty about Jungkook, he let him enter into his world, his universe, his dark life and now, Yoongi bets he’s losing him.

The oldest is about to say something when there’s a flash in the rear-view mirror, a blinding light. He turns even more livid. Jungkook is suddenly flattened against the passenger seat when Min Yoongi is accelerating again.

It will never end.

At this moment, Jungkook starts to cry.

He doesn’t cry a lot because his life is good.

He has good friends, a good family, money and his dream job. His sexual life is satisfying and he has a healthy lifestyle. He’s not really angry about people, or perhaps he is sometimes, in the bus when people can’t stop looking at him because of his tattoos, when girls try to seduce him, when people judge him even though they don’t know him.

Jeon Jungkook isn’t sad.

He likes his life.

Tonight, he hates everything, scared and horrified by the scenario, his best friend.

The rain stops, it’s warm inside except Jungkook feels cold inside.

“Don’t worry, Jungkook.”

“I just want you to stop the car. Stop it Yoongi, please.”

They cross a small town, there’s no one around at his hour of the night. It’s slippery right there, they must be careful. They get lost in the city, until Yoongi realizes he knows the place. Yoongi brakes with fury and reverses to hide in a small alleyway, in the darkness, where there are no streetlights. He turns off the vehicle.

And they wait.

And they wait.

It feels like an eternity.

Between Jungkook’s cries and fear.

Between Yoongi’s gazes, to the back, to see if the man realizes their disappearance.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

Four.

Five.

Ten.

Twenty.

Yoongi shivers when he sees a black car passing down the street but never stops. It’s quick, quick enough for Yoongi.

He sinks into the seat, relieved.

Deciding to wait ten minutes or even more, the oldest turns towards Jungkook in order to care, this time, deeply about him, to wipe his tears away, to reassure him. The problem is that he doesn’t know what to do.

Barely able to see his face.

Perhaps he can only see tears.

Face hiding between two shaking and thin hands.

“Jungkook.” Yoongi tries, all soft and low.

“How could you?”

He grabs Yoongi’s collar, clenching his teeth. He sniffs and keeps crying, it looks comical and from a movie, however, Yoongi feels all the emotions of his friend.

Subjected to a heavy anxiety, coming from Jungkook’s emotions, his body. The fear in his eyes could glow red if it was possible. Yoongi doesn’t move, frozen, stays still.

“You know better than anyone I hate when people drive fast. You knew it. You know everything.” The voice doesn’t break.

It deepens.

“You know about my accident. You know I could have died.”

Prolly it wasn’t right.

In the past, something happened.

Worst moment of his life, where he saw everything.

Saw his life flash by.

About to die.

Just scared about speed now, Jungkook never recovered of this moment, when he was only fourteen. He was so lucky, him and his father.

“Then what? Do you want to go back on the road with the guy who’s chasing us? Do you want to hit me because I saved your fucking ass? Come on, do it. Do it. Hit me.”

Jungkook pushes him away.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I understand that you have your pain and your darkness, but Jungkook, you can’t be angry at me because I managed, I tried to get us out this mess. It’s not fucking fair. What about you? Do you think I really wanted to go on this bridge? Am I reproaching you? No. I did what I had to do, that’s all.”

“You know what? You’re a fucking shit. I’m off. I’m leaving.”

“Leaving? And where a re you going, hm?”

Jungkook opens the door and Yoongi frowns.

“Close this door.”

“What are you going to do if I do not close this door?”

He stopped crying.

Testing Yoongi’s patience, Jungkook remains quiet for a second, there’s no movement, no expression on the face, nothing. The youngest sneers and shakes his head, about to go out. That’s enough. That’s really enough.

Yoongi grabs Jungkook’s wrist, leans forward, close, really close.

Their face is close, staring at each other.

Jungkook’s heart pounds faster than the two previous seconds, his friend bending over him. He closes the door, at once feeling confused and at the same time, about to lose it. They’re in the dark but the younger blushes.

“Stay in.”

They could almost kiss.

They could almost do it right now.

They could almost change everything.

They could almost start something.

Almost.

He becomes small in his seat, as if the prey was about to eat him alive.

Yoongi looks like a black panther he thinks. The attitude, the eyes, the way he acts. Everything is careful and soft, the eyes are practically the same as a feline. This vibe around him is particular, can’t be found in no one else.

“What?”

A whisper.

Pretty much inaudible.

Yoongi tightens his grip. It doesn’t hurt, more like stinging. He tightens and tightens, stops himself from doing something stupid.

Really stupid.

It becomes hard to hold himself back.

“Yoongi, you’re hurting me.”

The oldest pushes him away, holding his breath for five whole seconds.

Could have done something stupid.

He wishes he could do it.

Or could come back in time, to the previous minute, to be that close. He was able to see everything in Jungkook. His soft and strong face, his eyes, the fear in his shiny eyes, a little bit of pain, a little bit of his lack of understanding.

It hurts to have this kind of feeling towards his best friend, trying to forget everything, trying to annihilate what the heart decides to feel. He can’t hope anything from Jungkook, they’re so different, both didn’t grow up in the same universe. Fate is against them.

“You’re fucking creepy, do you know that?”

“I know that.”

Yoongi shrugs.

It deepens, darkens in his mind, going crazy. The rain stopped; the previous hour was the craziest ever.

Deep, deep, deep, he wishes to never have to live this.

Yoongi looks around, only darkness remains. He sighs, again, they can leave now.

He was so close.

Jungkook’s face was just right there.

But Jungkook is a best friend.

And in the midst of this moment, it’s all about remorse. Remorse to hope something, hope to imagine things. He clenches his jaw, abandoning that hope, on the verge to make a mistake.

Maybe, Jungkook is the only one who can seal this hole, this emptiness.

Killing himself day after day.

It happens slowly, like in a movie, there’s no sound. Only the perfect calm and tranquility with their heart pounding really fast. When the movement, slow, controlled, it happens. Like suddenly, a volcano erupts, like a tsunami kills everybody.

It happens.

It never ends, the same circle where fear lies.

Yoongi starts the car.

Jungkook glares behind the seat.

It never ends.

“Yoongi.”

“Damn it.”

The man never left the city, looking around and for them all this time. They only had three minutes of respite, three intense minutes.

Yoongi accelerates in the small and narrow alley, running away someone who wants to hurt them, scare them. For the sake of Jungkook, Yoongi won’t let that happen. He turns on the right, faster than ever, Jungkook losing his mind and his heart by the way, at the same moment. He doesn’t understand how someone want to hurt someone so bad. Maybe Yoongi is lying, maybe he wants to him at a distance.

Jungkook stares at his best friend for five whole seconds, searching for the truth, looking for the deepest secrets.

“They want you dead.”

Jungkook announces.

He gives up.

He gives up on the idea to be scared. He can’t be scared.

He spent a lot of time with him and Yoongi never hurt him, was never inappropriate with him. He was kind, nice and always listening Jungkook if he had problems or not. Yoongi was just a witness of Jungkook’s happiness, when he was only just sad.

Jungkook never saw anything.

He didn’t know.

About everything.

Darkness.

His father, what he did to people.

All the blood.

He was just blind to see how much Yoongi’s life was a never-ending nightmare, stuck between unbreakable walls.

Realizes that he’s just an egoist.

Never asked how he was doing.

“What?”

Yoongi only frowns.

“I don’t know what you’ve done t get there, but the man behind us… there are criminals who want you dead, am I right? And this man was sent to kill you or something. But what he didn’t plan was me. That’s why he tried to make headlights, he wants you to stop and get out of the car to kill you. Only you.”

No answer.

“It’s clear to me. You’re a monster, your cruel nature scares them so they want to end you. You are a problem.”

“I won’t speak, Jungkook.”

How things did end up this way?

Yoongi fights against the road, the weather to stay alive, while Jungkook makes movements next to him, he can’t see, focused. However, the next second, he knows.

There’s more than a knife in the car.

“That’s the plan? To kill me, Jungkook?”

“Maybe.”

The tip of the knife is against the side of his neck but the youngest does not press hard, he is too afraid. It brushes more than it hurts, Jungkook is terrified, he can’t hurt him.

Yoongi bets.

“Tell me the truth, Yoongi.”

“It won’t change anything. I’ve done things that can’t be undone. Truth or not we are still there with that fucking man.”

Jungkook presses the tip of the knife against the skin. Yoongi grimaces this time, he’s not kidding.

“Criminals want you dead because you upset them.”

“Completely.”

It doesn’t calm down Jungkook.

“I’m driving over there, you know? Please, let down the knife and we’ll talk.”

“No, you won’t talk. What did you do?”

“You’d hurt your best friend to get answers? How magistral it is.”

He makes a violent turn to the right, towards Seoul and Jungkook lets down the knife accidently. His best friend goes silent, Jungkook wouldn’t have been able to hurt him anyways.

“I committed the irreparable.”

Yoongi reveals and his heart drops.

“You have no idea.”

“What did you do?”

Of all people, Jungkook must be the last one to know the truth.

Of all people, he can’t tell anything to him.

He would die, would kill, would end and massacre for him.

Because.

He must never know.

Yoongi’s heart is heavy, pounding.

The night seems calm now.

But they both choose another path, different.

Beyond reach.

Yoongi clenches his teeth.

After everything, Jungkook will be the last one to know.

It’s clear to me now, he does anything to protect his best friend.

It changed, three months ago.

Three months.

It’s been three months, when he started to have feelings for him. But Jungkook is out of reach, the purest and the kindest. He will never want him that way. Just a friendship, a lost one. Yoongi doesn’t even know why Jungkook is even with him.

How did he start?

He forgot.

It’s not what Yoongi wanted at first.

It’s been three months he’s in love with Jungkook.

They come back, every time, these feelings, trying to keep them lock.

They always come back, in the eyes of Jungkook.

Black but warm.

Maybe it’s was when Jungkook pushes that guy in the café, when he looked at him weirdly. Maybe it was the day when the sky was crying, Jungkook all soaked and cold. He looked fragile at this moment. It was this moment, maybe when his best friend caught a cold, sick and all.

Had fever that day, he can remember those days, Jungkook was so sick, in his bed, almost sleepy and conscious. Jungkook was zoning out, shaking all the time, talking about that nightmare he did. Something about a car crash.

The accident.

Or was is just the day he was just drunk?

Perhaps another day, where Jungkook fought with that strange guy and got hurt, bleeding. When Taehyung scolded at him, angry for his stupidity. Yoongi was there and argued with Taehyung. Was it because of Taehyung? When Jungkook takes his side.

It was fair.

Three months.

When was it?

That day.

That moment.

That second.

Or perhaps that was the day Jungkook decided to ignore Yoongi.

The day, he almost realized Yoongi wasn’t nice. It was more, it was different. It didn’t look like Jungkook, that day.

Was just sad.

Not free or happy, just sad, chained to a state of mind he never had in the past.

As if he had given up.

His memories, it was heavy and hard and violent.

Yoongi knows why. They have a strong mind, strong nature, strong personality. Taehyung was just begging to stop, this time, Taehyung was just scared for both of them.

Was it that day? No.

No.

No.

No.

This day was painful.

(“Can you just get out of my apartment? I don’t want to see you right now.”

Yoongi’s mom is gone.

Yoongi’s father is gone.

Everybody’s gone.

They all left him alone, not like he cares. His parents were the just shitty.

His never knew his sister, abandoned in an orphanage.

Yoongi’s heart drops. Jungkook isn’t even looking at him. And Taehyung, raises his brows.

“Huh?”

Yoongi isn’t able to speak.

It’s funny.

How his best friend is free from his birth and Yoongi was only a slave to a criminal world. Still a slave. He doubts, suddenly, because he never acted like that way before, even when Taehyung tried to separate them.

However, the other boy in the living room seems surprised.

He doesn’t know.

“Okay.”

Speaks, but it looks like a whisper.

Shivers, but it looks like a susurration.

Drops.

Drops.

Drops.

They never fought before.

At the end, this is just fair. Yoongi lied about a lot of things.

Is a nightmare for Seoul and this life.

Yoongi turns back, facing the front door.

Then stops.

Frowns, and won’t leave until he didn’t get answers.

“If you have something to say, then say it.”

“I don’t trust you anymore.”

Yoongi turns around, eyes wide open. The eyes of the youngest are just two empty balls, staring at him with fierce. Since they are young, that’s the first time he really feels disgusted about his best friend.

It’s simply gone, these soft and innocent moments.

“And what for?”

He dares to sneer.

It changes, the atmosphere, the temperature of the room. Taehyung moves a little bit because he knows they’re going to explode. Jungkook crosses the space between them to show him the screen of his phone.

“That was my fucking door yesterday. Knives sunken in the door of my apartment.”

Drops.

Drops.

Falls.

Breaks into pieces when he stares at the picture, four knives in Jungkook’s door, with a message. It looks like blood and it’s clear that this dark world touched Jungkook yesterday. Taken by surprise.

“Do you still feel safe, Jeon Jungkook?” Jungkook reads. “Tell me, Yoongi.”

There’s a painful rage burning deep inside his eyes.

“Is it what you call ‘protecting me’ or are you just pretending?”

“Jungkook.” Taehyung says.

“Don’t speak, Taehyung.” Jungkook hisses.

He’s really close to hit Yoongi, best friends or not. He just wants to punch him in the face because he was threatened when Yoongi promised it will never happen.

“Do you think I am pretending?”

“It would have never happened if I didn’t know you.” The youngest simply says.

Easy.

His eyes widen.

It was clear, a moment like would happen soon or later. But far in his wildest nightmares. The coldness of Jungkook’s words are more painful that every punch he got.

“Well, sorry for being your friend. Sorry for being here when you need me. Sorry for being here when you complain about the smallest things. Just, sorry.”

“Don’t try to minimize this situation. Some people are threatening me, Yoongi. Because of you!”

“I told you more than once that we should have stopped seeing each other. I told you when we were younger that you couldn’t keep being my friend but you never listened.”

“So, it’s my fault now?”

“I’ve never said that.”

“You are saying right now. Because of what you are, some people want me dead, you fucking bastard! Don’t you understand?”

Yoongi pushes him away with bare hands. Jungkook, surprised, trips over his feet and falls on the floor. There’s a second of silence, louder than a simple noise, louder than silence itself.

From the floor, Jungkook looks up, a dark gaze towards his best friend. Taehyung doesn’t move.

Both have the same look, the same darkness currently. They look like they want to kill each other, as if they were just enemies. The enemy is right there, from Jungkook’s perspective.

He took his hands, more than once.

He put his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder, more than once.

He grabbed Yoongi’s wrist, more than once.

Jungkook stared at Yoongi’s lips, more than once. For too long.

“Say it. Say what I am.”

Yoongi spits out.

“You’re a scumbag, Yoongi.”

Yoongi can remember all those times he called out for his name, when he was looking for him, when he was waving at him, when he was just around with that proud smile to know someone older.

It changed.

In a second, in a night.

“You are a fucking monster.”

He knew that already.

The blood he has shed, the bones he has made shake, the moments he has made pass away, the memories that do not want to fade away when he looks at himself in the mirror.

He knew that already.

Coming from Jungkook, the truth, the livid truth, it hurts.

In his eyes, Jungkook means it.

This is the pure truth, a golden one that he won’t regret.

How did thing change that way?

Jungkook gets up.

“You shouldn’t have happened.”

Jungkook breaks his heart into pieces, crushes it on the ground. He stabs him, in the back, in the stomach, in the face, everywhere. He ends him, right away. Yoongi could cry for these words, it’s so mean, atrocious.

Merciless, the younger wants to hurt him.

They understood each other better than anyone.

Now they don’t know anymore.

“Fuck yourself, Jungkook.”

“You are a true monster and you can’t even accept it. Because of you and everything you’ve done, your fucking little friends discovered where I live. They probably know everything about my life. What about that? You made a promise that nothing would happen to me, you said everything will be alright! You said you weren’t the enemy but…”

Jungkook yells.

“But the enemy is right there and it’s you! You are like them, you are exactly the same!”

“This would have never happened if you hadn't clung to me like a fucking leech! You kept following me everywhere, you begged me to be friends with you and you never listened! I warned you, it’s all your fault!”

“You are the adult one! You should have done more!”

“Then maybe in your next life, don’t try to be friends with the bad guy.”

“I promise I won’t.”

They want to beat each other up, it would be easy without Taehyung to separate them, pushing them away, both. They hiss and speak loudly, insult each other and say what they would have never said usually.

Anger speaks but there’s no wrong or right. They have both arguments and beliefs, regrets.

“You know what? Go back to your peaceful and pathetic life, I don’t need you.”

“Yeah, that’s right. That’s right, I will live my marvelous life without you. I’m better without you, you only bring me problem, it’s the only you’re the best at.”

His words are sharp and hurt Yoongi the most.

“Jungkook, that’s enough.” Taehyung tries.

“I maintain what I said, Yoongi. You shouldn’t have happened. All you ever did was to bring misery.”

Yoongi opens the door.

It hurts.

It hurts, how a friendship ends right here.

When everybody knows Jungkook is right.

Opens the door.

Opens the fucking door.

A void in his heart.

His bleeding heart.

“I hope next time these knives will be in your heart.”

Yoongi wishes he had never said that.

Jungkook’s tears show up but Yoongi can’t see them. Out of breath, Jungkook takes a minute to answer.

This.

This was the most painful words.

The promise to grow up together, the promise to be together. The promise to only have good time, the promise to tell each other everything, the promise to never give up on each other. The promise to have good memories only.

The promise to never hurt each other.

Promises are made to be broken.

They both know why they cross this line.

Inside, they always have hated each other despite their perfect bond. A part of them is against each other, because they can’t be together, because there is bad and there is good.

“I don’t want to see you ever again.”

Jungkook whispers.

“Finally. Because just looking at you was pissing me off like crazy.”

He doesn’t close the door.

Leaving.

With tears rolling down his face.

Leaving.

Tears rolling down the face of Jungkook.

They can’t see each other.)

It’s been three months.

Was it that day?

When he thought he lost Jungkook forever.

Was it that day?

When he cried the whole night.

Was it that day?

When he wanted to die for all these words.

“I committed a massacre, Jungkook.”

“How many?”

(He doesn’t know anymore.

It started to get more violent, in his life, always that same expression, this cold gaze, these icy eyes. Emptiness inside. It pisses him off like crazy, this entire life, a moment without Jungkook. It’s been a month.

It’s been a long month without him.

Now, Yoongi knows why they never fought once against each other despite the years that passed by.

Because it annihilates a part of them, deep inside. This is too real, too painful.

He doesn’t know why.

He enters in the building when a grandma goes out.

Yoongi thought he understood Jungkook better than anyone else, he was in his mind. He didn’t know that Jungkook was considering Yoongi like a monster. He didn’t know.

This part of him hating Yoongi.

In front of Jungkook’s door, he hesitates.

He will never trust him ever again.

Jungkook will never forgive him for his words.

He knocks at the door.

These days have been really long, it felt like an eternity.

Yoongi is soaked from head to toe. He looks like a lost animal, wandering and begging to be adopted. Well, Yoongi never had a family. Jungkook is the only one.

Which reaction will he have?

The door opens and, he doesn’t have the time to think about he’s going to say to his best friend, to the one he hurt the most.

Jungkook has a smile when he opens the door but it falls, drops when the youngest discovers Yoongi with a pure sadness on his face. They can see perfectly through each other, they can feel the pain of each other.

It feels like an eternity, but it was just one month ago.

They wonder, what choice brought them there, what path should they have taken to avoid all this.

Jungkook wondered what reaction would he have if Yoongi comes back to him.

The youngest turns livid, really pale, about to faint. His dead eyes reflect how the past weeks affected him. He suffered too, probably suffered more than Yoongi did.

“What do you want?”

“Can we talk?”

Jungkook doesn’t react, frozen.

If he moves.

If he moves.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do to Yoongi.

“Talk.”

“I’m here to apologize because it’s not fair what happened. It’s my fault and I was mean to you. Everything happened because of me and I didn’t recognize how wrong I was. You got hurt, not physically, but you got hurt. Everything I said… I just acted of my free own will. I regret it, every day. It wasn’t fair when I’m the responsible one, when I put you in this situation.”

Jungkook won’t forgive him. Yoongi sees in his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have reacted like this, I wasn’t thinking straight. And the idea of losing is torturing me for a whole month now. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s all?”

He won’t forgive him.

Jungkook is shaking.

He’s about to close the door but Yoongi grabs his wrist.

“Please, Jungkook. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t want that. It’s not… please, I am so sorry for what happened.”

He won’t forgive him.

Why things did end up this way?

There’s no forgiveness.

Yoongi steps back and knees down, like offering himself to Jungkook.

Then, he bows, forehead pressed against the disgusting and dirty floor.

He bows.

He bows as if he was in front of a God, he bows, asking forgiveness.

He bows because that’s all he can do.

He hopes, it will be enough.

“I am truly sorry, Jungkook.”

Perhaps Yoongi knows.

Knows.

Knows that he shouldn’t have happened. Jungkook was right.

“Please.”

He begs.

“Please.”

And begs.

“I’m sorry. Please.”

And begs.

Jungkook falls on the knees with him and takes him in the arms, face ruined by devastating tears.

Yoongi is sure, he’s hugging his life right now.

“I’m so sorry, Jungkook. I’m so sorry.” He whispers.)

“It didn’t change at all.” Jungkook sneers and shakes his head. “Take me back home.”

He does.

Without a word, Yoongi starts the car.

It didn’t change since their fight, three months ago.

“Don’t you remember what happened last time? Yoongi, we fought. You asked for forgiveness, you begged, you were sorry but you do it again. Being another person.”

He frowns.

“No matter what, you will never change and we’re going to the same point. Do you know what I hate the most in this world, Yoongi?”

Seoul is huge and full of lights. It’s the middle of the night but there are still people driving, maybe lost or something, looking for something.

“Being trapped in a vicious circle.”

“What do you mean?” Yoongi doesn’t understand.

“I’m tired, hyung. I’m so fucking tired.”

They took a different path since their fight. Everything is different, how they act, carefully.

“It will be alright, I promise.”

“How? Tell me how it’s going to be alright when you… when you…”

“When I what?”

Jungkook closes his eyes for a second.

It falls and breaks, all the time.

Their friendship crumbles.

It’s been months and months, they grew up, both in their way.

“You are a criminal.”

“I know.”

“You are the worst.”

“I know.”

He takes it, he takes everything without saying anything. Seoul looks deadly tonight, Yoongi has the feeling he will never see Jungkook ever again after that. The oldest parks in front of Jungkook’s building and his best friend takes a second before speaking. A pause.

A short and long pause at the same time.

He finds courage, he finds his heart, broken, to speak.

“No need to come to my apartment this time.”

They understand.

Even if they don’t want to.

“I just never want to see you again.”

It seems to be a joke, when Jungkook goes out.

It seems to be irreal the way he’s about to cry for breaking up things for the second time. Their fight, three months ago, it was just the beginning of the end.

They tried to fix things but no one can fix what is broken.

He doesn’t know anymore.

“Jungkook!”

The younger stops and turns around, rolling his shiny eyes.

“Jungkook!”

Yoongi grabs his left arm.

“You can’t just do that. We know each other since we are kids. You can’t… Jungkook, it’s impossible.”

Those days disappeared a long time ago, where Jungkook was just innocent and too young to understand the cruelty of life.

“We’ll always find each other back. You know we can’t…”

“Fuck, Yoongi.” He pushes him away, tired.

“Jungkook, don’t do that.

“I love you.”

Yoongi opens his mouth, can’t believe it. Didn’t realize up until now. It was hard to be in love with him these past weeks, these days where he just wanted to be normal and to be with him. He thought, he would never have this life, he doesn’t deserve it.

He doesn’t deserve anything. He killed, massacred and turned people mad and sad. He was never a good person.

Shouldn’t have happened.

Even in his dreams, Jungkook never said ‘I love you’. It was supposed to be a light in the darkness, but this confession makes everything darker.

It starts to rain again, the weather reflects Jungkook’s eyes.

“I love you so much. And not platonically. I love you for six years now. For six years, I wasn’t able to fall in love with someone else. I tried so hard, but damn, I love you so much. I love you at the point I forgave everything, I closed my eyes on what you are. The horrors you have committed…”

Yoongi’s shaking.

“I’ve been threatened and I can’t bear it. One day or another, what happened three months ago will happen again. I don’t want this life.”

“Jungkook… I will protect you, I will do anything…”

“No. No.” Jungkook hisses. “Because it happened tonight, again. Your life is a never-ending race where you risk the life of people you care the most. You kill people and it’s intolerable.”

“You can’t do that, not now.”

“Let’s end here and now.”

“You are not serious.”

“I am.”

Of course, he is. They both know.

“Jungkook, I promise I will change. Everything will be alright, not now, but I promise.”

“Don’t make a promise you can’t hold. It’s always the same dance with you. You promise but nothing changes at the end! I can’t stand the fact that I can lose my life.”

“Jungkook, I didn’t tell you everything. Please, listen to me.”

“I don’t want to listen anymore.”

Yoongi grabs his arm again, harder, determined and his eyes glows his black. He clenches his teeth for another second, doesn’t care about the rain, doesn’t care they can get sick.

Jungkook’s tears.

The pain on his face.

He doesn’t care about people but Jungkook and his feelings.

“Yah, Min Yoongi!”

A second.

The lights in the street are luminous and could be seen at kilometers.

There are no animals in the street, just cars and some people.

It doesn’t smell anything special.

Just the rain.

It’s raining again.

It rains.

It’s against them.

Forcing them into submission, shaking so bad. They find themselves desperate and lonely tonight.

However, what happens.

Shouldn’t have happened.

In another life, it would be different.

Jungkook sees him first.

His brain telling him to fight.

Right there, right now.

Despite his words, despite everything he told, despite what he hates the most, despite the terror and his fear, Jungkook forgets everything. He erases everything for him, all of people, for Yoongi.

“You traitor.”

He killed adults.

He killed those who couldn’t protect themselves.

He killed civilians.

He killed children.

He’s not a good person. Yoongi is a danger to the society, blood on his hands.

Jungkook moves.

He grabs Yoongi by his shoulders and changes position with him with a scream. He screams his name, the last thing, like the last word.

The two gunshots suddenly resound, as if between walls in an empty room. Followed by cries and screams, an inevitable fear.

It shouldn’t have happened.

This moment.

The sky cries.

And Jungkook’s back printed in red.

Red, color of danger and rage, determination. He never wanted that, never wanted to die because of something. For someone, it’s different.

For someone.

He suffocates, eyes wide open, screams.

Falls.

Into Yoongi’s arms but he doesn’t react. Jungkook, falls, at his feet, on the stomach.

Falls.

And doesn’t move.

Bleeding on the ground, between life and death. Closer. He stammers and shivers in the coldness of the night, shivers for that painful reality.

They didn’t see him.

They didn’t notice.

The man in the Mercedes.

Found them.

“Jungkook?”

Next, he screams his name, pressing his thin hands against Jungkook.

He bleeds, the rain tries to erase this error.

The man, the other criminal, runs away.

“Jungkook?”

They call the police and emergency. They don’t know if he’s still alive.

It shouldn’t have happened.

Jungkook never wanted that. It shouldn’t have happened, he wanted to stop his relationship with Yoongi, he knew better.

Knew better than anyone he would get hurt.

That’s right.

Beyond these words, his memories.

He knew.

He knew better.

Better.

“Jungkook!”

(“Yoongi!”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say!”

“No.”)

It shines enough.

(“Jungkook, why do you care?”

“Because you are my best friend.”)

It darkens.

(“Yoongi.”

No answer.

“Yoongi.”

No answer.

“Yoongi.

“What, Jungkook?”

“Why are you crying?”

Yoongi didn’t even notice.)

There’s a force in his eyes.

Intensity.

(“Jungkook, stop it.”

“Why?”

“Because this isn’t you.”

“Or is it because it looks like you?”)

How pathetic it feels.

(“Yoongi, why… you have blood on the face.”

He’s shaking.

“Yoongi.”

“Don’t ask.”

He stares at his hands.)

Jungkook.

A whisper.

(“Yoongi, what did you do?”)

Jungkook. Jungkook.

The car accident.

A long time ago, it’s almost the same.

(“Jungkook, why did you do that?”)

Blinks.

Looks for something.

Tries to speak.

Hoarse and weak.

Feels bad.

Painful.

He blinks, blinks, blinks. There’s someone in white next to him, and another one in front of the bed. They speak but Jungkook barely listens to them. His pupils react but Jungkook zones out.

“What… what happened?”

(“What? Are you scared that I become like you? Does it scare you, how person can turn into a bad one?”

“It wasn’t you.”

“Is it you?”

“What?”

“Is it you, that person? Are you hurting people?”

“Yes.”)

When he opens his eyes again, there’s someone he knows next to him. Not his father, not his mother, not someone of his family.

Yoongi seems tired.

The next second, he remembers everything and the pain wakes up at the same time as him. He doesn’t understand why he did save his life, he could have let him die.

“Jungkook, are you okay?”

He nods.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I should have known he would find us.”

“That’s okay. You’re not hurt.”

“I should have been me. Why did you do that? After everything you’ve been through because of me, you should have let me take these bullets.”

“There’s no answer to this. But I never apologized to what happened three months ago.”

That’s not why.

It was his instinct. There’s a moment of silence, the youngest looking at the ceiling, thinking he sacrificed himself for Yoongi whereas he always said he would never die because of him.

It doesn’t make sense.

Jungkook is exhausted.

“The guy. He said you were a traitor.”

To overcome monsters, you have to become one.

That’s what they told to Yoongi.

One year ago.

The truth, this time, he can’t hold it.

That’s enough.

He can’t.

Jungkook almost died.

“I work as an informer, for the police, in return for a lighter sentence nay freedom.”

Freedom has a price to him now.

Playing a game he’s not sure to win, playing a game where he doesn’t like, playing a game that takes everything away from him. Jungkook snaps his head, shocked.

To overcome monsters, we need monsters.

That’s what they said.

It’s not a lie, Yoongi isn’t looking at him.

“It’s been a year now. I wasn’t supposed to tell you because I don’t have the right to. After what happened some days ago, you could have died, just to protect me, I can’t…”

Looks up.

Jungkook’s eyes are empty, no emotions in them. Yoongi wonders what he feels at this moment. If it changed anything.

While Yoongi annihilated his own humanity for the sake of innocent people, even if it means he had to do the hardest things ever.

“You were right. I can’t keep lying to you anymore.”

“How long?”

He asks suddenly.

It’s rising.

“How long would you spend in prison?”

“They talked about seven years or even zero, it depends. But after what I’ve done last time… I don’t think they will let me free in the society.”

“This man who was chasing us… I mean, who was chasing you. He knew, right? They all know, right?”

A gunshot.

It resonates in Yoongi’s mind.

The blood.

He can still see it on his hands.

A mirror.

He can still see what he looked like after his massacres.

What he hates the most, in this life, is probably the game he’s playing. He doesn’t know what to do, what kind of gaze he should give to people. It made him strong and dangerous, and it depersonalized him, year after year.

He doesn't know which side to choose, people will never trust him again and at any moment, it would kill him. This criminal life.

It will never let him go.

“I will do what I have to do. They won’t find out.”

The reality is cruel. It won’t change anything. Jungkook will give up on him anyways. One day or another.

The cycle continues.

Yoongi will leave.

For good.

He gets up.

He will leave, for good.

“Did you mean what you’ve said?” Needs to know. Wants to.

Jungkook thought he would never see him again, feels a little guilty and blushing about this, these fucking words.

“Yeah.”

Yoongi wasn’t wrong.

They will always come back to each other.

Not like they are lost soulmates or something, it’s just the result of life, fate maybe.

Facing Jungkook, the older sees the world.

Sees a universe.

There are no stars and it’s darker than expected.

“Do you feel the same?”

Back then, they still might have been able to fix each other.

What to say?

What to do?

What to look?

It didn’t look like Yoongi these past days, it never looked like him. Whatever he does, he always has a reason. In these black eyes, Jungkook sees he won’t let go. His heart isn’t pure. His heart is sick.

What’s the point?

Jungkook sinks against his bed when he gets no answer.

(“One day, Jungkook, I won’t be there. One day, we will fight and it will be the worst day of our life. One day, perhaps, everything will change because it is how it works. Life is a surprise. I just understood, we can’t make promises. I can’t. One day you will wake up and you’ll realize the nightmare I live in. It will look like another reality, the thing is… that’s my reality. You will wake up from the longest dream ever. You will realize.”

“What are you talking about?”

He bumps his head against Jungkook’s. It looks like a promise.

Mouth wide open.

“This life will change but no matter what. I will feel what you feel.”

From the longest dream ever to reality.)

Yoongi gets close.

Seems careful.

Seems slow.

To not scare his best friend or whatever the person Jungkook is for him.

That was right, walking like a feline.

Bumps his head against Jungkook’s.

(“Jungkook.”

No answer.

“Jungkook! Jungkook!”

“Yoongi calm down, it’s just a nightmare.”

He wakes him up.

To reality.

Yoongi is lost.

Void in the eyes. Empty.

“It was a nightmare.”

Still trapped in this reality.

When he’s bad.

And his best friend is a good person.)

It is not a promise.

But an absolute certainty.

(I will feel what you feel.)

They kiss each other for the first time.

Stupid, how it feels weird.

Weird, how it changes a whole person.

It does not last long, pulling himself back from the kiss and leaving without a word. The kiss.

This kiss.

It feels like the last one.

People who are unable to abandon won’t change anything.

If Yoongi walks out, the feeling of never seeing him again resounds.

Just a simple feeling.

That day.

That day, Jungkook finally admits.

Admits.

Admits he can’t stay away from him.

Not when he gives him an appease smile.

After a long day, after a long night, after along moment of solitude.

Jungkook must be damned to love someone like Yoongi.

“Why are you smiling like this?” Jungkook frowns.

It’s the whole world in front of Yoongi.

It’s the whole galaxy shining over here.

“For nothing.”

Jungkook smiles back, weirdly.

Tomorrow won’t be the same.

Tomorrow will be another day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit bloody.

But tomorrow, Jungkook will stay.

As the night seems long to the pain that awakens.

Yoongi leaves the apartment in the middle of the night, looking fondly at Jungkook. The younger doesn’t wake up, turning his back to Yoongi. There are two scars, he saved Yoongi.

What if Yoongi doesn’t come back home?

What if Jungkook will be crying over him tomorrow?

Yoongi closes the door.