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Miles watched Alex from across the room. It was that time of the night again where Alex's consciousness slipped through his fingers and into the drink he was holding. He was dancing sloppily, shirt collar turned up and suit jacket rumpled. Everyone loved him and everyone danced along, smiling and laughing with hearts beating in time to the energy he gave off. Miles smiled weakly to himself. Alex was beautiful at this time of the night, but he was also deadly.
This time of the night was when Miles knew he had to stay away from Alex or else he would be put under his strong spell until morning. Alex would want to crawl into bed with him and hold him close. He would want to cuddle and talk as he fell asleep, but then the next day he would wake up before Miles and slink out of the house shamefully. How many times had it happened now? Miles had lost count. He couldn't tell if it was worth it or not anymore. The first few times, Miles could stomach it, but after a while the coated smell of wine on Alex's breath tasted stale in Miles' mouth and he couldn't keep himself from weeping as Alex fell softly into his arms.
Miles knew he should just leave. He knew he should just go home and keep anything from happening. He knew it, and yet he stayed. He stayed and stared at Alex with his sweaty hair and graceful hips as they dug like daggers into Miles delicate heart. Somehow he liked the pain in his chest from the sight of Alex. The ache in his bones was a reminder that everything was real. Alex was real and he was stubborn and distant but Miles loved the way he felt up against his chest and he was sick just thinking of it.
Miles took a big gulp of his drink, and looked one last time at Alex before disappearing into an empty bedroom in the house to sleep. He knew the reason he wasn't just going home was because he secretly wanted to wake up to the feeling of Alex's body warm and sleepy against his the next morning. Maybe this time things would be different. Miles tried to tune out his obsessions and wishes because he knew deep down Alex would just disappoint him again, like always. It seemed to be no use. Miles laid wide awake, staring at the wall and letting his train of thought run wild through his brain.
He heard the door open. Before that slow, slurred voice could even say one word he knew. Secretly relief washed over him for a few moments. He tried not to wallow in the anguish yet because he knew enough of that would follow the next day.
"Hey, Mi..." Alex whispered, coming up to the edge of the bed and sitting down.
Miles looked up to those soft, romantic eyes and felt his heart drop down to his feet.
Alex reached over and touched Miles' head, running his fingers through his hair and looking at him thoughtfully. "Can I lay down?"
Before Miles could say anything Alex was slumping down and skillfully wrapping himself up in Miles' embrace. Miles' hands found their way around his chest without his brain's permission, and unbuttoned Alex's already floppy shirt. He rubbed his hands against the warmth of his chest and breathed in his smell. As much of Alex as he could get in these weak moments was as much of Alex as he would take. Al was always so out of it that he never said much. Tonight felt different though, and he seemed to relax into Miles' arms more easily than ever. Miles closed his eyes and appreciated all he could get.
"Hey, Miles."
"Mmhm?"
"Will you kiss me?"
Miles could hear the alcohol in Alex's voice but his heart was pounding in anticipation.
"S-sorry?"
Alex now turned to face Miles, his sleepy eyes drooping gently as they seemed to plead. "Ya know, like you did tha' one time?"
Miles could feel his face turn bright red. How did Alex remember that? It had been so long ago, the two of them just young and curious at the time. Of course, it didn't really make a difference to Miles. He had fallen hard for Alex on the first day they'd met, but this moment had been so small even Miles sometimes forgot it.
It had been late one summer evening in Miles' apartment and the boys were drinking and listening to Lou Reed. They were both so tipsy and lonely that it would be laughable now if Miles wasn't still so embarrassingly in love. Alex had leaned his head onto Miles' shoulder and asked him if he had ever kissed another guy. Miles lied in the intensity of the moment and said he hadn't. Alex mumbled that he hadn't either. He didn't move from Miles' shoulder, and they set frozen like that until Miles made the move. He turned his head and just went for it, pressing softly into Alex's pretty lips and pulling away almost as quickly. Alex had blushed like mad; that's one thing Miles always remembered. He remembered that high rosy blush on those gorgeous cheekbones. After they had both pulled away they had laughed and fallen into each other, both silently blaming it on the alcohol and never speaking of it again, until now.
"Please, Miles. Please." Alex was being extremely touchy, running his hands through Miles' hair and linking their legs together under the covers. Miles' heart swelled and he tried to act quickly but this was so different. They never said much during these interactions. Miles just held him and relished in the fact that he was able to. The chance to kiss Alex again for the first time in years was something he only dreamed of.
He was about to nod his head and lean in, but Alex interrupted, pressing their lips together in one fierce movement that left Miles breathless and limp as he kissed back in earnest. He grabbed the back of Alex's head and pushed their bodies together as the heat of the kiss unraveled his brain. Alex only encouraged it, dragging the kiss out as if begging for it to be longer. He sighed as he parted their mouths briefly and Miles felt his heart wilt and wither in his body at the sound of that one quiet noise from Alex. They kissed more, for hours maybe. Miles lost track of how long he had been there and he was glad.
"Al..." he breathed when they finally separated.
"Mmmm," Alex mumbled, settling into Miles chest for the remainder of the night.
Miles stayed up longer than him, replaying every detail of the kiss behind his eyes. He wished he could save every image of Alex during it like a frame from a movie. The color of his cheeks, the feeling of his lips, the roughness of his callused fingers in Miles' hair. Miles closed his eyes. He thought about how the morning would come and bring a harsh reminder. He looked down at Al's sleepy body and played back the image of Alex crushing their lips together in his mind until he was satisfied. Maybe this time things would be different.
----
The morning sun broke through the windows in slits of orange and yellow, bathing Miles eyes in shining light. He awoke almost too quickly as his thoughts immediately jumped to Alex. Alex. He turned to his side, to the reality he knew he was about to face but didn't want to. The bed was bare and hollow. The sheets were wrinkled and stained with Miles' own memory of Alex by his side. He felt silent tears well up in the edges of his eyes, and he begged himself to keep from crying. He tried to breathe and to compose the aching pieces of his heart, but tears only fell faster and fuller. Why did he fall for it again? Why did he let Alex do this every time? Why did it get worse everyday, yet Miles was still unable to let go?
Was it inevitable that they would fall apart in the end? Was the universe sending Miles messages?
If so, the universe, much like Alex, was utter shit at communicating.