Work Text:
THE NEIGHBORS
Season 3 Episode 1
“Un-Canceled”
written by
LogicalStranger
May 3, 2015
We open up immediately to a view from behind window blinds, showing the outside of the Hidden Hills Townhomes. TABITHA GREENWAY, a tall woman, around her early forties with a blonde long bob cut is putting duck tape over the name SETH WEIDNER on a for sale sign. She is wearing a grey skirt suit and has a black Sharpie in her mouth as she smoothes out the tape.
MARTY (O.S.)
Oh, this is bad Debbie, real
bad, what are we gonna do once
more humans start moving in,
huh?
MARTY and DEBBIE WEAVER are inside their own townhome, looking out their window through the blinds at TABITHA.
MARTY
Great, now listen to me, “More
Humans” I mean come on who
says stuff like that? I swear,
Deb, I feel like we’re going
crazy.
DEBBIE
I know, it’s like we’re the
aliens now. Don’t you ever get
that second of sweet ignorant
bliss right when you wake up
in the morning-
2.
MARTY
(Completing her thought)
And for one single moment you
forget all about Zabvronians
and baby back bumps and
eleven-year-old Harvard
scholars?
Both sigh simultaneously.
MARTY
Yeah, yeah I do.
DEBBIE
Well, we better go tell Larry
that there’s a new realtor; he
doesn’t know we’ve been
un-cancelled yet.
MARTY
Too late.
MARTY points outside.
CUT TO: LARRY BIRD marching outside towards TABITHA, baby back bump showing from the back of his golf polo, JACKIE JOYNER-KERSEE trailing behind him with a blanket, trying to cover him.
3.
MARTY
Think he’s gonna make her go
crazy like he did the last
guy?
DEBBIE
Oh god, I don’t know what he’s
gonna do; he’s so
unpredictable when he’s
pregnant. We better stop him
before he does anything, last
time he came at me like that
he called me a fat and
leathery velociraptor and I
couldn’t talk for months.
MARTY
I know, I was the one who had
to keep you from attacking
that poor man at Disneyland in
the dinosaur costume, had too
keep all the Michael Chrichton
books in the attic, for a
whole month.
DEBBIE
I became what I feared to be.
4.
MARTY
Mmhmm
MARTY is rubbing her arm. They pause for a moment.
DEBBIE
We should go stop him.
MARTY
Mmhmm
CUT TO: MARTY and DEBBIE running out to them.
TABITHA looks up from writing her name on the tape with her Sharpie, and smiles at LARRY, holding a hand out.
TABITHA
Tabitha Greenway, Hidden Hills
Realty. I’m sure you must have
seen my colleague before? He’s
been uh, transferred to
another neighborhood.
LARRY looks for a moment at her hand but looks back at her, eyes fuming, nostrils flaring.
TABITHA looks startled but turns to see, MARTY and DEBBIE slightly out of breath, coming towards them, and smiles at them too.
5.
TABITHA
Tabitha Greenway, Hidden Hills
Realty.
MARTY and DEBBIE smile and shake her hand.
DEBBIE
Debbie Weaver, and this is my
husband Marty, nice to meet
you. Please don’t mind our
friend, Larry’s uh, a bit
eccentric, meeting new people
is an odd thing for him-
LARRY
(Snappy)
Debbie, don’t speak for me,
you know I can’t count on your
guttural blather to complement
me in my outstanding people
skills.
LARRY is about to go off the handle at TABITHA when JACKIE shrilly speaks.
6.
JACKIE
I- (Clears throat) I think
it’s best that we let Debbie
Weaver handle this, don’t you
think, Husband?
TABITHA looks from the BIRD-KERSEES to the WEAVERS looking confused and worried.
LARRY clenches his jaw.
LARRY
(Whining)
No! It’s only been a week
since that strange couple
moved in- (Turns to camera)
that’s how long we’re saying
it’s been just go with it
America, and continue stuffing
your faces with cancer- (Turns
back to JACKIE)and I don’t
want any more of them here!
LARRY pouts and crosses his arms.
TABITHA gasps seeing his back bump.
TABITHA
Oh my god! Are you okay, sir?
7.
DEBBIE
It’s a deformity, he doesn’t
like to talk about it.
TABITHA looks wide eyed, but nods, slowly forgetting about it.
TABITHA
Well I’m sorry I can’t stop
selling these homes, it’s my
job, I mean it is now, ever
since Weidner freaked about
the weird cocoons over the
beds in the homes, but luckily
we got em taken care of before
house inspectors deemed it
hazardous living, we just said
the old occupants really
enjoyed nature… really,
really, enjoyed it.
TABITHA looks down, realizes what she says and hastily explains.
TABITHA
Not that this is hazardous,
they were harmless, really!
DEBBIE MARTY JACKIE
Oh yeah, sure. (Shrugs) Of course!
I getcha.
8.
BEAT.
TABITHA
Well, it was nice meeting you
all!
DEBBIE
Oh yeah! Wonderful, meeting
you! Love new faces, love em!
MARTY
(Whispering to DEBBIE)
Too much, too much babe.
DEBBIE
(To TABITHA)
But not too much, not like an
awkward love more like a, “Oh
let’s get coffee and chat”
kind of love, not that I’m
asking you to coffee, unless
you want to-(MARTY nudges her)
Nope, nothing weird about this
love-
MARTY
(Still whispering to DEB)
You’re sinking, Deb, you’re
sinking.
9.
TABITHA nods smiling nervously.
TABITHA
I’ll be seeing you around,
lots of townhomes to show!
TABITHA walks away.
DEBBIE
Oh god, I’m just as bad as
Dick, am I that far gone?
LARRY
The nerve of that woman, my
baby bump is beautiful, I mean
I’m bringing another wonderful
Zabvronian into the world, it
is a thing of beauty-
(Breaking into tears) Oh who
am I kidding, I’m hideous! I’m
a giant whale who deserves no
one’s love!
LARRY runs towards the house, JACKIE running after him, after giving the WEAVERS an exhausted, but warm look.
10.
JACKIE
Husband! Wait, Larry Bird!
Let’s have you lie down on
your belly and watch
something- anything as long as
it’s not Free Willy!
LARRY wails louder at that (O.S.).
JACKIE
(Voice fading into the house.)
Oh! I’m sorry, Husband! Let
Mummy make it all better!
DEBBIE and MARTY look at each other.
MARTY
At least we’re not that far
gone.
DEBBIE laughs.
DEBBIE
Yeah, I give us ‘til season
four.
TITLE SEQUENCE.