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It was about a month after their garden rehearsal. Lana and Jen became closer, they were friends now. They never talked about what happened tho, about the revelation.
The blonde felt free now, like she could be her true self, not having to pretend something and hide. She felt the walls falling down, the walls that she built in the last couple of years. She hasn’t told Lana what really happened back then, why she got those scars and she was grateful the brunette didn’t ask. She caught her a couple times staring at her tattoo, clearly thinking, concern written in her face. But she never said anything, neither of them.
Lana wanted to know, she needed to know but she wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Only thinking about people hurting Jen so much that she felt the need to cut herself was too much for her. She felt angry, she wanted to punch those people in their faces, she wanted to hug Jen and protect her from all the bad things in the world.
They were spending a lot of time together now, practicing their lines together. And sometimes even when they didn’t share any scene, they still helped each other. They both seemed happier, Jen was laughing more than before, she seemed almost reckless.
“Jen? I… want to ask you something…” Lana mumbled that, not really looking at the blonde, suddenly feeling all nervous.
“What?” The blonde fiddled nervously and pulled down her sleeves.
“I’m not asking about the… tattoo, don’t worry. That’s none of my business.” Lana hurried when she saw Jen’s reaction. She didn’t want to scare the blonde off before she even asked.
“Okay.” Jen relaxed visibly, exhaling a deep breath.
“I wanted to… invite you for dinner…” Lana looked up when saying the last word, just to see Jen’s reaction.
The blonde was surprised, not really sure what to answer, how to understand this.
“You mean… like a date?” The corners of her mouth were pulled up in a smile, she wasn’t able to stop it.
“Yes… Only if you want to! I mean, you don’t… I don’t mean…”
“Hey. Stop,” Jen put her hand on Lana’s forearm to get her attention and smiled. “I’d like to go on a date with you.”
“You do? Really?” Lana blinked several times, not believing what she’s just heard.
“Of course I do, silly girl. How about today? Today seems like a nice day, don’t you think?”
“I guess it does,” Lana was still nervous, looking shyly while her face was shining with joy.
“Great! Pick me up at six?” Jen got up, winked at Lana and then left.
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Lana rang the door bell just on time. She was shuffling behind the door, feeling like a teenage girl.
Jen opened in a moment, hiding her own nervousness with a big smile.
“Hey.”
“Hi. You look very nice.” Lana smiled when she recovered from what she saw. Jen was wearing black pants suit and a white shirt, with buttons opened just to tease but not revealing anything. Her hair was plaited in a messy braid on her right side.
“Thank you. You do as well.” The blonde blushed and accepted the brunette’s arm as she walked them to the car.
Lana was wearing just a simple black dress with short sleeves, a silver necklace being the only not black thing on her. Her hair was let down and as the wind blew, it showed the feather earrings in her ears.
The brunette chose a nice luxury restaurant in downtown. Not because she wanted to spoil the blonde with fancy food but because she didn’t want anyone to bother them. She wanted this date to be perfect, just the two of them and that didn’t involve any fans.
The nervousness fell off of them after a while and they just slid into their usual topics, talking about work and friends and some personal stuff. They were laughing a lot, smiling at each other. Sometimes, they looked into each other’s eyes and it wasn’t just a quick glance that you share when you talk. They captured each other’s eyes and didn’t want to let go and they just dove into the emerald and chocolate eyes with a happy smile.
After they finished their dessert that they ordered just to prolong their time together, Lana paid and they were ready to leave.
“Lana? I don’t want this evening to end just yet.” Jen looked at the brunette as she clutched at her arm again.
“Neither do I,” she smiled and rested her hand on the blonde’s.
“Can we go for a walk?”
“I’d love that.”
They walked slowly to the park near the restaurant. The lamps were already on but it wasn’t dark yet. The enveloping silence was somehow comforting, there was no need to talk, they were just enjoying each other’s presence.
“Can we sit down for a while?” Jen stopped suddenly as they were passing another bench.
Lana took the blonde in sight curiously but didn’t say anything, just nodded and sat down next to her. It seemed like Jen wanted to talk about something and she didn’t want to push her.
They were sitting there for few minutes, inches apart. Lana started to feel a little bit uncomfortable or maybe just impatient.
“The scars on my arm, I have them since I was about sixteen.” Jen was playing with her ring, not looking at Lana, being too scared of telling her that, too nervous about talking about this, little bit afraid that Lana would judge her for her actions even tho her reason was telling her that that’s nonsense.
“Jen… You don’t have to tell me… I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you have to…” Lana wanted to know what happened, she really did. But only because she wanted to be sure that whatever pushed Jen to this reaction, is now gone, that she has overcome it. And if she hasn’t, she was more than willing to help her. But she wanted the blonde to be positive that she wanted to share this with her.
“No, Lana, please, let me tell you. I mean, if you want to hear it…” The last words were just a whisper, fear that Lana might reject her. She finally looked up, searching for reassurance that it is okay to tell her this.
“I do want to hear it but only if you are sure that you want to tell me.” Lana reached out her hand but then stopped, letting it fall back down, not knowing if this display of affection would be welcomed or not.
“I am.” Jen nodded determinedly.
“Can I hold your hand?” Lana asked sheepishly.
Jen was silent for a while, thinking about this. She wanted Lana’s comfort, she felt safe around her but right now, when talking about all this…
“No, sorry, I…” She won’t get upset, will she?
“It’s fine, you don’t have to explain.” Lana smiled and touched her shoulder for a second, just to let her know that she’s not going anywhere, she’s still there, waiting for her to be ready to talk.
“I was sixteen. High school was difficult for me. Not because of grades or studying but because of other girls and boys. I… they caught me looking at few girls couple times, like, checking them out. I didn’t even know I was doing it! But they never saw me dating a boy and I never talked about any so they started to call me a dyke.” Jen stopped talking for a moment. She kicked off her heels and pulled her legs up on the bench, hugging them tight.
Lana was waiting patiently for her to continue. She had an idea where this was going to and she felt her anger growing.
“They used many different names. When I didn’t react to that and when they got tired of it, they started to tell me that being gay or bi is bad, that it’s all wrong, that I’m sick and that the world would be better off without people like me.” She stopped talking again, taking a deep breath, trying to push the tears back. Lana was getting furious, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
“And then I believed them. I knew nothing about homosexuality or bisexuality, I kept hearing that it’s wrong. I was confused, I didn’t know what was happening with me, I didn’t even know who I liked, if I liked boys or girls or both but I knew that it’s wrong. And then I felt like I found a way to get rid of it. I cut myself and I was watching the blood going away and I imagined that it’s the wrong sexuality, that it’s going away and I’ll be able to be normal.” She gave up fighting her tears, they were now running down her face. She was rubbing her arm like she could feel the pain again, looking into the darkness.
“May I hug you now?” Lana whispered. She was also crying. It hurt her to know how much was Jen hurting, it hurt her to see her like this, broken again, crying.
The blonde didn’t answer, she nodded, shifting herself closer to the brunette. Lana hugged her tight, swinging her from side to side, whispering soothing words.
“You’re okay now, there’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to the same gender or to both, you’re safe now.” She was placing kissing into the blond curls between the sentences, pushing her own tears back.
They were sitting like this for a while, being comforted by the dark.
“Jen… I have to ask you something…”
“Hm?”
“Do you still think…that there’s something wrong with you? That being with another woman is wrong?” Her tone was careful, she didn’t want to scare her away but she had to know.
“What? Why…” The panic in her voice was audible, she tried to pull away from Lana’s arms. But Lana expected that and tightened her hug.
“Shh, I’m not asking because of me. Yes, I’d like to be with you but if that is not what you want, I’ll respect that. I just want to know that you’re okay, that you’re not hurting. I want to be sure that you don’t think there is something wrong with you. But even if you do, I want to be there for you.”
The only answer Jen gave her was crying. She felt relieved. All the fears, concerns, everything went away with the tears and she was shaking with sobs. She felt safe in Lana’s arms, she trusted her, she wanted the brunette to be the one who would help her, who would fix her.
“It’s okay, I’m here, I promise.”
It took a couple of minutes till Jen calmed down. She took deep breaths before she trusted herself with talking.
“I am okay. Most of the time. I know that there’s nothing wrong with me, I know that it’s normal, I know that. But sometimes, sometimes it comes back, all the fears. Sometimes I’m afraid that when people find out I like women too, they are going to judge me, that they won’t cast me in any shows, that women won’t want to work with me. I know I’m not easy but please, please don’t go away!” Jen pulled away and turned around to look at Lana. She looked her in the eyes. “You make me feel safe.” It was a silent confession, being more than just few words. It was a request, a promise.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Lana smiled at the blonde and wiped the last tears away from her face with her thumb. She caressed her cheekbone, drowning in the green eyes.
Jen was still, she didn’t dare to move, afraid that if she would, everything would disappear.
And then Lana switched to the pink lips and back up to the eyes, waiting for a reaction. The blonde did the same, stopping at the red lips for a bit longer but then right back to the chocolate eyes, telling her answer to the unspoken question.
Lana started to move forward, slowly, to give Jen enough time to change her mind. When she was about an inch away, Jen reached out and grabbed her hand. Lana smiled at her and squeezed it, to let her know she’s there for her, she can be her harbour.
And then Jen moved forward, closing the space between them. Their lips connected, Lana’s left hand still on Jen’s cheek and her right hand still in the blonde’s. They didn’t move, they just stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the first kiss.
Then Lana broke the kiss with a big smile on her face.
“C’mere,” and she gestured for Jen to come closer so she could hug her.
“I want to try,” Jen whispered when she breathed in Lana’s intoxicating scent.
The brunette just squeezed her tighter.