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"You're such a freak, man."
Banri scowled and raised his middle finger. "Fuck off, it's not that weird."
"Who the fuck boils water in a kettle and adds it to their hot bath?"
"Because the goddamn tap never gets the bath hot enough!"
Taichi crossed his legs on the floor as he shook his head. "That's insane. How can you handle being in water that hot?"
"I need it, to be honest. I don't feel comfortable in a bath unless I feel like I'm boiling alive."
Taichi and Juza's brows creased in unison.
Banri scowled harder. "Fuck OFF. Stop judging me for my pastimes. I like to pretend I'm being turned into soup and the only one allowed to judge me for what I do in the bathroom is fucking Jesus Christ."
"You like to pretend you're soup?" Taichi asked incredulously. His jaw dropped. "Hold on, is that why all of your bath toys are squeaky vegetables? That's messed up."
"It's peaceful."
"How the heck is turning into soup peaceful?"
Banri sighed and scooted forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees and leaving his hands free to gesture. "Okay. Imagine this. I sit back in the tub."
"Uh huh."
"The carrots and potatoes are bobbing all around me."
"Yeah."
"I close my eyes and pretend a giant caught me and he's boiling me alive to be turned into human soup."
"Fucked up, but go on."
Banri's palms opened. "That's it. Peace. There's nothing to worry about now. I'm turning into soup. There's nothing to worry about or overthink. I've done it. I've reached peace and serenity."
Silence.
Juza sighed quietly. "You're so messed up."
"Eat SHIT, Hyodo."
Taichi clapped his hands. "Jumping off of the soup point though. What do you guys like eating in the shower?"
Now it was Taichi's turn to be gawked at.
"Eat?" Juza repeated.
"In the shower? " Banri made a face. "What the hell is your damage?"
"What! No, no, trust me, it's the best thing ever."
" Taichi, why are you eating your meals in the shower ."
"I'm not eating meals ," he snapped. "Just... snacks!"
"THAT'S NOT BETTER."
"Okay. Here's how it happened."
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE BACKSTORY, THAT SHIT'S FUCKING WEIRD."
"I do," Juza said softly.
Taichi stuck a finger into Banri's face. "WEIRDER THAN PRETENDING YOU'RE TURNING INTO SOUP? "
"At least I'm not actually pouring a goddamn can of Campbell into my bath water, you sick freak!"
"Stop being mean to me! I'm telling my story!"
Juza shoved Banri's shoulder. "Let him tell the story."
Taichi huffed. "Thank you, Juza. God. Okay. So. It was seven months ago. You know those pepperoni sticks Tenma buys from Whole Foods?"
Juza shuddered. He did. Loathsome. 15 centimeter, smoky sticks of jerky that felt like dog treats.
"They hit so hard, dude. You know, when you want something to chew and taste but you're not really in the mood to eat. I stick 'em in my mouth and gnaw on them for like fifteen minutes." Taichi rubbed his palms together. "So I'm eating one, and then Sakyo kicks the door open yelling at me to go take a shower. I go in, I turn the water on, toss my clothes into the corner. I'm getting my hair wet and putting shampoo in the palm when I realize, I've still got jerky in my mouth."
Banri's exhale sounded genuinely pained as he covered his face with his hands. "You are so..."
"LISTEN. I'm thinking, maybe I should wash the shampoo off my hands and put it on the sink top to eat later."
"YOU WERE GOING TO KEEP EATING IT?"
"THE SINK WAS CLEAN, STOP INTERRUPTING ME." Taichi stuck his tongue out. "But, like... I didn't want to waste an entire palmful of shampoo. And I didn't want to get out of the shower mid-wash either, waddle over to the sink, put it there, and then come back. That's cold . So I just... shampooed my hair while chewing, and then I did the rest of the shower, and by the time I was in my pajamas and drying off, I just barely finished the pepperoni stick. And, like, I was sitting at my desk and thinking, 'Huh! Wow! That was literally the best experience of my life.'"
"Please get higher standards."
"SHUT UP, BANRI. So yeah, now whenever I'm feeling a little hungry but it's shower time, I like to go bring a snack in with me. Like a granola bar, or a small can of Pringles. Or more jerky. It's fun! You should give it a try."
Silence.
Juza crossed his arms. "You guys are weird. I shower like a normal person."
"What temperature do you like your showers in?"
"Cold."
Taichi and Banri both leapt to their feet.
"COLD SHOWERS?" Banri bellowed. "WHORE. GO TO HELL. THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"Monster!" Taichi screeched at the top of his lungs, pointing a finger in Juza's direction. "Demon! AAAAAAUUUUGH!"