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“Love,” Jeno showed his lover the envelope containing the letter from the government, his name, LEE JENO, typewritten at the front. “They have summoned me to the military base,” his tone sounded of defeat as if the war they were currently preparing for had been lost.
Renjun tried his best to not show the hurt. They both knew this day was coming as their country needed them to protect it.
Nonetheless, the news pierced right through his heart like a knife. It was painful.
They were by the river, sitting on a low-lying branch of the big oak tree, swinging their bare feet a few inches above the water. For the past two years of seeing each other in secret, this place had been their solace. They don’t have to pretend they were strangers here. They can be just themselves with their love only growing stronger as days pass by.
It seemed like their love will be tested to greater heights as the news of enlistment knocked them off their feet.
“Where will you be assigned? Was it indicated in the letter?” Renjun asked, reaching out to interlace his fingers with Jeno’s.
Jeno in return gave Renjun's delicate hand a squeeze before bringing it near his lips, kissing the back of it. “No, the letter didn’t say anything about the location. It just said I need to go to the military base to report.” He turned to look at Renjun's eyes, searching for comfort. He had always been comforted by his lover’s warm brown eyes. But now, it was shrouded by a cloud of unease. He cannot blame Renjun for that. Not when they were on the verge of being torn apart.
“How much time do we have, love?”
“I leave in four days, Renjun ah.”
The smaller male hummed in acknowledgement, leaning in to rest his head on Jeno’s shoulder. No one said anything for a while, the hushed sound of the flowing river’s water filled the empty space surrounding them.
“Jeno… I also got a letter,” Renjun stated in a small voice, reaching inside the pocket of his trousers. There laid on his palm a similar looking envelope, HUANG RENJUN printed on the front. “I am not going to go to the base. It says I'll be in the Capital.”
“The Capital? That place is brimming with the worst people in our country, sweetheart,” Jeno’s words were laden with concern for Renjun, holding the other’s hand a little tighter. “But at least you’ll not fight. That makes me feel a little better.”
“I'd rather be there with you. I’m distraught by this, Jeno yah. I- I am so scared-” Renjun’s voice shook, the thought of being away from Jeno tormented him the moment his mother gave him his letter. “I cannot imagine my life without you, my love. I'd die… I don't want to spend my days in that place while you’re out there, risking your life… Maybe I can ask them to reassign me.”
His lover cupped his cheeks that were now wet with tears and pulled him to his chest, his lips quivered as he let out sob after sob.
“No, don’t ask them that, love. You stay there in the Capital. It’s alright,” Jeno whispered near Renjun’s ear. "If only we could refuse. But you know we can’t, my dear. Our country needs us.”
Jeno was met by another dejected cry, Renjun’s arms encircled around his neck in surrender. He never heard Renjun cry like this before and it crushed him from the inside. He wanted to comfort his crying lover yet his words failed him.
The sky darkened as Renjun let out his fears through his tears. The looming presence of uncertainty seemed to taunt them, challenging them to protest against it.
They must disappoint uncertainty. For they accepted that there was nothing they could do.
--
“You take care there, my love.”
“You, too. Promise me you shall not forget to eat your meals and sleep if you can.”
Renjun beamed at him. “That I will. And before we both leave, Jeno,” he said, stepping closer to him. “I want you to have this.”
He took Jeno’s empty right hand and placed a piece of polaroid. He turned it over for Jeno to see and it was a photograph of Renjun, taken this year a few months before the war broke out. Renjun was leaning by a tree, the tall grasses and white clovers surrounded him, his glasses sparkled under the sun. They were playing around with the film camera that Renjun borrowed from his older cousin at that time.
Renjun appeared blissful, his lips pulled up in the slightest of smiles while he posed for Jeno. And his lover’s heart bursted in adoration as he looked at it. Jeno remembered that day clearly. This photograph will continue to remind him of it.
“I have one of yours, too. We took such silly photographs that day but this one is my favourite,” Renjun showed Jeno the photograph of him lying down on the grass, the sun hitting his handsome face with the wind billowing against his hair. “I chose this because it was unplanned and you looked stunning here, sweetheart. I'll bring you everywhere I go. That’s another promise I will keep besides eating and sleeping-”
Renjun’s litany was cut off when Jeno leaned in to capture his lips in the most bittersweet kiss, all their unsaid words poured out at that moment.
They have shared many kisses in the past years. This kiss felt like a farewell.
No one knows what will happen once they part.
Only time will tell.
And damn it, they both prayed they would still find themselves in each other’s arms once time allowed them to.
--
“Jeno, they’re gaining on us! What should we do?”
“Why are you asking me? I don't know what to do, either! I cannot give you commands! We’re so far away from the chief!” Jeno screamed with all his might to his companion as bombs flew left and right around their hiding spot deep within the forest.
Jaemin, a fellow he met during the training and the first friend he made in the military, clutched his gun tighter in his hands, his helmet laid askew on top of his unruly hair. His face and exposed hands were covered with soot and dirt from the battle. “We’re on our own here, Jen. We need to do something!”
From a distance, shouts from the other side of the forest echoed. Jeno cannot understand if it was from their commander or from the enemy but at this point, he didn’t really care. All he cared about was not dying on the battlefield. He knew Jaemin was as scared as him but fear had no place in war. They have no choice but to continue even if they were surrounded by imminent death.
Like his habit, he placed his hand over his chest where Renjun's photograph was safely hidden inside his uniform. He never went out without it; may it be inside his uniform or inside his pocket when they were back in the base. His lover promised he would bring his photo everywhere, symbolising that they were with each other no matter what.
A promise they made alongside others when they parted from each other.
“Jeno, what do we do? I can hear them nearing us…” Jaemin said, eyes searching him for an instant answer, his voice trembled from slight panic.
Jeno closed his eyes for a few seconds, opening them to meet Jaemin's questioning ones. He needed to think fast or else they may not see the sunrise tomorrow. Jeno quite liked sunrises. “We have to fight, Jaemin, or else we’ll get killed. And these bastards will not be the cause of my death, you hear me? So here's my plan: if we see the others, we’ll round them up, and we will fight together, alright? Our enemies don’t have shields unlike us so maybe we can use that to protect us when we go out while some of us can fire back. Save your ammo and only fire when it’s needed. We should be as fast as we can in dodging bullets, bombs, and knives. I think I saw some of them carrying small daggers that they threw. We must be careful with those. How does that sound to you?”
Jaemin gave it a thought and once it made sense in his mind, he nodded, sitting up a little straighter. Another bomb exploded in the distance, the sound ripping through the air. “That seems to be our best bet. It's now or never then, Lee Jeno. I don't want to die knowing I didn't even put up a fight.”
He gave Jaemin a pat on the shoulder, smiling widely at him. He felt hopeful and after doing this for almost a year against their counterparts, he discovered that hope keeps you on pushing forward, a sense of purpose that you have to live even in the most desolate moments. “Once this is all done, we should go out drinking together. Preferably with the love of our lives by our side.”
“Such a lovely thought. Mark and I would really like that,” his friend responded, his face sombre but his eyes burned with determination. He reached over his head and arranged his helmet. “Let's get this over with, Jeno.”
A lovely thought indeed.
--
“Second Lieutenant Huang, when you were asked to give your opinion in planning, we didn’t give you the permission to be disrespectful to your superiors. You may have shown great wit and intelligence before you were promoted but you must show respect in this room,” General Park’s gurgled voice boomed inside the Capital’s conference room. Almost all the most important people in the country were there, each suggesting their different points of view.
Renjun thought their suggestions were stupid and would only benefit the rich and powerful. And he was known to not back down when he knew he was in the right. He cannot believe the people that vowed to serve and protect the citizens of their country were treating the war like a lottery. “Since when did challenging one’s opinion become synonymous with disrespect, General Park? Tell me! I know most of you look down on me because I'm young but I'm not blind! You’re making them retreat back to their camps? Where are they all concentrated in one place? They’re going to be ambushed!”
The other officers looked at him as if he spoke another language, eyebrows knitted, and nostrils flared in annoyance. But Renjun paid them no mind. He knew these old geezers will continue to belittle his ability regardless of how many times he had proved them wrong from previous strategic planning.
Colonel Shim stood up, his hand signalled for the two officers to calm down. “This is not the time to argue, gentlemen. Officer Huang, you should know your place in the ranks before lashing out like that-”
That made Renjun sneer in sheer anger, standing up from his chair at the end of the table. “Lashing out? You call that lashing out? See, you pull this shit over and over as if your ranks say something about your knowledge in warfare! The people most dear to my heart will be given these instructions and will be sent to their demise and none of you cares! You care more about what you will gain out of this! What more do you want me to do, huh? Every single time we have these meetings, you overlook my opinions and then will revert back to them once we’re on a slippery slope. Can you please listen to me and see what idiocy you are going to commit?” Renjun cannot seem to stop, months of frustration from these rotten people finally exploding.
His mind was filled with the gruesome images of his friends in the carnage and most of all, his mind was filled with Jeno. His lover. The love of his life. Each time they strategise, he has Jeno’s picture inside his trousers’ pocket. Once he is back in his tiny office, he would take it out and hold it close to his chest, leaning back on his chair, praying that he is safe out there.
He was not going to let the greed of these people overpower him. They could kill him, sure. But at least he didn’t die following the wicked ways of his superiors.
The tension soon dissipated and Renjun seated down, his ears ringing from his loud heartbeat.
“Officer Huang’s right, General Park,” came Major General Kim's voice from the silence, the two stars on his uniform gleaming under the light of the conference room. “We keep running in circles as this planning continues. And while I don't agree with some of the heavy accusations from Officer Huang since some of them are absolutely correct,” he stared down at the other officers seated. “Putting all of the men in one place is a hot spot for the enemies to ambush them. What I suggest, if you may, General Park and to everyone here, is for us to spread the men strategically here, here, and here,” he extended his hand to point at the map. “Captain Lee Jeno, Captain Na Jaemin, and Captain Jung Sungchan will be instructed to lay low as they transfer locations, keeping their artillery intact. They’ll lead the rest into hiding until such time it’s ready to defend.”
Renjun balled his hands into fists upon hearing Jeno’s name. He knew he was promoted almost the same time he did. He thought that fate was playing such a cruel game for even when they’re apart, they manage to be in sync.
The men discussed in a hushed tone. Some conversed with Renjun about the plan that Major General Kim suggested. Some gave him a gentle pat on the back, saying he did a good job. Major General Kim smiled at him, the man giving him a thumbs up.
General Park called the attention of the officers. “We will go with Major General Kim's suggestion. Send out the message to the captains and we’ll see what happens. Should they need any more assistance, may I ask Second Lieutenant Huang to be the one to provide what they need. I have a feeling this war will end soon. Meeting adjourned.”
Everyone stood up and left.
--
The war ended two weeks after the meeting in the conference room.
Renjun felt all his worries melt away the moment he heard the announcement through the Capital’s sound system, Second Lieutenant Lee Donghyuck’s voice drowned by the celebratory shouts of their companions.
Even more so when Donghyuck announced that there were no deaths from their troops and all the officers were safe. They’re all preparing to come back to the military base.
He took out Jeno’s picture from his pocket, his beloved’s peaceful smile bringing tranquillity to him.
“Thank you,” Renjun said to no one in particular. He leaned back against his chair, a lone tear streaming down his cheek.
--
THREE YEARS LATER.
--
“Mother, I thought we said we’re not going to talk about this anymore. I have no time for this.”
“Jeno, you cannot expect me to keep quiet, do you? You’re of age to be married and settle down, my son,” Mrs. Lee pointed out.
Jeno tried his best to keep his annoyance at bay because this was his dear mother he was talking to. But boy, she was so persistent. It’s something that he had inherited from her and according to Renjun, it’s one of his most endearing traits.
Of course, no one knew about his relationship with Renjun until this day, three years after the war.
He thought he’ll be back in his hometown and be reunited with the love of his life. But he couldn’t do so because he was promoted to colonel, and he was informed that he had to stay to train young cadets.
This news displeased Jeno the first few months, making him quite the temperamental superior. He was thankful he had Jaemin and Sungchan beside him to placate him. He would later excuse his unjust anger and show humility to the young cadets by apologising, something that was rare to see in an officer of his rank.
Being away from Renjun for a year was unbearable already. What more indefinitely?
Three years later he was still bitter.
And his mother talking about marriage only made it much more impossible to endure.
His family moved to the base with him a few weeks after his promotion. The others did it too, but the majority of them went back to their hometowns. How Jeno envied them so much.
“My dear son. I am old and frail. I want to be there when you get married and have children. I want you to be happy for there’s no greater joy in life than to have children of your own. I may sound like a broken record but there’s nothing that I wish for but your happiness.”
Mrs. Lee sat down beside her son, taking his sturdy hands roughened by the war in hers. Her thumb hovered over the faint scar at the back of his palm. “Jeno, this will make me and your late father feel at peace. For you to be wed. A man of your stature must be married to someone equally as influential. It will secure your family’s line for generations to come, my son-”
“Why are you speaking on behalf of Father? He will never want me to get married to a loveless union, Mother,” Jeno snatched his hand back, looking incredulously at his mother. “My title should not hinder me from finding what my heart yearns for. You want me to be happy, mother? Then let me find love on my own terms. And I refuse to do your bidding-”
SLAP!
“How dare you speak to your mother like that, Lee Jeno! Do you think I'm doing this for myself? Love? In this time and age? Don’t make me laugh.” Mrs. Lee’s voice thundered through the eerily empty space of Jeno’s bedroom, her chest heaved from breaths. “Jeno, you’re not getting any younger. You’re 27 and I won’t let you chase an illusion where you can peacefully settle for something concrete. Something with permanence. I will not be talked down to like this by my own son. You may be a big shot here in the base but you’re still my child, Jeno. And you will do as I say.
“Because if you don’t, then forget that you were ever my son.”
Jeno didn’t argue, his cheek stung from the slap he had gotten.
“We will be meeting Commander Jung and his family on the 27th and I expect your full cooperation, Jeno. Don’t disappoint me.”
He heard his mother’s footsteps as she turned on her heel to leave his room.
Jeno felt the tears fall from his eyes and onto the floor. He never felt so powerless in his life.
In all the battles he has faced, this is the only one where he had no choice but to accept defeat.
--
“Renjun ah, oh my dearest.”
Renjun turned around, greeting his grandmother with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. “ Halmeoni, why are you here? You should be seated with our family.”
Grandmother Huang raised her perfectly arched brow thanks to the makeup artist that dolled her up. She was wearing a pale lilac dress with her grey shawl over her shoulders to keep her warm. Most of the women were wearing heels for the occasion but Grandmother Huang opted for flats.
She looked stunning, Renjun thought. Of course, she should look breathtaking.
It was her grandson’s wedding day after all.
“ Halmeoni, I insist that you go back. You’ll be much more comfortable there with Aunt Chang and Aunt Zhao,” Renjun said, leading his grandmother by the big couch in the middle of his waiting room. “Wait, let me call Chenle to escort you back-”
“My dear boy, sit down. I am fine. I am not dying yet so calm down, my dearest,” Grandmother Huang chuckled, holding onto Renjun’s arm. “I know I must speak to you before your pretend game ceremony starts.”
That made Renjun confused. “What pretend game are you talking about halmeoni? Do you mean my wedding? But it is happening. In less than an hour…”
Grandmother Huang sighed and slowly leaned back on the couch, her eyes staring at the ceiling. “Renjun, you keep forgetting that I was the one who raised you while your mother's busy with work. I know that you’re not happy and you’re only going through this wedding because of the pressure to get married.”
He shook his head in denial. “Of course not. Halmeoni, you’re clearly mistaken-”
His grandmother cut him off. “I know it was not women that you liked at an early age, my dearest. And I never minded because I cannot change who you are. I let you flourish, explore, and be yourself. You hid it well since your cousins never suspected a thing.”
She paused for a while, taking in Renjun’s surprised expression. For the longest time, his halmeoni had known? That he was gay? That he liked men?
And his grandmother wholly accepted him for who he was?
His grandmother continued. “Do you remember when you’re sneaking out after midnight? I went after you one night and saw you kissing Lee Jeno down by the river. And I was overjoyed, my dearest. You both look so happy. Ah, young love. Such misfortune that fate wasn’t kind to the two of you. So tell me, Renjun. Why are you subjecting yourself to this? You know where Jeno is, right? He’s by the base. Why not try again and chase after your happiness? Your fairytale ending?”
Oh. That.
He guessed that his grandmother didn’t know.
“I appreciate knowing all these, halmeoni. One of the reasons why I kept my real self from everyone was because I feared your disapproval. It's your acceptance that I care about. I heard how our neighbours abhor the idea of two men being together like married men and women and I don't want to be a burden to you anymore. Turns out, I didn't have anything to worry about.” Renjun let out a humourless chuckle. “And halmeoni, I cannot go and chase Jeno anymore. As much as I want to run down the base and ask for his hand, it would be inappropriate of me to do so.”
“And why’s that, dearest?”
Renjun breathed deeply, angling his body to face his grandmother. He took her hands; the hands that tended to him all these years, hands that never ceased to care for him, the hands that caressed him so gently when he’s having nightmares. He lifted their joined hands to his cheek, offering her a sad smile.
“The love of my life’s married now, halmeoni. We were never meant to be.”
--
45 YEARS LATER.
--
“So much has changed here,” Jeno commented, his eyes scanning the wide expanse of buildings, roads, and cars. “It doesn't feel like the home I once knew…”
“Well, it’s been almost 50 years since you’ve been here, darling. From what I have heard, they only started to build these infrastructures around 30 years ago,” his wife, Hajoon, supplied. “The townsfolk liked their life simpler even if everyone’s moving on.”
Jeno only hummed in response, walking up to the steps of the new town hall with Hajoon’s arm looped around his. “Let’s go, Hajoon ah. We’ll be late.”
His wife chuckled lightly, squeezing his arm. “You and your punctuality. It will never cease to amaze me.”
It’s because Renjun hates it when people are late, he wanted to answer but chose to remain silent.
When Jeno received an electronic mail through his eldest son, Jowon, questions were flying out and about inside his mind. At 72 years old, who would try to get in touch with him?
“ Appa , it says that you’re invited to the inauguration of the new town hall in Taesong on the 15th. It was signed by former Mayor Lee Donghyuck. Apparently, they’re inviting prominent citizens who were former residents of Taesong,” Jeno recalled Jowon when he relayed the contents of the mail to him. “Taesong is your hometown right, appa ? It’s amazing that they have a registry with everyone who used to live there or else they cannot send emails to them like this.”
“It is, Jowon ah. I haven't been there for such a long time. And yes! Mr. and Mrs. Kwon were excellent town officers! They made sure everyone is listed down. I'm glad they managed to keep the records well.”
Jowon gave him the printed letter, smiling. “I remember when you talked about Taesong to us, appa . You only have great stories of your hometown. Maybe it’s time you and Taesong reunite after all these years. Who knows who would be there, right? Old friends, old acquaintances, old girlfriends?” he playfully nudged his father by his elbow.
The older Lee laughed, shushing his son. “Don’t let your eomma hear that. You know how she gets easily jealous.”
Jeno thought about it and a little out of town trip won’t hurt. He told Hajoon about it and she was thrilled to be able to travel again.
Once inside the new town hall, he felt a myriad of emotions. This place felt familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Geographically speaking, it was the place where he was born, where he grew up, and where he had a lot of life-changing realisations.
But above all, it was where he met and fell in love with Renjun.
Whom he never stopped thinking about through the years past. It was the one part of his life that he cannot share with his wife or his two children. He should be the only one to be hurt from the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could have beens’.
Was it fair to his family to keep such secrets? Jeno didn’t want to think about that. All he knew was he didn’t want to be married.
He was able to recall most of the people’s names when they started to socialise. He learned that the former mayor was also a retired officer designated in the Capital. That made him think of Renjun automatically, but he ignored it. It will only make him hope that he will run into him tonight.
Jeno saw his wife mingling with the women, looking elegant in her pale pink dress, her long flowy grey hair pinned up in a pretty bun. She turned her head, and she saw him looking at her. She waved at him and went back to talking to her new acquaintances.
“You would never believe what I have to go through in setting this place straight once I became mayor,” former Mayor Lee complained as he held a glass of champagne in his right hand. “When I came back after ten years of service from the military, I wasn't expecting that the townspeople would come around and convince me to run for office. And I didn’t want it. I wanted to rest! But I have this one dear friend in the Capital, he was livid when I told him that I was going to reject the offer. And if I may kindly quote him ‘If you reject this opportunity to bring forth actual change for the world, I will stop being your friend.’ Of course, we’re still good friends and guess who became one of the best mayors in our country? Me!” He gleefully retold the story, earning laughs from all of them listening.
“Aha, I knew this is where I would find you, Lee Donghyuck. You’re not telling scandalous stories here now, are you?” a voice from behind Jeno said.
Jeno froze upon hearing the voice.
He knew who owned that voice by heart.
The former mayor clicked his tongue and walked towards the sound of the voice. “And here I thought I would get away with talking behind your back, Huang Renjun.”
He was here.
Renjun was here.
And Jeno was unprepared to see him again.
He felt the sweat form on his creased forehead, trying to avoid other people’s eyes, afraid that they may notice something unusual with his behaviour.
Donghyuck pulled Renjun along back to their small group. Jeno let himself get the slightest peek at his former lover.
Time may have aged Huang Renjun but it didn’t take away his beauty. His hair still looked as healthy as ever, only this time it was purely white with a few strands of grey and black in between. He was wearing wide spectacles, adding a layer of gleam on his already twinkly eyes.
Donghyuck continued to talk and it was at that moment that Renjun turned his head aside, his eyes looking directly at Jeno’s.
Recognition flashed in Renjun’s eyes.
They met again after almost 50 years in the place where it all started.
--
Renjun wasn’t sure why he dragged Jeno by the river as if nothing had changed between them. But something told him that they need to go there and talk.
He made an excuse to the people they were talking to that they needed to visit a place not far away from the town hall, citing that it was where they played as kids. It was only half-true and frankly speaking, he wanted to have time alone with Jeno.
Jeno asked if he could wait for him outside as he would be telling his wife where he would go.
Hearing that stung even after these years but like most of how his married life had been, he kept it to himself.
He precariously walked over the edge of the river, the low lying branch still there and covered in moss. The moon shone over them, casting a soft glow. He settled to sit down on the branch, dangling his shoe-covered feet over the water. “I am glad this place didn’t change, unlike the other parts of town,” he said, his tone neutral.
“It looks so unreal,” Jeno noted as Renjun watched him touch the old tree’s big and wrinkly trunk. “I wasn't expecting to see you here, Renjun ah.”
“Were you waiting for me?” he asked him.
Jeno didn’t reply.
“How have you been, Jeno yah?” Renjun tried again.
Jeno didn’t answer him again. Instead, he walked over and slowly climbed the branch, Renjun helping him to get on. They both shared a snicker when Jeno let out a sound that’s between a groan and a sigh of relief once he was seated on the branch. “There are times that I forget that I'm not as flexible as I used to be.”
Renjun snorted in response, scooting to let Jeno sit comfortably beside him. “You were never the most flexible, Lee Jeno.”
“I would beg to differ, Huang Renjun. You should have seen me during my heyday.”
“You know I would if I could, Jeno yah,” Renjun responded forlornly.
For a while, nobody said anything. As if they were transported back 48 years ago, on the day they told each other the news of their assignment for the war, the air was filled with unsaid words wanting to be said.
Yet both cannot find the words to say at that moment.
Renjun spoke first. “Jeno yah. As much as I am joyful to see you, I am also in agony,” he started, looking down on his swinging feet. He dipped one of his feet lower to the water, creating a ripple. “I saw your wife back there and the newspaper pictures don't do justice to how beautiful she is. You and her look great together. So great. And your children as well, all successful on their own. They have two wonderful parents so I shouldn’t be surprised.”
Each word he uttered tasted bitter on his tongue, but he knew he had to say them. He didn’t know if there would be another chance for him to tell his long-lost lover everything he wanted to say.
“You were married before me, did you know that?. I got married two months after you. Word got to the Capital that Captain Lee Jeno, one of the heroes of the war, got married to Commander Jung's daughter. I faked a cheer when they told me, offering insincere words to those who asked what I thought about the union. Nobody knew about us there, don’t worry. Even Donghyuck has no idea. I cried a lot after hearing that but who was I fooling, right? I think we were both doomed from the start…”
“Renjun ah, don’t say that. we weren’t doomed,” Jeno asserted, his tone firm. “Maybe it was just never meant to be.”
He was answered by a humourless laugh from Renjun, his hand balling into fists by the side of thighs. “It’s not as easy to accept. My future was planned with you in it, Jeno yah. I was looking forward to coming home and seeing you again, only to be met by the news of you getting married. I felt so crushed and my world was filled with dread, thinking that the man I love so dearly is in someone else’s arms. Arms that were not my own.”
Renjun was full-on crying now, hiccupping while his head laid low, and his face covered by his silver hair. “I tried so hard to love her, Jeno. Gaeul was an amazing woman but how can I love her? She’s not you and she will never be you. Every day, I pray to whatever god is out there for her to leave me so she can live her life. But she stayed, saying she was also forced into a loveless marriage. So we made a pact that we will live amicably. We even agreed to take in lovers if we wanted to but neither of us did. When Yeogeun was born, we were so happy and I thought I'll have a chance at happiness. To live life to the fullest with a wife and a child.
“But when was life ever fair, right, Jeno yah? Gaeul was taken from me, too. She passed away from colon cancer eight years after Yeogeun was born.”
Jeno cannot keep ignoring the desire to hug Renjun anymore so he did just that. He let his arms wrap around Renjun’s shaking form to his side, running a gentle hand up and down his back as he sobs.
“Yeogeun grew up without a mother for most of his life. Yet he was such a wonderful son, Jeno yah. He is the light of my life and I worked hard to keep him happy. I guess fate took pity on me and let me keep Yeogeun. He’s married now, too. To his college boyfriend. I'm so proud of him, you know that?”
“I am sure he’s proud of you, too, Renjun ah. You’re his father. You raised him on your own. There’s no better demonstration of love and dedication than that,” Jeno assured him, letting him go.
“Thank you, Jeno yah. Goodness, I'm sorry, I unloaded all of that to you. But it’s good to see you. I am happy,” Renjun sniffled, taking his glasses off and wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.
“No, it’s alright, Renjun ah. And I’m happy to see you, too. Wonderful even. Here, let’s go back there. You need to wipe your tears properly or it’ll feel sticky on your skin,” Jeno offered.
The two of them moved back to the riverbank, setting their feet back on the ground. “Do you have a handkerchief?” Jeno asked Renjun.
Renjun shook his head. “I think I left it in my car.”
“You still forget things, don’t you?” Jeno teased and he reached at the side pocket of his trousers to grab his own handkerchief. “Here, you can use it.”
Renjun looked at him and took it, smiling. “Thank you.”
What Jeno didn’t know was that his wallet fell on the ground as he was taking his handkerchief out.
Renjun saw it after he finished drying his face of tears.
His heart sped up when he saw what fell out of the wallet.
He crouched, picking up the wallet and the small paper that fell out. “You still have it?”
Jeno stared at Renjun’s hands. “Yes, Renjun. I have never left without it,” he answered simply as if it was obvious.
Renjun’s head whipped to look at him, his eyes welling again with tears. “Jeno yah…” he trailed off. He slipped his hand inside his pocket and showed Jeno the picture of himself laying down on the grass, his eyes barely open because of the sunshine. “I don’t leave without it with me, too.”
The taller man rushed to his side, taking both of his hands to his. “Renjun ah. I'm so sorry. I tried to fight for us. I waited for three years but my mother… My mother was so controlling of me even when I was there. I- I tried. I badly wanted to be with you but I couldn't. I broke my promise, Renjun ah. But believe me when I say that there’s not a day that passes that I don't think of you. My heart ached for you every day and every night. Yet I’m too scared back then,” Jeno choked on his tears as he explained, looking at Renjun through his blurry vision. “You’re the one for me, Renjun ah. That never changed. That will never change.”
His former lover surged forward to hug him as tight as he could, scared that he may not hug Huang Renjun after this.
Nobody had to know what happened there that night. How tightly they embraced each other. How the words they will never say will remain unsaid yet will never deter the truth of their undying love to each other.
A love lost in time. A love never meant to be.
And the moon was their only witness.