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There is a line.
A line that was meticulously drawn as their friendship establishes.
But she doesn't know where it started to fuck up and the lines started blurring. Trainee years? High school years? Adult years after that? No idea. What's important is the smudging process is gradual, like how Heejin gradually becomes such a part of life that she's now mentioned whenever she's with fans or members or other friends or company people- you get the memo.
There must have been an exact pinpoint, maybe it's when physical contact came from innocent comfort to bearing a heavier meaning, or when small talks turned into Hyunjin trusting her enough to open up, or when fighting about their differences turned to fighting people who try to nitpick their flaws. —she's not exactly sure.
For Hyunjin, the progress was obvious to the members. She was always reserved, and opening up is probably the greatest achievement.
For Heejin, even she doesn't understand if she's picking up on things with the shorter girl too heavily because of the epiphany that she has a thing for her best friend or change is also being done. Heejin was always the touchy one, the 'kind of cold one but still expresses' one, the powerful 'I'll confront you right now with no fear whatsoever'.
It's confusing.
Even more confusing when they're late at night in the company, well not late, it was 8 pm, but she was ready to go home. Only to have Jeon Heejin forcefully enter her room and laugh at the lack of furniture in her vocal room.
She has one couch, and that's enough for them both to lounge on and eat the food Heejin bought. It was rarer than usual, they have their own lives, and living with 11 more people doesn't mean you see everyone every day. But eating and casually chatting with Heejin was nostalgic and makes her think of their school years.
The mood was kind of comforting, relaxing as they listened to music from Hyunjin's phone, updating each other on the affairs they've done this past week.
It was relaxing, Hyunjin feeling her body sink deeper on the couch, more specifically, Heejin's shoulders.
"This is so comfortable I could sleep here."
"We're going to get cramps if you stay there."
"It's comfier than the couch."
"It's your couch." More like she took it when they were going to throw it out.
"It is, but you're like a bed."
Heejin chuckles at her, hand naturally pushing away the stray hair falling in front of her face. And she knows Hyunjin is staring at her.
"Hyunjin?"
"Hm?"
"Can I kiss you?" Hyunjin feels her heart skip a beat, finding herself staring back. The atmosphere is intense as more minutes tick by. Heejin's eyes hold a drive and are weirdly confident, hand still on Hyunjin's cheek. Ready to take action if she was down for it.
And of course, Hyunjin was down for it.
They kiss, she practically surged forward, Heejin catching the lips that falls on hers. They're pressed tightly together, close enough that Heejin probably feels her frantic heartbeat.
Contrasting the rhythm of their kiss which is slow and fluid, Hyunjin pulls away first because she literally can't breathe. A little panicky because how the hell is she supposed to know what's happening when it's her first time kissing anyone.
Heejin stares back, eyes looking like there are stars in them behind her round glasses.
They're both slightly out of breath, slightly confused about the next move is.
"I think-" "I want to" They speak at the same time.
"You first?"
"No, you."
"Just say it."
"No, I want to hear you first."
"Kim Hyunjin."
"Jeon Heejin."
They glare at each other, a rival stare until Heejin succumbs with a sigh.
"I-" The words visibly die in her throat, Hyunjin waiting in anxiety and anticipation, "I want to k- uh..."
"Kiss?"
"Kiss?"
They're in sync when they tilt their heads.
"Yeah, kiss me again."
"Okay, I'll do that."
The affection heightens after the kiss.
Both being bad at vocal expression, they don't talk about it.
But Heejin shyly locking their fingers together as they walk back to their dorm, the girl whipping around to give her a quick peck before she embarrassingly taps on the keypad of their door, missing a few times that Sooyoung had to open and judgingly squint her eyes at Heejin who made her get up at the couch because she thought someone was trying to break in.
She doesn't give much interest at their return as she slumps on the coach with Chaewon and Jinsoul, engaged in the show playing on the Tv as the two make their way to their respective rooms.
"Heejin." Hyunjin finds herself calling seriously before the girl could enter her room, "I have something to say."
"Hmm?"
She gives a meek smile, "Good night."
Heejin laughs at her absurdity, "You're an idiot, Kim Hyunjin."
"Hey!"
^^^
"Can we like, maybe, take a five?" Jinsoul asks as she leans on the wall, ready to pass away beside an equally tired Vivi. Relearning and dancing Paint The Town 5 times in a row is just another ticket to their funeral. So The choreographer lets them rest, the group of girls dissolving into exhausted bodies on the floor, some leaving to get something from their vocal rooms.
She notices Heejin on her phone beside her, not sweaty yet, but forehead damped as she watches intently, reviewing their dance from earlier.
Always so hard-working. Always so professional and passionate.
Her eyebrows crease in wonder when a smile creeps in Heejin's face.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"What is it?"
"I said nothing."
"What is it? What is it? What is it?" One may argue that she's acting like a child, which she is, but Jeon Heejin is used to this behaviour. Turning her body to face the wide-eyed girl, it's been a while since they've been this close, except for the kisses and make-outs that are quick and sudden because they're being rushed to the next schedule.
Heejin smirks ominously, "You want to know why I'm smiling?"
"Duh."
"You."
Hyunjin feels herself redden, and maybe die a little.
"Shut up."
"It is, I like it when you stare at me." She responds with unhindered confidence, eyes staring up bright.
Crap. Shit.
"You like me staring?"
"Yeah."
"Naybe you have a stalker fetish."
"Hey! Don't say that." The blonde wacks her shoulder, making Hyunjin laugh at her loser ass.
And their moment is ruined completely by Hyejoo telling everyone to start practice, everyone begrudgingly getting in formation.
(Hyunjin watches the blonde not even nervous as she adjusts the mic pack from her rear, singing a few lines to herself to match the pitch of their song.
"Look at Jeon Heejin, always so professional." Yeojin and Chaewon comment from beside her.
She can only agree.
"You can practically feel the fire.")
^^^
Hyunjin doesn't know what possesses her to pull the girl on top of her, a straddle that is far from platonic. But Heejin doesn't argue, and instead loop her arms around her neck, looking down at her a little too innocently for their position.
They're in Heejin's vocal room this time which only has one seat, Heejin suggested borrowing a chair from Yerim's before Hyunjin confidently places her on her lap.
The chair may very well break, but she's too busy gushing about how her best friend looks so pretty with blonde hair.
"Have you tried the neck?"
Heejin's eyebrows raise at her random question.
"What do you mean?"
"I always wanted to try," her voice gets quieter as she sees how embarrassing and blood-sucking vampirey her question must sound like.
"What?"
"Neck kisses." It was barely audible, but Heejin understands. A teasing chuckles at the latter's flustered cheeks.
She approaches her face, "Do you want to try?"
"I -um, uh, Maybe? I mean- I mean yes." She's turned full red, and Heejin is visibly enjoying her struggle.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay, I'll do it." The girl leans forward, eyebrows curved slightly in determination, distance nearing her ear.
Hyunjin expected some kind of dumb whisper or maybe some awkward sexy talk, not the girl nibbling on the lobe and using the time of Hyunjin gasping to travel down to her jaw.
Hyunjin dies, and the squeeze on her waist gets tighter. She tells herself it's to help Heejin from falling, but at the same time, she feels like she's about to fall.
Heejin seems to enjoy the contact and travel down the skin, soft butterfly kisses precariously placed on her neck.
She feels herself pull the girl closer from her shorts belt loops and concludes that she's not doing this to help the girl from falling anymore.
Shit.
Fuck.
I die.
Hyunjin hears herself whimpering, and it seems to fuel an ambition on the shorter girl. Heejin bites a spot under the ear, nibbling.
The contact makes Hyunjin jolt, making Heejin push away in concern, "Are you okay, I'm sorry, shit. I should have asked if I could first!"
Although she's red as a tomato and she feels like her words will waver, she shakes her head, hand traveling up to caress her cheekbone.
"No, I liked it."
"Liked it?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, okay." Heejin sighs in relief, nuzzling onto her neck. Hyunjin chuckles and holds the girl for a big hug, loving her bigger frame she has as an advantage every time they hug, "You're such an idiot, Kim Hyunjin."
The taller girl ignores her, finding herself staring again.
"Do you..."
"Hmm?"
"Can we..."
"You want to keep doing it?" Heejin smiles up at her, it was mischievous.
"Yeah, that."
"You must have a vampire fetish?"
"No, I don't!" She knows that this is so-called revenge from the younger girl, but she can't help but turn red.
Fortunately, Heejin is nicer and more forgiving than her and decides to just save her from her embarrassment, "Fine, but we're moving to your couch. As much as I like this. I'm scared you'll lose feeling in your legs."
God, today is her funeral.
^^^
Hyunjin hears Heejin's dissatisfied groan when they hit a speed bump again, the girl's head slipping off her shoulder from the movement.
She wakes from her sleepy state to look at her surroundings before falling asleep to the comfort of her shoulder again.
She hears Jiwoo from the opposite side snort.
"Unnie, you're awake?"
"Yeah, I haven't slept." The girl admits, now stretching her limps from the long car ride.
"You guys are cute together."
Hyunjin panics, which she really shouldn't have because it could implicate so much more things. But her brain immediately went to 'Does she know what we have been doing?', 'Did Heejin tell her?', 'What if the managers hear them? He's sitting in the passenger seat in front of them.', 'What if the camera filming them adds this to the video, what would their fans think?'
It must have been visible from her eyes because the older girl chuckles at her expression.
"Calm down, I mean how you always act like toddlers, but whenever one of you isn't looking, the other always stare like she's the most precious person."
"Oh... Yeah, I think we do that." She takes a glance at the girl who she noticed always used her as a pillow in car rides, her mouth slightly ajar as she catches up on her sleep.
She smiles to herself. Because Jiwoo is so right, Heejin is precious.
"You guys have been weirdly close lately."
"We've always been close, unnie."
"I know, but it feels different this time." There's a knowing look on the older girl's face, it makes her gulp.
Did Heejin tell her what has been going on? They do talk a lot.
They often rely a lot on or act juvenile when with Jiwoo, as she was the caring oldest sibling in her family and acted like it, and they were the youngest and also acted like it.
The girl always listened. And Heejin is one of the members who tend to express to the bright girl, so it wouldn't be too far-fetched to say that they've talked about their secret kisses and stuff.
Just the thought makes her turn red.
Jiwoo laughs again and pats her head, "You don't need to overthink it, you two just love each other and don't know how to say it." The older ends the conversation before Hyunjin could reply, taking over her other shoulder as a pillow.
Love each other?
Yeah, they're best friends and they're fond of each other, but she doesn't know if they're to that extent.
Hyunjin feels another bump coming and gently holds on to the duo's head to prevent them from falling.
The filming that day was a barbecue by the campfire which proceeded smoothly from start to finish, the production team now having a last batch of meat before closing up, the smell of beef whiffing through the air.
"Can we eat that?" She points yet again at the brunt meat Jiwoo attempted earlier.
"No way, you're going to get a stomachache." Heejin slaps her hand away, and Jiwoo laughs at the pout on her face, fondling her head like a cat.
"Just a bite."
"You better wait, Kim Hyunjin."
She pouts again and sits back on the chair, deciding to drink the hot cocoa as they wait for one of the producers to finish grilling the meat.
"It's done!" The freshly grilled tenderloin is placed in front of them. The blonde makes a point to pick up one and offer Jiwoo beside her.
She, later on, moves on to Hyunjin.
"No, you slapped my hand."
"Stop being stubborn." She whines.
"Just eat the meat before she drops it." Jiwoo laughs.
"Fine." She swallows sulkily, the blonde satisfied as she watches Hyunjin chew.
She's cute with the way the smile eyes take over her puppy-like face. Hyunjin suddenly had an urge to poke the mole on her cheek, like she did when they were trainees.
She hears Jiwoo droning on how they're always like this to the show's producers, hearing the makeup artist and team leader back up her point. Everyone joking around in the light friendly atmosphere.
But Hyunjin stills finds herself staring.
"Stop staring, it's getting suspicious," Jiwoo whispers hushed, only meant for Hyunjin to hear who jolts, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.
There's a teasing smile on the girl's face who wiggles her eyebrows.
"Uh, what do you- No, what?"
"Hey, Kim Hyunjin." She reacts to the deep voice, flustered, as she still feels a hot gaze behind her back, "Why are you so red?"
"Well, uh... cat. Aeong. Kitty?"
She's malfunctioning.
"Weirdo." The latter shakes her head before shoving a piece of meat in her mouth. Again, looking way too satisfied in her own actions as she turns back to chat with the stylist beside her.
Smooth, Kim Hyunjin. Real smooth.
^^^
The first time someone finds out about their 'thing', it was unceremoniously. Far from calm and collected. Heejin immediately dropped the sweater she was about to sling off the latter under her. Both girls pulling away abruptly from each other that even people who didn't suspect what they were doing would find it suspicious.
"Um." Jinsoul's stunned self stands by the open door, a wonky and guilty smile on her face, "I guess I should have knocked first?"
There was a few seconds of silence before Heejin talks first, "Hi, unnie." Hyunjin still cowering behind her as she attempts to revitalize herself. Keyword: Attempt. She's sweating buckets, not understanding how the other girl could be so calm.
"I just wanted to ask Hyunjin if she wanted to eat dinner with me since I thought everyone else went home." She gestures to the blonde who's straightening her hair after Hyunjin ran her hand through it from their make-out session, "But I guess you can come too since you're here already."
It was awkward, to say the least, but the older tries to bring the atmosphere up, talking about their past activities, future plans for the group and playing her new self-produced music for the girls as they eat.
Hyunjin was always thankful for how talkative she was as it was enough to fill the room and doesn't require much of her reciprocation. Which Heejin is thankfully doing for her now, she watches the way the girl sweeps her hair back to a ponytail in order to not disturb her eating. Imagining how just an hour ago she was showering neck kisses to make up for last time.
Heejin, as always, catches her eyes. Hyunjin flinching when she daps a tissue on her lower lip.
"Eat cleaner, loser."
She could feel Jinsoul's heavy analyzing gaze.
"So, I know I shouldn't pry. But what is this?" She motions over the both of them.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not stupid, what's going on between you two?"
What is going on? Everything runs through Hyunjin's brain, trying to rack up an answer.
She doesn't even know what's happening.
"Well-"
"Friends with benefits!" Hyunjin's sentence comes out half-choked on the food in her mouth, half-airy. She doesn't even know how it came out, just a spur of the moment.
"Oh?"
Hyunjin has the decency to glance at Heejin only to see her nonchalant reaction, as if she didn't just spit out a random answer and they didn't just confess to doing things to their member.
There's a smile on her face as she confirms to Jinsoul that indeed, they are, "Friends with benefits. Right."
The raven-haired girl gives an inquisitive glance at the two before nodding her head slowly, opting to let go of the topic for now.
The three girls enjoy the rest of dinner before heading back to the dorm, the older claiming bathroom time before they could even compete for it. Hyunjin follows Heejin to her room that, fortunately, no one was in yet.
"Where's Vivi unnie?"
"I don't know," Heejin responds as she fixes something on her bed, back turned.
"Lip-unnie and Chaewon?"
"They were on the couch on our way in."
"Oh."
"What is it, Hyunjin?"
"What?"
"Why are you here?"
"Are you mad? Shouldn't I have said 'Friends with benefits'? Sorry, I panicked-" The girl whips around, and for one millisecond, something comes upon her face before it changes back to her usual smile.
"It's okay. I mean, what else can it be?"
"Right." Hyunjin wanted to sigh in relief, but there was still something bothering her.
"Um, I'm sorry?"
The other girl chuckles before approaching her, "Why are you sorry?"
"I don't know."
"You're such an idiot, Kim Hyunjin." Heejin unexpectedly tiptoes to place a gentle peck on the top of her forehead. Hyunjin follows her every movement as if in a haze. "You didn't say anything wrong. I promise."
"Promise?"
"Yes, dumbass."
(Hyunjin returns to her room where Jinsoul was already applying night cream in the mirror, she turned back to the younger girl with a smirk.
"What?"
"So Jeon Heejin, huh?"
"It's not a big deal, unnie."
"You're so dense.")
^^^
Hyunjin stretches her neck as she walks out of her vocal room, spotting some of her members ending practice. Particularly a blonde who was still dancing in front of the mirror, "What's up, loser?"
"Go away."
The hostile response catches Hyunjin off guard, "Hey, are you alright?"
"It's nothing, just leave me alone first." She looks behind to see if any of the other members present in the practice room know what's going on, but to no avail when everyone just shrugged.
Hyunjin approaches Haseul and Jungeun who were already ready to leave, "What's up with her?"
"She's been in a bad mood since practice started."
"Oh."
She watches the girl perfect a move in the mirror, watching every gesture intensely. She knows Heejin is a perfectionist, but not like this.
Hyunjin doesn't even know where to start when she gets like this. Not all days are good days, but there was always Jiwoo unnie or other members who had their own special way to calm her. Hyunjin never knew what to do.
"Maybe you should talk to her?" Haseul suggests.
"You want me to talk-" "You want Hyunjin to talk?" She and Jungeun said at the same time.
The blonde turns to her with a meek smile, "No offense, by the way."
"None taken. I don't know how to do that, unnie." She scratches the back of her head.
"Then don't talk, she doesn't like talking anyway. Just do that Hyunjin thing you do that makes her feel better."
"Hyunjin thing?"
"Oh, the Hyunjin thing, that makes more sense." Jungeun nods and turns back to retrieve her stuff as if the problem is already solved and any of this makes sense. She just stares as the two girls slip on their caps and padded jackets, ready to depart.
"What are you talking about? What Hyunjin thing?"
The leader chuckles at her panic, "You'll figure it out eventually. We're going now, gonna get some dinner before going home."
The two leave her with an encouraging pump of their fist, Hyunjin watches as even the manager leaves the room to time off, reminding the two girls to close up properly since they're the only ones left in the building. Heejin was too focused on perfecting one move to even hear her.
Guess it's time for me to do my Hyunjin thing.
"Heejin?"
No response.
"Heejin?"
"What do you want?!"
Hyunjin feels herself physically flinch, not expecting the burst. Heejin sees her movement and sighs before falling flat on the floor.
Hyunjin took a seat beside her.
"I'm sorry, Hyun. I don't know what's wrong with me today."
She doesn't respond, understanding where the girl is coming from. Choosing this profession is exhausting, you're pushed to work and work to be perfect, and when you're not active, you want to be active. But when you are, you drain the energy from your body, always on the edge of finding yourself trying not to be pushed to hate it. Hyunjin would have lost her mind if it wasn't for the fans or her members.
Don't get her wrong, she loves being an idol. And she wouldn't change the world. But there are occasions when everything is forced, and you just want to live an ordinary life. Even if it's just one day. Be a normal girl.
"Heejin?"
"Hmm?" Hyunjin didn't even realize that the girl's head is already lying on her lap, and her eyes are half-closed as she strokes the crown of her head.
"You want to go to my vocal room?"
There's a scoff that comes out her mouth, "And make out?" It comes out as sarcastic, and Hyunjin tells herself that the blonde must not be in the mood tonight and chooses not to get hurt by her tone.
"No." She smiles gently and tousles her sweaty hair which visibly catches the latter off-guard.
"We'll order takeaway and watch a movie on my laptop like Trainee days."
"Oh."
"Call?"
"Call."
They end up in Haseul's boujee vocal room instead of her barely furnished room, with the sofa bed and wide ass Desktop set up. With granted permission, of course.
Heejin huddles into her side, the two girls just quietly going through the night as a random fantasy movie plays. Hyunjin gobs down the half-sweet half salty popcorn they ordered, despite the latter's protest.
"I'm sorry about earlier." The blonde suddenly says.
"It's okay."
"I really am."
Hyunjin cranes her head down to find the blonde already staring.
"I know, and it's okay."
The girl suddenly springs forward, giving a quick peck that catches her off guard yet she doesn't resist.
"Thank you, Hyun." The girl says when she pulls away. Hyunjin smiled before turning back to the movie.
She feels Heejin watching her this time, and thinks that this is how it feels to be stared at.
"Jeon Heejin, why are you staring at me?"
"I'm just returning the favor."
^^^
"Why are you so happy?" Jungeun asks from beside her as they get their makeup done for a photo shoot.
Hyunjin looks up her phone, "Huh?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"It's just Heejin." She shows Jungeun the video Heejin sent her of a dancing cat, the latter looking unamused.
The make-up artist takes the brush away from her cheek to chuckle, "You two always act like you're dating."
Dating?
"The number of times people have thought wrong when you're texting her."
Hyunjin stares at Heejin beside her, only now realizing how seldom they sit beside each other when traveling on schedules. Hyunjin usually being in a completely different van or the front seat.
She watches Heejin type on her phone and wonders the words from earlier.
'The number of times people have thought wrong when you're texting her.'
Do they do that?
Without another thought, she sends Heejin a text:
- Meow bitch
Watching as Heejin's face contorts from confused to amused, a smile forming on her face, a bright glint behind her eyes.
Oh, there is a smile.
Heejin shoves the phone screen to her face, she says quietly to not wake the other members sleeping from their tiring schedule, "Meow bitch?"
"Um?"
"We're right beside each other too, couldn't you just tell me that in person?"
"Uh." She smiles guiltily, "No?"
Heejin chuckles and lets it go.
^^^
"What the?" Hyejoo steps back before apologizing and then walking away.
Hyunjin pushes away from the wall in a panic, both girls flustered red as Heejin scratches the back of her blonde hair, finding humour in the situation.
"Well shit."
"What do we do?"
Maybe making out in the bathroom hallway is not a good idea. But she supposes Hyejoo catching them is already considered lucky than the others.
The other members would have just been a disaster. Hyejoo doesn't like to pry nor insert herself in situations that don't involve her. —So it is expected that no one knew of the making out even a week later.
Hyunjin steps beside Hyejoo in the lift, both girls seeing each other again in the hospital, which happens way more than it normally should. She makes her way beside the girl, silent until they step out of the building.
"Want to get coffee?"
"Sure."
They walk side by side in more silence. It was comfortable, two girls living together long enough to know that there's no need to talk to be good friends.
But Hyunjin breaks the atmosphere today when they find a seat in the coffee shop, "Hyejoo."
"Hmm?"
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I'm not in any position to say anything."
"Oh."
"Plus," Hyunjin looks up at her, "We always expected it. I just didn't know that was how I was going to find out."
She turns red, "You were expecting it?"
"There's a long list to why we thought you two were already secretly dating behind our backs." It came out quieter, be it, they're still idols who need to be cautious in public. Plus, the cafe owner knows who they are.
"Dating? We're not dating."
"Oh." There's a lot in her expression, but like said earlier, the younger girl doesn't like to pry nor insert herself in situations that don't involve her. So, she keeps it to herself, nodding as she sips her hot latte intensely.
"Do we look like we're dating?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
Fuck.
There is actually a list. Hyunjin finds out.
A list Sooyoung started, opinions by the members. So it makes sense why half of them don't make sense.
- Hyunjin gives Heejin the best parts in the chicken
- Hyunjin ate the whole cake and didn't get killed.
(She was told off pretty harshly though.)
- Their room are littered with each other’s photos
- Heejin brags about her all the time
- They flirt in front of fans
- They bickers like there's no tomorrow
Hyunjin doesn't know why this exist, and what makes half of it relationship-worthy.
"You said you loved me first."
"No, I didn't."
"Hell yeah, you did."
Hyujin squints her eyes at her.
"No way in hell I did."
"You did, back when we were still roommates," Heejin argues back, everyone used enough to their antics to ignore their bantering.
"I don't believe you."
Haseul gets in between them to ease the fight, something she found herself doing since pre-debut.
"You're spreading fake news, Kim Hyunjin."
"It definitely wouldn't be me, unnie." Hyunjin makes a face as she refers to herself, Haseul giggling at the stunned face Heejin makes.
"I swear you two are middle school boys," Jinsoul yells from the waiting room's couch, Yeojin shaking her head with mutual agreement. "Does it really matter who said it first?"
"Hm." Hyunjin scoffs, leaving the topic as she succumbs to sitting on the couch where Yerim already is, deciding to lounge beside the girl distracted by her phone.
"She's squabbling with me."
She feels a friendly pat on her head, "You're fighting her too, unnie."
"You're not even on my side." She hears Choerry giggle at her sullenness.
"Why are we still talking about this, Hyun?" Heejin is clearly aggravated.
But Hyunjin can't admit defeat, no way in hell she can.
"I didn't say I love you first."
"You did! You just don't remember." They're back in the vocal room, specifically Hyunjin's vocal room that sort of became their new hanging spot with the karaoke lights and fan letters on the wall.
"No, you did. You said it to me in the old dorm when we were roommates. I was just about to sleep when you randomly said it."
Heejin groans, also refusing to back down. "I know, but you said it way before."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Prove it."
"You're impossible, Kim Hyunjin." Heejin glares, a half-dangling chicken leg out of her mouth as she threatens the girl with her chopsticks.
"See, you lost."
^^^
They find themselves having cup noodles on the rooftop of their dormitory, it's not romantic nor anything special in particular —Just cup noodles, beer, and fish cake on a stick. But it was private and quiet, advantageous enough to not have any other building taller than theirs, music just playing between them.
It's rarer now, with them going between the dorm and then the company building, schedules, Pilates, beauty salons, music shows. Finding time for peace got scarce.
They're on their second can of beer, Hyunjin already red like anytime she touches any sort of alcohol. As Heejin is still unaffected, buried in her padded coat and nose red from the chilly wind.
She sees a sly smile raise on the blonde's face, "What?"
"You're staring at me."
"Right, you have a stalker fetish."
"I do not have a stalker fetish."
Heejin looks at her finished cup of noodles cautiously, "Hey Hyun."
"Hmm?"
"Have you ever been in love?"
In love?
"I mean I've told you guys and my family 'I love you's."
"Saying I love you and being in love is not the same thing."
"Oh." Everyone has been talking about it lately. She can't even start to picture what it's like.
She doesn't talk for a while, Heejin watching her. There's anticipation in her gaze that makes Hyunjin tilts her head.
"I'm not sure. You?"
The anticipation turns to disappointment. And Hyunjin doesn't know what she said wrong.
"Oh, never mind. Me neither."
^^^
("What do you mean I'm kind of dense?"
"Exactly!" Jinsoul exclaims, Chaewon chuckling beside them.
Hyunjin rarely hangs around them in the living room, but they were given a break, and being the earliest three to come back, it's natural for her to want to spend some time with them.
"Why are you suddenly calling me dense? Because of Heejin?"
"Exactly, dense."
Hyunjin is even more confused now.)
Oh shit.
She is dense.
The epiphany hits her harder like a truck.
She's been in love.
She's in love with her best friend.
Fuck. She likes likes, double like, loves, Jeon Heejin.
She finds out herself when she found them sitting in the waiting room of a music show again, the girl laying on her lap as she nonchalantly uses her phone.
She stares at the girl's moles, tall nose bridge, and laughs to herself when she remembers her bared-face with Harry Potter specs. A massive hoodie on her head that makes her look hairless. Then she thinks about how her naruto running, or that time she tripped over her own foot.
Then it dawns on her/ —At exactly the moment Heejin looks away from her phone to catch her eyes.
Hyunjin notes how there are stars behind her eyes, a glint. Or maybe it's the contacts.
She sees the girl's mouth moving, saying something. But she can't hear it, too distracted by the clogs in her brain working high-speed, pushing all the buttons.
Then it reaches her conclusion.
I'm in love with you.
Of course, Hyunjin knew she felt something. You don't just kiss people if you didn't feel anything. But she expected a crush, maybe even just affection.
But love. Shit.
"Hyun?" The small hand that strokes her cheek snaps her out of it.
She panics, automatically pulling out of the contact.
Heejin watches her, confused, but plays along nonetheless.
"Are you okay? Your brain looks like it's working hard."
Hyunjin sneaks a peek at everyone around them. Suddenly hyper-aware of her surroundings.
She's not supposed to be in love with her. They're celebrities, idols, band members for god's sake. Her feelings will put Heejin's career at stake, and the girl worked too hard for this.
"Kim Hyunjin." The girl's voice is stern now, flicking her forehead.
She jolts.
"Hey, what the hell?"
The blonde shakes her head, "You're such an idiot, Kim Hyunjin."
^^^
Seeking advice, she goes to who she knows would try her hardest to do so.
Choi Yerim.
Yerim was friendly and down to earth, and being the eldest of her family, she tends to talk people through their problems.
Hyunjin always found herself finding the girl for random advice.
"Listen closely." Her face and tone are completely serious, and Yerim is clearly amused at her stress-induced furrowed eyebrows.
"So, Person Red and Person Blue are super close."
"Why are we doing colours? Why not Person A and Person B?"
"Yerim!"
"Or Person 1 and Person 2?"
"Hey!"
"But-"
"Let me continue."
"Fine." The girl shuts up with a sheepish grin.
"Okay, so Person Red and Person Blue are super close-"
"I just keep thinking of Jungeun unnie and Jinsoul unnie-"
"Yerim." Hyunjin sighs, "Fine, Person A and Person B are super close, school best friends until now type of close, and then one day they decided to do things that platonic friends shouldn't be doing."
"Like what?"
"Uh, making out? A little touching?" Hyunjin feels her face fluster.
"Oh, and then?"
"And then, they get caught and Person A is stupid and says it's just friends with benefits. But eventually finds out that damn, she has feelings for Person B all along."
"Then they should tell them."
"No! You see, her feelings may put Person B's career in danger. And she's also terrified of being rejected."
"Oh." Yerim gasps, totally sucked in the story at this point.
"What does she do?"
"Well, it depends. Is there any confirmation that Person B likes Person A?"
"No? I don't know."
Is there?
She knows Heejin treats her a bit more different from the others, but that's because they're best friends, not a conclusive motive as liking someone.
"I think, even if Person A is scared of everything happening, she should still tell her. It'll only harm both parties, that's usually what secrets do when it's kept too long."
Confess.
That's the advice.
Just the word sends chills down her spine.
How can she possibly confess to Jeon Heejin? That'll be ruining everything they built up in the passing years.
"Are we talking about you, unnie?"
"No, we're not!" Yerim chuckles, raising her arms in defense.
^^^
Hyunjin starts being cautious after the revelation.
How could she not?
She knew, them kissing and cuddling was already risky, to begin with. But feelings involved tend to be messy and lead to a deeper downfall.
Heejin is her best friend who worked too hard to be here. They were just playing around. She doesn't deserve this.
Kim Hyunjin is kind of screwed.
She never knew she would fall this hard, but she did, falling straight in a hopeless hole that she's not sure anything will cushion her fall. And hypothetically speaking, she's scared of heights.
No, scratch that, she's scared of potentially everything.
Especially strong aura Jeon Heejin who should reign the world with her idol prowess.
(As you can see, Hyunjin is also very dramatic)
She watched countless romance movies to know that once you see someone different, it's hard to go back to how they normally were. So Hyunjin does what Hyunjin does best —Run away from her feelings.
"I'm tired." Heejin is hurt by the blatant lie.
She's been acting different lately. Even she's aware of it herself.
And Hyunjin could practically feel her powerful gaze from the reflection of the practice room mirror until she rushes to the oldest's side in a corner, trying to nonchalantly ignore the girl as she shuts her eyes for some rest.
Vivi, who was watching from afar gives her a look, that she tries to play off with an awkward smile.
"That was weird?"
"No, it's not."
She takes a glance at the girl going back to playing with the rest of the members, Yeojin and Yerim suddenly betting her on something that she's too Jeon Heejin to refuse.
"Yes, it is."
"No, it's not."
"Maybe a little?"
"Fine, a little." Hyunjin sighs and Kahei smiles warmly like she always does, calm and collected as she rubs the girl's back.
"I guess you found out."
"I found out?"
"Maybe not yet, but you're getting there." Vivi smiles at her gently, looking way too calm and wise for someone just 4 years older than her.
^^^
"Why are you here too?"
Haseul doesn't say in an offensive manner, more a surprised way.
It is unexpected that Hyunjin would be in her vocal room couch, this late at night with Im Yeojin sleeping by her side.
Hyunjin shrugs, knowing that the leader wouldn't kick her out even if she went in without permission.
Haseul doesn't respond until after putting a blanket on the youngest, "I thought only Yeojin would be here, she said she would nap and wait for me to go home." She says as she calmly sits on her computer seat, opening a tab for the music mixer on her desktop.
"I also wanted to sleep, Yeojin gave me space."
Hyunjin is hiding. Knowing full well that Heejin would be finding her when she gets back to the dorm, ready to confront her about her behavior in the past week. Hyunjin is not ready to confess, knowing that she will if the blonde ever pressures her to admit the problem.
"You alright?"
"Panicking a little."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not yet."
"Alright alright, you sleep first then. I'll wake you two up when I finish."
The leader turns to face her, a smile on her face. Not as calm and wise as Vivi's, but warm. And it reminds Hyunjin of the pre-debut days of opening up to her and getting comforted by the elder. She suddenly remembers how mentally unstable she was when Haseul went on hiatus, having no one to reassure her, no one to act like her authority older sister.
She nods, closing her eyes as she feels the older extending the blanket for both of them to share.
"Why are you here?"
"Why can't I?" She questions Chaewon who eyes her, "I heard it was cheap."
Jungeun hums with the enthusiastic Jiwoo beside her, "Yeah, there were coupons on the fridge that were about to expire."
"Why are you here?" Chaewon asks again, the two older ones too busy ordering to hear them. And Hyunjin is starting to consider being offended, but she knew exactly what she's talking about.
Why isn't she with Jeon Heejin who texted their group chats about having to eat alone in the company building, knowing that the message is indirectly intended for Hyunjin who is usually there at this time.
Park Chaewon is clever. Certainly clever enough to figure out that they are acting weird with each other.
But Hyunjin just shrugs, "I just wanted pizza."
"Do you want to order cheeseballs too then?" She's thankful the girl let it go as always.
Hyunjin is not one to be pried open, which is why she appreciates their efforts to not bring up the subject anymore, their conversation moving on to random things and vocal practices.
But walking home, Chaewon ends up beside her while the Jiwoo and Jungeun walk up ahead.
It wasn't as awkward as people said. Of course, the rumors about them not being friends is false, they're just not as close as they are to the others. And there's no problem with that, it makes the moments when they talk or get along a little more special.
"Hey, Kim Hyunjin." She was quiet, hesitant.
"Hmm?"
"Are you and Heejin alright?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, it's just weird not seeing you two together."
Hyunjin nods, not really knowing what to say as she doesn't want to lie, yet doesn't want to reveal everything just yet.
The shorter girl notices, "You don't have to tell me."
"Oh."
"You just look stressed about it lately, and I just wanted to make sure you're okay?" It was very uncharacteristic of her, but Hyunjin can't help but be touched by her concern.
"We'll figure it out, don't worry about me."
^^^
As promised to Yerim, who more or less became her counselor, Hyunjin buys them drinks and pricy rose rice cake to indulge in. The girl even calling her room a cafe now, with the benefit of guests being able to sit on her pink throne-like computer chair. The taller girl offered to fetch the food delivery as she also wanted water.
She pushes the vocal room door open, jumping at the blonde she makes eye contact with.
"Hyun..."
Okay, she should have expected this, their rooms are beside each other.
"I thought you left already."
Right, Hyunjin did tell her earlier that she had already left when the blonde invited her to dinner.
"I came back?"
Unsuspecting of the tension, Yerim yells from her desk, "Unnie, we've been here all night, hurry up! I need food."
Well. Shit.
There's a flash of hurt behind Heejin's eyes.
And Hyunjin feels like shit, not only is she lying and hurting her crush, she's also bypassing Best Friends protocols. And that is not okay.
"Heejin-"
"Is it because we were almost caught by the manager? Are you mad at me?"
They were, the fewer times they were in contact lately, Heejin grabs her for a kiss. It was aggressive, forceful. And Hyunjin doesn't have it in her to push away.
But when the manager knocks on the changing room, Hyunjin pushes her away. Panicking.
She leaves the room first, telling him that she was just helping Heejin zip up her outfit which he obliviously believed, despite there being a zipper in her outfit.
She doesn't talk to the girl, her heart still beating fast every time she makes eye contact with the blonde during their fan meet.
Every much like now, just staring at the girl, tongue-tied, not knowing how to answer.
Defeat takes over the girl's face, everything falling before it becomes an annoyance. Heejin scoffs, "You know what, why am I even trying?" The girl whips around and rushes into her room, the curtain of her door blocking any sort of view to the inside.
Safe to say: She fucked up.
("Yerim, there's a new development."
"Huh?"
"What if Person A fucks up and now person B starts hating her?"
Yerim tilts her head, "Are you 100% sure we're not talking about you?"
"Yes?")
^^^
"Here." Pieces of meat are placed on her plate, "Eat up before it runs out." She looks up to see Sooyoung smiling warmly at her. She almost forgot she was situated in between some of the members.
"Unnie, you'll run out."
"Just eat."
"We told you to take it easy, what would have happened if you hurt yourself at the start of the performance?" Hyunjin hears the CEO scolding Heejin from across the room, which she purposely avoided sitting in. Everyone laughing but thankful she's not severely hurt.
It's been awkward.
Painstakingly awkward.
The two girls haven't spoken since that night. And almost everyone is aware of it.
Hyunjin watches Heejin from afar most of the time, choosing to quietly prepare herself for their performance while the girl also preps herself.
Jungeun approached her fellow blonde, looking her up and down with a worried face, "Why do you look so tired?" The question captures some attention from other members who approach to check on her, Yeojin hugging the fatigued-looking girl.
Hyunjin stands in the side, concerned. Because hell yeah, she doesn't look so good.
"I'm fine." As expected, she shrugs everyone off, but Hyunjin doesn't, can't, stop worrying. Even when they're called to Stand-by.
She sees the moment Heejin trips, it was subtle and kept a secret throughout their part of the show. But Hyunjin notices even the slight wince on her face every time it wasn't her turn, and the deteriorating conditionsof her leg the more their performances continue.
She kept glancing over to the girl to catch her eyes but failed to as Heejin was too focused on putting on a good show. Only giving in to the pain when they're off stage and she falls on their way back to their dressing room. She remembers everyone panicking, kneeling to assist her pain.
Hyunjin was stuck behind the 11 members and frantic managers, feeling herself want to faint when she sees the purple bruise after taking off her boots and socks.
She wants to comfort her, but can't find herself to shove past the crowd. She doesn't know how to approach her, especially after everything that happened.
She did try. —Getting close enough to ask, "Hey, are you alright?"
"Yeah." The answer was dry, the coldest reply Hyunjin ever received from her.
And it was enough confirmation that she was not yet welcomed. So she left, for now, letting the others comfort the girl.
"Are you two still not in speak-terms?" The dance leader beside her asks. Sooyoung's voice was barely above a whisper, but Hyunjin is already frantically looking if their stylist heard. Thankfully, they didn't.
"I did something bad."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"It's been two weeks."
"Maybe a little bad. But nothing that can't be fixed with the Hyunjin thing."
There it is again.
What the hell is the Hyunjin thing.
She physically groans, "I still have no idea what you're all talking about."
"Go find out then." The older girl nudges her to look at the now-vacant seat of Heejin.
And she doesn't even think twice before standing to find the girl, who was unexpectedly leaning back on the bathroom corridor wall with her eyes closed.
"Heejin?"
They snap open. "Oh, hey, am I blocking the toilet?"
Hyunjin catches her arm before she could move away.
"Are you alright?"
"I already told everyone I'm fine." It's clear that she's getting frustrated.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Thinking."
"Follow me?" Hyunjin suddenly asks which catches the girl off guard, she's shocked when Heejin quietly nods and follows her to the rooftop.
It was a breath of fresh air from food infested smell downstairs, Hyunjin inhaling the air as she preps herself.
I think I wanna tell her.
Yerim said that keeping her secret will just end up hurting them both. And Hyunjin believes that Yerim knows more than she does.
She finds herself staring again, and only finds Heejin's gaze get overwhelming, the yellow tint from other buildings reflecting on her skin, like taking a picture in a filtered camera. Sentimental and beautiful.
"How do you know this place?"
"I over-ate last time and needed to get a breath of air." She responds as she leans on the railing, rubbing her clammy hands.
She has to do it. —Hyunjin knows she has to, even if the girl doesn't feel the same.
"Heejin-"
"Why did you bring me here?"
"Huh?" Hyunjin turns to meet her eyes which were turned away.
"What is this, Hyunjin?"
"I wanted to say sorry-"
The girl clicks her tongue. Hyunjin is confused and offended by the action.
"Excuse me-"
"You're always like this, Hyun."
"Like what?"
"You're apologizing again! Do you even what for?!"
"Yes!"
"Do you?! Is it because you lied to me? Or because you started giving me cold shoulders for no reason? Or because you're playing with me?"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Hyunjin feels her voice raise, every nerve ready to confess suddenly agitated.
"Playing, Hyunjin! Leading me on! Why are you confusing me so much?!" The girl turns in her front to fight back.
"Why would I be leading you on?!"
"Because I've been in love with you for 3 years!"
Oh?
Ohh.
"I've started liking you since that night I was fake sleeping and you played with my hair before going to your bed, you said 'I love you and everything just changed."
Wait, what?
"And you know what? I was ready to let it all go until that kiss, that gave me hope. For fuck sakes." Heejin's eyes are teary, and she's furiously wiping away them away.
“I felt like shit because I feel like I ruined the performance, but you approach me and then I feel better. Why am I always like this?” Hyunjin finds herse wanting to wipe them for her, but no monocule in her body is willing to move, paralyzed from the various emotions running through her body, "Fuck, shit. I'm sorry. It's not your fault I like you." The girl hiccups, struggling to catch her breath.
"Heejin, I-"
"No, don't."
She whips around and runs.
Hyunjin regrets not saying anything, because yet again, she fucked up. Really Really bad. Especially when she finally dared to run after her only to find out that the manager is already driving her back to the dormitory because she didn't feel well.
"Can't I talk to her?" Hyunjin asks Jiwoo who was lying in the top bunk.
"She's still not ready." The girl plops her head out to respond.
"She likes me, unnie." She confesses honestly as she slings her arm over her face. Of course, Jiwoo knew, there's no possible way she wouldn't. She didn't spend hours talking to Heejin who locked herself in the bedroom for nothing. Hyunjin just had to awkwardly and anxiously wait outside, apologizing to her three roommates for being the reason they're not in their room. They reassure her that it's no big deal.
She bites on her nails as she waits, not even calming down when Haseul gives a supportive hug.
She should have said something. Shit.
By the time Jiwoo leaves, Hyunjin almost jumps off the couch, ready to talk to her, her side of a confession etched on her brain, reciting the words over and over again.
I love you. I'm in love with you. Sorry, it took me so long. Sorry for everything. I'm stupid-
Jiwoo halts her with a guilty smile, "She's asleep already."
"Oh."
Haseul pulls her away to the kitchen before she could do anything, sitting her down with a cup of tea she didn't even know was being steep.
And then, Hyunjin just breaks down. Confessing everything to her unnie, how they've been mingling around, how she developed feelings, how she pushed away, finding out Heejin liked her. It was overwhelming, and she feels tears of her own fall, not even caring if the members in the living room hears her. The leader just supportively rubs her shoulder, listening closely to every word.
The girl ushers her to her bedroom when she's calmed down, reassuring her that it'll all be alright and she'll find a way tomorrow.
"She likes me. And I like her too, but I didn't know how to say it."
She hears Jiwoo give a light chuckle, "I know. You were both obvious."
"Oh. What do I do?"
"Confess?"
"But being together is risking everything."
"I know, but you should make the decision together instead of you trying to take all the pain."
^^^
"Jeon Heejin!"
Hyunjin slept past her bedtime because of sleeping super late the previous night, and by the time she woke up, Jungeun said that Heejin had already left.
She rushes to the building after a quick shower, wishing to catch her there. Getting a little pep talk from the Marceline and Princess Bubblegum duo first.
("Yerim, what if Person B suddenly says that she's been in love with Person A for 3 years, and it turns out that Person A was just being clueless and selfish and hurting Person B?" Hyunjin burst into Yerim's vocal room.
Jumping a little when she makes eye contact with Hyejoo beside her.
"Oh hey, Hyejoo." The girl looks confused with the Person A and Person B dynamic story.
Yerim excitedly informs her, "Hyunjin unnie is helping her friends get together!"
"Oh, so unnie is not Person A?" She asks sarcastically which goes over the bright brunette's head.
"No?" Hyunjin smiles meekly, knowing that Hyejoo pieced the puzzle together and caught her anyway.
"Right, okay okay." She slowly nods, "Then Person A should tell Person B that she likes her too.")
I have to confess.
She spots the girl in her vocal room, running over immediately before she could run away again.
"Jeon Heejin." She says again, holding her two arms to keep her situated.
"Hyunjin. I'm sorry for yesterday-"
"I'm stupid. I'm sorry- I don't know- Shit, I- Fuck, Heejin, you're right, I am an idiot."
Hyunjin is not really good with confrontations.
So she kisses her. Deeply.
Heejin's back hits the wall, lips clinging on to hers with desperation that Hyunjin wonders why she never knew about her best friend's mutual feelings. The blonde pulls her close, hands bundled in her shirt tightly as she bites on her bottom lip. Hyunjin's fingers ran up her top, tracing along her waistline.
The latter suddenly pushes her away. The situation seemingly registered in her system.
"Wait no-" Hyunjin kisses her again.
"This is not what I want-" And again.
"Hyunjin." Before she can press down again, Heejin holds her back.
Hyunjin is heavy breathing, the excitement of her feeling being reciprocated sending tingles all over her body that she can't think straight. Her heart beating uncontrollably in her chest making it physically hurt.
"Hyun?" Heejin notices her distress and rubs her back to try to calm her down.
"Hey," She caresses her cheeks, pushing away the stray hair from her face. Eyes blanketed in concern. "Breathe, Hyunjin."
She tries to. She really does. But the next words leave her mouth restlessly. —"I fucking like you back, Jeon Heejin."
She's restless again, fingers itching to do something, everything overwhelming her too much that Heejin has to pull her on the floor, directing her labored breathes.
"Fuck, I love you- I fucked up I'm sorry- I am- no, I don't know."
"Shh."
"Heejin."
"Yeah?"
"I'm panicking."
The blonde calmly sits beside her, thumb tracing on the hands she holds together.
Hyunjin can't help but lean her head on her shoulder, comforted by just her warmth and presence.
"Fuck Heejin, I like you so much. I'm so stupid."
"You do?"
"Yes!" She bounces back, trying to make eye contact with the girl to show her sincerity. "I should have said something, but I was having a mental breakdown, and then you were gone. I tried talking to you when I got home, But Jiwoo unnie was already inside and I-"
The girl spontaneously gives a peck on her forehead, effectively shutting her up.
"You're such an Idiot, Kim Hyunjin." There's a smile on her face, her eyes still red and puffy from the crying, but at least she's smiling.
"I thought you hated me."
"Why would I hate you?"
"Because I'm stupid and avoided you. You liked me already, you must have been so confused."
"I was, I was annoyed that you were talking to everyone but me. It was like they all knew a secret about you that I didn't. It was frustrating."
"I know, but I can make up for it."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
(Sooyoung screams.
With the loud noise, every member flocks to Hyunjin's vocal room to witness the reason for her commotion.
"Cover Yeojin's eyes!"
Hyunjin rolls her eyes as Heejin tiredly turns to the people eyeing them, "We weren't even doing anything."
"She's on top of you."”
Jinsoul muttering, "They should start locking their door."
"We said take a 5 minute break! Not make out."
"We weren't doing anything."
It's true that all Heejin was doing is sitting on her lap, the two girl too exhausted from rehearsals to even do anything.
"Wait, Is Heejin unnie really Person B?" Yerim asks from the back, the dark haired girl beside her smacking her shoulder, "I told you they were!")
END.