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"What if, that day, I choose another answer, wouldn't it have come to something other than this..."
- Where is Eren ? Asked suddenly Mikasa, cutting off the passionate debate between Major Hanji an Mrs Kiyomi. No one,expect her, seemed to have notice the absence of the young man. An old fear took immediately place under her chest, as every time that Eren disappeared, even if she began to get used to it. She simply got up and went over the exit of the little room, saying :
- I go looking for him.
On those words she hurry left the room, hearing vaguely others mumbled they should go find Eren too.
She went outside of the building. The city of Liberio was giant, and 100 years more modern than everything that the young Ackerman had always known inside the Walls, in a nutshell, she was completely lost.
When they arrived by a boat, disguised as Marleyan citizens, while everyone was discovering the new world with enthusiasm, Eren had remained silent, looking at the horizon, seems lost in his thoughts. Even when Armin, their best friend, had talked about their dream of seeing the external world, that finally became real, he had barely reacted...
Mikasa thought that Eren should be more comfortable than her in this city, due to his father's memories, and actually she needs more to find him than the opposite... She shook her head to get rid of that reflexions, doesn't matters, it was safer to find him in anyway. She took a deep breath, and chose a street, decided to follow her instinct. No matter if it come from her Ackerman's blood or just her feelings for Eren after all these years spent together, her instinct bring her back to him.
She finally found him after few minutes, aloof from buildings and houses. He was standing with his back to her, motionless, staring at a kind of campsite, tents was spreading by dozens, enlighten from the inside, projecting shadows dues to the surrounding night.
Mikasa stared at Eren a moment, in a mix of relief of seing him safe, and a new kind of worries which grown in her. The lasts passed years, the Eren that she known had considerably changed, she had already noticed it when they saw the sea for the first time. They all were staring at the giant expanse of water, completely marveled by this legend become reality. But not Eren, even if he had dreamt about it out loud so many times, he just stared at it, with an infinit sorrow in his eyes. A look that has never left him since that moment... One could permanently read an indescribable torment on his face, he was always staying away from others, even from his friends , and always seemed lost very deep in his thoughts. Mikasa had even difficulties to remember the last time that she saw him smile, and it missed to her so much.
She approached of him, he surely heard her, she chose a rational speaking :
- Eren. You do realize that you're our enemies' most wanted target don't you...? We've all been running around looking for you...
She stopped when she heard him sniffle and wipe of something on his face. She got closer to him, even more worried. Eren keept his eyes looking in front of him, his cheek slightly wet. Mikasa followed his looking, he was staring at a young dark skinned boy who hug an old man who seemed to be his family.
- The boy from the market ? Did something happen ? Asked Mikasa still worried, recognizing the boy that they helped earlier.
- ....Not yet. Answered Eren as an evidence, the young girl answered him by a look. She simply respond :
- What do you mean ? Where are we ?
- Where these people live after losing their homes to war. Explained Eren with an emotionless voice, his looks still staring at the tents.
Mikasa didn't know how to respond, she saddly look at the campsite too.
The silence settled between them, as often, the young girl can't found what to say, she knew Eren for so long, but he was such a different man recently that she would be more ease with a stranger. However, she was dying of desire to talk to him, that he confide in her, that he talks about what was tormenting him so much... But she was like blocked...
That's him who suddenly broke the silence :
- Mikasa...
He looked at her for the first time since the beginning of their interaction, his big teal eyes was reflecting such a sorrow that the young girl felt her heart tear in her chest.
- Why is it ...That you care so much about me ...?
Mikasa stayed speechless few seconds, surprised, she only stuttered :
- H-huh w-what ?
- Is it because I saved you when you were a kid ? Or is it... because I'm family... ? he attempted to clarify, without stopping looking at her.
- Huh ? I-I... it's... Stuttered Mikasa incapable of better, she completely not understood what he want of her, everything was suddenly confused in her mind and her heart which beating so loud in her chest ruined the hope of make order in it.
Without stopping looking at her in the eyes a second, Eren added :
- What... Am I to you ?
Mikasa literally felt her heart stopped, her cheeks was burning while she desperately searching what to responds. How can she put words on what he is to her ? Which words could explain what does she felt ? She was barely breathing and her hands was shaking, in the panic of the situation she stammered :
- Y-you're... My...f-family...
The silence fell. The two big teal Eren's eyes was still fixing her, as if they tried to search her mind. He finally blinked and turn his head, with a kind of disappointment.
Mikasa was holding her breath; staring at him; thinking about her words...
"Family" really ?
She hesitated, then took a deep breath and added with a tiny voice :
- No... actually...
He turned his head again to her, with an asking look, almost surprised.
Mikasa took all the courage that she had, looked him right in the eyes and said :
- You are ... So much more than that actually... you're...
Nothing was moving. The few voices who came from the tents moments before were silent, the tiny breeze was no more, stopping agitating the trees. Time looked frozen, the night, immobile. Only a butterfly, with white wings, almost translucent, was flying between the two people.
Mikasa was holding her breath, Eren was so close but so far at the same time, as if an invisible wall was separating them. But, the young girl was absolutely sure of something : any wall could ever stop them. She claimed with a stronger voice :
- You are ... Absolutely everything for me. I don't know how to say it differently.
Eren was staring at her with a strange surprise, as if he didn't expected those words.
When she talked, the young girl has had the indescribable sensation of breaking something, like someone who would be locked up in a statue and would broke the stone shell around him. But Eren stayed distant, he only said with a neutral voice :
- Explain.
The young girl blushed and couldn't keep herself to look away, how could she describe the incredibly complicated maze of her emotion ?
- That's not just because you saved me, you know... Even if I owe you a debt since that day... No Eren I ... She clumsily tried to explain. I... I just wanna stay by your side... Because you're... you.
She looked up to him again, he looked like... surprised, very very surprised... He turn his head away, staring around them, seemed completely lost. She thought hear him mumble "How is it possible...". Mikasa frowned and immediately asked :
- Eren ? What are you worrying about ?
He looked at her as if he just remembered she was here, he shook his head a little and said :
- Nothing important.
He make a pause then whispered :
- Thank you... To had the courage of telling me that...
The young girl almost gasped, Is he really did a step in her direction ? Or it was only politeness ? No, she really felt a breach in the shell of muteness of her friend. And she just had to jump in it.
- Don't thanks me... We should... Talking more together, I think...
He stared at her with a questioning look but didn't respond, she resumed :
- Eren, I'm worring about you... I know that you are surely use to it, but you're really worrying me... Lately you always seems so desperate... I don't even recognize you...
The concerned one heaved a deep sigh which had such melancholia inside that it torn again Mikasa's heart. While he was going to respond, she cut him :
- Yes, I know, situation is at the lowest... And I'm pretty sure that you're carrying a weight on your shoulders so much heavier than any of us...
- You can't imagine. He stopped her, like to discourage the young girl to go further in this conversation. But she didn't let herself be impressed and responded :
- But you're not alone. That's why we're here, me, Armin, the others, you don't have to carry it alone...
- Yes I have ! shouted Eren, clenching his fists. Not this time. You can't underst-
- I know we can't understand ! Mikasa cut him again, with all assurance she was capable of. I know we can't imagine what you live, imagine what you feel ! But it don't change the fact that we're here for you !
She make a pause, then with a softer and a little bit hesitating voice she added :
- You are not alone... facing the world...
Eren suddlenly clenched his fist, so strong that his joints whitened, his jaw tightening, he articulated with a devouring rage but still contained :
- And if I had to be ?
He had closed his eyes a second, when opened its and he looked at the young girl ; its was burning of a terrifying anger, but she immediately saw that behind that anger he was drowned of despair.
- What do you mean ? She stammered, terrified at the idea that he close himself and go back to being as silent as a wall. He seemed to be at the edge of breaking but he heaved a deep sigh and seemed repress that anger that was devouring him just before.
- Mikasa... It's possible that things that we would like to do, are not the things that have to be done to stop all of this.
Eren had spoken with an empty voice, like he was speaking automatically.
- I-I don't understand... Stuttered Mikasa for who those words didn't make any sense, the young man sighed and turned his look away, she corrected herself immediately :
- But it doesn't matters if I don't understand ! I do not have to understand to support you ... To ease even a little bit the burden that you're carrying...
During she talked, the young woman was getting closer to him, and with a shy move, she took his hand in hers and pressed it softly. She added :
- I'm afraid if you continue to carry this alone, you'll finish to lose your head...
Curiously, those words made him smile, he even laughed a little bit and responded with bitterness:
- No yet, don't worry.
Mikasa's heart skipped a beat when she saw him smile, however she starred at him, incapable of understand what he had found funny in her words. He seemed to notice her trouble, because he added immediately :
- Forget it.
The silence settled again between them. Mikasa can't realized that she had seen Eren smile, even if it was brief. Few seconds pasted, she feverishly asked :
- Why... Why are you so devoted to save that world ...? I've understood that you're disposed to die for it now or later, you've always been. But why you...
The voice of the young girl has gradually cracked during she talked about what she scared her the most. The young man took a moment to respond, but he finished to say with a resigned voice :
- Because it has to be done. Someone have to take that responsibility. If I don't do it, who's gonna do it ? So I have to. Or the same mistakes are going to be repeated again and again....
He wasn't looking at her anymore, he was staring at the horizon, his eyes wide open, and curiously clouded. While a tear slipped out of his eye and rolled down on his cheek.
Mikasa stared at him a second, before she wiped his tears with her thumb. She said in a breath :
- Eren... I beg you, don't go where I can't follow...
He heaved a deep sigh again.
- I still don't understand why do you still cling to an hopeless case like me... He evasively responded. It was to Mikasa to sigh.
- I already said to you I ... I know I can look like obsessional and possessive but... I just don't know how to make you understand, how much you're important to me...
Her hand grabbed instinctively the spot where she used to wear her scarf, she had to leave it home because of their mission. She liked to hug that scarf when she needed to calm down, but because she didn't have it, her hands shivered even more.
- If I'm such attached to you, it's because I fucking love you ! Is it clear enough for you now ?
She said it. She didn't move, shivering, afraid of his reaction.
- Y-you're loving me ? He repeated stupidly
She sighed and took a few moments to respond :
- Do you really think that if I'm spending all that energy to protect you, it's just by moral obligation because you saved me ? Or because I'm afraid of been haunted by Carla's ghost ? Eren, to save you, I would save the world. I love you.
Her voice wanted to be sarcastic, but it overflowed of tenderness despite her. They was completely face to face now, the world around had like completely disappeared, even for Eren it seemed. He answered very low :
- I don't know ... I... Thought you assigned yourself that responsibility... With the history of the Ackerman's clan ... I...
He seemed confused, he was facing the young girl but while he talked, his look was losing in the vague, he didn't really look at her. He had seemed so calm and self-controlled, since the beginning of their talk, he was suddenly agitated by multiple emotions. He was repeating :
- I'm sorry, so sorry. I am so sorry...
Mikasa looked at him a little bit distraught, she was expecting everything, except that reaction. But God knows what was happening in Eren's mind sometimes...
Suddenly, the few inches between them, became insupportable to her. After everything she said to him tonight, she didn't support being away from him anymore. She hesitated a second, then seeing such a turmoil on his face, she abruptly crossed the space between them, and took him in her arms :
- Stop apologizing, not matter what's that for, I forgive you. She whispered, her eyes closed. She was expecting being pushed away, Eren stayed unmoving few moments, but quite unexpectedly he finished by hug her back.
- I 'm such an idiot, Mikasa... He murmured. I was thinking that... That you felt like obligated to protect me because of ... That for you I was just a token... Whereas, on my side, I dedicated my heart to you... I'm loving you so much that I'm torn apart...
The young girl was astonished, but she smiled against him while a tear rolled down on her cheek.
- You suicidal idiot... She whispered, her voice full of an infinite tenderness.
The sensation of distance she felt before was completely gone, as if the invisible wall that was separating them, was now crushed down to their feet. Mikasa had closed her eyes, savoring this moment like suspended in time, dreaming about it last for eternity.
Suddenly , in the frozen night, she felt a cold drop fell on her hand, then another, then another, come with a familiar sound... The two people detached from each other, and looked at the sky.
- Is it raining ? But the sky was blue all the day... Mikasa commented on, while drops of rains intensifies on their heads. Eren was staring at the sky too, he simply took her hand and said :
- Come, don't stay here, we're gonna be soaked.
Before, he led her away from the campsite, under a large tree whose foliage was protecting partially from the rain. The young girl shivered, the temperature had rapidly fallen because of the tiny frozen drops which crossed her clothes. Eren seemed to noticed it, because he wrapped his harms around her shoulders to warm her. She softly blushed but let herself savoring that contact. She caught his eyes and contemplated more than ever those two beautiful teal oceans, which was looking at her at the same way. She held her breath, then, by an hesitating move, she softly put her lips on his. He immediately responded by kissing her back. She felt like an incredibly heavy weight which was suffocating her, just disappeared and let her breathed again. Her heart was beating on the rhythm of a serenity she never known before. Time was suspended fixing that peaceful moment.
They finished by split up, short-winded, but still in the harms of each other.
- I believe that the storm is far from over... Whispered Mikasa, looking at the rain, while thunder was resonating in the distance.
- Yeah, it will go on for a while... Sighed Eren, he split up of Mikasa and go sit down against the tree where they was under. He signaled her to come next to him. The young girl shyly approached, and sat by his side. She gently lied her head on his shoulder and nestled against him.
A butterfly, with white wings, almost translucent, landed next to her, and then flew again.
" If you really have to sacrifice everything to stop this, Eren, I beg you, let me at least stay by your side until the very end..." She thought, closing her eyes, savoring that incredibly peaceful moment. She knew that when she will open its, time will flow again.
- I love you... She only murmured, while she felt tiredness overwhelmed her. He smiled and kissed her on the forehead , he whispered:
- I'm so sorry.
- What are you talking about ? She feebly asked. Sleep was taking her, she only heard him respond :
- Nothing. You'll see.
Mikasa vaguely wondered what did he mean by that, but her clouded mind didn't had the energy to thinking, she fell asleep nestled against Eren, more peaceful than she never been.
"What if, that day, I choose another answer, wouldn't it really have come to something other than this...? "