Chapter Text
The feeling of love, coming unexpected at the wrong time. Forbidden feeling which demands sacrifice of repudiation or blood.
Then all I was left with is remorse. For being in love. For not loving enough. For being happy. For not being happy enough.
Sometimes I lie in the dark silence of the night, listening to the humming of her calm breathing, and I'm scared.
I’m scared that my heart will never find peace in this life.
*****
"I'm completely exhausted," Liu Ran wailed falling on the bed.
"Qiniang, be careful! Your dress," admonished her Baili Hongyi, barely taking his eyes off the text he was reading.
The scroll was really interesting. The local artisan chief did a thorough and detailed study of the differences in the wood. Useful.
"Erlang, you really listened to me before!" the woman smiled broadly. "But it's not like that. My dresses are wrinkled from packing them in trunks anyway. Once they stretch out a little, we pack them up again and they wrinkle again."
Baili Hongyi said nothing, lost in reading.
"Erlang!" Liu Ran squeaked reproachfully, getting up and sitting on the bed. "What I meant is.. we've been traveling for quite a long time. Over two years, right?"
"Two years, seven months and a week," the man replied, unwinding another piece of the scroll.
The woman gasped, half angrily, half laughing.
"Really?" she placed her hand on her forehead in a theatrical gesture.
Baili Hongyi finally looked away from the text, carefully folded the paper, and placed it on the table. He walked over to the bed, sat down and looked at her seriously.
"You've been talking about those dresses since we left Sizhou. I ordered changes to the way the cart was packed so that it wouldn't crumple so much. It's not about the dresses, is it? Qiniang.." he took her hand and gently laced their fingers together. "Do you want to go back? Back to Luoyang?"
"Erlang," Liu Ran clenched her hand tightly in his, gaining courage to expel the truth, "Sometimes I think.. that I'm tired of this.. Maybe we really should come back.."
Baili Hongyi was silent for a long moment, his face showing signs of the struggle within.
"All right," he said finally, smiling softly.
However, as Liu Ran hugged his shoulder that evening, instead of joy or a sense of victory, she felt a strange unease.
Hongyi kissed her goodnight as fondly as he did every night, but instead of bantering before falling asleep, as they had been in the habit for some time, her taunts echoed the silence.
Erlang was not happy.
And she had long ago decided that she would do anything to make him happy.
At first, the trip seemed like a good idea and she agreed quickly. They visited a lot of places. Cities, villages, farms. They ate in dozens of restaurants, and it turned out that her husband's fame as a culinary critic went far beyond Luoyang. Erlang was in his element, constantly busy. However, he always remembered to look for the best beauty shop for her and a place with the most beautiful dresses.
Maybe that's why the dresses started to wrinkle, there is so many in our luggage already, Liu Ran thought with a smile.
Erlang also remembered to visit a Buddhist monastery in every possible place, because he knew she needed it. At one point, she began praying for settling down.
And that's what happened. She and Hongyi lived for more than a year with the elders of the Baili family in a house near Caizhou.
It was a quiet time. Erlang ordered the renovation of the run-down manor house, and this work consumed him completely. And Liu Ran spent her days with older aunt Baili tending the garden and crocheting. She felt really calm.
It was there that Erlang kissed her for the first time. Gently and a bit shyly. The memory of this kiss in the idyllic scenery of a garden immersed in the light of the setting sun, Liu Ran kept at the bottom of her heart as the most precious treasure. Then, in the evening, he kissed her again, more courageously. And from then on, he never stopped kissing her every day before going to bed.
As for sharing a bed, they had to get used to it quite quickly. The taverns often lacked rooms, so taking one room instead of two was a necessity. And it just stayed that way. The initial akwardness was replaced by a feeling of habit. As if sharing a room and bed were something obvious in their relationship. It was no different at home in Caizhou.
Liu Ran’s life became simple but happy. Calm.
Until one day when Hongyi came and said it was high time to get back on the road. Again there were inns, taverns, uncomfortable beds and wrinkled dresses. But there was also a man who kissed her and held her in his arms every night. Everything seemed to be right.
They finally stopped in Yangzhou, a city where one could almost feel the sea breeze and where Liu Ran's extended family lived. They spent over half a year there. Aunt Liu who ran the house was a strict and noisy person. Liu Ran knew Erlang didn't like it, but he never said a single word. He just tended to run away. There were many craftsmen in Yangzhou who specialized in wood, especially cedar, and Erlang spent a lot of time discussing pros and cons, utility and other things that Liu Ran had no idea. She attended these meetings with him, but usually in the middle of them she got bored and sneaked out stealthily. Instead of uninteresting speeches she preferred Yangzhou’s gardens with floating lilies and moss-covered fountains. At that time, she felt very lonely even if Yunzhi was always with her.
Siyue would have been delighted to see those lilies, Liu Ran thought with heartache.
She missed home.
And they probably would have stayed in Caizhou longer if it weren't for her aunt who made some indiscreet remark about having children, and a few days later they were on their way again. Erlang was in a better mood and even joked a bit on the go. Liu Ran pretended everything was fine until they got to Sizhou.
There was an old storyteller at the inn who was telling stories from Luoyang. Tales of the Empress and the beauty of the capital. About the people who was bathing in the Luoyang lights.
Later Liu Ran saw children running down the street. Dragon kites were flying in their hands, and they were laughing and fooling around. Then she suddenly felt that life on the road was not for her. She felt empty.
Then she decided enough was enough.
***
"What are you thinking?" Liu Ran asked her husband carefully.
They were driving for the second hour in complete silence, and the tension between them was getting more and more tiring.
It was now clear that Erlang was not happy.
Although he wasn’t showing it, the deaths of those close to him left scars. Wounds that healed, but still hurt at times. Like when someone mentioned Luoyang.
She should have remembered that.
"Nothing," he replied, lifting the curtain and pretending that he was suddenly interested in something that was happening on the road.
"You don't want to come back, do you?" she said, ignoring his attempt to dispose of her "You can tell me that, I won't be mad, Erlang!"
He said nothing.
"Let's not go then," the woman replied firmly.
Baili Hongyi took his eyes off the road and stared at her, clearly surprised.
"No?" he asked.
"No," she replied even more confidently. "I am really tired of traveling, but I'd rather travel than watch how unhappy you are."
The man took her hand without saying a word and squeezed it gently. There was a sense of relief on his face.
"Why don't we go somewhere else instead?", Liu Ran cheerfully offered, "A part of my family lives near Bian. I haven't seen them in years, but I’m sure that they would be happy to host us."
"Bian?" Hongyi asked with a little hesitation.
Well, Bian was closer to Luoyang than Yangzhou or Caizhou. For a moment, Liu Ran was afraid her husband would refuse.
"Okay," he said though, smiling.
It was decided then.
***
The air was warm and humid, heavy. It smelled like storm that have just passed, wet earth and plants. The tamped road gleamed in the light of the early afternoon sun.
Their carriage stopped in front of a large gate.
"Strange," said Liu Ran when she noticed that the leafs of the gate were not closed properly. "Why is my uncle so careless?"
The house was elegant and large, stretched over a wide space. There were many tasteful, richly carved buildings and in the distance they could see the outlines of a beautiful garden.. The smell of rain-wet peonies was stunning.
On one of the terraces, leaning heavily against the railing, stood a short, gentle-faced elderly man. When he saw them entering, his eyes widened with amazement and happiness.
"Ah-Ran!" he shouted and waved vigorously.
"Sanshu!" the woman laughed and ran up to the man, only to drown in his broad arms. "You look good!"
"You too, my dear, you too," said the man in a trembling voice, wiping away a tear that appeared somewhere in the corner of his eye, "Let me have a look at you! But you've changed! Such a big girl! We haven't seen each other for too long.."
"It's true," admitted Liu Ran sadly, "But uncle, please, let me introduce my husband!" she said proudly.
Only now did the older man take his sparkling eyes away from the woman and moved them on to the man who was standing next to her.
"I am Liu Ran’s uncle, my name is Chang Lei"
"Baili Hongyi”, the other said with the bow.
"Oh, enough of courtesy," laughed the uncle and smiled friendly to them both. "Come on, come on, we'll serve dinner now! You must be exhausted and dream about a decent meal. It's good that you let us know in advance that you are coming! "
Liu Ran hugged his shoulder tenderly.
"Gate," recalled Baili Hongyi.
The woman nodded to her husband gratefully.
"Sanshu, your gate is not closed properly, what happened?"
"Ah, yes, indeed..", the man rolled his eyes, „What a mess..”
He called a servant and told him to check it out..
"Let's go eat, I'll tell you everything," he added, seeing the woman's questioning gaze.
***
"A matchmaker?!" Liu Ran almost choked on her food.
"A matchmaker," confirmed her uncle. "Why are you surprised, honey? Ah-Que is eighteen, it's about time!"
Liu Ran glanced surreptitiously at her husband to see if those words evoked unpleasant memories, but saw nothing unusual. Erlang was completely concentrated on his meal and didn't seem interested in their conversation.
"And.. Did she.. Did she agree?" Liu Ran asked, astonished.
"Oh, so you remember?" the uncle laughed bitterly. "She is against, of course..”
For the first time, Baili Hongyi looked up from, by the way a very good, fish soup. The matter of being against marriage seemed to interest him. It did not go unnoticed by his wife.
"Erlang, you must know that my little cousin has always laughed at marriage," explained Liu Ran. "She used to joke that when she grew up she would become a monk. And what about that matchmaker, Sanshu?", she turned back to her uncle.
The older man sighed heavily.
"That woman left. She was furious that we wasted her time and she probably won't visit us soon. Your cousin didn't even show up, can you imagine it?" groaned Chang Lei. "We looked for her everywhere, but to no avail. She's so troublesome, that girl.."
"Don't worry too much, Sanshu," Liu Ran put her hand gently on his forearm. "If you want, I'll talk to her, I'll try to explain.."
"You're such a good kid, darling," said her uncle with emotion. "Sure, it's worth to try. Although you know how stubborn she is.. But enough about me! I want to know what are you doing here? Why are you out of Luoyang?"
It took them an hour and a half to talk about what had happened before they left.
***
"I very much regret not being able to attend your wedding," said Chang Lei.
After the meal was over, he decided to show them the rooms they would be occupying. They were just walking down an avenue lined with white pebbles along the garden. The approaching evening intensified the scent of peony and jasmine.
"Don't think about it, Sanshu," Liu Ran smiled reassuringly. "I hope we would be present at Ah-Que's wedding instead."
"May you be right..." her uncle sighed again, not sounding much cheerful. "Ah-Que!!" he shouted suddenly so loud that Liu Ran and Baili Hongyi almost jumped in surprise.
A dozen paces away from them, the silhouette of a girl emerged from behind a lush wisteria bush. When the girl realized she was not alone, she changed direction in attempt to disappear immediately.
"Don't even think about it!" Chang Lei shouted again. "Ah-Que, please come here now! We have guests!"
The girl stopped, clearly hesitating, but then straightened and smoothed her dress. She turned and then slowly walked over to them.
The girl was very thin and petite. Large, dark, beautiful eyes were clearly visible on her tiny face. The dark brown hair was pinned up, but not as high and fancy as was customary. A part of her hair fell freely to her back and face, as if the girl had been running around somewhere before. And it probably was, because her purple gown was half wet from the rain.
"Honey, what's this? Your appearance..", uncle said in a broken voice. "Look who's here! It's Liu Ran! With her husband!"
Hearing the word "husband," the girl stared intently at Baili Hongyi's face for a moment, a scornful expression in her eyes. Then she looked at Liu Ran and smiled warmly which lit up her entire face.
"Ah-Ran," she whispered happily.
Liu Ran ran up and threw her arms around the girl’s neck, then gave her a tight hug.
"You've grown up, little bird!" Liu Ran said with emotion, and the girl hit her shoulder lightly, her eyes smiling.
"And you haven't changed at all," the girl said ironically, but her broad smile contradicted the dry tone of her voice.
"Come on, I’ll introduce you," Liu Ran pulled her slightly towards the men. "Erlang, this is my little cousin. A-Que, this is my husband." she added with her eyes glowing, as always when her mouth could pronounce the word. She never ceased to burst with pride that this wonderful man had become her husband.
"Baili Hongyi," he bowed.
"Liu Maque", the girl replied politely, bowing.
"Maque?.." Baili Hongyi said as if to himself, but accidentally loud enough for others to hear.
The girl looked up at him and sparks of anger appeared in her eyes. She stood petrified for a few moments, then bowed again and walked away briskly, ignoring the screams of her uncle.
"Erlang.." groaned Liu Ran.