Chapter Text
It had been five years since that rainy evening in Brooklyn.
Four since Steve had last heard about Tony. “He is miserable, Steve" was the last thing Pepper ever said to him. It would be unbearable to know Tony was doing better than him, even though that is what he wished for. That’s what he wanted the most, for Tony to be happy. Some nights, before falling asleep, he found himself picturing Tony's perfect life. He would be crafting away at his lab, half hunched over scrap metal he'd use for god knows what, drinking coffee from on of the nine something cups he has on him. He would have someone by his side, someone who reminds him to take a break, someone who pushes his hair away from his face so he can focus, someone who reminds him to eat. Someone better than Steve.
It was ugly, the way they ended. They were young and immature, Tony wanted to be loved intensely, Steve didn’t know how to love like that. Steve was composed, simple, stable. Tony was an erupting volcano, an activated grenade. They thought they’d figure a way out, compensate, become so entangled in each other's lives that they were intangible and their core differences didn't matter anymore; but ultimately, they just weren’t made for each other.
They'd become strangers a long time ago.
“What will you do when you meet me again?” Tony had asked, wiping his tears with the back of his sleeve, packing his bags with all the traces of him that were still in Steve’s house.
Steve had remained silent.
Tony had laughed, his voice choking with tears. A laugh that cut the wind, it was so sharp, so dry. “Reckon I won't be the best of your past would I?” he'd paused. "Will the memory of me be one of those that you want to so desperately erase from your mind?"
“The worst of them.” Steve had whispered.
No nightmare was like Tony in Steve’s life.
So present, so painful.
It seemed like everything had moved on. His friends had gotten married, some moved out, others even had kids. Steve was stuck in time. The grim mornings turned into months, years, the clock was gradually slowing down for him .
His work as an architect paid the bills, his free time was devoted to boxing, sometimes he would go to the bar with some friends, emptiness swallowing him from the inside out. If god existed, maybe Steve was everything he hated the most. Perhaps that was why his life was so miserable.
To make matters worse, autumn was just around the corner, and that meant Bucky’s wedding was coming up.
This reminded him of three things:
1) He didn’t have any good suits to wear.
2) The wedding was in another state.
3) Tony will be at the wedding.
He was actually happy that the longest-standing friend he had was getting married, to say the least. He had been friends with Bucky ever since they were kids, Sam showed up a few years later, and somehow everyone around them knew that at some point they would get married. They were one of those couples disgustingly in love for years, and everything was perfect for them. Marriage was not the finish line for them.
Maybe it was a matter of comfort, but being out of town, unconcerned about the tiring work and not being stuck in his own loneliness was really what Steve needed. He wasn’t the biggest fan of weddings but he could damn well deal with one if it’s his best friend’s. So, he packed his bags, bought a suit, booked a ticket, and set off to the wedding venue.
Bucky had hugged him for an eternity upon his arrival. Steve had missed him, missed the comfort of having a friend. He inhaled the first crisp air of autumn.
Bucky signals to the security guard, “He’s going to take your suitcase to one of the rooms, let’s go see Sam he’s been dying to see you! We’ve all been missing you so much!”
The place was a large farm, rented for the wedding. Most people lived nearby, so only the closest friends would be staying there. It’s a deserved weekend, Steve thought.
Bucky was brighter than ever, and Steve was thrilled to see him, to see all of his friends. It was a mix of nostalgia and a bittersweet taste of living away from them all. Away from Nat, Clint, Bruce, Thor… There was no one left close to him. Being with everyone else again was as overwhelming as it was a constant reminder that he was the only one left behind, working in the administration of an underpaying office.
“Okay everyone!” Nat said, clapping her hands to grab their attention, “We can talk more at the ceremony, now you all need to get ready.”
After getting the key to his own room, Steve took the time to examine the place, the decoration full of flowers, and small décor pieces resembling boats were placed everywhere. It was a nice lookback to when they both realized that they had feelings for each other. Steve thought it was cheekily cute.
But the universe didn’t bother to send a signal before Steve entered the room he was handed the key to, and found a second suitcase beside his own. Too familiar to be true, too full of memories to give him time to understand what was going on before he sees the bathroom door open and Tony walks out.
Steve is sure god hates him.
“So that’s why they were forcing me to stay in the room,” Tony mutters. “What is this? A one bed trope or something?”
Steve remains silent, processing everything he’s seeing. Tony, with long wavy strands in a man-bun, some hair falling over his shoulder, red makeup, glossy lips. A black suit over a silk shirt. Tony. Damn Tony Stark, pretty as fuck Tony Stark, right in front of him. He could swear his legs felt weak and that no scenario he ever thought of was like this. In a locked room in the woods, an hour before his best friends’ wedding. He had figured he would see his ex among other people, just like any other stranger there. He had thought of confronting Tony only when he was drunk at the party, too out of his mind to care. Not here, not now, definitely not under these circumstances.
Still, he is silent. That loud silence that they both knew very well.
“Tony.” Steve’s voice is almost trembling, he hasn’t said that name out loud in years.
Tony smiles when he hears Steve say his name. “So… did I become one of your memories?”
Steve can’t answer that. He suddenly has a lump in his throat, and has to will himself not to cry. No words other than those of resentment cross his mind. No feelings other than uneasiness settle in his heart. The urge he has to tell the other man that he is the memory he smiles to every night as if they were still in love is excruciating.
“I…” I’m going to ask to switch rooms, is what he wants to say, but before he can finish his sentence, their cell phones beep with a message.
From: Nat
I’m assuming you’ve already met. No other rooms available. Sort your shit out for the night. It’s a happy day, and it will stay that way.
xx
Steve is sure that sleeping outside on the dew-soaked grass would be better than this.
“Can I use the bathroom? I need to shower.” Steve says finally. He was definitely planning on taking longer than necessary in the shower just to avoid any shallow and awkward conversations.
“Yeah, sure.” Tony steps aside.
When the water falls on Steve’s skin, it doesn’t feel comforting. He wonders if Tony is as stunned as he himself is. But one thing he has to remind himself is that it’s not Tony from four years ago who’s on the other side of the door. Tony’s not his anymore.
He puts on the suit he had bought, dark blue suede with black edges, a white shirt underneath. Blond hair perfectly slicked back, styled with a tiny strand falling over his forehead. For his face he kept it simple; he never learned how to do his own makeup, funny enough to say now, because Tony was the one who had done his makeup for every event they went to together. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop the thoughts that crashed like giant waves on rocks from pouring down on him. He wasn’t in control of the memories that had been locked away for so long anymore.
When he opened the door, Tony was sitting gracefully in the armchair in the corner of the room. Legs crossed as he fiddled with his cell phone without paying much attention.
Steve stands in front of the large mirror to finish the last details of his outfit, but mostly to avoid facing Tony.
“How are you?” Tony asks, and for the first time since he arrived in the room, Steve hears hesitation in the way he speaks.
He wasn’t expecting that question, though.
“I’ve been doing well. Working and living.” Steve answers automatically, it wasn’t the first time he’s lied about his well being. “How about you?” he asks, even though he doesn’t want to know the truth.
“Eh, I’m fine.” He says, but then digs deeper, “I’ve been busy in the lab.”
Good, one of the things Steve had predicted about him.
“I made a butler robot” Tony pauses, Steve doesn’t need to look at him to understand he’s contemplating what else to say. “An A.I. too.”
Stop. Steve thinks. Stop proving to me that your life is exactly as I pictured all this time. Just stop.
“I’ve been single all these years.” Tony mumbles the last part. All these years. As if it were a century, not just four.
Steve finally glares at Tony, “Why are you telling me all this?”
“I don’t want us to be complete strangers for today.” Tony averts his gaze from Steve after a moment. He feels his skin burn under the stare of the other, “It’s been a quite long time.’’
Steve smiles, but it’s lifeless, “Tony, we are strangers. No fun fact about your life is going to change that now.”
Tony stands up, “Steve, please acknowledge that I am trying to make it less uncomfortable.”
“Don’t.” Steve almost manages to disguise his choked voice. “Stop trying. There’s no more room to ‘try’.”
There’s a knock on the door.
“Yeah?” Steve says, clearing his throat.
Clint informs them that the ceremony is starting soon.
When they take their seats, side by side despite there being other seats around, all their friends blatantly stare at them. Nat makes a motion as if to ask if everything is okay, and Steve feels like dying. Nothing about this is okay, except that his best friend is walking down the aisle, and for a few minutes he forgets that Tony is on his side. But it’s impossible to completely forget because the breeze that hits Tony’s hair caresses Steve’s nose with a familiar scent from years ago, it makes him dizzy.
“Sam Wilson” Bucky says into the mic, “When we first met I was just a sophomore whose whole life revolved around cars. We ran after each other for a long time, and we didn’t get tired when we finally reached each other. Instead, you made me want to live longer, to sing more, to enjoy life, to be a better person. I love you, more than anything. Thank you for taking me as your husband here, in front of all the people who matter most to us.”
A tear runs down Tony’s cheeks, almost invisible, just enough to get Steve’s attention. Bucky’s words lingered in his mind as he watched Tony, a tightness in his chest that took his concentration off everything that was happening. How can it be that thinking about Tony motivates him to get out of bed in the morning while also making him cry himself to sleep at night? And like the pain he’s been feeling for so long, it’s chronic. He can’t let go.