Chapter Text
tired.
you were so, so tired.
being the fallback for the one person you loved more than anyone else was so.. tiring.
for years, it's been just that. you watch him fall deeply in love with a girl. one of your friends. michelle.
'you couldn't blame him', you thought. she was so pretty. so entrancing. she could have you wrapped around her finger with just a smile if she really wanted to. she did with sid, anyway.
and sid seemed to not want anyone else but her. he made that very apparent. so you didn't say anything. didn't do anything. you just continued to be the good friend he saw you as.
it hurt, but at least it wasn't burning any bridges, right?
so you'd be there for him while he stayed blissfully unaware of your admiring stare; the way your eyes would study him so intently when you knew he wasn't paying attention. or the way you were always a consistent in his life. sid saw you as good of a friend as tony- though if he was honest with himself, he favored you just a bit more. though you gave him the harsh truth that he didn't want to always hear, you weren't cruel like tony. he knew you were gentle with him. you were kind to him, even sometimes when he was aware he knew he was being an asshole. he had some suspicions of your intentions, but you never made any moves. so he never questioned it too much.
you were a good friend in his eyes.
ouch.
your other friends, however, were much more questionable than he was. they were nosy teenagers, just as much as you were, really. you first brushed them off, scoffing at the accusations they threw your way. and some were easy to fuck off when you did, mostly the guys. they honestly couldn't give two about who you fancied, especially if it didn't have anything to do with them. but the girls, jal and michelle, weren't pleased by how you dodged the subject when they brought it up. same went for tony, though he honestly couldn't give a shit that you were into his best friend- they all knew better. they saw right through you, and you knew they did.
you kept denying it, though, as if it would eventually make you lose feelings for sid. it never did.
if anything, it just made you think of him more. at first, their constant pestering did make you question yourself; you fancied a boy that didn't seem to have any romantic interest in you, his hygiene was.... debatable, he basically treated you the same way he treated tony.
but part of you made you outweigh those things with sid's better aspects: he was always as consistent as you were for him- or at least tried to be, he was funny, he was sweet, comforting, genuine... he cherished you. maybe his good aspects weren't in the kind of light you wanted them to be in, but they could be. someday, maybe.
your phone vibrated on your nightstand, and you inhaled deeply before picking up the small flip-phone. a small frown appeared on your lips when the call wasn't sid, but instead jal. brushing off the hint of disappointment, you answered the phone.
"..hello?" you said, your voice still slightly groggy from only waking up a few minutes prior.
"(y/n)? are you seriously still in bed?" jal asked, her tone reminiscent to a disappointed mother.
"it's saturday, jal. i deserve to sleep in," you tell her, "what do you need?"
"well, i need you to be up in like, 20 minutes. we're going to chelle's house,"
you groan, "20 minutes?"
"yup, i'm already on my way. better hurry up,"
jal hangs up the phone before you can say anything else, forcing you to abide by her wishes. slowly but surely, you were able to get dressed and ready for the day before jal arrived. she came not long after you got finished, taking a quick glance at your outfit before giving you a small smile.
you both made your way to michelle's house, jal filling you in on drama you missed out on the night before while you were helping sid with a history assignment.
"you really do fancy him, don't you?" she asks. you went to continue your pattern of denying the obvious, but jal continued to speak, "you can keep denying it, but c'mon (y/n). you can't tell me you're doing all of this because 'he's your best friend'. tony doesn't do this much for him. i don't do that much for michelle."
"jal.." you didn't want to have this conversation this early in the morning.
jal put her hand on your shoulder, surprising you, "(y/n)." she stared into your eyes intently, as if she was sifting through your thoughts, "i'm not going to judge you. sure it's sid, but... you can tell me. i wouldn't tell anyone else, i swear. i promise, really,"
you glanced at her hand and carefully brushed it off of your shoulder, "i don't like sid, jal. it really isn't like that,"
"you're such a liar." she mumbled.
you said nothing.
you and jal continued to have normal conversations until you finally made it to michelle's house. you rang the doorbell as the two of you waited for michelle to answer the door.
unfortunately, malcolm answered the door instead.
"is michelle here?" jal asked bluntly.
"no. she's at her boyfriend's house- tom, tone, whatever the fuck the twat's name is,"
jal walked off the porch, leaving you to spare malcolm a quick smile as you followed jal to tony's now. luckily tony's place wasn't too far from michelle's, so your already tired legs wouldn't be walking for too much longer.
this time when you rung the doorbell, effy answered. she shuffled to the side, giving you and jal room to walk inside.
"is michelle here?" jal asks effy.
effy nods as the undeniable sound of bed springs is heard from the floor above. jal makes a noise of disgust as she walks off into the living room. you smile at effy and recieve a smile back as you also make your way into the living room.
jal is already sitting on the couch, arms crossed with a look of loathing for the couple upstairs on her face. you sit next to her and say nothing, only resting your head on her shoulder. you close your eyes and feel yourself drift off. you almost get to sleep again, but your phone buzzing in your back pocket halts you.
you sigh as you reach for your phone, your head still resting on jal's shoulder. your eyes widen for a moment as you see sid's name on the small screen, quickly sitting up and answering the call.
"hey sid, what's up?" you ask.
"(y/n)," you smiled at the way your name fell from his lips, "what're you up to right now?"
"i'm at tony's right now with jal. we're waiting for him and michelle to finish..."
"yeah, i know," you could hear his grimace through the phone, "well, um.. i'll come over to tony's then, yeah?"
you smiled again, "sounds great. hurry up though, jal and i are getting pretty sick of the-"
"be there soon!" sid hangs up the phone.
"what is with all of you cutting me off over the phone?" you ask aloud.
jal smiles a bit at your comment, then shakes her head, "you are such a liar."
"what?" you ask.
"even when you're just talking to him over the phone!" she exclaims.
you plant a hand on your face, "jal, really?"
"tell me what you want, (y/n), but i can see right through you."
you sigh and lean back into her, turning your head and making eye contact with effy. she's sitting on the floor, and you suppose she's probably been there the whole time.
'is it that obvious?' you mouth to her.
effy smirks a bit and nods slowly; if anyone knew your feelings for sure, it was her. you knew she wouldn't tell anyone, she didn't have the need to. you guessed that was one of the reasons you enjoyed effy's company when you got it.
you let out a small huff as you stared at the ceiling, tuning out the sound banging of a bedframe hitting the wall, along with your friends' moans. gross.
eventually the doorbell rings again, and effy leaves to come back moments later, sid trailing behind her.
"hey, sid," you say nonchalantly as he raises his eyebrows at you, taking the spot next to you.
you hear jal and sid begin to have a conversation but you don't care enough to listen in, instead adjusting your position on the couch. your head was now on jal's lap as your legs were sprawled out over sid's.
everyone in the living room seemed to notice that the creaking had finally stopped upstairs, signaling the end of our waiting. you sat up a bit, getting ready to leave, but then froze as you all heard the haunting noises of tony's bed creaking once more.
jal groaned loudly, "for fucks sakes, let's go somewhere else. i'd rather not sit here and listen to my friend get dicked down again," she snapped.
"'s fine with me," sid mumbled as he sat up in his spot, waiting for you to take your legs off of his lap.
you nod a bit, getting up so the others could as well, "where do you guys want to go?" you asked.
"the park or some place, i couldn't give a shit anymore." jal grumbles, already making her way to the door.
sid followed silently as you looked at effy, "wanna come with?" she looked up at you and shook her head, "well take care then, effy."
she smiled at you as you gave her a final wave, walking out of the house. when you caught up with your two friends, you saw jal angrily pressing the small buttons on her flip-phone while sid awkwardly walked beside her. he managed a quick smile at you when you began walking in between the two, asking sid about his school work.
"did you work on any of it when i was gone?" you ask him.
sid pursed his lips a bit, already giving you the answer, "i tried to, but... i got-"
"side-tracked, got it," you've heard the excuse a million times over.
"it's not my fault! you actually force me to pay attention when you're around,"
you felt jal's eyes on you for a few moments, "whatever you say, sid,"
you all took seats on the warm grass, sid pulling out a handmade cigarette, most likely from chris. you watched as he put the cigarette up to his lips, lighting it while holding it up with his lips.
"so uhm," you stopped your staring, "do either of you know if anyone's having a party tonight? chris maybe?"
"chris, yeah," sid replies, "his mom went out of town; gave him like a grand. he's gonna use it to have this huge ass party,"
"how do you know that?" you ask him.
sid shrugs, "i was at his house earlier today with maxxie." you nod in silence. he takes one more hit of his cigarette before holding it out towards you.
you take the cigarette out of his hands, taking a long hit from it. you hand it to jal as you feel the warmth of the smoke in your mouth. you exhale the smoke, some of it coming out of your nostrils. for a while you take turns handing the cigarette around, and you can't help but watch as sid takes another hit, slightly parting his lips to let the smoke escape from his mouth. he was so attractive in a way you could never fully explain; there was just something so hypnotizing to him. over time, everything about him just seemed perfect in your eyes. maybe that wasn't a good thing, but... could you care at this point?
...not really.
eventually, anwar and maxxie approached you guys, encouraging all of you to go out to eat or get drinks. it was only midday, so you all decided to just get food at a nearby bar. you sat and ate with the group in a small booth, engaging in conversation with everyone. as you were replying to anwar about him 'getting some' at chris's party, your phone buzzed once, making you check your pocket.
'you are a liar!! come on (y/n)!' a text from jal. you looked up at her with a small snare as she stared back at you. you hit her foot with yours, receiving a small 'hey!' from her.
you all stayed in the bar as the sun began to set, still listening to the conversations of sex from anwar, along with other topics mostly regarding chris's party.
"do you think michelle will go?" sid asks jal, making your insides churn a bit with jealousy.
you couldn't hate michelle for sid's feelings, nor could you hate sid for them. michelle was such a good friend, albeit very blunt sometimes, but she had no control over the situation. you couldn't be mad at her for existing, although sometimes you may have honestly wanted to. it wasn't her fault the boy you fancied wanted her. so you could never really be mad.
you couldn't be mad at sid either; not only did he unknowingly make you putty in his hands, but he loved michelle. you knew it, he knew it, she knew it; hell, everyone knew it. even her own fucking boyfriend, sid's best friend, knew that sid wanted her. you just wished that he could get rid of his tunnel vision.
you saw a similar situation to yours play out with an acquaintance of yours; cassie. she was such a sweetheart, and at one point was set up by tony and michelle to take sid's virginity. at the time it ripped you apart, but you coped with part of the three ounces sid got for the party you were all at.
though to your happiness, and sid's dismay, nothing ended up happening between them. instead, you and your friends stole a car to rush cassie to the hospital while chris fucked a french woman in the backseat. the trip ended up being a false alarm, so you drove to the park— only for the car, the weed, and the two lovebirds in the backseat to get fully submerged in the nearby canal.
fun day, if you were honest with yourself.
cassie had avidly pursued sid for a week or two after this, as she had told you first hand. you used to hold back any selfish feelings you had as she would go on and on about him, never forgetting to mention how lovely he was. you never let it get to you, and you internally celebrated once cassie eventually gave up.
it was sad, though. you knew you two were in the same boat. the only difference was cassie had the confidence to make the moves you had only imagined playing out in your head.
you couldn't help but feel bad for her; cassie really did try. she would've been kind to him. but of course, michelle came first. she always came first for sid.
"are you gonna eat the rest of that?" sid asks from beside you, pointing at your fries.
you silently pushed the plate towards him, not cutting your gaze from the wooden grain texture of the booth's table. you see him pick a few fries off of your plate while doing a double take in your direction.
"uhh.. are you alright?" he asks you, leaning slightly into you.
you finally tear your gaze from the table, feeling a small wave of emotions hit you as you meet sid's deep brown eyes.
you muster a half-assed smile, something he does often, and respond, "yeah, i'm good,"
he studies your face for a moment, "are you sure?"
"yyyup." you reply, popping the 'p'.
sid goes silent for a few seconds, "...okay."
you go back to listening in on the different conversations around the table, sometimes jumping in with your own input or snarky comment. after a while, you started to wonder when the hell you guys were going to leave for the party.
and as if maxxie had read your mind, he skootches out of his seat, "alright, i think it's time we go and get fucked up, yeah?"
grins lit up everybody's faces as you all quickly shuffled out of the booth, stopping to pay for your food. once you exited the bar, the brisk air nipped at your face, making you lightly shiver. the walk to chris' was quiet and honestly sort of awkward, so you decided to pull out your earbuds. you inserted the headphone jack into your flip-phone, and played one of your favorite songs; when you sleep by my bloody valentine. you listened to it often-- it gave you an out of body type of feeling. plus, you related to the lyrics heavily.
the buildings in the streets became more and more recognizable, meaning you were close to chris' place. it was only a block's worth of walking before you all finally made it to his house; a blue hue emitting from the main window and loud, suppressed music from within. you took an uneasy glance at everyone before taking your earbuds off, stuffing your things in your pocket.
you walked into the house behind jal, immediately being hit with the smell of weed. you slightly scrunched your face for a moment as you continued in, noticing that you barely recognized anyone at the party. you followed closely behind jal, who held your hand once she realized you were fairly uncomfortable.
eventually anwar spotted chris in the crowd of people, and chris let out a loud 'ayeeeee!' as he approached you all. his large, iconic smile made the stress slightly fade.
"(y/n)!" chris walks up to you and gives you a hug, wrapping his arms around your frame.
you laugh at chris and hug him back, but pull away after a few moments as you feel something poke you near your lower half.
"jesus, chris!" you exclaim in surprise, feeling your face get warm.
he pulls away quickly, making maxxie and anwar start to laugh profusely, "he took a shit ton of viagra pills!" anwar explains, still in the process of laughing his ass off.
"of course he did," you mumble, chris letting out a small 'hey!', "do you know if there are any rotations? i can smell it,"
"uhh..." chris scans the room, pointing towards a small group of people with a small joint in one's hand.
"thanks, dude," you thank chris and smile at the rest of your friends as you walk off into the sea of partiers.
with your group of your friends, it wasn't much of a surprise that you weren't very abstinent or sober at all. you didn't drink too often, but you didn't mind weed of any kind. you didn't mind at all.
you didn't recognize anyone in the rotation circle, but you didn't care too much. it made you slightly anxious at first, but you were very easily calmed by the joint and how chill the people were, whether it be because of their high or even your own. it was nice.
you were sitting on the floor, holding yourself up with your arms slightly behind you as the girl next to you replaced the spent joint with a new one. she pulled it out of a ziplock bag as you watched intently. she noticed this and smiled at you, holding the joint out towards you.
you glanced down at the joint and back up at the girl, the pieces clicking in your head of what she wanted from you. you leaned towards her, taking the joint and holding it between your lips as she lit it for you. you inhaled deeply as you passed the joint to her, inhaling the smoke a bit more before you exhaled softly, smoke spilling through your mouth and your nose.
the girl gave you another sweet smile, making you feel safe. she had dark, curly brunette hair and hazel eyes. you smiled back before you let your muscles relax a bit, closing your eyes as the party music blared in your ears.
when you opened your eyes again, the blunt was almost yours again; about three people away from you. you turned to the girl again and poked her shoulder, making her turn her head towards you with a small 'hmm?'.
"uhm, i was wondering if you had any edibles? i'll pay for them, of course," you ask her politely, feeling almost flustered by her stare.
she giggles slightly and nods, "yeah, i do. you don't have to pay me, though," her voice is comforting and soft, and you notice that her look is very kind and docile, "it's on me."
"a-are you sure? i mean, i have the money,-"
she places a wrapped up brownie in your hand from her 'goodie bag', leaning in and kissing you on the corner of your lips in the process. your face was incredibly hot now, probably both from your high and the move made on you by the pretty girl in front of you.
you smile sheepishly at her and thank her, and she assures it's no worries, "just don't eat it all in one go, or else you'll be high for days." she informs you.
you take the joint from the other person beside you and take a hit from it, passing it to her and blowing out smoke as you spoke, "are you a dealer or?"
she responds with a confident 'mhm' as you nod in acknowledgment, "do you want my cell? i wouldn't mind serving you if it meant seeing you again sometime," she says to you with lidded eyes.
"uh- yeah, sure- that'd,, be great." the girl giggles at your shyness once more as she scribbles on a piece of rolling paper. she really had everything in that ziploc baggie.
she handed the small paper to you, and you looked down to read it-- 'fae <3' her name is written below it.
"you have a pretty name," you blurt, making her smile even wider, "i'm uhm- i'm (y/n), by the way,"
"well, you have a pretty name too, (y/n)." your name came out of her lips as smooth as butter.
your mind was in a haze, and you were completely entranced by the girl in front of you. you couldn't exactly place how you felt about her-- she made you feel something so different. you've never felt like this with anyone, not even sid. you weren't sure if it was romantic or not, or if it might've just been the weed.
you talked with fae for a while, still in the rotation. she was so interesting; she had told you a couple of stories of herself and a few of her friends and you listened to every word you were able to take in. you took a bite of the brownie she had given you, wondering how strong it would hit you.
as you and fae were laughing off a story you told her about tony embarrassing sid at the beach a year or two ago, you felt a hand grab your shoulder-- jal.
you turned to jal, "what's up?" you question, honestly not wanting to leave fae behind.
"it's sid," she replies, "he was trying to get numbers from girls who are black out drunk, and now he's upset,"
"why? because of the number thing?"
"no- he wouldn't tell me but i have a feeling it was a michelle thing."
you sigh, "okay, i'll be there in a sec," jal walks off as you face fae, "i'm sorry for cutting this so short."
"it's alright," she says in a calm tone, "is sid your boyfriend?"
"oh-! no, no, no, he's just- he's just a friend of mine." you swallow.
she hums, "i see. well i won't keep you here," fae leans in and gives you a soft peck on your cheek, "well i'll see you around (y/n), yeah?"
you nod frantically, "yes, yeah, definitely," you smile at her, "goodbye, fae."
"see you around, (y/n)."
you fold fae's number into your flip phone so you wouldn't lose it, giving her one last wave as you sat up and walked away from the rotation circle, brownie bag in hand.
though your surroundings felt hazy, you could still discern certain things and walk around to try and find sid. you slid through dozens of people in chris' house, finally stumbling upon sid and jal.
you approach them and jal immediately cups your ear, "i think you have to deal with this personally with him, he won't tell me anything," she whispers.
"did he drink at all?" you quietly ask her.
her hand turns from side to side, indicating he was probably either tipsy or fairly drunk. you nod and turn to sid himself, and pity sinks in your chest. he looked disheveled-- his hair was more scrunched and knotted than usual, he was wearing a different shirt from when you got to the party, his eyes were slightly lidded with the look of dismay behind them, and his form was slightly hunched forward.
michelle.
you sigh a bit before you call out sid's name, grabbing his attention. he still looked disappointed and upset, but he obliged when you told him to take your hand and follow you. his hand was warm and slightly clammy, but you didn't really pay attention. you were more focused on finding a room that wasn't being used for sex.
you finally settled on chris' mom's room, which was clean and organized; a complete 180 to the rest of the house. you locked the door behind you just so no one would potentially barge in.
"okay, come on," you mumble as you help sid to one side of the bed, "lie on your side,"
sid lightly groaned as he followed your directions, making himself comfortable. you took a small garbage can and brought it to his side, letting him know it's there before getting in bed next to him.
you were both laying on top of the covers, facing each other; though there was a decent amount of distance between you two. his face was scrunched up in discomfort, and his glasses were slipping off of his face.
"is it okay if i take your glasses off?" you ask, earning a slow nod from him, "i'm just going to let you know now that i am fried as shit, but i'm still gonna try to listen as much as i can," you explain as you gently take his glasses off of his eyes, placing them on the nightstand on your side.
sid harshly exhaled from his nose, his eyes closed, "michelle showed me her tits,"
ouch.
putting your feelings aside, you question him, "why is that bad?"
"i mean.. 's not, but," his eyebrows furrow, "it wasn't the way i'd want to see them, you know? it was only to prove tony wrong- he was in the fuckin room for fucks sakes!"
you wince a bit, "yikes..."
you didn't know what to say to him. that couple is such an inconvenience for both of you, for different reasons of course. you wanted to comfort him, but the situation was iffy. what could you say?
"i just-.. what am i supposed to do, (y/n)?" sid asks you. you notice his voice begin to falter, "i want her so badly and she's... she's with tony. and it feels like shit."
you sigh, "i'm sorry sid. i know how much it hurts." you definitely knew how it felt.
"then what the fuck am i supposed to do?" he asks you desperately.
"try to move on, i guess," you mumble, though you suppose you don't even take your own advice, "michelle isn't the only girl in the world, sid. i know it may feel like it, but.. this isn't healthy."
sid fell silent, staring into your eyes emotionlessly.
you continue, "you're a good guy, sid. you can be very.. very questionable, but i know you're a good guy. don't let one girl make you question that forever."
you watched as sid studied your face, taking in your words. he was so pretty. you sat in a strange silence for some time, still laying on your side and facing him.
"..(y/n)?" he asks.
"sid?"
"why do you stay? 'nd listen to my bullshit?"
you stayed quiet for a few moments in thought, ".. i care about you, sid. you're very important to me," you admitted.
"how?"
"well, you've been there for me. you help me when i can't help myself- so i try to do the same for you." you slightly smile at him.
sid's eyes seem to study your face more intently now. you were confused, but didn't comment on it.
"(y/n)?"
"yeah?"
"do you really fancy me? like jal says?" sid asks you.
the question catches you off gaurd, making you freeze up, "uhm.." you contemplated on telling sid the truth, unsure how he would handle your answer. with hesitance, you confess, ".. i do. i- i have, i mean."
his eyes slightly widen, "for how long?" he quietly inquires, and you notice him shift slightly closer towards you.
you gulp a bit, feeling a slight hint of regret pool in your stomach, "...years." you whisper, feeling the air between the two of you begin to get thinner.
"why didn't you tell me?"
"i knew you liked michelle. i know you like michelle. i didn't want to put all of that on- on..." sid's face is so close to yours now, only a few inches away.
you could feel the warmth of his breath, the slow, alcohol-ridden breaths that caressed your face. you swallowed sharply, your mind and heart racing with countless thoughts that you couldn't keep track of. you didn't know what to do.
he drove you fucking crazy.
"sid.." you whisper, glancing down at his lips for only a moment.
that was all it took for his lips to crash onto yours. his warm, chapped lips pressed so desperately into your own, turning your heart into jelly. you kissed back, closing your eyes as you became intoxicated with this new feeling; reciprocated love.
except-- it wasn't.
and you knew it wasn't.
as much as you wanted to continue, you pulled away from him. his lidded eyes stared at you for a moment and sid tried to kiss you again, only this time you stopped him.
"what? what's wrong?" sid mutters.
"i.. we can't do this, sid." you tell him honestly.
"why?"
"sid, you like michelle."
he cupped your cheek, "no i don't, (y/n). i like you."
as much as you wanted to give into him, you refused, not wanting to deal with the heartbreak of him sobering up.
"stop it, sid," you told him, your voice filled with hurt. you gently took his hand off of your face, "you don't mean that. you're drunk. you're drunk, and you're going to regret kissing me in the morning."
"(y/n).."
"i hope you mean what you say, but.. this isn't fair. not this. not right now. i'm sorry, sid." your heart ached as you spoke.
he went silent for a while.
you almost thought you weren't going to get a response for the rest of the night, but he finally spoke up after what felt like hours, "okay. okay.. in the morning. i'll tell you the same thing in the morning, (y/n)."
you swallowed again, still unsure how to feel about any of this. hell, you were still pretty fucking high. maybe you were already dreaming.
"let's go to sleep, sid. okay?" you tell him, avoiding his comment.
"okay." he mumbles as he shuffles, shifting himself into the covers.
you do the same, and you turn your back towards sid, "good night, sid."
"good night, (y/n)." you hear him exhale deeply, "i'll tell you the same thing in the morning." he repeats.
you didn't reply to him, but you silently hoped he was telling you the truth.
you hoped he'd tell you the same thing in the morning.