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They stumbled through the night, the air cold enough to create clouds of steam every time they let out a trembling breath. Everything was blurry and whether that was because they had somehow just been revived or because they were just that disoriented they were unsure and frankly, they didn’t really care.
Rocks distrubed their path, causing them to fall a few times, their knees and hands aching from each time. Muscles sore and whole body almost aflame from how hot they felt, they continued on no matter what, determined to reach their final destination. Talking to themselves, they tried to cope with whatever was going on - because the only thing they knew so far was all their scars were gone yet felt like they were still there and they woke up in some weird cemetery where they weren’t even underground.
“The night is getting better and better,” they hoarsely mumbled to themselves, clutching their aching side. Why was it aching? They wish they knew.
Finally, they were almost positive they were getting closer, the path beginning to feel more familiar, as if it’s been walked on thousands of times before in the past few months. The gravel more worn than the other areas, cracked concrete in small patches scattered along the ground.
Vision improving, they squinted in the direction they thought they needed to go, looking for the iconic vehicle their friends always drove - even though it was probably too dark to see it anyways but they could hope - and praying someone was home. That’s when they chuckled.
“Praying. Don’t do that a lot.”
Even if it was stupid to joke about, it made them feel a bit better.
Soon they were near the door and they felt for the metal handle, gently running their fingers along the lines of the door. It was pitch black other than a few twinkling stars in the unpolluted sky so they had to rely on touch. Once their fingers fell into a certain spot that had been rubbed down over the centuries, they grinned and turned the piece, listening to the way it creaked and clicked into place.
Slowly swinging open the door, their stomach twisted in knots as the light bombarded them, they hissed and squeezed them shut for a few seconds, still holding onto their left side as they flung their hand around to shut the door. They didn’t even bother to look inside for a few seconds, trying to let their nerves calm down.
“Why am I so anxious?” they questioned themself, latching the door shut and finally opening their eyes.
It’s like it came in sections. First, it was the stairs they’d known for a little under a year now, green and loud as their boots hit each and every step very cautiously - they would not fall again. Second, the giant table that sat in what they simply called the library, where 2 of their friends conveniently sat.
Gulping, their face twisted into a grin nervously.
“Hey, guys. Good to see you-”
Loud fumbling and suddenly, they were held back with a knife to their neck, Sam breathing in their ear as they watched Dean’s jaw tighten. They took in a few shallow breaths, knowing this was coming, and tried to shift away from the knife as much as possible.
“Who are you and how did you find us?” Sam tensely questioned, his hand shaking as he dug it further into their skin.
“Did someone send you?” said Dean, his gravelly voice almost bringing them to tears. How long had it been since they’d died? How long have they missed these two men right here?
No, now was not the time to get sentimental. There was still the job of convincing them that they weren’t a shapeshifter or anything malicious.
“Sam, Dean, it’s me! I swear it is. I was dead and then I wasn’t. C’mon, we’ve done this how many times-”
“Yeah but usually, we die. Not them. They’ve died the least compared to us.” They felt Sam nod at that statement. “Why do you look so nervous if it’s really you?” Dean judged.
“I have a knife to my neck, asshole! I just came back to life, don’t kill me again, you dick!”
Silence engulfed the room and they sighed, groaning at the situation before grabbing Sam’s arm and twisting it around, strategically shuffling and shoving his arm behind his back so he would drop the knife. They snatched it before it fell to the ground and stepped back, letting Sam recover as they held the knife in the direction of Dean.
Their side still ached which made this all the more miserable but at least there was some type of upper hand here. If only that damn angel were here, they thought, knowing he’d be able to tell the difference and tell these two morons that they were in fact the real deal.
“Okay! That’s it for two seconds. I am real, I am not a monster. I was taught how to do that by you so will you listen to me for-” Splash.
Running a hand over their face, they dropped their arm and let the hand that had the knife in it hang by their side. One loud sigh and spit later, they groaned and said, “Really, Dean? Holy water?”
He shrugged and put the bottle down, still squinting at them.
“Is that… is that really you?” Sam asked, hesitantly stepping forward. Throwing the knife onto the nearest table, they nodded, their face twisting into this almost regretful look. They never expected to come back from the dead really, not like the boys often had. Luck like that didn’t seem to be in the cards for them until now, so why did they feel bad?
“It’s me Sammy. Somehow alive and breathing.”
Sam strood over and picked them up in a big brotherly hug, enveloping them basically as he squished them. Wincing in pain, they hugged him back, gently wrapping their arms around him too and semi-smiling at how happy he seemed.
As soon as Sam let go, Dean was approaching and he was a bit more delicate than Sam was, patting their back as he laughed in disbelief.
“Hope you two didn’t miss me too much. Apparently I sucked some of the luck out of you two with the whole ‘coming back to life’ thing.”
“Anyday,” Dean said. “I wish I didn’t have it sometimes so you can take as much of it as you want.”
The group chatted for a bit, recalling what had happened after their death, everything that continued to go down. As far as they could tell, it wasn’t anything they would’ve missed. Just more chaos and killing and then some more chaos tied in with trying to protect innocents. It seems the demons and angels were still causing a ruckus as usual too.
Dropping their face into their hands, elbows propped up on the table, they let out a long breath and ran their hands over their hair and then their face, staring at the two seated in front of them.
“So, nothing new on the agenda at least.”
Dean started a sentence but that’s when they heard it. Standing up quickly, and then having to set a hand on the table for balance because apparently they didn’t realize how hungry they were and everything went spinning for a second, they stared in the direction of the noise - the wonderful wonderful noise of flapping wings and then fabric rubbing together.
Melancholy look on their face, they made eye contact with those piercing blue eyes, the ones that stared into their very soul, the ones that made them feel warm on the inside and without their knowledge, they were taking a few steps forward towards him.
“Cas,” they whispered, tears pricking their eyes and Cas looked them up and down, confused by how they were standing there right now.
“I know,” they chuckled. “I was dead about 24 hours ago and now I’m… not. Unusual for me, I’m aware.”
Cas looked conflicted, as if he knew it was them he just was unsure if he was willing to accept it as them - something they understood completely.
“It’s me, love. It’s me.” They sniffled, smiling at him and now only a foot away from his grasp as a few tears dropped down their cheeks. Nervously chuckling, they opened their arms and tilted their head at him.
“Can I get a hug?”
Quicker than they thought he would, Cas obliged, stuffing his face into the crook of their neck and holding onto them as tight as he could. He kept readjusting almost like he couldn’t get them close enough or couldn’t grab enough of them at the same time. Hands clutching onto the back of their clothes, they heard his breath stutter - they knew he didn’t need to breathe either so apparently he was extra nervous.
Returning the hug, they grabbed onto his trench coat and placed one hand on the back of his neck, trying to soothe him almost.
“I’m right here, Cas. I’m right here.”
Cas was still trying to connect more with human emotions. Technically, he wasn’t allowed to but he still did it, desperate to feel what they feel in the same capacity. He had even told them once that one of the reasons he wanted to feel like they did so badly is because he wanted to know what it felt like to love them as much as any human could. Which shattered their heart on impact and they fell for him even harder if they were being honest.
“Wow. We didn’t get this much of an emotional hello. What are we? Chopped liver?” Dean joked from behind them, followed by a muffled slap as Sam whacked him across the arm and then a quiet ‘ow’ along with that.
Still, they ignored it, Cas completely fixated on the person in their arms right now.
“I don’t understand,” he said, beginning to cry. “You died. I-” Pausing, he held tighter onto them.
Their death had not exactly been… easy or pleasant in any form. It was extremely traumatizing for both parties involved, including Sam and Dean but they didn’t have to be there while they died, they just had to mourn them. Cas had watched them die and pretty brutally too which seems to have torn him up.
“Sh sh sh. I know,” they whispered, gently rubbing their hand on his back. “But hey, I’m alive now. Plenty of time to think about it later, right?”
Cas nodded, pulling away with a red face and he was shaking lightly. The urge to take care of him took them over and they cupped one of his cheeks in their hand, trying to smile at him as he had this completely muddled facial expression, still unsure how to feel or what to feel.
Since he was still so new to the emotions thing, regulating them was extremely difficult for him and took a lot of practice. So he was a little bit of a disaster at certain times which is why they had developed such a skill to reassure him. He’d been through so much and barely knew how to handle it like they did.
Nodding, Cas transferred to a blank expression almost like he was trying to stuff his emotions back inside him. They wiped his tears and their own and gave him another smile.
After everyone calmed down a bit, they all sat and talked more, once again trying to catch up on everything with one another. Nothing new, nothing special, nothing none of them hadn’t seen before so far. They were grateful for that - they’d be coming back to something normal and nothing of complete chaos.
The whole time though, Cas couldn’t get his hands off them. In simple ways sure but if they let go of his hand for even a second, he’d give them this really sad look until they grabbed his hand again. It twisted their heart because they were just thinking about how much he’d probably missed having that physical connection. Sam and him weren’t really close enough to hug much or anything and Dean wasn’t a very physical person so he’d always relied on them. He’d been touch deprived the past few months and they couldn’t feel worse about it.
Eventually, the boys stated they had a job to get to in the morning and should probably head to bed, standing up and saying goodnight before heading to their rooms.
Silence sat between Cas and them but it wasn’t awkward. It was a barrier for a few minutes to let them both process this situation. Cas gripped tightly onto their hand and that’s when they stood up and dragged him to their room.
He confusedly followed behind, tilting his head as they looked back at him.
Once the door had shut, they turned to him, grabbing both his hands and just looking at him. There wasn’t really a general plan with this, they soon realized.
Biting their bottom lip, they watched him as he examined their face like he was trying to store it away for future reference. It was cute, the way he did things like that, not caring if people saw it as weird because he didn't understand societal things. They did that too sometimes and it felt good to have such a connection with him.
Reaching up, they grabbed his face, looking into his eyes, searching almost. For what, they didn’t know but maybe it was just how he looked so content being with them, no malice behind it, no specific intention, just being there with them seemed enough. Thankfully, it was enough for them too.
“Can I just hold you for a bit?” they asked, running their thumb softly along his knuckles and the other one on his cheek.
For a moment he didn’t answer but then a nod and they were grabbing him, pulling him into a hug and resting their face on his shoulder, feeling as he did what he did earlier; dig his face into the crook of their neck.
Rocking back and forth gently, they hummed quietly to themselves, feeling his warmth combined with theirs was everything and the way his body relaxed so completely was the best compliment they had ever received.
They moved their head just a bit, kissing his neck with feather-like delicacy to which he just buried himself further into them, almost like he was flustered. It was cute, they thought, knowing that they’d keep this completely innocent and he knew that and still was so taken aback and blushing, as if all he needed were them. Nothing more, just them holding him.
After a few more kisses, Cas pulled away and guided them to their bed and right before they were about to say something, he pushed them onto it so they were sitting and took a deep breath before getting himself on top of them and straddling their lap.
“That’s a new one,” they thought. He wasn’t one to initiate new things but it’s not like it wasn’t welcomed because suddenly, he basically melted into them, putting most of his weight onto them as he held on tight.
“I’m sorry if you don’t like it, I’ll move and we can-”
Quickly, they shushed him, wrapping their arms around his waist and going back to kissing his neck and rubbing his back.
“No, Cas. It’s okay. I was surprised because it’s new but hey, I could use something new right now. If you’re comfortable, I’m comfortable.”
So the silence fell once more, a safe and reassuring silence to both of them. Nothing stuffy or awkward because they both knew they loved this comforting touch and gods know they both needed it.
“I love you, Cas. You know that, right? Just let me hold you, it makes both of us happy I think.” They chuckled, letting his smell relax them and they didn’t expect him to respond but a few seconds later, they heard him speak in a very quiet and hesitant tone.
“I love you too.”