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I. DENIAL
His 18th birthday is memorable for the wrong reasons.
Kaeya oversees their father when they collect the body. A mistake on his part, because ice meets fire soon after. Diluc’s insides wretch at the memory of the Cryo Vision dropping into his brother’s hands, the hesitance he felt to kill a man who gained an archon’s favor in that very moment. He doesn’t bother saying goodbye to his brother. He knows that their fight is sufficient enough conversation.
When he enters the dark, empty manor, he finds it strung with decorations and colors now muted in the onslaught of events. His brow furrows until he realizes that you and Master Crepus must have been planning a small surprise party for him, the final act of simple love.
“Diluc?”
Your worried voice breaks him from his thoughts. He turns to see you, still in the clothes you were wearing to his birthday party, faint traces of tear marks running down your cheeks. Diluc wonders how long you’ve been here alone, keeping a near-silent vigil. Although the sight of you wilting like a flower is heartbreaking, it’s also a relief to know that he’s not completely alone.
You hold out your hands, and Diluc finally crumbles, allowing you to wrap your arms around him as he begins to weep.
“He died knowing I couldn’t save him,” he whispers, voice wavering in the quiet of the room. You’re sure you feel your heart break for him in that instant.
“That’s not true,” you reply softly. “You were there for him, held him… He knew you loved him, Diluc, that’s more than enough.”
“I can’t believe that he’s gone,” he mutters, voice thick with emotion. “Father is dead and now everything’s gone to hell.”
Your eyes paddle in tears as his choked sobs reverberate through the cold foyer, hiccuping about how he had dishonored his father. You comb your fingers through his hair and whisper that there is no pointing in blaming himself, that none of it was his fault.
“I’m sorry I’m in such a state,” he finally whispers, glancing up from your joined hands to your face, his expression almost shy as he faces up to his vulnerabilities.
“It’s fine,” you murmur, squeezing his hand gently. “You should grieve for him. It’s not a weakness, Diluc.”
His nod is infinitesimal. His sobs start, quieter and more controlled than before and you don’t protest when he leans against your shoulder.
Eula Lawrence had been the one to break the news. When word reached Mondstadt that Master Crepus had been killed, she set off at once to Dawn Winery, where you were waiting. You opened the door with a smile, ready to sing your birthday greetings to your betrothed, only to find the Spindrift Knight drenched in the rain. Her face was hard, but she spoke gently, telling you what you didn’t want to believe. But you knew she was telling the truth — Eula was never one to lie.
She knew how much Master Crepus meant to you. Being the illegitimate child of a son in the Lawrence clan, you had always been estranged from your family, save for Eula, who was also estranged from the Lawrence Clan. Yet, the family had been delighted to hear you were getting involved with the tycoon of the Ragnvindr family because it meant that the bloodline could stay purely noble. When Eula joined the Knights of Favonius, they had attempted to sway back in your good graces, hoping that you would take her place in the family. You never did. So, the closest thing you had to a blood relative was her.
Master Crepus had always treated you as one of his own, especially when Diluc expressed wishes to wed you someday. Along with Kaeya, the Ragnvindrs’ presence in your life formed a semblance of a proper family.
“Everyone died except for me,” he mutters, lashes damp from earlier tears. “My father’s final stand was for me.”
“Diluc,” you whisper. “It’s not your fault.”
He flinches away and your fingers tremor when you realize that he’s involuntarily refusing your touch. He clears his throat in apology and excuses himself from your embrace. You soften, thinking you understand. He’s hurt, after all. This should be expected. You shouldn’t feel hurt.
The warmth of his body lingers on the places where his skin had touched yours. Your arms hang helplessly on your sides as you watch him run a hand through his hair in frustration.
You reach out a hand, but he stops you before your fingers can even graze his skin.
“I’m fine, F/N,” he whispers in a strained voice. “I’m fine, it’s just — don’t worry about me.”
Your heart cracks from halves to quarters. Before you can ask why, Diluc mutters a half-hearted excuse to lock himself in his study, momentarily forgetting you in your shared grief.
He has never done this before.
II. ANGER
“Diluc doesn’t sound happy,” Kaeya deadpans.
The argument echoes through the halls of Favonius Headquarters. You know that it’s only going to be a matter of time before Diluc completely snaps, and you fear that this is only the beginning.
“Congratulations on your new Vision, Kaeya,” you say politely, trying to ignore the arguing down the hall. “Cryo is an excellent power.”
“Too bad it’s incompatible with my brother,” he replies. Unforgivable things have happened between them, and you don’t know what. The fact that they seem to be hiding only makes you feel lonelier. “Something tells me that Diluc isn’t going to be all smiles from here on out. Oh, speak of the devil.”
Diluc’s heels clack on the marble floor as he emerges down the hall. When he sees you engaged in conversation with Kaeya, his expression turns even more sour as he storms past. You stand, hurriedly bidding farewell to your would-be brother before following Diluc out.
You open your mouth to ask him a question when his lip turns down and he begins to rant.
“I quit the Knights of Favonius.”
“What?” you gasp. “But you're a cavalry captain—Diluc, why?”
He pauses in his step, and turns to look at you. You don’t know why he’s frowning at you. You don’t know why he seems to be so angry.
“Never mind,” he mutters. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“What? Don't say—”
“It doesn’t matter, okay? You don’t need to know the reason for everything I do.”
Hurt flashes across your face. “Look, I understand that you’re upset—”
“Just leave it,” he growls, shutting you up. “It doesn’t matter, just go talk to Kaeya or Eula or someone who actually has the time to deal with you.”
The passersby glance at you briefly as you swallow back the lump that begins to form. What a sight it must be for them, seeing the happy couple of Mondstadt on edge.
It’s okay, you think. He’s just confused. Anger is part of grief. Diluc is not like this. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. If you brush it off, everything will be fine.
“I’ll organize the resignation paperwork,” you say meekly as you follow him back to the winery. “Sorry for asking, Diluc.”
The weeks that follow find an improvement in Diluc’s behavior. He doesn’t completely wallow in his sadness and finds the strength to go about his day. This should be a positive development. But with each passing hour, his frustration grows. Melancholy turns to fury. It becomes common for him to speak ill of the Knights, and you feel uncomfortable nodding your head as he slanders the organization which you’ve placed so much trust in. He desires to understand the death of his father. You see his temper rising, like watching a storm brew in the distance, when there is no shelter to duck under.
You try to be there and offer your support. You hope that he will understand you are trying your best — being more careful, more pliant, easier to please. But each time, you are left to grieve by yourself, sinking back into plush chairs as you stare into the fireplace. His presence had been a reassurance in the chaos that has ensued since the attack, but now it had vanished. Trying to catch his attention is like trying to catch smoke.
“I’m sorry.”
You’ve seen this coming. You’ve been expecting this for quite some time now, but your heart twists in agony all the same. A part of you had been in denial, your love for him greatly outweighing the doubt. Diluc has always been a gentleman to you, at least back then, but now, he could barely reach your eyes.
“You deserve a better man than me.”
Diluc looks up at your face flickering in the firelight and regrets it. Through the tears slowly streaming down your cheeks, you smile weakly as you nod.
“I understand.”
You aren’t fooling him. Diluc knows you well enough to discern whether you’re fine or not. You almost wait for him to reach for you, to comfort you, to tell you that you will be okay. He does not.
You know that Diluc needs to grieve for his father. There hadn’t been time before now, and you know he deserves to have this, to be able to process everything that’s happened in the last few months. Unfortunately, you know that you being there was only going to tear him away from his opportunity to do just that.
You take the engagement ring off your finger and place the cold metal in Diluc’s warm palm, enclosing his fingers over his broken promise.
III. BARGAINING
“F/N, I will be sure to inflict utmost vengeance upon that red rat!”
Eula’s words break you out of your stupor before you return to sipping your tea. Your new apartment is not as extravagant as the manor, but it is quiet as you dine. Upon hearing of your parting with the young wine master, Eula begins to visit more often. She claims that it was because there was hardly any monster activity in Mondstadt, but you know the truth. You are both lonely. Clearly there is no need for proof that you are blood-related.
“It’s fine,” you say, taking another sip of your tea. “I was just a nuisance to him, anyway.”
“That gives him no right to abandon you like that!” she says heatedly. “What a disgrace to the Mondstadt nobility! Next time I see that man—”
“It was inevitable, Eula,” you say. “It can’t be helped.”
“You were always too good for him, anyway,” she sniffs. “To be honest, I never understood why you were attached to such an aloof person.”
“Diluc is a good man, Eula,” you gently remind her. “I’m quite capable of dealing with Master Crepus’ death myself.”
She huffs and straightens her posture. “But you quit your job in Dawn Winery. Why don’t you join the Knights?”
“Not interested,” you say flatly. “They insulted Master Crepus. I could never stoop so low. Diluc didn’t even tell Kaeya.”
“Hmph, well isn’t it so easy for the nobility to cut off their own loved ones? What do you plan to do with your life now?”
You shrug. You would find a way. You would throw yourself into work and make yourself useful doing commissions for the community.
“Ad Astra Abyssosque! Welcome to the Adventurer’s Guild! Here’s your Adventurer’s Handbook, F/N. There’s a hilichurl camp that needs to be cleared out not far from here, and after this, the cathedral needs help with some cleaning.”
You thank Katheryne and head off on your way. The hilichurl camp is easily cleared — the only thing you had to do was shoot from afar with your bow. You don’t mind the exercise, but you can’t help but think about how it would have been easier to clear out if Diluc had been by your side.
As you stroll back to the city via the path in the Whispering Woods, you notice small lamp-grass growing in clusters by the side, ringing like bells as you brush past them. Diluc used to like these plants, you recall. He used to cook them in his special meals, eager to hear your opinion and smiling as he served the plate. But that Diluc is long gone now.
It begins to rain. Your earlier sense of accomplishment at the successful commission had long vanished and was now replaced with misery. Cold droplets trickle down your face as you trudge on through the path.
You hear a sound akin to screeching laughter echo from the trees behind you. Before you could turn around, your entire body freezes in place. You struggle to break out of the ice, and when you do, you are suddenly knocked back by three shielded creatures popping out of nowhere. Abyss Mages, cackling as they aim for you.
They barely give you time to move. Each time you evade an attack, another quickly makes up for it. Soon enough your skin is burning raw, each cell screaming in pain. There is little you could do; you can hardly even shout for help. There are enough people to think of, but it seems as though you are fated to be alone. Illegitimate children are infamously known as curses — you are a living embodiment of that. You close your eyes as rain pours down on you, ignoring the jeers of the Mages.
You close your eyes and decide to welcome death. Something cold drops into your hand, and your fingertips go numb from water transforming into ice.
IV. DEPRESSION
Diluc hesitates when he engages in conversation with the bartender at Angel’s Share. Charles sighs at the question in his eyes, shaking his head as he organizes wine bottles on the shelf.
“It’s been months since the incident, Master Diluc,” he says. “You’ve been away from Mondstadt for a little too long. It’s old news.”
“I just need to know,” he pleads, starting to feel restless. “Charles, please. I know how you felt about the separation. But I just have to know what happened. If it’s true.”
Charles sighs and places a glass back on the shelf before turning to the young wine master.
“It’s true,” he confirms. “F/N was attacked by the Abyss Order. Roughed up by three Abyss Mages during one of their commissions for the Guild.”
Something in him shatters like glass. “No,” he whispers. “It was because of me, isn’t it? I should have been there.”
“There was nothing you could have done, Master Diluc,” Charles sternly reminds him, and Diluc remembers how you had said the same, trying to be of help. He had pushed you away, left you alone. And now he hadn’t a clue of your whereabouts.
His mouth is dry as he asks, “Are they alive? Where are they?”
“Ask Katheryne.”
Diluc doesn’t even bid Charles goodbye when he hastily leaves the tavern. People along the street greet him, the woman at the flower shop excitedly waves him over, but he ignores them all the moment he sees you standing outside the Adventurer’s Guild along with three other people.
Your name leaves his mouth before he can stop himself. “F/N!”
He sees you stop dead in your tracks ahead, and a young boy with white hair notices before tugging your arm and ushering you to turn around. When Diluc notices the Cryo Vision hanging on your hip, he stops too. Your party members murmur among themselves before turning away to give you privacy.
“Master Diluc,” you greet politely, and the words feel like a sharp slap to the face. You aren’t angry, or sad. You are indifferent, like you are making small talk with a stranger, and that makes him feel a million times worse.
“F/N,” he repeats, but he doesn’t even know what to say next. “I heard that—”
You cleared your throat. “I’m fine. You can probably guess what happened with those Mages.” The blue Vision on your hip glints a little in the sunlight.
“I haven’t seen you in such a long time,” he says. “I—I was wondering how you were.”
Your reply is monotone. “I’m fine, thank you very much.”
“F/N!” Eula’s snippy voice calls from afar. “Are you ready yet?” She strides over, and when her eyes land on Diluc, they narrow in obvious dislike. “Is this man giving you trouble?”
“Where are you headed off to?” Diluc asks.
Eula glares at him as she lays a frigid hand on your shoulder, half-shielding you. “None of your business, Master Diluc,” she snaps.
You shake her off. “No, it’s fine,” you say. “I had some arrangements to make with Katheryne. I'm going to Liyue, you see.”
He is momentarily dumbfounded. “For work?”
“Yes,” you reply, shifting a little.
“You’ll be back, right?”
You avert your eyes. “I’m being assigned to work in Liyue Harbor now, Diluc. I’m going to live there now.”
The night he let you go flashes before his eyes. The hurt in your face, the quiet sobs that he failed to hear. He swallows.
“When do you leave?”
“Next week,” you answer. You sound a little hesitant, but you’re clearly adamant on eradicating any bad blood. “I’ll be taking commissions in Liyue from now on. If you ever need me, feel free to send me a letter or something of the sort.”
“You can contact me, cousin,” Eula cuts in, putting emphasis on her words as a savage reminder to put Diluc in his place. “You know I’m well-acquainted with a lawyer in Liyue Harbor.”
You break the tension by giving a little, albeit nervous, laugh. You turn, then frown a little, “Are you alright, Master Diluc?”
That title again. The one that made him untouchable from the common folk. Unreachable from even you. Hurt wrenches at his insides when he realizes that polite distance you’re keeping from him, and the way you didn’t seem to want to get any closer. Were you never going to hug him again, or hold his hand? Was he never going to be able to wrap his arms around you, or feel your thumbs brushing away his tears?
Isn’t this distance what he had demanded of you?
He wants to pull you into his lap and tell you about his travels, what he’s seen, then perhaps whisper sweet nothings into your ear, and kiss you tenderly all over. He wants to feel all of you, everything that he has failed to feel the first time the grief consumed him.
But it was too late.
“Master Diluc?” you repeat, concerned.
He clears his throat. “I’m fine,” he says. “I wish you all the best in your adventures. Congratulations on the Vision, by the way.”
You beam at him. It’s a smile full of gratitude and joy, but no longer love.
“Thanks,” you say. “Kaeya and Eula have been teaching me how to use it. You did say they’d have the time, after all.”
Something akin to envy and regret flares inside him. “That’s… good.”
“We better hurry up, F/N,” Eula interrupts, sounding impatient now. “Say, after my patrols, why don’t we head for a drink to the Cat’s Tail? Perhaps you could ask Diona a tip or two about the Vision — she too, is an archer, after all…”
“Goodbye, Master Diluc,” you say, again with that all-too-polite tone, as Eula promptly leads you away, talking about how Diona’s drinks were far better than that of Angel’s Share.
You don’t even bother to look back at his face. Like you didn’t know him. Like you’ve never loved him. And for some reason, it makes Diluc ache.
Kaeya decides to host a going-away party for you in the tavern. You joke that he’s celebrating you finally never having to pester him with questions about the Cryo powers again, but he waves a sultry hand around and tells you smoothly that he’ll miss you. Some of the Knights attend. You mingle with them as Eula leaves to chat with the red outrider in a corner.
From his position tending to the bar, Diluc is sure to keep an eye on you. Some of his patrons can get inappropriate when intoxicated, after all. This is all for your safety. He’s ready to step in should someone make you feel uncomfortable.
He is so ready, that his fingers are practically burning at his sides as he watches you converse with Huffman. The knight tells you how pretty you are, how much of a shame it is that you didn’t get to know each other better, that he’s always wanted to talk to you but could never find the right time to do so.
You’re not blind. You can see that Huffman is trying.
Diluc scoffs under his breath and controls his temper before he summons his claymore to send a flaming bird flying towards Huffman’s neck. No one should be looking at you with such adoring eyes except him. No one should be telling you how lovely you look tonight, or how impressive your new powers are, or how outstanding your work in the Guild has gotten recently, except for him.
Yet, you smile at Huffman and reach out to touch him the same way you had done with Diluc. You thank him and watch as his cheeks turn pink.
Diluc realizes that you’re truly not his anymore.
When the party ends, you stand to shake his hand, a final goodbye. Your hand firmly clasps his, and your skin feels warm on his as you shake. Your eyes linger on his fingers, and Diluc doesn’t fully understand why until you’ve left the tavern.
You are no longer wearing your engagement ring.
Diluc tries not to imagine what could have been had he not pushed you away all those nights ago. Perhaps you’d have gotten through the grief together, and healed. Then, you’d have gotten married in the cathedral, and perhaps Kaeya would be there, and perhaps their brotherly relationship could have been fixed. Everything could have been fixed, tied together in one neat little bow. And yet, it wasn’t, and would never be.
What if you met someone else? Would you get married, have children? Would someone else get to kiss you tenderly, ensnare you in warmth, call you theirs?
Why did he have to ruin everything?
V. ACCEPTANCE
On the journey to Liyue, you take the route from Dawn Winery. You close your eyes and let the scent of fresh grapes waft into your lungs, trying not to think about how much you had missed this place, about the life you could have had here, the memories you shared with Diluc and his family.
You notice a figure watching you from the balcony on the second floor. You know who it is, because you’ve practically memorized the interior of the manor. Diluc, your dark knight, watches over you still, one last time.
You keep walking ahead, but keep your eyes on the house. You search for the resentment, or the anger inside you that should have always come hand-in-hand with the grief of being abandoned by the love of your life. Instead you find nothing. And if you found nothing, then you know you had found relief.
But all Diluc finds as he gazes at your retreating figure is despair clouding his line of sight. Despite the distance, you raise a hand in farewell, and he shakily does the same until you’ve truly disappeared into Liyue. You had been the best thing in his life, and he had been stupid enough to let you go.
With every step you take, you get farther and farther away — from Mondstadt, from the life you thought you’d live, from him. It aches in his heart when he realizes that you are leaving because of him.
Hot tears prickle in the corners of Diluc’s eyes, and they fall.
You are gone.