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Here's what you missed on Glee: Wyldstyle started hanging out with this new kid Emmet, and he can really sing but he's kind of boring but she doesn't think so and she and Batman got in a fight and might have even broken up but no one really knows, probably not even them, and Emmet feels really bad about the whole thing but we don't know too much about him except for he's on Business side for some reason even though he's technically in glee now and Business and the Cops are definitely up to something again and it has something to do with how almost every member of the glee club got food poisoning from the cafeteria and Vitruvius isn't even noticing. Benny and Uni definitely know something's up but so far they haven't had any character development, like, the whole season and maybe even the whole show, so what's up with that? Everything's been really confusing around here lately.
Xxx
Batman slinks around the edge of the gym, cigarette clenched in his teeth. He fumbles to light it, glancing around furtively to make sure no one saw- he's got a reputation to uphold here. There's no one around, though. They're probably all in the gym. Earlier, the bleachers were pulled out and Business had been walking through the hall with a particular kind of smirk that means he's found a way to stifle the spirit of a couple hundred kids all in one afternoon, so that means a pep rally, and Batman hates pep rallies. The cat kid from glee club has a habit of trying to disrupt them with group singalongs, and he's just not really about that? She's nice and all but he's a laid back dude.
He inhales the smoke and starts hacking up a lung. Damn it. And this time somebody is watching, Wyldstyle is peeking out from under her bangs, fists deep in her hoodie pockets.
“Hey,” she says. “babe.” It's a second too late. Just another reminder that they've become something weird that he doesn't wanna think about right now.
“Hey,” he says back. She slides down the wall until she's sitting down by him, but not next to him. “Where's your new boyfriend?”
“He's not- he's inside with Benny and Uni,” she says, changing direction in mid sentence. “Doesn't seem to realize Business is the worst. I figured it was best to let him figure it out on his own.”
Batman snorts. “Kid's gotta learn it sooner or later.” He rubs out the cigarette on the brick wall. They're gonna ruin his voice, it's all very dramatic. “Listen, I'm real sorry. About.”
“Yeah,” she says, looking away. “Thanks.”
“We could do a duet. If you want,” he offers.
xxx
“Benford. Ridiculously named cat child. Would either of you care to explain the disruption to fifth period's pep rally?” It's Bad Cop staring at them from over the top of his glasses. Uni has seen him play the part of Good Cop maybe twice, and both times were extremely uncomfortable and involved loud Irish folk songs, and Uni can totally chill to that, but it was so sad and really not the time or place.
“That wasn't a pep rally!” she cries. “It was the opposite. I've never felt less school spirited, you can't blame us for trying to bring some actual pep to the poor underrepresented children in that gymnasium!” It made perfect sense in the moment. Of course those kids were bored. Business was boring! She and Benny weren't anything like that, they were interesting and cute and Benny did a standing backflip on the stage before they were ushered off, which has to count for something.
“Principal Business has his reasons,” Bad Cop says. “And regardless of your personal and incorrect opinions, the pair of you sing entirely too much and entirely unprompted. Is this what your glee club teaches you? That every person in the room is better off having heard a merry band of pitchy teenagers belting out the top 40 hits?”
“No,” she sneers. “It's taught us that it's our duty to improve the world because everything needs more creativity!”
Bad Cop pinches the bridge of his nose. Vice Principals should be paid more, he thinks. There is not enough money in the world to make this worth it, though.
“Benford,” he sighs. “What about you.”
Benny looks extremely uncomfortable. “Um, you can call me Benny. And not really.”
Uni kicks his chair. He frowns at her. “Back me up here,” she whispers.
“This doesn't seem like a situation where back up is needed?” he whispers back.
Bad Cop clears his throat. “I'll be having a conversation with Vitruvius,” he says loudly. “And consider yourselves on indefinite probation. One more wrong turn, and both of you are suspended, although all it would take to destroy you would be to split up your strange, co-dependant relationship for a week or two.”
“Wouldn't work,” Benny sighs. “She crawled through my bedroom window once.”
“His room is on the first floor and his mom encouraged me,” Uni says. “I stand by that.”
Xxx
“Hello, Bricksburg High students. This is a reminder that Principal Business has a zero tolerance policy on the following things: insubordination, disruptive behavior, unscheduled dance numbers set to catchy chart toppers, unnatural hair colors-”
“Individuality,” Lucy mutters, in the choir room.
“Awesomeness,” Benny adds.
“Fun,” Uni finishes, just as the receptionist ends her announcement with a cheerful, “Just some things to keep in mind when conducting your small, repetitive lives!”
“Is it really that bad?” Emmet asks. Everyone stares at him. Lucy gives him a pitying smile.
“We live and breathe this,” Uni says, in what Emmet thinks is an uncharacteristic display of seriousness. “We have to wake up in the morning with glee club pumping through our veins and go to bed dreaming of our blossoming musical theater careers.”
“I was mostly interested in other things,” Emmet says. “Like having friends and somewhere to eat lunch.”
“Well, you were sitting with us,” Uni says, “and you didn't get up and join us, so you owe me.”
“That's not how it works,” he protests, but just then Vitruvius slams the door open and says,
“There was an impromptu musical number and nobody thought to tell me?”
Everyone looks at each other while Vitruvius stomps his way over to his stool. He settles down and turns roughly in their direction. By silent ballot that involves lots of pleading, Benny is chosen to tell him. “You were there,” he says. “Asleep. And Bad Cop probably knows by now.” Emmet raises his eyebrows questioningly.
“Right,” Vitruvius says, taking a moment to digest this new piece of information. “I'm assuming it was great, because I taught you kids to sing, and that means you did great.”
“We did pretty great,” Uni says proudly. “But Emmet didn't join in, and he hasn't actually auditioned for us yet, so he needs to do that right now or we're kicking him out.” They can't kick him out, because regionals are in two weeks and they still don't have enough members. Speaking of,
“I'm pretty sure there were more of you last week,” Emmet says. He's right. There are four club members in the choir room, which isn't even close to the twelve they need to qualify. “But yeah, I can sing if you want?”
“They're all home throwing up,” Lucy tells him. Batman mimes vomiting onto Vitruvius, who doesn't respond. “Food poisoning. If it was intentional, I've got asses to kick.”
“Babe,” Batman says, “I would pay to see you kick Business's ass, no joke.”
“Anyways,” Emmet says, standing and awkwardly stepping into the middle of the room. “Singing. Right.”
“If you can't sing in front of people I don't see you being a valuable addition to this group,” Uni says. Emmet wonders how he got roped into this.
Xxx
It's not a rousing success. The beatboxing goes over pretty well, but he only gets three lines into the song before Batman gets up and walks right out of the room. Everyone else is close behind. Benny gives him a tight lipped smile before Uni drags him out away, and Lucy lingers in the doorway for just a moment.
“Was it that bad?” He probably knows the answer already.
“It was pretty bad,” she admits. “We do some pop songs, but that crossed the line.” She turns and leaves him staring at the empty room.
Everything is not awesome.
Xxx
“We're breaking into Business's office,” Uni tells Benny, holding a pink bottle of nail polish up to his skin. He groans but lets her take his hand and unscrew the bottle. It's easier at this point to let her do whatever she wants and just go along with it.
“Sure,” he says. “Sounds good.” Getting suspended would be pretty cool, if he's being honest, except for the small problem of not getting to compete in regionals, but he's been thinking about branching out lately. His mom is getting concerned about the sheer number of musicals he's been binge watching on Netflix. “What are we looking for in there?”
“Evidence,” she says. “Obviously. Of him trying to sabotage us.”
“There is no chance we're finding anything resembling evidence,” he says. “He probably communicates his evil plans solely with smoke signals and Morse code blinking, why would he leave that laying around.”
“We are going to hack into his computer,” she tells him, patting his cheek. “I'm not an amateur.”
That's one of the worst ideas Benny has ever heard, and apparently Uni can tell, because she pauses in painting his nails and says, “If you don't say yes we're going to sing about it.”
“Noo,” he moans. “No, I'm in.”
They wait for the receptionist to get up to refill her coffee mug, and then they dash into Business's office and lock the door behind them. It's the most boring office in all of existence. There is a cape in a display case. Benny doesn't waste time thinking about why. He also doesn't go near the computer, because computers always break when he touches them, it's just a thing that he deals with.
There's no password to unlock it. That's just all kinds of suspicious. It's totally a trap, there is no way that it isn't a trap. When Uni wiggles the mouse the screen lights up on spreadsheet, neatly filled in and color coded with every song the glee club has ever performed. “We didn't even do some of these on campus,” Benny says, a little horrified and a little impressed. And then, “Wait a minute, that one is timestamped as right now.” Uni shrieks.
Xxx
Lucy, Emmet, and Batman are all left scuffing their shoes against the blacktop. At least, Emmet thinks, he was slightly less embarrassing this time. “Is that what we do here? Fight through songs?” he asks, just as Batman blurts out,
“Did we just break up?”
Lucy shrugs. “I think so.”
Batman groans. “See,” he says, “this is what we get for singing so many sappy duets. It just makes everything weird.”
xxx