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6 days until Christmas
„...What is romantic love like?“, Cas had asked a few days ago, the question seemingly coming out of nowhere, and Dean still couldn’t get it out of his head for some reason. It had seemed like such an easy to answer question but it turned out it really wasn’t. The question now felt cruel, even, and that for more than one reason.
The first reason obviously being the fact that Dean couldn’t answer it. He’d been around a lot of people lately, some of them being couples, and had come to the conclusion that whatever he had felt for the women he had been with for some short periods of time, it wasn’t that. Sexual attraction, yes, that was something he had experienced loads of times. And it had always been fun to have some no-strings-attached sex.
Even some of his rather short relationships had been enjoyable, and it hadn’t been because he couldn’t commit to someone or stay loyal that they had all failed earlier than later. In fact, Dean liked the idea of having one person he could commit to and love.
No, Dean now realized they had failed because Dean hadn’t felt it. Dean hadn't cared enough for them to think with his heart, and instead thought with his brain. Which wasn't a bad thing per se, he supposed, it just was not a good thing for a young relationship. Because love was something people who thought rationally couldn’t afford. And Dean already had enough people around him that meant the world to him that demons and angels and gods tried to take from him on a daily basis.
Dean sighed. He actually had no time for dwelling on the fact that he was single, or that he didn't know what romantic love felt like, or that he had fled from Castiel’s question with a weird chuckle and a "Who cares honestly? Nobody needs romantic love if they have family." And then he had quickly left the room, like a coward...
...Right, he had no time.
There was a lot to prepare, regarding the fact that they had planned a Christmas banquet in the bunker for all the hunters they got through the rip between the two worlds, because they hadn't had such a thing in years. And for Jack, because it was his first Christmas with the Winchesters. And also for Castiel, Dean supposed, because Cas had never celebrated Christmas with Sam and Dean - those last years, Christmas had always been buried in new deaths, grief, apocalypses, or other family business connected issues.
This time, it had to be the real thing. Just once. With a banquet, some presents, fun, peace, and alcohol. The latter being the one thing Dean wanted to take care of right now, so he took Baby and drove into town.
Upon coming back, Dean accidentally overheard Cas and Sam talking about - love? Again? "How do I know if I love someone like that?" Cas asked Sam, who shrugged. "I guess... you just want to be closer to her, cuddle, kiss her, and all that.", Sam said slowly and Dean could hear Sam felt awkward talking about this with Cas. It made sense, somehow, because Cas was not a kid, but in fact was some years older than them. It felt weird explaining a feeling to another adult.
Dean was just about to flee when Cas noticed him. "Oh, hello Dean!", Cas said in his usual angelic way of sounding happy to see him. "Did you get everything we need?", Sam asked without any greeting. Dean shrugged and lifted an eyebrow. "If we only need booze, then yeah, I guess.", Dean answered truthfully.
Sam just looked at him. "You only bought alcohol?", Sam asked in disbelief, and Dean shrugged again. "Sammy, what was I supposed to buy? I don't cook, so I bought the stuff I understand a little bit about. Plus I also bought Coke and Juice. For the kiddos -", he looked at Jack who was passionately discussing something with one of the younger hunters from apocalypse world - "and for mixing."
5 days until Christmas
Thankfully, most of the hunters from Apocalypse World could cook and offered their help. So Sam, Dean and Cas went grocery shopping with a huge list of stuff to buy, and when Dean proposed to split up to get it done faster, he expected that Cas would naturally stick with him, and Sam would go alone. But Cas said: "Alright, I'll go with Sam." And they ripped the list into two halves, and went away, and Dean just stood there, staring. It stung. In his heart. He didn't really know why. It was dumb. It was stupid he even made anything out of this, it was probably nothing at all.
But Cas never went with Sam. Whenever the three of them would split up for anything not monster-related but painfully human, Cas would be with Dean. Owing to the fact that usually, Cas wouldn’t go doing “human stuff” alone. And Dean would secretly enjoy the time with Cas. Because - Dean paused. Then he shook his head. No, not right now. He needed to get – he peeked at the list - Romanesco?
What the fuck even was that?
Later, after they came back, Dean just couldn't manage to stop thinking about Cas going with Sam. Was it because of something Dean had said? Or done? Maybe because he hadn't answered Cas' first question a few days ago. But that didn't make any fucking sense. Why would Cas be mad at him for that? Or was it because Cas had a crush and he thought Sam could understand it better? Like when he asked Sam about it yesterday...
Dean paused in his train of thought because there was that sting again. Why did it hurt? Dean should be happy for Cas if he had a crush. He didn't even know it was possible for angels to feel that way. His heart stung again, and Dean let out a surprisingly shaky breath. No, if Cas was in love, Dean was happy for him. It was just hurtful that an angel would experience the real deal earlier than him.
When he later met Sam in the kitchen while sorting all the different types of vegetables, fruits and other food, Dean just had to ask. “Do you think Cas is in love with someone?”, he wondered and Sam looked up from a staring battle with the burger buns Dean had insisted on buying since he had also wanted real food. Sam shrugged. “He keeps asking me about every detail connected to relationships and love…”, Sam said and shrugged again. “Maybe he wants to make sure he is feeling love before trying his luck.” Dean swallowed. “Yeah, probably. I thought angels couldn’t feel love like that.”, he said, and when he turned around, he stared directly into Cas’ eyes.
“Yes, I thought so as well, Dean, but I think I was wrong, because I cannot figure out any difference between the love I feel right now and the description Sam can provide me nor the things I have read in Sam’s…Laptop.” Dean swallowed again, and hard this time. Cas was far too close and looked him right into his eyes. With his goddamn, angelic eyes shining brighter then ever, cold and blue and – “Cas, personal space?”, he whispered hoarsely and Cas immediately took a step back. “I’m sorry, Dean.”, he said, and looked a bit embarrassed, and Dean suddenly had the urge to hug him and tell him he didn’t mean it. But of course, he shook it off. What would that even look like?
4 days until Christmas
The next morning, Dean was really fucking tired. He hadn’t slept well, with his mind full of emotions and full of confusion, and full of that moment that wouldn’t escape from his mind when Cas told him he was in love with someone while staring down at Dean’s soul. In a breathtaking, uncomfortably comfortable way. And slowly, very, very slowly, Dean realized that there had to be another reason than simply his own longing for a partner behind the pain that raged in his heart right now.
A reason he didn’t want to admit, not even to himself. A reason he couldn’t afford and a reason he didn’t want.
And that reason being him liking Cas more than he originally thought. In a way that didn’t allow Cas to love any other person.
Which is ridiculous, really, because Dean has always preferred women over men, with their rounder, curvy body shapes. Because that’s what you look at before… liking someone, right? And then, just to top it, there was also the fact that Cas technically was neither. However he presented masculine, and used male pronouns, and Dean didn’t know it was possible for him to lo- like a man. But Cas was – he was – this was -
Dean sighed. He had thought this over and over at night, and started all over again now.
This was different in so many ways from his previous experiences with intimacy. The fact that Cas was a man not even being the most surprising one.
No, the by far weirdest thing was, that Dean couldn’t say when he had started looking at Cas that way. And that he was very, very sure it hadn’t been yesterday.
Now, what should he do with this information? Blurt it out right into Cas’ face the next time they saw each other so Cas would never be fully happy with his current crush because he felt guilty? Because that was most definitely the way Cas would react to it.
Dean pushed all these thoughts aside again and started his day with a huge cup of coffee and then continued to fill every minute with something to prepare for Christmas. He refreshed some of the most important sigils, hung up some of the stupid mistletoe Eileen and Sam had bought because they insisted kissing under the mistletoe was an important Christmas tradition, and even tidied up the Dean cave. Not that he expected someone to come into his room, but still. It was something to do, that distracted him from his unsatisfied heart. His treacherous heart that seemed to hurt more and more with every minute he admitted his feelings to himself.
“… but how do you know you love Sam?”, Dean heard when he just came out of his room and back into the main room. It was Cas. Again. And this time he talked with Eileen. Slowly, an inexplicable and quite unfair annoyance rose in Dean and he had to hold himself back to not barge into the conversation and shout at Cas to finally drop that topic for no specific reason.
Instead, he turned around and left the room again to find out where he could get the highest and most beautiful Christmas tree any of the hunters had ever seen.
3 days until Christmas
In the end, Dean had decided that the best tree would be one cut from the forest near the bunker instead of bought with stolen money from credit card fraud. So when he announced he wanted to go cut a tree and needed an assistant at breakfast, it was Cas who nearly jumped up excitedly. Dean nearly said no, but the way Cas eyes sparkled like the ones of a kid, he just couldn’t. So he nodded and patted Cas’ shoulder and mumbled: “Gettin’ ready. Won’t take long.”
The fresh air in the forest somehow soothed Dean’s lately irritable mood and he took some deep breaths. They didn’t have a long way, but they still had taken a car so they wouldn’t have to carry the Christmas tree for a mile. Not Baby, though, since Baby was far too precious to get scratches from a Christmas tree.
They walked together in silence for a while, until Dean broke it. “So, you’re talking awfully lot about love lately, what’s going on?”, he asked and nearly bit his tongue for it right afterwards. Cas looked up and a light red shimmer appeared on his face. “Oh, it’s nothing. I just try to understand human feelings.”, he said, and Dean held back the rather pointed remark that the day before yesterday, that had sounded completely different. Instead, he just said: “I think romance is overrated.” Cas looked at him while the snow crackled under their shoes. “Have you ever been in love with anyone?”, he asked, and Dean’s annoyance was back so fast he nearly blurted out something rude. “I – It’s overrated, Cas.”, he repeated, trying to dodge the question.
But Cas couldn’t be fooled. “I sense that you are angry about it. But why? I thought love was a good thing.”, he said, and Dean stared at him. Cas was just so hurtfully oblivious to everything. “It might be, but I wouldn’t know, goddammit Cas.”, he pressed out and walked faster to flee from this stupid conversation. Cas of course caught up quickly. “So you never loved someone? And you still don’t?”, he asked again and Dean would have rather climbed up one of those trees than continuing to talk with Cas about this. “Don’t wanna talk about this.”, he just said and Cas actually was silent.
A few minutes later Dean finally saw it. The Christmas tree. Their Christmas tree. It was perfect. At least seven feet tall, healthy green and full with branches. “This is it.”, he said, and Cas looked in the same direction. His mimic nearly didn’t change, but Dean just knew Cas liked it as well.
After checking if there was any creature living in it, which was luckily not the case, Dean started to cut the tree with the axe he had brought with them. And Cas just watched. Like he was entertained. After 15 minutes of continuously hitting the stem with the axe, Dean turned around and held the axe out to Cas. “Now what, are you just gonna stand there and enjoy the show of me getting wrecked by a tree? You are an angel, come on, show your powers, or are you gonna play harp for me?” Cas snorted and took the tool. He hit the tree one time. One time, and it fell right down. Dean just stared at him. Cas giggled.
And Dean’s heart made a little leap.
2 days until Christmas
Jack and Cas spent the majority of the day decorating the Christmas tree and Sam made quite a bunch of phone calls to ask who was going to come and who wasn’t. In the end, there were about thirty people who wanted to spend Christmas Eve at the bunker, including Mary, Bobby, Eileen, a few hunters from Apocalypse world as well as Jody and the girls. Dean prepared the kitchen for those of them who wanted to help. It wasn’t like he really prepared anything tho, he pretty much only tidied up because neither Sam nor him really enjoyed cleaning as much. So, in consequence, the kitchen looked terrible. Mary didn’t clean a lot either, since she came back, she was focused on hunting, and living, and Dean really couldn’t judge her for it.
In fact, Dean was kinda glad Mary didn’t really clean up after them, like they were the little boys she left when she died. But it meant he had to sometimes clean the toilets, and the floors, and Sam sometimes did the kitchen, and everything was full of dust because none of them could really be bothered to dust off all the cabins, books, and pictures hanging on the walls. It was a freaking big bunker and besides, they had other things to worry about then dust.
However, even Dean exactly didn’t deem it tasty to have their Christmas banquet food made in a dirty kitchen where old food and bloody clothes had been lying around for … for chuck knew how long. So he cleaned. And it took one hell of a long time, but he finished by noon, right before Mary and Bobby came in, because they wanted to spend the 24th together before the other hunters would come. Kind of like a family day, Dean thought, just without Dad. And with Apocalypse Bobby instead of real world Bobby, but it was Bobby in the end. Dean liked it either way.
He came into the main room after changing – because all the cleaning apparently really made him sweat - and made it right on time to see Jack sit on Cas’ shoulders to stick some golden star on top of the Christmas tree. Sam looked worried, because Cas didn’t really seem to stand very still while he turned around to face Dean and smile at him, and Jack flailed a bit before hastily putting the star on top of the tree and jumping off Cas’ shoulders. “Castiel, you can’t just move around like that while I use you as a ladder, you know, like humans do it. I do not have wings right now!”, Jack exclaimed and Dean snorted while Cas put up his hands in defeat. “I wanted to greet Mary and Bobby-”
Now Sam snorted. “Weird way to greet them while looking right into Deans face… he’s standing like, 10 feet away from them.”, he said and Dean’s heart skipped a beat for no reason. Again.
The rest of the day was over far too quickly, and Dean sat in one of the armchairs in the living room, the others sitting not far away and talking, while he took the time to sort his own thoughts while sipping on a nearly empty beer bottle. It had been a wild week, not so much full of monsters, but full of … full of thoughts. Dean didn’t like thinking too much. Thinking meant being confronted with trauma, it meant being confronted with grief, worry, fear. Love. It was… overwhelming, and Dean wanted to at least stay in control of his own feelings. Or, maybe, at least feel like he was still in control of his own feelings.
“… But how did you know John was a good fit for you? For your whole life, even?”
Cas’ voice ripped Dean out of his train of thoughts. He looked up, and saw his mother look up to the angel, seemingly thinking about what to answer. Then she said: “Well. I didn’t. You know, love is an unsure thing. But it felt right, so I went with it.” Cas made his shockingly cute “I am confused”-face, tilting his head to the side a bit and squinting. “You just… took a chance?” Mary laughed and took a sip from her beer. “Yes, is that so hard to imagine?” Cas slowly shook his head. “I thought, since human lives are so short, you would evaluate a bit more with who you spend your limited time.”
Eileen, sitting on Sam’s lap, started laughing and also Mary grinned. “Castiel, it’s not… It’s not a thing we really evaluate. You love someone or you don’t. And if you don’t, this person could be someone perfectly matching what you need, but you just don’t want to spend your life with them. And what would my ‘limited time’ be worth when I spend it with someone I don’t feel right about?”
“So, you all are never sure there isn’t someone who would be a better fit on earth?”, Cas finally asked. Sam sighed. “Cas, what does it matter? When you search for someone better forever, you die alone.” Cas nodded. “I suppose you are right.”, he said, and Dean suddenly noticed he had focused so much on the conversation that he had unconsciously straightened in his armchair. He flopped back against the backrest and shook his head while emptying the beer bottle in one last sip.
Then he raised his voice himself. “What’s up with all those questions, Cas? If you think you love someone, just shoot your best shot and see if it works out. What do you have to loose? You don’t even have a ‘limited time span’. Just take a chill pill, and tell them how you feel.” Cas opened and closed his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but chose not to, and then stood up. “I am going, um. Into my rooms, it is late. You should go to bed.”, he said awkwardly, and left.
And Dean wondered if his words had sounded too harsh.
Christmas Eve
Dean woke up with a pounding headache the next day because he had actually been drinking far longer than the others, in the Dean cave, just to finally be able to sleep without thinking about feelings and to keep himself from going to Cas’ room to – to do …. whatever. Dean didn’t even really know what he would’ve said.
He got up nevertheless, took one of the pain meds he always had lying around next to his bed dry, took a shower, got dressed, and then joined the others in the kitchen. He heard them already laughing and talking and it took him a bit of effort to convince himself he wanted to go in. “Mornin’”, he mumbled and Sam raised an eyebrow. “It’s 12pm, Dean. Morning is kinda over.”, he said, and Dean looked up from the coffee machine he had naturally navigated to. “So what.”, he just returned, then sat down with his full mug of steaming hot elixir of life.
“Did you get drunk last night?”, Sam dug deeper and Dean rolled his eyes but didn’t answer. Sam knew better than insisting on an answer, but Cas didn’t. “Alcohol induced intoxication can shorten your life span perceptibly, Dean. Why would you choose to do that repeatedly?” Dean closed his eyes and said nothing again. When Cas didn’t get the hint but went on about the bad effects of alcohol on a human body he just stood up and left the kitchen.
The truth was, Dean knew alcohol wasn’t exactly healthy, but really, what did it even matter. He wasn’t the kind of person who would die with liver cirrhosis at age 70, because he was very likely to die from a stab wound, or a bite, or a ripped out heart much earlier. And in this particular case, it was actually Cas’ fault he couldn’t sleep, because he constantly made Dean’s mind spin around feelings and love. Around what love even meant. And around the fact that Dean loved Cas.
After the coffee, the pain medication kicked in as well, and he felt much better. He even felt a bit sorry for the way he had cut off Cas’ worried lecture. So when Cas approached him again, he looked up and gave him a little smile. Cas mirrored it instantly, warm and honest, and he sat down next to him. “What’s up, Cas?”, Dean asked and Cas nodded slowly. “Is there something you try to solve with alcohol?”, Cas asked and the worry lines on his forehead deepened again. Dean rolled his eyes again, but he wasn’t really annoyed. The truth was, Cas really sounded concerned, and Dean needed to assure him at least once that this time, everything was okay. Because it was, right? Right.
“Really, I’m fine. I just couldn’t get my mind to rest last night.” Dean chose to go with a part of the truth, and it seemed to work. Cas seemed to relax a bit, his mimic softened. “So you drown it?”, he asked, and Dean nodded. “Yes.”, he just said. Cas’ brows twitched, but he didn’t say anything anymore. They sat next to each other for a while in silence, until the first hunters arrived and Dean stood up to greet them and show them the prepared guest rooms where they could sleep tonight after the banquet.
When Dean came back from bringing Jody and her foster daughters to their rooms, he nearly bumped into Sam and Eileen making out under the mistletoe, and he made a gagging sound that made Sam jump flinch, startling Eileen, who then turned around to face Dean, rolling her eyes. “I am sorry.”, Dean both said and signed with his rather poor ASL and shrugged. Eileen raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised Dean could even pull off any sign language, and said: “You’re a dick. Now let me kiss your brother and go.” Sam snorted and pulled her into another kiss, and Dean quickly left the scene.
Faster than Dean had thought, they all sat together on the long table in the main room. The prepared food smelled delicious. Dean stood up and everyone kinda got quiet without him even saying anything yet.
“So… it’s Christmas Eve, and it’s the kid’s first real Christmas, so I am glad y’all are here. We figured most of you didn’t have a good old Christmas celebration in a while, so we thought we’d make this one special. So next year we can all just hunt and laugh at Christmas trees again, alright?”
A few hunters giggled, and Dean went on.
“First, I wanted to thank all of you for sticking with us, because y’all have proven times and times again that you risk your life for everyone else’s safety. We are a big family, because family is not restricted to blood.” He paused and looked at Cas and Jack. Then his glance moved to Maggie, and he smiled. “And I want to especially thank Maggie and Eileen for cooking, regarding the fact that Sam’s, Mom’s, Cas’, Jack’s and my cooking skills combined would have been just barely good enough for takeaway from that Chinese restaurant around the corner.” He smiled, Mary nodded vigorously and Maggie and Eileen as well as some of the hunters laughed. Cas didn't really seem to have been listening. He fidgeted with his fingers nervously and looked at the table.
Before Dean could say anything else or wonder about it further, Sam took the floor and finished Dean’s speech. “So, I think we’ve been sitting in front of all the fragrant food long enough. Let’s enjoy. Merry Christmas.”
The meal didn’t just smell delicious, Dean quickly noticed, but it also tasted delicious. And Dean was positive this was the best Christmas banquet he had since his Mom had died back when he was just a little boy. It wasn’t even mostly about the food. But about the fact that he spent time with people he loved, people who would give their life for him and who he would give his life for. And the time with this family was precious, seeing that for a hunter, life could end inside a moment.
Soon enough, everyone was full, and Dean was already somewhat drunk again, nipping on a beer and tipping his chair backward while laughing about a joke Bobby had just told. “...Dean.”, he suddenly heard Cas’ voice above all the others, and he tilted his head to look at the angel sitting across from him. Dean smiled and Cas naturally smiled as well, like he had done this morning, and then Cas started to speak again.
“I love you Dean.”, he said, loud and clear and everyone else went silent.
And Dean lost his footing. Not only metaphorically but also quite literally, because his chair tipped over and he fell backwards and hit his head on the stone wall, his half-full bottle of beer falling out of his hand. He closed his eyes for a moment in pain, then blinked and rubbed them. This was a dream, right?
Maybe he really drank too much and had just imagined that just happened. He should definitely stop drinking.
But the room was still painfully silent, only Sam coughing up his drink because he had obviously choked on it.
Cas was already next to him and Dean’s heart raced. “Are you okay?”, Cas asked, and Dean just looked at him. He definitely saw the angel twice, but he still nodded. “Yes.”, he whispered hoarsely. He let Cas help him sit up and held his head which throbbed with pain. “Cas, did I just hear that right? Did you just say-”
However, Cas didn’t even have a chance to answer, because Sam was still coughing and squeezed out a: “Yes, Dean, please-”, while trying to get whatever fluid he had gotten into his lungs upon Cas’ confession. Dean looked around. Really everyone looked at them right now and Dean blushed. He had never blushed. Ever. If the world didn’t spin around him right now, he would’ve definitely already fled.
“I-uhm, wh-...I-”, Dean stammered without even knowing what he wanted to say.
Being drunk didn’t make the spinning situation better, but it did inhibit the embarrassment quite a bit, so he just focused on Cas’ eyes. Oh, those bright, blue-grey eyes that looked at him with worry and embarrassment and panic. Right, he should give Cas an answer instead of just staring him down, Dean remembered. “Fuck it.”, he murmured and pulled Cas in for a kiss.
Their lips met, and Dean’s mind was wiped clean. May it be the concussion he definitely had or the alcohol or in fact his wildly racing heart, but he forgot every doubt he had had in the last few days. Cas’ lips were a bit dry but he kissed back softly, without any rush, and he wrapped his arms around Dean who suddenly felt warm and fuzzy inside. Dean’s arms pulled Cas even closer, and when Dean broke the kiss to gasp for air, he didn’t even think of letting Cas go for even the slightest moment. Instead, he buried his face against Cas’ shoulder and mumbled: “Cas, ‘m sorry to break the moment, but I definitely have a concussion.” Cas giggled and then his index- and middle finger softly touched Dean’s head and the severe dizziness gave away. But it also kinda sobered him up, and he flinched away and jumped up.
His blush intensified. He had not just kissed Cas in front of everyone, had he? Hell, yes he had.
Before Cas could even stand up, Dean fled.
Dean buried his face in a pillow for the next twenty minutes, sorting his thoughts carefully and one by one. By 9 pm, which was the time they wanted to get together again to exchange the presents, he was nearly positive all that kissing and ‘I love you’ thing hadn’t happened at all.
However, just to be sure he didn’t run in a whole group of people with question marks plastered over their faces, he decided to skip present time. All his gifts were marked with the names they belonged to, so technically he didn’t have to be present.
It seemed to work, because nobody came down and knocked on his door for the next twenty minutes, while he was brooding over the fact that he wasn’t sure how to look into Cas’ eyes now. And what to say to him, because he could not just ignore him for the rest of his life. They eventually had to talk, and Dean, who really wasn’t too sure what he made up in his mind and what actually happened, was already awful at heart to heart talks when he wasn’t freaking confused about everything.
Another 15 minutes passed, and then the inevitable happened: Someone knocked on is door. Dean froze. What if it was Sam, asking him why he fled? Or Mom, being worried, or Cas. It was probably Cas, right? Dean really didn’t want to say anything, but he answered nevertheless. Everyone who knew his room also knew he would be here. There was no point in hiding. “Yeah.”, he said, nearly tonelessly.
The door opened, and Cas slowly came in. Dean blushed deeply again and hoped Cas wouldn’t be able to see it in the dark lighting of his room. Cas didn’t say anything, but just stood there, in the middle of Dean’s room, until Dean broke the silence. “Why did you come here?”, he asked, and Cas flinched. “I wanted to give you this. In person.”, he said, then reached out with his hand without even moving towards Dean. In Cas hand was a tiny package, neatly wrapped, with a little bow on top. Dean looked at him and stood up to take the package from his hand. “What’s this.”, Dean asked, and Castiel smiled. “According to the Christmas tradition, you are supposed to unwrap it and find it out yourself.” Dean rolled his eyes and couldn’t help but smile as well.
He gently opened the wrapping paper, just to hold a simple black box in his hand, and looked up again. “It’s a box.”, he said, and now Castiel rolled his eyes. “Don’t make it so difficult, Dean. Normally, you open every cursed or not cursed object, but a small black box from me is too much for you?” Dean heard the little tremor in his voice, as if he was very, very nervous. Which Cas had never been before, just once. This evening, before he had -
Dean pushed the thought far, far back into his head and slowly opened the box.
It was a quite minimalist bracelet, made out of black cord, with a white, translucent flat bead in the middle. Dean gently took it out of its packaging, and looked at Cas again. Cas was flushed, cheeks red like Deans before, and he fidgeted again. “Is my question allowed now?”, Dean whispered and Cas inhaled. “It can hold my grace.”, he said silently and Dean looked up so fast he was lucky he didn’t get whiplash.
“It gives you the power to use my grace. And it can only be used by you, so you don’t have to worry about loosing the bracelet.”, Cas now explained quickly. “So if you needed me when I am away, the helpful part of me is still with you.”, he chuckled nervously, then held up one arm with an identical bracelet. “It works over every distance. And-” Dean’s head was spinning again, and this time it wasn’t because he had hit it. He cut Castiel off with a hug. A bone breaking hug, to be specific, because apparently Cas had a completely wrong idea of what parts of him Dean needed. “Cas.”, he whispered, “You are aware that your grace isn’t the reason you are part of our family, right? There is no ‘helpful’ and ‘useless’ part of you. That’s bullshit.”
Cas said nothing. But Dean could feel him shake in his arms. “Cas, that present is freaking dangerous. For you! I – You can’t trust me to always do the right things with it.” Cas pulled away to look Dean in his eyes, and Dean noticed Cas had tears in his eyes. “I know, but I have done terrible things with it as well, you can’t possibly do worse.”, he chuckled, and a tear ran down his face, which he quickly wiped away. “And I trust you more than myself with it.” Then he looked down to his own bracelet. “Also, I can still put it off, and you will loose the connection to my grace.”
Dean shook his head. “I can’t- You can’t-”, he stammered, but Cas smiled and took Dean’s hand. “Listen, Dean Winchester. I’d rather you live then die. And I have no wings so I can’t always be there with you. Please, let me.” He gently took the bracelet from Dean’s hands and closed it around his left wrist. It magically shrunk to Dean’s wrist width, and Dean couldn’t help but huff in amazement. He shook his head again and looked at the angel’s bright pale blue eyes. “You’re insane.”, he grinned.
Then he remembered the other thing they had to discuss, and the subliminal panic came back. Cas seemed to remember as well, because he started to talk again. “Dean, about before… I really didn’t mean to give you a concussion. I didn’t realize you would be so surprised by it.” Dean let out a laugh. “Honestly Cas, it’s fine, I’ve been through far worse. But you didn’t realize I would be surprised? How would I not be surprised?” Cas eyes were glued to the floor. “You told me I should just tell you. It sounded like the best thing to do.” Dean had to thing really hard to grasp what Cas was talking about. Right, this morning, he had told Cas to ‘just tell them’ what Cas felt.
“If I had known you meant me, I would’ve-”, he started, but Cas flinched and cut him off. “You wouldn’t have told me to just say it?” He sounded hurt, awfully so, and Dean quickly shook his head. “Cas! No. Hear me out, alright? I would’ve just… I would’ve just …” He stopped to put his courage together, although it was ridiculous, because there was not really anything he had to fear, regarding the fact that Cas had already made clear that he liked him. “I would’ve told you that I, uh. That I feel the same. For you, I mean.”, he finally said and looked away. Cas didn’t say anything. “Well, now you know. I guess.”, Dean added, just to fill the silence. “Can I… kiss you?”, Cas asked, and Dean forced himself to look at Cas, although his cheeks were red and he felt like some high school girl telling her crush she loved him. “Yes.”, he said, and Cas did just that.
When Dean’s bedside lamp popped and it went completely dark in the room all of a sudden, Dean pulled back and tried to see Cas’ face. “Was that you? You didn’t do that back at the main room.”, he asked and chuckled, and Cas huffed. “The main room has safety lamps, Dean. They don’t simply pop because of me… loosing a bit of control.” Dean chuckled again and could nearly feel Cas’ embarrassment. “You losing a bit of control. Could get used to it.”, he commented and Cas sighed. “Don’t”, he said, but when Dean pulled him closer again, he didn’t resist.