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It happened suddenly. That’s what Peter thinks he should say. It happened suddenly because that’s what people always say. You can’t say that something unexpected crept up on you. How could it be unexpected if it happened slowly. Surely you saw it coming. You could have done something. You should have stopped it. So Peter says it happened suddenly. But he knows that is a lie.
It happened suddenly. The jerk of a web pulling him from being inches from the ground. The gasps and cheers of the crowd around him as if this was all for show. A stunt just for them. Peter let go and soared through the streets. Closed his eyes and wondered, just for a second, what would have happened if he hadn’t got his web out in time. He panicked for a second, but only a second, and brought his mind back. That wasn’t him thinking, it was just curious human nature. He swung home and in through the window. May didn’t hear anything and Peter slipped under the covers. He ignored the shiver that ran through his body and curled into a ball on the bed. He had school tomorrow.
The school halls felt the same as ever. Whatever had crossed his mind the day before was gone and he was smiling. Ned and MJ on either side of him. Loyal as ever. Peter winced. He didn’t deserve their loyalty. Guilt chewed at his insides. How could he have thought, however briefly, about leaving them behind. He thinks that he should tell them. But it was only once, it was only for a second and that happens to everyone. Everyone thinks like that sometimes. So he kept it to himself and got drawn into a conversation about a new Lego set and their upcoming tests. It didn’t cross his mind again. He was happy.
It happened suddenly. A single snap and Tony was gone. Peter wanted to be sick. That stab of pain in his heart that made him not want to go on came back. It had appeared every now and then when Peter least wanted to admit it. A casual thought here and a pondering there, what exactly would happen if this bad guy landed a blow? Would the spider healing kick in or not? What would be considered fatal?
The funeral felt like the knife in his heart was being twisted. Brutally and mercilessly. He looked at Morgan, at her face so comprehending and yet still so uncertain. Her Daddy was gone, she knew that, but Peter knew that she didn’t understand. Not really. Not like Harley or Pepper or Happy did. Not like he did. Peter wanted to take Morgan and wrap her up and protect her from the world like Tony would have. He wanted to make all the bad things go away for her. The ones he couldn’t make go away for him. Morgan found him later and asked him about Tony. She said Tony used to look at his photo a lot, he used to tell her that Peter would love her and he wished he’d saved him. Morgan twisted that knife more. She didn’t know it. Peter just smiled and told her anything she wanted to know and then he left. His mouth moving but his mind elsewhere.
It happened suddenly. ‘I’m fine!’ He snapped at Happy. 'Don't you dare pity me!'. Out of nowhere a burst of anger. The first he could remember feeling for a long time. Going through the motions got harder each day. He was retreating into his head, falling back on the routines and habits he just couldn’t shake to show the world, the ones who knew who he was, that he was ok. He was fine and everyone needed to focus on more pressing issues. Like the climate crisis, or Morgan’s latest school project that earned her an A. Peter wondered when Morgan’s happiness had become as important to him as the climate. Then he wondered if either of them really felt important at all or if he was just pretending. Thinking the things that people expected him to think.
He hugged May. He dated MJ. He built Lego with Ned. Life was good. He was the problem.
It happened suddenly. May was gone and everyone had forgotten who he was. Everyone had forgotten Peter Parker. Maybe that wasn’t so bad, there was no one to miss him anymore. No one to worry or wonder where he’d gone. It’s better this way, he told himself, it’s better if I’m alone. But then there was MJ. There was Ned. In the small diner. He couldn’t help but go in. His feet led while his mind reared back.
MJ smiled at him. But it wasn’t her real smile. It was that fake one, the customer service one that he had never seen directed at him before. It hurt. He ordered and he hoped. For just one glimmer of recognition. There was nothing. He knew there wouldn’t be. In a way he was happy, the spell had worked and the world was safe and sound. But MJ didn’t know him and there was nothing that could ease that pain. He thought about getting to know her again. He wasn’t sure that he could go through that. So he went and found someone else. Someone he’d never known well but who he thought could be on his side. He thought they could help him.
So he travelled. For years he roamed through states and cities. He knew where he’d end up eventually. He just took his time in getting there.
It happened suddenly. He knocked and the door flew open. As if they were expecting him. He knew they weren’t. Peter was poorly clothed for the weather. Soaked to the bone and shivering. The man at the door faltered. The bat he was holding dropped and he ushered Peter inside. Peter couldn’t help the internal recoil at the kindness.
Harley Keener sat him on a couch. Peter watched him buzz around the place, boiling water and soup and giving it to Peter who took it with unsteady hands. Harley nudged him into eating and found a blanket, a dry set of clothes that would fit Peter and then he sat. And he waited. And Peter spoke. For the first time in years he truly spoke.
It happened suddenly. Peter says it happened suddenly. But he knows that is a lie.