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“GAH!”
Adora woke with a start. She found herself gasping for air and dripping with cold sweat. She… she didn’t know why. She had hazy figments of her dream running around her head… something… something about Prime and… Catra and Glimmer and… she remembered.
She dreamt about Prime winning. She started to recall the end of the dream… Brightmoon was in ruins, Prime was cackling over the burning rubble and she could hear Catra and Glimmer, the two people she loved more than anyone else… screaming. At her. That this was all her fault. That she was the biggest fucking failure to ever-
Adora could feel the tears starting to flow from her eyes as she looked at the ceiling.
She turned her head to see her two girlfriends snuggled up to each other. Now the feeling of fear became that of shame. She… she had no right to feel like this. To feel awful. Alone. Because she had it all. She has two wonderful girlfriends and the war is over. So… why did she keep on feeling like this? Why couldn’t she be a good person for 2 seconds and not fall the fuck apart and be a useless waste of-
Glimmer stirred, and Adora recoiled in complete fear. She didn’t want Glimmer to see her like this. Nor Catra. Nor Micah. Nor anyone else. Glimmer just held onto Catra more and went still. Adora feels relieved but still… full of shame for being like this.
Just… take a walk, Adora. That’ll clear your head. You can’t burden them with your pain. They… they have it so much worse than you do. Just take a walk and everything will be fine and you can go back to taking care of them.
After the war had ended, Glimmer and Catra had finally opened up about everything they went through. They saw Perfuma once a week each and started to heal and come to grips with what happened to them. It was rough at first… opening up trauma is always difficult but it got easier for them as time went on. Adora was always right there to help calm them down and to give them the love they needed. Sometimes both Glimmer and Catra would cry and cry into Adora’s shoulders and she would kiss them both and tell them how loved they were and how things were okay now.
Just after a short couple of weeks Catra and Glimmer finally eased up and the three of them went on as many dates as they could, always finding themselves in each other’s arms after the day’s tasks were done. The three of them became inseparable and it wasn’t too uncommon for them to be snuggled up like they were tonight, all of them in each other’s arms and sleeping soundly.
But Adora… Adora never went to Perfuma. She didn’t think she needed it. After all, Catra and Glimmer had it a lot worse than she did. She just fought a lot of battles, almost lost the people she loved countless times, lost her powers, watched her oldest friend nearly die a couple of times, got yelled at by Glimmer for not saving her mother… nothing too serious! Certainly not something she couldn’t handle herself. So she never told anyone. Not Perfuma, Bow, Glimmer, or Catra.
So why… why was she like this? She didn’t have it nearly as bad so why was she still having nightmares? Why was she so afraid of them now? Why was she crying again?
No, they can’t see this god fucking dammit WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!
Adora held her head in shame and anguish. Her own inner voice was screaming at her now and it was really REALLY hard to ignore it. She quietly got out of bed and put on some shoes so she could go to the roof. Yeah… the night air was fine enough so… maybe some time on the roof would do her some good! Like back in the Fright Zone!
She closed the door quietly behind her and started to walk, but stopped a few paces from the door. She looked back and… couldn’t help but feel like she wouldn’t be allowed back in there. Not unless she calms herself down quickly and comes back. Because they couldn't know. Nobody could know. Nobody could know how weak Adora truly feels she is.
She got down to the hall before she realised she was alone and then… broke.
Slumping down the wall, she bit her hand so that her wails of anguish could be muffled. Tears were streaming down her face, her whole body shaking violently.
It’s all your fault! None of this would happen if you would just be fucking smart for once in your miserable life! Catra wouldn’t have left, Angella wouldn’t have been trapped in who knows where, and you wouldn’t be this sad pathetic FUCKING FAILURE IF YOU HAD JUST BEEN STRONG ENOUGH!!!!
Her mind was at war with herself now. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. She felt nothing but shame and despair and-
“Adora?”
She snapped her head up enough that it bumps against the wall. She looked up only to see her worst fear come true. She’d dreaded this for so long and yet… she never thought it would ever become real.
It was Glimmer, looking deeply concerned and worried, and for good reason.
“Oh um… h…”
She couldn’t even finish the sentence before she started crying again, the tears already welling up in her eyes. She looked down in shame. She couldn’t look at Glimmer. Not like this… Not like this.
The Queen dashed over and knelt down in front of Adora, pulling her into a tight hug, the pinkette squeezing her as tight as she could.
“Adora, what’s… what’s going on? I’ve… never seen you like this.”
Clinging onto Glimmer, her fingers digging into the sleeves of her lover’s nightgown, Adora wailed loudly. She didn’t care who heard anymore. She already knew she was screwed so… might as well just make the situation worse by having everyone know that She-Ra of Etheria was a pathetic and broken coward.
Glimmer threaded her fingers gently through Adora’s hair, softly whispering sweet nothings into her ear. “Just let it out… it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay… I love you…”
“No… No, you’re gonna hate me…” Adora sobbed.
Pulling Adora closer, Glimmer shook her head. “No, I don't... I never would... I never will... please, it's going to be alright.”
Adora started wailing more and didn’t notice Catra coming out of the room.
“Sparkles? Adora? I… oh dear God.” Catra sprinted over to Adora and started holding her too. Catra kissed the top of Adora’s head and looked at Glimmer confused and concerned. Glimmer responded non verbally by shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders. She was just as lost as Catra was.
Eventually, after several minutes of crying and hugging and Glimmer and Catra pressing kisses to Adora’s head, she finally stopped crying. She slumped against the wall and looked to the ground, unable to look at either one of her girlfriends. Glimmer reached out and placed a hand over Adora’s and she didn’t hold it back.
“I’m sorry. I… I have no right being like this. If you want to kick me out, then I understand. I… know I’m not useful like this…”
Glimmer leaned back in shock. Catra was stunned. Baffled even. Where… where was this all coming from? Why would she feel like this?
“Adora… you… you do realise it’s okay to need help from us right? I mean-“
“No, it’s fucking not!” Adora snapped, her eyes completely bloodshot. Her cheeks were stained with tears and she was quivering, with more spilling down her cheeks. “It’s… it’s not okay. I’m supposed to be strong and to protect you, protect this whole damned planet! I can’t… do it like this. Not when I’m feeling like… like…”
“Adora.” Catra said as she tilted Adora’s head up to gaze directly into her eyes. “How long have you been keeping this to yourself?”
The question pierced through Adora and suddenly she felt an unimaginable shame. Of course, Catra would understand what was going on… they’d been together all their lives.
“How long have you been keeping this from us?” Catra asked again. “How long?”
Adora hung her head in shame. If she was going to be exiled from the kingdom for the crime of being weak, then she might as well own up to it.
“Years.” She leaned her head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. “Before I left the Horde. Before everything. Everyone else in our team back in the Fright Zone and here in Brightmoon has had it so much worse than me. I wasn’t abused by Shadow Weaver, I wasn’t tortured by her or Hordak, I didn’t lose a parent I didn’t…”
She stopped and a few more tears spilt out. Guilt and fear and shame were all she felt. But she had to tell the truth. She had to tell the truth before they sent her away. But… she couldn’t bear to look at them. So she kept staring at the ceiling.
“I didn’t go through as much as you two did. Or anyone else in the war. And yet I’m like this. I have nightmares. I hear the two of you… screaming at me in them. About how much of a failure I am. About how much I fucked it all up. So, I keep it to myself because I have absolutely no right to burden you two with my bullshit. I… I feel awful for having you see this. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry… I know I’m supposed to be stronger. More capable and more able to handle something as trivial as my own bullshit but… I can’t. I’m not the strong warrior you think I am. I… I still feel like that scared little girl clinging onto Catra back in the Fright Zone. I’m weak. So if… if you want me to go because I’m no longer useful then… I’ll leave. So you don’t have another problem to deal with.”
Her two girlfriends were silent for a moment. And that was enough to send her spiralling down even more. She knew it was coming, Glimmer exiling her, Catra screaming at her and-
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
Catra’s voice cut through the noise in Adora’s head like a sharp blade. Adora looked down and saw Catra. Both she and Glimmer’s expressions softened. There wasn’t the anger she expected nor the disgust. Just… worry.
“Adora, you haven’t done anything wrong. Seriously you… you’re talking as though you’ve committed a dozen different crimes and that we hate you when we really don’t. We love you. We’re just… we’re just more than a little shocked to see you like this. We thought you were fine but… we… we really should have checked in more. We really should have tried to get through to you instead of assuming you were okay. And… did… did you really think that we’d kick you out for showing how you actually felt?”
Adora was going to speak but Glimmer held a hand up so that she could say her piece.
“Adora… I love you. And as Queen of Brightmoon I am never going to exile you. Not for this, not for… anything. There’s nothing I know you’d do that would warrant that. It just means that you were hurt. Like me. Like our girl. You’re safe with us okay? We’re not going to kick you out, stop spending time with you, or anything like that. We love you. So goddamn much.”
She reached out and pulled Adora in as close as she could “I am NEVER going to let anything bad happen to you okay? I love you. I love you so fucking much. I always will.”
“Ditto for me,” Catra added, cuddling up to Adora as well. “Remember our old promise? You look out for me… and I look out for you.”
“And…” Adora finally spoke up. “Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other, right?”
“Right.”
“You… you promise?”
Smiling warmly, Catra leaned in close. “I promise princess. I won’t let anything bad happen to you either. You mean so goddamn much to me and I’m never going to let anyone use you or hurt you again.”
Catra leaned in and kissed Adora’s head gently and let out a gentle purr. She could feel her girlfriend’s tension leave her as Adora slumped into Glimmer’s arms and pulled Catra into a warm and tight hug. Her breathing became less erratic and more even. Her mind stopped screaming at her and she felt… safe. Safe with the two most important women in her life.
“Are you feeling better?” Glimmer asked softly.
“Y…yeah… I’m… starting to feel better. Thank you.”
She didn’t leave her queen’s arms and none of them moved for several minutes. It was just the three of them. Adora almost nodded off because of how safe she felt and how... exhausted she was after all that crying. Glimmer didn't stop petting her hair and Catra would occasionally nuzzle into her neck. It was... almost perfect. Except for the fact that they were on the floor and as the minutes ticked by, it started to get a little uncomfortable.
“Adora… I really think you should see Perfuma,” the catgirl suggested. “Sparkles and I can give you all the support we can but… I think all of us know that this runs a lot deeper than just needing to cry it out one night and getting cuddles from us. Because it wasn’t like that for me… I was crying all night with you holding me and I still felt like shit in the morning. And I’m worried about it happening with you too. So… it would make me feel a lot better if you started seeing her so you can work through what is clearly a lot of trauma.”
“I’m with her on this one.” Glimmer spoke up. “I… didn’t really start to parse out how I felt about my mom being gone and Prime and what I did to the planet until I started seeing her. So… I really do think having someone like Perfuma to talk to is going to be good for you, my knight.”
Adora opened her mouth to object but didn’t say anything. She knew in her gut that the two of them were right. She didn’t like the idea of her having trauma, that all of this could still bother her after all this time. She… she needed to get better. So the nightmares would stop. So that she could feel the peace her girlfriends felt.
“Yeah… okay… I… I’ll talk to her in the morning,” Adora agreed, sounding more like herself again. “So… so I can get help.”
“Thank you.” Glimmer said in relief.
“Okay…” Catra stretched out and got up. “Sparkles. Princess. Let’s just… get back to bed. I think this dummy here will be a lot more comfortable cuddled up to us than lounging here on the floor.”
Adora had to smile a little at that, knowing Catra and Glimmer loved her so much.
Glimmer helped Adora up off the ground, the blonde clinging to her and refusing to let go. Glimmer walked the two of them back with Catra just ahead of them. When they got to their room, Adora walked toward the edge of the bed, lying down and curling up. However, before she could even close her eyes, Glimmer yanked her back into her arms.
“Ohhhhhh no,” Glimmer insisted. “No. You are the filling tonight of this sandwich. Catra and I will be squishing you together. And no, this is not up for debate. Okay?”
Stunned by not only Glimmer’s order, but the cheery way she said it, Adora blushed softly and shyly. It took her a little bit to actually find the words since Adora got lost in Glimmer’s dazzling eyes.
“Oh um… sure… I… I would like that a lot.”
Glimmer rolled Adora over her so she was in the middle of the bed. She felt Glimmer’s hands wrap around her waist and pull her in close and Catra, smiling softly at the two of them, laid down in front of Adora and scooted herself back into her girl’s arms and dragged Adora’s hand across her so the three of them were all cuddled up with each other. She soon drifted back to sleep, with the women she loved surrounding her.
For the first time in her life, Adora felt that she’d actually be okay, that she’d make it. And Glimmer and Catra were determined to make her feel that way, as Adora had done the same for them.