Work Text:
“I can deliver that gift to Karasuma-kun for you.”
That was how it began.
…
It hadn’t been long since the Ninomiya’s squad had assembled. Tsuji still didn’t know what he had done that had caught Ninomiya’s eyes, which then directly led to his recruitment. He wasn’t outstanding among his peers and even had a critical weakness that prevented him from progressing in ranks. He couldn’t fit in any squads because communication with the Operator was impossible. Yet, Ninomiya still chose him.
Tsuji thought that maybe Ninomiya hadn’t been aware of his weakness and tried to tell him.
“It’s fine. My Operator can’t communicate with anyone either. Maybe you two can work something out.” was Ninomiya’s reply and at that time, Tsuji believed that this recruitment would end in half a day.
The Operator Ninomiya had mentioned was named Hiyami Aki – the same age and studying in the same school Tsuji was attending.
It was said that Hiyami had only recently enlisted in the Border, but her skills on the computer were excellent. She could fulfill the role of an Operator perfectly… if she would talk. But of course, Hiyami didn’t.
Worse than Tsuji, who only failed to communicate with the opposite gender, Hiyami couldn’t talk with anyone without stuttering.
The first time Tsuji met Hiyami was a staring contest… at the floor. Neither of them made a sound after Ninomiya had introduced them to each other and left for some paperwork. The only time Tsuji thought of looking up was to make sure the person in front of him was still there, and coincidently, that was also the thought that ran through Hiyami’s mind.
Their eyes met and they froze for an eternity before the door opened again and another girl showed up. Tsuji was almost certain of his demise right there and then. However, for some reason, he could look the black-haired girl in the eyes without freaking out. And that girl –later introduced as Hatohara Mirai – saved both Tsuji and Hiyami from the awkward situation.
Eventually, things worked out as Ninomiya expected.
After a few conversations with Hatohara, Hiyami somehow had a change in her mind set and was able to communicate with everyone fluently. On the other hand, Tsuji was still stuck with his weakness, but he could communicate with the girls in the same squad so Ninomiya called it a pass. And when the last member – Inukai Sumiharu – made his appearance, the atmosphere and conversation flow of the squad greatly improved.
Border aside, Tsuji was glad to be friends with Hiyami because since then, his life at school had become much easier. They were in different classes, but because their classrooms were close to each other, she often came to his rescue whenever the girls attempted to tease him.
“Can I do something for you, Hiyami-san?” Tsuji once tried asking because he felt bad to always be on the receiving side.
However, Hiyami simply shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.” she said with a small smile, “I’m sure Tsuji-kun would do the same for me if I was in your situation.”
When would that be? Tsuji wondered. Hiyami had already conquered her weakness; there would be no chance for him to help her, ever.
Or so he had thought… until he found Hiyami trembling in the corridor of the HQ, hands clutching a small gift box, staring at the crowd in the lobby with a bright red face. Because of his height, Tsuji could easily spot the center of the crowd and his brain worked out an answer instantly.
Today was 24th December. The person in the middle of that crowd of girls was Karasuma Kyosuke of the Tachikawa squad. And finally, the gift in Hiyami’s hands. Even a child could make a clear connection from these hints.
“I can talk with everyone now, except for one person.”
That was what Hiyami had said some time ago during the talk about their weakness. However, Tsuji had been wallowing in shame for his inability to overcome his critical flaw so he hadn’t remembered.
But it was clear now. That one person was none other than Hiyami’s crush: Karasuma.
And before he knew it, his mouth had already started moving.
…
Ever since then, whenever Hiyami wanted to send a gift to Karasuma, Tsuji would take on the role of the delivery man and report to her Karasuma’s reactions upon receiving it.
“Karasuma-kun said ‘Thank you’.”
“I see. Thanks, Tsuji-kun.”
There was nothing special in Karasuma’s responses, yet Hiyami was as happy as if she had won the lottery. So even the composed Hiyami could act like this when she was in love. It was interesting and adorable.
Tsuji guessed it was worth the effort of sitting around in the Tachikawa squad’s strategy room for hours. Because Karasuma was always surrounded by girls, the squad room was the only space Tsuji could approach him; and he didn’t know Karasuma’s schedule so waiting was the only choice. Fortunately, the other three in the Tachikawa were kind enough to let him.
“I’m glad to be of help to Hiyami-san.” Tsuji said contently.
There was no reply but Hiyami’s bright smile was more than enough.
…
Before long, Karasuma was transferred to the Tamakoma branch, which greatly reduced the chance of Hiyami meeting him, or it was even safe to say that they couldn’t meet at all.
Needless to say, Hiyami was clearly depressed. It didn’t show in her work or study, but it wasn’t hard to notice how she poured both chocolate powder and tea in a cup and drank it like there was nothing wrong, or how she simply sat in her Operator chair after work and stared into the empty space. When Ninomiya brought in dessert for the squad, Hiyami would accidentally take Tsuji’s or Inukai’s favorite instead of hers… There were many more similar situations but because work wasn’t affected, no one could complain.
“Hiyami-san, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, do you want to give Karasuma-kun something?”
During one of Hiyami’s dazed moments in the strategy room, Tsuji brought up the matter. Hiyami didn’t hear him at first, but the name of her crush brought life back to her eyes.
“Sorry, Tsuji-kun. Can you repeat your question?” she asked, probably only having heard the word ‘Karasuma’ earlier.
“It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.” Tsuji said patiently, adding a small smile so the Operator wouldn’t feel bad for not listening at all. “Do you want me to deliver a gift to Karasuma-kun for you?”
“Ah! I totally forgot that.” Hiyami gasped. However, her expression quickly saddened again. “But Karasuma-kun is in the Tamakoma branch now…”
“I can ride a bike there. It’s not that far.” Tsuji reassured.
“Are you sure?” Hiyami gave him a worried look, “I don’t want to give Tsuji-kun too much trouble.”
“Dealing with the girls at school is thousands times more troublesome than this, and Hiyami-san still does it for me. It’s only fair if I return your kindness.” Tsuji said softly.
A giggle was heard. “Tsuji-kun is being too formal again.”
“Isn’t Hiyami-san too?” he retorted.
“You’re right.” Hiyami agreed, putting a hand over her mouth to cover her laugh, “I won’t be reserved anymore then.” And to Tsuji’s surprise, she took out a heart-shaped box from her school bag. “Please deliver this gift to Karasuma-kun for me.” she said, holding out the box and bowing her head lightly.
“Didn’t you just say you forgot…?” Tsuji mumbled in puzzlement as he took the box.
Hiyami clasped her hands together, bowing more deeply. “I’m sorry I lied. I have this prepared but I was wondering if I should ask Tsuji-kun for such a bothersome favor. But because Tsuji-kun offered first, I went along with the flow.”
Looking at the top of Hiyami’s head, Tsuji was speechless for a moment. He had never expected Hiyami capable of such a playful act. It totally took him by surprise. However, instead of feeling annoyed, he simply found it cute. There was more to Hiyami than her docile and quiet appearance and Tsuji was glad he got a chance to learn of it.
“It’s fine, Hiyami-san. Please lift your head.” Tsuji said clumsily after a while, waiting for Hiyami to look up, “But I think Karasuma-kun will be swamped with guests tomorrow; may I deliver this gift to him today?”
Hiyami’s eyes widened a bit. “Ah, that’s true.” she agreed, nodding her head. “Please choose any time convenient for Tsuji-kun. I’m asking a favor here so I can’t be picky.” she said, bowing her head again, “Thank you very much for your help.”
“Hiyami-san is being formal again…” Tsuji reminded her shyly, and then turned around, “I’m off.”
Halfway to the door, Tsuji was stopped by Hiyami’s call.
“Wait a minute, Tsuji-kun.” she called out again, running towards him with a brown paper bag. “I planned to give it to you tomorrow, but because you will deliver my gift today, I think Tsuji-kun should take this now.” she said, holding out the bag towards Tsuji, “Happy Valentine in advance!”
Tsuji blinked, brain failing to process for a moment. “Er… what is this?” was all he managed.
Hiyami was taken aback for a second. “Valentine chocolate.” she said hesitantly, “Do you not like it?”
“No, I like it.” Tsuji shook his head instantly, “But why? Does Hiyami-san like me too?”
There was a moment of silence. Then Hiyami brought her hands to her lips, muffling her giggles. “What are you saying, Tsuji-kun?” she asked, seemingly having fun, “This is friendship chocolate.”
“Friendship chocolate?” Tsuji echoed confusedly.
Hiyami nodded repeatedly. However, her little cute laughs quickly ceased when the black-haired teammate gave her a dumbfounded stare. “Uhmm…” she started reluctantly, “Tsuji-kun really doesn’t know what friendship chocolate is?”
Tsuji shook his head. “Isn’t Valentine chocolate only meant for the person you have feelings for?” he asked, frowning in puzzlement.
Hiyami gave him a long look, probably checking if he was joking. Of course Tsuji wasn’t, so she gave a few understanding nods. “You see, there are two kinds of chocolate girls will give out on Valentine’s Day.” she started the explanation, raising two fingers. “First, like you said, chocolate for the special person. Like the one you’re holding.” She pointed at the heart-shaped box. “And second, friendship chocolate. This one.” She lifted the brown paper bag up to her eye level, gesturing with her eyes at it. “Or you can call it obligatory chocolate, for everyone else like friends or classmates.”
“I see.” Tsuji said slowly. Now he knew why he had never heard of it. Because of his awkwardness with girls, he always ran away before any of them could hand him the friendship chocolates. The only kind he had ever received was the one for love, either placed on his table when he wasn’t there or delivered to him through other boys in his class. “Thanks, Hiyami-san.” Tsuji said with a small smile as he took the paper bag from Hiyami’s hand, “I guess it means that Inukai-senpai and Ninomiya-san will have something similar tomorrow?”
After a brief pause, Hiyami nodded. “Yep, I will give them tomorrow.” she confirmed.
“I’ll go now.”
“Thanks again, Tsuji-kun. Take care.”
With that, Tsuji left the strategy room.
The delivery to Tamakoma branch went smoothly except for when Usami opened the door and Tsuji froze where he stood until Reiji came to his rescue.
When Tsuji returned home, it was later than usual so he was prepared for a slight scolding from his parents. However, for some reason, they let him off the hook, saying something like he looked more cheerful so something good had to have happened. Yet when he looked in the mirror, his expression was the same. What was his family talking about?
Putting his parents’ weird comment aside, Tsuji took out the content in the brown paper bag when he got back to his room. There was a square white box with blue ribbon, which truly looked more casual than the heart-shaped one he had delivered. When he untied the ribbon and opened the lid, four pieces of chocolate shaped like mini dorayakis emerged in sight.
Wow… this was more delicate than Tsuji had expected, even more than the love chocolates he had received before.
“Thanks, Hiyami-san.” he whispered as he pressed a piece on his lips.
His first ever friendship chocolate… Tsuji would probably remember this for a long time.
There was a small card hidden at the bottom of the box but at that time, Tsuji didn’t notice.
That was why, on the next day, after the defense duty, he was totally confused when Hiyami gifted Ninomiya and Inukai a chocolate bar for each. Didn’t she say they would receive the same thing? was the thought that crossed Tsuji’s mind but he was at a loss for words so no sound escaped his mouth.
Probably seeing his apparent bewilderment, Hiyami sent Tsuji a wink and put a finger on her lips.
Later, in the evening, Tsuji opened the white box again and found it.
The card read: ‘Specially made for you, my delivery man.’
A laugh slipped from Tsuji’s lips as he reread the card written in neat handwriting. He could imagine Hiyami’s playful smile when she wrote this.
…
Not only on special occasions, Tsuji also often delivered sweets Hiyami had made in her home economics classes to the Tamakoma branch. Obviously, she cooked enough for everyone there and all of her teammates also. Konami and Yotaro had become big fans of those desserts, and Usami sometimes gave back some dorayaki from a famous store as thanks for the treats. Of course, all the exchanges were done via Reiji, Jin or Karasuma because there was no way Tsuji could communicate with the girls.
Spring slowly came to an end and Tsuji welcomed his sophomore year of high school with Hiyami further away from him than before. Due to his academic performance, he was now in class 2-C while Hiyami still maintained her scores to stay in class 2-A. Therefore, they were a classroom apart compared to the next door distance last year. This gave Tsuji a bit of anxiety but he only had himself to blame for not paying attention to his study.
“Consider it as a chance to overcome your weakness.” Inukai said nonchalantly when Tsuji confided in him, “You’ve been depending on Hiyami-chan too much, you know?”
Because Inukai was correct, Tsuji couldn’t argue. However, it was rare for his senpai to be this strict. The disqualification of the squad from the expedition mission had to take a toll on him despite his perpetual smile.
“Inukai-senpai likes airplanes, doesn’t he? How about buying a model for him on his birthday to cheer him up?” Hiyami suggested after Tsuji expressed his concern, “I’ll try baking a cake for him too. What flavor is Inukai-senpai’s favorite again?”
“Hotdog?” Tsuji blurted out before he could think through.
Hiyami gave him a wry smile, “Something that can go with a cake please.”
“Sorry… Inukai-senpai always talks about hotdogs so it’s stuck in my mind.” Tsuji scratched the back of his head sheepishly, “How about grapes?”
“That’s better.” Hiyami nodded. Her smile relaxed into a gentle one. “Let’s do our best to cheer up our senpais.” she said quietly holding up her fist as if to boost her determination.
Noticing the plural but Tsuji didn’t comment on it. “Yes, let’s do this.” he agreed, mimicking Hiyami’s gesture.
…
After the disqualification, Hatohara had closed off entirely. None of her squadmates could get through to her. No matter what they tried to say, she only replied with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and an ‘I’m fine’ in a soft voice.
There had always been a wall around Hatohara ever since their first meeting. That was why Tsuji could easily talk to her. The distance was apparent, so his instinct didn’t react. Her kind nature was also a factor, but there were other nice girls that he could never talk to, so it couldn’t be the main reason.
Over time, the wall was lowered for Hatohara’s teammates, especially Hiyami. Those two often had long chats in the strategy room whenever the guys weren’t around. Tsuji almost walked in on one of those conversations but stopped in time and retreated to wait outside. Inukai came later and waited with him. Only when Ninomiya appeared, they had no choice but to enter the room because it would be absurd to force the captain to stand around in the corridor. Luckily, Hatohara and Hiyami had long finished their talk by that time.
However, that wall was raised again when Hatohara knew their squad couldn’t go on an expedition because of her. And this time, it was so high that no one could pass or see what was on the other side. That was why Inukai was somewhat on edge, because he always kept an eye on everyone and the fact that he couldn’t read Hatohara worried him.
Tsuji knew all of that, but the older members always tried to keep the heavy things from him, so all he could do was pretend that he wasn’t aware. Hiyami was also on the same boat, being the same age as he was.
Therefore, taking Inukai’s incoming birthday as a chance, Tsuji would try his best to lift the squad’s mood. When Inukai’s spirits recovered, he would be able to reach Hatohara, and they would be fine again like before. Inukai was capable of that. Tsuji just knew it.
Now that Tsuji had the latest airplane model in hand, wrapped beautifully in cerulean paper resembling the sky; and Hiyami brought with her the delicious green grape tart. Inukai would definitely be happy, and then their plan would end with a great success.
Right?
There was no hole in that plan whatsoever.
So they couldn’t fail…
… could they?
“… Evidence that they used a trigger… Remains haven’t been found… So they were probably captured…”
The rain drowned out Inukai’s voice talking to the families of the missing people. Tsuji couldn’t hear anything despite standing only two steps behind. He looked at Ninomiya’s back, then moved his gaze to his senpai and kept doing that until the conversation ended with the door slammed shut on their faces.
While Ninomiya was talking to the police, Tsuji got in the back seat of the car and Inukai joined him a few moments later. They sat in silence. Tsuji glanced at his senpai a few times but Inukai’s expression stayed the same the whole time. There was no sorrow or anger, but no trace of a smile also. It was blank.
However, before Tsuji could think of something to say, Inukai opened his mouth first, like he always did. “Hey, Tsuji-chan,” he called. Tsuji turned to him instantly; and to Tsuji’s surprise, a smile played on his lips, “The airplane model you chose is exquisite.”
Tsuji’s eyes widened. What was Inukai talking about? Even with his brain working at its maximum capacity, he couldn’t fathom what his senpai was trying to say. Therefore, he could only mumble: “… what?”
“I opened your gift as soon as I came home last evening.” Inukai said in a calm voice, like he was telling a story to a kid, “It surprised me because I had had my eyes on it for some time but still hadn’t made up my mind to buy it because of the price. You know, I’m bad at managing my money.” He shrugged, chuckling. “I was- ah no, I am really happy with that gift. I’m still thinking of giving Tsuji-chan a tight hug as a thank-you now.” A playful hint glinted in his teal eyes. “Do you mind if I hug you now? I’m a bit wet though-”
“What are you talking about, Inukai-senpai?” Unable to stand it anymore, Tsuji interrupted, giving Inukai an incredulous look, “Why are you smiling? Why are you talking about your birthday gift?”
“What am I supposed to talk about then?” Inukai asked back, his eyes narrowed.
Tsuji opened his mouth but couldn’t get anything out. His mind was in turmoil.
“See, you can’t come up with anything.” Inukai chuckled, “So let me talk about my birthday gifts.”
“But…” Tsuji pressed his lips together. But I want you to talk about it when you’re truly happy. Yet Tsuji couldn’t force that sentence out of his dry throat.
“I’m happy, Tsuji-chan. Truly.” As if reading his thoughts, Inukai said.
When Tsuji lowered his head, he felt Inukai’s hand patting it ever so gently.
“Hiyami-chan’s grape tart is superb also.” Inukai continued as Tsuji squeezed his eyes shut, “I can feel the love from both of your gifts…” he paused, combing Tsuji’s hair slowly, “So, can Tsuji-chan look after Hiyami-chan today?”
“Huh?” Tsuji blurted out in confusion but couldn’t open his eyes or lift his head because the urge to cry was too overwhelming. If he looked at Inukai’s bitter smile now, he would burst out in tears.
“I have to accompany Ninomiya-san later; I won’t have time to talk with Hiyami-chan.” Inukai explained in a soft voice. The fingers running through Tsuji’s hair were firm but he could feel some stiffness in the movement as if Inukai was forcing himself to stay strong. “Can you do it for me, Tsuji-chan?” he confirmed again.
Biting his lower lip to prevent the emotion surge, Tsuji gave a strong nod. “I can.” he whispered soundlessly.
…
Tsuji was dropped off in front of the strategy room while Inukai was following Ninomiya to assist him despite the captain’s order for him to rest. Staring at the two older teammates until they were out of sight, Tsuji touched the panel beside the door to open it.
The room was dark and quiet. The only light Tsuji’s eyes picked up came from the Operator room. The steady keyboard typing sounds echoed in the vast room. As soon as Tsuji turned on the light of the main room, the keyboard sound abruptly stopped, followed by the noise of the swivel chair rolling harshly on the floor. Hiyami rushed out of her room but halted at the doorway when there was only Tsuji appearing in her sight.
“Good morning, Hiyami-san.” A quiet voice found its way out of Tsuji’s mouth, startling even himself.
Hiyami’s face was as white as a sheet when she kept scanning Tsuji from top to toe as if making sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Only after a minute, she seemed to remember that Tsuji had said something. “Ah… Hi, Tsuji-kun.” she said weakly, taking a few steps forward, “Where are…” She stopped, pressing her lips together.
“Ninomiya-san is attending a meeting with the commanders. Inukai-senpai is assisting him.” Tsuji reported monotonously, not knowing where he had mustered the strength to talk without shaking, “And there is still no information regarding Hatohara-senpai.”
Silence reigned in the room after Tsuji finished his speech. Hiyami didn’t move from her spot. Her already white face turned a hue paler. Tsuji didn’t know what face he was making but based on the way Hiyami stared at him, he guessed he didn’t look any better.
What should he do? The question circled in Tsuji’s mind but he was unable to find an answer. Inukai had asked him to stay by Hiyami’s side, which meant there was something he could do, right? But what exactly was that? Tsuji wasn’t good with words, even worse when the other party was the opposite gender. So what could he do for Hiyami?
Nothing.
Exactly like what he could do to keep everything from falling apart: Nothing.
“T-Tsuji-kun!”
Snapping back to his senses when a hand touched his cheek, Tsuji almost jumped backward, finding Hiyami was right in front of him. However, the warmth from the small palm held him in place. Only then, he realized how cold he was in the suit soaked by rain. His whole body was trembling from heat loss. Hiyami had probably noticed it at some point so she had approached and called out to him.
“You’re freezing! Come with me!”
Hiyami hastily grabbed Tsuji’s wrist and pulled him towards the kitchenette. Her strength was far from enough to drag him so he followed her steps on his own accord. When they reached the destination, Hiyami released her hold and started working on something that Tsuji’s mind didn’t quite follow. After a few minutes, she came back with a cup decorated with a dinosaur pattern.
“Tsuji-kun, please drink this.” Hiyami said, pulling Tsuji’s hand and placing the cup inside his palm.
The temperature was just right so he held onto the warm cup and slowly lifted it to his face. The smell of green tea calmed his nerves bit by bit. Taking a sip, Tsuji felt like he was alive again. He had never known the rain in May could be this cold.
Eventually, the mess of thoughts in Tsuji’s head settled. He still couldn’t think straight about several matters but he was more aware of his surroundings now. Standing around at the kitchenette wasn’t very comfortable so they had moved to the table in front of the monitor in the main room where they always held their strategy meetings. Tsuji was in his usual seat while Hiyami took Inukai’s chair because it was beside Tsuji.
“So… Hatohara-senpai has really gone.” Hiyami said, taking a sip from her cup of tea.
Tsuji gave a solemn nod.
“After submitting all the information related to Hatohara-senpai according to the order, I tried checking her trigger signal several times, hoping it was just a failure of the system.” Hiyami let out a long sigh, “But it wasn’t.”
“She’s gone…” Tsuji repeated to ruminate the true meaning of those words. “Even her family wasn’t aware of her plan.” he mumbled.
“So there was no way we could’ve known, is there?” Hiyami lowered her eyes to the table. However, before Tsuji could agree, she let out a bitter chuckle. “No, sorry… I lied.” she said in a quiet voice as she let out a shaky breath.
Tsuji gave the Operator a confused gaze but Hiyami wasn’t looking at him.
“Hatohara-senpai has been talking about another way to go to the Neighbor world…” Hiyami continued, holding tightly onto her cup, “… I should’ve guessed… I should’ve told Ninomiya-san… I… I could’ve…” Her voice shook so badly that the remainder of the sentence was incomprehensible. Her small and fragile shoulders trembled violently.
The moment the first drop of tears rolled down Hiyami’s cheek, Tsuji reached out and wiped it away with his clumsy hand. Hiyami turned halfway to him in surprise and he was met with a pair of glassy sapphire orbs. As they were gazing at each other, more tears rolled down the pale cheeks. Tsuji wiped them away diligently, drop by drop, until his hand was also soaked with tears and could only smear water onto Hiyami’s face instead of cleaning it.
“Please don’t blame yourself, Hiyami-san.” Tsuji mumbled softly, retrieving his hand upon noticing that he was only staining her pretty face. However, Hiyami caught his hand and pressed the wet palm onto her cheek firmly. “H-Hiyami-san.” Tsuji blurted out in bafflement.
“You too… Tsuji-kun.” Hiyami choked out, “Don’t blame yourself…” She squeezed her eyes shut. Tears rained down her cheeks. “We’ve done… everything we could…”
And a drop of water rolled down Tsuji’s face, as scorching as the sun that Tsuji had wished to see for more than once while standing under sky covered in dark clouds.
…
Following Hatohara’s disappearance, the Ninomiya squad was demoted to B-rank. Their strategy room was modified to be smaller but they were allowed to keep the interior design. Hatohara’s personal effects were stored in carton boxes and placed in a corner of the Operator room, according to Hiyami’s wishes.
“I want to feel close to Hatohara-senpai.” was Hiyami’s answer when being asked why they didn’t send Hatohara’s belongings to her house.
Wanting or not, everyone eventually returned to their normal life and the season changed. The everyday heavy clouds were replaced by the bright blue sky. Tsuji was glad he could finally give the umbrella a rest. However, the sun he was seeking was still nowhere to be seen.
Ever since the incident, Hiyami had stopped sending out random desserts to the Tamakoma branch. She didn’t even touch the gift she had bought in April to prepare for Karasuma’s birthday in May. That gift box, wrapped in indigo paper and decorated with little stars, was left on the top of the carton boxes in the Operator room, like a painful reminder that Hiyami still hadn’t gotten over the wound Hatohara had left behind.
Because Hiyami had always talked about it with sparkles in her eyes, Tsuji remembered Karasuma’s birthday by heart: 9th May. Therefore, on 5th September, he took off with the gift, biking straight to the Tamakoma branch without telling anyone.
By the time Tsuji returned to the squad’s strategy room, Hiyami was already waiting for him with her arms crossed and her eyes condemning.
“Karasuma-kun said ‘Thank you’.” Tsuji reported.
Hiyami sent him one of her worst frowns without saying anything. However, when Tsuji turned around to walk to his locker, she called: “Tsuji-kun. Why did you do that?”
“A gift is meant to be sent.” He answered vaguely, continuing to walk to his locker. Footsteps followed him.
“A gift is meant to be sent on the correct date.” Hiyami corrected him with a strict voice.
“Today is the correct date.” Tsuji said nonchalantly.
“No it isn’t.” Hiyami sounded exasperated. Even without looking, he could imagine her irritated expression. “Karasuma-kun’s birthday is on 9th May, not 5th September.”
“Oh. I don’t know. Since you only noted ‘05/09’, I thought it was 5th September.” Tsuji lied.
There was a silent moment. If Tsuji turned around, he would definitely meet with the face saying that Hiyami knew he was lying, so he remained in the same position, feigning ignorance.
“Even a kid wouldn’t mistake that…” Hiyami grumbled.
“I’m sorry.” He apologized monotonously.
“You clearly aren’t.”
“…”
“Now Karasuma-kun will think that I’m weird for making such an elementary mistake.”
“…”
“Tsuji-kun is an idiot!” Hiyami yelled.
And the room fell into silence. Tsuji could hear Hiyami panting, probably because she wasn’t used to getting angry. The urge to turn around and bow his head to apologize was almost unbearable, but somehow he resisted it by biting his lower lip.
Ah… because the last time he had bit his lip was when Inukai had entrusted him with the mission of taking care of Hiyami. Yet in the end, the one who had gotten comforted had been Tsuji himself.
“Yes, I’m an idiot.” A strong voice forced its way out of Tsuji’s mouth, surprising the Operator standing behind him. He could hear a startled ‘ah’ from Hiyami’s soft tone. “Because I’m an idiot, I was dropped from class B to class C.”
“Wh-What-” Hiyami stuttered confusedly.
Tsuji finally spun around, facing his Operator. “You’re right, Hiyami-san. I’m an idiot.” he repeated, earning a troubled look from Hiyami. “That’s why I never understand why Hiyami-san keeps pretending to be fine after everything.”
Hiyami’s eyes widened. “Wh-What are you t-talking about?” she stumbled over her words.
“Hiyami-san was crying that day, but after I started crying too, you began to comfort me. You wiped your own tears and said that you were fine now, and that I could let out my restrained emotions.” Tsuji continued, venting out his frustration, “But you weren’t… aren’t fine. Ninomiya-san isn’t fine. Inukai-senpai isn’t fine. I am not fine… Why are we pretending to be fine when none of us is? I don’t understand!”
As soon as his speech stopped, Tsuji started panting also. The pent up emotions flooded out at once and he didn’t know how to contain it anymore. His heart hammered in his chest and he could feel the back of his eyes burning. Shaking his head to chase away the urge to cry, Tsuji stared at Hiyami who hastily dodged his look.
“Hiyami-san told me that I could let loose my emotions; why don’t you also do that?” Tsuji questioned, taking a step forward, “Are you trying to take care of me like Ninomiya-san and Inukai-senpai too?”
“I-I did…” Hiyami argued weakly, “I cried in front of Tsuji-kun, didn’t I?”
“You did but you stopped right away.”
“Because I’ve cried enough.” she reasoned, “Didn’t Tsuji-kun also stop after a few moments?”
Tsuji shook his head, “Please don’t lie to me, Hiyami-san.”
“I’m not lying.” Hiyami said defensively, taking a step backwards, still refusing to meet his eyes.
“If you really let out all of your suppressed emotions, you wouldn’t leave Karasuma-kun’s gift lying around like that.”
“It’s because I was busy, and when I remembered, it was past the date.”
“How about the sweets you often bake for him?”
“It was the rainy season; I couldn’t ask Tsuji-kun to deliver small treats to the Tamakoma branch, could I?”
“What’s about the small talks you often give me whenever you plan the gifts you want to give him in the future?”
With every step Tsuji took forward, Hiyami backed away at the same pace, as if they were in a silent dance, waltzing across the strategy room. Only when Hiyami’s back touched the wall, they stopped and stared at each other. The last question hung heavily in the air.
Since the first Christmas gift, Hiyami had taken on the habit of asking for Tsuji’s opinion about what boys would like to receive. Obviously, Tsuji had been more than happy to be of assistance. The fact that he had two brothers was a huge boost for the variety of the ideas. However, after Hatohara’s incident, Hiyami had stopped coming to him altogether. It was as if she was too occupied to spare a moment for whatever used to be important to her.
And Tsuji couldn’t watch it without taking action any longer.
“Hiyami-san looks the happiest when you talk about Karasuma-kun.” Tsuji spoke up when Hiyami didn’t show any sign of answering his prior question. “Please talk about him again. Please ask me to deliver gifts to him again. I don’t care about weather or distance; as long as it can bring joy to Hiyami-san, I’ll do it.” He reached out and grabbed the delicate hands into his palms, squeezing them gently. “I miss Hiyami-san’s smile.”
The pair of sapphire eyes opened widely and then Hiyami’s face churned up. The platinum eyebrows furrowed. The pair of sakura-colored lips pressed together as tears started to form at the corner of her eyes.
“Tsuji-kun…” she whispered, gripping his hands so tightly that her knuckles turned white, “I miss Hatohara-senpai… I really miss her…”
“I know.” Tsuji soothed, giving Hiyami an understanding smile, “I know, Hiyami-san. I miss her too.”
“I’m sorry…”
The remainder of the sentence was drowned out by Hiyami’s sobbing. With both hands occupied, Tsuji could only whisper comforts. The warmth from the tips of those delicate fingers sipped into his hands and warmed him up from the bottom of his heart that had been frozen in the freezing rain of that cloudy morning.
…
“Hmm… Is that a Christmas gift for Hiyami-chan?”
Tsuji jolted backwards. His shoulder collided with something hard, forcing out an ‘ugh’ from the owner of the previous question. He hastily turned around and bowed his head slightly, apologizing to Inukai, who was holding his chin in pain.
“It’s my fault for startling you.” Inukai reassured as he got into his seat beside Tsuji at the table in the strategy room. “So… what are you looking at?” he asked with a knowing smile. His gaze moved from Tsuji’s face to the magazine on the table.
Tsuji hastily closed it but Inukai placed his hand in the middle of the page to prevent him. Sending his senpai a frown, he then sighed in his stomach when Inukai smiled back ever so innocently. “I’m just killing time.” he lied.
“So Tsuji-chan is into women's fashion these days?” Inukai grinned, propping his chin with a hand, “I don’t think these accessories would go well with your dinosaurs though.”
“Dinosaurs don’t need accessories.” Tsuji sent his senpai a sideways look.
“Hmm… I think Tsuji-chan is cute but those wouldn’t come with a size for you, I’m afraid.” Inukai said thoughtfully, eyeing the pair of pink gloves printed on the page.
“I’m not buying those for myself.” Tsuji said exasperatedly.
“Oh, you’re planning to buy those?” Inukai’s smile widened, “What’s happened to time killing?”
Staring at the smile stretching on Inukai’s lips, Tsuji felt a sudden urge to pinch his cheek hard enough to get rid of that smile. But of course he didn’t. Instead, Tsuji let out a sigh, “Yes, you’re right, Inukai-senpai. I’m planning to buy a gift for Hiyami-san.” he admitted.
“Honesty suits Tsuji-chan the best, doesn’t it?” Inukai laughed, earning another frown from his kouhai. “Do you want some advice?” he offered, “I often buy gifts for my sisters so I might be able to give you an idea or two.”
There was no longer any teasing hint in the pair of teal eyes so Tsuji decided to reach out for Inukai’s help.
Since the heart to heart talk on 5th September, Hiyami had slowly regained her spirits. The delivery trips to the Tamakoma branch also happened sometimes but still weren't as often as before. A few days ago, she had come to Tsuji for ideas on a Christmas gift, but halfway through the discussion, their conversation had accidentally taken a stir to Hatohara’s well-being.
“I wonder if it’s cold on the other side.” Hiyami said as she gazed into thin air. And Tsuji could only stay silent.
The subject about Hatohara became lighter with more time passing, and they could mention her name every now and then without feeling the tension in the atmosphere; however, there was no denying that a part of them had been lost in the rain that day. Therefore, Tsuji could only do his best to cheer everyone in the squad up whenever he had a chance.
On Ninomiya's birthday at the end of October, Tsuji had given the captain a ginger ale bottle shaped plush he had come across on a shopping trip with his family. While Ninomiya had been massaging his temples, Inukai had choked on his drink and Hiyami had pressed her lips together to hold back her giggles. Tsuji still wondered what he had done wrong by now, but everyone had been enjoying themselves so he guessed it was all good in the end.
Hiyami’s and Inukai’s birthdays were still far away so Tsuji focused on the incoming Christmas and New Year. He’d prepared gifts for Inukai and Ninomiya beforehand; only Hiyami’s was left because he didn’t know what would make her happy. Well… actually he knew, but it wasn’t possible to turn Karasuma into a gift, was it?
“How about a gift from Karasuma-kun?” suggested Inukai after listening to Tsuji’s ramble.
“That would make Hiyami-san smile all year long, I suppose. But it’s wrong to ask him to buy a gift for her, isn’t it?” Tsuji said the same thing he’d been telling his mind whenever ideas related to Karasuma came up.
“Who said anything about asking Karasuma-kun?” Inukai crossed his arms, the usual smile on his lips radiating a strange vibe.
Tsuji gave his senpai a clueless look, totally not understanding what Inukai was getting at.
“Tsuji-chan is the delivery man, right?” Inukai asked, tilting his head slightly to the side, “If you say the gift is from Karasuma-kun, it is from Karasuma-kun.”
Tsuji blinked once, then twice before smacking a hand to his mouth. “Inukai-senpai! You don’t mean…”
“I’m only giving you an idea.” Inukai laughed lightly, “Doing it or not is entirely up to Tsuji-chan.”
“But lying is…” Tsuji pressed his lips together, averting his eyes to the ground.
“A little white lie won’t hurt anyone, will it?”
…
Tsuji had never been that anxious in his life. His whole body was invaded by chills. His breathing was still uneven no matter how many times he regulated it. His heart hammered loudly inside his ribcage and by his ears that it almost drowned out all the noises from his surroundings. His palms inside the gloves were drenched with sweat. Hadn’t he been careful, he’d have already crushed the gift box in his hands at least ten times.
“H-Hiyami-san. This is fr-from Ka-Karasuma-kun.”
Letting out a long sigh for the umpteenth time, Tsuji moved his gaze from the mirror to the present then to the ground. He knew it. He couldn’t do this. As Inukai said, honesty was more of his kind of thing. Lying felt horrible. It stung his tongue with a foreign bitterness that no medicine could be compared with. His throat closed up on every untrue word he said, which made the speech couldn’t sound more suspicious. As he thought, this was impossible.
“Tsuji-chan! What’s up?”
An arm wrapped around Tsuji’s shoulder, sending his heart straight out of his throat. Fortunately, before he could throw a punch, his brain recognized the voice and he only gave the dark-blonde-haired senpai an irritated look.
“Ah, a gift.” Inukai spoke up before Tsuji could complain about his sudden appearance, “Karasuma-kun’s gift for Hiyami-chan?” He asked, tilting his head with a knowing smile.
“I can’t do it.” Tsuji said distressfully, shaking his head, “I can’t lie to her like this.”
“Tsuji-chan is really a good kid, isn’t he?” Inukai grinned amusedly, patting the younger teammate’s head. “Since you went through all the trouble to buy the gift, let me help you out with this final step.” He snatched the box from Tsuji’s grip with a swift movement.
Tsuji sent his senpai an alarmed look, but before he could protest, Inukai put a finger on his lips to silence him.
“Repeat after me, Tsuji-chan.” Inukai said, a mysterious smile stretching on his lips, “That’s right.”
Tsuji raised his eyebrows confusedly.
“Come on, Tsuji-chan, say it.” Inukai urged.
“Say what?” Tsuji frowned, sending his senpai a totally puzzled look.
“That’s right.”
“That’s right?”
“Lower your tone. It isn’t a question.” Inukai corrected.
“That’s right…?” Tsuji tried again, not knowing what he was doing.
“Again.” Inukai requested.
“That’s right.”
“Okay.” Inukai gave an approving nod, “And then nod your head.”
Still entirely clueless but Tsuji gave a nod as demanded.
Inukai smiled brightly. “And that’s all you need to do later,” he said.
…
“That’s right.” Tsuji said and nodded his head.
And that was all it took for the sun he was seeking to rise again in the bright blue sky.
The smile brighter than even the summer sun itself bloomed on Hiyami’s face the moment Inukai handed her the gift box Tsuji was holding onto earlier.
As promised, Inukai did the last step for Tsuji: explaining where the gift came from to Hiyami. And when Hiyami turned to the black-haired teammate for confirmation, he only had to recite the words Inukai’d had him practice in the washroom a while ago.
It was almost magical how Inukai easily made it work when Tsuji was certain that it wasn’t possible.
Because Hiyami would never be able to confirm directly with Karasuma, and she also wouldn’t brag about it with her friends, this lie would never be exposed. It also brought back the smile that had been lost in the rain. Everything fell into the right place with just a simple action.
Inukai was correct. A little white lie wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Yet, for some reason, Tsuji couldn’t find it in him to look at Hiyami. There was something gnawing at his heart, creating a black hole that even the sunshine smile he was so desperately fighting to regain couldn’t light up.
“It worked well, didn’t it?” Inukai whispered.
Wallowing in his own thoughts, Tsuji didn’t answer. Only when Inukai poked him with his foot, Tsuji pressed his lips together and forced out an ‘uhm’ as an acknowledgement.
…
Hiyami liked the gift from Karasuma a lot.
It was a pair of white wool gloves decorated with a little pink ribbon at the wrist. She wore them every day, at school and in the Border HQ despite the cutting edge heating system. She even wanted to modify her trion body to have those gloves but Ninomiya pointed out that would hinder her accuracy on the keyboard so she gave up.
Despite the high frequency of usage, the gloves still looked brand new throughout the whole winter, which meant Hiyami took great care of those. Whenever her friends asked about it, she smiled gently and said that it was a gift from a very important person but never revealed the name.
Whenever Tsuji saw her with the gloves, his eyes immediately wandered away. The black hole he had felt on Christmas had grown into the guilt that squeezed his lungs tightly to the point he couldn’t breathe whenever facing with his favorite smile.
A lie was a lie in the end. The good will accompanying it wouldn’t make it the truth.
Ever since Tsuji was a kid, he was taught that everything built on a falsified foundation would collapse one day. The higher the structure was, the more devastating the destruction would be.
Hiyami was on her peak of happiness with this lie of a gift. Tsuji wouldn’t dare to imagine the consequences when the truth came to light.
“I can’t do this anymore, Inukai-senpai.”
In the last month of winter, after a joyful discussion with Hiyami about the chocolate she would give Karasuma on Valentine’s Day, Tsuji admitted defeat.
Pausing the record of Tamakoma 2’s battle, Inukai put the tab on the table and raised an eyebrow. “What is it, Tsuji-chan?” he asked with his familiar smile.
Tsuji opened his mouth but no sound came out so he clammed up and stared at his folded hands. Since Inukai was the only one beside him knowing about the truth, Tsuji came to him. However, now that he thought about it, if he confided in Inukai about his anxiety, it would sound like he was blaming his senpai for putting him in this sticky situation. Inukai definitely had meant no ill will when he had given the suggestion; and the idea had actually worked out magnificently. It was just Tsuji who couldn’t live with his conscience, so it wouldn’t be right to hold someone else responsible.
“I can understand Tsuji-chan to some extent, but if you don’t speak, I won’t know what you want to express.” Inukai said gently, sending the younger teammate an understanding smile, “So tell me what’s on your mind. Then we can find a solution for it.”
Taking a deep breath, Tsuji looked up to meet the pair of teal eyes. However, the second he set his eyes on the smile on Inukai’s lips, it was clear that the older teammate had already gotten what he wanted to say. “You knew.” Words rolled out from Tsuji’s tongue before he finished thinking.
“Huh?” Inukai lifted an eyebrow.
“Inukai-senpai knew what I was trying to say, right?” Tsuji asked exasperatedly.
Inukai made a long hum. “I have my guess, but if you want the other party to understand what you want to convey, you have to speak.” he said sternly, yet there was still some hint of a smile in his eyes.
Pressing his lips together, Tsuji kept moving his gaze between his tightly folded hands and Inukai’s face. “I…” finally, he made a sound. His voice was much deeper than he had expected, like carrying all the suppressed emotion hidden within. “I can’t continue with this lie any longer…”
“Why?” Inukai prompted, voice light as if he was having a casual conversation.
“It doesn’t feel right…” Tsuji continued, swallowing dryly, “Whenever Hiyami-san smiles at that false gift, I can’t help feeling like I’ve committed a crime. Happiness shouldn’t be based on a lie…”
“I see,” Inukai gave an understanding nod. “I’m sorry for suggesting such a horrible idea to Tsuji-chan.” He lowered his head.
“No, please don’t be.” Tsuji hastily shook his head. “Inukai-senpai only wanted to help me; and I was the one going through with that idea after all.”
Inukai laughed, “Tsuji-chan is really a good kid, isn’t he?”
It was that statement again, but Tsuji couldn’t accept it this time. “No, I’m not. I lied to Hiyami-san. I’m no longer a good person.”
A sigh escaped Inukai’s lips. “It’s hard to be a good person.” he mumbled, leaning on the backrest of his chair. “Do you want to be a good person again, Tsuji-chan?” he asked, making Tsuji snap his head up, not knowing when his gaze had fallen.
“I can’t… can I?” he asked reluctantly. His mistake was irreversible. There was nothing he could do to correct it. Telling Hiyami the truth right now would shatter all the spirits that he had worked so hard to rebuild.
“Do you want to or not?” Inukai frowned, crossing his arms.
“Of course I want to, but-”
“Then turn around and apologize to Hiyami-chan.”
Springing up from his seat, Tsuji spun around immediately. Behind him, Hiyami stood in silence. Her expression was blank, and her sapphire eyes stared straight at him, condemning.
“H-Hiyami-san-”
“These gloves…” Hiyami interrupted Tsuji, holding out her hands wearing a pair of white wool gloves, “… have never been from Karasuma-kun, haven’t they?”
Fright took over all of Tsuji’s being. Chills ran down his spine and he couldn’t move a muscle or mutter a word.
“It was too good to be true after all.” Hiyami chuckled bitterly, “My crush suddenly gifted me the gloves that I’d been wanting to own. What a good dream it was.” She sighed, taking off the gloves one by one and placing them on the table. “It was Inukai-senpai’s idea, wasn’t it?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow.
“Yeah. Sorry, Hiyami-chan.” Inukai said with a slightly regretful voice, “I thought it might cheer you up.”
“Inukai-senpai is terrible.” Hiyami put her hands on her hips, giving the older teammate a narrow look. “Still,” she halted, looking back at Tsuji, “I can’t believe Tsuji-kun would also lie to me.”
No, I didn’t want to. Words stuck at the back of Tsuji’s throat. He tried a few times but couldn’t get out a single sound under Hiyami’s stare. On what basis could he defend himself anyway? He didn’t want to lie to her? What bad joke was that? He had been the one buying the gift and practicing the lie a thousand times, hoping it would go through. And when Inukai had offered to help him through the final step, he hadn’t stopped to consider if it had been right or wrong.
It was all Tsuji’s fault. What did he hope to explain?
While Tsuji was still struggling, Hiyami’s patience ran thin. She let out a huff and turned around, walking back to the Operator room. When Inukai called out to her, she glanced back, saying, “I don’t want to talk to you two.” before disappearing into her quarter.
…
Since then, aside from official business, Hiyami didn’t contact Tsuji even once. Whenever he tried to call out to her at school, she would walk in the opposite direction, not forgetting to grab a female friend to prevent him from approaching. In case of a defense mission, Hiyami would arrive at the strategy room at the exact time and leave right after the dismissal so Tsuji couldn’t catch her for an out-of-work conversation.
It seemed that Inukai also got the same treatment but he could greet her at school without much problem and didn’t shy from stopping her at the end of a meeting for small talks.
So in the end, what stopped Tsuji from reaching Hiyami wasn’t her attitude but his courage.
He wasn’t ready to face her about his wrongdoing.
The tension dragged out for a long time to the point Ninomiya had to call Tsuji in for questions. After hearing his side of the story, the captain called in Hiyami and let him go. And then in the evening of that day, a message reached Tsuji’s phone: ‘Reconcile with Hiyami before the next rank war.’
The deadline was near, yet Tsuji still couldn’t think of a way to approach Hiyami. He’d thought of chasing after her after a meeting but she always made sure to have a fellow Operator accompanying her as soon as she walked out of the room.
“How did I catch Hiyami-chan?” Inukai repeated the question then scratched his cheek, “I just asked her friend to give us some time to talk, but Tsuji-chan can’t do that, can he?”
Tsuji lowered his gaze to the ground in disappointment. It was always Hiyami who protected him from the girls, so obviously she knew how to keep him away.
“Do you want my help?” Inukai offered, “I can keep Hiyami-chan’s friends busy for at least an hour.”
Tsuji shook his head. Having Inukai helping him would be the best solution, but somewhere in him knew this was the hurdle he had to overcome by himself. “I’ll ask for your help if I still can’t talk to her when the deadline comes.” he said and Inukai gave him an encouraging smack on the back.
…
“Tsuji-senpai, wait a minute!” Karasuma called out as soon as Tsuji was about to walk out of the main door of the Tamakoma branch building.
Turning around, Tsuji gave the younger boy a questioning look.
Karasuma took a few long strides to reach Tsuji and held out the white paper bag that Tsuji could recognize immediately. “It seems this isn’t a gift for me,” he said.
“Huh?” Tsuji blurted out confusedly.
“Please look at the card inside.”
Receiving the bag from Karasuma, Tsuji took a peek inside. On the blue heart-shaped box was a small white card. A gasp escaped Tsuji’s mouth the moment he laid eyes on the first few words: ‘To Tsuji-kun…’
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” said Tsuji quickly as he dashed out of the Tamakoma branch.
Karasuma bid him goodbye and waved his hand but Tsuji didn’t even look back.
Stomping on the pedal, Tsuji took advantage of the fairly empty street and accelerated his bike to its maximum speed, heading straight back to the HQ.
Half an hour ago, in the Ninomiya squad’s strategy room, Tsuji had found this white bag on the table in front of his seat. Knowing today being Valentine’s Day, he had only taken a quick look inside. When the heart-shaped box had come into sight, he’d immediately taken off to the Tamakoma branch, hoping he could use this chance to talk to Hiyami after the usual report.
Usually, whenever Hiyami asked for a delivery, she would include a portion for Tsuji. In case of a gift on a special occasion, Tsuji also got a present specially dedicated to her delivery man – as Hiyami always stated. There had never been a case where Hiyami only gave Tsuji the gift for Karasuma. There were always two – portions, gifts or whatever – but never one. Yet because of their currently strained relationship, Tsuji had assumed that Hiyami had canceled his share.
It had never crossed his mind that the sole gift had been meant for him, because… there was no way Hiyami could prioritize him over Karasuma, was there? Wait, he was getting ahead of himself. Hiyami not asking him to deliver didn’t mean there was no gift prepared for Karasuma. She might’ve asked Inukai or one of her Operator friends like Usami.
But then, why did she bother to leave a gift for Tsuji? He wasn’t the delivery man this time.
As his brain was still processing the information, Tsuji arrived at the HQ. Thankfully, there weren’t many vehicles on the street or it would have been too dangerous to let his mind wander while biking. On the walk back to the strategy room, he took out the card. The familiar neat handwriting eased his chaotic mind for a few seconds.
‘To Tsuji-kun,
When you see this message, please meet me on the rooftop of the HQ.’
Blurting out a curse upon finishing reading, Tsuji made a dash towards the elevator.
It had been almost an hour since the moment he had misunderstood the target of the gift. How long had Hiyami been waiting for him on the rooftop? It was February but the weather was still cold at this time of the day. Hiyami’s old gloves were worn-out and she probably had discarded the new gloves. There would be nothing to protect her delicate hands against the cold wind on the rooftop…
No, calm down. Hiyami wouldn’t be silly enough to wait for Tsuji this long. She might’ve gone home already when Tsuji hadn’t shown up after ten minutes or so. Yes, there wouldn’t be anyone waiting for him on the rooftop.
“Ah, finally.”
As soon as the elevator door opened, Tsuji was greeted by a familiar voice.
“Inukai-senpai?” he blurted out in surprise, “What are you doing here?”
Inukai blew out a warm breath that turned white in the low temperature. “Do you still have time to question my action?” he lifted an eyebrow, unamused.
“Ah.” Tsuji smacked a hand to his forehead, “Sorry, Inukai-senpai. I have to find Hiyami-san now. Talk to you later.”
“That’s better.” Inukai smiled.
Not very far from the elevator, by the safety fences, was the small figure that Tsuji couldn’t mistake for anyone else. Running towards Hiyami, Tsuji called out her name, feeling like it had been so long since the last time he was allowed to say those familiar words. She turned around. The pair of sapphire eyes widened a little bit but soon mellowed into a gentle gaze.
“Tsuji-kun, you’ve finally come.” said Hiyami in a tender tone when Tsuji stopped beside her.
“I’m… sorry…” he said breathlessly, “I thought the gift… was for Karasuma-kun… so I went to the Tamakoma branch-”
“Take a deep breath first.” Hiyami said reassuringly, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Listening to Hiyami, Tsuji steadily regulated his breathing. After a minute, he could finally stop panting although his heart was still beating faster than usual.
“I’m sorry for letting you wait for a long time.” he started again, “I mistook the receiver so I-”
Hiyami’s giggles interrupted his speech. “I figured you might’ve made that mistake.” she said, covering her laugh with a hand, “That’s why I’m still here waiting for you.”
“But it’s cold-” Tsuji halted. Only now he noticed Hiyami’s getup. On her head, covering a part of her platinum hair was a white beanie hat with a pink ribbon on the back. Wrapping around her neck was a white scarf; and there was a black trench coat keeping her body warm. Finally, protecting her hands were – surprisingly – the pair of gloves that Tsuji had thought she had discarded.
“It isn’t.” Hiyami shook her head.
But the cold was no longer Tsuji’s concern. “The gloves…” he blurted out, “I thought you-”
“Threw them away?” Hiyami finished the sentence for him. Tsuji gave a hesitant nod. “How could I treat the gift I love most like that?”
“But they aren’t from Karasuma-kun-”
“Tsuji-kun,” Hiyami interrupted Tsuji again with a quieter voice, sending him a melancholic smile, “I’m sorry. I’m also a liar.”
A moment of silence passed before Tsuji made a confused ‘huh’. However, Hiyami didn’t show any sign of taking back her words or cracking a joke. So he had no choice but to confirm. “Pardon?” he requested.
Hiyami lowered her gaze to the ground. “I know you’ve heard me clearly, but I’ll say it again.” she said, folding her hands, “I’m also a liar. I also deceived Tsuji-kun. I’m really sorry.”
Although Hiyami’s voice was soft to the point of almost inaudible, Tsuji heard every single word loud and clear. However, his brain couldn’t process the newly obtained information. Which lie was Hiyami talking about? When had she ever deceived him about anything? No matter how hard Tsuji tried to think, he came up empty handed.
Fortunately, Hiyami didn’t leave him hanging. “The truth is…” she continued, her voice falling lower and lower, “… I’ve already known the gloves weren’t from Karasuma-kun since a day after Christmas.”
Silence reigned on the vast rooftop. The evening wind had picked up but Tsuji couldn’t hear anything aside from the shocking confession that kept echoing in his ears.
Hiyami knew all along.
But then her actions didn’t make any sense. If she had known the gift hadn’t been from her crush, why had she been that happy? Why had she treasured it? Why had she been lying to everyone that she had gotten it from her important person? And… why had she been angry after finding out that Tsuji had lied?
“I don’t understand…” was all Tsuji could say with all the questions popping up inside his head.
In front of him, Hiyami slowly lifted her head. Guilt filled the pair of sapphire eyes, making them darken like the depth of the ocean. “I’m sorry…” she repeated in a shaky voice, “I… didn’t mean to lie-”
“Please stop apologizing and explain to me, Hiyami-san!” Even Tsuji was startled by his own shouting.
Hiyami jumped backwards a bit. Fear clouded her expression. Knowing he had just let his confusion get the better of him, Tsuji hastily smacked a hand to his mouth and started counting his breaths. He rarely lost his composure but one time he had, Inukai had taught him the way to calm down. His breathing was quick due to the anger, so count up to fifteen. Then when the pace becomes steadier, count to ten, then take five deep breaths.
After all the steps, Tsuji felt the prior agitation dissipated, leaving only the regret for exploding and scaring Hiyami.
“I’m sorry.” Tsuji bowed down, “But I still can’t understand Hiyami-san’s actions, so please tell me your whole story.”
Waiting for a few seconds, then Tsuji lifted his head. Hiyami also seemed to calm down. Her expression was still apologetic but her eyes were no longer dim.
“Should we go back to our strategy room first?” suggested Hiyami out of the blue. “My story could be a bit long so you might catch a cold, dressing lightly like this.” she explained sheepishly when Tsuji gave her a clueless look.
It was true that Tsuji only had a jacket outside his school uniform to shield him from the cold and no scarf or gloves whatsoever. However, he didn’t feel the cold one bit, probably because of forty five minutes of biking back and forth between the HQ and the Tamakoma branch, not to mention the earlier anger. “I’m fine.” he said, waving his hand dismissively.
“If you say so.” Hiyami didn’t try to argue. Instead, she walked towards Tsuji, stopping when they were only a step apart, and undid her scarf. “Put this on first.” she said as she threw the scarf over his neck.
“But-”
“I’m warm enough; don’t worry.” reassured Hiyami with a gentle smile. “Be careful with that scarf though. Inukai-senpai wouldn’t be happy if it’s ruined this early.” she warned when Tsuji fumbled with the white scarf.
“Huh? This belongs to Inukai-senpai?” he asked confusedly, sniffing the scarf, “It only smells like Hiyami-san though.”
“Wh-What are you saying, Tsuji-kun?!” Hiyami backed off several steps. A violent blush spread across her face.
Smacking a hand to his mouth upon realization, Tsuji snapped his face to the side. “I-I mean your perfume.” he hastily corrected, stumbling over his words as heat rose to his cheeks, “Inukai-senpai’s belongings tend to have the strong scent of his cologne.”
Hiyami didn’t answer so Tsuji also stopped talking. They stayed in an awkward silence for a while. Then Tsuji rolled the scarf loosely around his neck. The faint sweet fragrance of Hiyami’s perfume made his heart beat at a faster pace than usual despite his efforts to regain his composure.
“That scarf is the Christmas gift from Inukai-senpai.” Hiyami’s voice pulled Tsuji’s gaze back. There was a light pink color on her cheeks but she seemed calm enough to continue the conversation.
“I see.” he acknowledged, adjusting the scarf to hide a part of his face.
There was a quiet moment again, but it was no longer uncomfortable. Since both Tsuji and Hiyami weren’t people of many words, this kind of moment often occurred whenever Inukai wasn’t around. However, neither of them was bothered by it, if not saying Tsuji even enjoyed the brief tranquility sometimes.
“On the topic about Christmas, maybe I can start with how I found out about the truth of these gloves.” Hiyami started again, lifting her right hand and admiring the fluffy fabric. Tsuji followed her gaze. “At first, I also believed it was from Karasuma-kun because Tsuji-kun confirmed it.” She halted, eyebrows slightly furrowed, “Unlike Inukai-senpai, Tsuji-kun would never lie to me when it’s important. So… I was elated. You know, the feeling when your long efforts finally bear fruit. I thought that Karasuma-kun had finally noticed me. But turns out, it wasn’t true…”
“I’m sorry.” Tsuji choked out, feeling his eyebrows knitted into a line. It hadn’t occurred to him at that time, but listening to Hiyami now, what he had done was beyond horrible.
“Please don’t be.” Hiyami reassured tenderly, taking a step forward. “It wasn’t as devastating as you’re imagining.” She giggled. “I’m not delusional enough to believe in such a miracle.”
“But didn’t you just-”
“Yes, I was elated… for an hour or so.” Hiyami corrected, “After that, when I thought about it more rationally, it couldn’t be possible. And then, when I came home and opened all the presents, it was apparent.” There was some amusement glinting in the depth of her sapphire eyes as she gazed at Tsuji almost benevolently. “Tsuji-kun, didn’t you think that giving me a hat that goes together with these gloves as a set would make it too obvious?”
Tsuji blinked. Once, then twice and then realization dawned on him.
After deciding to push through with the lie, Tsuji bought the gloves that Hiyami had often told him about. However, that was only Karasuma’s gift; Tsuji still had to prepare something for Hiyami. Without a plan in mind, he was convinced by the storekeeper when they suggested the beanie hat, saying it would make a lovely combo with the gloves he’d purchased. And that was how Hiyami was in possession of the current winter set.
“I’m an idiot…” Tsuji mumbled, putting a hand over his face.
Hiyami tried hard to muffle her giggles but failed miserably. As she was laughing, Tsuji wanted to dig a hole and bury himself for this stupid blunder. However, thanks to that, the tension in the air diminished. Tsuji felt his shoulders relaxed and his breathings became steady. When the series of laughter ceased, Hiyami’s complexion also greatly improved.
“You see, it didn’t take a detective to draw a conclusion,” said Hiyami as she chuckled.
“Please stop making fun of me, Hiyami-san.” Burying his face into his palms, Tsuji mumbled embarrassedly.
“Sorry, sorry.” Hiyami apologized and then proceeded with her story, “Since Tsuji-kun made that obvious mistake, I figured you couldn’t be the mastermind. Therefore, on the next day, I confronted Inukai-senpai. Surprisingly, he admitted it without putting up a fight.”
“Huh?” Tsuji blurted out, “Inukai-senpai admitted?”
“Surprising right?”
“Yes, it is, but…” Tsuji frowned, “… he never told me that you’d found out.” An uncomfortable feeling expanded in his chest. Why didn’t Inukai tell him anything? Was it amusing to see him struggling with guilt every day?
“Because you didn’t ask him, did you?” Hiyami guessed, holding her chin in contemplation. Tsuji gave her a puzzled look. “Isn’t Inukai-senpai always like that? He never tells you anything on his own unless you ask him the right question.”
Wanting to argue but deep down Tsuji knew Hiyami was correct. Inukai seemed talkative but it was actually not easy to get information from him. And Tsuji really never asked his senpai if their lie was exposed. Still, Inukai could’ve helped him out a bit, couldn’t he? What had he been struggling so long for?
“I’ll eat all his grapes in the fridge tomorrow.” Tsuji grumbled begrudgingly, crossing his arms.
“Inukai-senpai might eat your cream puffs in revenge; is it okay?” Hiyami giggled, tilting her head playfully.
“I’ll eat my cream puffs first then his grapes later.”
“Aw, I can’t wait to see Inukai-senpai crying about his stolen snacks.”
They joked around for a bit and then returned to the original topic.
“If Hiyami-san had already found out everything, why didn’t you confront me also?” Tsuji finally reached the question he had been meaning to ask.
Hiyami didn’t answer right away but leaned on the fences and let out a sigh. “I should have, shouldn’t I?” she whispered wistfully, “But Inukai-senpai told me that all of this was done because Tsuji-kun wanted to cheer me up, so I thought that… if I continued to pretend to be deceived, maybe that would put Tsuji-kun’s mind at ease…” Her voice fell lower and lower. “Maybe that could stop you from worrying about me…”
Silence reigned on the rooftop again. Nothing came to Tsuji’s head to reply to Hiyami’s confession. So… Hiyami had put together an act out of her concern for him, exactly like how he had lied in hope to see her honest smile once again…
“What have we been doing?” Tsuji smacked a hand to his forehead, letting out a joyless laugh.
“I know right.” Hiyami joined him, “Had I known that lie has been hurting you the whole time, I would’ve confronted you much earlier.” She sighed, looking at Tsuji, who gazed back with a similar smile. “I guess we’re both idiots.”
“Yes, we are.”
…
The talk came to an end when the evening gales became unforgiving. Tsuji walked back to the strategy room with Hiyami by his side. They weren’t people of many words but today, their chat didn’t cease for even a second, as if they were regaining the time they had lost because of their own stupidity.
It turned out that on the day Tsuji’s lie was exposed, Hiyami was angry at herself rather than at Tsuji or Inukai. She blamed herself for being too full of her own judgment and not noticing Tsuji’s conflicts. Had Tsuji known Hiyami had been acting, he would have gone through the same self-hating process. However, Hiyami’s act was first rate so he was spared the agony.
“It must’ve been hard to pretend to be happy when the gift isn’t from your crush, mustn’t it?” said Tsuji guiltily.
“Ah no, it was easy actually.” Hiyami shook her head.
“How?” Tsuji tilted his head to the side confusedly.
“I don’t know when it started but I care less and less about the presents for Karasuma-kun and focus on what Tsuji-kun might like.” Hiyami explained, “I adjusted the flavors of the sweets according to your preference, spent more time on the gifts for you… and so on. Therefore, when I know that the gloves are from Tsuji-kun, it’s easy to be happy. I don’t think that I was acting when I said that they’re a gift from a very important person.”
“Wait, Hiyami-san.” Tsuji interrupted. His face suddenly felt very hot and he couldn’t look at his Operator.
“Yes?”
“It might be assumptious but… Hiyami-san is sounding like…” Words stuck in his throat. He couldn’t continue.
“… sounding like I’m having a crush on Tsuji-kun?” Hiyami supplied.
Snapping his head to Hiyami, Tsuji couldn’t see her face because she was facing the other side. However, her movements were stiff and almost robotic, which clearly showed the tension she was experiencing.
“Y-Yes…” Tsuji stuttered, averting his eyes to the side also. His face was literally burning.
They walked in an embarrassing silence for a while and would probably reach the strategy room after a few minutes without being able to look at each other, let alone to talk. However, a piece of advice crossed Tsuji’s mind.
‘If you want the other party to understand what you want to convey, you have to speak.’
“H-Hiyami-san.” Tsuji called out, mustering all his courage to look in the direction of the Operator.
At the sudden call, Hiyami turned around in reflex. Sapphire met amethyst. And the two beet red faces reflected in each other’s eyes.
“It-It’s never been about cheering you up.” Tsuji continued, stumbling over his words as his heartbeats quickened with every second passing, “I went through with Inukai-senpai’s idea because I – for once – wanted to be the source of your happiness.”
“Wh-What do you mean?” Hiyami stuttered confusedly.
“It’s always been Karasuma-kun who brings out your brightest smile, so I thought that if you were happy with the gloves I bought, then I could win over him this one time…” Tsuji trailed off, clenching his fists so tightly they turned white, “… but I was too naïve. How could I ever hope to win against Karasuma-kun when it was his name that I had to borrow? Therefore, aside from the guilt of lying, I felt… defeated.” Taking in a deep breath, he pressed his lips together, fighting back the urge to avert his eyes away from Hiyami’s baffled face. “It was frustrating, so I didn’t want to continue the lie… It was all about me… I’m not as kind as Hiyami-san-”
“Tsuji-kun!”
Startled by the shout, Tsuji bit back the words about to roll out from his mouth. A gentle hand touched the back of his right fist, and then Hiyami held his hand in both of her small palms.
“Loosen your grip.” Hiyami appealed, giving Tsuji a firm gaze, “You’re bleeding.”
Only then, Tsuji noticed the dull pain in the middle of his palm where his nails had dug into. Following Hiyami’s instruction, he slowly opened his hand. There were four small cuts with blood at the rims but they seemed to stop bleeding the moment his nails were removed.
“The other hand, too.” Hiyami demanded.
Tsuji complied quietly.
After making sure all the wounds had stopped bleeding, Hiyami released Tsuji’s hands.
“Tsuji-kun seems calm but actually not very good at dealing with intense emotions, isn’t he?” said Hiyami as she took a step backwards and put her hands on her hips, “You even hurt yourself without realizing.”
Averting his eyes to the ground, Tsuji bowed his head, “I’m sorry…”
“Apologize to yourself.”
Tsuji pressed his lips together, not knowing what to respond. Hiyami was spot on. Because he was always calm, intense emotions were overwhelming and he often didn’t know what to do in those cases.
“About what you were saying earlier, I think you’re being too hard on yourself.” Hiyami started, probably because Tsuji didn’t show any sign of talking. “Yes, you might have some reason that wasn’t very selfless, but it didn’t make everything you did selfish. At the end of the day, isn’t your final goal to make me smile? And I think that shows enough of Tsuji-kun’s kindness.”
“But…”
“No buts.” Hiyami said firmly, making Tsuji lift his head because she sounded like Ninomiya for a second. “I’m not allowing anyone to say bad things about my crush, even Tsuji-kun himself.”
Tsuji’s eyes widened while Hiyami’s face turned redder and redder over time.
After ten seconds, Hiyami covered her beet red face with both hands. “Why aren’t you saying anything, Tsuji-kun?” she mumbled, sounding like she wanted to cry, “It’s so embarrassing I could die. Please stop staring at me and start talking.”
It wasn’t like Tsuji didn’t want to say anything but he simply couldn’t. Even the will to look away from Hiyami’s cute expression was also non-existent in his head. His heart beat so fast in his chest that it could burst out at any moment and he knew his face wasn’t any better than Hiyami now, or could be worse.
Now with all the negative emotions out of the way, Tsuji began to realize how embarrassing his speech had been. Despite the long and complicated contents, he had basically said that he had been and was still longing for Hiyami’s attention. If this wasn’t embarrassing, he didn’t know what would be.
“Tsuji-kun! Help me out!” Hiyami yelled.
Startled by the yell, Tsuji blurted out the first thought coming to his chaotic mind: “I-I’m not Hiyami-san’s crush because I also like Hiyami-san!”
A moment of silence passed by before Hiyami let out a confused ‘huh’. “What do you mean by that?” lowering her hands, she asked, “Are you insinuating that my crush would never like me?”
“No no no no no,” Tsuji hastily denied, waving his hands frantically, “Hiyami-san is very cute, there’s no way your crush wouldn’t like you.”
Hiding her face behind her hands again, Hiyami groaned: “You’re making it worse, Tsuji-kun!”
“I’m sorry I don’t know what to say either!” Tsuji also covered his burning face while yelling the answer.
…
The embarrassing yelling ended with Inukai appearing out of nowhere and dragging both Tsuji and Hiyami back to the Ninomiya squad’s strategy room. Then the older teammate offered each of them a cup of ice cream: vanilla flavor for Tsuji and matcha flavor for Hiyami.
“Did you two calm down?” Inukai asked when the two younger teammates finished their ice cream.
Tsuji gave a shy nod and Hiyami mumbled an apology.
“Good.” Inukai gave an approving nod with his usual bright smile. “It’s almost eight p.m., so finish your talk here quickly and go home. We have a rank war tomorrow.” he instructed, putting a hand on his hip, “I’ll be in the C-rank lobby, call me if you need something.”
However, before Inukai could turn around, Tsuji raised his hand, “Wait, Inukai-senpai, I have a question.”
“Sure?” Inukai lifted an eyebrow, chuckling, “But lower your hand first, we aren’t in class.”
Tsuji felt like knocking his own head for being stupid as he lowered his arm in shame. “Why didn’t you tell me that Hiyami-san had discovered my lie?” he asked, staring intently at his senpai, “And why did you admit when Hiyami-san asked you?”
“Isn’t the order of your questions a bit off?” Inukai held his chin.
“I just remembered the second question after asking the first one.” Tsuji admitted honestly. He had been an idiot many times today; adding one more time wouldn’t hurt.
“Okay,” Inukai gave a laughing huff. “I didn’t tell you about Hiyami-chan’s discovery because you didn’t ask, and I told Hiyami-chan the truth when she asked because you never told me to keep it a secret.” he answered nonchalantly, holding out a hand, “Any more questions?”
Tsuji wanted to protest but didn’t find a good argument so he swallowed the irritation. Hiyami whispered ‘I told you’ triumphantly. “I’m done.” he said begrudgingly.
“I’m going then.” Inukai flashed his usual smile before walking away, waving his hand.
Left behind with Hiyami across the table, Tsuji once again didn’t know what to say. However, his heart had calmed down so he could look at her without feeling panicked.
Luckily, Hiyami spoke up first: “According to what I’ve heard from Tsuji-kun, is it safe for me to assume that our feelings are mutual?”
Tsuji gave a firm nod, his heartbeat quickening a bit.
“What do you want to do now?” Hiyami asked, gazing at him with her most serious expression.
“Hah?” was all Tsuji could afford. What did he want to do? All he had ever desired was to make Hiyami smile from the bottom of her heart. He hadn’t even noticed that feeling was romantic affection until earlier.
“Do you want to start dating or not?” Hiyami asked exasperatedly, puffing her cheeks, “I can’t believe I have to spell this out for you.”
Tsuji gasped. This was too sudden. His heart wasn’t ready. He had never fallen in love before due to his awkwardness with girls, so realizing his true feelings, then knowing that the feelings were mutual and talking about dating all in the same day were too much for both his mind and his body. If not for the sugar supply from the ice cream, he would have fainted right here and now.
“Maybe it’s too much for Tsuji-kun after all.” Hiyami sighed. Tsuji nodded vigorously. “Let’s start with something simple, shall we?”
“Something simple?” Tsuji tilted his head to the side.
Hiyami held her chin, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. “Let’s start with how you address me.” she suggested, “Try calling me ‘Hiyami-chan’ from now on.”
“Like Inukai-senpai?” Tsuji wrinkled his eyebrows.
“You don’t like it? How about calling me by my first name?” Hiyami gave another idea.
“A-Aki-san-” Tsuji tried but bit his tongue by accident because his teeth clattered in nervousness. “It’s impossible,” he said dejectedly.
“I guess so.” Hiyami said with a smile looking like she’d given up.
“But Hiyami-chan is possible.” Tsuji said quickly, “I’ll call you Hiyami-chan from now on.” Since he’d heard Inukai addressing Hiyami with that suffix for a long time, it wasn’t hard to mimic him and say it out loud. “And I’ll practice calling you by your first name in the future, so please take care of me from now on, Hiyami-chan.” He stood up and bowed down respectfully.
“Please take care of me too, Tsuji-kun.” Hiyami giggled with a slight bow of her head.
End
(19 th January 2022)