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Lambent skyglow teases the bedroom floor, finding its way through chinks in the curtains. Lena doesn't switch on the lights as she pulls open her bed-side drawer. She can navigate this house with her eyes closed, just as she can pick up and reload her revolver.
This revolver, resourced for the sole purpose of shooting her target, hasn't tasted blood even once. Unlike her pistol, which has fired death after death. Lena curls her fingers around the body, allowing the weight of steel to tug at her wrists, and inhales deeply. Then she fixes her grip. A single bullet is enough, she thinks.
Lena walks through the door, where Shin has kissed her countless times; where he pulls off his tie when he's late from work; where she stands and coos at him when he sleeps in. She descends the staircase, turning a blind eye to the photo frames hanging on the wall. Two years. She has been fooling Shin for two years, and they've been married for six months. Every morning, Lena has woken up cuddled into his chest—drunk on a handsome flower's fragrance. She'd forgotten her roots. Murky, stinking soil. Only fit to cover death.
Shin is setting the table with his back to her, wearing a simple sweater and pants. His dark hair shines under the overhead lights. Lena knows how it feels between her fingers… so much softer than this gun. He's always unguarded at home, where he sheds his role as Shinei Nouzen, heir of the Nouzen empire, and exists just as Shin, Lena's loving husband, instead.
This is the perfect opportunity. She raises her arm and cocks her gun, trying to focus.
"Are you ready for dinner, Lena?" he asks without turning around.
The only time she remembers hesitating before pulling the trigger was at twelve-years-old, when naïve, innocent Lena killed for the first time to survive in a world that would've killed her instead. She hasn't hesitated since. Until now. Her heart is shuddering, just like her strained breathing. She doesn't realise how tightly she's clenching her skirt until she lets go to steady her aim with both hands.
This is it. This is the last time. She either kills Shin tonight or comes clean, because if she doesn't... The child growing inside her will have to lead a terrible, horrible life built on lies.
"I had shortcake prepared for dessert. You like it, don't you?"
"Yes," she whispers, rooted in place. She can smell it. Amongst the savoury notes of flavour hanging in the air, she can smell the shortcake. Shin doesn't even like sweets. She tightens her grip.
The click as she undoes the safety reverberates in her ears with her drumming heartbeat. Her chest hurts. Her legs hurt, and if she were to open her mouth, she would blabber and cry like a lost child.
Shin's back. The sturdiest, most comfortable back she's ever known. She's a coward for pointing her gun where he can't even see, but if she sees his face—the shocked, hurt expression that he will make—she won't be able to live with herself. If she saw his eyes widen at her betrayal, she'd want to shoot herself. But she can't. She's not alone in her body.
Right now, Lena is not a wife. She is the assassin who made the grave mistake of falling in love with her target. She is a daughter who has sinned by falling for the man whose kin killed her father. She will soon be a mother. A mother who has too much blood on her hands. How will she ever tell her child of the things she has done, of the gun she is pointing at their father?
Lena sniffles, with hot tears streaming down her cheeks.
Why didn't she kill him when they first met?
Life would turn on its head. She wouldn't know what it feels like to hold someone's hand, to intertwine her fingers with his and share warmth. She wouldn't know what it's like to have three meals a day, and to have someone ask if she's eaten. She would sit in her cold apartment, with her face pressed against her knees, waiting to kill, unaware of the pain and happiness love brings.
I love you. I love you, please don't die like this. Please don't let me kill you.
She blinks persistently when her vision blurs. The tears won't stop. Mahogany and green swims in front of her and she clenches her eyes shut. Before she can shoot, a warm hand clasps her wrists. Her fingers lose their strength and the gun leaves her grasp. A click follows, then a thump. Lena can't make out anything except for the warm softness that engulfs her. She rubs her face into Shin's shoulder and clings onto him, with her hands fisted in his sweater.
"Why are you crying, Lena?" He pats her head and tightens his arm around her waist.
She sniffles again, then shakes her head.
"I—" She swallows thickly, "I… I was going to…"
"Kill me?"
His calm voice, saying those words. Lena's jaw clenches and she makes a pained expression, still hiding in Shin's soothing, pine-like scent. She's a failure of an assassin. And she's a failure of a lover.
She wants to explain, but what explanation can one have for this? How can she explain two years of continuous murder attempts, each less earnest than the last, and expect to seek comfort in his embrace? She bites her lip and pulls away to look up at him. Instead of disgust or vitriol, she finds what she always does.
A handsome, serene face, with a hint of amusement dancing in his blood-red eyes.
"......Shin?"
"You can kill me all you want later"—he drops a gentle peck to her crown—"but have dinner first?"
"You—" Lena chokes on a sob. "Shin."
He hums and kisses her cheek this time, tenderly letting go of her body to hold her hand.
He guides her to her chair, and Lena feels so shameless, standing listlessly, with tears pouring down her cheeks and gathering under her chin. She wipes at her face and catches sight of her gun, now lying on the table next to her plate.
She couldn't kill him. Of course, she couldn't. So the only choice left was to confess everything. Her motive for pursuing him, all the times she's tried killing him, that she genuinely fell in love with him. Then, she will vanish from his life for good.
Lena doesn't have the right to look him in the eye, and she stares at her socked feet. Long, silver hair streams down either side and traps her, cutting off her field of view, cutting her off from Shin and the rest of this house, where the kindest of her memories lie.
"I'm… I'm sorry, Shin." Sorry won't cut it, but it's honest as it rolls off her tongue.
"I know." He gives her a small smile. "Would you like some wine?"
"But—"
"I lived after you poisoned me on our wedding day. Your gun isn't that surprising, honestly."
Lena looks up so fast, her neck strains. Shin isn't showing the slightest signs of disgruntlement or betrayal. He's sitting for dinner as he does every day, pouring wine into two thin-stemmed glasses.
Lena believed she'd learned how to read the tiny inflections of his face. Perhaps she was mistaken. Sad. He looks a little sad. Otherwise, he's taking this too well. Thoughts and fear clash inside her head, forming a confused amalgam that trickles heavily into her chest, swirling in with guilt and what she knew to be love.
Her throat constricts, and she grabs onto the back of the chair to support herself.
"You knew?" She whispers.
He lowers his eyes, dark bangs hiding them for a second as he swirls his wine, gazing into the glass.
"I love you, Lena."
She expected him to leave, not tell her he loves her. Either through death—at her hands, her terrible, shivering hands—or distance. He isn't the kind to shout and scream usually, but Lena was ready to accept any words of hatred he'd hurl. Instead, Shin looks at her patiently, waiting for her to sit down.
He humoured every lie she told, never pried, always stood by her, comforted her… and became her family. He cares about everyone around him. He cares about Lena. Her chest heaves with sobs. Shin is kind and responsible. He would never leave her immediately. If Lena tells him about her pregnancy, he might never leave at all. So she keeps her hands away from her pelvis as she sits down and pretends the slight dizziness is only because of crying.
"You knew and you still...? You knew I came to…" kill you, and you still married me?
Shin smiles wryly. He reaches out and thumbs away fresh tears from Lena's eyes.
"I still want to live with you, as long as you let me."
Lena grits her teeth, then scoffs wetly, holding onto Shin's wrist.
"Shin… You jerk."
"Look who's talking." He speaks as he always does—a little curt, a little removed—but fondly. "But really, you used to be more creative with your attempts. I remember so many."
She closes her eyes and savours his touch. His large palm on her cheek, the wedding ring, his pulse beneath her fingers, his breathing… soft and shallow. Self-hatred boils in her chest. How could she ever try to kill this man, this person she loves more than she loves herself? Lena tears up again, and she holds his hand with all her might, digging her fingertips into his skin.
"...I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't want to kill you."
He waits silently.
"Shin," she declares as she gathers her resolve, "I love you. I won't try to kill you again, I promise."
"I love you, too, Lena, and I know. You've tried to kill me, but you have saved me, too." He knows, she thinks. He knows Lena has tried to assassinate him more than once, and he knows Lena has saved his life from others' attempts. It relieves her, albeit only a little. "Let's talk whenever you're ready. For now, why not start with dessert for a change?"
It clicks then. Shin is the heir to one of the biggest business empires in the country, one with connections to the criminal underbelly. He must have known who she was since the very beginning. The sheer arrogance of thinking he wasn't aware of her true identity. A failure.
"How long have you known?" She asks when her breathing steadies. The shortcake really looks perfect, just how she likes it. She hates herself a bit more.
"Ever since we met."
"…Why didn't you turn me in? Before we fell in love?"
Shin holds her gaze, then says, "Because you were important. Your goal and mine… They're the same."
To bring down the Nouzens and their benefactors.
The weight Lena's been carrying on her shoulders all her life doubles down. Mixed with repentance, with all the complex threads of emotion tangled in her head, she finds acute fear. It's something she's felt very few times. Throughout these two years, she has thwarted fourteen assassination attempts from unrelated parties. Fourteen. Now that she's out of the running, who knows how many people will try to kill him?
Her eyebrows pinch together as she blurts, "Let me protect you. I know I don't have the right to say this now—"
"You're my wife, Lena. You have every right. And I'll agree with you on one condition. Let me protect you, too."
She nods, smiling despite herself. Unable to resist the urge, she pushes off her chair and throws her arms around Shin's head, hugging him. He holds her back, maneuvering her to sit in his lap.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, their noses touching and breaths mingling.
He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
"You're forgiven. But can I ask something?"
"Hm?"
"Were you trying to kill me with all that biting or is it just a kink—"
Lena seals his mouth with a kiss.
He tastes of wine, of home, and to Lena's greatest relief, of love and honesty.
She truly can't kill him. She doesn't want to. He's someone worth risking everything for. She wants him to live, beyond the Nouzen name, and maybe selfishly, with her for the rest of their days. But not killing him comes at a cost, one she will have to pay eventually, whether or not she's ready. Looking at his expression, Lena pushes aside the pitch-black fog spreading inside her—a fog of guilt, of indecision, of betraying her duties—and vows to protect him and their child, no matter what.
Omake:
They have a happy ending, and Shin shows up with a hardbound binder, in which he has filed a review of every single assassination attempt spearheaded by Lena.
"She keeps trying to kill me in the most strangest of ways. Today, she accidentally powdered and baked apple seeds into the pie she brought for our picnic. It's a shame I couldn't eat more of it. I think the tea had an antidote mixed into it. I'm falling in love with her. 8/10."
"Ever since she has fallen in love, her attempts have grown weaker and sparse. Perhaps it is true. Love kills the artist who knows its taste. Speaking of which, she tried stabbing me in the kitchen this morning and failed. She looked cute. 5/10."
"I am not sure if she truly meant to bite my dick off or if she is just inexperienced... But I wish she wouldn't try to kill me while having sex again. I think she has a biting kink. But she looked beautiful and her heart was in the right place. 7/10."
"She laced my celebratory champagne with slow acting poison and then drove me to the hospital herself. Was not thrilled having to spend my wedding night in a private ward. And worst of all, she hadn't had time to change out of her reception gown... and she was crying like I'd died. 0/10."
"I was unsettled as every fan is when I heard this will be her last performance. However, she finally succeeded. She killed Shinei Nouzen, the man I had struggled to be for so long, and she gained a new target, Shin, for a promising second cour. 10/10."