Work Text:
Slender fingers tap to an invisible rhythm on a desk, even as the owner of those fingers lets her mind empty out, head tilted up towards the ceiling as she leans back in her chair.
There is no audible background sound in the room, much less the rest of the house. That was something she still hasn’t gotten used to, even after all these months. The silence, the lack of movement. That sense of human activity beyond her door, no longer there.
It was strange, really. She had a strong need for personal space after public engagement, and so often shut herself into her room after a long day at work, but there had always been someone out there, doing their own thing. Leaving her alone, as requested, but present, nevertheless.
Not so now. The emptiness was almost palpable. The singer smiles bitterly, almost a grimace. She had spent so many years with so little privacy in the dorms that the lack thereof now seemed like a loss.
But they weren’t just her members, were they? They were family. Her sisters in all but blood. She puts on a drama just for the background noise, to create the illusion of presence in their absence, but it was never the same.
No more shuffled bedsheets from across the room. No more need to adjust the AC back to a temperature she prefers. No more loud squabbles in the living room over something completely inconsequential. No more cuddling in front of the TV for movie nights. No one to make her tea and leave it outside her door when she was too lost in herself to reach out.
She was alone. Oh, if she picked up her phone, they were there, still there, just a few taps of her fingers away. Their group chat moved with even more speed these days, especially now that they were separated. She still kept it muted out of habit, because having her phone buzz when she was trying to think was a distraction. They were there, but they were not here.
She could call someone. Not all of them were busy, or at least, not so busy that they wouldn’t have time for her. She knows this. It shouldn’t have been so hard.
But she misses opening the door and seeing a familiar face, even if they were occupied with their own routines. Misses even the choice to not talk to them, just existing in parallel silence. Misses the quiet conversations at the table, the play fights when they were feeling boisterous, the ability to just be around them.
A part of her is energized by her new freedom to explore the things she always wanted to do, but yet another part of her yearns for the wholeness of having her group around her. It is childish of her, she thinks, to cling to the safety of the group. She had to grow up some time.
But she misses them. It was just not the same. She needed to see them. Make sure they really exist, outside of her own head, before she disconnects even further.
She is more active on social media these days. Makes more effort to be present in their group chat. All little things, to ground her, to remind her that she is not alone. That she is wanted. That the things important to her are still there.
Work helped too. She throws herself into it, a distraction. But always, there was that niggling feeling of something missing. Though she is at home in the practice room, when she returns to the new apartment she has been given, the silence returns like a death knell. And it all comes crashing back, her new reality.
Darkness, and quiet. No more bright smiles, or the quiet chatter filling in the blank spaces. Something wrenches in her chest, her mind wandering to the song she had recorded not long ago.
A bright smile, was it?
Home did not feel like home, without the people to make it home. She sighs out loud this time, moving her tapping fingers to cover her eyes, as if that could erase the feeling. Her throat hums the melody, as if on instinct, before it ends with a choked sob.
She will not cry. There is no reason to cry, not now, not again. She had her time for tears already. She is moving forward, living her life, seizing opportunities denied to her before. This is what she wanted, even if it had come in a rush, before she was emotionally ready.
All of them had to scramble to find their feet, and while they’ve all landed in some way, she hopes it will not lead them away from each other. She could not bear that. Once six, always six.
She hadn’t been able to hold back the tears when they had been six again, briefly, singing a song everyone knew as theirs, even if they no longer held the legal rights to it. For that one moment in time, everything had been right in the world, surrounded by the people who had helped her to become who she was today, singing the song that had shot them to fame.
It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking, because she knew it was temporary, that they would have to leave to continue on their own paths. That they were six, but not really, not like they used to be. They had been forced to grow up, move apart.
She remembers their intertwined hands, gripping tightly together, from long ago. They had promised to always be together. Life might have forced them to walk different paths, but this was one thing that couldn’t be taken from them. This bond…
I wasn’t brave enough, was I? I couldn’t protect us…
The rational part of her brain knows she is being silly, that forces beyond their control had created the situation they had found themselves in. But still, she feels like she could have done more. Wonders if there could have been a different way.
Sojung-unnie felt the same way, she knows. It had been harder on their leader, who felt the responsibility even more keenly than the rest of them had. They hadn’t been able to defend their group name, not at the time. They might no longer be scared trainees, but up against the full power of a corporation, any resistance was just like smoke in the wind.
Confusion, fear, guilt, uncertainty. Those had been the dominating feelings swirling around them at the time. They had not been ready, not really, even if they had been thinking about alternative options. More time would have been appreciated, but that time had not been given. They had been thrown out with all the grace of trash being tossed out of a window.
It was practically a joke. Even the staff close to them hadn’t known at first. No one had seen it coming, not like this. Still, they were lucky. It wasn’t like they didn’t have options, even after the oh so casual dismissal handed to them. They could pick themselves back up.
Even if something had been taken from them. What’s in a name, really? The public might know of them, but to be formerly of GFRIEND, that stung. It was more than just a name. It was a part of their identity. They could take everything, but how could they take that?
She would be lying if she said she didn’t feel any resentment, but she bottles it up, separating it from the rest of her, walled off in an area she doesn’t touch regularly. She doesn’t want to touch it, can’t, because she cannot afford to let it erupt. It could ruin her, ruin the others as well. And she couldn’t let that happen.
She was doing it again now, wasn’t she? Yuju chokes out a laugh, then bites her lip, reaching for her phone. She knew better than to dwell. Dwelling never did her any good. It was better back when she could sit and talk with Yewon, or just cuddle with Yerin and not talk at all.
But they were not here, and all she had was a slab of metal and plastic where she could speak to them, from a distance. Better than nothing, but it was no replacement for their presence.
Long fingers tap on the screen, and Yuju smiles a little to herself as she notices Sojung’s IG story. Dummy forgot to tag me, but I see you. The unread notifications on her KakaoTalk are already at 99+, but that was an everyday occurrence. She ignores it for now. She can catch up later. If anything was really urgent they could call her.
The rapid rush of information, of time itself flowing beneath her fingers, fills Yuju with a wonder that never quite goes away. Oh, she is a child of the times, and part of it feels normal, everyday, the magic of it taken away with the mundanity.
But a smaller, quieter part of her still marvels at it all. At the things she never quite understands, like a modern fairytale, with modern magic. Her mind, as her members love to tease her, works in strange ways. But she wouldn’t have it any other way, and neither do they try to change her. It was just the way she was, and they accepted her like no one else ever did.
Everyone should have a place where they belonged, and Yuju knows she is fortunate to find people who loved her as she was. She had been taken out of that safe place earlier, moods being what they were, but sometimes songs catch up to her in a way she doesn’t quite expect when she pours her emotions into them. It was a simple, foolish thing, a mistake she keeps making, but doesn’t intend to stop, because she believes.
She speaks to her audience through music. They listen to her voice, but they’re also listening to her heart. She could not be anything less.
Just. It is hard, sometimes. To pull herself back from the edge, after she throws all of herself into something. Before, she had the others. Now, they are not by her side. Not physically, where she really needed them. They try, she knows. Likely they’ve already prodded her in the group chat and on private, because she had lived with these girls for almost 7 years now and had probably spent more time around each other than with family. They know what she needs. She loves them all, so very much.
She should reach out to someone. But they’re probably busy. She doesn’t know for sure. It’s not so easy these days. She could ask, but even asking feels like an imposition. It shouldn’t, she knows, but it’s hard to shake that feeling, deep within her.
She says Sojung is a fool earlier for not tagging her, but is she not more a fool for not reaching out to those who knew her best? They were there, they were always there. She knew that, trusted them. And yet…
The glow of the smartphone screen is the only light in her darkened room. Her room door is slightly ajar; there is no one to interrupt her privacy anymore, to her dismay. Yewon would scold her for not turning on the light, she knows. Eunha would likely take her side though, since the bunny always used to watch movies in the dark from her tablet. The thought makes her smile, her mind simulating how it was like to be around the others, in their absence.
The loneliness that strikes her after is no longer a stranger, and she misses them so, a jarring emptiness that claws at her from inside out. So much so that when she feels a soft hand touch her face, she almost thinks she is hallucinating.
For a moment she thinks she must be dreaming, but then a thumb wipes away the tears that managed to overflow, and her nose picks up a strong woody fragrance before her face is tilted upwards and a warm forehead touches hers.
“Yuna-yah, why didn’t you just call?”
A warm voice. A familiar voice. Yuju -- no, just Choi Yuna -- sucks in a deep breath, nose scrunching up in mild disbelief at the all too real hallucination standing before her. A wave of emotion overcomes her, and all of a sudden she has both too much and nothing to say.
“Your hands are cold,” she sniffs out loud instead, a whining edge to her tone even as she leans into the touch despite it. A rumbling chuckle, and her visitor rubs noses with her affectionately.
“It’s cold outside, silly.”
The room is dark, but Yuna can see the outline of her visitor, still in her jacket and scarf. No gloves, it wasn’t that cold yet. The singer raises her arms to wrap around the bowed figure of her friend, revelling in the closeness of her presence.
“How did you even get in?” Her voice was little more than a mumble, and the visitor chuckles again.
“Yuna-yah, you need to change your preferred passcode at some point. It only took me two tries.”
Right, the door had an electronic number lock. She usually latched it from the inside when she was home for the night, but she must have forgotten to do that earlier today. Yuna pulls the other girl closer, burying her face into the older girl’s neck and inhaling deeply. Her visitor laughs again.
“You missed me, I see.”
“I miss everyone,” Yuna retorts on instinct, always ready to jab back. The other girl playfully smacks her on the shoulder, and they tussle a bit, playfully tugging at each other. The scarf comes off, as does the jacket after a moment, and then Yuna finds a comforting weight in her lap, arms wrapped around the older girl curled comfortably atop her.
“Weren’t you busy today though?” Yuna speaks first, leaning into the other girl, who smiled, playing with Yuna’s midlength hair.
“Well~ I heard someone’s song earlier and figured a silly pup needed company. Was I wrong?” Her tone was smug, as if angling for praise. Yuna pouts, huffing noncommittally.
“Maybe you missed me after hearing my voice. Isn’t that right, Yennie?”
Yerin snorts, reaching over to pinch Yuna’s nose in punishment. The pup shakes her head to wriggle her off, and they end up tugging at each other again, before collapsing back into a messy heap of giggles.
“You know, normal people call to talk,” Yerin begins conversationally, snuggling into a more comfortable position as she rests her head on Yuna’s shoulder. “You know you can reach us on the phone if you’re lonely.”
Yuna sighs, reaching to interlace her fingers with Yerin’s, wanting to feel the solidity of her presence. They had seen each other not so long ago, when they crossed paths during work, but she had already begun to miss the older girl before she had even left. They just didn’t have the time they used to have. It was not the same.
Yerin worried for her, even as much as she worried back for the older girl. Yerin was running herself into the ground for work too, and Yuna knew that they were similar enough that they were struggling to adjust in the same ways. Contact mattered for them, and being close together like this, it was what they both needed. Yerin had come to her, and she couldn’t have been more grateful. It felt like home, just being together.
If only she could just say it. Yuna sighs again. Why was it so hard to just string the words together? She could emote well enough while singing, why did patching together the right words feel so difficult when she really needed it to? She was supposed to be good at this. Well, it was probably easier when it wasn’t about her. When things hit too close to home, suddenly words became difficult.
She would have sighed a third time, but then Yerin’s finger was on her lips, and she tilts her head over to meet concerned orbs trained on her. When Yerin smiles, it’s like the sun comes up, but Yuna rarely hears mention of how her eyes are like glittering stars in their own right.
They were very close to each other, too close, and somehow, not close enough. Will you love me? The lyrics come unbidden to her mind, and her throat runs dry, tightening like a vise. It was just a song. It didn’t mean anything.
Never mind that she had poured all her yearning into it, and it had summoned the one person she had really needed at this time. Yerin had listened, and perhaps more importantly, had heard her. She had come, just when she was needed.
Yuna actually half expects Yewon to send her a long letter not unlike a whole essay later, but it’s a different type of concern, a different expression of love. She treasures them all, but this, this is different. Yerin was not her best friend, not even her most relied on unnie. She was, she was…
Her other half?
Her heart jolts, and Yuna struggles with the thought, momentarily overwhelmed. Yerin cups her face with one hand then, pressing one cheek to hers, breathing softly. The contact calms her briefly, before her pulse begins to pick back up.
She just missed everyone too much. That was all. Yerin being here just accelerated all her pent up emotions. It didn’t mean anything more than that. They were close friends…
“Yuna.”
Yerin calls out to her, a worried lilt in her voice. Yuna snaps back to the present, and finds herself almost nose to nose with Yerin again.
“You were far away again.” Yerin exhales slowly, closing her eyes briefly. The older girl was tired, Yuna can see it clearly now, and yet she had still made time to come see her.
So don’t think about useless things, she scolds herself. We don’t need that.
“I missed you,” Yuna blurts out instead, a long delayed answer to the earlier question. Yerin startles briefly, then melts into a low laugh. Typical Yuna, of course, always out of sync. It was almost to be expected at this point.
“I know.”
Eyes like stars gazing at her. Yuna’s breath catches in her throat. Yerin was beautiful, she had always known this. But somehow, it had never really hit her until right now.
Yuna feels like she is underwater, wading through mud, her responses slow and unwieldy. Is this how the fans feel, she wonders. She is pulled back when Yerin pokes her cheek, puffing out a breath through her nose. The older girl giggles, a fond smile on her lips, and Yuna feels her heart skip a beat. Oh...
“It’s late.” Yuna blurts abruptly. It was. You should go, was the unspoken statement, but Yerin yawns exaggeratedly instead, winding one arm around Yuna’s neck.
“It is.” Yerin agrees, and Yuna feels like she can breathe again, but then she freezes again when the older girl continues with a wicked gleam of mischief in her eye.
“Can’t I stay the night?”
This should not have been a problem. Heck, she had gone over to the Viviz dorms to sleep over along with Sojung the last time. That had been a good night, loud as it was with Eunbi and Sojung butting heads as always. It was always good spending time with the girls.
So she had no reason to refuse. Yuna wasn’t even sure if she actually wanted to refuse. Her mind was a mess right now. A lot had been going on, she was lonely, then suddenly she was un-lonelied and long buried feelings were emerging where she didn’t need them to show up.
“Don’t you have work tomorrow?” Yuna asks cautiously instead. Yerin shrugs.
“Only in the afternoon.” Yerin bats her eyelashes at Yuna, who pretends to gag out of habit, leading Yerin to swat at her. This was right, this was normal, and Yuna eventually finds herself picking out a spare set of t-shirt and shorts for Yerin to change into for the night even as the older girl went to take a shower.
Why do I feel so nervous? We used to live together, it’s not even the first time we’ve shared a bed...oh no there is only one bed…
Yuna briefly considers if she should exile herself to the couch, but knows that Yerin wouldn’t let her get away with it, and surrenders internally before the argument even comes up. She leaves the clothing outside the bathroom door, before wandering back out to the main hall to latch the door she had evidently forgotten to latch earlier, enabling Yerin’s sneaky entry.
The heavy door is solid at the end of the short corridor, and Yuna pads quietly over in the dark, not needing to turn on the light to navigate such a short distance. The ambient light from the kitchen area gave her just a bare minimum to work with, and her eyes had already adjusted to the dark at any rate.
Yerin’s boots are arranged neatly by the rack next to the entrance, and the older girl had even thoughtfully straightened out the admittedly haphazard placement of her own footwear. The sight makes Yuna grin, Yerin just couldn’t resist making sure everything was tidy. There had definitely been some rough moments early on when they had been adjusting to living with five other girls in one dorm, but Yuna could only imagine how insane Yerin must have been driven by some of them. You do not mess with someone who has an obsessive need for tidiness. The arguments had been spectacular, once upon a time.
Putting fond recollections aside, Yuna reaches for the latch, only to find it already bolted in place. Huh, I guess Yerin did that on her way in…?
Shrugging to herself, Yuna returns to her room. She could have waited in the kitchen, but decided she could use just a bit more space before Yerin invades later. What am I saying, she’s welcome, I love having her around…
And yet. Yuna putters around her room, not the most organized at the moment. She isn’t normally prone to stress cleaning, but the knowledge that having stuff all over the place distresses Yerin was leading her to at least put some of the things she could away.
Life was hard enough. She didn’t want Yerin to feel uncomfortable in any way if it were possible. Even if the older girl had relaxed her standards around them over the years. Yuna was sensitive in ways the others didn’t always understand, but they always knew one thing for sure: she cared a great deal about them.
It shows in the way she turns up to sit by someone who needed company, telling jokes to cheer someone up, or just holding out a hand when needed. Yuna just wanted to be there for the people she loves, and being away from them took her away from all her usual expressions of love. That, if nothing else, had been the most frustrating to her.
She needed them yes, but what if she couldn’t be there for them when they needed her too? The thought was awful. She couldn’t stand the idea of her girls feeling sad and her not being able to do something about it. It just wasn’t in her to let that go.
And it eats away at her, just a little, every time. Text messages and video calls only did so much. She had even showed up at Sojung’s place unannounced that other time, because their dear leader had been drinking and she had been worried. It would be better once things got busier for her, but inactivity never did sit well with the oldest. Sojung thrived on having plans, on doing the things she set out to do, and now that things were picking up, the actress was coping much better.
Yuna would do anything for the others, but always has to be reminded that she could also receive care from them as well. Inadvertently, she is reminded of when the two Eunbis showed up to make her go shopping with them, or when Eunha insists on trying out a new restaurant with her and then they start talking about the most random things that come to mind over dinner. They could laugh and cry and just be. That was the best gift.
And as for Yerin… Yuna pauses over shuffling her notes into a file, tracing a finger over the scattered papers. Their relationship always centered on the here and now. They would see each other, and mess with each other. The verbal ribbing, the semi squabbles, the physical tussling. They touched each other a lot when they were together. It just happened, without either of them really thinking about it.
She doesn’t kiss me as much anymore though… Yuna muses wistfully, then shakes her head. Yerin was still physically affectionate, but somewhere along the way she had just...stopped. Maybe it had been their old company telling her to tone it down, shutting down yet another expression from the bubbly girl. Yuna hated that for her. It felt like something essential of Yerin’s was being cut off. It had taken the rest of them years to undo the kind of damage the adults in their former company had inflicted on the once expressive Yerin.
Perhaps it was why Yuna always indulged her, even encouraged Yerin to be physically affectionate with her. She wanted to let Yerin know she was safe with her, that it was okay to be herself, that she didn’t have to lock a part of herself away. It wasn’t right, Yuna feels, for Yerin to repress herself. She wanted Yerin to be happy too.
It hadn’t been easy at first, Yuna remembers, a half grin on her face as she puts her file back into a drawer. All that kissing at first had been...a lot. But when Yuna had discovered that Yerin didn’t really know how to respond to her kissing back, well, things had changed then. She had found a comfortable dynamic for them, and for a while, it worked.
When did it change? Yuna wasn’t quite sure. It wasn’t like they stopped touching each other or cuddling or doing any of their usual things, but Yerin just stopped sneaking surprise kisses on her at some point. Yuna hadn’t really stopped to think about it back then. They did have a lot on their plate back at the time, and it wasn’t such a huge shift in Yerin’s behavior that she would immediately question it. She was still clingy and affectionate, and that was all that mattered. At least, that was what Yuna believed then.
But now? Moving her fingers to press up against her own lips, Yuna wonders what would happen if she were to kiss Yerin now. The sudden invasive thought takes her by surprise, and her cheeks colour slightly. Biting her lip, she lets her hand drop back down, and is still too caught up in her wandering thoughts to notice Yerin enter her dimly lit room from behind her, running a towel through her slightly damp hair, dressed in the comfy sleepwear Yuna had picked out for her.
The older girl does not miss the fact that the disordered table she had noticed earlier was now comparatively tidier, and the realization makes her smile. She steps softly behind Yuna, who was still spacing out, and catches the taller girl with a surprise hug from behind. Yuna jumps in her arms, and Yerin laughs out loud, nuzzling into Yuna’s neck.
“You smell nice.” Yerin’s voice was a little muffled, but audible enough. Yuna is eminently grateful that Yerin can’t see her face right now. Why was she even blushing? She doesn’t blush just because one of her closest friends hugs her. They hug all the time.
It has absolutely nothing to do with the warmth of Yerin’s body against her back, and the fact that she is keenly aware that she isn’t wearing a bra. Right, she didn’t come prepared to stay over so...oh. Don’t think about it Yuna don’t think about it…
She is still thinking about it when Yerin yawns, resting her head on the taller girl’s shoulder, having removed her towel and leaving it to drape on the back of a nearby chair. The older girl is now clinging to Yuna like a koala, and Yuna adjusts automatically to support Yerin’s weight when Yerin hops onto her back on a whim, slapping at Yuna’s shoulder like she was commanding a horse.
“Giddy up!”
“How old are you, 5?” Yuna grumbles, the little aside helping her suppress the hot flush in her cheeks. She still gamely carries Yerin to the bed though, diving in face first and hearing Yerin squeal into her ear as they land in a tangled pile, Yerin still sprawled on top of Yuna.
Yerin bites down on an exposed section of Yuna’s shoulder, partially revealed when her baggy stay home t-shirt slipped a little when they fell over. Yuna does an exaggerated shout, but doesn’t actively throw Yerin off her -- Yerin hadn’t gnawed on her in a while, but the experience is comfortingly familiar. She would never admit it, of course, and after a few seconds, the pup decides to roll over, pinning a grinning Yerin to her bed.
Yerin’s hair is much shorter now, and sprawled in her bed like this, it spread out in a semi halo on the sheets beneath her. There’s an angel in my bed, Yuna muses, then giggles softly to herself. Two angels, because there’s me too.
Arms snake around her neck, pulling Yuju, who was still lost in her own little world, closer. Yuju blinks in response to the warm breath on her cheek, her ears pinking a little as Yerin sighs against her skin, toying with a few stray strands of her hair.
“Wanna let me in on the joke?”
Yuju’s eyes dart around nervously for a second, then she shrugs inwardly and sprawls comfortably on top of Yerin, nestling her head on the older girl’s shoulder.
“Just thinking that you looked like an angel, but I’m also an angel, so there’s two angels in my bed,” Yuna paused for a second. “That sounded funnier in my head.”
Yerin chuckles, reaching to pinch Yuna’s cheek playfully. “That’s so sweet of you.” Yerin grins then, outrageously. “Almost sounded like you were flirting with me though.”
“You wish,” Yuna scoffs, batting Yerin’s wayward hand away. “You never stop telling us we’re pretty though, why shouldn’t I do the same for you?” Yuna adds after a moment, shifting the way she was sprawled on top of Yerin. “Am I too heavy?”
The bark of laughter that answers her is everything, and Yerin hauls Yuna back securely on top of her. “Please, you’re skinnier than all of us…and I’m stronger than I look.”
“I remember.” Yuna’s eyes curve into a smile along with her lips. All her concerns from earlier had melted away with the comforting interactions. It was always so easy being with Yerin. They just clicked without really trying, being on the same wavelength for their sense of humour. It was fun being around Yerin. And really nice that she was here, right now.
Speaking of right now, Yuna cocks her head thoughtfully, rolling onto her side to eye Yerin with a suspicious look.
“You were always planning to stay the night, weren’t you?”
“Why do you say that?”
Yerin was smirking. It was a look Yuna knew all too well. And what are you gonna do about it? The singer huffs.
“You latched the door on your way in just now. You didn’t plan to leave tonight.”
“Oh so you did check! My smart puppy.” Yerin cackles, ruffling Yuna’s hair. Said puppy pouts.
“You could have called first, what if my door was latched?”
“I would have just called you at the door then. Why, were you going to say no?” An arched eyebrow.
Yuna gives in. “Of course not, you’re always welcome.” Just like any of the girls were welcome to her home. It wouldn’t matter what time it was when any of them came knocking. She would welcome them in, or go to them, as needed. That was just the way it was.
“Then that’s settled!” Yerin latches back onto Yuna gleefully, her grin morphing into a suppressed half-yawn midway. Her lashes flutter as sleep fought to claim her, and Yuna is reminded once more than Yerin has had a long, hard day before coming here.
She could have gone home to rest, but her unnie had obviously made time to come and keep her company anyway. Yuna’s eyes soften, and she snuggles up to the obviously exhausted Yerin.
“I’m keeping you up past your bedtime, aren’t I?”
“You can keep me up all night~” Yerin replies back sassily, earning a pinch in the side from the younger girl. Before it escalates into another tussle though, Yerin is halted by a sudden soft touch against her cheek – Yuna’s lips, ghosting along her skin, like a lingering memory.
“Thank you for being here.” I needed it, she does not add, but Yerin hears it with her heart anyway. The older girl smiles, blinking away exhaustion as she entwines her fingers with Yuna’s own.
“Always.”