Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The day started off like any other. Waking up, giving her teeth a good brush, doing her hair, getting dressed. Routine. She had planned to sneak out tonight to go see Hero. She even had a speech prepared just to sweep him off his feet! She couldn't deny she was a little giddy.

Sunny normally slept in late, especially on the weekends. He was a growing kid. It was normal. He'd describe his dreams to Mari sometimes. Adventures with Captain Spaceboy from those comics he loved so much. Cutesy versions of their friends. Even a version of her. A version that took care of Sunny in his dreams and always had a picnic ready. It always warmed Mari's heart to hear Sunny talk about them.

Sunny had trouble talking. He didn't talk at all when he was growing up. After a couple years of speech therapy he managed to form sentences and engage in conversation, but Mari knew Sunny would always be a little different. Not that Mari minded. She was always there to help him talk when he wanted to or to sit in silence with him or to learn some sign language with him. She was always there for Sunny.

Mari only began getting a little worried when noon came and Sunny still wasn't up. It wasn't too unusual, but Mari figured she should wake him up anyway. It wasn't healthy to sleep in too long. If their mom were home she would've woken Sunny up hours ago. Mari put down her book and walked up the stairs.

She knocked on Sunny's door a couple times. Once. Twice. Three times. She sighed. Sunny really was a heavy sleeper. Maybe he had even snuck out like she did to go hang out with his friends! The idea made her chuckle. Small little Sunny sneaking out of the house to go hang out at Kel's or Basil's or Aubrey's seemed so ridiculous, but she wouldn't deny the thought of it being cute.

Mari didn't like opening Sunny's door when he didn't respond. She saw it as an invasion of privacy. What if Sunny didn't want her to come in? What if he wanted alone time? There was also a chance he did want her to come in. Days when he couldn't bring himself to talk or get out of bed. Those were the worst days, but Mari would always be there for him.

"Sunny! If you don't respond I'm opening the door!

3!

2!

1!"

Mari opened the door, prepared to greet Sunny with a happy good morning gesture, but as soon as she laid her eyes upon what sat in the room, she froze.

She didn't want to process it. Her brain was reeling. All feeling seemed to numb from her body.

Sunny was in his room. Small, cute, delicate Sunny was in his room, with a knife planted in his chest and lying limp on the floor.

Mari couldn't register it. She couldn't even cry. It felt like her brain had stopped working. Like she was being held underwater. She lifted her hand, which looked blurry in her vision. She moved her fingers to see if they were still there. As she slowly regained feeling…

She shrieked.

She shrieked and she shrieked and she shrieked and she shrieked. Her little brother was dead. He had killed himself. He was dead dead dead dead dead. His blood was pooling on the floor.

Mari keeled over as if she had been punched in the gut.

Sunny, who she loved so much, had taken his own life. He didn't even leave a note. He didn't say anything to Mari. There was no goodbye. No goodbye would be enough for what he had done. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything.

She should've noticed the signs. Less interest in his Captain Spaceboy comics, not eating enough at dinner, talking less. She should've noticed it. But she didn't. She was blind. Her whole world felt like it was crashing down.

How could she be so fucking stupid? How could she be so braindead? So negligent? She was his older sister for fucks sake! She was the one who was supposed to pick up on these things! She was the one who was supposed to take care of him.

She couldn't look up at him. She faced the floor, unconsciously dry heaving as tears formed in her eyes.

She should have noticed.

She should have noticed.

She should have noticed.

She should have noticed.

She should ha

Chapter Text

Mari never liked hospitals. They were too white. Too clean. Too perfect. Perfect enough to hide the sickness, disease and death behind every door. She especially didn't like hospitals now, as her brother bled out behind closed doors.

She was in the waiting room. She didn't want to go with Sunny into the operation room, and she didn't know if she was even allowed to either. Mari never liked waiting, but it was better than seeing her brother being operated on. She breathed in deeply. What she was always told to do when she felt anxious. Deep breath in. Hold. Long breath out. Repeat. She did this over and over again. She needed something to focus on. Something to do so she didn't go insane from the stress.

She didn't really remember how she got to the hospital. She remembered sirens and her neighbors' faces as they guided her into the back of the ambulance. There was one sight she was sure she'd always remember, though. The sight of Sunny being dragged out on a stretcher.

Mari was never really an optimist. She liked to call herself a realist. She couldn't just will herself into being good at piano, she had to practice. She couldn't just believe she was a good person, she had to try. But she'd be lying if she said she wasn't clinging onto a hope that this was all a bad dream and she'd wake up to find Sunny alive in his bed like always.

Her thoughts were diluted. Like they had a film over them. It wasn't that they were completely nonsensical, it was just that none seemed to stick. Her brain was both empty and bursting at the seams simultaneously. Thoughts of things she could've done raced through, none sinking in properly but each leaving a sting on Mari's fragile heart. It was like her skull was being caved in with a hammer.

They had called her mom. She still hadn't shown up. Mari didn't expect her to for a while. Her mom was always distant. Distant from Mari and even more so from Sunny. Mari wondered if she even cared that Sunny was in the hospital. She never seemed to really care about anything. She was hardly ever there, and when she was, she seemed off in her own little world. A world where she was a perfect mother with two perfect children. A world Mari admitted she indulged in as well.

Mari knew her mom would show up eventually, just not soon. She had to at least keep up the image of being a present mother. That meant Mari was going to be sitting in the waiting room for a long time.

She watched the other people in the room. A heavy woman with baggy eyes. Her arm was in a splint. She was probably here for a checkup or to get the cast removed. A man sat next to her. He looked stern. Based off of the matching ring on both of their fingers, he was probably the woman's husband.

She air smelled of antibacterials. It reminded Mari of the smell of chlorine on a day in the pool. When she was 10 they had set one up in their backyard. It was a small thing, not too deep and not too wide, but just enough for a grade schooler. Mari swam and played in there everyday. She had an Ariel themed bathing suit that she remembered being embarrassed of and hoping no one would somehow happen to stumble upon her while she was swimming. Sunny only joined her when Mom made him. He never liked swimming. Mari was pretty sure he didn't know how to either. Though a couple floaties always did the job. He wore a pair of Batman themed swim trunks. They must of looked like the perfect siblings, splashing around in a pool together in their cutesy attire.

Sunny never swam again after he was 10. Mari and him had gone down to the lake with their friends. Kel insisted on swimming, and Aubrey had joined him begrudgingly. Basil was taking photos of them while Hero sat with Mari on her picnic blanket, watching over everyone.

Mari didn't remember how it happened really. One moment everything was fine, the next moment Sunny was submerged in the water and was making no signs of getting out on his own. Mari had jumped in and saved him that day. Even still, Sunny always had a fear of drowning after that. They never set up a pool in their yard again.

Mari wished this could've been like back then. That Mari could've saved Sunny like the perfect big sister she wanted to be.

But it wasn't.

She watched as some doctors walked by. They were pushing something along. Mari didn't know what it was. Probably some medical contraption she didn't understand. It smelled like laughing gas.

Mari only had smelled laughing gas once before. She went to the dentists with Sunny for him to get a cavity removed. He seemed upset. Mom said it was because he didn't brush his teeth for long enough each morning. Not that she would know, considering she was always already gone by the time the sun would rise.

Sunny had made no complaints as the dentists jabbed tools and needles and tubes into his mouth. It was only when they put the mask on him so he would breathe in laughing gas is when he protested. He practically tried to rip it off himself. They did the rest of the procedure without it. Mom had yelled at him when she had gotten home.

She wished this was just a simple doctor's visit like back then.

Mari hated when Mom yelled at Sunny. It was never fair. Whether it was for not talking when he was supposed to or being "rude" at a social gathering, her yelling was always cruel and uncaring of how Sunny felt. Mari would hide at the top of the staircase and listen whenever mom yelled at Sunny. When her mom had finished she'd take Sunny into her room and read one of his Captain Spaceboy comics to him to help him calm down.

A blurry figure came into her unfocused vision, jostling Mari out of her thoughts, and she looked up. Her eyes were greeted by tan skin and brown hair.

Chapter Text

"...Hero?" Mari managed to croak out, her voice sore from crying so violently less than a couple hours ago.

In front of her stood Hero with an older man Mari presumed to be his father. Hero was dressed in a typical sweater and jeans while his father was in what seemed to be pajamas.

Hero didn't respond immediately, opting instead to sit down next to Mari. His expression was one of concern, but also of warmth. His father's expression matched Hero's look of concern.

"Mari? I saw the ambulance stop by your house and… I asked my dad to drive me here. Just to see if something had happened to you." Hero told her simply, his eyes staring into hers. A pit in her stomach burned with shame, and she turned away, unwilling to look him in the eyes. She didn't deserve to.

"I'm fine…" Mari spoke once more. Her voice betrayed her words, the hoarseness of it making it obvious she had been crying.

Hero continued to stare at her, trying to pick up on what happened. What could have gotten Mari so upset? What would cause her to cry like that?

"Is… Sunny okay?" he finally asked, voice barely above a whisper, lined with desperate concern.

Mari jerked in her chair at the mention, staring down at the tile floor. A few moments of silence passed between them, before she opened her mouth again.

"...no…" is all she said. Her tongue felt unfitting in her mouth. Like cobwebs were lining her throat and cotton was jammed between her vocal cords. She could barely form a single word.

She never got like this before. It was always Sunny who was quiet. Sunny who didn't speak. Sunny who had a million things to say but no way to articulate it. Never Mari. Mari always knew what to say. She had something on hand to say at any given moment. To fill up the empty air that sometimes surrounded her. But not now. Not as she sat in a hospital waiting room as her brother who had attempted suicide was being treated not too far down the hall.

Mari was never quiet.

Sunny would never commit suicide.

Mari's world view was shattered.

Hero remained with his eyes glued to her. The eloquent Hero, lost for words. The idea made Mari want to laugh, but any humor died before it even reached her throat. Nothing was right. Mari was never supposed to be quiet. Hero was never supposed to be at a loss. Nothing was right. Everything was falling apart, and it was all Mari's fault.

Hero next to her felt uncomfortable. An unwelcome presence in her bubble of regret and overflowing emotions trapped within the deepest reaches in her mind; never supposed to be revealed. Not to Mari. Not to Hero. Not to anyone. Things that were supposed to be hidden forever.

Mari guessed these must have been the emotions that pushed Sunny over the edge.

The thought was a punch in the gut, and she leaned over in her chair even further so she was directly facing the tile floor. She couldn't stand to look up at anyone. She was close enough to smell the floor, her hair covering her face. The floor smelled vaguely of dirt, which did little to shake Mari out of her stoop imposed by the overwhelmingly clean hospital stench.

Her hair was in her face. It smelled like shampoo and conditioner she had spent far too long massaging into her hair as she showered instead of checking in on her younger brother. She wanted to slap herself for that.

She was reminded of Hero's presence with a hand on her shoulder, perhaps trying to coax her back into reality. He said something Mari couldn't make out. Either he was talking too quietly or Mari's brain was tuning him out. She didn't know which it was and she didn't care.

"I'm fine… My mom will be here soon and she'll pick me and Sunny up and take us home… We'll be fine. You don't need to be here." Mari forced out as calmly as possible, not wanting to let her painful emotions show through her voice. She didn't want to pass that pain over to Hero.

"...Okay. If you say so. Call me when your mom gets here." he said, and suddenly Mari was alone once more.

Alone in the hospital where only bad things happened. Where only death occurred. She wasn't going to leave here with Sunny in hand, would she?

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours as Mari waited. Her state was near vegetative. Completely still except for the shallow breaths she would take.

Her mother didn't speak to her when she finally showed up. She just sat down next to her quietly, not bothering to comfort her daughter, who was hunched over in her chair. That's how her mother always was. It was either awkward conversations or silence. There was never anything pleasant properly exchanged between them.

A doctor eventually pulled her mother aside to speak to her. Despite seemingly wanting to act hush, they spoke loudly enough that Mari could hear them.

Sunny was dead.

Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead.

The word repeated in Mari's mind over and over. It was all that ran through her brain. Dead. Sunny, her little brother that she loved and cherished was dead.

It didn't feel real. Mari felt like she had been transported to some alternate dimension. An alternate dimension where everything was wrong.

She didn't look at her mother as she sat back down. She felt almost angry at her for being the one to receive the news. Like if the doctor didn't say anything Sunny would still be alive. It made Mari feel sick. She wanted to vomit.

She didn't look at her mom as they walked out of the hospital. She didn't look at her mom as they got in her car. She didn't look at her mom as they came home. She didn't deserve to look.

She sat on the couch. There were police officers there. They had asked her a few questions. Mari's answers were short and uncomfortable. She didn't want to be speaking to them. She didn't want to do any of this. But she knew she'd have to again when the time came. The house felt less oppressive than the hospital, but Mari didn't know whether that was worse or not. Without the distraction of the scents off the hospital there was nothing to keep her mind from racing. Racing with everything she had done wrong.

She glanced briefly at the staircase. Police were scattered around it, some upstairs inspecting Sunny's room.

Mari swore to herself she'd never go in his room again.

Chapter Text

The police were there for a long time. Too long of a time. Mari wanted them gone. Every time she set eyes upon one of them it only further cemented in her heart that Sunny was gone. That she wasn't going to wake up to him playing with Mewo in the living room or doing his homework just a little too late. That she'd never see him again.

The thought made Mari want to scream. Just thinking it made her feel like someone had bashed in her ribcage. She wanted to erase the thought from existence. To banish it from her mind. But even if she managed to make it so she never had that thought again, Sunny wouldn't come back to life.

Mewo stared up at her curiously as she sat on the couch. It was only then that she realized she must have been sitting there for hours. Hours of the police searching through the house, questioning her, leaving, and hours of her staring blankly into space.

She looked down at Mewo. She reached forward, gently petting it's fur. She couldn't help the jealousy that ran through her. Mewo didn't know what had happened. Mewo would never fully understand what happened. Mewo wouldn't have to feel the way Mari felt.

Mari scoffed at herself. She was getting jealous of a cat. She was acting crazy. She should be glad Mewo never had any of those worries. She took Mewo into her lap and stroked them softly. The warmth of the ball of fur on her lap felt nice, like stepping into a heated house after walking through a snowstorm.

Her mind latched onto that thought and wouldn't let go.

When Mari was 11 she and Sunny had traveled with their mom up to the local sledding area. To Mari at that age, the hills seemed to touch the sky and the amount of snow was enough to swim in. She was amazed.

Sunny had been less enthused. He never liked physical activity much. He'd spend most of his time at home in bed, and when he did go out he'd usually be doing less taxing things like relaxing at a picnic or just talking with friends. This didn't mean he hadn't been excited at all. He and Mari shared a look of awe as they stared up at the snowy hills.

Mari had a lot of fun that day. Her and Sunny would alternate between being on the sled and being the one to push the sled down the hill. The feeling of cold air against her face felt like magic.

Kel and Aubrey were there as well. Basil was planning to come but he had gotten caught up with his grandmother. Kel and Aubrey spent most of the time making makeshift forts and snowballs to throw at each other instead of sledding like Mari and Sunny. They did go a couple times, but Aubrey had complained about it being uncomfortable and Kel said it wasn't "hands on" enough, whatever that meant.

The only issue is that they were a little underdressed. Their mom never bought them much winter attire besides for sweaters that could easily be worn during the spring of fall as well. So, being in only rather lightweight sweaters, both Sunny and Mari were freezing cold. They had gone home with red noses and chattering teeth. Her hands had gone numb. She waved goodbye to Kel and Aubrey who were still on the slopes.

Mari squeezed her hand into a fist and looked at it. She could feel the warmth of her hand, but she couldn't deny the numbness that she felt as well. Everything just felt so distant. So unreal. Like she wasn't supposed to be there.

She thought about Kel and Aubrey. How would they react when they'd out what happened to Sunny? Mari wouldn't be surprised if Kel had seen the ambulance go by their house or if he and Hero had spoken about it. They were incredibly close, and despite the one-sided rivalry on Kel's side, they told each other everything important.

She didn't want to imagine how Kel would react. She didn't want to see his always smiling face brought to tears like she had been. He and Sunny were close. The close friendship formed between boys, she guessed. He'd be devastated. She didn't want him to feel how she felt.

Mari had a suspicion that Hero already knew what was going on. He had seen her in that hospital that day. Only he knew what could make her so upset. Sunny.

He probably hadn't put it all together yet, but when the news came out he likely wouldn't be surprised. Mari thought that almost made it worse. The thought of Hero worrying over what had happened to Sunny in his room alone at night made her heart break. He always did take too much on himself.

Then there was Aubrey. She and Sunny were close in a different way than he and Kel were. It was a more sensitive friendship. One consisting of hush conversations when they thought no one was looking or quiet walks with little exchanged between the two. Despite this, they seemed to like each other a lot. Mari never spoke about it, but she suspected Aubrey's home life wasn't the best. She had seen her messy driveway and the smell of alcohol and cigarettes her clothes carried. Her parents were already in the process of getting a divorce. She didn't know how she'd handle losing Sunny as well. She and Sunny would hold hands sometimes when walking together. Though Sunny didn't hold hands with her as much as he held hands with Basil.

Basil called Sunny his best friend, and well Mari wasn't sure if that sentiment was true from Sunny's point of view, it certainly was from Basil's. He clinged to Sunny like a lost puppy and would spend all his time with him. Mari had seen Basil crying to Sunny one time when he came over to their house. She hadn't been meant to see, so she had closed the door quickly and turned away. Even still, she heard snippets of what Basil was saying. How he felt so lonely. How he was scared of what was going to happen to his grandma. How his friendship with Sunny was the only stable thing in his life. Mari couldn't imagine what finding out the truth would do to Basil.

Sunny meant so much to so many people.

Why did he do it?

Why?

Chapter Text

Mari wasn't a misanthrope. She was the opposite really. She loved the world and the people in it.

But that didn't stop her from slamming the door shut on Hero and Kel when they knocked. They had barely managed to even say her name before the door was slammed in their faces.

Mari quickly retreated to the couch. It was where she had spent the night. It was like a safe space. Safer than upstairs at least.

Hero and Kel's knocks on the door persisted even after Mari had shut them out. It felt like each knock was a hammer hitting her heart. It wasn't that she didn't want to be around them, it was that she didn't deserve to.

She brought her knees to her chest like she had seen Sunny do before. She probably looked like crap. Even without the circumstances, Mari wouldn't want them to see her while she looked like this anyway.

Mari was perfect. Perfect hair, perfect grades, perfect, perfect, perfect. But Mari was anything from perfect right now.

Her clothes were dirty from sweat and grime collected over the past day and the night she had spent sitting quietly on the couch. Her hair was a mess from her pulling at it from stress. She hadn't brushed her teeth. She hadn't showered. Her eyes were swollen red and her cheeks were marked with tear stains.

She wished she could throw out this imperfect version of herself and go back to living her fantasy. Her fantasy of being the perfect older sister with a perfect mom and a perfect little brother.

But she couldn't. She was stuck. Stuck in this disgusting body with an almost completely absent mom and a dead little brother, being the horrible older sister who had failed to protect her family from the situation they were now in. She had ruined everything. She wanted to tear her hair out.

She wondered if this is what Sunny wanted. To punish her for being such a terrible older sister. For pressuring him on the violin. For not being there for him enough.

Mari knew that couldn't be true. Sunny was sweet, kind, and forgiving. He'd never do anything to hurt Mari, especially not something like this. Even still, Mari couldn't help but think she deserved it. She hadn't been attentive enough. She hadn't paid enough attention to Sunny. She had been rude and mean and forceful about the recital and everything the perfect big sister shouldn't be.

She guessed the recital was cancelled now. They couldn't do it without Sunny after all. It was a duet, not a solo, and the sound of Mari's piano sounded lonely when not accompanied by Sunny's violin. But she supposed she'd never get to hear that again.

Damn it.

She was crying again.

Mari always hated crying. It showed weakness. It showed she wasn't at her best. Mari always had to be at her best. If she cried people would know she wasn't perfect. That something was wrong. That Mari was a pathetic excuse for an older sibling.

She never wanted people to have to feel the way she did. She never wanted anyone to see her like this.

But she knew they were going to eventually.

When someone dies, there's a funeral. Mari learned this early on at the age of 6 when her only grandma passed away. When there's a funeral, people who knew the person who died get invited. That meant Hero, Kel, Aubrey, and Basil.

She was terrified of how they'd react to knowing what happened. How they'd react to her. It was a horrifying thought. She wished she never had it.

Would they be angry at her? Would they pity her? Or would they be too focused on Sunny to even notice Mari?

Mari hoped it would be the last option. She hoped she wouldn't notice them either.

A sobbing Kel.

A silent Hero.

A heartbroken Basil.

A devastated Aubrey.

It horrified her to her very core to imagine such uncharacteristic expressions on her friends faces. They had been good friends of Sunny's. The friends Sunny deserved. They didn't deserve to feel so upset over this. It wasn't their fault, after all.

The same didn't apply to Mari. As much as she hated the feelings, she knew she deserved it. The feelings of disgust, self-loathing, horror, and incredible pain. She deserved all of it. She was disgusting down to her very core. What kind of big sister let her little brother die?

She wondered if they would go to church for the funeral. She had never been very religious. Her mother didn't care enough to teach her about religion, and Mari didn't care enough about it to teach it to herself either.

She knew Aubrey's family went to church every Sunday. Aubrey complained often about having to wake up so early on a weekend, but she praised the priest and his teachings all the same. When her parents first told her they were getting a divorce, Aubrey had gone to the church and prayed. It didn't make them get back together, but she told Mari it gave her a little bit of closure about it. Mari hoped Aubrey could find closure the same when it came to Sunny.

Mari wondered if Sunny was up in Heaven. Maybe he was scolding her for thinking this way from up there. Or maybe he wasn't doing anything. Or maybe Heaven didn't exist at all.

Maybe Sunny was gone from everywhere.

From this world, from the sky, from this universe.

There was no chance of him coming back, was there? No chance he'd float down like an angel from Heaven and tell Mari everything was alright?

She never had any strict feelings on faith or God before. She was always optimistic about it. It had always been a maybe in her mind of whether or not God was real or not. She didn't busy herself with thoughts of religion.

But now Mari had decided that if God was real he wouldn't have let this happen.

Chapter Text

Mari's mom was finally home for more than just an hour. Finally home for long enough to comfort her daughter.

And yet all she did was stare at her in disgust as her imperfect daughter sat on the couch, hair covering her face as she looked down in shame.

"You shouldn't be crying. You know crying isn't going to make things better." Mari's mother's voice was stern. It was always either stern or floaty. It was never calm or comforting. It was always something beyond what Mari could understand.

"I know… it's just that… it's hard not to cry… I just…" Mari managed to speak, but she was interrupted by a hiccup. If she kept speaking, she was going to start crying again. She couldn't let herself cry again.

"Mari, I know it hurts. But, you're not the one who's hurting here. Sunny was hurting. I'm hurting, he was my son. We'll never get anywhere if we dwell."

What?

All of the sudden her mom gave a shit about Sunny hurting? After he had already passed away? That's when she decided she was going to be his mom and not just some distant far off figure in his life?

Mari knew her mom was well intentioned, but she couldn't help the blood curdling anger that ran through her. Her mom was never nice to Sunny. She never cared when Sunny was hurting before. She would ignore Sunny, berate Sunny, force him to do things he didn't want to do just to keep up with the image of having a perfect family.

Mari supposed she was just as bad in a way.

She had pushed Sunny too hard on the violin. But the only reason they had gotten that damn violin was because their mom had wanted them to play together.

If her mom never bought that violin…

If Mari hadn't been so forceful with him…

An unwelcome sob forced its way up Mari's throat. Then another. Then another.

Mari was crying again.

"Mari! I just told you to stop crying! Do you ever even think of just considering what I have to say?"

Mari felt like she was going to explode. Her body felt like it was bursting at the seams with emotions and pain. Pain she wanted to keep buried inside her.

This is how Mom always would speak to Sunny.

Mari had distinct memories of it. One of the first times she remembered was when Sunny was 6.

He had struggled to speak at all on his first day of school. He came home looking nervous and uncomfortable. Mari had sought to comfort him, but her mom had gotten their first. The school had sent a paper home regarding Sunny's behavior.

She had yelled at him. Yelled at him more than you should yell at a 6 year old. Yelled at him to the point where Sunny was crying and begging for her to stop. Mari wanted to go down there and help.

But Mari was a coward. She hid at the stop of the steps and watched with shaking hands as her mom yelled at Sunny.

That was the first time she had felt scared of her mom.

It was also the first time she felt hatred for her.

As she stared up at her mom on the couch, she didn't know what she felt. Guilt? Anger? Sadness? Regret?

Whatever it was, it wasn't good, and she wanted her mom to stop talking about Sunny. Stop talking about him like she had been there for him. Stop talking like she had ever even given a shit about him before this. Talking like Mari didn't hear her mother's berates of "retard" whenever Sunny would come home with a bad grade or a hard day at school. Talking, talking, talking.

And if Mari taking ownership of what she did and ceased her crying would make her mom stop talking, then that's what she'd do.

Deep breath in. Long breath out. Repeat.

Soon enough Mari was no longer crying. Soon enough her mother was no longer talking.

Her mother gave her a pat on the shoulder as if it was an attempt at comfort before walking away and up the stairs.

Mari knew she shouldn't cry. Crying was selfish, weak, and imperfect.

Sunny wouldn't want her to cry. Even if he hated Mari, she was sure he would never want Mari to cry. Sunny loved Mari, and Mari loved him back. They had been the perfect siblings. Talented, smart, and hardworking.

Perfect.

Mari couldn't be perfect anymore without her little brother. She didn't want to be perfect anymore.

That strive for perfection she had is what had pushed Sunny to that point. It's what had made him so stressed. It's what had made him isolate himself. It's what had caused all of it.

Just because Mari wanted to be perfect.

Perfect was never attainable. Mari should've realized that. Perfect was something that only existed to fuel her mother's dreams of the family she wished she had. Perfect was just something told to Mari so she would play the piano until her fingers were locking up. Perfect was what had pushed Sunny so far gone.

Mari clenched her hands in her lap.

She wasn't going to be perfect, but she wasn't going to give up on everything either.

Sunny hadn't been perfect. He would stutter, fumble notes on the violin, spend too much time inside, be unkind to himself.

Mari was far less perfect, despite the facade she put up. Despite what everyone believed.

She'd have to tear down that belief so no one would fall for it like Sunny did. Fall for it to the point they had figured they weren't good enough if they weren't like her. Fallen for a lie Mari had told herself.

Mari bit back her tears and told herself something her mother had told her many times before.

Crying is selfish.

Chapter Text

Mari had only left her house 2 days after it had happened. Mari was never the type to spend her time inside for so long. She was always doing something, going somewhere, talking to someone. Mari was never still.

The sky looked the same as when she last saw it. She had almost expected it to be a murky gray. For it to look like a storm had swept over Faraway town and left only disaster behind. But no. Everything was the same.

Her walk to the park was quiet. Hero was taking summer prep courses, and Kel was playing a lot of basketball, both for his team and just in local areas. Because of this, she didn't run into either as she walked down the street.

She had gotten ready before going out. She had showered and brushed her hair and put on a nice dress. As much as Mari wanted to pretend to didn't rely on her status of perfection to maintain herself, it still shone through. Mari was a liar, through and through. Maybe she got it from her mom. Maybe she had just developed in that way growing up. Maybe that's why Sunny wasn't with her anymore.

She stepped into the park, the sound of grass crunching beneath her feet a nice contrast from the stiff tile and cement she had been subjected to in the past couple days. Something real and earthy.

When she saw Basil and Aubrey there she almost wanted to turn and run. She didn't want to confront the problem at hand.

She didn't have to.

She walked further in, not wanting to attract their attention with anything until they noticed her naturally themselves. A part of her still wanted to cower away. A part of her was still a child hiding at the top of the staircase with shaky hands as she listened to the shouts of her mother.

Aubrey noticed her first.

"Mari! I haven't seen you or Sunny in the last couple of days! Where have you been? Did you go on a trip or something?" Aubrey's voice was chipper. Completely oblivious to what had happened the days prior, filled with childlike innocence. Innocence Mari couldn't bring herself to destroy.

"Oh, we've… We've just been busy. We'll tell you later, 'kay?" Mari offered in the most upbeat voice she could manage. She wasn't going to be able to break the news. She'd allow the funeral invitations to do that for her.

Aubrey's cheeks puffed up at Mari's clear avoidance of the main topic, but she didn't push. Aubrey always had a part to her that despite her childish naivety was incredibly perceptive to the emotions of others. Maybe it was because of her own home situation, or maybe she was just naturally emotionally intelligent. Aubrey really was a great kid.

"Okay… Anyways! Me and Basil were out here to get some shots of the people in the park! He said he wanted to practice on his… Something. I don't remember. He's always been a lot more booksmart than me! It's a ton of fun still! Come on!" Aubrey spoke, grabbing Mari's hand and guiding her over to where Basil was sitting in the grass. He had clearly already noticed Mari, but had made no attempt to speak to her before she approached herself. Aubrey sat down next to him as he fiddled with his camera, "Mari's here! She can help us with the uh… Whatever you're doing! She's smart!" Aubrey announced happily.

Basil finally looked up at Mari. He had a deer in headlights look. Mari felt pity run through her. He was such a scared and nervous kid, especially for a 12 year old. It was upsetting to know that even she, someone he had known for years, struck some fear into his sensitive heart.

"Hi Mari. It's nice to see you. Me and Aubrey were practicing my people photography. We're going for a candid type look." Basil explained. His voice was soft, but almost robotic. He never seemed to be fully calm. A part of him was always prepared for danger of some sort at any time. He only ever seemed calm around Sunny. The thought made Mari's heart sink, but she took a deep breath and tried to swallow those emotions so no one would notice. Mari was good at that.

"That sounds interesting! Is it okay if I look at some of the shots you already took so I can get an idea?" Mari asked, a smile gracing her lips. Basil nodded gently, getting to multiple polaroids that sat beside them. At the mention, Aubrey almost immediately grabbed them so she could show them to Mari.

The pictures seemed mostly random, some even being a little repetitive, but they had a natural charm that came with them as well. Basil had always had a talent for picture taking. Mari supposed she understood why. It was like trapping a memory inside a box. Safe and contained. It'd always be there no matter what happened. It was consistent and reliable.

The photos were all of people. People walking, sitting down on the benches or grass, playing games, and even a few of the kids playing basketball on the field Kel often practiced in. Unfortunately due to the fast movement in the pictures they were slightly blurry, but the energetic mood they contained was not lost in the messiness.

There were even a couple shots of Aubrey. They were a lot less candid than the other shots, but they were cute nonetheless. Aubrey smiling or striking a pose. It didn't seem to be Basil's forte in photography, but they were nice in their own right. Mari was sure they had at the very least made Aubrey happy to have her photo taken. She was incredibly photogenic.

"Wow! These are all really nice! You've got a good style going on, Basil. You're really talented." Mari spoke, before noticing Aubrey's somewhat dejected frown, "And I'm sure Aubrey's help contributed a lot too!" Mari finished. Aubrey's face lit up at that, and Basil seemed flattered at Mari's compliments.

This was nice.

Maybe Mari could hold off on the future for just a bit longer.