Work Text:
The feeling. He just misses the feeling. Not him, not the memories, but the feeling.
That's what Junkyu kept on repeating to himself like a mantra when he prompted to jump out of his bed and wash right after waking up (he wakes up at like 1PM, yeah I know, his sleeping schedule is basically fucked up), and now he's here, infront of Lotte World, alone.
Who the hell goes to amusement parks alone? Him, apparently.
It's a weekday and although summer already started just a few weeks ago, he didn't expect that there would be alot of people in the park, but maybe it's understandable since it's already 3PM. There are cosplayers, mascots, kids playing around with their parents, and couples on dates wearing matching headbands; the loud theme park melodies playing in the background, mixed with the chatters and screams of the people having fun.
The day is in fact nice, the weather is not that hot despite the sunlight shining directly above him, the wind still blowing to freshen him up much to his liking; and thank goodness he is wearing a white long sleeved tee (since it wouldn't absorb much heat), jeans that hugged his thighs and legs, and his pair of white sneakers.
He squinted his eyes as he scan the place, unconsciously smiling to himself as the memories came flooding back in, which felt as though they were just yesterday's shenanigans, the scenes replaying right infront of him on 3rd person's POV one by one. Is he hallucinating—?
No, Junkyu. You didn't come here to reminisce.
He sighed to himself as he continued walking, feeling kinda lonely after seeing the hundedth couple he passed by today within just a five-minute walk, hut hey, it's still fun. Or maybe he shouldn't have spoken too soon,
"Now where should I start..," —when every corner in this very park reminds me of you, he wanted to add, but he was too afraid to admit it out loud. Too afraid to acknowledge that he, after almost half a year, is still not able to move on; that for some reason, he still can't get over him, and no matter how many times he tried to forget, he will still end up missing him in the littlest of things.
That's how he stopped in his tracks, his smile slowly fading.
Silly me, how many times did I lie to myself today that I'm only missing the feeling, when I'm actually missing you?
The moment he chose to go here, he already knew he can't help but remember him. This was their place, afterall. Their first date, their first kiss, everything, you name it! This place witnessed all the excitement, the joy, the fluttering feeling; including today's heartbreak, where he showed up alone with no one holding his hand but the memories haunting him as soon as he enter the park, like he entered a portal to the past of some sort.
It's all too familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, like he's welcomed but still unwelcomed, walking with his steps full of doubts despite knowing the path too well.
Should I just go home?
He actually has a checklist of what he should do today— yup, he is prepared because he knows that he would just resort to going home once the overwhelming sensation of the memories surging inside him knock him down, and it would be such a waste of time, energy, and money, just like right now. He wanted to just screw his plans up, collect himself and leave, but at the same time, he doesn't want to.
Come on, he's on Lotte World! He traveled two hours just to get here! There are alot of things to do!
Like taking pictures on the photobooth! Yeah, no, not when their pictures from that booth is still kept close in his drawer.
Or riding the vikings! And miss the feeling of singing with him as they scream and hold each other's hands? No.
Maybe I should go to the store and buy a headband.., unless this time, no one would annoy him because he wanted to pick something else for the both of them.
What the fuck.
He chuckled lowly, which sounded like he's so done with himself, slapping his right cheek lightly in the process; anyone that could see him can assume that he is probably sick in the head (which he isn't, just to clear things out). He inhaled and exhaled loudly to level himself, proceeding to head towards the park's cafeteria; and although that place still reminded him of his ex, he decided to just let it be.
And hey, it's already 3:18PM and he still haven't eaten his lunch. Maybe it's the hunger, yeah.
As expected, there are many people inside, but he fortunately found a table fit for two, which is kinda insulting for him to be honest, but of course he still sat down, quietly placing his meal on the table.
But his supposedly quiet-alone-peaceful-not thinking of anything else (aside from his ex most probably) time is immediately interrupted just when he's about to pick up his chopsticks to eat,
"Hey,"
"Yes—?"
Unlike how the media pictures, there are no slowmotion effects nor any romantic background music that played, but it still felt as though the world stopped, he sure felt something the moment he lifted his gaze.
Why do they still feel like home?
That's the first thing that came on Junkyu's mind (after making sure that he's not hallucinating), when he looked up, meeting the person he least expects to see today in the eyes, which, after almost half a year, are still able to take his breath away; the pair of eyes, which, after almost half a year, still feel like home.
And there's this feeling of everything being too familiar yet very foreign at the same time again— unfamiliar, except for the bracelet that still hugged the person's left wrist, that is.
He still wears it?
"May I sit here?" Junkyu immediately looked away when he realized that he has been staring for too long, knowledgeable about the urge of wanting to just hug this person infront of him rising in his chest that he has to contain himself, because it's not like it's the right thing to do to a person you don't know anymore, right? Not even friends.
"It's packed and I don't know where else to sit. I- it's totally fine if you don't want to—"
"It's fine, you can," Junkyu quickly answered, his head still low, not seeing how the other's mouth tugged into a small smile before uttering a thank you that's almost inaudible as he place his meal on the same table, sitting down across Junkyu.
Well this... is awkward.
Junkyu thought, but decided to not break the silence that's been growing between the two of them. Funny how he's just reminiscing the things they used to do before, and now he's actually right infront of him; on a black polo shirt partnered with jeans and black chucks, wearing his pair of eyeglasses because wearing his contacts has always been a hassle to him— of course Junkyu knows all that, and it's like torture to him in a sense that, well, they are once again crossing paths as strangers.
Strangers who know each other a little too well, to be exact.
"You still prefer your dumplings to be steamed and not fried," Junkyu is too conscious of his surroundings that he immediately looked up to face the person infront of him when he heard him talk, which is probably a wrong decision because hell, he's still has the prettiest eyes that have always drawn him in. He cleared his throat for a second to snap himself out of trance, looking away again,
"It has only been five months, not much can change within that time span," he replied, biting off of his steamed dumpling and act as if he isn't affected by every single thing, "And you still can't eat spicy foods,"
"Well, you said it yourself, not much can change within five months," the other repeated his answer, making him snort a little. He thought the conversation would end there, and he honestly hope it did, not until his stupid self unconsciously mutter the words: "But you did change,"
and luckily, the other didn't catch it, "Huh?"
"Nothing,"
"How have you been?"
Junkyu could've sworn the conversation would finally end at his dry ass reply, but of course, small talk to avoid the awkwardness would always be the older's first choice, how could he forget? So out of courteousness, he answered,
"I'm doing fine," —I missed you, again, he wanted to add but decided not to. He just quietly answered the question, not knowing if he should elaborate more just like how he always tells him about his day, remembering how the other would always listen to his stories intently as if they are not by each other's side the whole day, the endless conversations and deep talks that lasted till dawn; if he knew that the last time they did would be the final one, he wished he talked a bit longer.
But he felt like he shouldn't, because of the obvious reason: everything is not as they were before. Nothing much can change in a span of five months, it's true! But maybe it's because the change happened even way before the said five months of pure sadness and longing, that it felt like going back just means experiencing the same pain all over again.
Fighting ain't new to them, they bicker all the time, and most of it are just their way of affection, you know? But the last months before they ended are just pure fights and make up, like it's an endless cycle. It's tiring.
So he's baffled when the eyes that once hurted him still felt like home. Home that's already unfamiliar yet still radiates the same comfort, and the bracelet that's reflecting the light from outside the glass windows which catches too much of his attention is not of any help. Yeah, not much can change in a span of five months.
They ate in peace (atleast that's what it looks like on the outside, unlike the chaos happening inside Junkyu's head right now) as if they are not eating on the same table. Junkyu didn't bother to look at the person infront of him the whole time to keep himself sane, and he's glad that the other is not striking a conversation with him too...
Or maybe he spoke too soon, again,
"You came here alone?" the older asked.
"Why?"
The other was startled with Junkyu's immediate backfire on his question, or maybe it's a way to dodge his inquiry, which he thought is an answer to his question on his head when he saw Junkyu earlier: why is he here alone? "You're avoiding the question... so, you're here with someone, aren't you? A date?"
"Jihoon," Junkyu hates how Jihoon is smiling so innocently like he didn't just ask a ridiculous question that he almost rolled his eyes, but he continued, nonetheless, "I am not with someone, I came here alone,"
Dumbass, how can I be with someone if I still can't get over you?
But of course Jihoon doesn't know that. He doesn't have to.
"I didn't know you are back," Junkyu said, his voice almost drowning on the noise of the people inside. He is focused at his food, not seeing how Jihoon look at him as if examining what he is thinking about.
"Last month, actually,"
And the silence started once again, legitimately this time around, until Junkyu finished eating first. Well, he did intend to finish fast because he can't sit with this situation much longer. His eyes got busy, contemplating if he should bid farewell or not, but just before he was about to open his mouth, he felt someone else's presence right beside him, "Hey, Ji, let's get going?"
Oh.
Look who's asking if I came alone, when in fact he's the one who got a date today. Great.
Junkyu didn't turn to his side to hide the fact that he's interested to whatever's going on with the older's life, well surprise he actually is, but he can kinda recognize this person who just came, though he's not really sure if he can remember his name correctly.
"Can't you see I'm still eating, Hyunsuk?"
Hyunsuk, right. He remembers it now. That guy from the soccer team which Jihoon is a part of too. And I swear, Junkyu doesn't want to pry into their business, but the moment Hyunsuk scooted closer towards Jihoon and place his hand on his shoulder, all of his attention just went on that specific spot— and he knew it was his time to leave.
"Why are you even eating again when we just finished—"
Junkyu cleared his throat again to remind them of his presence, not that it's necessary but it just doesn't look good if he'll just leave right there and then, and lucky enough his brain is still functioning enough to form a what it seemed like a sentence: "I uhh... I'll go first. Bye!"
And so he did storm right off the cafeteria without much thinking, just his inner voice chanting 'must leave, must leave, must leave' repeatedly as if he's in a state of emergency and needed to retreat— well, infact, he is.
From all the months they're apart, it didn't really cross Junkyu's mind that Jihoon would immediately find someone to replace him, though it's not really unlikely. I mean, they've been together for two years going three, and wow, to think that someone, from what he assume, has already took his place in just how many months just makes him think that all they've been through together has been put into waste this fast.
I was wondering what went wrong for half a year... yet here you are.
"Junkyu!"
A sting on his chest. When I tell you he almost stopped and go back running towards Jihoon when he heard his voice, I mean it.
...something that the Junkyu from almost half a year ago would have done if Jihoon just told him what exactly went wrong, although he actually knows what it really is. He still deserves an explanation, afterall, they told each other to be transparent with everything because he thought they were in for the long run— that's what the bracelet he gave meant, why is Jihoon still wearing it if the promise has long been broken?
If they're in for the long run, then why did they get here so soon?
Junkyu continued walking as if he didn't hear anything, determined to be as far as possible because he can already feel the pool of tears threatening to fall from his eyes, and the last thing he wanted Jihoon to see is him still not being able to move on, or how his feelings for him never changed nor faltered for the past months despite all the unanswered why's and what if's, despite trying everything to forget but damn—
it still hurts, and he still loves him. So much.
And when he felt like Jihoon isn't following him any further, it made him realize that he really did lost him already. He's not the same Jihoon who would always run after him after a fight and hug him tight, and most certainly not the Jihoon who loves him.
But it's still such a relief because he can already feel how damp his cheeks are, along with the same old suffocating feeling in his chest, which is probably caused by him walk-running for who knows how far, or maybe because, you know, everything about Jihoon still affects him this badly.
"I knew coming here is a stupid idea,"
-----
Junkyu stayed.
It's already 5PM and he's next on the line for his nth ride: bumper cars. This is the sole reason he doesn't want to learn how to drive— he will probably turn the road into a big bumper cars rink and, well, he certainly doesn't want to be sued when he just literally became a legal adult a few years ago. He enjoys this classsic theme park course anyway, he remembers how Jihoon would always—
Get him out of your damn head, Junkyu.
The last two hours have been like this, and he's now regretting that they tried every ride on this park that there's no way he can't remember him-who-must-not-be-named every single time. Yup, he decided to start the Voldemortification of his ex because it won't do anything but hurt him, not that he stopped hurting anyway.
Besides, he is happy now, and Junkyu could just wish that he is too. Maybe that's one reason why he went here: to have fun again after not being able to feel anything other than pain for months. Though he still is feeling pain due to what happened today, he's actually having fun... not as fun FUN because he is alone, but still fun.
I guess you can really have fun without necessarily being happy.
The keeper now opened the entrance when the last batch finished, and so Junkyu entered and looked for an empty car, immediately spotting the red one with the number 21 indicated on it's front— and coincidental enough, or fate really just hates him this bad— that's actually their anniversary day, and oh look, red is also his ex's favorite color. Nice. Note the sarcasm.
He got no choice though, it's the only car available. So he strided towards it, mentally saying to himself, it's just an innocent red car, stop being an emo bitch who can't get over the past.
The ringing of the alarm and the loud theme park melodies signal the start of the course. Lots of bumps here and there when Junkyu barely even moved, and that's the point of the whole ride, right? Kinda brutal if you might think— who the hell conceptualized that bumping cars, as dangerous and scary as it is in real life, is a fun game anyway?
In contrary, it is indeed fun, not gonna lie. You won't get sued, too.
It's only a minute when Junkyu drove to the side to avoid the drivers who kept on targeting him, laughing silently at the people who end up annoying the ones they kept bumping with, though it's absolutely unintentional (or it is, because it is literally called bumper cars). It's always a fun sight how a bunch of strangers could have fun, or be annoying without holding much grudge for the sake of the game, not until Junkyu felt a car crash on the back of his own quite hard, making him automatically stop laughing, his body moving forward at the impact.
Alright, maybe bumper cars can still get you sued, as he might report this reckless driver who almost made him hit his head on the steering wheel.
"Yah! You don't have to hit me that—" annoyed, he shouted with furrowed eyebrows, looking back at the same time, only to see the person-who-must-not-be-named smiling on the said car.
What the hell?
He blinked two times, open for the possibility that he might be seeing things caused by the way the car hit him hardly, and it's not actually him, but when the familiar face still showed up, that's when he stepped on the accelerator and drove away from the other.
The series of running away, or should I say, driving away from the one who seemed to be chasing him for who knows what reason started. It's just like the old times. And fuck, why does he enjoy it so much? He missed this so bad, and he's not even gonna lie anymore. He missed this, he missed Jihoon, he missed their theme park dates... just like this one. Except it's purely coincidental and Jihoon is with someone else.
Right, he's with the Hyunsuk guy. Why is he here then?
And just like that, the short lived happiness is exchanged by the unavoidable pain he kept on feeling everytime he tries to be okay, because he will never be. Not when he still keep on holding on to his feelings that should've been vanished the moment he got hurt, but jokes on him.
The moment the course ended, he immediately got up and removed the helmet provided, walk-running past through a swarm of people, "Junkyu!"
His heartbeat rose, but he paid no mind, running away. That's the problem with him— he can't move on for his life because he needs closure, but he kept on avoiding any kind of conversation that involves talking with his ex, or any other contact. He did before, he tried reaching out to him but to no avail, until it became a fear, which came from the certainty that they are over even without anything to mark the ending. He still isn't ready to officially end it, though he knows it already did a couple of months ago, and stupid enough, he doesn't want to let go just yet.
Not just because of the closure, but because he just can't get rid of his feelings. After almost half a year, he can't.
"Junkyu!"
A hand on his.
He looked back, his gaze on their hands, feeling sparks that traveled from it up to his chest, immediately shrugging it off.
Sparks are deceiving, you know? They are supposed to make you shine, and they once did, but they are the same old spark that can turn into a wild fire till it burns you down.
Just like Junkyu right now. Burned down, but his ashes still scream one name: Park Jihoon.
"I finally caught you!" Jihoon fake panted, looking at Junkyu till he slowly come to a realization that his presence is not really welcomed. He stood still, voluntarily retreating his hand, laughing to himself to ease the awkwardness, along with Junkyu who's trying so hard to suppress any kind of emotion that would easily break his strong facade.
"Why?" Junkyu managed to ask, a little smile on his lips so that it won't be too obvious that he is infact very scared. Scared of what will happen.
But instead of an answer, he received a smile from Jihoon before he fumbled on a paper bag, placing a headband on his head. It's cat ears.
Junkyu looked up and saw that Jihoon is wearing the same one too.
"Cute," Jihoon whispered under his breath as he arrange the other's bangs.
"This is a first," Junkyu said, looking straight towards Jihoon's eyes like he was in a dream, is this real? He doesn't even know anymore. His chest feels full that he might cry any moment.
"What do you mean?"
"You always nagged about me wanting to get cat ears because you said they were "too" cute for your liking, so we always end up choosing a different one,"
Jihoon's eyes landed on his, like both of them are having flashbacks. It's already growing dark but their eyes still gleamed with the light system lighting up the theme park.
"I'm sorry," Jihoon said.
He doesn't even demand an apology, but Junkyu felt as though something not really broken, nor not even really deep, has been patched up.
Or maybe it's because he had always felt bad about that situation, but didn't have courage to bring it up until today.
Junkyu was about to ask why is he here again, when Jihoon suddenly said, "Bumper cars has always been fun. Where do you wanna go next?"
Junkyu furrowed his eyebrows, "Fun? You purposely hit me and chased after me the whole time! I am exhausted."
"Aye, you were laughing awhile ago, don't lie!"
Junkyu rolled his eyes when Jihoon laughed, walking past the latter for the second time today, but this time he isn't running for his life anymore, still hearing the laughters gradually dying down as he walk away,
"Yah, Junkyu!"
"Don't follow,"
But he is again halted by a hand taking purchase of his own.
Is he doing this on purpose?
"Wanna eat? You said you're exhausted. My treat,"
"Why are you acting like this?"
Junkyu immediately asked back, wanting to know what exactly is Jihoon's agenda. He tried to not sound like he's annoyed, he just doesn't want to get his hopes up again, because everytime he does, that Hyunsuk guy just pops inside his mind. Like right now.
"Acting like what?"
Acting like nothing's wrong.
"Park Jihoon."
Both of them stopped, looking at each other as if they are deciphering what's inside each other's mind. It's not until Jihoon sighed, his voice almost inaudible, saying, "I missed you,"
Fuck.
Junkyu always wondered about that— is he still missed? Does he long for him just like how he does every single day? Does this park remind him with every touch, laughter, and memories they shared?
And just like that, his walls are coming undone once again.
His eyes glistened, the tears threatening to fall reflecting the lights around them, blinking it away as he look down. Silence amidst this loud environment ensued between the both of them.
I missed you too, Jihoon
And it's as if Jihoon heard him, he felt a hand on both of his shoulders, causing him to look up; Jihoon is behind him, pushing him playfully to keep their tracks going, "Let's go eat! My treat. Did you know there's a new chicken stall here? You'll love them, I swear!"
---
Junkyu doesn't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but he's happy.
Is he being stupid? Yes, he is fully aware, actually.
It has been an hour since the bumper car ride and the dinner with the new chicken stall with Jihoon, and they just finished riding the Vikings. If someone will suddenly come up to him and say that he time travelled to the past, he might actually believe it because for the whole time, it felt like nothing went wrong— both of them happily scream-singing as they hold hands just like before, laughing at each other's faces like they've always been fine.
Junkyu doesn't want to be caged in the past- is it right to compare what's happening right now to yesterday's memories? Not really, but the way he does is just a self reminder that no matter what happens, it'll never go back to the way it was before.
But come on, is it bad to choose temporary happiness even for just a few hours?
"Ji, let's go, you're wasting money," Junkyu said, annoyed at how Jihoon is still fumbling at his wallet to play this knocking off cans with a ball of some sort. They have been here right after the Vikings ride, and I swear he didn't know Jihoon would actually play it when he said he wants that big ass Shin-chan stuff toy.
"One last time! I told you, I'll get it for you,"
Junkyu wanted to laugh at how that was the 4th time he said that, with all the first three attempts with 3 chances each were all a failure (and of course Jihoon would always blame the wind for it).
"Move a little to the right, you're not centered," he is even helping Jihoon aim, facepalming when Jihoon looked at him with his sheepish smile after the unsuccessful first throw he wasted yet again, "Told you,"
"Maybe if you cheer for me instead?"
Junkyu lifted his right eyebrow, "What am I, your cheerleader?"
Jihoon shrugged, "I mean, I can hear you scream and cheer for me everytime we have a soccer match before so..."
"Clue word: before,"
Jihoon just stuck his tongue out at him before turning around to play his last two chances on winning the stuff toy again. Junkyu folded his arms, shaking his head as he smile, he really thought Jihoon had changed, but he's still the same old determined person who always does his best if he wants something; Junkyu suddenly finds himself counting all the stuff toy Jihoon had won for him everytime they go here, and they are actually still on his bed accompanying him to sleep ever since they broke up. Right, we have broken up.
"Both of you are cute, is he your boyfriend?"
Junkyu whipped his head to his right to see the owner of this gaming stall standing right next to him, watching how Jihoon aims the ball to the stack of cans. Junkyu lowered his head, not really sure if he should deny it or not, because he does hope that was the case.
Just as when Junkyu lifted his gaze to reply, he heard a scream of joy along with a tight hug and small hops coming from his side, "Ahh! I won!"
Junkyu stood there, kinda dumbfounded on what's happening, but the hug never failed to warm him up and make him feel fuzzy all over. He reluctantly hugged Jihoon back, the first time in a while, and he hopes Jihoon can't feel how hard his heart is beating right now, that it might jump through his shirt anytime.
If only he could stop time and stay right here, at this very moment.
"Jihoon," Junkyu called him when he's still not letting him go, tapping his arm repeatedly to somewhat wake him up. Jihoon then broke himself from the hug, "Sorry, I got carried away,"
It's not even that. Junkyu is just conflicted about everything right now, causing his pushing and pulling. One moment he wants Jihoon back, just to completely switch up later on, planning to just move on after this day. One time he would be so hopeful, and the next few minutes he would be so pessimistic.
Just like right now. They are walking around the park, the stuff toy on Jihoon's arms as he said he will carry it for him, and all he thinks about is how he wants this day to end already because he knows that everything that happened today will just be the history of tomorrow.
"It's already 7pm, Ji, you do know that it takes hours of bus ride till I get home, right?" Junkyu said, telling Jihoon that he needs to go home now. Aside from the fact that it is already night and wanting the day to end, he is already worn out and his social battery is almost dying, too.
Jihoon took his hand, dragging him to the ticket booth at the middle of the theme park, "One last ride! You love seeing city lights at night, right? Besides, Ferris wheel isn't extreme!"
Junkyu sighed, Okay, one last time
And just like that, memories started flooding his mind yet again after stepping inside the platform of the ride. Confessions, kisses, star gazings and wishes, the deep talks, the plans they made inside this very small space... all of it. They all just kept on coming, hitting Junkyu on the places where it hurts.
Turn your pain into lessons, they said. Does that mean if you're still hurting and chose not to move forward, you haven't learned yet?
But then, it's Junkyu's choice to let his walls down again afterall.
One, two, three, four...
Five minutes of pain, or is it regret? Either way, both of them seem to be on the same page of reminiscing what was lost, half of the ride with just silence enveloping the whole place. Junkyu looked at the city lights below them once they reached the top, feeling a little lost at how high up they are, and suddenly, a whole wave of overwhelming emotions just struck him.
"Junkyu,"
His attention was diverted back to the person just beside him. Junkyu tensed at the sudden call, but he still hummed in response, not really liking as to where this is going. He had always wanted to have a proper closure, but if that means forcing himself to not love Jihoon anymore, that would be a little too hard.
"We can still be friends, right?"
Too hard.
He doesn't know what he was expecting, but it's definitely not this one. Sadness is a little too vague to describe what he's feeling right now... or is it the urge deep inside him wanting to just hug Jihoon and beg him to come back to him?
Because if he doesn't have any dignity nor any pride left, he will. He knows damn well that he will.
Friends? No.
Junkyu wanted to answer, no wait, he wants to shout, but nothing came out of his mouth. He seemed to be tongue tied, feeling a little suffocated at the small space they have inside, and he's not even claustrophobic. His chest hurts, a little too painful than he ever felt, his eyebrows furrowed as it triggers that same warmth around his eyes everytime he cries.
Be friends, and what? Pretend that I don't love you anymore?
And somehow, the quietness made it even harder to breathe. Is Jihoon being serious right now? No messages nor calls for 5 months straight and expect that in a few hours, they will be fine again? That it'll undo all the damage? Well, Junkyu wishes it's that easy, for as long as he is loving Jihoon, his heart would still be breaking.
But when the other noticed the silence and asked, "Is it still me?",
—everything began collapsing yet again.
Junkyu looked down, not really sure if he should be honest or not. Tell the truth and be vulnerable, or lie and fake his strong facade again to deceive his ownself into thinking that he is fine when he's not? However, he realized that the more he pretends, the deeper the cut stings.
Junkyu remained his eyes on his shoes, "Always have been,"
Junkyu tried putting his feelings down. He almost thought he did for the first few months, busying himself with university, not minding how fast the time pass, hoping that it would heal him. Wounds heal through time afterall, right?
Until he began asking if time can actually heal it, or are we just getting used to the feeling of loneliness... or do we just learn to care less? Faking it not until everything comes crashing again on the time you thought you almost breakfree from the pain.
Maybe it's because of the memories. Memories that were once feelings. Memories that can be forgotten over time but he couldn't, because of the feelings attached to it that he could never let go.
Just like this place. Full of memories. Full of feelings. Traces of Jihoon. A whole map of happiness, and still got lost... but he couldn't let go.
"We can't keep on hurting each other like this, Junkyu," Jihoon replied, carefully approaching Junkyu with a light touch on his hand, "I can't keep on hurting you,"
"I just don't understand, Jihoon," Junkyu answered, looking aimlessly at the void from outside the glass as he let his tears fall silently against his cheeks, "You just... left. Without even a notice. You were just gone. We were just gone,"
He sighed, breath shaking as his eyes pour tears like the sudden rain during summer afternoon: you knew it was coming but still expected otherwise. He felt Jihoon draw circles at the back of his hand slowly, soothing him down but it never stopped.
"You didn't even bother checking up on me. For fucking 5 months, Jihoon, not a single word," This is the first time they saw each other and talked, he didn't even know Jihoon came back last month as he spent the last months of university before summer break all alone. He then turned to Jihoon, seeing his head low, not meeting his gaze. He continued, nonetheless, "You could've atleast told me something, Ji,"
And when Jihoon lifted his head to face him, Junkyu saw his tear-stained cheeks too, and he can't help but feel more pain. They stayed like that for awhile, in the silence that's not quite comfortable; Junkyu waited for an answer.
Jihoon looked down again, squeezing Junkyu's hand as if he's holding on to his life, "It just felt a little too much,"
"I was being too much?" Junkyu squeaked out.
"No, me," Jihoon turned to him, "It wasn't healthy anymore, and I never realized how suffocating I am until I heard you crying while talking to your mom over the phone,"
Isn't it fascinating how memories bring back the feelings we felt exactly that time?
Because after all this time, Junkyu is still hurt. He thought the pain was only because of their break up, but it's actually also about the cuts left untreated when Jihoon left. It's all coming back now, and all he can do is breakdown, his tears clouding up his vision.
"It's been a series of fights that I always start, may it be the littlest of things or out of pettiness, and although we always make up at the end of the day, I know it's tiring. So I wanted to give you space," Jihoon added, his head low again, "I'm sorry,"
Junkyu's emotions suddenly fueled, added with a little bit of rage, "And you think leaving me hanging will magically make everything okay? I needed you that time, you should've been there on the times I was doubting but you're not," he said, frustration evident on his tone,
"Gave me space? You didn't come back, Jihoon. You gave up on me, on us!
And now you're here asking if we could still be friends after making me feel like we could go back together? Because fuck, I still want you back, Jihoon. I still love you,"
Junkyu shook Jihoon's hand off of his, burying his face on both of his palms as he cried loudly, but somehow, the silence is still deafening. He never heard anything from Jihoon, and he doesn't even know if he wants to hear more, because afterall, the damage has been done. He came back, but the explanation doesn't really matter anymore—
"I'm sorry."
—and it's sickening how he's still willing to forgive him. Even though it's as clear as the day that Jihoon doesn't love him the way he does.
"You deserve someone better,"
"Then be the better one for me,"
"Your better is already my best, Junkyu."
"Is it because of that guy?"
Silence.
And as if it's on cue, the ferris wheel ride came to an end, slowly inching down to bring the passengers out of each cell as Junkyu's heart sink deeper to the ground along with it. It's just painful how the very person you wanted to be with, is the same person who would tell you to be with someone else.
Cause if it's easy, Junkyu would've done it.
but he's here; crying. heartbroken. Replacing every happy footstep of the past with a sad one.
"You shouldn't have crossed my way and told me you missed me if you don't want me again," Junkyu is now way calmer, though his feelings are still beyond the roof and his face is still red out of crying, "I was so ready to risk it all again for you, Jihoon. I hope you know that,"
The door to their passenger pod opened. Junkyu immediately left, bringing only himself, leaving all the things they bought and the prizes they won today all on Jihoon's care.
He planned to enjoy this day, hoping to be alright, but he should've known that the map he once knew every way to, is the same map that led him to the deadend of hurting with no turning back.
This theme park's magic was good while it lasted. He tried bringing it back— the happiness, but maybe it isn't just meant for him. For now, atleast, saying it just for the sake of looking forward to tomorrow's betterment, which he does hope will come.
He came home all alone, today's shenannigans still on his mind, bothering him till dawn, haunting him like it always does. Stuck at a place, in a feeling, in a memory where he always has been.
---