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The last thing you expected to walk into after hanging out with friends was Mouse dead on the living room floor, and Custer screaming his ass off about his broken nose that was staining the carpet.
“What the fuck?!” you shouted. Your bag dropping to the floor beside you, looking between Mouse’s body, to Fez, to Ash, who just stood there with a bloody hammer in his hand.
“That’s what I was just askin’!” Fez exclaimed, hands on his head as he stared at Ash with a look that either meant he was proud as fuck or that he wanted to kill him.
It could have been both to be honest.
“He was a fuckin’ problem and I dealt with it!” Ash shouted back, shrugging as he did.
“Okay, okay,” you began, running a hand through your hair in frustration, “go scrub the absolute fuck out of that hammer, all the blood all the fingerprints, gone, got it?”.
Ash groaned but nodded, heading towards the bathroom with the hammer.
Custer was still screaming, making you even more annoyed, “Could you shut the fuck up?!” you yelled at the man crumbled on the floor.
“That lil shit broke my fuckin’ nose!” Custer screamed back.
“You’re lucky he didn’t completely rock your shit man,” Fez piped in, stuffing his gun into the waistband of his pants.
You turned to your boyfriend, “What happened?” you asked, frustration obvious in your tone.
“I dunno, Ash fuckin’ came outta nowhere, fuckin’ launched himself off the couch and took out Mouse,” Fez told you, still in disbelief himself.
“Well thanks to him we now have some fucker crying on our floor and another sent back to hell,” you said, motioning to Mouse laying on the floor.
Fez groaned, sitting on the back of the couch and putting his head in his hands.
You wanted to comfort him, tell him it was going to be okay but you had bigger problems to worry about right now.
“Okay, okay,” you said, taking off your jacket and tossing it on the couch, “you told me your grandma got rid of some bitch once right?”.
Fez looked up at you and nodded, “Yeah I helped,” he replied.
You couldn’t help but think of 11 year old Fez dragging a body out of the house with his grandma. The image was slightly humorous you had to admit.
“Okay, remember how?” you asked, Fez nodded and got up from the couch.
“Okay, get started on that, I’ll help Mr. I Can’t Stop Fucking Screaming,” you said, motioning to Custer.
“Oh fuck you bitch,” Custer spat.
Fez walked over to him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and yanking him up and out of the chair he was sitting in.
“Don’t ever fuckin’ talk to my girl that way again, got it? You’re lucky she’s gonna help your stupid ass,” Fez said, his voice full of venom.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry man!” Custer said, holding up his hands in surrender, making Fez drop him to the floor.
As much as you wanted to kiss Fez at that moment you decided to save it for later and headed to the bathroom, grabbing the first aid kit and quickly heading back to the living room.
You opened the kit and tossed a pair of gloves to Fez who pulled them on, ready to get to work on Mouse.
“Sit,” you told Custer, who placed himself back into the kitchen chair. You pulled up another one and sat down, grabbing the necessities from the kit.
You’d gone to school for a couple months to be a CNA before you realized you’d rather do anything than wipe an old lady’s vagina or sponge bathe a creepy old man.
Pulling on some gloves of your own you made Custer remove his hands from his face so you could properly survey the damage.
Ash had gotten him pretty damn good, it was for sure broken, it would need set back into place.
You grabbed a dishcloth from the kitchen and held it in front of Custer’s face.
“Bite,” you told him, the man doing as told and you wasted no time in taking his nose in between your fingers and giving it a good yank to the right.
Custer screamed, obviously, the towel muffling the sound pretty good, but he relaxed after a second.
You cleaned off the blood, placing a patch of gauze and tape over the wound.
“I’m no miracle worker so honestly you might just wanna go to the hospital after this,” you told Custer, starting to out away the medical supplies.
Custer only nodded, “Thanks,” he muttered.
“But if you say anything about Ash I will personally hunt you down and cut your dick off, got it?” you added, turning to Custer again.
You heard Fez huff out a laugh behind you as Custer nodded quickly.
“Good,” you said, turning around as you watched Fez, now helped by Ash, carry Mouse’s body to the bathroom.
You followed them, but not before threatening Custer once more that you’d pluck his teeth out one by one if he ran while you were gone.
“What are we gonna do with him?” you asked, leaning against the door frame of the bathroom as you watched Fez and Ash put Mouse in the bathtub.
“Teeth out first, then finger prints,” Ash told you casually.
“I can get the pliers,” you said, moving to leave the room but Fez stopped you.
“Baby, I love you, but I don’t want you messin’ with this shit okay?” he told you, a pleading look in his eyes.
“But the 12 year old can?” you replied, pointing to Ash, who flipped you off in response.
“Please, baby?” Fez asked.
You sighed but nodded, “I’ll clean up the blood in the living room, that okay?”.
Fez nodded, giving you a small smile, “Thanks babe.”
You grabbed another pair of gloves, detergent, vinegar, some warm water, paper towels, and hydrogen peroxide. Being of the female persuasion you’d had a bit of experience getting blood out of fabric.
Setting to work on the carpet after making sure you could see Custer from where you were, you started with dabbing up most of the blood with the water, detergent, and vinegar.
After that you used hydrogen peroxide and in no time the stain from Mouse was gone. You cleaned up the blood from Custer after and then threw the blood soaked paper towels in a garbage bag.
It was getting later and later by then, Fez and Ash had barely left the bathroom and the one time Fez did the entire front of his shirt was covered in blood.
You sat on the couch with Custer, trying to distract yourself with the television, at one point Custer passed out, probably from blood loss or pain but you didn’t really care.
Finally, around 2 am, Ash and Fez emerged, both covered in blood as well as holding multiple garbage bags. You didn’t ask questions just held the door open for them as they headed out to the car.
They stuffed the bags into the trunk of Fez’s car, and then came back in, both showering, changing, and tossing their clothes along with bloody towels and such into the trash bag with the bloody paper towels and gloves you’d used earlier.
After that they both scrubbed the bathroom thoroughly with bleach, throwing the final evidence into a trash bag and tying it up.
Grabbing the final trash bag, Fez turned to you, “I’ll be back okay? Ash is stayin’ with you to make sure fuck ass over there don’t pull nothin’.”
You nodded, “Be careful okay?” you asked, Fez only nodded before walking out the door.
Ash plopped next to you on the couch, sighing, “That was harder than I thought, he was a thick bitch.”
That comment made you laugh, throwing your arm around the younger boy you pulled him close and hugged him tight.
You two watched tv, apparently falling asleep because the next thing you knew a blanket was being pulled over you.
Ash had his head on your shoulder, sound asleep, and Fez was there, putting a blanket on you two.
The sun was rising outside, and a smell of smoke and something you couldn’t quite pick up came from your boyfriend.
“Hey,” he told you softly when he noticed you were awake.
You sleepily held out your arm to him, wanting him to join the cuddle pile but he shook his head, “Gotta clean a few more things ‘ight?” he whispered.
Mumbling something about him being a party pooper you closed your eyes, settling back into the couch.
You vaguely heard Fez talking to Custer, and the front door opening and shutting before footsteps and the shower turning on in the other room.
It was a while before you felt Fez sit beside you, now smelling like his body wash, he wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close.
Ash moved in his sleep to lay his head on your lap instead, grumbling a bit.
“Love you,” Fez said quietly, pressing a kiss to your forehead.
You smiled, cuddling up to him, “Love you too.”
Fez never told you exactly how he and Ash got rid of Mouse, but you could only hope he’d stay gone.