Work Text:
まだ 溶けきれずに残った
日陰の雪みたいな
想いを抱いて生きてる
“Hey, can’t you speak?”
Kazuha flinched at the sudden interruption of his serene solitude, only bringing his knees closer to his chest as he tilted his head up to take a peek. His quiet sobs died down, feeling fear clumped up in his throat as he debated on whether or not he should respond to the boy that was staring back down at him. The cold continued to engulf him with his thin long-sleeved sweater as the snow continued to pile up surrounding him.
It was as if there was an instant connection that Kazuha felt when he saw the bright violet gaze filled with worry. Kazuha felt like he could trust him, but his voice was betraying him, his lips wouldn’t move, and his whole body clammed up. It took about 10 seconds for the purple-eyed boy to begin looking bored, waiting for Kazuha’s response. Kazuha noticed this, but the boy continued to stay regardless with his toy plane in his right hand.
“Can’t you speak?”
The boy asked louder than his previous attempt. Kazuha immediately cowered, hiding his face back into his knees at the loud voice. The boy immediately felt guilty for startling Kazuha, as if he scared a tiny kitten into a corner. Kazuha didn’t view the boy as a threat though, he’s young, but he understands that maybe, just maybe, he could trust him.
Just as soon as the boy was about to leave Kazuha alone, Kazuha had mustered enough courage to speak.
“Can’t… speak.”
Kazuha’s voice trembled, but it was loud enough to reach the boy’s ears.
“Huh?” The boy didn’t understand. His face morphed from bored to puzzled.
“What do you mean, you can’t speak? You just spoke to me to tell me you can’t speak,” the boy pointed out. The boy’s curiousity got the best of him, and he immediately crouched in front of Kazuha, who still had his face buried in his knees.
“I’m Tomo.”
Kazuha heard him loud and clear, but he didn’t understand why this boy was suddenly giving his name to him. This made Kazuha slowly let his gaze go out from its hiding, immediately locking his gaze with the boy named ‘Tomo’ that was surprisingly close to him now. Tomo widened his eyes as if it surprised him, which alerted Kazuha because he knew it must have been his eyes.
“I’m s-sorry,” Kazuha whispered before hiding his eyes once more.
“Your eyes are pretty.”
Kazuha couldn’t believe his ears. His eyes were far from whatever Tomo just uttered. Pretty? No way. His father had always spat at how ugly and demonic it looked. Crimson irises traveled back to the boy, confusion plastered on his face before shaking his head in disagreement.
“N-no, my father said they’re disgusting,” Kazuha choked out his words, shaking when he caught himself talking way too much than he was usually allowed.
“What?? No way! Red is my favourite colour, and your eyes sparkle like glitter!” Tomo grinned.
It was so bright. The way Tomo was glowing when he grinned, with the sun shining brightly behind his golden locks. Kazuha felt like he was staring at an angel he had read in books.
“What’s your name?”
Tomo tried his best to keep the conversation going, his toy airplane long forgotten at his side as he continued to gaze into Kazuha’s shy eyes. Kazuha kept quiet. This was unexplored territory, and he wasn’t sure what to do. Kazuha was so scared of how overwhelming everything was. Tomo noticed this.
“I’ll call you ‘princess’ then! You’re pretty like princesses in storybooks.”
Still no response. Kazuha had heard Tomo, and Tomo knew Kazuha had heard him as he noticed the smaller shoulders slumped in relief. Although Tomo was the loud and energetic child he was, he stayed quietly beside Kazuha for the entire evening.
It was spring when they first met.
. *: ･ ﾟ ✿ ﾟ ･ :* .
It had been a week since their first encounter. Tomo used to play with other children at the playground. Now settles himself next to the silver-haired boy, rambling about his adventures that go on throughout his day; about how scary his mom would be if he returns home with dirty clothes, how he had a room of his own since he’s a ‘responsible’ child. Kazuha had no one talk so carefreely to him before. It was like a breath of fresh air, the kind of air that was addictive, which made Kazuha upset when Tomo had to leave but excited when Tomo said, “see you tomorrow.”
Tomo got used to Kazuha’s quietness. The first time Kazuha muttered his name to him was when he talked about how he was born in spring and that the cherry blossoms were in full bloom when his mother conceived him.
It was initially awkward to Tomo, but he had asked his mother how weird the new neighbour’s kid is since he barely spoke. His mother, however, was kind enough to explain that different people have different communication capabilities; some are shy and more reserved, whereas kids like Tomo are loud and obnoxious. Tomo got a little upset at that unnecessary comment from his mother, but he knew it was just a tease because that was how his relationship with his single mother was. Tomo matured up quite fast for a 5-year-old. He didn’t want to worry his mother too much. Ever since losing his father, he became more independent and helped around the house more. Figuring things out when he was young made him more understanding than his peers.
Truth be told, he was pretty sympathetic seeing how lonely Kazuha was; that was the sole reason he kept staying by Kazuha’s and tried to get the red-eyed boy to talk more to him. But it was constantly one-sided, considering how meek and shy Kazuha was.
The day Tomo excitedly ran to the same tree, Kazuha had always waited for him to invite him to the beach with his mother over the weekend was the day Kazuha wasn’t there waiting under the tree.
Tomo was not always a patient child. In fact, he only started being patient when he met Kazuha. He would usually be slightly fussy when he had to wait for his favourite dinosaur nuggies to be cooked or when he had to wait for his turn to play with a toy.
So, Tomo sat at the same place Kazuha usually buried his head in his knees and waited.
He waited.
And waited.
Until he fell asleep, waiting for Kazuha to arrive.
He was only woken up by his mother, who had a relieved expression washed over her face. Tomo groggily looked around to see that it was already dark out and the moon was illuminating the night sky. Tomo’s mother immediately hugged him tightly, and Tomo knew he must’ve caused his mother to worry about not returning home before curfew. All Tomo could do was look at the empty tree bark as he was carried home.
The following day, Tomo came by the tree again, and to his excitement, Kazuha was there. With his toy plane in his hand, he rushes to the tinier boy’s side. But Tomo instantly notices that Kazuha was...crying? Kazuha’s shoulder shook as he sniffled, keeping his face covered like how the first time Tomo met him. The taller child immediately wrapped his arms around Kazuha, soothing the latter’s back like how his mother used to whenever he was upset.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
Tomo was only greeted with more muffled sobs; Kazuha shook his head very briefly but let Tomo’s warmth engulf him. Like how Tomo is, he isn’t very patient, especially with his friend crying so tearfully like this.
“Kazuha, please”
Kazuha only gulped again before shaking his head once more, this time with his face lifted slightly.
“C-can’t talk, p-papa will hit Kazu….”
Kazuha had fear written in his eyes, with his left cheek reddened and a bruise formed right above it, making his left eye more swollen than his sobbing aftermath. Tomo’s eyes widened with worry, which was quickly replaced with anger. He’s young, but he’s not dumb to know that it was wrong to simply hit someone when they did nothing wrong. Before he knew it, he held onto Kazuha’s hand and tugged the more petite boy up to make him stand before dragging Kazuha to his house.
“Y’know, real dads don’t do that.”
Everything was a blur. Although it was startling that he was pulled away to Tomo’s house, he let him. With his eyes puffy and his head ached, not sure whether it was from the impact of his father’s hand or was it from all that crying, but he just lets his legs move as Tomo guides him. One second he was following Tomo to wherever he was bringing him; the other second, he was on a couch with a worried older woman holding onto him. He couldn’t hear very well because everything was too overwhelming for him. All he heard was some buzzing and blurry images before he closed his eyes, feeling secure in the unfamiliar environment before falling asleep.
The next thing Kazuha knew, he was awake and standing right in front of his own house. But he wasn’t alone. There was loud chattering all around him as tall men dressed in uniforms stood at the front of his house.
Why are they there?
Kazuha was still dazed before he felt a hand holding onto his, gripping it slightly but not too tightly as if it was an attempt to keep him calm. It worked, though. Kazuha turned his head ever so slightly to witness Tomo staring intensely in the direction of his house. Everything was tense, and Kazuha couldn’t grasp whatever was happening. Before he knew it, he heard the familiar cusses that haunt his nightmares; the voice laced that would always accompany pain to him after. Kazuha felt his stomach churn before being shielded by Tomo, that stepped in front of him. He heard his father clamour directly at him with a sickeningly sinister tone, blaming him it was Kazuha’s fault that his life was in shambles.
“You made me like this! Your face that looks exactly like that stupid bitch!”
Slander after slander, Kazuha felt as if his world was shattering beneath his feet. Kazuha had to hear every word but realised it became muffled when he felt warm hands covering his ears. He looked up to see Tomo staring down at him with very sorrowful eyes. Kazuha didn’t understand why Tomo looked so sad. Was it his fault? Did he disappoint him too?
Before Kazuha could say anything, Tomo hugged him. It felt… nice? Kazuha, for once felt… happy? If you could put it that way.
But on top of all that, he felt safe.
He knows he is safe now.
ねぇ 僕はこの恋を
どんな言葉で とじたらいいの
“Kazu-chan, look here!”
Kazuha looked up from the book he was reading to see Tomo with his beautiful bright grin and a small white but slightly muddy furball snuggled up in his arms. Kazuha, who was resting under a tree littered with pink petals and reading a book that was a little too complicated for his age, placed the book down to his side before standing up to inspect closer what Tomo brought with him this time.
“I think it’s hungry.”
Kazuha couldn’t help but smile, seeing how Tomo was scratching the small animal’s head ever so gently as it meows. Ever since Kazuha’s father was taken away, Kazuha had temporarily lived with Tomo and his mother before his father’s sister, Beidou, volunteered to be his official guardian. The court ruled that his father no longer had the right to care for him, and they sentenced him to jail. Kazuha learned that the resentment his father had inflicted on him was because his mother had run off with another man, only to disappear from the face of the Earth since then. Kazuha was only five when he had to take all of this information in.
Beidou knew things weren’t precisely picture-perfect when she witnessed how quiet and distant Kazuha is whenever she came to visit once in a while to see how her brother had been doing. She assumed that’s just how Kazuha is. Oh, how correct her intuitions were when she got a call about the arrest of her brother. It was out of guilt that drove her to care for her brother’s son, but it was the way Kazuha’s crimson eyes sparkled when she told her stories of her ventures that made her stay.
Even with the sudden shifts in Kazuha’s life, Tomo stayed by his side. Wherever Kazuha was, Tomo would be there by his side, holding his hand.
“I will always protect you, princess.”
It was just a simple impulsive statement, yet Tomo, who was also only five, kept it like an oath. Now that they’re two years older, Beidou decided it was best to let Kazuha be around Tomo more since he was the only one Kazuha didn’t go all rigid and anxious with. Tomo, of course, made plenty of friends in their nursery school, causing trouble here and there, but no matter what, he would always run back to Kazuha to keep him company.
“Princess, try petting her”
Tomo’s gaze is now fixed onto Kazuha’s, leaving the more petite boy to gaze back into those violet-hued eyes. With Tomo’s hands gently holding onto Kazuha’s, it was an assurance that it was safe, making the corner of Kazuha’s lips slowly curve upwards into a soft smile, letting his fingers brush on the soft fur.
“So soft… like a marshmallow.”
“You’re always thinking of food, Kazu-chan!” Tomo couldn’t help but grin wider anyway, seeing how Kazuha’s eyes very rarely sparkled in excitement. In the boy’s eyes, having Kazuha be this happy would mean a great opportunity always to protect that smile.
“Let’s keep her, princess.”
Kazuha halted his movements before his smile faltered slightly.
“Are you sure, Tomo-kun? Wouldn’t you want to ask your mom first?”
“Nah, don’t worry about it! Ma will definitely let me keep it! And you can come over anytime to see her!”
In truth, Tomo wasn’t entirely sure that his mom would allow him to keep the feline creature, but if he explained to his mother that it was partially for Kazuha too, his mom would 100% let him keep it. Kazuha couldn’t help but latch onto Tomo’s side, forgetting all about the book he was reading earlier. Both of them agreed to name the cat ‘Tama’ after rambling on a whole bunch of random words that they learned in school, deciding that the name is close to Tomo since he will be the one that’s going to take care of it.
As the sun sets, Tomo made sure that Kazuha safely arrived at his house before returning to his home, proudly presenting the kitten to his mother.
あなたのすべてが
明日を失くして
永遠の中を彷徨っているよ
“Kazuha, let’s get married when we become adults! We can have an entire house to ourselves and have lots of kittens like Tama, and then we can play games all day without having to study.”
Tomo grumbled during his timeout because he was caught doodling on his workbook instead of completing his maths exercises. Kazuha couldn’t help but smile as he settled himself next to Tomo at the corner of the class during break.
“Tomo-kun, you should stop getting yourself in trouble with Ms. Miko. You know she’s gonna call your mom again.”
“Yeah but, math is so boring!”
With a soft smile, Kazuha rests his hand on Tomo’s in an attempt to console the stubborn boy. Tomo, who had a frown on his face, immediately softens, turning his gaze back to the owner of the hand.
“I can help you with math, you know.”
Tomo immediately retracted his hand away in disbelief, gasping as his face morphed back to a shocked expression.
“I’m not bad at math!”
It startled Kazuha when Tomo moved away from him, looking at the taller boy in confusion, only to be further puzzled by his interpretation of his aid.
“I didn’t say you were bad at math! I only offered to help!”
“W-well! I don’t need your help! I’ll prove to you I’m very much good at math!”
Tomo huffed, turning his head the other way with his arms closed. Kazuha knew that Tomo was very competitive, and he obviously took offense when Kazuha thought he needed help with his math homework. But of course, it made Kazuha feel upset. He wanted to help Tomo in any way possible, like how Tomo was there for him when he was at his worst. Kazuha was not the best at talking. Even with all the advanced literature he had read at a young age, he didn’t know how to console people like Tomo does. Kazuha felt as if he was nothing but a burden that Tomo needed to carry.
With his mind spiraling amongst negative banters with himself, Tomo, who was supposedly ‘sulking,’ glanced his eyes slightly to see why Kazuha had suddenly gone quiet. This was when he noticed that the smaller boy was lost in his thoughts again. And judging by his subtle facial expression, it’s definitely not the best of thoughts. Tomo knew this just by looking at him, and he knew he might have said something that made Kazuha in distress.
Tomo’s eyes went wide in realisation, immediately hugged Kazuha tightly.
“Tomo’s here to protect you, princess.”
This would usually work whenever Kazuha got scared of thunderstorms or when he read about things that made him sad. And it did. Kazuha calmed down almost instantly as he leaned into Tomo’s warmth. Despite Tomo’s stubborn exterior, he would always become soft whenever things were related to Kazuha.
When Ms. Miko went back to class to check on Tomo, she smiled when she saw both Tomo and Kazuha were asleep in each other’s arms.
. *: ･ ﾟ ✿ ﾟ ･ :* .
“This is for you.”
A mop of sandy-coloured hair abruptly interrupted Kazuha’s gaze from the sky coming into view. Kazuha couldn’t help but smile almost instantly when his eyes were locked with Tomo’s excited ones. Tomo unceremoniously greeted him with an armful of cherry blossom petals and Tomo’s grin being brighter than the sun. Tomo then threw the petals above Kazuha’s head, letting blossoms flutter around the latter. With wide eyes that sparkle in awe, Kazuha watches the pink fall like snow, only it was warm, as warm as Tomo’s embracing him from the side.
Kazuha lets himself be engulfed in the warmth as both of them sit in silence, admiring the clouds that pass by as they perch themselves at the tree bark that Kazuha was leaning his back against before. Since it was spring, Ms. Miko decided it was a great idea to let the kids touch some grass and have a picnic with them.
It’s not uncommon to see all of them separating themselves into groups of close friends. Of course, Tomo would never leave Kazuha out of his sight. When he was playing with his other friends, chasing beetles, and busied himself collecting cherry blossoms, he made sure to check on Kazuha every once in a while before settling himself next to the silver-haired boy.
“Let’s play with Ayato and Thoma, Kazu-chan! You’ve been reading that book the whole time! Is it really that interesting?” Tomo leaned himself against Kazuha’s side as he tried to take a glimpse of whatever the smaller boy was indulging himself in. There were way too many words for him to comprehend that he just gave up entirely to gently pull the book away and place it at his side.
“Hey! I was reading that.”
“ Well… Now you’re not!” Tomo grinned before tugging Kazuha up from his sitting position, dragging him away to their other two friends that were waiting for them to come. Kazuha, Tomo, and Ayato became friends since they lived nearby, and Thoma came into the picture when he transferred to their kindergarten in the middle of the year.
Ayato had always observed Kazuha and Tomo, but he always kept himself in the background. He noticed, but he never really cared since he somewhat knew Kazuha’s family history. He didn’t mind knowing that the both of them are closer to one another compared to how they are as four because the only person who could encourage Kazuha was Tomo, and the only person who could calm Tomo down was Kazuha.
Ayato can’t help but scoff when he witnessed Tomo’s quirky antics successfully drag Kazuha from his quiet solitude to join them for a game of hide-and-seek.
Only Tomo could do that — the only person who could make Kazuha smile that much.
さよならできずに
立ち止まったままの
僕と一緒に
“Duuuuude, when did you get so tall?” Ayato slung his arm across Tomo's now broad shoulders. The sandy-blonde male couldn’t help but chuckle at the comment.
After their winter break, they got a chance to see each other again. Ayato had gone on a vacation with his whole family to another country, whereas Thoma had gone back to his home country to visit his mother. Kazuha was the only one that wasn’t aware of how tall Tomo had grown since they spent the whole summer break with sleepovers and helping Tomo’s mother around the house with chores. Kazuha noticed that Tomo was somehow better at dusting the ceiling fan without the help of the mini ladders or stools anymore, but Kazuha assumed that it’s normal for growing teens.
And of course, when Ayato said that Tomo had grown super tall, the latter sheepishly grinned as it fueled his ego up just before he even got to class. Tomo wrapped his arm back to Ayato before flaring his nostrils with pride before he turned his gaze back to Kazuha, who was walking right by his side.
“You hear that, princess? Ayato just said I’m tall and handsome now.”
“I never said you were handsome, dimwit!” Ayato rolled his eyes before landing a loud, playful smack at the back of Tomo’s head, erupting laughter within the group at Tomo’s whining at the tinge of pain. Thoma chuckled at the scene before him, but being the most caring one in the group; he rubbed the back of Tomo’s head soothingly as the taller male clung onto him, pointing at Ayato accusingly.
“Smother yourself with Thoma all you want. I’m taking your princess away!” Ayato announced before he walked ahead to class, dragging Kazuha along with him.
“H-hey! Kazu-chan, come back! Oi!”
The four of them raced with each other to class, laughing and running through the halls without a care in the world. To Kazuha, he had never felt happier. He understood that with his friends, he was safe. No matter what happened, they’ll always be together; and that’s the only thing that mattered.
The school bell rang right when all of them arrived at their class, where they immediately settled themselves to their seat, locating themselves near one another. Tomo had made a point always to grab the seat behind Kazuha. The reason being that he needs to make sure that Kazuha is safe. It has grown into a habit to make sure that Kazuha is always within his peripheral view, and he does it unconsciously. Kazuha was used to it, and needless to say, he even grew dependent on it.
As they all settled down and class started, Tomo, who usually never focuses, got more distracted than he usually does. And the culprit is no other than the boy himself right in front of him. Kazuha didn’t particularly do anything though. In fact, he practically did nothing to interrupt Tomo’s focus in class. Tomo couldn’t put his finger on it. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Kazuha’s back.
As Tomo propped his elbow on his desk, resting his chin against his palm, he was shamelessly staring at Kazuha. With the way the sunlight hit the silver strands of hair that made it look like it was glittering, to the asymmetrical style of Kazuha’s tiny ponytail that drapes off to the side of his shoulder, to the powdery white span of Kazuha’s neck. Tomo finds them attractive. But what he couldn’t understand was why he was staring at his best friend so intensely .
Tomo admits Kazuha is really pretty for a guy. But that doesn’t undermine how handsome he is compared to other classmates. In fact, Tomo could proudly say that although he is the most popular student in class, Kazuha was the most attractive. Well, to his eyes, Kazuha’s perfect. Tomo could go on and on about how Kazuha’s scarlet-shade irises alone could illustrate his entire personality; filled with immense kindness and a tinge of aloofness; his eyes sparkle every time he constructs his infamous spontaneous haikuus. Kazuha would always vaguely express himself, but that’s one of the things that Tomo absolutely adored about him.
Now to think of it, Tomo hasn't realised how fixated he was at noticing all the minor details of Kazuha. It was as if he was obsessed with him.
“—earth to Tomo.”
Tomo was pulled back to reality, with his gaze interlocking with the same crimson eyes that left him breathless. Tomo felt stunned at the sight before him; his eyes wavered as they unconsciously traced down the boy’s facial features. Tomo began to note that Kazuha’s eyelashes were naturally curled with fairly noticeable gaps between each lash; the bridge of his nose was slightly indented in, appearing like a button-shaped nose. As soon as Tomo finally laid his eyes on Kazuha’s lips, that’s where it struck him.
He wanted to kiss him so bad.
“Tomo? Are you okay? Are you sick?”
It was as if Tomo almost had a major heart attack when he realised how close Kazuha’s face was to his. Tomo unintentionally pushed himself back too hard and too fast that he lost his balance from his chair, falling from his seat with a loud thud.
“Dude! You okay?”
“Tomo, are you hurt?”
Worrying phrases from his peers bounced and echoed in the classroom, but all Tomo could hear now was how loud his heart was thumping, eyes wandering around the room before landing back to the culprit of his accident. Kazuha had his hand extended out to him, but Tomo couldn’t help but stare at the delicately structured fingers waving in front of him.
There’s no way—
. *: ･ ﾟ ✿ ﾟ ･ :* .
“Hey Tomo, I heard from Kazuha that you’ve been acting off lately.”
They were at the school’s rooftop as Thoma settled himself beside the brooding teen that was staring off at a distance, portraying his signature ‘no thoughts, head empty’ face. It took a few seconds before Tomo turned his face slightly to face his friend with a slight pout.
“You wanna talk about it?” Thoma smiles and hands him a curry bun as a peace offering to the taller male, observing as Tomo politely declines before staring off into space again.
“I don’t even know what to talk about, Thoma.”
“Well, you could start with who or what is making you think way too hard than you usually do.”
Tomo kept quiet as he took his time to respond to Thoma’s prompt. It wasn’t hard to pinpoint exactly who the culprit was when that person was the only one that had constantly been running in his mind for weeks now. And by running, he meant by running around together with him in slow motion with cherry blossoms fluttering around in the background as some of the petals scattered on the soft white hair with a red stripe. Tomo truly didn’t understand why images of Kazuha had conquered almost all of his struggling brain cells when all the boy ever did was look at him.
He took a deep breath before turning his face once again to look at Thoma, trying to imagine the blonde-haired teen in the same setting where he imagined Kazuha was. As soon as he envisioned Thoma running around with him in a cherry blossom field, Tomo cringed so hard before shaking his head to snap him out of it.
“I’ve lost it, I can’t believe I’ve lost my sanity, and I’m not even 18 yet,” Tomo groaned out loud as he smacked his palms onto his face.
“Let me guess, is it Kazuha?”
Tomo’s eyes widened when Thoma hit the nail on his head. His guess was spot on, and Tomo immediately gasped.
“Before you ask me, how did I know? It wasn’t really subtle when you’ve been trying to avoid looking at him, but you’re also following him around like you always used to.”
The sandy-blonde male groaned again before burying his face back into his palms in embarrassment.
“I don’t know, Thoma. I feel like a mess whenever Kazu-chan’s around. Like, yeah, I know he’s really pretty and all, but have you seen how beautiful he is when he smiles? No, scratch that— He doesn’t even need to smile to look that gorgeous. The way he scrunches his eyebrows when he’s focusing on reading his philosophical books and the way his hair falls, barely covering his ruby-like eyes. And the worst of all, he smells so good?? Who even wakes up and smells like warm pancakes with maple syrup???”
As he ranted his whole heart out, Thoma broke into laughter. Tomo was left baffled as he felt like he was being mocked for his misery. Thoma wiped the tears brimming in his eyes as he calmed down, patting Tomo’s shoulder in a weak attempt to console him.
“Tomo, you’re in love.”
“In love?? With who??”
“Kazuha! Who else would it be, idiot.”
Oh—
Oh.
Thoma watches in amusement as the metaphorical cogs in Tomo’s brain start to spin and piece itself together. If Thoma could put a term to what face Tomo was making, it would be the loading screen symbol circling around for a while before an ‘error’ screen pops out when Tomo looks at him bewilderedly.
“What should I do, Thoma?? Is this why my stomach feels all queasy and weird whenever he’s around?” Tomo was genuinely concerned if his feelings would interrupt how he would act around Kazuha.
Thoma started laughing again.
“Tomo, for someone smart at solving equations, you suck at figuring out your own personal problems.”
Thoma’s laughter died down as he smiled softly at the sight of a very troubled-looking Tomo. He gently placed his hand on the high-ponytailed teen’s shoulder again before squeezing it gently.
“Just tell him about your feelings and see. Trust me, nothing bad will happen.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I know so.”
Tomo’s distraught features soften before a huge grin replaces it almost instantly. He jumps up to sand from his previous position before snatching the curry bun from Thoma’s lap, ripping the wrapper open, and taking a massive bite out of it.
“Thanks, Thoma! I’m gonna go do that now!” Tomo spun at his heel as he munched on the bun, finishing it in a few bites.
“Do you perhaps know where Kazuha is?”
“He’s in class. You won't miss him.”
“Thanks, Thoma. You’re the best guy friend that a guy could ever have. I owe you!” Tomo gave Thoma a quick hug.
“Oh! And please don’t tell Ayato about this. If he knows, he’s never going to stop teasing me about this”
And with that, Tomo headed back to go and find Kazuha. Thoma sighed and shook his head in relief.
Only Kazuha could do that — the only person who could have Tomo all jumbled up in his feelings.
. *: ･ ﾟ ✿ ﾟ ･ :* .
Kazuha had stayed back in class because he was waiting for Tomo, Ayato, and Thoma since they would always walk home together. Ayato had to meet up with their homeroom teacher, and Thoma said he would talk with Tomo privately, so Kazuha sat alone in their classroom. He was busy reading before he was startled when Tomo came rushing in, panting heavily as he went straight to the shorter male.
“Tomo— Are you okay?” Kazuha stood almost instantly when he saw Tomo standing in front of him.
“Kazu-chan, can I try something with you?” Tomo held both of Kazuha’s hands in his, making Kazuha tilt his head up in confusion. Kazuha had his brows furrowed worriedly as Tomo inched closer to him.
“Kazuha”
Kazuha lets the silence comfort the boy before him, thinking that maybe what he needs is some time to process what he is about to say or do. Kazuha was no mind-reader, but he felt that maybe what Tomo was going to say next would be the reason why he had been avoiding looking at him lately. Kazuha acknowledges that right after Tomo’s growth spurt, he had grown exponentially attractive, and having the said male’s face up close to him had his body experience weird tingles that he had never noticed before.
“Can I kiss you?”
Kazuha widened his eyes at the question as Tomo held his breath but continued to stare deeply into Kazuha’s gaze. Of course, on first instinct, Kazuha thought he was joking. But Tomo was definitely not fooling around when Kazuha felt the other teen’s grip tighten.
“Please?”
It didn’t take too long for Kazuha to decide when Kazuha himself had been staring at Tomo’s lips for the longest time. The white-haired male nodded once, muttering a soft ‘okay’ that was loud enough for Tomo to hear.
It was as if time stopped as Tomo’s lips were pressed against Kazuha’s. Both boys had their eyes closed as they interlaced their fingers with one another’s. The kiss was brief and a little hasty, a little inexperienced and innocent. Kazuha’s face was flushed red as Tomo was mirroring him too. Crimson meets violet gaze as they try to calm their own thrumming heartbeats. Waves of unfamiliar but warm emotions blossomed as they continued to stare at each other a little longer. No words were exchanged as Tomo brought their intertwined hands up and pressed a kiss at the back of Kazuha’s hand.
“I like you, Kazuha.”
Kazuha’s eyes wavered, and he swore he could hear his own heart threatening to leap out of his chest. Kazuha never knew what his feelings were whenever Tomo was around, and now when it’s presented all raw and transparent to him, he felt as if he was choked up with how overwhelming it was to him. Everything was too new and unexpected. He wanted to run away like he always does. But seeing how sincerely Tomo laid his heart out for him, he melted. He, too, knew that he was in love with his best friend.
“I like you too, Tomo.”
まだ解けない魔法のような
それとも呪いのような
重い荷物を抱えてる
“Princess, look here.”
A flash went off as Kazuha was munching on his tuna onigiri . Tomo was busy using his phone to take lots of pictures of them together since they were in their last weeks of junior high. Kazuha only smiled softly as he continued munching quietly as the other three were busy posing and passing around their phones to take pictures of themselves.
Tomo, Ayato, and Thoma got into music and formed a band. It was initially Tomo’s idea to perform together as a team, so he got himself a guitar, Ayato took classes for bass, and Thoma was a natural at playing guitar. Kazuha had said that he was too shy to be in a band with them, and Tomo didn’t want to push him. Besides, Tomo did plan to write songs for Kazuha. That had been his dream ever since they got together.
Although the three of them would always be busy coordinating their tempo with each other’s playstyle, they would always ask Kazuha to tag along to watch as they played.
Today was slightly different. Ayato decided that it was best for them to take a break from practicing too much and have a picnic instead. Tomo brought his guitar along, strumming a few chords to Kazuha’s usual humming. Kazuha had positioned himself beside Tomo as both of them leaned against a big tree bark.
“Tomo, how do you play your guitar?”
Kazuha’s eyes were fixated on the instrument now transferred to his own arms. Kazuha, for one, knew how guitars work. He just wasn’t familiar with how Tomo manages to make such beautiful melodies just from plucking on the strings with his fingers. Kazuha took his time to examine the guitar, smiling when Tomo leaned in to help position himself with the guitar. Being the cheeky man Tomo is, he managed to sneak a kiss on Kazuha’s cheek, flustering the boy as he subconsciously held onto the guitar close to his chest.
“You look cute with my guitar on you, princess,” Tomo whispered before making sure his face was close to Kazuha’s. They didn’t exactly tell anyone about their relationship; only Thoma somewhat knew since he was the one who pushed them to get together. Tomo and Kazuha were naturally affectionate with each other, so people don’t really bat an eye about it.
“You two! Look here and smile!”
Thoma positioned his phone’s camera towards the couple before tapping on the shutter button on his screen a few times. To Kazuha, he wants to always remember this moment, knowing that he won’t be able to experience these things as often as they used to anymore. Kazuha managed to get into a different high school from the other three that managed to get into the same high school. That’s why, Kazuha cherished this moment, being close to the friends he trusted, being next to the one he loved. The white-haired teen could only stare at the taller male grinning back at him brightly, and if Kazuha could stop time, he wished that he could live in this moment forever.
Escaping from Ayato was an intractable task since he kept asking many questions that Tomo refused to answer. Right after their picnic session, Tomo decided to take separate routes with Kazuha. Ayato, of course, was in disbelief, claiming that Tomo was stealing their time with Kazuha away and wanted to follow. Kazuha, on the other hand, didn’t really know where they were going. The shorter male had always been dragged around with Tomo to many new places he had never been to.
So here he is, hand clasped with his lover as they ran, feeling the exhilaration of new excitements that bubbled up as his legs were struggling to catch up with his boyfriend. It wasn’t really fair since Tomo could take longer strides because he had longer legs, but alas, they still managed to take a bus, seeing Ayato fuming when the bus took off as soon as they got on it.
Tomo was laughing, not minding the looks he had from other passengers as he waved to Ayato and Thoma. Thoma scoffed and shook his head but waved back anyway. Tomo’s laughter slowly died down as they went to settle in available seats next to each other.
Kazuha had his head rested on Tomo’s shoulder as the taller man himself leaned close to Kazuha’s side and rested his head on top of Kazuha’s. It was quiet, as there weren’t that many passengers on the bus. Tomo then starts to hum. It was familiar to Kazuha, yet he couldn’t quite figure out what song it was since he doesn’t listen to music that much.
“What the heck is that weird song?” Kazuha muttered as he had his eyes closed, enveloped in Tomo’s warmth.
“Weird song? Kazu-chan, it’s the song that you’ve been humming the other day” Tomo let out a burst of soft laughter, smiling as he gazes down at the male that had been clinging onto his arm.
“Was it?”
“It was”
“Really?”
“Really”
“Where are we going, Tomo?” Tomo couldn’t help but smile adoringly as he locked eyes with Kazuha, leaning in close to place a small peck on his forehead.
“You’ll see.”
. *: ･ ﾟ ✿ ﾟ ･ :* .
The first thing Kazuha noticed when they arrived was the cool breeze and the smell of salty air that hit his nostrils. As soon as they stepped out from the bus, they were greeted with a never-ending (at least to Kazuha) span of sand that’s connected with a large body of water. Tomo had brought them to the beach.
“Come on, princess.”
Tomo took Kazuha’s hand in his as he led the way, walking side-by-side, approaching slowly to the vast sea presented in front of them.
“Woah! It’s so damn cold! I’m freezing my balls off her here– Let’s go home!” Tomo yelped almost instantly when the harsh winds hit their faces. Tomo was shivering as he wrapped his arms around himself. It was autumn anyway, so it was understandable that the wind was colder compared to summer.
“You were the one that wanted to come here.”
“It seemed like it’d be a decent date spot,” Tomo whined back as he turned his head to face Kazuha. Kazuha’s face flushed a light hue of red, smiling softly as he looked back to the sea.
“A date?”
Tomo sneezed at the cold, or rather– at what Kazuha said
“You never even asked me out,” Kazuha says in a matter-of-fact tone, watching as Tomo rubbed his now red nose with his finger.
“Hey, technically, you never asked me out either. So that goes for both of us. Oh! Do you have tissue?” Tomo grinned as Kazuha stared at him before taking out a small pack of tissue handing it over to the taller male.
“Everyone thinks we’re going out,” Kazuha muttered softly as Tomo blew his nose for a bit before responding.
“Well, we basically are”
“Is there even a difference?”
“Hmm, maybe like 1% difference? Ah shit, the ocean is gonna kill me!”
The ocean waves accompanied their conversations, letting them flow naturally as they stood next to each other, watching the sky emitting different shades of colours as the sun sets.
Kazuha then widened his eyes at a sudden realisation, making Tomo startled as well as he stared at the white-haired male.
“I think this is the first time I’ve ever come to the ocean,” Kazuha muttered, making Tomo gasp at the revelation.
“Huh? Are you serious?” Tomo placed his hands onto Kazuha’s shoulders, gripping tightly but not too tightly.
“I’m sorry I said the ocean is gonna kill me,” Tomo breathed out in panic.
“What are you talking about?”
“The ocean’s awesome! It’s the best!” The taller male raised his tone to show that he was enthusiastic about it.
“Lying is as easy as breathing for you, huh.”
As time passed, Tomo walked ahead of Kazuha as he began to hum the melody again. Kazuha himself didn't realise the same short tune was stuck in his own head. Kazuha was tailing him, basking under the cold ocean breeze as he listened to Tomo’s repetitive hummings.
“Hey, let’s go home already,” Kazuha called out to Tomo, making the taller male turn his head slightly.
“Just five more minutes”
“Why?”
“I’m drilling it into your head that I’m the first person you came to the ocean with,” Tomo said cheekily as he continued to saunter, making sure that he wasn’t walking too far from Kazuha as he spoke.
“Most of my firsts are with you, Tomo. You still want to have more of them?”
This made Tomo halt from walking, looking at the ocean before sparring a glance back to Kazuha.
“You might remember when you come to the ocean again. On another day when the autumn winds are strong. Or even when you randomly start humming that weird song,” Tomo stated. It was a rare sight for Tomo to be serious, and Kazuha understood that Tomo was being truthful in whatever he was saying.
“I won’t forget this even when we don’t spend another 5 minutes here.”
“Nah, you’re gonna forget. You’ll remember it next year, maybe even after five years. But you probably won't think about it much in 10 years, I bet." Tomo smiled as he started to walk again, facing away from Kazuha.
“I'm pretty sure I'll still remember this day, even ten years from now." Kazuha protested. Although in his head, he was sure that he might forget, little by little.
“Alright, let’s go home, Kazu-chan.”
ねぇ ぼくはこの街で
どんな明日を 探せばいいの
“Kazu-chan, why haven’t you answered my calls? I’ve been so worried.” Tomo chased after Kazuha to the train station, Ayato and Thoma tagging along behind him as Kazuha walked straight, not even giving a glance back to the person who was calling out for him.
Ever since they enrolled in their new high school, the four of them had been hanging out less than they usually do. Tomo promised to see Kazuha at least twice a week, and somehow, that twice a week became once a week and then reduced to once every two weeks.
Call him immature, but Kazuha was upset that he was lonely. Kazuha knew that Tomo was juggling band practice, school, and a part-time job, yet to Kazuha, he felt as if he was slowly losing something important, something that he held dear. And it made Kazuha angry that Tomo prioritised his band practices rather than spending time with him. The shorter male had felt this for quite some time now, and he’s had it. Seeing Tomo’s face made him fueled with rage instead of the comfort he had always felt before.
“Kazuha, please, I don’t think you understand how important this is for my future!” Tomo yelled, which made Kazuha halt from walking further.
It was a rare sight to see them fight. Ayato knew from the get-go why Kazuha was upset and why Tomo had lashed out. Ayato had seen Tomo running around doing errands and doing his best to make time for Kazuha. Ayato was pissed that Kazuha didn’t understand. Tomo had always been careful when he was with the white-haired male and had always treated him the best out of everyone in their friend group.
But lately, every time they meet, Kazuha’s eyes didn’t shine as brightly anymore, and Tomo’s laughter was often forced. Ayato saw them falling apart, yet he didn’t do anything about it because he thought things would turn out fine and they would make up like they always do.
“Kazuha, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
Tomo’s tone of voice immediately changed as he approached Kazuha, seeing the shorter male’s startled face when Tomo got angry at him.
It isn’t fair. Tomo always had everyone around him, but Kazuha only had himself. Even right now, Ayato was by his side, and Kazuha never felt more alone than he was before. Kazuha had always preferred solitude because he knew that Tomo would always come by and stay by his side. But now, it’s different. Whenever Kazuha was alone, he truly felt lonely. It made him feel like how he felt when he was a child, abandoned by his own father for existing.
It made Kazuha feel helpless.
Kazuha knew he was being inappropriately upset over this, and even he himself couldn’t find the rationale for his own feelings. Too many overwhelming emotions filled Kazuha’s head that he himself couldn’t point out what he was experiencing.
“Princess, you know I would do anything for you.”
Tomo had repeatedly reminded him of that, yet Kazuha knew it was far from the truth. Tomo would try to do anything for him, but it doesn’t mean he will grant all of his wishes. Tomo spoiled Kazuha; he knew that. But he didn’t understand why, why was he so upset when Tomo said that.
Tomo placed his hand on Kazuha’s shoulder, only having it harshly brushed off.
嗚呼
“Would you die for me then?!”
To Kazuha, he had only spewed those words out of anger, and he didn’t mean any of it. Even Ayato knew Kazuha never meant to say it. In fact, Ayato was surprised that Kazuha, a person who never yelled or lost his temper, said something like that.
And with that, Kazuha left.
He was running away again, running away from his problems.
冷たい涙が空で凍てついて
やさしい振りして舞い落ちる頃に
Two days after the incident, Kazuha had an abundance of missed calls and text messages from Tomo. Kazuha knew he was at fault, yet he did nothing to reconcile with his lover. Kazuha was stubborn; he didn’t do anything when Tomo was the one that kept trying to contact him.
Today, Kazuha woke up with only one voice message that was 3 seconds long. It hurts him that he was torturing both of them simultaneously. Kazuha didn’t understand why he was doing this in the first place. He wanted so badly to run back into Tomo’s arms and apologised. He wanted to be the person who was supporting him, not the one who was bringing him misery. It took all of Kazuha’s rationale to get himself up and get ready.
Kazuha acted immaturely, and Kazuha was going to apologise to Tomo, tell him that it was his fault, and say to him that he missed him. Kazuha wrapped a purple scarf around his neck that used to be Tomo’s, bringing it to his nose as he felt the calming scent of spring, flowery and warm, just like how Tomo is.
Their houses weren't that far since Kazuha had yet to move out on his own, whereas Tomo was now living in his own apartment near school. Kazuha had gone there multiple times, so Kazuha knew the route there like the back of his hands. Going past the playground that they first met to the pre-school where they met Ayato and Thoma, Kazuha recalls them all vividly. Kazuha looked up to the sky to see the sun shining as it was melting down the snow residue to prepare itself for spring, the season where Kazuha always looked forward to because everything about it reminds him of Tomo.
As Kazuha arrived at Tomo's apartment, Kazuha didn’t expect the door to be already unlocked. When Kazuha swung the door open, his sensitive nose was overwhelmed at the smell of alcohol, confusing the teen as he knew that Tomo was far from a drinker. Kazuha could count the number of times Tomo drank with one hand, noting that Tomo actually hated the aftertaste whenever he consumed alcohol.
“Tomo?” Kazuha held his breath as he entered the living room, finding Tomo’s guitar laying around recklessly on the floor. Kazuha had always loved the way Tomo’s guitar felt in his hands. It was as if he was holding a piece of his lover when he brought the guitar close to his chest, embracing the instrument as he walked around the small apartment. Kazuha knew that Tomo was messy, but seeing cans of sake littered all over the floor was worrisome.
“Tomo?”
Kazuha called out his name again when he went straight to his boyfriend’s bedroom, opening the door ajar as he was greeted with a heavier foul smell, and
Tomo…?
Kazuha choked on his own voice, pupils shaking as he held on Tomo’s guitar so tight the guitar strings snapped.
Kazuha couldn’t scream or cry, staring at Tomo’s lifeless body as guilt accumulated. He wanted to run away. This was all his fault. His fault for never understanding Tomo’s feelings. His fault for being too selfish to admit that it was a mistake.
His fault now that Tomo was gone.
It was all his fault.
離れた誰かと誰かがいたこと
ただそれだけのはなし
Kazuha never meant the words he said.
But Kazuha’s words had always meant the world to Tomo.
So, he kept it.
あなたのすべてが
かたちを失くしても
永遠に僕の中で生きてくよ
The spring breeze brings comfort to him as he holds hands with another.
“Fragments of memories that envelopes itself from bittersweet moments were those that slipped from our fingers; even with these words that I sing to commemorate each experience could never withhold the beauty of you, my dearest.”
Kazuha tightened his grip and looked over at his side. The person he’s looking at right now at this moment was not Tomo, and Kazuha accepted that.
Kazuha accepted Tomo was all of his firsts.
His first friend, his first love, his first kiss;
His first heartbreak .
But Kazuha had also come to terms that not all of their firsts would be their lasts together. Kazuha was certain that Tomo was his one and only soulmate, but fate had other plans.
“I love you, Kazuha” were the exact words that left Tomo’s lips when he sent Kazuha that last voice message. Even during his final moments, Kazuha could feel the warmth radiating from those simple words, keeping him company on those winter nights.
The phrase that once belonged to Tomo has now been taken over by someone else. Someone who was very different from his Tomo. But, it’s okay. This person is the person that Kazuha holds dearly, as dear as he once had onto Tomo.
Tomo once said that Kazuha would forget.
True enough, Kazuha was sure he’d start to forget, little by little;
The name of the bus they got off during their date to see the ocean,
The colour of the sweater he was wearing on that day,
The conversation they shared among themselves at that time.
“I’m sure I’ll start forgetting, little by little,” Kazuha muttered as he turned his gaze from the sea to the person that was holding his hand at the very moment.
Apparently, that’s called loneliness.
Although Kazuha’s heart now belongs to another, there will always be a part of him that will never forget.
It was spring when they first met, and it was winter when Tomo left. Kazuha won’t run away anymore. He will continue loving him, remembering him, missing him, and cherishing all their mementos in spring.
さよならできずに
歩き出す僕と
ずっと一緒に