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“And if she were in the room right now, what would you say to her?”
Shauna stares straight ahead. The question moves through her brain like molasses, thick and sluggish and impenetrable when it sets in.
It hadn’t been her idea to see a therapist. When they were rescued, none of them were given much of a choice. They’d spent nineteen months in the wilderness after a plane crash where half of their team died in front of them, and they wouldn’t tell a soul about what had occurred; to any sane parent, that screamed “trauma beyond what we can handle as a family.” So here Shauna is, sitting crosslegged on an old beanbag in a stuffy corner office, across from a woman in a turtleneck sweater with a hilariously bad perm.
Dr. Rogers isn’t all bad. Hell, some of the things she says maybe even make sense. The haze that has overtaken Shauna’s brain over the past two years seems to clear just a tiny bit after every session. But maybe there are some parts that she wants to stay clouded. The back recesses of her mind, where the light doesn’t hit anymore, where she lives…Shauna doesn’t want to go there.
“If Jackie Taylor were standing here, and you could tell her everything you never got the chance to, what would you say?”
The sound of her name jolts Shauna’s surroundings into frightening clarity.
Jackie.
Jackie isn’t here. Jackie is dead. Jackie is gone.
Jackie is…
She feels the prick of tears in her eyes. The room starts to spin. Her hands ball into fists.
Jackie.
All the things she never said to Jackie.
I stole your stuffed rabbit when we were eleven, is the first thing Shauna thinks.
It’s a stupid little secret; she never knew why she did it. Or maybe she did. It was the first time that she had stolen something from Jackie, but it hadn’t been the last. Petty little things, like toys and a cute pair of jeans that didn’t even fit her. Bigger things, like boyfriends. Shauna always told herself that it was because she was jealous of everything that her best friend had. For years she pushed away the voice nagging in her brain that said she just wanted a piece of the girl to call her own, in whatever capacity that might be. That she was addicted to the creature comfort of having what was Jackie’s when she couldn’t have Jackie herself.
You were so goddamn stupid for not just coming inside.
The thought stings the second it enters her brain. Shauna tries to tell herself that it isn’t her fault. At the first fall of snow, Jackie should have just come inside. They hadn’t banished her, had they? They didn’t tell her she couldn’t come back in. Shauna never said she had to sleep in the snow, she didn’t know there was going to be snow. All she had done was stand up for herself. All she had done was let loose a tumble of words and accusations that had been pent up since they were kids. Even if those weren’t all of them.
I should have gone out and brought you in myself.
Yet Shauna knows it is her fault. Because as much as she hates always being the bigger person, the stakes had been too high. They were in the fucking forest. Alone. She should never have gone to sleep without knowing that Jackie was safe. Her instincts had been telling her that, but she ignored them in her self-righteousness. She wishes she hadn’t. With every bone in her body, she wishes she could go back to that night and coax Jackie back inside, wrap her shivering body in a blanket and lie by the fireplace with her. Shauna wishes she had held her and whispered that they were both assholes but everything would be okay, that she was safe. That Shauna would keep her safe. She would give the heat pumping through her veins just to get Jackie warm again. It haunts her that she didn’t.
I only fucked Jeff because I wanted to fuck you.
She doesn’t know how that one would’ve been received. Maybe Jackie would’ve been flattered. Maybe she would’ve been disgusted and found a new best friend, even though there were slim pickings towards the end. The thought of losing her is what kept Shauna quiet month after month, year after year. But that didn’t make it any less true. She wanted Jackie. Those big hazel doe eyes like something out of a painting, those honey curls bouncing off of her shoulders, the calculated sway in her step when she knew everybody in the room had their gaze on her. It captivated Shauna. She wanted to run her hands along Jackie’s skin and tell her she was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The desire became paralyzing. Overcome with an ache for someone she could not have, Shauna knew the closest she was going to get was the person who did have her. She didn’t fuck Jeff to hurt Jackie; she fucked Jeff because she wanted desperately to taste Jackie on his lips, and she still keeps him around because he’s all that’s left. Sometimes she wonders what he tastes on hers now.
I love you. I’m in love with you.
Was it really so crazy, to think that they could've had what Taissa and Van had? There were days when Shauna was sure that something was just under the surface, heating and simmering and waiting for someone to acknowledge it. Whenever either of them would tell the other that they were the best friend she’d ever had, there was always what felt like an empty space after. A place for an “and” or a “but” where one of them could just spit it out and make it all fit together. Now there's no way to know if Jackie was waiting for it the way Shauna was. A part of her feels like she might have been, and she will always mourn the loss of finding out. If Jackie loved her back to the same depths…then Shauna is so much more of a monster than she’s ready to face.
I’m sorry that we—that I—
Feeling something sticky and wet on her hands, Shauna unclenches her fists to find that her nails have dug into her palms. Her breath hitches at the sight of blood. She grabs for the golden heart at her throat. Jackie’s necklace. Jackie’s heart.
“Shauna? Did you hear the question?”
She’s a million miles away.
She misses Jackie’s voice.
Jackie’s laugh.
Jackie’s smile.
Jackie’s lips.
Jackie’s frozen, lifeless body, that they—
“I’m sorry,” Shauna croaks out. “I just want to tell her that I’m so sorry.”