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You jolt awake, heart ramming itself against your ribcage. On cue, you feel a strong arm wrap around you, and you cling to it as if it were a lifebuoy, keeping you from drowning in hysterics. The arm doesn’t pull away from your viper grip, and with long, shaky breaths, you manage to calm down your erratic heartbeat.
While lifting your hand to your forehead to wipe off beads of perspiration, you glance at the digital clock residing on your bedside table; 3:43am.
“You alright now?”
You turn to face the owner of the voice- your boyfriend, Aki Hayakawa. The faint light emitting from the digital clock is enough for you to be able to make out his countenance; his eyebrows furrowed, his lips turned down into the slightest of frowns and dark azure eyes scanning you with worry.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a nightmare.” You explain, as if it wasn’t already obvious.
Aki and you frequently wake up from nightmares, now more than ever. Some nights just you, some nights just Aki, some nights both. It was routine at this point for you to comfort each other until it was possible to fall back into a slumber.
Aki nods, he doesn’t ask you about the contents of your nightmare, as he already knew what was haunting your daily life so bad it follows you into your dreams:
Aki Hayakawa is going to die in just under 2 months.
Aki had kept his lifespan a secret from you for quite some time, and you genuinely believe he planned to keep it a secret to his grave. You only found out when the Angel Devil asked to meet up with you, alone, without Aki. Which is something Angel had never asked for before, so you immediately knew it was serious.
“I don’t know if the future can be changed, but we can try. We need to convince him to quit, to move far away from the Gun Devil. To quit the public safety bureau, to live a normal life. Or at least he could join the private sector with you.”
And you had promised Angel that you would do everything you could to try and convince your stubborn partner to give up his revenge plan, which was ultimately going to cost him his life. But Aki thus far hasn’t budged.
When you first saw Aki after your meeting with Angel, you were livid. You went into a fit of hysteria, sporadically switching between screaming at him and breaking down into sobs. You demanded why he would keep something so important hidden from you. Demanded why you only found out when there was already so little time remaining. Aki explained it was because he didn’t want to worry you. That you and him both knew that working in the public sector was a death sentence for anyone, and he knew giving his own sentence a date would just make you feel much, much worse. And he was right, with the lead up to the date came the recurring nightmares and the perennial sickness in your stomach.
“I’m sorry.”
Aki’s eyes were now not meeting yours, his gaze downturned and somber.
“Hey… The nightmares aren’t your fault. Blame the nightmare devil, or whatever.” You humorlessly chuckle, trying to lift the tension in the room.
Aki looks straight at you, dead serious (not that Aki being serious is anything unusual), “It’s still my fault.”
“Then quit. Join the private sector, like I did.” You keep your voice light, nonchalant. “Let’s move far away. We could even leave Japan. Where do you want to live? Probably best would be a secluded island, with no people and only very weak devils…” You hum as you reverie, “We could be the only ones on the island. It could be our island.” You gently trace small circles on Aki’s arm with your thumb, “Doesn’t that sound nice?”
Aki forces a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and tries to let out a mock exasperated sigh (which sounds so fake it causes you to giggle, making Aki able to conjure up a more realistic version) “Our own island sounds nice. But cleaning our room is enough, I don’t want to clean an entire island that you’re going to mess up.”
“Okay, maybe not an island then. We could move to the countryside. Oh! That reminds me, did Angel ask you about the country mouse and town mouse?”
“Yeah.”
“And you picked?”
A prolonged pause of silence.
“... I think you know.”
The lightness of the conversation that you were both trying to upkeep suddenly dissipates into thin air and your voice drops to a strained whisper, “Why can’t you quit? Am I not good enough for you?”
Upon hearing those words, Aki immediately pulls you towards him. You rest your head on his bare chest and wrap both your arms around him. You miss the days when Aki could reciprocate the action by wrapping both his arms around you. Aki’s secure hugs were your favourite source of comfort. Damn devils. At least they left him with one arm, unlike some; poor Angel.
“Don’t think that you’re ever not enough for me. You mean everything to me. But I can’t just…" Aki struggles to think of the words, conveying his feelings wasn't always his strong point, "Denji and Power, they’re… A family to me now and I just… I don’t want to lose my family again. Not to the same devil.”
“I know… You’re too good of a person to abandon your buddies on a death mission.” You sigh and lift your head up to look at him, “There’s really nothing I can do to change your mind?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising for being a good person, Aki.” You mumble wrly.
Aki studies you, and although his expression gave nothing away, you could see the cracks that were forming. The dark circles under his eyes that are now a permanent feature, the almost vampire paleness of his skin, the way he would occasionally wince from the phantom pain of his missing arm, and the worst of all, those vacant, glassy eyes. The current Aki Hayakawa is made of porcelain, and you’re scared that if you keep the atmosphere too intense, he could crumble under it and be broken into a million tiny pieces.
You realise that you’re being selfish, that Aki is going through just as much a hard time- perhaps even more- than you’re going through. The least you could do is to prevent him from breaking.
“Your hair’s gotten long. It reaches your collarbone.” You observe aloud as a weak attempt to change the topic to something more superficial.
Aki instantly plays along, “It’s kind of annoying though, when it’s not tied up.”
“I like it when it’s not tied up, it’s pretty.” Absent-mindedly, you twirl a strand of his hair around your fingertips.
He quirks an eyebrow, “Pretty?”
“Yeah. So don’t you dare cut it, or I’ll cry.” You admonish.
“Just like when Himeno cut it?” The corner of his mouth twitches up in amusement.
You wince at the mention of it. You remember yelling, at a very drunk Himeno, after she had cleanly sliced Aki’s ponytail right off. You remember hugging Aki’s ponytail against your chest and starting to sob- you were very inebriated yourself.
You haven’t gotten properly hammered since Himeno passed on. As eccentric as she was, she did bring a lot of joy to you and Aki’s depressing job.
“I miss her…”
You didn’t realise you said it aloud until you hear Aki reply with, “Me too.”
After Himeno’s death, you were extremely out of it. The memories of the weeks after are still extremely hazy to you. What you do remember, was Aki, always by your side. Aki, forcing you to eat, drink and shower. Aki, holding you as you sobbed against his chest. Aki, humming to you every night until you fell asleep. You didn’t turn up to work for the next few weeks and eventually, Makima asked you to consider joining the private sector instead. Aki sided with Makima, saying how he didn’t want to see you in this state again, or worse, see you go in a way like Himeno. So you quit the Public Safety Bureau, unfortunately, your boyfriend didn’t do the same.
“You still pulled off short hair, you know. But I like it long…” Once again, you attempt to relieve the tension that threatens to obstruct your conversation.
“You’re crying.” Aki cups a hand against your cheek, his brows furrowing with worry, “Was my short hair really that bad?”
You didn’t notice it yourself, but sure enough, tears were racing each other down your face. Suddenly, you're hyperaware of how much your chest is aching, how each gulp of air is painful on your throat. The dam breaks and it all comes gushing out.
“I’m… Sorry! It’s not the hair it’s j-just… Just… I-I’m going to miss you” A choked sob comes out. “A-and all this time I’ve… You’ve… You’ve helped me through anything so without you I don’t th-think I can-” Your vision starts becoming blurry as teardrops collect in your eyelashes.
You bury your head back into Aki’s chest, so you don’t have to meet his gaze, you don’t want to know the sort of face he was making at the moment. He strokes your hair and allows you to sob into his chest.
“You’re so strong-” He starts, but you immediately cut him off with a dry chuckle. You definitely weren’t strong, and you definitely did not feel strong right now. “Hey, I’m serious. The fact that you can cry over me, I don’t know if I’m meant to feel this way but, it makes me feel happy. That you care so much about me. Just because you care for others, doesn’t mean you’re weak.” You stay silent, your sobs becoming more sparse, which eggs Aki on to continue the short monologue. “You won’t be alone, there will be Denji, Power, Angel and everyone else who cares about you.”
You remain silent and concentrate on Aki’s heartbeat. In less than two months you won't be able to hear it ever again- You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from breaking out into sobs again.
“Who knows, maybe the Future Devil was wrong.”
You both know that it's impossible, but you still welcome the thought of it. “Yeah… Maybe.” You assent.
“And when I come back from defeating the Gun Devil, I’ll quit the public sector. I’ll have more time off and I’ll be able to take you out on dates as much as you want.”
“And… We can get a hamster?” You sniffle, looking up at him, hopeful.
Aki groans and rolls his eyes, “I swear, if I end up being the one to clean it’s cage-”
You finally manage to laugh, it’s shaky, but it’s a laugh nonetheless, “I’ll clean it, promise. I’m better than Power and Meowy.”
Hints of amusement start to flit into your boyfriend’s expression, the glassiness in his eyes seeming to subside just a bit. “I’ll believe it when I see it. And we can go live on our private island.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
You allow yourself to enjoy fantasising about your future with Aki. Ignorance can be bliss.
“I love you…” You whisper.
Aki’s expression instantly softens into something tender, melting at the words, “I love you too.”
You think you also just melted.
You prop yourself up so you’re sitting next to him. Wrapping both arms around his neck, you close your eyes and slowly lean in. He puts his hand behind your head and mirrors your actions. Your lips touch and you feel static throughout your body. No matter how many times he’s kissed you, it never loses it’s spark. You part your lips slightly, his kisses taste the way cigarettes smell and you love it. You love him. And you know you will always love him, no matter what happens.
The kiss is long, slow, there’s no hints of lust or hunger in it. Rather, it's somber. You feel it’s almost as if you’re both trying to convey your myriad of complicated feelings through it, letting the kiss speak words that neither of you have the courage to say yet. You feel tears prickle the corners of your eyes.
When you both pull apart from each other, you look up at Aki, there were tears also threatening to spill from his eyes and you knew that he felt the same way about the kiss.
“You better beat that stupid Gun Devil, then.” A lone tear rolls down your cheek.
Aki laughs and wipes his eyes, “I promise.”
And with no other words spoken, you lower your head back down, using his chest as a pillow and letting the sound of his steady heartbeat lull you back to sleep.