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meeting yoongi for the first time as a young teenager was like meeting the version he'd like to grow up to be. if namjoon was his idol, yoongi was his role model. to his fourteen-year-old self, yoongi was everything he'd dreamed of, everything he wanted to be. someone that is rebelling against the world in his own way, fighting and proving his points through what he believed in, music.
jungkook just didn't know when that admiration started turning into something more, things just moved too fast that they went by unnoticed and the gazes that were full of awe and wonder turned into love and adoration. loving yoongi, however, came easy, as easy as breathing. his presence is like a warm blanket on a rainy night and jungkook reveled in that.
yoongi quietly walked into his heart then built a home and jungkook was none the wiser, didn't realize it until that home was complete and yoongi was already staying in it.
and just like the way he had intertwined his life with jungkook's- quietly, softly, and gently- he treated everything else like that. he's quiet in the way he presents himself, soft in the way he talks, and gentle in the way he treats. and with the way he talks, one would immediately assume he's great at communicating, and he is, just not when it comes to his own feelings.
contrary to popular belief, yoongi isn't the type that speaks up when he's sad or annoyed, he just tends to shove his feelings inside and let them roast to either burn down to ashes by themselves as he silently stares at them, or he lets them out through music. this process takes time, and that time varies from what could be a day or two to a couple of weeks, or even a month if it's anything serious.
jungkook perfectly knew of that habit before they had started dating. after all, they've known each other for years, it was nothing new, but being on the receiving end of it sure was.
what scared him the most though was the fact that even when they started dating, yoongi tried to hide that habit of his, but jungkook learned to work around that. if yoongi didn't speak about what's annoying him then jungkook would.
(jungkook's changing into his sleep wear as yoongi lies on the bed spacing out, eyes focused on the white ceiling as he clutches his boyfriend's pillow.
after placing on his shirt in one swift movement, jungkook sighs as he looks at yoongi, "hyung?"
yoongi doesn't move nor blink, he does, however, give a hum in answer to show he's listening.
jungkook walks towards the bed and sits on his side of it, eyes fixed on yoongi's face who swallows in his nervousness under his boyfriend's intimidating gaze.
"are you okay?"
it was a simple question that required a yes or no answer, but it takes him a second before yoongi hums again in an answer.
jungkook frowns and gently runs a hand through his boyfriend's hair, "hyung."
yoongi bites his lower lip before he moves his gaze away from the white ceiling and looks jungkook in the eyes.
"don't hide from me," jungkook softly mutters, still playing with yoongi's hair.
the older man swallows, "i'm not." he croaks out before looking away again, hugging the pillow in his arms tighter.
jungkook sighs, with a small smile he leans in and gently presses a kiss to yoongi's forehead, "you know, if something's on your mind you can always talk to me."
it takes another moment for yoongi to answer, "no matter what it is?"
jungkook leans down again and pecks yoongi on the lips then hums, "no matter what."
"promise?"
jungkook grins wide and rests his forehead against yoongi's, so close their noses are touching, "i promise."
yoongi swallows, his eyes moving from jungkook's to stare at his lips, "you'd always be here to talk?"
jungkook leans in closer, their lips now lightly touching, "whenever you want, you just have to call for me."
jungkook's heart flutters against his chest when he feels the soft press of yoongi's lips stretch into a perfectly small smile.
"always?" yoongi mutters again.
"always." jungkook whispers back.)
and just like that, they found the perfect middle ground.
or so jungkook thought.
~~~
jungkook had promised to always be there when he needed him, but he lied.
"i'd never lie to you, i promise."
a promise that he broke.
yoongi knew of his bad habit, but he couldn't help it. it's just how he is, how he deals.
all the dates were just excuses. what yoongi really wanted was for jungkook to be next to him during that time, play with his hair, hold his hand, hug him and say that things will be alright.
even if they wouldn't be.
yoongi just needed him.
but he couldn't outright say it, and he hated that.
if they had talked it out, if yoongi had communicated it, maybe they wouldn't have gotten to this point.
and yoongi was hurt by jungkook's words, but he didn't blame him, never did. he only ever blamed himself because his stupid habit is what had pushed jungkook into the corner, thus hurting both of them.
it was his fault.
and now he didn't know how to fix it.
~~~
jungkook knew he messed up, he perfectly knew what he was getting himself into when he decided to start dating yoongi and he welcomed it with open arms whole-heartedly.
yoongi was strong, yet delicate. needed to be treated with love and care and jungkook was more than willing to give all that and so much more.
but he was mad, he was angry. at first, it was at himself for not being there for yoongi, for always cancelling their dates or outings because of work.
but then that anger kept on festering when yoongi smiled and said it was fine.
because it wasn't.
jungkook hadn't only cancelled once or twice, he did it a couple more times, so why was yoongi not mad?
however, jungkook knew his boyfriend. yoongi was mad, he was sad and disappointed, he just refused to show it and to tell jungkook about it.
that's when that anger, the anger that was directed at himself, turned into yoongi's direction.
because…
why won't you talk to me?
~~~
it started building out slowly, like a stack of dominoes, one placed after the other in a perfect straight line.
yoongi had gotten the news that his grandpa was in the hospital, he had gotten very sick, and the doctors had said that he might not have long left.
to say he was surprised would be an understatement.
yoongi was terrified.
his grandpa had always been a strong man, ever since he could remember. for little yoongi, it felt las if his loud deep laughter could shake mountains, his fist could break down a building and his glare could rival the cold freezing snow.
but he was always gentle with his words, gentle with how he cradled his grandson's body when they hugged.
always gently patted his head and said, "you're going to do great with that talent and hard work of yours, yoongi-ah. i believe in you." with an oh so gentle smile, "and when you do, i will be there. first row, cheering you on."
so, when they hit him with that call, the news that his grandpa was not doing fine formed a firm cotton ball that was shoved so far down his throat couldn't speak it up.
every time he opened his mouth with the thought of talking about it when jungkook asked if he's fine, it would enlarge, sucking in his saliva and nestle there, almost crushing his vocal cords.
so, what was left for yoongi but to painfully smile and say, "everything's fine, jungkook-ah. i'm fine."
~~~
and so it continued that way for the next couple of days until it started feeling too much for yoongi, but he still couldn't say it, because the moment he said it, it'll be like a wave crashing down.
however, jungkook had said he'd always be there for yoongi. they didn't need to talk about anything, they could just hang out. he just needed to call.
so, he did.
once.
twice.
thrice.
but there was no answer.
and the first wave had crashed, bringing down the first piece of dominoes, which led all the other to start crashing down.
one after the other.
just like the walls yoongi's built to protect himself.
~~~
yoongi knows this is an important time for jungkook. after all, his mixtape will be released soon.
meetings with other producers, meetings with bang pd and just meetings upon meetings.
but it still hurt when yoongi called and he rarely got an answer.
or when he texted and the only reply he had gotten was about 5 hours later. a simple;
'sorry hyung, i'm sort of busy right now. we'll hang out when i'm back home, alright?'
it was fine.
yoongi was fine.
just like he always said he was.
~~~
there's a limit for everything, both yoongi and jungkook should've known better.
yoongi should've known when he started to feel that the cotton ball in his throat is doubling in size, when dark thoughts swirled in his brain nonstop and the only break time he had was when he curled up on jungkook's bed, under his blankets wearing his shirt.
he knew jungkook was busy, couldn't blame him. yoongi always had such days too, when he's so busy that he doesn't check his phone, but he always put alarms to remind him of their dates and he'd show up.
always did.
or he'd call to cancel beforehand but wouldn't make jungkook wait for an hour like jungkook had done to him.
not only once.
not twice.
but more times than he'd like to admit.
so, he curls up under the warm blankets and imagines that the warmth they supply him were jungkook's strong arms.
as for jungkook, he should've known when he started getting less calls, less texts, when most replies consisted of a smiley face.
but it was when he was left on read… that was when he knew he might've went too far.
~~~
"damn it, yoongi!" jungkook slams his fist against the wall of his bedroom and yoongi flinches back from the hard impact, for a second worrying about his boyfriend hurting his hand, "why won't you say anything?!"
(jungkook came back home earlier than usual with the sole reason of talking with yoongi and trying to sort things out. to apologize for the way he had been treating his boyfriend, for not answering texts, for being too busy, for standing him up...
most importantly, for not being there when it seemed yoongi really needed him. because if the sadness and tiredness dimming yoongi's eyes is anything to go by, he must've really needed that comfort that he could've provided.
but no matter how much jungkook asked, no matter how much he tried prying open the shell around yoongi, to actually find out how he feels, his boyfriend would smile and say that he's fine when he's obviously not, jungkook knows that.
so why won't he be honest?
then before jungkook knew it, anger started caressing his brain and he found himself falling into her embrace as he yelled for the first time in frustration.)
yoongi's lips tremble in an effort to speak, but all that comes out is a wounded sound and he looks away biting his lower lip in worry.
"yoongi. hyung. yoongi." jungkook repeats. he takes a step closer towards his boyfriend, a manic look on his face, "i know you're sad, okay? i know you're disappointed. i know you're mad at me! so show me!" he grabs yoongi's shoulders and squeezes, "yell at me! make a scene, damn it!" he shakes him gently, contrasting to how agressively his hands are shaking. because he'd never hurt yoongi, not willingly, never willingly, "just don't keep it all in!"
yoongi kindly grabs jungkook's hands and squeezes them in his palms, then smiles before letting go and jungkook's arms fall to his sides in defeat, "it's fine, jungkook-ah."
tears of frustration gather in jungkook's eyes, but he refuses to let them fall, "why won't you talk to me?" he mutters.
yoongi shakes his head, "because there's nothing to talk about."
lies. don't lie to me.
they stand there for a couple of minutes in complete silence and jungkook can feel every second of it delivering a punch to the lungs, making it hard to breathe.
yoongi sighs and turns around to walk out the room and jungkook's mad. so mad he starts blurting out things he knows are not true, things he knows will end up doing more damage than repair, but he just wanted a reaction from yoongi. something, anything. a phrase that's not i'm fine, or an action that's not a sad smile, "just say you don't care!"
yoongi stiffens in his spot.
"say you don't really care and we'll move on from this!" jungkook repeats.
yoongi's fists at his sides squeeze so tight his knuckles start turning white. he turns around and full-on glares as hot tears travel down his pink cheeks and jungkook freezes in his spot, eyes widening, and jungkook swears he'd never seen him this affected, "yoongi-"
yes, he wanted a reaction.
he wanted words. an explanation.
with trembling lips, yoongi utters, "i hate this." then walks away.
but he did not want this.
jungkook's body sags. he sits on the edge of the bed and starts wondering to himself;
how could i lead him to that?
~~~
i hate this.
did he mean that it was it that moment?
or was it their relationship?
maybe it was that fight.
but maybe, just maybe, what he meant was;
i hate you.
however, jungkook did not let that thought drill itself deep into his brain because he knew better.
yoongi loves him.
that, he's sure of.
he'll fix this. jungkook will.
~~~
no matter how much he wipes them; the tears just keep coming back.
he didn't lie when he said he hated this. he hated how he was not able to speak up. hated how the only words he could get out were, 'i'm fine.' when he's not.
it's always so easy coming up with well written lyrics, so why can't he speak about his feelings well whenever he's sad or mad? what was he afraid of? he knows that jungkook wouldn't hate him or fault him for any of his feelings.
but he always found silence to be the easiest way out of being a burden.
yoongi hiccups and sniffles, wiping the tears with his cold pillowcase as he nuzzles his face into it. squeezing his eyes shut tight, he wishes it'll will the memories replaying in his head away. lying on his cold bed, under his cold blankets, he hopes the cooling sensation lulls him to a quick sleep.
tomorrow they'll fix this. he knows they will.
~~~
tomorrow came and jungkook was nowhere to be seen, not in their apartment nor in his studio. and yoongi can't help the flood of sadness that washes over him.
it feels like standing in an ocean, the water soaking his clothes up and it's uncomfortable. the water's up to his chest, small waves beating into it, not hard enough to make him choke, but enough to get that constricting sensation, making it difficult to breathe.
yoongi sighs against the pressure and decides to go work but work never came. a part of him feels betrayed, feels so left alone without jungkook because...
jungkook didn't seem to care enough to try fixing things.
was it all a lie? his love, his promises? is that all it would take?
yoongi frowns at his screen as he bites at the dead skin of his thumb. he flinches in pain out of stupor when he bites hard enough to break the skin and blood starts seeping out.
"shit," he mutters under his breath and grabs the crumbled tissue next to his keyboard and dabs it on the small wound.
he said yoongi's his forever. but right now, it seems like a joke.
he feels like a joke.
yoongi sighs and grabs his wallet and keys. might as well sit at home if he's not getting any work done.
~~~
jungkook is not perfect, he never was, and he never will be, but yoongi always made him feel better about that. being perfect is not realistic, but jungkook was real, real to himself and to others.
jungkook knows he's not perfect, doesn't ever want to be.
but he knows when he makes a mistake. he admits to it then tries to fix it, that's what makes him better than perfect.
"i'm sorry." is the first thing jungkook says when yoongi walks into his own bedroom.
yoongi's eyes widen when he takes in the state of his room. rose petals scattered everywhere, scented candles on his bedside cabinet. he fights back a smile when he sees a bag of takeout on his desk and can't help but scrunch his nose when it mixes with the sweet smell of the scented candles.
a very odd mix. not unpleasant, but still.
"i'm really sorry..." jungkook repeats in a lower voice when he sees that yoongi has made no move.
yoongi bites his lower lip and takes a step in. closing the door behind him, he sighs before looking at his boyfriend, "jungkook..."
jungkook shakes his head and takes a step forward, awkwardly shuffling the bouquet of flowers in his hands, the wrapper crunching under the firm grip of his fingers, "please, i just..." he groans in frustration and runs a hand through his hair, "let me explain, please?"
yoongi looks at jungkook's big eyes, even when they're twinkling with tears and emotions of sadness, they're still so beautiful as if they hold the whole universe.
and they might as well do.
with a small nod yoongi mutters, "okay."
"i love you, yoongi."
yoongi's eyes widen at the blunt confession and can't help the light blush that flames his cheeks.
"i do, i love you so much yoongi and i never regret getting together with you. you're like a part of me and-" he looks at yoongi, his eyes tracing every little detail on that delicate face, "and you know how weird it is? the feeling of loneliness coming from so close?"
yoongi frowns, "jungkook, what-"
the younger man shakes his head, "i'm not blaming you, if that's what you think. i don't- i just- you never tell me what's wrong yoongi," he whispers, "i confess that missing our dates, not being there for you, not answering texts, that's on me, it’s my fault. i was wrong and i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry," he repeats, "what i said- i never meant any of that, i know you care, you care so much that it always takes a piece of you and leaves you hollow for a while. and that scares me," he beats at his chest with an open palm, “i’m scared yoongi,” jungkook grabs the front of shirt and squeezes it in a tight fist, "i'm scared that i'll lose you and yoongi i don't want to lose you. i can't lose you because i'd be losing me... i'd rather sacrifice myself than watch the life in you dim out."
"j-jungkook," yoongi stutters.
"so please, yoongi, please," jungkook begs, bouquet of flowers now long forgotten on the floor. the hand that was squeezing his shirt falls to the side in defeat, "if something hurts, don't keep it all in, speak it up, cry it all out... come back to me. you know i love you, yoongi you're my life. i could never have enough of you, but anger... anger is a stupid and harmful emotion and i'm sorry, okay?"
"jungkook..."
"so, when i do something wrong, when i hurt you, say it.," jungkook grits out, "speak it. inject your anger deep inside of me, like i deserve and harvest your contentment from my soul because the seeds of your belonging have already been planted inside of me," jungkook tilts his head to the side and smiles before saying, "i love you, yoongi. so, don't take on a war by yourself. i'm here for you, always. so, use me.”
and as if giving in, yoongi's body sags, the weight of all his feeling finally taking over and he swallows the lump in his throat, holding back a sob, "i can't breathe jungkook-ah," he beats at his chest with a tight fist, lower lip trembling. as he gasps for a breath he tries to speak, "i can't- it's like- i'm drowning, jungkook-ah- i'm drowning and i- i can't breathe." he confesses as he shakes his head.
"baby... yoongi... my love," jungkook takes a couple of wide steps and gently cradles yoongi's body in his arms, allowing him to lean his whole weight against his strong body, "my life," he kisses the top of his head and takes a deep breath of him, "my forever, i'm here. i'm here." relief washing over him as he finally gets to have yoongi in his arms again.
but that relief is short lived as yoongi lets out a loud broken sob and with every wail a piece of jungkook's heart shatters like glass. shards lying steeply against the wall of his chest, and it suddenly feels painful with every breath he takes.
jungkook sniffles and blinks his tears, "i'm here." he croaks out as he squeezes yoongi's body tighter, closer, "i'm here." and yoongi's fists squeeze the back of jungkook's shirt tighter with every cry, as if jungkook's arms are the glue keeping him together, stopping him from breaking down.
and they might as well be.
because it felt like yoongi had been hanging over from a cliff, hands grabbing onto edges so hard his fingers had started turning blue, but now he can finally let go because he knows he'll fall without getting a scratch.
because jungkook's always there to catch him.
~~~
it took a while for yoongi to calm down, until his breaths did not consist of stutters and hiccups.
jungkook prepared him a bath with one hand because his other was held in yoongi's. the older man was gripping so tightly on it he's sure that at some point jungkook had winced because of the pressure and the pain, but his boyfriend didn't complain, never made a motion of pulling away. instead, he squeezed back, but it was done gently, never too much. he did it very gently as his thumb softly caressed the back of yoongi's hand, so lovingly it brought another lump of emotions into yoongi's throat.
they washed together, conversing in low tones as to not break the comforting atmosphere surrounding them.
and with every scrub, with every piece worn, with every touch of love, understanding and care, yoongi slowly opened up and said everything he had shoved in a jar and buried in his mind. everything from his grandpa to their last moment together.
how it made him feel, how their fight made him feel, how jungkook makes him feel.
and jungkook made sure to absorb it all like a sponge, learn from his mistakes and become a better man for yoongi.
though they might fight and might also have their differences, jungkook always made him feel loved.
loved, loved, loved and... loved.
they're lying in bed in each other's arms, yoongi telling the last bit of his part before jungkook squeezes his waist tighter. he presses a kiss to his forehead, "i'm really sorry." jungkook mutters, lips brushing against snow white skin and yoongi shudders.
he buries his face deeper into jungkook's chest, "i love you." he says then presses a long kiss against the beating heart of his boyfriend.
jungkook brings a hand and cradles yoongi's cheek. said man raises his head and looks his boyfriend in the eyes, "hi." jungkook whispers, his eyes trailing all over yoongi's face until they land on his lips.
yoongi smiles, his gums showing, "hello." he mumbles back, his stare fixed on lips very familiar to him. with a hesitant hand, he faintly moves it up jungkook's chest, to his shoulder then down his arm as it finally lands on the hand holding his cheek.
jungkook smiles back mirroring yoongi's, "you have the cutest smile ever, you know that?" when yoongi hums, jungkook hesitantly leans in, "very beautiful..." he mutters before leaning forward the rest of the way, closing the space between their lips and finally kissing him.
jungkook wasn't going to make it out to be something that it wasn't.
it was perfect.
felt like coming home after a long day of work.
felt like the satisfaction of finishing a long and hard puzzle.
felt like coming up from underwater for a breath of fresh air.
yoongi's lips were soft, almost like silk. warmth blossomed in jungkook's chest and spread throughout his body like wildfire, little sparks moved to his fingertips and onto yoongi’s skin, enlightening his boyfriend who pressed himself closer. closer. closer.
the smell of his perfume, of the soft, peachy scent of his conditioner, was absolutely dizzying, butterflies dancing in jungkook's stomach as he felt himself getting drunk with every second.
yoongi's eyes were closed, his eyelids stuck. he wanted to open them, wanted to have a look at jungkook, wanted to admire his eyes, big and shining, filled with admiration and so much love.
so, he wanted to open his eyes and bear some witness. but jungkook's mouth was so soft, so gentle as he pried his open, soft breath tickling his upper lip.
jungkook's kisses were always so taking, as if he was drawing out all the worries yoongi hides. he sighs against his boyfriend’s lips as he brings his fingers up to jungkook's long hair, loosely gripping onto it.
yoongi didn't open his eyes, but he did smile against the younger man's lips when he felt him breathe, "i love you, too." into him.