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I sigh for what feels like the third time that evening as I walk back towards the house Chris and I share from our humble mailbox. We received junk that neither of us need and a single bill from my previous hospital stay that I would have to pay soon.
“Please don’t be too much.”
“BOOO!!!” I hear Chris bellow in my right ear before I take even another step in the open front door. I instantly flinch, the envelopes falling to the wooden floor in a clumsy pile, my eyes squeezing shut for just a second, and fisted hands ready to fight off the threat my logical side knew wasn’t there.
“Hahaha! I got you again!”
“Chris, you know I hate when people do that.” I sigh again, glancing at the mess.
“I know, honey, I’m sorry. It’s just me and Scott have been doin’ it a lot again lately. I must be on some kind of streak.`` He smirks.
“It’s ok.” I mumble, bending over to pick up our mail so I can put it on the kitchen counter. I really am not in the mood right now, but I try to remember that it’s not Chris’ fault I get scared easily. At least he doesn’t do those pranks often or when he does, it does actually end up in laughs, no matter who’s involved- including me. Just not today.
Dodger comes running from the hallway when I finish in the kitchen after filling up his bowls, giving him quick little pets as I do so, deciding to meet Chris back in the living room, where he’s spread on the couch watching tv, his feet on the coffee table.
“There you are! Where’s our little buddy?”
“Eating supper.” I flop down next to Chris, who puts his shoulder around me, giving a quick kiss to the top of my head, and hands me the remote, knowing I usually like to pick something for us to watch while we eat.
“I like his priorities.” He chuckles.
“I was thinking of food myself. What’re you in the mood for?”
“I’m not hungry…” I mutter, just staring at the remote. I don’t even know what’s playing, but I don't want to watch tv either. If it wasn’t so early, I would just go lay down right now.
There’s an ironic deafening silence, except for the low volume of the tv’s background- sports cheers- that drags too long for my comfort. I’m about to look up, ask Chris what’s up, or just *something*, when he gently takes the remote from me to turn it off and fills the void.
“Y/N?”
“Yeah?”
“Y/N, look at me, doll.” He asks calmly.
I suddenly don’t want to. Oh god, what if he’s mad? What if he’s tired of taking care of me? What if he’s-
“Please?”
I take a deep breath, turning my head slowly to look into the face of the man I’ve grown to love. His ocean blue eyes, the beard he’s growing out during his hiatus from the Avengers movies, his smile that’s now in a concerned, desperate frown. It hurts. I feel my own face mirror it.
I’m hurting.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Chris coos. He takes a piece of hair that’s always falling in my face, tucks it behind my ear, and rests his palm behind my head, softly rubbing his thumb back and forth in that spot.
“What’s goin’ on, huh? I can tell when you got a lot on your mind.”
My eyes fall shut again, the events of this month just feel like too much to recount with eyes wide open. I simply nod.
“Is it your Depression again? You’re taking your medicine right?”
I nod again.
“Hey, it’s all right. Talk to me.”
I finally let the dam break, tears brimming in my eyes, when it all just comes out.
“I- I’ve been self-isolating because I feel like I don't know how to socialize with people, so I lose friends this way, but then I can't make new friends because I can't socialize, it’s just a vicious cycle. I feel like people only tolerate me sometimes. Then I also am depressed because this month has been awful. I went to the hospital for with my first real medical emergency, my period came three days early last week because of stress, I got in a car wreck, me and my dad were fine, but the car wasn’t, and- and-“ I was full on sobbing at this point before Chris pulled me into a giant bear hug, letting me cry away my pain.
“Shhh, shhh. Let it out. I’m here. You’re safe.”
“They’re saying the driver didn’t have insurance and I can’t sleep at night. I don’t sleep like i used to-
“I know, baby. I know.”
“I just want this month to be over.” I hiccuped.
After a long five minutes of me crying, I still had tear tracks running down my eyes, sniffles, hiccups, etc. I did feel a little better though.
Chris looked at me in the eyes, rubbing my shoulder and arm with one hand, thumbing away my tears with the other hand.
“I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry, Y/N. Don’t ever be sorry. None of this was your fault.”
“I’m sorry you had to clean the sheets last week. The blood was really bad.” I started choking up again.
“You were stressed, doll. I could see it last week too. It’s ok. Nothing I haven't seen before.” He kissed my forehead, lips, cheek, forehead again. I’ll admit, it got a small smile out of me.
“There’s that pretty smile. I bet it’ll be even bigger if you got a nice, clean shower. We can even have your favorite food and watch Disney movies!” Chris grins.
“We don’t have to do all that. I- I don’t want to feel like you have to…”
“Have to?? Y/N, when we first met, what was one of our bonding points?”
“Disney movies.” I mumble, knowing he was right.
“Exactly! Hell, you introduced me to so many good ones too! I’m all for it. We can make a movie night. Dodger can join. It’ll be great!”
“Well… Ok.”
“Good. Now, shower first?”
When we stepped in the bathroom, I didn’t expect Chris to stay.
“Just because you let off some steam doesn’t mean you're automatically better. I’m still gonna be here to help you feel better. Today and everyday. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”
“That wasn’t your fault, honey.”
“No, but I hate to see you suffer.” He says after turning on the hot water.
“I’ll be right back.”
True to his word, he comes back a minute or two later with two piles of clothes. I instantly know which one is mine even though there are two of his shirts.
After setting them on the sink, he plugs up our big round tub so it’s a hot bath.
“Bubbles?” He asks, crouching under the cabinet, searching for towels.
“Not this time.”
After getting everything set up, Chris pads up to me, a suddenly shy smile on his lips, when he gently grabs the hem of my t-shirt.
“May i?”
“We’re not having…”
“No, not tonight. I just want to take care of you. Have a bath with my love, watch movies, eat good food, and maybe cuddle as we sleep.” He leans down to kiss my lips; I don’t hesitate to kiss back. I can feel the love he has for me in those few seconds. It brings back some warmth in my numb heart.
“You mean so much to me.”
“I love you, Chris. You’re my constant comfort.” I say, trying not to tear up again.
“I love you too, Y/N.”
After allowing him to strip me of my clothes, he does the same to him, and we step in the bath together. With my back to his chest, he washes me slowly, but thoroughly. I sigh with contentment. I forgot how good it felt to be clean. Depression often takes a toll on my hygiene.
Once we got out, our hair was still damp even after drying it with a towel, so we dressed in comfy clothes to settle in for the rest of the night.
I smile when I realize Chris brought me his, technically mine now, favorite shirt that I wore all the time to sleep. It is a size too big and made of a very soft fabric. Wearing it with my favorite sleep shorts always makes me feel like I'm walking on air.
Chris decides to put on clean black boxer briefs with a white t-shirt. Once we put the dirty clothes in the hamper, I take a minute to just hug him, breathing in his soap and shampoo. I bring my arms around his torso, his around my neck.
We stand there for a bit, before I decide to sway a bit side to side, a slow dance with no music, yet he follows my lead.
I look up to him, the first genuine smile on my face all day gracing my lips.
“What?” Chris mimics my smile, still full of love as ever.
“Just thinking about how I don’t ever wanna take you or anyone for granted.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Even when I'm feeling less than worthy?”
“No way, sweetheart. Because even then, your heart is stronger than Vibranium.”
<3