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Sunghoon hates it too. He hates the stiffness, the unnatural urge to reach out only to stop when he’s an inch away and retract. He maybe even loathes it especially when the other feels too warm against his side; and all he could do was sit there, stiff as a pole.
“I think our professor’s going to stitch our grades with closed eyes.” Sunoo starts gently, his soft fingers casually gliding against Sunghoon’s in familiarity. “That man never showed up after our introductory class, and he dares to demand a final comprehensive exam and for what?”
“Stop concluding,” Sunghoon finds himself only ever saying. Pathetic. He knows it is. What other words could he probably describe his comfort skills when his sweet boyfriend is literally beside him worrying about the fate of his academics and he’s just there…breathing.
“But,” whines Sunoo in a small voice only reserved for him. He knows it, and heard it so many times that the warming of his chest was like a casual burn he was secretly obsessed.
The library was scarce of keen eyes. If they wanted, Sunoo’s petite frame could easily slip between his legs which he knew the younger was close to doing with the way he was pouting. Sunghoon wanted too, so much that he started to pray for Jongseong to magically show up with an annoyed rant just so they could somehow deviate from each other.
“Hoon,” Sunoo whispers softly with a hand against his clothed chest. “Can I have a hu—“
“I really hate that sophomore!” Jongseong slams a tender hand against their shared table, effectively cutting Sunoo off in a whim after appearing by the corner.
Sunghoon breathes out an ocean when the warm limbs started to dissipate away from him.
He’s pathetic.
A lot later that day when both his eyes were dropping close along with a spent ear from Jongseong’s ambitious goals of stirring clear from a certain sophomore, Sunghoon struggles to pick which way he’ll go.
The right turn would lead him to his soft bed and lonely dorm suite he shared with his senior, Heesung , while the left turn would lead him to a peach scented hair with sunshine eyes.
But the left turn also meant an abnormal beating between his ribcage, a palpitation he didn’t ask for and tensed muscles just because functioning seems too much of a work around that certain someone. His pretty boyfriend—the intimacy of the title also baffled him when Sunghoon knows he couldn’t even treat the other as it is.
He can’t even initiate a touch without having withdrawals just because. Sunoo was his boyfriend of almost a year—a definite freshman year infatuation that turned a little too serious for their own good; and yet the closest thing they ever did as an adult couple was an accidental smack courtesy of a forced push from Jongseong and a familiar freshman named Riki who always lingered around them.
“This is insane,” he mumbles when flashes of Sunoo’s miserable pout from earlier resurfaced behind his eyes. The younger was clearly troubled, and despite being touch resistant, Sunghoon memorized the quirks and sad points of his boyfriend in absolute madness.
After hitting a quick text along the context of him casually dropping by, Sunghoon ignores the twitching of his knees when his boyfriend eagerly texted him back to confirm that he was alone in his dorm.
“What else do you want?” Sunghoon tries to hum passively while his fingers shake from time to time.
Sunoo was clearing the small kitchen table which reeked of coffee spills implicitly telling Sunghoon how sleep deprived the other is. His back was starting to stiffen once the rustling of papers momentarily stopped and a warm figure settled against his left arm.
“I’m not yet hungry,” Sunghoon watches his finger casually slip against the blade as he tried to cut the processed goods. The soft body never went away, and it even pressed deeper against his free arm as the scent of citrus clung to his skin. “You can just make that later.”
“But you told me…” Sunghoon tries to trail off when soft hands started to envelope his torso.
“Just wanted you to stay longer.” It was mumbled against his back just as Sunoo’s whole form molded warmly against his.
Sunghoon was hopelessly gaping at the warm sensation. All his fingers surrendered their motion as his limbs seemed to disintegrate under Sunoo’s touch.
He feels the twitching of his lips, the words he kept for so long as the day progressed just wanted to slip out until the same limbs around him felt perfect against his. Why was it so hard? Sunghoon miserably asks himself before his mouth pronounced what his actions couldn’t.
“What do you want?”
Somehow the world stops. It does not really but Sunghoon’s did along with every breathing individual inside the room.
A tighter grip around his waist answered him but no verbal initiation was delivered. He could feel Sunoo’s face against his upper back, the soft fingers twirling the hem of his shirt but the silence still went on.
“Hmmm,” Sunoo mumbles against the juncture of his shoulder and neck after an achy silence. “Nothing just…thank you for dropping by.”
Sunghoon went home in absolute frustration with a tingling cheek from Sunoo’s gentle pecks that the younger gave him with ease…and he was still a walking flag pole with a little too stiff back and aching lips which ached to do the same.
Their pepper haired professor walked a little too slowly much to everyone’s dismay. A 2 hour class on a Monday was already a purgatory; and to top it with a banging vertigo was just the right icing for Sunghoon.
“Hoon,” Jake hisses when he felt the can sense the younger’s head lulling to one side. “Pinch your skin to wake yourself up.”
“Head hurts…” Sunghoon tries to groan silently as the lab data being written on the digital board looked more like celestial objects than actual numbers.
Just when another wave of drowsiness was about to swallow him perfectly, his phone vibrated against his pockets. Jake had to cough out a laugh from the sudden scream he tried to conceal, while an equally shocked Sunghoon carefully peeked at his phone.
Cheeks reddening, he finds himself biting his lip at the content that even Jake’s own fingers tapping him back to Earth was useless.
Kim Sunoo was just his death bed in the prettiest of flesh.
“Sun—"
“I can’t,” Sunghoon didn’t get to finish the murmured name before the dainty body molded itself against him. He could feel the cold wood of the bookshelves behind him as they naturally backed up against it.
“I studied—God knows I did but—what if…” Sunoo stammers against his chest, the poor shake of his body was making Sunghoon frown yet his hands hovered strangely above the younger’s shoulders. It was barely touching him too, just the very tip of Sunghoon’s fingers while Sunoo’s arm barricaded his whole torso.
“You—calm down.”
Sunghoon shuts his eyes at the plain line. His boyfriend was there, having a panic attack and the only words he could utter were neutral phrases anyone could deliver.
It took Sunoo a few more seconds to absorb the other’s words until Sunghoon was able to feel it. The warm face pressed against the curve of his neck pulled away, and fox eyes bouldered his tensed ones.
Sunghoon wished he knew how to follow the strain of his muscles as it ached to cuddle the younger. Grip him close to his chest and comfort him until warm cheeks would redden to ease and those worried eyes would gleam clean. Sunghoon wished he wasn’t too much of a coward while he stood there, clearly aware of the small attention they were starting to gather.
“I know you’re not one to hug.” Sunoo starts in a small voice as he sides to momentarily look away. The hopeful shine in his eyes was lost quickly as it went there when he felt Sunghoon’s hand slip away from the top of his shoulders.
“I think…I just needed one, like badly.” Sunoo ends up laughing dryly as he pulled away from a frowning Sunghoon. A year later, Sunoo wanted to know why it was so hard for them to meet on mutual grounds when it came to skinship. He knew Sunghoon, knew the older’s heart as time passes by pretending that physical intimacy was the least thing he wanted out of this relationship was a big bluff.
He just wanted those warm touches, random hugs and pecks that you wouldn’t need to ask for. Sunghoon was undeniably someone who met his heart by the strings but he craved what it was like to physically feel how that was like.
“Come here,” It breaks into the thick silence they placed themselves in. They were aware of the few bystanders standing a little too close due to the free cut before the afternoon classes would resume.
Sunoo felt his eyes sting from the short phrase. Baby steps filled their gap and the younger blissfuly bites his lip to suppress an aching cry because of how needy he was being.
“Hoon—" he couldn’t even stop the whimper from coming out, hands already reaching out to place itself against Sunghoon’s chest but before he could even get close to the older, Sunoo felt the most awkward pat on top of his head as he watched Sunghoon’s face grimace at the act.
“You’ll do well, Sun. Alright?”
Alright. A head pat from his boyfriend. A friendly and utterly awkward head fucking pat.
“Did you—did you just,” Sunoo stares at him in disbelief, mouth agape in silent hysterics that Sunghoon was too scared to acknowledge. “Did you just pat my head like a dog when I’m literally falling apart at the very moment and one damn hug from my anti-romantic boyfriend could possibly heal me? You’re unbelievable, Park Sunghoon.”
“You weren’t like this before.” Jay frowns at him as the last set of students flocked behind them to exit the study hall. “You used to hug me all the time during our middle school sleepovers.”
“That’s different.”
“That’s touching—how is it any different?!” The older exclaims because they were going round about this issue for hours now. Half their batch managed to witness the couple fiasco earlier. Unfortunately, no matter how liberties worked in college, word still gets around.
“You’re not Sunoo of course it’s different.” Sunghoon defends in autopilot.
“Then how the fuck did you even get past the talking stage if you’re too stiff to even hold hands? My goodness, Park.”
Sunghoon buries himself deeper on the bean bag before whispering the tragic phrase. “Cause we don’t. We barely do.”
“Now that’s a you problem, Hoon. Sunoo’s been respectful towards your personal boundaries since you bumped on each other during freshmen week.”
“He’s naturally affectionate though,” Sunghoon tries to reason and the more he does, the more he realizes how much he strained their relationship because he was too much of a coward to always initiate things. “But it’s normal right? Does it look bad if I randomly just kiss him on the cheek sometimes?”
“You never did that.” Jay deadpans in a heartbeat. “And I hate to break it to you but kids our age do way more than pecking each other’s cheek when they’re dating.”
A deep groan blared out of Sunghoon as he realizes this. He thinks of soft cheeks and daring eyes, and his frustration fuels more at the thought of those features being loved by somebody else if he lets this go on.
“Don’t bother contacting me in any way, I’m going to smother my boyfriend for the rest of the week.”
Sunoo wasn’t one to act all grumpy and needy. Regardless of that nature being sipped into his bones in a special way, he knew how to handle it around certain people. So clearly, Park Sunghoon was inside that very circle he wanted to fling his restless body to when things get hard.
Just a fucking hug or even a mere one hand embrace will do but something about his boyfriend and physical touches had to be understood; and Sunoo was way past that point.
He dug himself deeper on the crumped bedsheets which reeked of faint laundry detergent and mild coffee spills. All he was eating for the week were reviewers, saltine crackers in between breaks then caffeine. When the sun dives and Sunghoon drops the call, it would still be digital notes he’d turn to just to bridge the exam’s coverage the best way he knew.
He longed for quiet calls, calming murmurs as soft fingers assured him that he’s doing well. He wanted warm kisses that would be given when a random dog barks by the streets or a pair of arms wiping his tiredness away.
And Sunghoon was Sunghoon that even the knock coming in deliberate pounds did not manage to take the sting out of that realization.
“Sun,”
“Great, I’m even hearing his voice.” Sunoo irritatingly chuckles, tired eyes shifting to get the door while the rest of his heart clenched at the voice.
“Sun, open up. Let’s talk, hmm?” Sunoo hated the older’s voice because it already felt like warm hugs. He hates the softness it brings and the safeness that is Park Sunghoon himself.
“Just go home.” He mumbles back just as the door opened then revealing a worn out Sunghoon with the reddest cheeks as he balances a duffle bag on one shoulder.
“If you’re here to tell me it’s going to be fine, I know it would. Save us both the time and energy and just give me a comforting high-five or something.” Sunoo deadpans and turns to face the other side. Words of affirmation were nice but they were simply not enough for this time.
What Sunoo wants was timid hands of someone he knows to wrap themselves tightly around his figure the way these hands are doing. He wants the same fingers running across the arch of his back and to his forehead to sweep the baby hairs away. He wants whatever murmurs this person was whispering against the side of his head as long legs supported his weight from the sudden displacement.
“Hi,” the person whispers when he opens his eyes.
Sunoo was too worn out to notice how he was moved to the person’s lap as strong legs supported his back so he was met chest to chest with a reddening Sunghoon whose lips trembled by each second.
“Tired?” Sunghoon gently asks in close proximity, the soft pad of his fingers tracing circles against his cheeks. Sunoo thinks he was probably sleeping already. There was no way this kind of scene would play out between them when the closest Sunghoon could endure was their legs brushing against one another.
Sunoo remains mute and eyes blinking rapidly at his boyfriend.
“I-I’m not good at this.” Sunghoon finally lets out in airy breaths. His knees behind Sunoo’s back trembled, effectively pushing Sunoo closer towards him. He breathes a handful and continues, “It’s just, there are times when I think you’re too pretty to be touched. Too soft and pure to be held in an intimate way and I feel like I don’t deserve to taint your skin at all.”
Sunghoon breaks just as Sunoo did.
“You’re insane, Park. Really insane.” Sunoo whispers shakily while his hands travelled to grasp the older’s cheek in an experimental touch. “Why would you treat me so delicate like that? We’re both humans, you idiot.”
“You don’t understand. When you look at me, I can’t even remember a simple phrase I was about to say or when you touch my arm while we walk—“ Sunghoon stops to breathe when he feels his cheeks burning.
“Hoon…” Sunoo encourages as his chest blooms at the words he was only hearing now. He fights the urge to fully cup the older’s face and bring it closer to his, just to amend his worries and assure him that he was no porcelain to be gentle with.
“When we walk and you grasp my arm in a way that tells me that you’d want our steps to synch with each other, my chest fucking breaks because no one ever wanted me so intimately like that.” It was not tears but the burn behind Sunoo’s eyes was knee deep.
“I could never get myself to touch you because I adore you too much, too much that it scares me that I might be too dependent to have you beside me at all times.” Sunghoon bows his head, forehead meeting Sunoo’s while he melts against the younger’s palms.
He surrendered himself with words and there was no way he would let the ridiculous fear eat him up once again. Not having in them to say anymore words, Sunghoon lets his arms cradle Sunoo’s frame closer until their faces mingled in the middle.
“Rest on me, baby.” He whispers before claiming the softest lips that tasted a lot like peaches and cream. It was giving and gentle but deep; something Sunghoon only thought of over the course of time they were dating. It was wet and warm while Sunoo’s mouth accommodated whatever space his was giving.
“Mhm,” Sunoo whimpers when their teeth clashed for a second which immediately alerted Sunghoon to a stop as the older quickly pulled away out of fear.
“What di—“
“No,” Sunoo whines back before grasping Sunghoon by his neck to push their lips again. He opens his mouth fully to the older, while their tongues met in gentle caresses.
It was too warm, too soft that he could cry if he wanted.
“Don’t pull away.” Warm hands anchored Sunghoon as he nods at the phrase. He traces Sunoo’s face with soft pecks from his cheek; and chin and raining it up to his forehead while the younger sighs all his frustrations away.
“I won’t,” Sunghoon assured as he tucks the younger deeper against his chest. Their legs merely tangled the sheets as familiar limbs seem to gravitate towards the other.
“Call me that again.”
“The what?”
Sunoo rolls his eyes against the older’s clothed chest. We’ll get there. Baby steps.
“When you told me to rest on you,” he sits on Sunghoon’s lower stomach to meet his eyes. “You mean that? I’m probably going to be needy for the rest of the week with all these exams dissipating my sanity and you’re going to be my anchor.”
Sunghoon only digs his head deeper against the plush pillows; effectively shocking his own self how normal and natural Sunoo’s declaration felt to him. He was expecting a rare sense of fear yet all he could do was pull the pouting boy for soft baby kisses that made both their toes curl.
“I mean that in all ways I should be meaning it, baby.”