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Falling in love with Minho was an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen.
But Minho was too perfect. Minho was witty but also extremely caring. Erratic and weird but also gentle and attentive. Smart and hard-working. Shy and confident at once.
Seungmin liked it all.
He liked the distinct sound of Minho’s voice still reaching his ears even from across a room full of people. He liked the imprint of his small hands on his body as Minho was putting him into the correct position when they were dancing.
He liked his weird metaphors when he was trying to help Seungmin remember the choreography. He liked watching him through the practice room mirror, his face and neck all sweaty, tired but never letting his movements become any less precise.
His voice would keep getting gentler and gentler the more mistakes Seungmin would make, and Seungmin couldn’t help falling more and more in love with him.
He treasured every moment. Every word Minho directed at him. Every look they shared. Every stupid brush of their hands. Every time Seungmin made him laugh felt like a victory, except Seungmin wasn’t winning.
He just didn’t know about it yet.
*
“Look, I think it might be better if I just changed these lyrics.”
“Mhm. Yeah…”
Seungmin’s head snaps to the left. His fingers slide off the desk completely, brushing the sheet with the lyrics, almost making it fly straight to the floor. Almost.
Chan is staring at him, and even though he’s caught, he doesn’t try to pretend he’s innocent. Well, technically he isn’t doing anything morally questionable, but it still feels wrong for some reason.
Seungmin doesn’t want to dig in and look for answers. He barely even knows what question he should be asking.
So he just says, “What?” and Chan says, “You’re pretty,” and Seungmin punches him in the chest.
“Hey, what was that for?” Chan asks, rubbing the spot which got hit.
Seungmin—instead of giving him an answer—raises his fist again, pretending that he’s going to land another punch.
Chan catches his wrist, though, so quickly as if it’s nothing for him, and may his reflexes be damned. Seungmin has his both arms crossed and pinned against his chest before he can blink.
He tries to free himself from the tight, strong hold, but it’s a very weak attempt.
“Time to hit up the gym, Seungminnie.”
Seungmin huffs. “You don’t want me to overpower you.”
Chan releases Seungmin from his grip. He doesn’t look intimidated at all, but his expression is somewhat strange, unreadable.
They go back to working on the lyrics as if nothing happened.
But then—did anything happen, really?
*
They ordered food one night, just the two of them.
It was exciting. At that time, it almost felt like a rite of passage to something forbidden.
Minho cuddled into him for the first time ever. Like a kitten—small and soft. Even his voice was quiet whenever he was speaking. Seungmin kept stroking his arm, and Minho didn’t seem to mind.
Maybe he even enjoyed it.
*
“Well, it’s not like I’m going to tell him,” Seungmin mutters to himself. It isn’t weird that he’s talking to himself, right?
It isn’t weird when no one’s around to hear it.
He wishes he could tell someone, and technically—yeah, he could. But it would also mean that he would no longer have his treasured secret. It all wouldn’t be between him and Minho. It would be between him, Minho and someone else.
For some reason, it doesn’t feel right.
*
Once, he sees a clip from an old vlive. It’s accidental—he’s just watching it because he’s bored and sentimental, and then there it is, something he’s never noticed, something he couldn’t have noticed because he wasn’t looking that way.
In that clip, Chan embraces him from behind, and there wouldn’t be anything unusual about it if only his expression wasn’t so foreign. The moment he hugs Seungmin, his features soften. He seems to be at peace; he looks so genuinely content. There’s something else, too, something about the way he clings to Seungmin, adjusts his position over and over again, as if to ensure he’s as close as possible. There’s something in his eyes—something Seungmin has only seen a long, long time ago, and it was when Chan looked at Woojin.
God. Can it be…?
Seungmin replays the video over and over and over until he’s familiar with every little movement, every shift, every change of the expression. Can that neediness be something more? Is he just imagining things? Overinterpreting the situation?
He plays the video once more, at half the speed.
Chan’s looking at the camera, and Seungmin feels like he’s being stabbed with that gaze.
*
It’s not like Seungmin didn’t see it coming. In some way, yeah, he did.
But he must’ve been in denial because there were moments when he genuinely thought there was something between them.
Minho would approach him whenever he saw Seungmin was having a bad day. He was so gentle and kind. Seungmin really thought the way Minho cared for him was different from the way he cared for all the other boys.
And he knew that Minho was close with Jisung—of course he knew—but he didn’t think they would eventually become more than friends. He didn’t want to believe it could happen. After all, Seungmin had close relationships with other people, too—with Jeongin or Changbin for example—but he didn’t plan to date them at all.
He’d missed all the signs. The way Minho looked at Jisung. The fact they were spending more and more time together. Minho’s jealousy whenever someone was affectionate towards Jisung. The not-so-hidden touches.
Seungmin only saw himself and Minho, was soaked with his stupid feelings and had developed a tunnel vision. Minho was always far, far away, but Seungmin thought it would change. He kept stepping forward while Minho kept backing away, and Seungmin thought that it was supposed to be like that. It was all a part of the game. Minho was hard to get, but that was making it even more fun. Minho was acting in unpredictable ways, but it only meant that Seungmin had to try harder to decipher his behaviour.
Chasing him was fun.
*
Seungmin doesn’t chase Chan.
Chan doesn’t really chase Seungmin either.
In a way, it feels unnatural. It’s different from drama plots, as silly as it sounds. It’s different from other dynamics between the members within the group.
Minho has always been chasing Han—now it’s so clear. So obvious. So plain in sight. He’s not the only one, though. Changbin keeps chasing Felix. Hyunjin also keeps chasing Felix, at least at times. Recently, Jeongin has started to chase Hyunjin, too.
It’s a mess, but it still feels more natural than whatever is going on between him and Chan.
Chan keeps looking at him.
He’s not stepping forward.
*
Infatuation—that’s what it was. Only that, nothing more.
But why does it hurt so much if it’s just nothing?
Looking back, he just wants to forget. It’s embarrassing. He thought he wasn’t obvious, but he was. He was so transparent.
Recalling the way he used to obsessively analyse every little thing is painful, and he makes a resolution to never act this way again. He will never cling to anyone. He will never try to get anyone’s attention in such an obvious way.
He is very strict with himself, and maybe he should be more lenient—after all, he got his heart broken over nothing, so it’s not a big deal. He should stop whining and move on.
Too bad he doesn’t know how to do it.
*
When Chan starts acting differently around him, Seungmin is a bit alarmed. Not even by Chan’s behaviour itself, but rather by the mere fact that he seems to have noticed a change.
The thing is—he doesn’t trust his own perception anymore.
Not after the whole thing with Minho.
So, when Chan becomes somewhat clingy, Seungmin ignores what his intuition tells him. It’s not like Seungmin has sparked any interest in him. Chan must be stressed. He must be so stressed and tired, and it isn’t surprising that he’s looking for affection. As for why he wants to receive it mostly from Seungmin, well, that’s going to remain a mystery.
Seungmin isn’t going to try to find the reason.
He isn’t really sure if he wants to hear it.
*
He doesn’t spend as much time with Minho as he used to. Sure, they share a dorm room and have schedules together. Sure, they talk. They order food together sometimes, and Seungmin still asks Minho for advice when he practises dancing, but that’s pretty much it.
Seungmin isn’t trying to be petty. He doesn’t feel resentment—he’s just sad, and he wants to take a turn towards some more positive feelings.
*
Chan is always at the studio. Seungmin, trying to escape from Minho, ends up spending most of his free time there, too.
They pay each other visits. Chan goes to whatever room Seungmin’s currently in and listens to him singing. Seungmin goes to Chan’s room and watches him doing things on his laptop.
It becomes a routine. A comforting almost-schedule. Whenever Seungmin feels lonely, he can go and find Chan because he knows where he is, and he knows he won’t get kicked out even when Chan is busy.
Sometimes, when it’s late at night, they have deep conversations.
Sometimes, Seungmin looks at Chan and wants to tell him everything. He wants to tell him about his stupid crush, and how much it hurts.
He has a feeling Chan would understand him.
*
“Seungmin.”
Chan rarely says his name like this—the full form, in a serious tone. Seungmin thinks he must have done something wrong.
“Did I do something?”
“No, of course not,” Chan says in a much gentler voice. His expression changes, too. He looks at Seungmin as if he wants to say—what would make you think that? What made you think I was mad at you?
“What is it then?” Seungmin asks, and he sounds so small. Something about this conversation doesn’t feel right; something is making him uneasy, and he can’t exactly pinpoint it, but he knows that he hates it.
Chan looks at him hesitantly.
“Have you ever loved someone?”
Seungmin’s heart is beating so fast that for a moment he’s scared something bad is going to happen to him—his heart is going to fail him; it’s working too frantically; it’s too fast, too fast.
“Yeah,” he says, his mouth awfully dry.
“How did you know? How did you know it was love and not something else?”
Chan is looking at him, still. He’s always staring, always. Constantly and shamelessly. His eyes glisten with something indefinite.
Seungmin’s answer is brief and honest. “I didn’t know.”
*
Being around Minho and Jisung is hard sometimes. They become more and more obnoxious as the time goes by, and Seungmin has to look at them and pretend it doesn’t affect him.
It’s a lot.
Minho’s small hands on Jisung’s hips. His arms wrapped around Jisung’s tiny waist. His laugh whenever Jisung says something funny. Always being by Jisung’s side whenever he seems to feel anxious. Coming back from his walks, two coffees in his hands, going straight to Jisung’s room.
Seungmin wishes he could just close his eyes and not see any of it.
*
One day, Seungmin puts his hand on Chan’s thigh, and Chan freezes. They’re having one of these conversations where they pour their hearts out, sitting on that grey couch in Chan’s room.
Chan is talking about his trainee days, and how he sometimes feels as if he’s still stuck there—when someone criticises him, and he doesn’t know what he did wrong or how the hell he could improve to meet those expectations.
Seungmin places his palm on Chan’s thigh, and it’s too high up to be a comforting gesture. Chan stops talking, or maybe everything stops for a brief moment.
Seungmin brings his hand up to touch his face at the same moment Chan turns his head to look at Seungmin. His cheek brushes Seungmin’s palm, and it only feels natural to bring that palm closer, to seek out more contact.
Seungmin wants more. He doesn’t know what has gotten into him. This is not how he expected this night to go, but he’s gone too far to just stop now. He’s crossed a line, and from now on things will never be the same.
Maybe he should be scared, at least a little bit. What if he’s just destroyed his relationship with Chan? They’ve gotten so much closer over the last few months, and it would feel so bad to lose him. It would feel so bad to avoid him the same way he’s avoiding Minho.
But Chan isn’t like Minho. Chan doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t make any sarcastic remarks. He isn’t trying to turn it all into a joke. He’s just looking at Seungmin, and it’s very clear he’s hesitating.
Seungmin takes the leap.
He guides Chan into tilting his head and gets closer to him. When their lips meet, nothing bad happens.
Seungmin would lie if he said it doesn’t feel weird. He never would’ve thought things would go like this. Nothing was supposed to go like this, but maybe it’s for the better.
Chan is great at kissing. He barely gives Seungmin any time to breathe, but it doesn’t matter, because his lips are so perfect, and he’s so good at leading. Seungmin even becomes a little self-conscious, because there’s no way it all feels equally good for Chan. Seungmin’s just there taking it all, and yeah, he does respond; he tries so hard to contribute more, but Chan seems too hungry, and he simply doesn’t let him.
At one point, he bites Seungmin’s lip, and—god—it feels so good. Seungmin lets out a little whine; he can’t even stop himself. Chan topples him over, and Seungmin’s back hits the seat of the couch. He can do nothing but take it.
“God, Seungmin,” Chan mutters and kisses him again.
*
Chan is Seungmin’s first boyfriend, and Minho is the first person that finds out.
And it is all because of their own stupidity.
They shouldn’t have been kissing in the kitchen. It was late at night, so it felt safe—everyone was sleeping or chilling out in their rooms. It was supposed to be one little kiss. Two. Three maybe.
If it was anyone else, Seungmin probably would’ve heard them coming. But Minho was quiet. He was moving from one place to another like a cat, no noise, even his feet landing on the ground softly, as if covered in real cat fur.
Minho entered the kitchen and for a moment, he just watched him and Chan. Seungmin knew, because at some point he noticed him, in the corner of his eye, and only the moment he looked at him, Minho turned his gaze away.
What came next happened so quickly. Seungmin leaned away from Chan as much as he could, his hands frantically grabbing the edges of the counter behind him. As if it could help him. There was no escape; he was cornered. Chan tried to catch his hands, arms—anything—for a short moment before backing away.
It was too late.
They got caught.
*
“I’m not going to tell anyone, you know that?”
Seungmin can feel his lips pursing against his will. “I wouldn’t expect you to tell people. Well, maybe except for Han.”
“I’m not going to tell him.”
Seungmin looks at Minho somewhat sceptically. “Okay.”
Minho sighs. His eyes roll as he closes them in a slightly dramatic manner. “I won’t do it, really. What makes you think I would lie to you about it?”
*
Chan is pretty. Chan has abs and a big butt and fluffy hair which gets rough to the touch if dyed too often. Chan has big black hoodies which Seungmin likes to steal. He has freckles and lips that are incredibly soft.
Sometimes they just lie in bed. Chan has his leg hooked over Seungmin’s or his arm around Seungmin’s back or his hand in Seungmin’s hair. Seungmin keeps looking at Chan, at his eyes full of love.
He wonders if his own eyes mirror this love at least.
*
“What if I still love him?”
“That’s okay.”
“Would you still want to be with me?”
Chan grabs his hand, holds it between his palms, moulds it. “Only if you love me, too.”
His tone of voice is so light. It doesn’t match the emotional crisis Seungmin is going through.
*
“You can have feelings for many people at once, you know that?”
“I’m not a polygamist.”
Changbin fiddles with the wires of the headphones he’s holding. “You don’t have to be one to be interested in more than one person. Look at Hyunjin. He has crushes on every single one of us except they change every week, and at the same time he’s the biggest romantic monogamist ever.”
“But it’s not the same… I’m not interested in many people. It’s about just one person that I can’t kick out of my head. And I have to see him every day, so I can’t escape it, and every time I look at him—”
Seungmin pauses because he genuinely doesn’t know what he feels anymore. Does he want to kiss him? Punch him? Snuggle into him? Proclaim his love to him? Tell him that everything is unfair?
It’s all stupid, and none of it is even true.
Changbin looks at him expectantly. “Every time you look at him…?”
Seungmin lowers his gaze—he looks at the wall, at the floor; eventually he ends up staring at his own feet. “I don’t know. It just hurts.”
*
“I couldn’t lie to you about it.”
“I know. It’s okay. I’m not offended.”
Seungmin feels that he’s being overly dramatic. It’s a part of his personality—he gets too attached to people and can’t take losing them. Even figuratively.
Right now, he wants to kiss Chan. He really, really wants to do it. And it wouldn’t be the first time. It wouldn’t even be the tenth. But now that he came clean with how he feels, it wouldn’t be the same. It would feel like cheating—on both of them.
“I’m sorry.”
Chan only smiles at him gently. “I told you. It’s okay.”
*
He knows that at some point he will have to close the chapter with Minho. There’s nothing in it, really. It’s all empty pages.
He’s never ready. It hurts. Chan is there, right in front of him, always, ready, in love.
It’s too much. Seungmin knows he’ll see nothing there, but he has to look back.
*
“I’m so stupid.”
He cries. He has his head on Changbin’s lap, and his tears are soaking through his trousers. It’s so gross, so pathetic.
“You’re not stupid,” Changbin says, stroking his hair. “Ah, Seungminnie, it’s okay to feel things.”
Seungmin cries even harder.
*
He’s gotten used to it.
Sitting between Chan’s legs, his back propped against Chan’s chest. Wearing a stolen hoodie. Arms embracing him strongly, securely.
He seeks out Chan more and more often. Whenever Chan is away, Seungmin secretly wishes he would come back. He misses his hugs. He misses his voice. He wants to be around him.
Whenever he’s with Chan, his worries seem to disappear. It’s so easy to lose himself in Chan’s laughter, in his touch. It all covers him like a blanket.
Seungmin worries that he wants to be with him for all the wrong reasons.
*
“When did you start liking me?”
Chan chuckles. “You don’t wanna know.”
“I do. Come on. Please.” Seungmin rarely begs, so he struggles with mustering up a pleading expression. He isn’t sure whether it’s very convincing.
Chan laughs at him—he’s clearly having fun. “It’s a secret.”
Seungmin grunts. “What do I have to do so that you tell me?” he asks, climbing on top of Chan in hope that some bribery will help him to get what he wants.
Chan laughs again. “Not this! That would be too easy.”
“What else then?”
Chan’s expression becomes a little darker, though still remains mischievous. “You’d have to tell me a secret, too.”
*
He trips. He’s supposed to jump from one platform to another, but he trips and falls off it.
The platform doesn’t reach very high up, but the impact of the fall makes his head buzz. He hits his knee hard, and his ankle hurts too, but the pain is delayed. It only comes when people start shouting around him.
The first voice Seungmin recognises belongs to Chan.
“Seungmin? Seungmin,” he repeats, a little frantically. Someone’s arm embraces him, and he assumes it’s Chan’s, too.
“I’m fine,” Seungmin says, but the moment he tries to move, the pain in his ankle increases tenfolds. “Oh god.”
“Where does it hurt?” Chan asks, but it hurts so much that Seungmin forgets how to speak for a moment. “Leg?”
“Ankle.”
“Okay, which one?”
“Left.”
Seungmin’s body starts to tremble from the sheer effort of trying to hold himself still. His head is still buzzing, and he can’t focus. He doesn’t know what to do, but thankfully Chan notices his discomfort.
“I’ll try to turn you over, okay? So that you don’t have to kneel.”
Seungmin nods weakly.
“Lift his calf,” Chan says to someone standing behind Seungmin.
“Please be careful.”
Seungmin groans when he’s being handled because no matter how gentle the boys are with him, it still hurts. Chan supports his upper body as Seungmin fully lies down on the floor, and someone else grabs his hips and turns him onto his back. Another person makes sure his hurt ankle stays in the air.
There are so many people around him that Seungmin loses track of who is doing what. He only knows that Chan is right beside him.
“It’s okay,” he says once Seungmin it’s in a more comfortable position. His tone of voice is so different from the one he always uses. “Don’t worry. It’s okay.”
*
It turns out that his ankle is sprained pretty badly. He’s basically banned from walking so that it can heal as fast as possible, but at least he’s lucky enough that it isn’t broken.
Minho insists on cooking for him.
“My hands still work just fine, you know?” Seungmin says one day when they are in the kitchen. Seungmin sits by the table and watches Minho.
“Are you planning to cook while sitting on a chair or what?”
Seungmin sighs. “Fine, you win.”
“No, you win. You win this delicious meal.”
“How do you know it’s gonna be delicious? It’s halfway done.”
Minho turns around, his expression a little demonic. “Do you see this egg? It’s going either there,” he points at the pan, “or on top of your head.”
“Why so rude?”
“Why so snarky? Also, you can’t run away from me, so I would watch my mouth if I were you.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes but stays quiet. He really appreciates that Minho cares for him so much, but it also makes him feel a little awkward.
“Here,” Minho says, placing a bowl in front of Seungmin in no time.
“It smells so good.”
“Told you.”
Seungmin eats the food quickly, as if someone’s going to come and take it away from him. It’s so good. He empties the bowl completely, to the last noodle.
“Thank you. It really was delicious,” he says afterwards.
Minho pats his head. “No problem.”
Seungmin expects him to retreat his hand, but Minho starts stroking his hair instead. He looks at Seungmin with incredible fondness and then smiles.
“You always get yourself hurt in the stupidest ways.”
*
Chan spends more time with him after Seungmin gets injured. As if the fact that he got mildly hurt means that he needs to be protected from any other potential threats at all times.
Seungmin remembers that it used to be similar when they were in Australia and his back was hurt. Seungmin missed out on a lot of things, but Chan kept him company as much as he could. Even though it meant that he wouldn’t participate in all those fun things, Chan still chose to be with Seungmin.
Back then, Seungmin thought he did it out of sheer sense of responsibility. Chan gets overprotective sometimes, and he blames himself for a lot of things that regard the whole group, so his decision wasn’t surprising.
Now, Seungmin wonders if that was the only reason Chan wanted to stay with him.
Chan still hasn’t told Seungmin when he started to have feelings for him, so there’s no way Seungmin could tell.
*
“All good?” Chan asks when he enters Seungmin’s room. He checks up on him often.
Seungmin just nods. It’s good. All good. He and Minho switched beds after Seungmin got injured, so that he doesn’t have to climb up. Everyone offers to bring him the things he needs, so that he doesn’t have to walk. It makes him feel a little sorry for them, but he’s grateful. They are always there when he needs them.
Chan lies down next to him. He’s so careful. For a moment, Seungmin imagines he’s made of glass.
“Does it still hurt?”
Seungmin shakes his head. His ankle is still a bit swollen, and the bruise hasn’t yet disappeared, but it doesn’t hurt as long as he doesn’t put any pressure on it.
“My poor baby,” Chan says, smiling, and Seungmin feels he should punch him for talking to him like that, but instead his heart flutters.
*
Talking to Minho is much easier now that Seungmin isn’t trying to impress him or get his attention. He doesn’t feel tense anymore. Their vibe has changed. There’s a relaxing aura around them.
It feels refreshing.
It’s like a new start.
*
Chan is beautiful.
Whenever Seungmin tells him that, Chan hides his face in his hands and shakes his head.
Chan is cute when he’s shy, and he’s cute when he stares at Seungmin’s lips as if he’s not sure whether he’s allowed to kiss him.
Seungmin kisses him first every time it happens. He couldn’t let Chan think that he isn’t wanted.
Seungmin wants him so much. He doesn’t know what has happened to him. He doesn’t know where it came from—this sudden, unexpected feeling. He only knows that he needs more. Being around Chan is overwhelming, but he still wants more of him. He wants everything.
Chan looks at him the same way he used to. Those loving eyes are still the same, but only now Seungmin understands what they’re trying to say.