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"Fuck" Harry moaned against his lips. "I'm ready, wanna do it now"
"Are you sure?" Louis asked. Harry had never had sex with a man, and he was putting so much trust in Louis' hands.
"I'm sure" Harry nodded. "I love you, I want you" he whispered.
"I love you too baby" Louis said before kissing him reassuringly.
They had been dating for a few months, after meeting at uni and being friends for a while. Harry was so shy and introverted, but had opened up to Louis over time. He couldn't even believe he got to love someone as wonderful.
"But... erm" Harry stuttered. "Can I keep my jumper?" He asked and Louis looked at him fondly.
"Of course baby, anything you want" he whispered.
That night they had made love for the first time, and Louis wasn't even sure how it was possible he could feel even closer to his lover, but he did.
***
"Lou" Harry whispered softly against Louis' chest.
He loved lazy mornings when they didn't have class. They spent them cuddled in Louis' dorm, bathing in each other's company.
"Yes, love?" He whispered, looking down at Harry.
"Do you think you'll love me forever?" He asked quietly, shy and unsure.
"I do" Louis said, kissing the top of his head. "There's nothing that could make me stop loving you" he assured him. He had never believed anything as much as he believed this.
"I've never loved someone like I love you" Harry admitted. "I didn't think it was possible" he added, oh so quietly.
"I feel the same" Louis whispered. His heart was beating so fast he was sure Harry could feel it— feel all this love that was consuming him until he was reduced to being enamoured with the boy in a deeper way he had ever thought possible.
***
It was dark in quiet in the movie theatre, and Louis could only think about grasping Harry's hand, to feel its warmth in his own.
Harry was resting his head against his shoulder, his wild curls tickling his cheek as Louis put his hand on top of Harry's, stroking the skin of his wrist under his sleeves in a soothing motion until he felt Harry's breath hitch.
"Are you okay?" He murmured.
"Yeah, fine" he said as he gripped Louis' hand, lacing their fingers, and restraining Louis from stroking his hand.
***
"I need to shower" Harry muttered, laying boneless on the bed as Louis cuddled him.
"Can I join you?" Louis asked with a cheeky smile as he looked at Harry.
"It's not that I don't want to... but I'm just— I don't..." Harry stuttered before Louis shut him off with a kiss.
"It's okay, I was joking" Louis said reassuringly.
"It's just I don't want to get naked in front of you— in front of anyone" he said. "I'm insecure, without a shirt" Harry whispered.
"Nothing could make me find you less beautiful, even if you never let me see you, it's okay" he kissed his neck softly. "I wish you wouldn't feel that way, though" he brushed a curl behind Harry's ear.
"Me too, I wish I didn't" Harry sighed.
***
Harry scratched his arm through his sleeve, something that Louis had noticed he did when he was anxious.
"What are you thinking about, darling?" Louis asked.
"You know I'm going back home tonight, and my mum invited the rest of my family" he sighed. "My uncle always finds a way to make an homophobic speech even if it has nothing to do with the conversation" he looked down.
"Baby, if you don't feel comfortable, you shouldn't go, but if you have to and it gets too much, call me anytime, even if it's in the middle of the night, and I'll be there to talk, or even pick you up if you need to leave. I'll always save you, my love" Louis said, looking earnestly in Harry's eyes.
"Thank you Lou" he smiled, his eyes wet and his hand still holding his wrist, but he looked calmer.
***
"Harry, I'm back!" Louis said as he entered the dorm. He had been gone for the night, for his sister's birthday, and he was dying to see Harry again. He knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you in there?" He asked.
"Yes, don't come in" a weak voice answered.
"Are you okay?" Louis asked.
"Yes, I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute" Harry said and he sniffled.
"Baby, why are you crying, what's wrong?" He could hear Harry's choked off sobs weakly through the door.
"Nothing, I swear, it's just..." Harry sighed. "I came out to my dad" he said.
"Oh Harry" Louis whispered.
"I wanted to bring you home for Christmas" Harry said. "He hung up on me, I think he's angry with me" Harry whispered between sobs and Louis couldn't stay outside.
"I'm coming in" he said as he opened the door.
"No, Lou, don't!" He heard Harry say before he saw him and his heart dropped.
Harry was sitting on the floor, his sleeves bunched up on his arms and a blade in his hand, and now that he thought about it, Louis had never seen Harry without long sleeves, and he wondered how he could've been so blind.
"What are you doing?" Louis asked shakily as Harry broke down, sobbing loudly.
"Please don't be mad Lou, I'm sorry" he whispered as he looked at Louis, his eyes full of tears.
"Oh god, I'm not mad, just— give me that" Louis got to his knee and took the blade from Harry's hand.
"I'm sorry" he sobbed, hugging himself, like he was protecting himself from the world, protecting himself from Louis.
"Baby... what— why?" Louis breathed. "Please let me see, I want to make sure you're okay" he gripped Harry's arm softly.
"I'm sorry Lou, I tried to stop, but I can't do it" he sobbed as he let Louis check his forearms.
They were littered in cuts, and he could see all the healed scars through them.
"Harry, it's okay, I just need to know you're safe" Louis said, willing himself not to cry. "Let me go grab the first aid kit" he said before doing so as quickly as he could.
"Are you mad at me?" Harry muttered as Louis washed his arm softly, to make sure he wouldn't hurt him.
"I'm not mad baby, I'm worried" he said, keeping his eyes on Harry's arms so he wouldn't see his damp eyes.
"I'm sorry" Harry said quietly.
"Is that why you wouldn't take off your shirt?" He asked quietly. "Why you flinch when I touch your arm? Or why you scratch them when you're nervous" he asked.
"I didn't want you to know how pathetic I am" Harry said. "Didn't think you could love me if you saw" he cried.
"Oh, love" Louis hugged him as soon as he had finished bandaging his cuts. "I still love you just as much... and I don't think you're pathetic, but I think you need to talk about all these feelings instead of keeping them to yourself" he whispered into his neck.
"I've been trying to stop" Harry whispered. "I was clean for almost a month before today" he whispered as the tears started running down his face again.
"I'm proud of you, that you tried to get better, that's so big. Come on, let's get into bed so I can cuddle you" Louis whispered.
"I'm sorry" Harry whispered for what felt like the millionth time as soon as he was in Louis' arms.
"No, I'm sorry" Louis said. "I should've noticed something was wrong"
"Don't do that" Harry sighed. "I hid it from you because I didn't want you to know" he said.
"How long have you been doing this?" He asked, his heart tight in his chest.
"Did it for the first time when I was 15," Harry admitted. "When my grandma passed, but then I just— didn't stop" he whispered shakily.
"I'm so sorry, baby" Louis hugged him tighter. "That you felt this was the only way" he whispered.
"I don't know how to be better" Harry whispered, his breath shaky as tears rolled down his cheeks onto Louis' shirt.
"You won't be alone, I'll hold your hand every step of he way" Louis said.
"But what if I can't stop" Harry said. "What if I'm just one of those people who isn't meant to be better"
"You deserve all the happiness in the world, love" Louis whispered softly. "And I'll make sure you can get it" he kissed the top of his head.
"Are you going to leave me?" Harry asked quietly.
"Never" Louis said as he gripped his hand. "You're the one, Harry, you're my forever" he said as he brought Harry's wrist to his lips to kiss his scars tenderly. "I love you so much"
"Thank you," Harry cried into his chest.
"Will you tell me when you feel like cutting?" Louis asked.
"I'll try" Harry said. "I can't believe I came out to my dad"
"I'm so proud of you, baby, you're so brave," Louis whispered. "I'm sure he'll come around"
"And if he doesn't" Harry breathed.
"You deserve love, Harry" Louis said. "If he won't give it to you, then he doesn't deserve you"
"This sucks" Harry whispered.
"Yeah" Louis agreed quietly.
"But I'm relieved" Harry added.
"Why?" Louis asked.
"I'd never come out to anyone, I mean, like said that I'm gay" Harry said. "I never did that, and now I have, and even if it went bad, the world isn't collapsing, I'm still here"
"You are" Louis said quietly. "You did it, and I'm so proud of you"
"Thank you" Harry nuzzled his face in Louis' neck.
"I mean it" Louis said.
"No— I mean, for still being here" Harry said. "I couldn't tell you because I thought you'd leave me. I was sure you wouldn't want me if you knew how... mental I am" Harry whispered.
"Do you really think you're mental?" Louis asked.
"I don't know, maybe" Harry shrugged weakly.
"Well, all the best people are" Louis said with a small smile.
"Don't you dare quote the mad hatter right now" Harry giggled despite how heavy the moment felt.
"Sorry" Louis smiled.
***
"Louis" he said.
"Harry" Louis mimicked, looking at Harry through half closed eyes.
"Do you know what today is?" Harry asked.
"It's the night" Louis whispered.
"Shush, this is important" Harry frowned at him, his face barely lit up by the moonlight that shone through the window of their flat.
"What is it?" Louis asked, kissing Harry's forehead lazily since it was the closest part of him he could reach.
"It's been one year" Harry whispered.
"One year of what" Louis asked, still on the brink of sleep.
"I'm one year clean today" Harry whispered and Louis opened his eyes wide, finally seeing Harry's shining eyes.
"Oh baby" he brought Harry's hands to his chest, his fingers finding his bare arms. "I'm so incredibly proud of you" he said.
"I'm proud of me too" Harry said as he laid back against Louis' chest.
"I love you" Louis laughed softly. He had never seen Harry more radiant than he had been recently.
"I love you more" Harry said. "Thank you," he added.
"For what?" Louis asked, his eyes heavy.
"For saving me" Harry mumbled as Louis looked at him fondly.
"You saved yourself, I was just there to hold your hand" Louis whispered.
"Well, you're a pretty good hand holder" Harry giggled. "And the bestest of boyfriends" He added, his voice heavy with sleep.
"No, you are" Louis mumbled, fighting the unconsciousness.
"You are" Harry whispered slowly, a yawn breaking through the end of his sentence.
"You" Louis mumbled.
"You" Harry breathed as he fell asleep.
"You" Louis settled even if he knew Harry couldn't hear. "Always you"
***
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