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Yeonjun feels sick, staring at the two of them.
Soobin smiles up at Beomgyu from his seat, gaze warm and tender and fuck, Yeonjun remembers when Soobin used to look at him like that.
It hurts - remembering.
Remembering when Soobin would laugh at everything Yeonjun would say, a shitty joke causing the younger man to burst into hysterics. When Soobin would shake his head fondly whenever Yeonjun said something stupid, teasingly calling him an idiot and fending off his smacks with a laugh. When Soobin would calm him down after a long day of practice, strung out and tired from forcing himself to be perfect, and just melt into his (ex, he needs to remember that, ex, ex, ex-) boyfriend’s arms.
Yeonjun remembers when Soobin said I love you and meant it in the way he had wished for since the day they met.
But now it’s not him. Now it’s Beomgyu. Beomgyu, who matches Soobin’s snarky remarks with playful comments and laughter, bright and beautiful and Yeonjun aches. He’s not jealous, he’s not, he’s not. Yeonjun isn’t the type to get jealous. Heartbroken, maybe, because Soobin had said, “I’m sorry, hyung, I… I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore,” and “We can still be friends,” and “Beomgyu, it’s Beomgyu,” and of course it’s Beomgyu.
It’s just-
Yeonjun didn’t know heartbreak would tear through him this badly.
He had thought he could prepare for anything. Take anything the world threw at him with ease and work through it.
But, but, but. Not heartbreak.
It’s like the first time Soobin kissed him. And the last. It takes his breath away, rips him apart and tears through him like a hurricane. It feels like thorns surrounding him, under his skin, squeezing his heart until it bleeds. It feels like Soobin had walked over, ripped his heart out of his chest, dropped it to the ground and walked away.
Still, they’re professionals. They interact less, but they can stand next to each other and Yeonjun just hides a hand behind his back, curling it into a fist until his nails are pressing against and almost breaking his skin whenever their shoulders brush. He remembers when Soobin would wrap an arm around him and laugh, warm and close and breathing and there. Now he settles for when Soobin walks past him, brushing against him for a split second before he’s gone and Yeonjun’s cold, cold, cold again.
And now.
Now Beomgyu’s warm. Shining, glowing under Soobin’s attention, returning the same look Soobin gives him. Yeonjun feels sick to his stomach and tears threaten to escape his eyes and fuck, they’re shooting an episode, not here, not now-
“Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom,” Yeonjun chokes out before he rushes by them, searching for the sign for the washroom through his blurry gaze. He finally finds it, slamming the door behind him and locking it with shaking hands before the first sob bursts out of him.
The sound that escapes him can only be described as broken. Broken, broken, broken. Like his heart. Like his everything the day Soobin left him, shattering Yeonjun into a thousand pieces and moving on the next day like it’s nothing. Nothing to him, nothing at all.
He’s not sure what hurts more. The way Soobin looks at Beomgyu, or the way Soobin looks at Yeonjun now.
He slams a hand over his mouth, tilting his head up as he breathes through his nose, his back sliding down the door. His sobs are muffled by his palm, tears streaming down his face. He can’t, he can’t walk back out there knowing full well how Soobin feels and how Beomgyu feels and how Soobin doesn’t feel for Yeonjun. He can’t.
Fuck, Soobin really doesn’t love him anymore, does he?
It used to be him.
Yeonjun used to be the one that demanded Soobin’s attention all the time, clinging onto him and bickering with him. Yeonjun used to be the one that teased and flirted and air-kissed to elicit the best reactions from the taller man. Yeonjun used to be the one that Soobin loved.
Maybe he isn't as worthy of love as he thinks he is.
How could anyone fall out of love so fast? How could anyone just take one look at someone they used to dedicate their heart to and forfeit it just as quickly, just because someone else came along?
Yeonjun should’ve noticed. Maybe it had always been there; maybe it was brand new, something that could grow. Maybe Soobin had only been with Yeonjun to try and fill a Beomgyu-shaped hole in his heart.
That’s when the worst possible thought hit Yeonjun-
Maybe Soobin had never loved him in the first place.
“Fuck,” he gasps aloud, squeezing his eyes shut. Stop, stop, stop, he screams, please, I’m begging you-
His brain doesn’t listen. Neither does his heart. Thoughts of why Soobin never loved him (loud, clingy, annoying, can’t shut up, can’t leave him alone, can’t get over him-) overwhelm him, each one worse than the last, and his heart squeezes painfully at each word swirling through his head, and God, no wonder Soobin left, always too good for me, too patient, he always deserved better-
His phone buzzes.
kai noot noot
hyungie wya?
we’re about to finish filming
yeonjun noona!!!!
sorry
bathroom
omw back now
He furiously rubs away his tears and stands, dusting off his jeans. His knees ache and his hands hurt and all he wants is for Soobin to kiss away his tears and talk him through it, but he can’t.
He takes a deep breath and opens the door.