Work Text:
1
it was a long time back when it first happened.
jisung assumed it was just nerves originally. he got like that sometimes- hell, they all did. he'd pushed it aside, took a swig of water to wash down the bile stinging at his already hoarse throat. it wasn't like it was his first time performing so he didn't really have any reason to assume it was anything more than nerves. though, he couldn't push down the shaking feeling that he might've been downplaying it.
the stylist had adjusted his makeup, another his outfit. she had stood behind him, slightly to the side, tugging things into place and fixing his earpiece. vaguely, he'd registered her asking if it felt alright. he'd managed a nod, maybe a small grin. she'd walked away to tend to the next person when jisung had frozen on his reflection. was he pale? had he been pale? that had to be new, it felt like his foundation didn't match the sunken, whiteness underneath anymore. he'd touched the back of his fingers to his cheek, feeling the warmth radiating off it, then pulled himself away. he couldn't get lost in that, not right then. he'd let himself mull over it later.
"alright, sung?" chan had asked, clapping a hand onto his shoulder. he'd willed himself to ignore how he flinched. "yea, hyung." he'd mumbled. he'd unscrewed the cap of his water, taking another gulp before discarding it, then they were off. maneuvering the halls, squeezing past other groups, all the way backstage. jisung had thought, in that moment, that he was suffocating. every step had felt like a stab to his gut, another length of rope tightened around his chest- around his lungs. pulling, constricting without letting up for even a moment. he remembered the floor swooping under him, feeling himself come to a stop and placing his clammy hand on the wall next to him. the others had gone ahead, seemingly not noticing him.
he'd forced himself off the wall onto unsteady feet that had no choice but to jog lightly to catch up. he remembered thinking he was going to collapse before he even got on the stage. the back of the stage had been darker and jisung didn't know if that was helpful or harmful in the end. once caught up to where his members gathered, someones arm snuck around his waist to huddle him in. he didn't have half the mind to wonder who. chan did his usual pep-talk and jisung wished the floor would open up and swallow him fifty feet under.
it was so quick, so sudden. jisung didn't have a moment to steady himself before the arm had left him to hold his own weight. he'd tumbled back, straight into someones chest and gotten lowered to the floor as gently as the person holding his trembling body could manage. "sung?" they'd called. knuckles caressed his forehead and his breaths began catching in his throat. his ears had rang so loudly, he thought he maybe, possibly remembered pressing his hands over them to get it to stop. someones legs had held him in while a hand caressed his chest. the conversation, though barely audible, had shocked him more than his own actions.
"hyung, his heart-" from behind him.
"should we get manager-hyung?" from somewhere more distant in front.
"no, don't. we only have a few minutes."
"but jisung needs help!"
"i know, i've got him."
jisung had recognized that voice in the rest of them. he'd peered up through swimming vision at just the right moment to watch minho crouch down in front of him and whoever was holding him. he remembered hearing himself whimper- such a pathetic sound, when he thought back on it- and minho moved to shush him. "you're alright. bin's holding you right now but i need you to talk to me." minho said, loud enough for jisung to understand. jisung had nodded and licked his lips.
"i-i don't..i didn't feel good." he'd started. minho nodded back at him. "you're sick?" he pried. jisung wheezed and coughed once or twice, harsh coughs that stung his already constricted throat. "i-i thought i was nervous and i felt sick and- pale and dizzy- got dizzy in the hall- i'm- i feel like i'm suffocating, i can't- hyung-" he'd stuttered through the whole mess and came out on the other side feeling hopeless, like he was going to pass out and die right there on the floor all because he couldn't collect himself and organize his thoughts.
"you're okay, sungie. you've been here before, yea?" minho had interrupted, noticing jisung steadily getting more panicked. it was like a moment of clarity where jisung thought he'd never been so glad in his entire life that someone understood what he was telling them. he'd placed a hand on jisungs knee, prying away his own hand where his nails dug into the thin, leather pants. when had he even started doing that? "you're having an anxiety attack. you know what that is." minho had spoken so gently, so softly. jisung thought his heart would leap from his throat and he didn't know if that was anxiety driven or the alternative- whatever that was, it involved minho in some way. he knew that. "breathe. in and out, follow bin." jisung had felt changbins chest rising and falling slowly against his back, puffs of air hitting the side of his head and rustling his hair.
thinking back on it, it was hard to really remember what all happened after that point. he'd gathered bits and pieces plus whatever changbin, minho, and hyunjin- who had been the mysterious other voice nearby (aside from changbin) when he collapsed- had remembered of it. minho had talked him through it, held his hand the whole time while changbin had purposefully kept his breathing slow and exaggerated. he'd felt shame and guilt. the whole thing had hit him so suddenly and literally knocked him off his feet. he swore it had been nerves until it wasn't just nerves anymore. that time, that single time caused by nothing in particular had been the first time he'd ever had an attack before performing. he didn't just..do that normally.
shame. it was fucking shameful. it was fucking pathetic. he hated himself. he latched onto that thought process, repeating and repeating until his eyes had stung with tears he wouldn't let fall because he didn't deserve that either. he had himself convinced that he was pathetic, that he could handle a little nervousness every once in a while. he didn't need anyones help and he certainly didn't deserve it. not after making a huge scene the first time.
2
never in a million years would minho have let him get away with that, it seemed. he'd started realizing the fact maybe a few months after the first time minho had come to his rescue. up until that point, jisung kept it pretty much to himself aside from checking in with chan every so often when the elder grew worried by his inattentiveness and shaking hands. it was stupid. jisung thought so anyways. it was stupid to be so panicked when this was his job. this was the job he asked for, to be looked at and judged by millions of people on a daily basis. he offered himself up to this position. it was stupid to be so overwhelmed when he asked for it.
he kept the others out of it. he panicked when he was alone and shoved it all down when anyone was near because it felt better than the alternative. he assumed that worked well enough but he hadn't known that during all of that, minho was observing.
to be fair, minho was always observing everything. he was just as bad as seungmin when it came to the watching and taking in information, processing the world around him before making a move.
"doin' alright, sungie?" minho asked as he trailed into the kitchen. jisung leaned forward against the counter, waiting for his food to cook while he silently mumbled over the lyrics he'd written. they felt..not good. he knew he could do better yet, his head just wasn't in it at the moment? chan assured him it was fine but he pushed himself anyways. he wanted these songs to be good enough for their fans. that thought sent him tumbling into a pit of anxiety almost immediately. he tapped his hands against the counter, attracting minhos attention. "what's going on?"
"just-" jisung started. he quickly shut his mouth and shook his head. he couldn't cave now. minho glanced towards jisungs restless hands and his entire body rocking back and forth on his feet. he walked over to jisung, stopping next to him and caressing a hand down his spine soothingly. "do you need help?" he asked.
jisung sighed. "no thanks, hyung. i'll get these lyrics written eventually."
"that's not what i meant, sungie." minho spoke gently.
jisung heart dropped into his stomach. he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, releasing and biting again repeatedly. "i'm-" he inhaled sharply, "-i'm okay." he whispered, not trusting his voice. his entire body betrayed him. there it was again- that tightness in his chest that made him inhale suddenly and audibly. the hand on his back moved in closer, squeezing his side. "i- hyung, i need to write." jisung tried. what even was the problem? he wasn't even doing anything that should've been making him anxious.
he lifted a hand, running it through his hair to keep it from sticking to his forehead. normally, his anxiety was set off by people, large groups of them, being judged and stared at, too much attention. despite how familiar, this feeling was still so foreign when it plagued him in the comfort of his own home. the hand prodding at his side tightened and tugged. "come here." minho whispered, trying to coax jisung away from the counter. jisung pushed the hand away, probably way more harshly than he should have. "i'm working." he huffed.
after a minute or two, minho sighed behind him. "if you say so." he replied, a bite laced in his tone. "but don't get angry with me when that doesn't work out for you." minho marched away to leave the kitchen. jisung glanced at him, his heart growing cold watching one of his closest hyungs walk away. minho paused, though. he turned back just at the opening of the kitchen, a glare set deep in his features that set the stage for something a little less noticeable- concern, an edge of genuine sadness. "i'm just trying to help you, aegi." was the last thing he mumbled out before disappearing.
jisung felt his heart clench painfully. he turned and leaned his head into the cabinet with a harsh thud that was sure to leave a mark as his hand came up to his chest, digging the heel right over his heart like he could somehow grasp it and slow its obnoxious beating. by the time he opened his eyes to focus back on the page of lyrics in front of him, his vision blurred and tilted. he stumbled back, catching himself on the edge of the kitchen table. he took his statement back, the whole room tilted. he almost managed to lose his footing and if it weren't for his palms clutching the table, he probably would have fallen straight to the floor. and he hated it.
he knew what that meant. the second he ever felt weak and unable to stand, it meant anxiety attack. what the fuck even was his problem? he was in the safety of his own home, why was this happening? he must have made some sort of noise that alerted someone because footsteps came to a quick stop in the kitchen, a quiet 'jisung-hyung?' following it. the footsteps turned to jogging as the person retreated and jisung felt himself whimper, wanting them to come back. although, he wasn't really sure it was the whimper itself that brought the footsteps back. this time, two pairs of them. somewhere distantly, he realized the person had called him 'hyung', so it was one of the younger kids who'd probably fetch someone older. somewhere even more distant, he remembered most of the hyungs were at the company building. minho was the only one home.
that felt worse. for someone to bring back minho with the knowledge that he'd just pushed minho away not even a few minutes ago. was it a few minutes? was it longer? he honestly couldn't tell anymore. all at once, he felt the cold floor underneath him in contrast with a warm hand clutching him, thumbs stroking the inside of his wrists. "aish-" minho breathed, scooting in closer, "-i tried to tell you." it seemed like more of a comment to himself but it didn't make jisung feel any better to hear it. he hung his head, attempting to curl into himself and away from minho. "no, no. don't do that. c'mere, hyung didn't mean it." minho comforted. "it's alright. breathe."
"is jisung-hyung okay?" a voice came from behind minho. he felt more than saw minho look over his shoulder, muttering a quick 'he'll be alright, innie' and then focusing back on jisung. he cycled back to the same thought process as if it were pure instinct. he launched himself back into 'this is pathetic, i'm pathetic, i don't deserve this, i hate that i'm like this-' and so on. he knew he was getting stuck in his head again, he always did. except now, he had someone to pull him out. as much as it hurt to let himself be vulnerable, he couldn't deny all the time he'd panicked until he threw up or passed out in the privacy of his room or the bathroom. he couldn't deny that minho chased that all away way faster than he could have himself.
in a moment of desperation, he reached forward blindly to yank at minhos sleeve. minho was moving closer in milliseconds. "i'm not going anywhere." he said. "i need you to breath, though. you're not breathing." hadn't he been? maybe that's why his vision went black the moment he opened his eyes to look at minho. his breath rushed out of him and quickly back in, throwing him into a coughing fit. minho reached a hand up to his shoulder, inching around to his shoulder blade. "take it easy. shh, easy. slowly." jisung tried his best to listen. he pried his other hand from minhos grasp and shot it out, simultaneously pulling minho forward and crawling into his lap. minho braced him with a hand on his lower back so he could cross his legs and lower jisung against his chest. "there you go. just breathe, don't worry about anything else."
over the course of the next few minutes- or however long it was- jeongin had left while the front door opened. the members came in chattering but hushed as soon as- what jisung assumed the noise was- jeongin collided with one of them, eliciting a loud 'oof' and someone asking him what was wrong. there was a few more words exchanged before footsteps hurried into the kitchen. minho was just re-tucking jisungs face against his neck and toying with his hair when the person- chan- stopped. of course it was chan who rushed first. "is he alright?" chan asked. jisung felt minho nod mutely.
jisungs muscles slowly relaxed, allowing him to hook his legs around minhos waist and his arms to raise shakily from gripping minhos shirt to lay around his neck instead. minho apparently took that as an opportunity to stand, lifting jisung from the floor. jisung whined in protest, instantly seizing back up at the nauseating movement. minho rubbed circles into jisungs back, shushing his cries. "i'm just taking you to lay down. i don't think the kitchen floor is the best place for an anxiety attack, sungie." jisung nuzzled his nose against minhos neck as he was carried. was he still having the attack? he wasn't hyperventilating anymore, not really. he was used to the shortness of breath more so than the other symptoms. it was like..one of the main indicators he was panicking. without that staple to ground himself on, how was he supposed to know?
for the first time in a while, he felt softness under his body and realized he was laying on his bed. minhos warmth was gone, prompting himself to pry open his sticky eyes and search frantically. "hey now, i didn't leave." minho mumbled, approaching the bed to crawl in beside him. "i just went to shut the door, you're okay. i wouldn't leave you alone like this."
"i- am i.." jisung struggled, "-was i- am i still..having.."
minho hummed. "i'd say so, yes. you're still having an attack right now."
"how?" jisung found himself blurting. he angled his head to look up at minho sitting next to where he laid. "how am i- i'm not..i can breath?"
it felt stupid to say out loud. of course hyperventilation wasn't the only symptom of an anxiety attack, he knew that. he meant more of 'how do i know i'm done freaking out if i have nothing physical to base it off of'. minhos eyebrows creased together as if he were trying to understand what jisung was asking him. "sungie, it's-" minho stopped, trying to decide his words, "-anxiety attacks are internal. even if you can breath okay, you can still be in one." he said, halfway amused and halfway concerned.
"i-i know that.." jisung whispered out of embarrassment. minho exhaled through his nose and pulled his legs up to cross. he slipped his right hand over jisungs thigh, kneading and massaging the tensed muscles. "don't worry about that. i'll help you, you don't need to worry yourself over whether it's over or not."
jisung pulled his lip between his teeth. he scratched at his side, catching minhos attention and causing him to stop his ministrations to jisungs thigh in favour of holding his hand. jisung sniffed once or twice and spoke again. "i don't- don't even know..why. did- nothing happened. i'm-i'm here." he hoped minho could keep the train of understanding his words, as vague and stupid as they sounded to himself. "you don't know why the attack is happening?" there that was again. is happening. nice to know it still wasn't over. jisung sighed and nodded. "mm. could just be..the idea of something? the idea of what you're producing going out to so many people, for everyone to listen to and judge. probably makes it worse if you're struggling or don't think it's good enough." jisung supposed that made sense. it was weird to him. he'd only ever freaked out this bad in the direct presence of so many people. "you shouldn't make a habit of that." minho said suddenly, referring to the scratching and lip biting. "you'll hurt yourself."
"i don't mean to." jisung replied.
minho smiled. "i know."
jisung nudged his face into the pillow, letting his eyes slip closed apparently long enough to calm down. he understood what minho meant. he could feel the attack ebbing away by the loosening of muscles, reduced dizziness and nausea. his thoughts stopped racing at some point and his senses instead focused on minho. the feeling of a warm hand in his, his other one caressing his cheek tenderly close enough for him to inhale and recognize minhos scent. he felt warm. he hadn't even realized his heart felt so cold until then, with minho next to him and just being there, even if he wasn't talking anymore. only when jisung shifted a bit, minho finally did start talking again.
"you know, i wish you would've let me help you before it got this bad." he mused. jisung cracked open his eyes to see minho watching him with a sad expression. he thought the only time he'd ever seen that look was minhos elimination and even then, the elder had been so much more put together than now. "i notice, you know. you get this look on your face, you wring your hands together and crack your neck or scratch and chew your lip. little things." he continued. jisung let him talk. he looked like he needed it more than he himself did. "all these little signs that would be so easy to miss if i didn't know where to look. i mean- i think i've tried to spend time learning your tics, piecing together what i can do to make it better." he gave a sad laugh, nothing more than a quick exhale. "i guess i don't know."
that hurt jisungs heart in an entirely different way. one that struck his nerves and pricked at his skin. minho had been trying so hard to help him and he had just been too stubborn to let himself have it. "you thought- that's what you were doing in the kitchen." jisung pieced together. "with the hand and the gentle voice."
"i thought those would calm you down." minho shrugged. "i think i picked up on it since the first time, backstage. you like gentle touches and redirection, knowing someone is with you. maybe i was wrong?" he phrased it like a question.
"it does- i do. you- you did a good thing." jisung rushed to explain. "i'm just stubborn, i guess?"
minho moved to lay down beside jisung, wrapping his arm protectively around his waist. "not stubborn, just hurting. you're allowed to hurt, just let me help you when you do. can't have anything happening to our sungie." and those few words shattered jisungs heart. all of a sudden, the dam broke and jisung felt a few tears slip from the corners of his eyes, followed by so, so many more. minho clung to him like his life depended on it and said nothing about the gut wrenching sounds muffled against his chest.
3
he made it a habit to not purposefully avoid everyone when he was anxious. as much as his instincts told him to get up and run, he always kept himself firmly locked in place. it was the only way he could open up, as painful as it was for a while. he had to, right? if it was bad enough now that he was missing events, leaving things early, even panicking in private just because of the thought of being seen by so many people, maybe he needed to let himself be vulnerable sometimes. maybe he needed to admit he needed help.
either way, minho wouldn't let him run even if he wanted to. the second he caved into his minds selfish desires, minho was hiding away with him. he didn't feel as alone anymore. he didn't have to worry about knowing if the attack was over or just starting or if he was subconsciously hurting himself because minho would always offer a hand to squeeze or a body to curl into. minho gave him an outlet that he hadn't realized he so desperately needed. the fans noticed- of course they did, they always did- that they clung to each other more. it wasn't like it was a secret, jisungs anxiety. he just hated the idea of being so vulnerable, so susceptible to threats and hate. even the few times it was mentioned in passing, he thought it was maybe a little downplayed. he couldn't complain. it was probably better that it was downplayed. still, it seemed weird that he was described as "doing fine" when he had to fight down demons to get a single word out sometimes.
minho made him feel..indescribable emotions. minho made him feel weightless and comforted. minho made him feel like a warm fire. minho made him feel things that other people didn't. minho made him feel safe when his entire body staged a revolt against him. minho offered him so, so much at any time he needed him. and he meant that. any time. including probably the worst of times.
throughout the shooting of the video- one where they drew each other and answered questions- jisung felt fine. maybe a little uneasy with the camera crew and staff watching them but other than the normal amount of anxiety he would always feel, he was fine. up until maybe halfway through. they'd started showing the drawings to the camera and having little conversations, laughing. that was all fine until jisung felt his pulse quicken. he wasn't sure what changed. maybe nothing at all. sometimes the normal anxiousness would become too much and it would just happen so fast, he wasn't sure what to do. he tried not to let it happen on camera because that meant he would have to deal with it subtly until the filming was over and then some until he could get to privacy.
he made sure to stay engaged in the conversation, appearing to the camera, crew, and members that nothing was going on while his heart pounded so hard, he felt it in his skull. he tried not to glance nervously towards the cameras or anyone in the room, definitely not the exits but, unsurprisingly, even that was difficult to manage. with years of experience, he supposed it wasn't completely awful to push down the nausea and need to flee. he'd done this maybe a million times and keeping engaged in conversation and jokes wasn't as bad as he maybe thought it was.
he tried not to think about it too much when he got loud, drew the attention towards himself. he tried not to stutter or laugh too nervously, tried to make it all seem natural. for the first half of the starting attack, it worked. at least, he assumed it did. he couldn't help but keep his eyes averted from others, intent on not thinking about just how many people were there, watching and judging. at some point, he saw minho getting antsy next to him. he lifted his hand repeatedly, toying with the collar of his shirt like he had every intention of placing his hand somewhere else. jisung imagined maybe, he wasn't so subtle. maybe minho wanted to wrap his arm around him or make contact somehow and the main reason he did those things was because jisung was anxious. maybe he wasn't subtle enough, maybe he wasn't doing good enough, maybe he couldn't just keep it under control, maybe-
they were nearing the end of filming. chan called out to the camera, something about thanking the fans for watching- jisung was zoning out. he realized he was staring blankly, answering nothing in particular on autopilot. this wasn't how he was acting before. this was too sudden a change, they'd surely notice. someone was going to notice and call him out, there was no way to know how long he'd dropped the act. maybe a few moments? it couldn't have been long but it was long enough to be noticeable. there was the shame again, the hot coil twisting his insides, rushing all of the panic he'd swallowed down. he couldn't even keep it together for one video. he felt his face drop before he could act on it.
then there was a hand on his knee.
he couldn't look, he couldn't make it more obvious than it was. he didn't need to look to know that it was minho giving him a comforting hand. he wasn't sure why. maybe the elder had just noticed his far away look but he didn't remember minho even looking at him much. he felt his whole body fill with the need to lurch forward, get up and run, cry, something. anything. he raised his hand long enough to wave to the camera and as soon as the recording ended, he was off. he discarded the notebook on the chair and left as fast as he could towards an exit. he wasn't really sure where he'd ended up, some hallway. it was too open, there were too many people looking at him. too many people who had noticed him leaving so quickly.
the door he'd come out of before opened again, loudly and abruptly. it was too loud, too much, too sudden. his back hit the wall and he sealed his hands over his ears, willing the ringing to just stop. someone jogged up to him, placing two gentle hands on his shoulders. "sungie, come on. follow me, follow hyung, okay? i've got you." jisung let himself be pulled from the wall. he stumbled into the person holding him, their faster reflexes acting and catching him before he could collide with the floor. it was a struggle, getting himself to move with them. he wasn't sure where he was, where he was going, who with, who was watching- he whimpered loudly, hands clasping around the back of his neck. he got lowered onto a soft surface slowly and carefully as his stomach rolled with nausea. "you're safe here, hyung promises. no one's here other than me and bin."
jisung heard his gasps, loud and rough coming from an already dry throat. behind that, he heard the rush of conversation.
"he's not listening. bin, get some water."
"should we call someone?"
"no i- i just don't know what to do."
"his anxiety attacks don't get this bad."
"it's not anxiety, it's panic. panic attack."
jisungs finally pieced together the voice as minhos. of course it was minho. if minho was here, he could help, he knew what to do. his hands scrambled for purchase on whatever he could feel. he must have grabbed minho because the elder let out a groan of pain and repositioned his hand in his own. he wasn't sure what was happening anymore. his body switched between flashes of hot and pricks of cold and his muscles spasmed, causing his arms or legs to jerk suddenly all while minho tried to keep him from falling. "p-" jisung croaked before gasping and yanking at minhos hand, "-please..i can't- dying-"
"hey, you're not dying. i wouldn't let that happen." minho spoke back. jisung pulled until he almost toppled off whatever he was sitting on, prompting minho to sit up on his knees and help jisung down to the floor, back into his lap. minho petted down jisungs back, hooking his chin around jisungs shoulder and vice versa to bring him in closer. "shh. calm, aegi. you're safe. nothing is going to hurt you. you're not in any danger." minho whispered below jisungs ear. he felt something soft press against the skin of his neck repeatedly and it took a moment to register it was minhos lips. he soothed him with chaste pecks, still offering him calming words and reassurance. "we're here, me and binnie. we're sitting on the floor in a very safe, secluded area. no one else is here. i'm not going to let go of you."
jisung stretched and retracted his hands behind minhos back a few times before realizing he couldn't really feel them. he wanted to grab something, maybe minhos shirt or changbins hand, anything he could reach but he couldn't. he cried out against minhos shoulder and pulled his arms from around minhos middle. he knocked them repeatedly against minhos chest, seemingly attempting to get blood flow back to them. minho stopped caressing his back to take hold of both of his hands. he rubbed his thumbs and fingers in circles over his palm and each of his fingers. "remember to breathe." minho mumbled, letting jisung rest back against the edge of what felt like a sofa. he returned to placing little pecks over the backs of his hands in an effort to distract him.
jisung waited. he waited for someone to come in, to yell at him, berate him for messing up and being pathetic. the things he waited for never came. slowly but surely, he began to relax again. minho seemed pleased that whatever he was doing- the gentle pecks to jisungs skin, holding his hands, whispering when his breath hitched a little too harshly or his hands trembled a little too much on the fierce side- was working. changbin had taken to crouching beside them, lifting and holding the water bottle steady for jisung when he had a moment to drink. eventually, jisung felt it fade away, replaced with fatigue.
"hi, aegi." minho cooed. "are you feeling better? wanna talk?" jisung nodded, blinking slowly. he looked up to changbin with pleading eyes. the elder unscrewed the water and moved to hold it up for jisung, surprised when jisung took hold of it himself. minho breathed a sigh of relief. "go to the others, bin. i've got him." jisung had grown to like that phrase. of course minho had him, he always had him.
changbin trailed away, leaving jisung to sip his water in silence. "i don't..know what happened. i was fine and then-" he huffed after closing the water. minho shifted back closer so their knees touched. "sounded like you just needed a minute that you didn't have time to take. you know how normally you have a distraction? you didn't have that. your mind had nowhere to go." jisung sat in silence, staring down at his hands where they fiddled with the peeling label of the water. "i was getting anxious myself." minho laughed. "i kept seeing you scratch at your knee." he pointed to the area, gingerly running his fingers across the tender area. "it was small originally but it just kept getting worse. you kept scratching harder and just had this distant look on your face, like you didn't even know what was happening."
"i didn't." jisung mumbled, running his own hands over the area. now that he realized, it was sore. "you could- it was in the video."
"stays probably won't think much of it. even if they do, they wouldn't be upset or weirded out." minho said.
jisung exhaled, irritated. "yea, well, it shouldn't have happened."
minho said nothing. he smiled sadly and offered a hand to jisung, lifting them both from the floor, jisung way more unsteady than him. "i'll hold you. come on." minho said, leading jisung back. "you can sleep in the van, if it makes you feel better." but jisung could only focus on the warmth and sturdiness of minho next to him. he'd focused so hard on him, he didn't realize they were getting in the van until minho guided him in. the elder was quick to scoot in close to him, coaxing his head into his lap as the van started, a few seconds later driving away.
a hand carded through his sweaty hair, pushing it back and letting cold breeze graze his forehead. he must have involuntarily shivered because minho shuffled underneath him, leaning forward to grab something. he felt a warmth cover him- one that smelled like minhos jacket. jisung nearly cried simply because minho cared about him. minho ran a finger over jisungs cheek and began humming a song to calm him and before long, he was lulled to sleep.
4
something changed in jisung from then. he hadn't remembered leaving the van or getting into bed but he sure did remember waking up with minho curled around his body. minho had brushed it off by saying jisung was shaking in his sleep and he was worried but a smaller part of him hoped minho had stayed simply because he wanted to. it was hard to say when jisung started wanting minho around so much but he didn't hate it. he knew minho had a soft spot for him, with the way he hugged him, caressed him, flirted with him. even if a lot of it could've passed for fanservice. for once, he didn't hate to admit minho was the first person he went to when he needed help.
airports were a nightmare. the whole group thought so, especially when mobs of saesangs or antis were in the airport, but for jisung, he felt worse about it. the vans had pulled up and he could already tell this walk through the airport was going to be living hell by the sheer amount of people who crowded just the entrance. he really should have anticipated this. he reached for his bag, pushing around the contents in search of what he was looking for. "hyung, cover the window." he mumbled to chan as he retrieved a pill bottle. chan immediately recognized it as anxiety medication and adjusted forward subtly to block most of the window.
jisung quickly downed two of the pills, chasing them with water after. "gonna be okay?" chan asked, eyeing jisung nervously. jisung took another sip of water and nodded. "i'll be fine."
would he though? as soon as they stepped foot out of the vans, the screams got louder. jisung flinched a little but brushed it off as shivering from the cold, merely pulling his mask up a little higher. they stood in a little huddle, watching the managers attempt to make a path. it was a lot easier said than done. they got enough people to move back where they could usher the members forward a little. they were mostly covered on both sides by managers but the closer they got to the mob, the trickier it became. they had to spread out to keep a pathway open. jisungs heart practically stopped when the only manager by his side moved forward against the crowd, leaving him to stand on his own.
that wasn't nearly enough time for his medicine to kick in. he had hoped when he took it in the van that someone would at least stay with him long enough for it to start working. he gulped and looked around with wild eyes, expecting a manager or someone to come from behind him, to let him know it was okay. no one stepped up. he caught a small glimpse of jeongin and felix linking arms somewhere behind him and changbin in front, shimmying past people as well as he could, but otherwise, no one was turning around. no one was coming forward. he was by himself in the middle of all these people. the others stopped up ahead, calling out for people to make a path and move. nobody moved in time, prompting the whole line of group members and staff to stop where they were.
jisung could handle moving. at least when they were walking, he was moving away from the prying hands and the loud shouting. at least when they were moving, they could safely push past people without anyone in the crowd getting harmed. stood still, they couldn't really move past people or push anyone out of the way without causing problems or making the crowd push harder. jisung looked down at his feet, feeling his hands start to go numb. he needed minho. where was minho? his head lifted and turned back all at once, searching frantically around the crowd. felix caught his eyes just a few steps behind him and knew instantly something was wrong.
he reached forward, latching onto jisungs sleeve and tugging him back. "jisung-"
"minho-hyung." jisung gasped out, turning fully to face felix. "where's..where's minho-hyung?"
felix gave jeongin a look who glanced over their shoulders pressed together. "he's behind us."
"sung, it's okay. just block your ears." felix tried to comfort to no avail. "cover your ears and close your eyes, we can hold onto you to help you move."
jisung shook his head frantically, gripping felixs shirt between them as someone bumped into his back and pushed them together. "need minho-hyung- please, lix-" he begged. felix and jeongin looked around- from each other, back at minho, forward behind jisung, at the crowd- before seemingly figuring something out. "okay." felix breathed, holding onto jisung. "okay, we'll get you back. don't worry. you're okay." he gave a quick touch to jisungs cheek and nodded at jeongin. they unlinked arms and turned to back up against the crowd, holding them back to make a small opening where felix could tug jisung through.
jisung stumbled for a moment but caught himself before he could fall to the floor. a couple of people gasped and cried out for him from the crowd and jisung felt his anxiety climb even more. now they were really watching him. he hadn't half the mind to pay attention to where felix and jeongin had gone because he caught sight of minho just in front of him and, all at once, collided with his chest. "sungie?" minho called. he wrapped his arms around the younger, looking up ahead at felix and jeongin who tried to communicate that jisung needed him. he seemed to get the idea on his own anyways. "aegi." minho kept his voice low to avoid unwanted attention. he allowed jisung to lean his head against his chest for a few moments. "you're okay."
up ahead, they called for the members to start moving again. minho patted jisungs shoulder, trying to turn him to walk forward. "i'm not leaving, sungie. i'm right here." he comforted. the pair of them began walking against the crowd and jisung immediately found minhos hand, firmly grasping it between them. minho focused on helping jisung walk forward without getting hurt or startled by anyone in the crowd. they stopped again somewhere ahead, just barely reaching the door they had to go through. jisung whimpered as they stopped again. minhos head jerked to attention, watching the front of jisungs mask move with how hard he was struggling to breath. he was sure the mask didn't help at all but it was better this than getting sick. "sh, sh, sh. i'm right here." he repeated. "hyungs got you."
they began walking again, quicker this time now that they were at the doorway. suddenly, jisung stumbled through the door, gasps erupting through the crowd. minhos reflexes were quicker to grab him by the waist and help him back up straight. he just knew all of that was picked up by a camera somewhere. despite that, he could feel himself beginning to calm down as they made it to a clear area- probably also the effects of his medicine kicking in. minhos fingers rubbed soothing circles onto his hip. "see? i wouldn't let anything happen to you, i promise."
5
there was a long period of time where jisungs anxiety attacks quieted down. you'd almost believe they were gone completely if it weren't for the subtle hints of the other members calming him down before it got out of hand. he supposed that was why they'd slowed down so much- his members. he knew it'd be only a matter of time for them to pick up on the same signs as minho, to figure out from minho how to help and he didn't hate it- opposite actually, he was thankful- but he felt..odd.
it was his and minhos thing. that felt dumb to think- it probably was dumb to think- but he felt like the moments he shared with minho were different than the others. he tried to not let it affect anything but he couldn't lie about minho being able to calm him down faster than others. maybe it was a psychological thing but either way, the other members noticed at some point because they always went to look for minho when jisung needed him. he hated being that way. he didn't want the other members to feel like they weren't helpful but they assured him they understood why he sought after minho.
"want me to get minho-hyung?" jisungs head shot up from staring down at his laptop to look at seungmin sitting next to him. he instantly stopped bouncing his knee. "huh? oh- no." he said, smiling nervously. "don't bother him. i think he's busy right now."
seungmin gave him a skeptical look before relaxing once again, only moving his chair a little closer. jisung typed something on the laptop, looking it over, erasing, then re-typing. "okay, uh- your verse is sort of like this." he said before singing a quiet melody with no actual lyrics. they were just making markers, trying to get the flow out before working on getting the lyrics down, but jisung still felt stressed. this was supposed to be the easier part. the instrumental was already put together, they just needed to get the lines down, so why did he feel like he was going to be sick? he sat back and listened to seungmin read off and repeat the tune before looking to jisung for guidance.
jisung scrunched his face, humming in discontent. he clicked and typed a few more things before trying again, only to give up halfway through with an angry sigh. "maybe if we-" seungmin tried, though was stopped immediately by jisung. "just-" he started loudly, scaring seungmin, "-just..let me think, okay?" he said a little more calmly. seungmin didn't say anything, merely leaning back in his chair to watch jisung.
he inhaled slowly, then exhaled as he stared at the computer screen. after a few minutes, seungmin finally spoke again, sensing jisungs rise in anxiety. "i think it's okay. maybe it needs a little adjustment somewhere we aren't hearing but someone else can help us figure that out." jisung rubbed his hand across his forehead and into his hair. his legs began subconsciously bouncing once more. "i don't want to bother anyone else right now." he grumbled under his breath. "i just need to figure out what i'm doing wrong."
seungmin placed a hand on jisungs shoulder, rubbing the tensed muscle. "i think it's good."
"it's not good enough!" jisung shouted, prompting seungmin to yank his hand away. "i need- it's not good, i need to-"
"jisung." seungmin whispered. jisung knew that tone. that was the tone they took with him when they knew he was getting worked up. he hated that tone most of the time. he'd grown to get used to it but it still didn't hurt less to know he was slowing them down because of his own stupidity- though anyone would argue it wasn't his fault. seungmin sighed and placed a hand on jisungs knee, effectively getting them to stop bouncing so aggressively. "maybe you just need a break?" he offered.
reluctantly, jisung agreed. he saved the progress and pushed his chair back from the table, seungmins gaze following him the whole way. jisung propped his elbow on the arm of the chair, laying his head in his palm and returning to bouncing his knees. "i'm getting minho-hyung." seungmin said, standing up. jisung looked up suddenly and grabbed seungmins wrist. "he's just right next door. he won't mind if we borrow him for five or ten minutes." jisung fought back a whimper, glancing anxiously between seungmin and the door. the last thing he wanted was to admit something was wrong. he hated to admit when his anxiety was bothering him because he felt like he was being problematic. he knew he wasn't but the second the thought happened, it stuck and lingered in his mind until someone could chase it away. that someone was usually minho. he hated that too.
"but-" jisung tried, his breath catching, "-seungmin, i can't. if he comes here-"
"he'll help you." seungmin interrupted. "better than i can help you right now."
jisung loosened his grip slightly but seungmin could still see the apprehensive look on his face. he crouched down, plucking jisungs hand from his wrist. "no one is going to make a big deal out of it." he muttered. "it's just a thing. we get it." seungmin shrugged and stood back up. "just wait here a minute." he concluded before clicking open the door and retreating to the one next to them. jisung sighed shakily in defeat and pulled his legs to cross in the office chair. his elbows both collided with his knees, his head with his hands, as he rocked gently. the door opened again not even a few seconds later and two pairs of footsteps thumped in.
"hey, sungie." minho whispered, sitting down in the chair seungmin had been in with a creak. "what's going on?" he asked. seungmin took a place on the sofa behind them, busying himself with his phone, though, jisung had a feeling he wasn't really paying that much attention to his phone. "i can't get the stupid melody right." he felt like a whining toddler. minho hummed and looked over towards the laptop, then back to jisung. "why do you think that's upsetting you?" he asked, tipping forward slightly to slide a hand over jisungs knee. jisung shrugged. saying it out loud felt like admitting he needed help. he didn't want that, as much as he knew he needed it. he straightened in his seat, flopping back against the chair and avoiding minhos eyes. "well, here-" minho used one foot to pull his own chair closer, "-how about we calm down first?" he offered.
with jisungs nod, minho let out a small 'ok' and caressed his knee. "deep breath in." he instructed, watching jisung follow even though he wasn't looking at anyone. "breath out. good." he kept his voice soft the whole time until jisung sniffled once and finally looked up. he glanced from minho to the laptop and back to the floor. "why do you think this is upsetting you, aegi?" minho asked again. jisung took another breath and picked at the leg of his pants awkwardly as he responded. "it's not good enough. i need it to be good enough because if what i make isn't good enough, i'm not good enough. i'm not doing a good enough job." seungmin finally set his phone down, looking up. he mirrored jisungs crossed leg position, leaning forward attentively. "if i'm not doing good enough and i can't make things sound right or good at all and that goes out to people, then those people-"
"will still love you." minho corrected his statement before he could even say it. "everyone has off moments. just because it feels like you can't do it now, doesn't mean that after a break, you won't be able to do it later." jisung knew he was right. he sighed and nodded. minho smiled a little and patted jisung on the knee. "how about we get lunch?"
seungmin snorted but stood up anyways. "are you buying?"
"depends. maybe if you're nice to me." minho joked.
seungmin smirked. "i love you, hyung." he said in a sweet voice.
minho sent him a glare. "do that again and i'll put you in the air fryer, kim seungmin."
both boys laughed at the banter and, after a moment, jisung managed a small, fond laugh. maybe he really did like minho, in whatever way that was. he didn't mind not knowing. he just knew that minho felt like safety and that was enough for him.
+1
he stuck to minho a lot. after initially figuring out that fact, it became more and more apparent how much he seemed to gravitate towards the elder. he'd called him his soulmate, for fuck sake, and he'd meant every word of it. however, he'd also noticed that most of their intimate moments were either on camera for show or when his anxiety was bothering him.
that didn't really make those moments not special but he found himself wanting more. any time they weren't on camera, minho didn't really act up much. he liked his personal space, jisung understood that, but jisung liked minhos personal space too. he wanted to be included in things that minho did on his own, he wanted to be with him practically all of the time. he felt so much safer and comfortable when he was with minho, it was only a matter of time until he began wanting more than just playfulness for the cameras.
which is what led to this split second decision.
they had down time. a few days where they didn't necessarily have to do anything after filming so much the days before but if you knew anything, down time is not down time. it was weird to just...have time. so most of the members tended to go and do things anyways, never really staying in one place for too long. jisung? he wasn't like that. he appreciated his time at home where he could lay down in his bed and not worry about anything. the other person who loved it probably just as much as him? minho.
minho also tended to sleep or lay around a lot on off days. jisung was aware of this fact. that was how he ended up, half asleep, trudging into minhos room. minho looked up at the opening of the door to see jisung hobble in, curled up in a blanket. "sung? i didn't know you were over here." he said, sitting up. "thought you'd be laying in bed at the other house." jisung shrugged and moved over to minhos bed, flopping down next to him. "what's wrong?" minho asked, sitting up a little straighter.
"nothing." jisung mumbled, trying to coaxing minho to lay down with him. "no, sungie, what's up? did something happen?" jisung shook his head and whined, pulling harder at minhos sleeve. minho sighed and gave in, scooting to lay down next to jisung who smiled and snuggled in close to him. minho snuck an arm around his waist. "are you feeling bad? anxious?" minho pried, trying to figure out what was wrong. jisung didn't understand. nothing was wrong, why did minho think something was wrong? he was just, here because he wanted to be. did minho think there needed to be something wrong? did he not want him there? "no?" he said, lifting into a questioning tone. "just wanted to hang out."
jisung watched minhos strained look of concern fall into a softer one, his cheeks tinted ever so slightly- so light, jisung would've missed it if he weren't laying so close. "oh, aegi." minho breathed, chuckling. "you had me worried. i thought you were hurt or upset." he rolled onto his back, pulling the bundled up jisung with him. jisung uncurled his arms to let the blanket fall over minho as well, caging them both in warmth. "but my sungie just wanted some love, hm?"
he had to pretend the 'my sungie' didn't make him want to cry happy tears. something about the way they'd transitioned from "our sungie" to just "my sungie" made his heart pound- this time, in a way he did like. he nodded and nudged his head against minhos chest lovingly. he heard the release of air under his ear as minho sighed and wrapped both of his arms around jisung. "cute." he whispered, carding his fingers through jisungs hair. "we're always together on camera." jisung spoke quietly. "i like it. i just- wanted it to be like that..here too. like this." he said, vaguely referring to how they were currently.
"you could've asked." minho hummed thoughtfully. "i know i seem like the big, scary hyung but i still love my sungie."
he had to have been doing it on purpose, jisung thought. the possessive tilt he held. he'd never called jisung like that before but he must've noticed his pleased nature with it the first time. jisung didn't know if he should be happy or embarrassed. "you're not scary." was what he'd landed on. minho hummed and turned them back to the side where they could face each other directly. jisung smiled, then his eyes flickered up to minhos forehead. he bit his lip and, swiftly, he leaned forward and placed a gentle peck on minhos head.
minho laughed at that- and possibly the blush on jisungs face when he backed away. minho leaned forward and returned the chaste kiss to jisungs forehead, watching the youngers face light up with pure joy. "i'm tired." minho mumbled, blinking sleepily. "or maybe you're just warm and comfortable."
jisungs heart jumped. "maybe you should sleep then."
minho opened his eyes to look at jisung lovingly before shifting forward under the blanket so they were closer together. his arm slid back into its place around jisungs waist while he nudged jisungs leg to wrap around his. content with the position, he exhaled. "we'll take a nap." he decided as jisung stared at him, starstruck. "then, we'll do something else later so sungie will know that-" minho inhaled, "-hyung loves him." and jisung swore he'd never be more okay than he was in that moment.