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Bellamy misses her. Damn, he really misses her.
He doesn’t realise how much he misses her until a few weeks had passed. He’s hunting with Miller, Monroe and Jasper, who hasn’t smiled since Maya died. Monroe is joking with Miller and Jasper walks silently on Bellamy’s left, when they see it. A deer. They haven’t seen one since those first days on the ground and, without a second thought, they start to chase it. They chase it for hours until the lose it and they get lost. Anyone would have thought that they knew the woods like the palm of their hand but well, it turns out they don’t. And, because things just couldn’t get worse, it starts to rain. So they run, looking for some kind of shelter, and Miller trips and falls in the clumsiest way Bellamy has ever seen, and instead of helping him get up, Jasper laughs. He laughs so hard that he’s gasping for air and Monroe quickly starts laughing too. Miller is still on the floor looking shocked but Bellamy sees that he’s happy to see Jasper smiling again. Even Bellamy can’t help but smirk a little while he helps Miller and tells the other two to hurry up to camp before they catch a cold or something. He’s still smiling when they get to camp, soaking wet, and see Monty with a worried expression on his face. Bellamy’s about to ask him if Clarke was worried too but then he realises, Clarke is gone.
From that moment, days get a little harder. He actually starts realising that she’s not there by his side. Not when they go hunting; not when he helps Monty with the chores, not when he sees Octavia sneaking out to see Lincoln after curfew.
What’s left of those original 100 that got to the ground stick together. What else can they do? They’re still being treated like useless kids, everything that happened in Mount Weather seems to have been forgotten. None of them blame Bellamy or Clarke on what happened there, not even Jasper. They don’t talk about that much, those are not good memories. All of them (and Lincoln, Raven and even Wick because, let’s be honest, they couldn’t have survived without them) sit together by the fire at night before they go to sleep, just to remember those who aren’t there anymore. They sneak out to each other’s tents when they have nightmares, just like Bellamy did when Clarke used to scream in the middle of the night. When Abby asks them where they picked up that habit their answer is always the same: Bellamy and Clarke did it, and it works.
He starts looking for her in every corner, in all those little moments of happiness that she is actually missing. But of course she is not there and Bellamy goes to bed every night thinking that this could actually be the night she comes back. There are some nights that he practically begs to see her cross the entrance of his tent and get in his bed saying she just had a nightmare.
Nobody asks him if he misses her, they just assume that he does. Some people look at him like he had lost part of him. When he asked them why they thought that they simply answered that, when they had a problem, they always looked for Bellamy and Clarke, not just one of them.
Abby looks at him like it’s his fault. Bellamy thinks she’s right. He should have stopped her. So, when Abby gets particularly mad and starts yelling at him saying that it should have been him or that he should be dead, he doesn’t say anything. He should have gone with her. He should have died inside that stupid mountain to save their lives. He should have killed Lexa when he had the chance. He has been thinking about it. It’s actually Lexa’s fault. If she hadn’t abandoned Clarke she would still be by his side. But when he tells Octavia what he thinks the look on her face is enough to know that he’s being selfish and he just needs someone to blame.
He feels like it’s easier to handle when he thinks as someone else as the enemy. Because Bellamy’s worst enemy is himself. He’s the only one to blame when he lies awake all night thinking of a million things he could have done to stop her, because that’s the whole point. He’s lost without her. He needs her and she knows it. But she still left. And he doesn’t know how to cope with that.
He sometimes dreams about her. Sometimes she appears in his nightmares, laying on a stretcher back in that damn mountain being tortured while he’s chained to the walls, unable to help her. Sometimes he dreams that nothing happened and she’s actually there arguing with him because fuck, Bellamy can’t we agree on something just once? And he just laughs because making her mad is so easy. Some nights he doesn’t dream at all and, god, he’s thankful for those nights.
He wants to run away. He wants to look for her. But he can’t abandon his sister and his friends. He knows they would want to go with him. Abby would never let them, she’s so much like Clarke for those things. It’s too dangerous. So all Bellamy can do is sit with his friends and pretend he doesn’t miss her so much it hurts, hoping one day she would appear inside his tent looking for him with the bluest eyes he has ever seen, smiling.
But this is not that night and Bellamy groans as he gets into bed and whispers.
May we meet again.