Chapter Text
To no one’s surprise, it was technically Amanda’s fault.
At least, that was Diana’s story and she was sticking to it.
It began innocuously enough. A cup of tea to a girlfriend in need, a “thanks Diana!” met with “always welcome, darling,” and a stray comment from someone with more stray comments than alleys had cats.
“Seriously, you know you don’t gotta flirt like a Victorian lesbian all the time, right?” Amanda complained, stretching back on the grass.
“I’m hardly quite so old fashioned,” Diana said, handing Akko a sandwich.
“Oh darling,” Amanda began in the worst British accent imaginable, clutching a hand to her heart, “I’ve brought you your tea and crumpets, pray depart before your father discovers our scandalous liaisons, I shall treasure your letters eternally.”
Akko giggled, taking a bite of her pickled plum sandwich. Diana had learned early on not to question Akko’s peculiar tastes, particularly given they stretched to obstinate blonde witches with a penchant for poor first impressions.
“Of course you would be so uncultured as to believe that drivel qualifies as a Victorian romance.” Diana sniffed, taking a sip of her own tea.
“Well sorry for not being so repressed that I spent my entire childhood reading two hundred year old het books and pretending I was the dashing suitor,” Amanda sniped back with a grin. “Was too busy, y’know, actually kissing girls.”
“I dunno, pretty bold words for someone who’s been single for over a year.” Akko kissed Diana's cheek for emphasis.
“Et tu, Akko?” Amanda clutched her heart again.
“And more to the point,” Diana interrupted, “if I were to actually attempt to seduce my darling girlfriend in the style of the classics which you speak…”
Diana set her tea down with a clink.
Akko looked at her like a mouse in a snake’s eyes, half a bite of sandwich still in her mouth.
“Akko…” Diana’s voice lowered as she clasped Akko’s hands, gazing reverently at her. “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed.” She pressed closer, so near that it was almost like she could feel the thrumming of Akko’s heart, sparking through the air between them.
“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Diana raised Akko’s hand, pressing a feather-light kiss to her knuckles.
Silence rang out.
Akko opened her mouth.
A high-pitched squeak emerged.
She shut her mouth.
She fell backwards onto the grass.
Diana raised her tea back to her lips with a satisfied smile.
The escalation was swift, and it was merciless.
Akko awoke the next morning to a red rose, freshly picked from the school gardens. Diana had insisted on opening and holding the door for her into a particularly bemused Professor Badcock’s classroom. A puddle that Akko had been about to carelessly tread into had been swiftly covered by Diana’s cloak.
A conjured one, obviously. There was such a thing as going too far.
For dinner, Diana met Akko at her room with a flourishing bow, some suitably fancy salutations, and an offer to escort her beloved to her meal. Which she proceeded to do with perfect posture, the furiously blushing Akko’s arm daintily tucked in the crook of Diana’s gallantly offered elbow.
Sure, a few people stared. More than a few actually. But what did it matter? They weren’t dating the single most wonderful girl beneath the stars.
That was a good line actually, she’d have to remember it for her next greeting.
Honestly, Diana hadn’t been expecting the hardest part of all this to be narrowing down the sheer wealth of options for turning Akko into a blushing, stuttering mess.
Sometimes, it was truly wonderful being Diana Cavendish. And ever since a certain someone barged their way into her life, those times had only increased a hundredfold. In that light, showing her appreciation was really the least Diana could do.
Before it happened, it had been a perfectly normal lunch. Well, as perfectly normal as lunch could be when Akko was beckoned into her chair by an overdramatic bow and some even more overdramatic words from Diana Cavendish, but that aside, normal. Mostly.
Then it happened.
Truth be told, no one aside from Diana even recognised that it was even “it” to begin with. Akko had simply brushed a few crumbs from her lips, then dropped her napkin back into her lap.
Diana was by her side immediately, inconsolable.
“Akko?” Diana clutched Akko’s hand, tears coming to her eyes. “Akko, I beg of you, tell me what I might do to set this right!”
“Wha—”
“Whatever sin I have committed to have caused such a turnaround in your feelings towards me, I apologise for unreservedly.” Diana lowered her head, placing Akko’s knuckles between her eyes. “I swear I will make this right.
“I— Uh— Aii!” Akko blubbered, her face slowly heating up.
Amanda sighed theatrically. “Let me guess, our favourite Disaster Bi just accidentally broke up with Diana in secret Victorian Flirting Code. Again.”
“Yyyup.” Hannah deadpanned next to her.
“Anyone wanna place their bets on what it was this time?” Amanda looked around the table.
“Yesterday it was fanning herself too fast,” Lotte said, eyes widening. “Even I’d never heard of that one.”
Diana sniffed. “All ladies of proper etiquette would be fully aware that dropping a handkerchief can only be a sign that one is desirous of friendship, not romance!”
Dead silence rang out.
“Yeah I’m out.” Sucy stood up with half her lunch still unfinished.
“Are you for real—” Amanda started, interrupted by barked laughter from Hannah and Barbara to her side.
“Akko, while I have treasured your friendship since the very day it was offered to me, I wish to assure you that my intentions towards you can be described as nothing short of…” Diana let the dramatic pause linger. “Amorous.”
Akko turned bright red. “YeahmetooIlikeyoualotdatingyouisamazingwhyareyoudoingthisbutpleasedon’tstopit’ssohotaaaaa.”
In the distance, the sound of Sucy retching could vaguely be made out over the laughter.
“Do you think you might be overdoing it? Just a little?” Barbara asked, peeking around the bookcase cautiously.
Diana glanced up, placing her quill into the stopper by the flickering candlelight, the fresh ink glistening on her painstakingly drafted love-letter to Akko. “I fail to see what you mean?”
“Diana, I don’t think Akko’s been able to say more than like, three words straight for days,” Hannah agreed.
“She’s been able to say a lot of words gay, though,” Barbara snickered.
“Yeah but mostly like, Bluh? Wha!? Aieeee!!!” Hannah’s voice pitched up as she mimicked Akko’s panicked squeals.
Diana rolled her eyes. “It’s all in good fun, girls. I’m sure Akko would inform me if she found my antics bothersome.”
“Pretty sure the only thing she finds bothersome is that she might forget to breathe for so long that she actually dies,” Hannah pointed out.
“Poor Akko, slipping away to an early grave with a smile on her face,” Barbara lamented.
“Her last will and testament.” Hannah cleared her throat, affecting as sombre a tone as she could. “So worth it.”
Even Diana snorted at that one. “Alright, you’ve made your point. I maintain that my darling girlfriend is clearly enjoying my, ah, performance, so I see no reason to cease.”
They stared at her. “So you’re telling us you’re gonna do that fancy escorting thing for every meal?”
“Until Akko tires of it, yes,” Diana confirmed.
“That doesn’t seem, I dunno, excessive to you?” Hannah asked.
Diana paused. “Hm, you might have a point there.”
“Finally—”
“Naturally, I need to bring Akko to a venue better suited to such displays of affection!” Diana declared. “Thank you for the assistance, girls. I shall make a booking for Akko and I at a local establishment for the coming weekend on the morrow.”
Hannah’s head hit the bookshelf.
“Careful,” Diana chided, “those are quite old.”
“I mean you would know, Miss Party Like It’s Eighteen Ninety Nine,” Hannah shot back.
Diana chuckled good-naturedly at the ribbing. It was surprising how quickly she’d become accustomed to it. Amazing, really, how a few small changes in bearing and outlook could have such a cascade effect on so many of her relationships. Actually, it wasn’t all that surprising, when Diana thought about it. Akko just had that effect on people, no matter how fleeting the interaction. No, what was really surprising, was the fact she was about to ask her roommates for dating advice.
“Girls, I don’t suppose you’d mind assisting me with a particular matter?” Diana began, unusually timid.
“Of course, Diana!” they both chorused immediately.
…Alright, maybe some things never changed.
Diana cleared her throat. “I would like your help in selecting a suitable venue for our weekend outing. Our previous dates have been… somewhat outside of Akko’s comfort zone.” Which was Cavendishese for, ‘It’s been nearly three weeks and I still haven’t forgiven myself for how uncomfortable Akko looked at that fancy Italian place in town.’
Both perked up immediately. “Sure!” Barbara said. “What kinda price range you thinking? Like nice but not too nice?”
“It’s Akko,” Hannah pointed out, “just go to McDonald’s.”
Barbara burst out laughing. Diana shot her a glare. “I thought we’d been clear about not talking down on—”
“I’m not! I’m not!” Hannah said, stifling her giggles. “I’m just trying to imagine you in some ridiculously fancy Victorian suit or dress or whatever the hell trying to order two Happy Meals.”
Diana burst out laughing that time, joining in with Barbara’s cackles and the giggle fit that had fully overtaken Hannah. Diana affixed her posture. “Waiter, two of your absolute Happiest Meals for myself and the young lady,” she said, in a tone that would make Daryl snap to attention. “With extra pickles.”
Hannah and Barbara collapsed against each other, clutching one another’s sides amidst howls of laughter. “Oh my god I was joking but please do it now—”
“Take videos you have to—”
Diana smiled gently. “Perhaps another time. It would be very funny.”
“It’s unfair,” Barbara started, “we worshipped you for years, then after we finally stop, it turns out you’re hilarious as well?” She shook her head sadly. “Cosmic injustice, really.”
They did actually help her find a good restaurant. Eventually.
Diana stood, gazing at the letter upon her desk with the utmost gravitas.
All was in order, of course. The finest ink upon the finest parchment, sealed with the finest wax and stamped with the Cavendish family crest to ensure its absolute authenticity.
Now all that remained was the important matter of the stamp.
Diana’s impassive gaze flicked between her options. Upside down, diagonally on the left? “Your love delights me.” Certainly true, and a perfect description of Diana’s feelings towards Akko. However, there was always the option of sideways, across the middle of the envelope. “When shall I see you next?” A pressing question, to be sure, but did Diana want to seem overeager? Perhaps it would be best simply to go with the classic right-way-up on the left. “I love you.”
And that she did.
With her mind made up, Diana applied the stamp, and headed out into the quiet of Luna Nova’s halls in the early morning.
It didn’t take her long to find one of the fae staff. After the prerequisite minute or so to let him finish up his work, then pretend not to notice the aristocrat, he finally turned his gaze to her. “Whaddaya want?”
“I would like for you to deliver a letter for me,” Diana said, proffering the letter.
A snort and a raised eyebrow. “Aye right, do I look like your personal bloody postman—”
“It’s for Akko.”
“—And would you like that delivery signed for, then?” he asked sweetly.
Diana shook her head with a small laugh. “Just let me know that she receives it in good time, if that’s alright.”
The goblin tipped his hat, accepting the letter. “A pleasure, Miss Cavendish.”
“Likewise, Geoffrey.” Diana inclined her own head.
He snickered. “The aristocrat knows my name? Oh I am honoured.”
Diana fought the urge to roll her eyes, affecting a stiff posture that made even her usual aristocratic bearing look positively lax. “If you would be so kind as to deliver that letter to my beloved post-haste, my good man,” she asked, in a tone that would have made any etiquette coach in England weep with joy.
Geoffrey guffawed, clutching the letter to his stomach as he laughed. “Ah man, I’ll never get tired of that bit.”
A small smile played at the corner of Diana’s lips. “I think I’m beginning to rather enjoy it myself.”
Geoffrey was halfway down the hall, before he stopped, and turned back to Diana.“Here, did you spray your bloody perfume on this!?”
Diana opted to remain in character, and continued walking away in complete silence.
Akko held the letter in her hand with delicate care, as if it were some kind of cross between the most fragile glass ornament and a bomb primed to annihilate all she knew dear with one wrong move.
Although if she was being entirely honest, at least a bomb’s mechanisms might be easier to understand than whatever the hell this was.
“Dearest Akko. Since our last auspicious encounter, my heart has been ablaze with naught else but the ephemeral reminiscence of your tender countenance. I pray this missive finds the arbitress of all my delight in pleasant health and favourable disposition, for I have a proposal most unworthy of her infinite virtue.”
Dragon script would have been easier! Didn’t Diana know English was her second language!? Han-sensei’s vocabulary class had not prepared Akko for figuring out what the hell an “arbitress” was.
Akko tried to read through the rest of it, but was distracted from the herculean effort of decoding the triple - or was it quadruple? - negatives of, “I dare not flatter my most unworthy self to hope that I will be not altogether unsuccessful in my humble proposition,” by the fact that, for some reason, her room smelled really nice and kept reminding her of Diana. Which was not helping!
And what the heck was “an afternoon’s repast!?”
Akko’s head landed on the desk with a groan. The worst part? It was still so hot. Even amidst Amanda’s taunting, Sucy’s fake-vomiting, and Akko’s own complete inability to remain even slightly coherent, getting to see Diana be so bombastic and romantic and silly was all so worth it. Akko would endure any amount of embarrassment if it meant getting to see the little contented smile Diana made to herself when her latest Dashing Gentlewoman Maneuver paid off.
…And maybe Akko was kinda enjoying it too. Just a little. She was only human, OK!? What, was she supposed to not get butterflies when her ridiculously hot girlfriend gave her a kiss on her knuckles and called her “my beloved Akko”!?
A polite but slightly too loud cough interrupted Akko’s simpi— her pleasant thoughts about Diana.
“I believe Her Aristocraticness is respecting a response,” Geoffrey said meaningfully.
“Ack!” Akko jumped up, speed-reading the rest of the letter as best she could. “My inconsolable grief at our absence—” OK what else, “Scenes of ideal bliss when in your joyous company—” Dammit Diana! What was this letter actually asking? “Anxiously awaiting your reply, that I might partake of a gentle refection in the glow of your presence. I remain, dearest Akko, yours sincerely.”
What the hell was she meant to say to this!? She’d need like three days and an advanced dictionary just to interpret this thing! OK, stop and think. Honestly, anything Diana was requesting was probably something Akko would wanna do, even if she might die of gay overload during the process. Well, anything short of marriage, probably, but that was unlikely to be what Diana was asking. Besides, could you even get married at seventeen in England? Wait, what if she was asking to—
Steam shot out of Akko’s ears. Alright, no thinking about that! She probably just wanted something like a nice afternoon picnic by the lake again! Perhaps they’d even hold hands! Akko snickered. Now wouldn’t that be truly scandalous.
Dammit Akko, get back on track! Akko glanced up furtively. “Hey Geoffrey, do you know what, uh,” she glanced down at the page, “refection means?”
Wait crap what if she’d just let Geoffrey know about something that did mean that thing that made Akko want to go have a three hour cold shower—
“Oh, means meal,” he said. “Like, y’know, lunch.”
A long pause.
“You mean she wrote all this crap just to ask me to lunch!?” Akko screamed.
Geoffrey shrugged. “You’re the one who chose to date an aristocrat, comrade.”
Akko sighed, sitting back down and reaching for a pen. “Her fault for being so perfect and dateable.”
Diana wandered through Luna Nova’s extensive gardens, taking care to avoid the patches that Professor Lukic or Sucy had any involvement with. Of course, Diana did have a rough idea of what flowers grew here, but that just made the wealth of options all the more difficult.
Should she give her a gladiolus? Sincerity was certainly a quality Akko had aplenty, along with faithfulness and strength of character. A worthy compliment, but somewhat lacking in, well, romance.
A delphinium might suit better for that. A little cliche, but no more than the rose she had already sent. And they did represent Akko’s cheery nature well.
Perhaps a tulip—
“Oi, Your Highness.”
Diana sighed, turning away from her contemplation of blooms to the smirking face of a goblin. “I trust my letter found her well?”
“Aye indeed,” Geoffrey said, reaching into his coat pocket, “and your reply, madam.”
He offered it with a flourishing bow.
Diana raised a single torn off sheet of A5 notebook paper that read simply:
“Yeah! Sounds great!”
Diana clutched it to her chest, feeling the warmth bubble in her heart.
“Good evening, Anna.” Diana smiled warmly into her crystal ball. “And thank you again for your assistance with this matter, you’ve been truly invaluable.”
Anna nodded, a light smile on her lips. “You’re most welcome. Especially with a matter that is bringing such a fond smile to your face, Lady Cavendish.”
Not quite Lady yet, but Diana had given up arguing that point. And besides, it did rather fit the current game. “And the items I requested will all be here before our weekend outing, I hope?”
“They shall indeed, I even had the clothing pressed and steamed before it was sent,” Anna said. “Although, if it is not overstepping my boundaries to say so.” She leaned a little closer. “My lady. The last item on the list. Are you entirely certain—”
“Absolutely.” Diana said. “I would be terribly remiss if I were to fall even one iota short of offering my beloved the finest courting experience a Cavendish could muster.”
“Well,” Anna said, “if you’re sure…”
Marcus set the plates of sandwiches between the couple, smiling at each of them before he turned to head back behind the counter. He glanced at the clock.
11:54.
If he was being entirely honest he was… somewhat curious. He prided himself on a booming business, but it wasn’t often someone went to the effort of booking a table days in advance for lunch hours at his cafe.
Never mind that it had been arranged by physical letter. Written with ink-and-quill. Sealed with wax. Stamped with a fine insignia. Delivered by raven.
Five minutes until the supposed time of arrival. Marcus was honestly surprised that “Lady Cavendish and the young lady she is courting (who prefers extra pickles, thank you very much),” weren’t the type to arrive at least ten minutes in advance.
That was when he noticed that half of the customers were staring out the window.
A loud clicking sound approached.
Marcus craned his neck, not quite curious enough to leave his spot behind the counter as more and more of his clientele turned to stare towards the source of the repeated clicking.
No, not a clicking, something more solid. There was a sense of weight to the rhythmic sound. Less a clicking, more a… clopping of hooves on stone.
Surely not.
“Our destination is at hand, my dear. Fear not, I will offer you every assistance in dismounting.”
“I’m gonna die.”
“Balderdash. I assure you you could not be in safer hands… darling.”
“I’m gonna die!”
Marcus fought every instinct in his body to keep his jaw from hitting the floor, as a white horse came into view, two riders upon its back.
One was dressed in a reasonably cutesy cardigan-shirt-skirt combo, and the other in about as far from a reasonable outfit as could be physically possible. Marcus hadn’t even known you could have that many ruffles on a shirt. Especially when you were wearing a fully tailored suit over the top of it, along with smart riding trousers.
Maybe witches really were as old fashioned as everyone said.
Actually, wait a sec. That other girl was the one who’d done the magic skeleton thing in the town centre a few months back, wasn’t she?
Marcus laughed aloud. In any other circumstance, that would have turned at least a few heads of his customers. As it was, not an eye didn’t remain glued to the furiously blushing girl being helped off the horse — horse! — by her gentlewoman date.
Marcus suddenly felt a pang of sympathy for everyone who wasn’t on shift today.
“Hey, Diana?” Akko said, taking a pause from her comically oversized burger, which she was trying (and failing) to eat with her hands.
Diana glanced up from cutting into her sandwich with her knife and fork. “Yes, darling?”
“Thanks for this.” Akko smiled. “I was worried you were gonna take me to some five star place where I don’t know any of the food, but this place is great!” She took another bite of her not-quite-gimmick burger for emphasis.
Diana nodded. The cafe was ideal, quiet and refined enough for Diana’s tastes, but with a casual air to the atmosphere (and the menu) that Akko clearly appreciated. She’d have to thank Hannah and Barbara later. “I’m not quite so boorish as to neglect your preferences for the sake of my own, love.”
“I know! And I appreciate you!” Akko smiled. “Almost as much as I appreciate not having to read a whole menu in French or something,” she said with a giggle.
“Given your skill with languages, I’m sure you would have managed perfectly capably, ma chérie.” Diana said, offering a small smile before sipping her tea.
Akko flushed, disappearing behind her burger for a moment, before setting it down, a determined set to her shoulders as she gazed at her. “Je t’aime, Diana.”
Diana’s posture stiffened somehow further. Oh. Was she trying to play the game too?
How adorable.
Diana set her tea down and leaned closer, staring deep into Akko’s eyes. She reached out her hand, grasping Akko’s across the table and running her thumb along her knuckles. “Je t’adore de tout mon coeur, Akko Kagari. Tu es l’amour de ma vie.” She raised Akko’s hand to her lips, pressing a feather-soft kiss. “Ton sourire, j'en rêve jour et nuit.”
Akko froze, before letting out a shriek that turned almost as many heads as their dramatic entrance had. Her bright red face smacked into the table, only her half-ponytail visible flopping up above her ridiculous burger. “Tu es cruelle, Diana.”
“C’est la vie.” Diana sipped her tea.
That was it. This had all gone too far.
Sure, it’s not like Akko was any stranger to making a mildly embarrassing public spectacle of herself, but it had been over a week now without her getting the upper hand over Diana in whatever this ridiculous game was even once!
This left her with precious few options. There were only two ways out of this mess, as Akko saw it. The first was, of course, to ask Diana to tone it down a little with trying to send Akko to an early grave via repeated gay heart attack.
Naturally, this option was discarded immediately. Death first.
Which left only one other approach, escalation.
The concept was simple, really. If Diana was going to flirt with Akko like a Victorian romance, then it only made sense for Akko to respond with her favourite form of romance literature.
Classic yuri manga.
Preparation was everything. Volumes were hauled out from the depths of Akko’s travel bag, the stash beneath her bed was plundered, and she even asked Lotte to give her back that one she’d lent her with the gay vampires.
For what might have been the first time in her entire life, Akko burned the midnight oil studying her books. Heh, maybe if more of her textbooks featured girls kissing (or not actually kissing just having a ton of bloody subtext for like twelve volumes god dammit) she might do this more often.
Akko was ready. Every series she read gave her fresh ideas, every volume a new technique, every chapter granted a new weapon in her arsenal against the bane and blessing of her existence.
And there could only ever be one choice when it came to beginning her counter-offensive.
Akko laid her bait perfectly, standing in the shade of a blossoming tree in the courtyard. Not a sakura, sadly, but painful adaptations were an unfortunate necessity for a western audience. What mattered was the execution.
Diana approached, flowers in hand, arriving from just the right angle to mean that her back would be against the tree when she arrived.
Akko fought to hide her smirk. It was all going exactly according to plan.
“Good afternoon, my darling.” Diana began, joining Akko beneath the blooming petals. “I do hope the day finds you—”
In a single motion, Akko stepped in front of Diana. Diana’s eyes widened, falling back flush against the tree as Akko’s hand smacked powerfully against it, leaning right into Diana’s space in what could only be described as a picture perfect kabedon.
Akko let the moment linger, let the beating of Diana’s heart fill the silence, before raising her eyes to smirk into Diana’s own.
“Hey, Diana.”
