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Amidst the loud chatter in your hideout, you couldn't hear them. You didn't hear a single utter of a word, but the pounding of your heart.
What am I so afraid of? You asked yourself, it was foolish to think or even feel like that. You signed up for this on your own accord.
"Major General, L/N."
The deep voice belonging to no other man but the Colonel himself, Goshiki Tsutomu. You have to admit, he looks very handsome this fine afternoon.
"Forgive me for the somewhat absence of formality in my question, as you are of a much higher rank as I, but are you okay, Major General?"
Major General this, Major General that. Just call me Y/N, at most, L/N.
"Ah, don't worry too much. I am feeling all right. What about you, Colonel?"
Your gaze on him made him nervous, his cheeks growing red before nervously saying, "I'm great, Major General! Just great!" His cheeks seem to grow red ever millisecond that passed. You didn't want to assume, so you inched your face closer to his, not realizing what you are doing.
"M-Major General...?"
"Ah! Sorry, sorry. I thought your face was red, so I thought..-"
"Colonel, Major General. You two seem to be in great spirits today, despite the fact that we may be partaking in a war today, maybe in a few minutes, or hours. Maybe things are happening as we speak?" A brief salute,
"Lieutenant General!" As required, the two of you saluted to the redhead male, Tendou Satori. He stands at a rank higher than you, yet weirdly, he acts all casual towards everyone.
He only smiles before slinging arms around the two of you's shoulders, standing in the middle of you and the Colonel, leading the two of you on a walk around the base.
"I'll drop formalities just this once, so don't snitch on me to the other Generals, okay? But you two seem to be a little closer lately, are you two, perhaps, dating?" That notorious grin and raise of an eyebrow plastered on the Lieutenant General's face.
The corners of his lips widened even more when he witnesses two high ranked officers trying their best to avoid the question. Despite the fact that you two were not actually romantically involved, the Lieutenant General still sensed that you two had feelings for each other.
"We may be in the army, but feelings aren't prohibited. At least, not to ourselves. Well, let's give it our best and finally end this stupid war, it's getting tiring, honestly. Remember to live!"
He dropped his arms and left the Colonel and you standing in front of a lake nearby the base, while he went back to do whatever.
What a weird guy, you thought. Who says, "remember to live" in such a casual tone?
Lieutenant General, Tendou Satori, is sure a weird man who lives up to his nicknames. Even so, he's a good guy. "The Lieutenant General sure is weird." You said, looking back at the male who strolled so casually with hands behind his head, as if he were just a normal civilian in a room full of other civilians.
Turning to your side, you see that the Colonel only nods.
Standing beside the male, it felt calm. However, you were still worried. It was calm, yes, but have you forgotten where you stood? You stood in front of a dazzling river that situated a few meters exactly North from the base.
Taking in a deep breath, you wanted to say a few things to the Colonel. Personal things, you thought that it was an appropriate time as you were to partake in battle in a while, maybe even in a few minutes, so you thought it was the right time.
"Colonel, I–"
"IT HAS BEGUN!!!" Nothing else echoed throughout your ears but the pounding of your heart.
It took a while for your little head to process anything, but your heart pounded and hurt with the pain of knowing that you will lose people you care for in a while. Some might even die the moment they step foot in the battlefield. You even thought of ways on how you could fight literally alongside the Colonel to protect him, but that would be stupid, no?
You're a Major General who was put to see combat. One of the highest ranking officers in battle, one that everyone who will partake in this final war counted on. Were you really prioritizing a man you have personal feelings for, rather than the freedom and safety of your country?
Suddenly, all trains of arbitrary thought came to an end when the Colonel had a death grip on your shoulder. "Major General, please hurry!"
It was like a slap to return back to reality. There was no time to think about feelings and love, and whatnot anymore. There was only one thing you needed to do; bloodying your hands to fight for your country.
However, that's easier said than done.
You hurriedly prepared yourself, but you were nowhere near the Colonel's level. He was prepared; you were not. The Colonel had kept his solemn promise, but you took yours for granted. In forever, you were the only General to have been put in the battlefield. You were to command there as well, since it seemed to have been a better choice in the eyes of the generals above you.
You were scared because of the fact that you took your position of Major General for granted. Generals are able to see combat and you happen to be that general.
Looking at the Colonel, there was nothing about him that could lose to you. Neither rank nor skill, if one did not have the courage and willingness in the military, what were you doing there anyway? That's the difference between you and him.
This could be the last time you will ever see anyone. All the people you care for could die today, especially the Colonel. But, all you can do is hope for the best.
It is not appropriate to address the Colonel as his name, but just this once as nobody is listening, Goshiki, please stay safe.
For a brief moment, you took out the simple Rose Quartz necklace Goshiki had given to you as a birthday gift last year. He said it was for good luck, so now, as you began running with your division, you held it tight in your fist, leaving a kiss on it whilst muttering prayers for safety and good luck, before hiding it below your uniform.
–
Guns firing were the only things heard that night. Nothing more than those, bombs, yelling, and crying engulfed the battlefield. It was painful to hear and to watch, and, you could barely walk anymore.
Your right leg had been shot twice, it's a miracle you're still even able to drag it. Not only that, you lost your forearm and a lot of blood due to the limb that got cut off.
You felt dizzy, it was hot, you were sweating, you smelled like gun powder and dust. And, most importantly, you were longing for someone's touch, the ones that were not rightfully yours to begin with.
"Colonel... Goshiki..." You could barely whisper as you drag your feet towards a hiding spot at that building in ruins, yet high and covered enough to be safe for you, in the meantime. You dragged your bleeding body up the bloody stairs, you didn't care whose they were, as long as you could finally rest.
Rest, you mean die.
There is no way you'll be able to survive the two bullets you received in your leg, the lost forearm, and loss of blood. It has been a few hours since then and while you're on the brink of death, being a literal half-dead corpse, you still continued to walk to safety despite the opportunities shown to you of dying on the ground right then and there on the battlefield.
What drove you to this point? This definitely is not like you, you were not one to push yourself this far, yet you did.
"I've... lived a good... life. Despite... dirtying my hands with... with... blood."
You've lost your mind already. You've been talking to yourself non-stop since last night and honestly, you didn't even care anymore.
Had this fight been over sooner...
"What?" You asked, but you were probably hearing and seeing things. Screws up there were loosening and about to fall off if you don't keep yourself together.
However, you can't say that. You've lost half an arm, so you can't exactly tell yourself to keep yourself together.
"What a joke."
Your breathing was labored, but you kept walking upstairs until you found someone.
"It's... you...!"
With the last few ounces of strength left in your body, you ran up a few more steps to finally drop down right beside the Colonel, no, Goshiki.
"Maj... Major... general!" That sorrowful look on his face washed away as soon as he saw your figure, "L/N-san!" His eyes closed, his face was dirty, he was full of blood, he took a lot of bullets as well.
A smile plastered on his face. A beautiful smile, at that, despite where the two of you stand.
"L/N-san... before I go... I want to tell you that I loved you... no, I still very much do...! However, I can't... I can't go on anymore. Please... live for me."
His whole body trembled just trying to lift his arm to cup the side of your face with his one hand. "No! Don't say that, Goshiki!"
At the moment, you had forgotten your positions and the battlefield to embrace him at an inappropriate time. His arms wrapped around your waist as he burries his face in your neck.
"I love you, L/N-san."
Your heart pounding was the only thing you heard as you tightly hold on to the male who at almost lifelessly against the wall.
Please, don't die yet.
–
"Be careful out there with your arm, you're not used to prosthetics yet, so it's best you don't use your right arm for anything just yet." After, the nurse bid a farewell with a smile as you left to walk around the celebrating city with Lieutenant– no, Tendou.
"How are you doing, Y/N?" A pleasant smile adorned his face, slightly nudging his arm for you to take it as you were now about to walk through a crowd and Tendou being Tendou, he didn't want you to deal with any bumps, especially since you've just lost an arm.
"I'm doing fine, I think."
He raised an eyebrow, "You think?"
You didn't respond any further, now feeling your eyes start to well up in tears threatening to fall. Your throat and nose started to tingle and hurt, but you pinched yourself, trying not to cry. Especially in front of a crowd and the Lieutenant General himself, even though you were "prohibited" to call him as such.
"You can cry, it's all right. If someone looked at you weirdly for crying in front of a crowd, in the middle of the day, I'll kick their asses for you!" He punched the air with his right arm, before looking back at you with a smile.
"Thanks, Tendou. But I think I'll save it for later. I don't want to spoil the joyous atmosphere with my worthless tears–"
"Are you happy?" He cut you off to ask a question. It took some time to finally respond, but, "I'm not sure, I'm quite lost at the moment."
"That's understandable. Despite our ranks in the military, we're still fairly young. We're almost two decades early to even be generals, and yet we are. We've went to war, as well."
You only nodded, unsure on what to say because even if you spoke, it wouldn't be useful nor will it ease the tension.
"May I ask again?"
"Ask what again, Tendou?"
"Are you happy? That we won the war? Also, what do you think of the people celebrating here right now?"
That's quite the question there, you thought. "I feel like... if I hadn't joined the military, I would be happy about the war. I'm unsure what to feel about it because I've killed, and people are justifying that. It... makes me feel like a criminal."
You were about to ramble just now, but you stopped, knowing it will lead to a different topic.
"I... second that." You glanced at the redhead before returning your gaze back forward,
"It's what I signed up for, so I shouldn't really be complaining. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later." Your eyes downcast as you bit your lip, thinking the pain would put a pause on the pain you feel inside.
"Even so, don't force yourself to take it like it's an everyday thing. I'm sure that with time, you can heal." You could only nod once more.
"Thank you, Tendou. But I'll take it from here." You unlinked your arms from him and began walking to the opposite direction, even though you were supposed to line up along the other generals, Tendou decided he should let you off this once.
Walking alone back to your apartment sure was lonely. It has always been you and just you alone everyday, so it never really mattered, but now, it did. It felt like you had lost a piece of yourself, and it's itchy for some reason because, you want to bring that piece back, but you can't.
Because he's no longer in this world.
Were you even able to tell him you loved him? Did Goshiki die on the battlefield, saying his last words being, "I love you, L/N-san," and you couldn't even respond to it?
"I love you more, Goshiki," would've been something you wanted to say, but were you able to? You forgot. Ever since then, all your memories regarding the war had been fuzzy.
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon but it felt more gloomy. The whole country was celebrating, but you couldn't see the world in colours anymore.
You're not sure when it was, but Goshiki had become your source of happiness. Even just a simple lunch with him brought a smile to your face. But now, he's not here to even accompany you anywhere.
Finally arriving back inside your home, you sat down by the window, taking in the majestic view from your floor to the town and the sea.
If he had survived, you would have definitely ditched the celebration to drag him by this window and shove his face just to make him see that view you're still blessed to be able to see. You would have taken another step further and did something about these feelings you still hold dearly for him, but,
"Maybe next time, Goshiki."
I love you.