Work Text:
"Armin!"
"Armin! Come out!"
"Armin! What's wrong?! Come on out!"
" Please! Tell us what's wrong!"
"Why are you hiding in the barracks?!”
He sat as still as he possibly could; in a supply closet tucked away at the end of the room. The concerned shouting of Connie, Mikasa, Jean, Hange, and Levi making everything worse. The tears kept falling as he felt that he didn't deserve them. A small sob slipped and he heard Connie's voice as the door slowly crept open.
"Armin! Guys, I found him!"
They all rushed into the room to find him curled up in a sitting position on the floor tucked away behind some brooms, he hadn't brought his head up to look at them, he couldn't bear it. Silently weeping harder, squeezing himself a little tighter
"Armin, what's wrong!? Why are you here?! Are you hurt?! What's going on?!" Mikasa fell on her knees in front of him; arms on his shoulders trying to get him to look at her, he wouldn't budge, he kept telling himself he didn't deserve her as a friend, that he didn't deserve any of them, not after all the lives he's taken. Thousands of people, dead, all because of him. He felt so dirty...
He shut his eyes tighter when Mikasa threw her arms around him. It felt claustrophobic as she squeezed him into her tight hold. She whispered her questions in a concerned tone. He wanted to push her away so she wouldn’t have to be burdened with the likes of himself.
Jean had a gut feeling he knew what was going on when he saw Armin run past the group crying in the courtyard. None of them even realized what happened until 30 seconds later. Then Mikasa dashed off in the same direction followed by Jean and Connie and then Hange dragged Levi by the arm running after them.
“Armin! Please look at me! Tell me what’s wrong”
The tears forming in Mikasa’s eyes could no longer contain themselves. The awful feeling in Armin‘s stomach grew worse hearing her sobs. He took a deep breath knowing that she didn’t deserve to be left in the dark after everything that happened in Marley.
He slowly lifted his head. When Mikasa felt his body shifting she let him go for a brief moment. Her hands roamed his face, frantically searching for any wounds.
She realized that he wouldn’t look her in the eye.
He wasn’t looking at any of them, avoiding eye contact by looking at a small corner of the room. Then Connie sat down next to Mikasa, the same direction Armin was looking in confirming the suspensions she had. ‘I guess he saw it too’ she thought.
“Armin, talk to us, you know we’re here for you always, no matter what.” Connie’s voice rang with worry. Armin shot his head in a different direction to avoid Connie’s concerned gaze.
Armin found the courage to look her in the eyes. Her eyes wide in concern, her hands on the side of his face. More tears fell from his eyes. His sobs louder than ever. He fell into her chest hugging her as tight as he could.
It took a second to register in her mind what was going on around her, but even so she immediately wrapped her arms around him.
“I’m an awful person! I’m a terrible human being!” His sobs muffled by her chest. “I’ve killed so many people! It’s my damn fault! I should’ve died years ago!”
Everyone was shocked, including Levi. They all had the same thought ‘This is bad…’
A question popped into Armin‘s mind, one that he’s wondered about for years. He let go of Mikasa and turned his attention to Levi, not hesitating to let his tears fall.
“Why did you save me instead of the commander?! What’s so special about me?! He was better than me by a lot! Why is it that-“
Armin felt his cheek sting. Before he realized what was happening, he was pulled up by the collar of his shirt. He shut his eyes tightly expecting to hear Levi screaming his lungs out instead he heard Jean on the brink of tears.
Before anything could register in Mikasa’s mind she was being held back by Connie and Hange. She felt the heat rise to her face when she realized what was happening. For some reason she couldn’t break from their grip.
“I’ll handle Mikasa, you take care of Jean.” Connie managed to say as he was holding Mikasa back. ‘He’s gotten stronger’ she thought in frustration.
She decided it was pointless to continue to fight back so she stopped trying to get away from Connie.
Hange was trying to get Jean away from Armin, she wasn’t even listening to what he was saying anymore. Levi put a hand on her shoulder.
“Hange, this is useless, you should just let them talk it out” She ignored him and continued to try and pry them apart. Levi was right, it was useless, but everything in her life was falling apart, she needed to make peace somewhere so she could let the guilt slide off her shoulders for at least a little while.
Levi took Hange by the arm and pulled her away from the two, then he grabbed Mikasa by the wrist and dragged them out of the room with Connie following.
Leaving them alone to scream their hearts out.
“I can’t believe you would say something like that! Do you not see how many times you’ve saved us! You’ve saved us countless times! Without you I’d be dead! I’d be nothing! I thought that this was stupid, and I thought that death would be better then living in this hell hole! I thought that nobody would care if I lived or died! And then you saved me, again and again and again!”
Jean was crying now, he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He stared at his face and saw nothing but shame and disappointment.
“You think we don’t care about you!? You think you're useless!? Who-” He was screaming every word that came to mind when Armin interrupted him.
“If I’m so amazing, Why couldn’t I figure out a way to save Sasha!? Why can’t I think of a way to stop Eren without killing my best friend!? If I’m so amazing why couldn’t I have stopped him when he destroyed Marley!? If I would have stopped him Sasha would be alive! She would be breathing and eating and laughing about things with you and Connie! She would be happy with Nicolo! But she’s dead because of me!”
His words hurt Jean. More than anything ever has. He let Armin go. The pain of his words making more tears fall.
“No! Armin! Sasha’s death was not your fault! Forget about Eren! It’s stupid to think that we can can save him now! The Eren we knew is dead! The Eren that we love, the Eren that loved us is dead! As much as I hate to say it, it’s true! We can’t get him back!” His words stung as they left his mouth, but truer words have never been spoken.
Armin knew this was true. He didn’t want to believe that his childhood best friend was doing everything he used to be against. He wanted to know why his half brother that he didn’t even really know, the one he had never even met before a few months ago had priority over his best friends in the entire world, the only people who he had after his family was killed. What changed him?Why did he laugh when Sasha died? What was so funny about her death? Questions everyone had. What had changed Eren? What changed the fact that he wanted to see the world with the people he loved?
Eventually they all had to come to terms with it, moving on is crucial to fix the problem. But what happens after everything is over? What happens if they defeat Marley? What then? Why us? Why did this happen to us? Why couldn’t everything just have stayed the same? Why did they have to cause a war? Why couldn’t they just leave the eldians alone? Questions floated through Armins mind. He knew he would never get answers to any of them.
The realization that he would have to kill his best friend in order to save the world from total destruction hit him like a ton of bricks.
Armin sank to the floor. His eyes wide, tears rapidly flowing. He’d never felt so vulnerable.
“I have to kill my best friend to stop him. I have to kill my best friend to stop him.” He repeated over and over as it was sinking in that there was no other way to save eldia and the world as they knew it.
Armin had stopped crying. He didn’t feel any better but, he felt as if he had nothing left to give to humanity but more death and destruction. The job needed to be done. He wanted to live the last few years of his life in peace and he had to kill his best friend to get that…how…unfortunate.
He always saw the three of them living together as they got older. Just Armin, Mikasa, and Eren. Just like how it used to be. He would have dreams about Mikasa making breakfast for the three of them, but they’d have to force themselves to eat it because she was a horrible cook, but the tea was always the best. He smiled at that thought, the thought of having to wake Eren up every morning because he would always sleep in. The thought of them going to the market together to get food or going off to find firewood. None of that would ever happen.
Now he would probably end up living his final years alone. Why us?
It was quiet. Jean had given him time to think. The room was finally calm, Jean had stopped crying and was silently waiting for Armin to collect himself. He finally spoke.
“I used to think that the three of us would end up living together. Mikasa is a terrible cook, but she’d always make breakfast, Eren would sleep in every day, we’d have all the time in the world. I would read to them and we’d talk about seeing the world. That was the only peace I could find back then. Now I’m gonna die young and alone.”
He sunk into his thoughts, forgetting his surroundings and just thinking. After all, it's what he did best. He tuned everything out. So much so he didn’t hear or feel Jean scoot over and wrap his arms around him.
“I know you’ve always been incredibly insecure about the way we think of you as an asset, and what you bring to the table and what not, but we don’t see you as an asset, we see you as a best friend. We see you as someone we love and would do anything to protect. We know you would do the same for us, in fact you already have. Armin, you are amazing, well at least in my eyes. And anyone who doesn’t see that is an idiot.” He said in a quiet whisper. He wasn’t sure if he heard him or not so he just sat there and held him.
He’d always known he’d felt something for Armin. But he never knew what it was. Was it platonic or was it love? Why did he feel this way? Was it wrong? It’s definitely not platonic. He wants to hold him like this forever. Is that why he got so offended when Armin said what he said earlier? it probably was why he got so mad. Did he love him?
“I’ll never let you be alone when this is all over. If you want, we can live together, I can make you breakfast, I can make you my mom’s famous rice omelet. Can’t promise that it’ll be good though. Maybe even Connie and Mikasa will come with us. Mayb-”
“It’s wishful thinking, Jean. What’s the point, why keep fighting, is there a way we can beat Eren and survive? We should just give up.”
Why did this hurt so much? Jean ignored the feeling and decided to do something risky.
He lifted Armin's face up to look at him and let all his insecurities go for the moment,and his feelings melted out.
“I can't let anything bad happen to you. I could never live with myself if it did end up that way. I’ll hold your hand all the way through if I have to. I don’t want you to be alone, none of us want you to be alone. I know it’s not fair that your life was cut short by a lot, but I’m gonna be there for the rest of it no matter what.”
Armin’s eyes started to water up again. He felt really reassured by his words. But he also felt sad. His heart started beating a little faster when Jean put his hands on the sides of his face so he could keep eye contact. His toned jawline, his piercing eyes, the way they looked full of love and passion, and his hair was always neat. He could feel his strong body as he pulled him closer.
Armin would be lying to himself if he said he’d never thought about Jean in that way. Just watching him walk around made his cheeks heat up. But every time he thinks about it, ‘That would never happen, so just let it go. Jean likes Mikasa, it would never work’ he always told himself.
“But Jean-”
Jean pulled him a little closer and pressed his lips against his forehead, heart racing a million times a minute.When Armin realized what had happened, his face turned bright red, he was absolutely baffled by it.
“Armin, would you please calm down now? For me?”
“Wha- huh?!?!?” Jean giggled at the sight. It was absolutely adorable. He wanted to see it again. And again. And again for the rest of his life. He loved that beet red look. He loved the way Armin’s eyes went wide in confusion. Those pale blue eyes were so beautiful when they looked at everything but him.
He turned his face so that Armin was looking directly into Jean’s soul. So that he could see everything that he was thinking and pulled him into the most passionate kiss.
Armin’s eyes wide, Jean's eyes closed tightly hoping that this wasn’t a dream. He finally grasped the situation and kissed back with everything he had to offer. Their tongues clashed so effortlessly, as if they fit together perfectly like a puzzle, as if they were made for each other.
Armin then shifted so that he was straddling his lap. Jean wrapped his arms around him for support. The blond cupped the side of his face so the moment would be longer, so each moment would be more intimate than the next.
They finally parted, breathing unfortunately is essential. Looking into Armin’s eyes, he saw that they were a deep shade of blue, like the ocean. They soften when he catches his breath, back into that beautiful shade of pale blue he knew and loved so much.
Armin leaned into the crook of Jean's neck. Exhaustion settles in, his eyelids felt heavy. Everything felt calm, it felt like he was the safest he’d ever been. Knowing it wouldn’t last too long, he sat up, and looked Jean in the eyes.
“Let’s say Eren doesn’t end the world…I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with you. I won’t promise that it’ll be good but we’ll maybe, just maybe, be okay enough to be a little happy.”
Jean was happy with the sound of that. Just the two of them living together for the next few years. It sounded nice but Jean knew the sad truth. Armin did too but they need some sort of plan for stability. They wanted to let each other have this plan.
“ I- I love you”
“ I love you too”
But
Nothing ever went anyone's way here, not in Armin’s story. The thought floated around his mind. But he pushed it away and locked it in a box, but no matter what, that little box would would always have a bomb with a timer on it, just waiting to explode. When it does, it would probably be bigger than the rumbling itself.