Work Text:
“Hold on, baby; you’re losing it
The water’s high, you’re jumping into it.”
~*~*~*~
April 19th, 2012
Do you ever feel like the world is crumbling around you and you just can’t hold it up any longer? Seems like a silly question given that you’re just some diary that I found at the dollar store. Maybe you have days when someone picked you up and bent your pages the wrong way and threw you on the ground.
God, to whoever finds this, you must think I’m crazy.
It’s easier, though, to act like I’m talking to someone who actually cares what I have to say and listens attentively. Sure, there’s Tsukki, but even, he tends to ignore the more emotional side of life. He’s got his ways of coping, and I’ve got mine. Too bad he isn’t compatible with my way.
It’s strange, really. A diary is so girly. The team would probably make fun of me for it. They’re a little on the wild side. Sure, I just met them, but they’re guys. A guy doing feminine things is not cool in a boy’s eyes.
Guys can’t wear skirts.
Guys can’t have long hair.
Guys can’t have diaries and long to have sleepovers just to spill the details of their new crush.
Most importantly, a guy can’t be fat. He has to be muscular and lean. One ounce of fat and you get asked if you’re even trying to lose weight. To a guy, a girl can have some fat. They think it’s better to hold and makes for a better fuck.
A guy, on the other hand, to even be considered attractive, must only be muscle. That’s what we’re taught from a young age. Why even bother if you weren’t the spitting image of beauty?
I wish I could talk more, but I’m being called down for dinner. I’m not really that hungry. I wish I didn’t have to go.
~*~*~*~
April 22nd, 2012
I think I found a solution to the previous problem. I honestly can’t believe I didn’t come to this conclusion earlier. Tanaka, my senpai from the team, was talking about how he should increase the amount of protein he ate so his muscles could get bigger and he could impress Kiyoko. It’s stupid, I know. Tsukki sure gave him a put-down for that one. But, as stupid as it was, it got me thinking. What if I was thinking about this whole weight thing wrong? Maybe it’s not more playing time that I need but simply a change of diet. Okaasan always joked that I ate too much junk food.
So here’s the plan:
- Take away most of the snacks I eat. That means no more grabbing chips or a sweet from the vending machine on breaks or before afternoon practices. If I need something, I’ll just remember to pack something healthy the night before.
- Reduce the number of carbs and calories and replace them with more helpful things like protein.
- Exercise and push myself more in practice.
- Lastly, drink plenty of water and cut out any sugary drinks.
Simple enough, right? I did some research, and this is what people recommended for burning excess fat and gaining muscle. There are people that are taller than me and somehow weigh twenty pounds less than me. Maybe they have hollow bones. That certainly would make playing volleyball easier. I wouldn’t be weighed down as much. I could jump even higher. Maybe even higher than Hinata. He’s superhuman, though.
The other thing I concluded was that I could be doing more to reduce the amount of acne and blemishes I have on my face. I can’t do anything about the freckles, unfortunately. Those are stuck there unless I stop going into the sun completely. I found ways to lighten them, though.
Simply, I need to be using acne medication. I wash my face already, but that’s obviously not enough. I need to use things with salicylic acid and moisturize my face. Lastly, for the freckles, I need to rub lemon juice on my face and rinse.
I plan on keeping my progress in here, so you’ll get to see how I’m doing. I promise to try my best to keep you updated.
~*~*~*~
April 24th, 2012
Cutting out snacks was kind of hard. It’s only been two days, and I can feel the craving coming back. I don’t give in to it, in case you’re wondering. I’ve got to be strong after all. A little less food killed no one. Tsukki did give me a small look today when I didn’t binge eat my snack before practice. I made an excuse of wanting to change how I eat so I don’t feel terrible during practice. It’s not really a lie. It made not be the primary reason, but it’s one of them.
I’m not really sure if he bought it. That kind of scares me. What if he sees right through me?
I’m sure he won’t, but part of me can’t help but wonder.
~*~*~*~
April 27th, 2012
Today, I fucked up a little. Normally, we go to the corner store and get meat buns after a long practice. I knew I shouldn’t have taken one when Daichi offered but I took it. I gave in. The thought of indulging in something so delicious outdid my determination.
The carbs hurt my stomach the whole walk home. I kept my face straight and tried to act normal before I turned on my street. Tsukki didn’t get a meat bun in the first place and kept his headphones on the whole time. The coast was clear.
By the time I sat down to write in here, my stomach hurt so bad that I wanted to throw up. Even now, I just want it out of my system. No matter how delicious it was. After eating healthy, it feels like poison. I was really tempted to go and try and throw it back up in the bathroom. But, I’m too fucking scared. My mom could hear me and keep me home from practice tomorrow.
Practice is more important than throwing up right now. I need to build up my muscles. If I’m stuck in bed all day, then, what will all my work be for?
~*~*~*~
April 29th, 2012
Today’s Sunday. We don’t have practice on Sundays. Good thing it’s the start of Golden Week. I’ll get to play more. Today, though, I’m kind of at a loss for what to do. I considered going out and running or going to the park and hitting a volleyball. I need to study, too. There’s a lot of work in the college-preparatory class compared to middle school. Tsukki doesn’t seem to be struggling with it too much. But, I’ve kind of put it off.
I have an essay due tomorrow along with three pages of math homework from Thursday and Friday’s lessons. The math homework isn’t terribly hard, just tedious. For the essay, I have three words.
Why is it so easy to write in here, but not on the paper that I need for school? I swear I feel as if I could sit here for hours, scribbling away every little thought that crossed my mind, but as soon as I look at the thing I need to show other people, I’m overcome with such anxiety. What if it isn’t good enough? What if they decide that they made a mistake? What if they think I need to go down to the lower-level classes? Tsukki wouldn’t be there. I’m not close enough with the other first years on the team. I know I don’t usually talk much, but I don’t think I would dare to open my mouth in there.
God, I just want for it to all go away.
I don’t want to leave you. I really want to sit here and explain every corner of my mind, but I have to start before this feeling stays with me all day.
I’ll save it for another day.
~*~*~*~
May 1st, 2012
Today, we had a match with Nekoma, Karasuno’s old rival. Like the Aoba Johsai match, I didn’t play.
I get it. I’m not as tall or as confident or as talented as the other first years, but this is ridiculous. All I wanted was one minute on the court, but instead, I’m on the bench, watching as they make all the points. I felt so helpless. Even when we were ahead, I was so nervous about Nekoma catching up to us. And they did. They beat us, and I wasn’t even given a chance to stop it from happening.
Hinata was roaring to go again. They lost again. Another set played. Another set lost.
How? How does he think that we can keep going with a team like this who has players like me that deserve nothing more than the bench? I want to be useful. I really do. Nekoma was stronger than us. But we can get stronger.
Still, it feels like I’ve made no progress. Nothing is changing. It’s been almost two weeks and I’ve lost like two kilograms. Maybe I’m not doing enough. I think I’m still eating too much.
Something has kind of been rubbing me the wrong way the last few days. Every time I think about myself, I can only think negatively. I’m too fat. I’m too lazy. I don’t do enough. I’m not enough.
I want to think of myself positively again. That’s why I have to do this. I must become enough so that everyone is happy.
~*~*~*~
May 22nd 2012
Ok, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve written in here. I’ve tried trust me but the words just don’t come out. I’m kind of scared. What if someone finds this? I want to write all my inner thoughts but those come in waves too much for me to handle sometimes. What if I write something and someone finds it and thinks I’m mentally insane or something of the sort? I’m not. Really I’m not. At least, I don’t think I am. Everyone thinks of themselves negatively. The toughest critic is yourself and all that.
I’m not losing my mind.
Speaking of losing things, I did end up changing my diet. Now, I really only feel like I have to eat one small meal and a big meal at dinner. Even with all the exercise I do, I don’t feel that hungry. Crazy, right? Another three kilograms lost in the last few weeks. My figure is slimmer, and my muscles are more defined. My thighs don’t even jiggle anymore.
I think the team has noticed. At least, about my smaller figure. As for my food habits, I don’t know. Tsukki might be suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s always been so observant. It’s one of the things that makes him him.
Even if he did know, it’s not like I’m doing bad. Hell, I feel greater than ever. My serve is getting better. I feel like I could fly when I jump for a spike. Kageyama even commented on how my spiking height was higher than it had been.
It’s a turn for the better.
I still hear all the negative things in my mind, but physically, I’ve never been better. I’ve learned that it’s best to ignore the inner workings of my mind. It’s not true what it says. Everything said is just lies. Nothing more. Nothing less.
At least, that’s what I have to say. I don’t want to come and face a reality where the things said are true.
~*~*~*~
May 30th, 2012
I fucked up. I fucked so bad. It’s a miracle that no one is home.
With Interhigh next month, Suga and Daichi have been trying really hard to boost morale. Kiyoko has been trying to find a new manager, so when that happens, it will help. But, until then, Suga has brought it upon himself.
Today, after practice, he wanted to get everyone ice cream. I didn’t want it. The thought of it disgusted me so much. But, I couldn’t deny it with everyone questioning me. If I said it was a diet, they would tell me just to cheat for a day. If I refused then, it would escalate into something I don’t need.
So against my better judgment, I took the fucking ice cream and ate. It felt so heavy. Even the first small bite felt like it was tearing through my stomach.
I’ve never wanted to throw up so much in my life.
As soon as I could, I broke away from the group and ran. Ran as fast as I could. My house isn’t that far from Coach’s store. Flinging open the door, I went to the bathroom and forced two fingers in my mouth. I couldn’t tell you how hard I pushed down on the back of my tongue. I just wanted it out. I didn’t want it to come to this. I didn’t want to throw up.
I cried for what seemed like forever after emptying my whole stomach. Even now, I’m so scared. I think it’s been an hour since I’ve gotten home. I know it’s time to eat dinner, but I don’t want to. It’s bad since I skipped lunch. But I can’t. I won’t eat.
Sleep sounds pretty good right now. So goodnight. Hopefully this will pass by morning.
~*~*~*~
June 2nd, 2012
Throwing up that night still hasn’t left my mind. Whenever I feel like I’ve eaten too much, I want to do it again. I just want it all out. I read that laxatives can help get everything out of your system so now I take one before I eat anything. I had to go out of my way to get them where no one would know me.
Interhigh is soon, but I don’t want to think about it.
All I want to do is lay down and never wake up.
~*~*~*~
June 18th, 2012
I can’t do this anymore. All I did was warm up and I was already feeling nauseous. It was so hard to stay on my feet.
By the third set against Aoba Johsai, it was looking like I wasn’t going to play yet again. The last week I had spent training with Shimada and I know my serve isn’t very good right now, but I wanted to play.
And I got my chance.
And I fucked it all up.
Why do I have to be such a screw up? God, why was I even born to begin with?
When I went to serve, I collapsed. I was so nervous and the next thing I remember was waking up in the infirmary with the news that Karasuno had lost.
I must have ruined their morale and rhythm. This could be the third years’ last game depending on if they choose to stay or not and I ruined it. They could have won.
The nurse said I looked like I didn’t weigh enough for my height and said that my skin had a sickly yellow to it. She must have known. She must have pitied me and thought how sad it was that I made it to this point.
I should be more offended, but I just want to prove her right.
I just want to end it all.
I don’t know if I’ll write again. If I write everything, people could figure me out so easily. All they would have to see is me writing. That would pique their curiosity enough.
So this is goodbye.
Goodbye for good.
Sincerely, Yamaguchi Tadashi.
~*~*~*~
He closed the book. June 18th. That was over a month ago.
If he was done with it, Tsukishima couldn’t figure out why he left the book in his room still. Was it guilt? Was it his brain saying that he shouldn’t depart with it?
All Tsukishima knew was how badly he wanted to cry his eyes out behind closed doors.