Work Text:
In his daily journal, the first entry written by Jin GuangYao read as follows:
For the you who is no more:
Lan XiChen, Lan Huan, it's been three months since you've gone, and today I finally fully accepted that you'll never come back. It's not easy. For the first time, I won't lie, I won't say I'm fine, but I've finally discovered the relief that resignation brings with it.
I have resigned myself to never having you with me again.
I've never allowed myself to give up on anything, always wanting to obtain everything my mother wished for me, what I thought she wanted for me, even fighting for the respect that, as now I see, I deserved just for being a person.
But, for the sake of your current self and mine, I have accepted that you, the you that I loved and that loved me in return, died in that accident.
And I miss you, I miss you.
I will miss your smile, how your eyes lit up when I told you how much I loved you, and the way you hugged me, one hand in my hair and your other arm holding me tight. I'll miss all the little things that made us a pair, and how you brought the best of me, how your kind behavior, full of love and acceptance, made me want to be better.
I'll treasure the memories of our happy times. For the first time, I am so grateful to have an eidetic memory; It allows me to visualize your smile and your eyes full of love, as if you were still here. I'll never forget you.
But since I have already lost everything, I need to rebuild and find new treasures. I need to learn how to live in peace from now on, without harming others, without harming myself; I'm sure you'd be proud and give me your support, as you always did. I know that I won't change so suddenly, it'll be a tough process, but everything will be for the best, I can tell that.
XiChen, I promise to live as best as I can for the rest of my life, much better than I have done so far.
Your fiancé that misses you very much.
Your A-Yao.