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It was a horrible idea.
Vincent remained seated as he held his empty glass, fastly tapping his foot against the floor. His ears got used to the loud music, but his eyes could no longer stay open for longer than a few seconds. He propped his forehead on his hand. He knew this sort of lifestyle was not made for him, yet his brain itched at the thought of Victor ending up in trouble. It was 4 am, after all. Even if making it to the RMU was a big feat on its own, screwing himself up on the first day was still an utterly reckless move. Not like he should care about what that man did, but the second-hand embarrassment, along with a slight hint of worry, churned his insides more than he wanted to admit.
But even though he had stayed there for a few minutes, he saw no trace of his dormmate amongst the crowd. All he saw were remaining couples with a few groups chatting, and barely anyone stepped in or out of the room. With a heavy sigh, he left for some fresh air, and soon he was out on the campus. Seeing as he couldn’t do much more, he decided to walk around in hopes he would either get sleepy or find Victor, the last scenario being much more unlikely considering how big the place was.
Still, he dawdled around wrapped in his own thoughts. How come he, as well as the people that went to the party, had completely wasted a precious night of sleep right before the first day of school? Just earlier he had become aware of his obnoxious hypocrisy, but this felt like a whole other level. Vincent Edgeworth, the guy who had spent his entire lifetime trapped inside a bubble, in which almost every second was dedicated to reaching the great Myers Corporation, was about to trample over all his first classes due to some dude’s recklessness and his own lack of energy. In a way to coax his idiocy, he lied to himself each day thinking that sacrifices must be made in order to reach his goal, and one of them was his social life. How could he possibly study with distractions such as friends? Why was he the only one so self-aware of his future? How come everyone wanted to have fun while completely ignoring that, down the path, they’d end up in some low-wage job filled to the brim with debts and living with the bare minimum, if at all? Yet, was the pain of never belonging, the pain of your worth being placed in how many fancy words you could conjure in the right moments, really worth it?
He had always been able to segue into his close-minded view every time he doubted himself, but his chat with Victor had completely overturned his conclusions. And at the moment, it was as if it was obvious. So painfully so that loneliness had never weighted on him as hard as in that second, not even when he attended parties and was stuck in a corner for the rest of the event. Compared to Victor, he realized he was but a still image in the passage of time, an empty beholder of memories that faded away faster than he could remember. His intellect had taken over his ability to be able to tell yesterday from three years ago. It was all the same to him as long as he had a book in his arms. For someone who believed that memories patched a person’s entire being, he was rather dull and void, perfectly matching his egocentric, cynical personality.
He was brought back to reality when his ears caught some muffled sobs around the corner. As soon as he turned, he couldn’t help but immediately approach the person responsible for them.
“Victor?”
“V-Vincent?” He immediately backed off, destroying eye contact as fast as it was created. “What the hell are you doing here?!”
“I should be the one asking that, look at yourself! And completely unarmed, too. You’re just asking for a beating or worse!”
His attention was now on the bottle of liquor on Victor’s side, which the mentioned hid as soon as he noticed.
“And what of it? Where I go and what I do is none of your business, or is it?”
“No, but-”
“Then fuck off!”
Vincent flinched, his brows furrowing as he kept observing the man. He saw how Victor drank the last of his alcohol, losing track of his surroundings as he stared down for a solid amount of seconds. Vincent, on the other hand, slowly propped his fingers on Victor’s shoulders, unsure if it was the moment to say any words. It was the first of four years in which they would share their lives, and yet he marvelously managed to stir things up right on the start. How ignorant of other’s lives could he be?
Victor held back a sob, drying the tear that had formed in his eye with his hand. “Sorry, I haven’t been in the right mood as of late. Ever since I got the news that I'd been accepted to the RMU, my mind’s been wracking itself up day and night. I barely sleep.”
He wasn’t able to hide his feelings anymore, for his eyes had become even tearier than before. Vincent pulled out a napkin, which he accepted rather sluggishly, avoiding his gaze.
“I wanted to punch you, I truly did. But I came to realize that I was merely looking for a punching bag to lay all my turmoil onto. Well, some things you said still make me wanna kick you but, I can ignore that.” He let out an unintentionally loud chuckle, though Vincent’s features only grew somber.
Admitting to his feelings towards this seemingly stuck-up guy perhaps wasn’t a good idea. Or maybe it was. Victor couldn’t care at that moment. He had already spent hours crying to himself, too exasperated by his emotions to go back and sleep. The man right to his side was who his family had always expected him to be, not a single detail missing from the living cutout cardboard of perfection, or at least what he picked up as a definition. It was beyond his limits the reason why he strode for such an unachievable goal, the built-up pressure suddenly heaving upon him even though he was supposed to be used to it by then. Mental health be screwed, for all he needed in life to be loved were good grades and a good attitude. Despite Vincent’s lack of socialization, he found himself desiring to be in his shoes at all costs, at least for one second.
“See, my whole life was built around being accepted to the RMU. How that happened or what came afterward was irrelevant. Everyone around me roiled at the idea of me being slightly average and therefore so did I. I worked my ass off just so I could stand- well, sit where I am, but what do I do now? I’ve got no idea on how to proceed in life, not a single career in mind or a future to look up to. You, on the other hand…”
Victor paused, looking up to his partner who seemed dumbfounded at best and malcontented at worst. Empty bottle in hand, he searched for its last drop in an attempt to avoid that gaze. It was too difficult to analyze for his clammy head; it made him feel smaller, weaker, dumber. He threw the bottle far enough so that it’d be out of his reach, and sighed.
“Do I even have to explain it? I wish I could be even half of what you are. Not only do you love your studies, stand elegantly, and manage your time wisely, but you’ve always known what you want in life, who you strive to become and always be. More than being mad at you, I’m… mostly mad at myself.”
Vincent reflected on those last words. “Is this why you’ve been out the whole night?”
“Yes. Stupid, isn’t it?” He did not expect Vincent to care for him any more than he did in return. In fact, he expected their relationship to stay as bitter over the years, barely tolerating each other despite his original words. No, they would not become friends. Vincent was on an entirely different level, he couldn’t possibly waste time on someone as low-life as him. He would learn to cope eventually, surely.
“Actually…”
Vincent’s brow knit up, his shoulders sagged with uncertainty. He could only stare down at Victor as he came up with the right wording. After all, this was the sort of problem he was never trained to solve. He’s always had trouble being in someone else’s shoes, and it wasn’t as if he needed to often. Only then he recognized that all the things he gave up for perfection were more important than he could imagine.
“I may not understand what you’re going through but,” He inhaled deeply. “I’m not one to dictate how you feel. If you’re mad at me, you’re free to do so. It’s not like I treated you fairly either.”
Vincent gently patted him on the back. Though he wanted to spill his sentiments as well, he swallowed the desire firmly, not allowing himself to ever be vulnerable.
At least not yet.
Victor looked up, trying to avoid the urge to latch onto the man’s warmth. His head swirled around constantly, getting worse as the seconds passed by. He couldn’t help but close his eyes as he found comfort in Vincent’s embrace, hearing his voice call for his name before falling into oblivion.
.
.
.
.
“Victor? Victor!”
His eyes fluttered open, finding himself not in the piercing chill of the night, but laying down on a soft, cozy mattress. It took some moments before he could make out the figure in front of him. Vincent was crouching to the side of the bed, his expression almost like that of a puppy as he paid close attention to each of Victor’s movements. It made him feel terribly exposed.
“You’re awake? Are you feeling alright?”
He grunted as he sat into a comfortable position, enough to look at his partner face to face. They were too close. Dangerously close. “...What happened? Have I been out for too long?”
“You passed out cold after we chatted, do you remember?”
Victor noticed how Vincent nonchalantly placed his hands awfully near his own, lying freely on his lap. He deflected his gaze as fast as he could, hoping that his cheeks would cooperate accordingly. The hand that reached his forehead was a signal that no, they clearly didn’t.
“Hey, you haven’t answered any of my questions. I already took you to the doctor and they said that you were over-exhausted and stressed, and with some rest you should be feeling better soon, so if you would like me to step out-”
“No, no, n-” Vincent’s arm was firmly grasped as he stood up, meeting a pair of startled eyes. “I’m confused, that’s all.” He gave a lop-sided grin in an attempt to regain his dormmate’s company, though it was so poorly executed that Vincent merely stood there, pondering. “Just tell me what time is it.”
A silence filled the room, but was soon broken as Vincent sighed, once again moving to Victor’s side.
“It’s already noon. Getting wasted while throwing all your sentimental talk surely got you unconscious for long, I’m almost surprised.” He snickered, earning a smile from Victor which suddenly turned into distress.
“Hold on, I didn’t say or do anything stupid, did I?” Vincent chuckled, choking in a laugh that dared to escape. “Hey, don’t tell me I actually did something stupid!”
“No, it’s-” Vincent took a few breathy laughs before finally adjusting back to normal. “Nevermind, nothing to worry about.” His face slowly vanished into one of sorrow. “So… you don’t remember what happened?”
“Somewhat.” Victor paused. He didn’t forget anything important, did he? “I’m not sure of what either of us said…”
“Huh, I see.”
That struck a nerve. It was to be expected, or so he thought. He was glad that Victor no longer seemed angry at him, but it still stung the fact that a moment such as that of last night was now only kept in his memory. It even felt invasive how much he knew about Victor in comparison to what Victor knew about him. Victor had opened his soul up thanks to a period of vulnerability. He, on the other hand, kept his genius persona intact, away from prying feelings and defenseless acts such as the one committed by his partner the night before. What a craven.
“By the way… did you attend your classes?”
Vincent was pulled out of his trance. “No, I wanted to see with my own eyes that you were okay.”
His companion smirked. “So you love me so much you would ruin your first day of school for me? I’m honored.”
Of course, Vincent’s blush showed up inadvertently, causing Victor to giggle. “...Ignoring what you just said, I must note that I brought you this cup of hot chocolate.” He held the object in his hand. “Though it is no longer as hot as it should be, thanks to our little chit-chat.”
“Wait, is that foam…?”
“In the shape of a kitten? Yes. I…” Vincent took a deep breath. I thought it would make you feel better is what he’d say if his brain, and heart, weren’t filled with a stir of anxiety. “I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to do.”
“...”
This time it was Victor’s turn to laugh, except he was even louder than his companion. His laughter heightened even more the moment that Vincent furrowed his eyebrows at the seemingly nonsensical reaction. He would have crossed his arms had it not been for the cup he was supposed to have given out by that moment.
“What’s so funny?”
“No, nothing.” Victor said shakily, grabbing the drink while still recovering from his lack of air. “But why would you do all of this? We were on bad terms just yesterday!”
That would’ve been a reasonable question if Victor had not shown that bit of his life the night before. Well, more than a bit. It was too personal on Vincent’s standards, but he could not erase the fact that it happened. Just some minutes before meeting him up he was sauntering around on his search, craving for both the whys of Victor’s behavior and his presence, though he would not dare admit that last part.
“But is it really so after what happened early in the morning? Wouldn’t you say we sorted things out?”
The puzzled look on Victor’s face indicated that they weren’t on the same page at all. “Vincent, I already told you. I can’t recall half the things we said. You need to update me on what truly occurred. My sentimental talk, to be exact.”
Vincent suspired, his heart beating against his ribs like a hammer. How much detail was he supposed to add or subtract? He’s used to abhorring the lack of information whenever news reached his ears, but this was… “Well, last night I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk around campus. Eventually, I found you in a corner crying to yourself and downing the last of your alcohol.” Victor’s eyes weighed on him like an anvil, as though they were prying his very being. “You… told me about how you got into RMU merely because of everyone’s expectations, and that you were mad because you were the total opposite of me.”
…
“So…?”
“I told you it was fine. You then passed out and I dragged you here.”
“Is that really all?”
…
“Yes.”
The mood tensed. Vincent kept his quivering breath as steady as he was able to, yet Victor’s gaze never drifted, not even as he drank his lukewarm hot chocolate.
Victor simply sighed. “Well, if that’s it, I can’t make you spill any more words.” And he drank the last of his drink.
His roommate stifled his shaky breath, caught between the tides of truthfulness and what he assumed was his dignity.
“Though I just want you to know…” Vincent stood up, his vision trying to avoid the glare of the other man. “I’ll always be available if you ever need to vent your frustrations out. I’m no expert in comforting people, but I’m willing to try my best for you.” Victor’s eyes widened, his cheeks embarrassingly heating up against his will. He stayed silent as he swallowed those sentences, almost missing the fact that Vincent was already packing his things up.
Vincent made a beeline towards the door, not looking back until his hand was on the handle.
“If you excuse me now, I’ll take my leave towards class. You should do so as well.”
He escaped before his awkward distress made its way through his face, leaving a bemused Victor behind. The latter stared at his empty cup, long enough for his reverie to take over.
Well, he had already wasted almost the entire day. A few more minutes wouldn’t do any difference.