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Dear Harry,
I wanted to write to you before the dementors take what is left of me. You do not owe me anything, but I hope you will read this. While I know there are no excuses, I need you to know how I got to where I am.
I am truly sorry that I disappointed you, but when I think about it, I’ve always been a disappointment, haven’t I? Everyone knew from the first time we stepped into Hogwarts that I was useless.
You, on the other hand, no one ever doubted your strength. From the first time we met outside the Great Hall, waiting to be sorted, I knew you were special. I admired how confident you were. You had just entered a world that I had known my whole life, but somehow you shone so much brighter than I ever did.
During our time at school, you defeated basilisks, dementors, and dragons while I stood back and watched you be great. For a long time, I didn’t mind, but it gets lonely in the shadows. It wasn’t until that night at the Ministry that I realized just how much I wanted to be better.
I remember it so clearly– escaping Umbridge’s office, flying the thestrals, and battling the Death Eaters. For the first time, I felt like I’d done something right. My heart broke for you when we lost Sirius. I saw a little bit of the light leave you that day. What I didn’t know was that the prophecy you found would flip my life upside down too. Did Dumbledore ever explain to you how I fit into the whole thing? I’m sure he didn’t. That man never gave away any information that didn’t directly benefit himself.
I went back to Gran’s for the summer holiday, and that’s when it all went to hell. Harry, I really don’t know how it all happened or what came over me. For a while, I was convinced I had been Imperiused, but if that were the case I wouldn’t have suspected it, would I?
Evan Rosier came to visit me my first night back home. I’ve never told anyone this, but he and my dad were friends before he joined You-Know-Who. He explained that the prophecy we found in the Department of Mysteries was not just about you, but also about me. You see, if Voldemort had come for me that Halloween night instead of you, I would have been the Chosen One. I would have had the power of the Dark Lord in my blood, and my life would have gone very differently. But instead, my parents were cursed to live a tortured life not knowing who I was, and I grew up a nobody.
Rosier told me that You-Know-Who wanted me…me. I was obviously terrified, but I couldn’t help but also feel a little proud. Gran said I should really consider what side of the war I wanted to be on–-the winning side or the losing side. That’s when a brilliant idea struck me. You would’ve been so proud of me, Harry, it was an excellent plan! I was going to infiltrate the Death Eaters.
I know, that sounds crazy, but I saw my chance to really be of service and be the wizard I knew I could be, so I accepted. A week later, Rosier came back to collect me and take me to the Malfoy’s. Let me tell you, living with Draco Malfoy was a nightmare. He saw right through me.
Sixth year was one of the hardest times of my life. I felt so alone. You were distracted by Malfoy, and Ron and Hermione were busy trying to stop you from doing something stupid. For a while, it was just me and Ginny. That is until, after five years of her pining after you, you finally decided you wanted her. The few friends that I had were moving on without me.
Something changed then. I didn’t mean for it to, and I didn’t realize it at first. I desperately tried to keep you out of Malfoy’s way, and I counted down the days until Dumbledore was gone for good. You never saw it Harry, but I did. He was using all of us, and I couldn’t take it any more.
Whenever I tried to sit down and plan for the Death Eater infiltration, my brain and my heart were battling each other. I knew I couldn’t stop Malfoy, but I also couldn’t be seen helping him. So when you left that night with Dumbledore, I went to Snape. He insisted that I fight alongside our friends and do whatever necessary to keep my cover, because he was about to blow his. I know you said he was on the Order’s side the whole time, but I still don’t know if I believe that.
I patrolled the halls with Luna and Ginny, trying my best to keep them away from the Room of Requirement. Once the Death Eaters were in, all hell broke loose and I couldn’t keep up with who I was fighting and who I was helping. I was confused and torn, so I jumped in front of a body-bind curse and spent the rest of the battle lying on the floor like the coward I’ve always been.
The next couple of years were a blur. I’m not sure when I went from pretending to be on their side to actually being on their side. Everything seemed so pointless, but for the first time in my life, I felt useful. They made me feel seen.
So when it came time for the final battle and I realized Malfoy had betrayed us, I lost it. I’m not sure what came over me, but when I saw him pull Gryffindor’s sword from that bloody hat and swing it towards Nagini, the curse was out of my mouth before I realized what I was doing. I couldn’t let him win…let you win.
If I’m being honest with you, and myself, I don’t regret the path that I took. I don’t regret joining a group of people who saw my potential and let me feel powerful. My only regret was in that moment when I cast the killing curse at Malfoy. I regret that I never had the best aim when it came to spell work. I didn’t mean for Ginny to die. I don’t blame you for defending Malfoy at his trial, yet speaking against me at mine. I guess when it came down to it, the changes we both made determined our fates. I’m exactly where I deserve to be.
I suppose this is goodbye.
Neville