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Dome was confused.
Dome was so confused, all because of a junior that had suddenly found his way into his life.
Vee.
Vee was special. He was extraordinary and just so different from everyone else. And Dome was aware that he should be saying this about his girlfriend and not about her fucking brother of all people. But Vee was just so different from everyone he has ever met.
So in the beginning, Dome was confused.
He had always thought he knew himself. He was just an ordinary guy, so what would there ever be to discover? He had mastered his educational career up to this point without any big hiccups, was decent at relay racing, had had friends throughout all his life, and had recently managed to get a girlfriend. He didn't stand out a lot, but he also wasn't invisible. Just an ordinary guy.
He never had to wonder much about who he was, about where he belonged in the world; in society. It had always come natural, the way he fulfilled everyone's expectations. And he never had a problem with it. Hell, he never even really thought about whether he could or should have a problem with it. He didn't have to. He just went with the flow, and he was content with the way it was.
But now, now he realized that in the past years, maybe he should have put a little more thought into who he really was. Because if he had done that, maybe he wouldn't be so confused and overwhelmed now.
He would have realized that he wasn't the most ordinary guy after all. Would have understood it much sooner. That there was more to him than what everyone else saw. More to his personality, his identity.
Because facing this now — it was complicated and he was scared. Maybe that was what had held him back all these years, without him even noticing it was there. Fear.
Maybe he'd known deep down that if he invested some time into thinking about who he was and who he wanted to be, maybe he would have figured out that he wasn't just this normal guy that didn't stand out whatsoever. That there was a side of him that did stand out, in a way that made him feel so afraid now.
Because now he was faced with Vee. Vee with his bubbly personality, openness, playfulness and helpfulness. With a smile that was so blinding and eyes that just bore their way into Dome's soul whenever they met his own. It wasn't good for his heart.
His heart, which beat faster everytime the two interacted.
And Dome knew it was wrong. And he hated himself for thinking that way, but maybe just a little part of himself also loved the adrenaline that every conversation with Vee brought when they were together. Adrenaline, because he feared — every time — that someone would notice the way Vee affected him. Because he wasn't allowed to feel that way with the situation he was in — dating Vee's sister and all that. So it was like a game of hide and seek for him. And even though it was terrifying, it was also thrilling, and exciting.
He never thought he would be that guy. The guy that went around playing with girls' hearts, betraying their trust. He never wanted to be that guy, didn't want it now.
And he swears he's not doing this intentionally. He hadn't planned on suddenly having eyes for someone other than Pan. It wasn't like he didn't like her, not at all. He had started dating her for a reason after all.
Only that now, he wasn't so sure anymore that he ever really liked her like that. She was attractive and nice and had a great personality, and of course chasing her had been exciting. He liked spending time with her; he liked being her boyfriend.
He had no problem with the relationship whatsoever.
But this newfound feeling with Vee was nothing he had ever felt with anybody before. It was just more, so much more intense than anything he had ever felt for any girl, including Pan.
It was electrifying, thrilling, and addictive. It would have been the best thing ever, had it not been for Pan.
And Dome hated himself for even thinking that, because how could this possibly be her fault?
He knew, rationally, that even if there was zero chance of him ever getting together with Vee, he should still break up with Pan. He knew now that he didn't really love her. At least not enough for a relationship. He loved her as a friend, sure, appreciated her being in his life, but that was it, no love. No thrill, no sparks. He should be honest with her, and with himself on top of that.
But it was so much easier to just stay with her. Dome and Pan, that was normalcy. Ordinariness. Something he didn’t have to feel weird or guilty about, because it was just what was expected from a guy like Dome. Get a nice girlfriend and stay with that nice girlfriend, preferably forever.
When he spent time with Pan he felt secure.
When he spent time with Vee he felt like there was a fire inside of him burning him up from the inside out. In the best way possible.
But he was also aware that he didn't even know whether Vee felt the same way, or if he really was just showing Dome his tricks, or even just having fun without any deeper intentions. So how could Dome risk his perfectly fine relationship for an unknown future, one that honestly scared him to death?
He didn't think he was ready to confront that side of himself yet. To even admit that this side did exist within him. Buried deep, so deep inside, all his life. So he planned on just staying with Pan, hoping that this infatuation with his junior would simply subside with time. He understood that this wasn't exactly fair to Pan, but he couldn't help it, he just wasn't ready.
The fact that he still had relay practice with Vee regularly, and saw him around campus all the time, made that practically impossible, though. Because Vee drew him in a little more every day, and Dome couldn't help it, he was a little bit addicted to how Vee made him feel.
So, his infatuation didn't subside, on the contrary. The two just got closer and the closer they got, the fire inside him raged on more and more. With every look, every touch, it got more out of control.
Until at the end of the day, he went back to Pan. Enjoyed her company, the routines of their relationship. Where he didn't have to worry about anything, didn't have to wrack his brain for answers about who he really was. Just going through the motions. Easy, simple. A safe haven.
And so he stayed with Pan, but ached for Vee.
He couldn't help it.