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A car crash. A stupid fucking car crash.
Some trouble with the brakes, they said.
No way they could have known, they said.
Well that was a whole load of horseshit. Levi knew it could have been avoided. Of course, it could have been avoided. What kind of dumb fucker couldn’t avoid having their brakes checked and fixed? You’d have to be a braindead moron to not think of that.
No. No. Isabel died because of him. She died because he got caught up in shit bigger than him. She dies because he opened his big fucking mouth. She died because she was loyal to a fault. She died because she loved him. She died because she refused to let him go.
Levi was absolutely sure her car was in perfect condition. He knew because he checked regularly. He knew because he’d checked her car less than two weeks before the absolute trainwreck that was this night. He knew. He knew it was no accident. He knew it could have been avoided.
It was his fault. It was his fault she died. But not just his. Oh no, of course not. He would never deny having played a huge part in her death. But he was not the only one. Levi was not the one who’d fucked up her car’s brakes. Someone else did that. And he couldn’t be sure who exactly did it. But it didn’t matter. Why bother with one snake when you can burn the entire nest?
He could do that. Burn the nest. Get rid of all the snakes with just one carefully placed and timed hit. He could avenge Isabel’s death. A death that was so unnecessary. Fuck, why her? Why couldn’t those cowards just go after him? Why her? See, Levi’s not a coward. He’s not going to go after their loved ones, he’s just going to kill all the snakes. All of them. Why couldn’t they also do that?
Levi looked up at his reflection for the first time, slowly taking in the shitty hospital bathroom behind him, smelling of disinfectant and shit, with walls so white it hurt his eyes. He looked at himself, covered in blood like he’d been the one in a car accident. He wasn’t. But Isabel was. Isabel. Dear sweet Isabel. Too naive. Too nice. Too kind. Too young. She never had a place in this life, his life. Yet he selfishly kept het by his side, promising her safety and protection. And what has he done? He’d caused her death. And now, he could only feel pure anger.
He ran his fingers through his hair. Bloody fingers. He put his hands back down and stared. Killer’s hands. Bloody hands. Fuck. He turned the water all the way on but the shitty pressure left him unsatisfied. No choice. He had to clean the blood now. He couldn’t dirty Isabel’s blood with the snakes’ now, could he? He cleaned his hands. Then his face, keeping his hands in front of his eyes and squeezing them shut. Like it could make a difference. Like not seeing could bring Isabel back.
Count to ten. Breathe. Dry fingers. Dry face and hair. Breathe. Look up. Meet his own gaze.
Shit, he was going to murder them all.
He was standing on the rooftop of some bar in the snake’s district. He had a lighter. And gasoline. He vaguely felt the wind picking up around him. But it was distant. He couldn’t feel much of anything at that point. He had stopped feeling sometimes around him leaving the hospital. He was not sure how he got the gasoline, nor how he got there. But it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was the oncoming death of all snakes. And he was the punisher. The executioner. Right there and then, he was Death. He smirked as he remembered that no one ever knew when death was coming. He watched as all the snakes were living their small insignificant lives down in that pit, none of them realising death was standing on a rooftop and observing.
No one, not one thing in the world could stop him now.
The only person who could have, was dead. Dead because of them. And they were all about to pay for this. They were going to pay for robbing him of her laugh, of her stupid smiles, of her good morning said too loud in the quiet morning of their apartment. They were going to pay for depriving the world of her melodies sung under her breath as she did something, melodies sung so loud they would echo in his very core. They were going to pay for causing all his pictures to feel empty from this moment onwards.
“Levi.”
He flinched, not expecting to hear this voice. Not so soon. Not here. Not after what he had done. Not before what he was about to do. He needed to be strong. He had to do it. He couldn’t listen to this voice now. He had to avenge her. He had to. They had to pay.
“Levi.” The voice was so calm, and soothing, like he needed to be soothed. Fuck how could they be so calm. How could they just stand there, behind him, and not push him off the roof? After what he’d done, he deserved it. He wouldn’t even fight it. “You have to stop.” Levi laughed, a broken laugh, a bit teary. Why was he crying? He wasn’t the one who’d burned alive. “Levi. Come on. She wouldn’t want that.”
“Shut your fucking mouth!” Levi screamed as he whipped around to face his friend. “Shut your fucking mouth. Don’t talk like you know what she’d want.”
“Why, Levi? Are you the only one who knew her? Did I not live with the both of you? Wasn’t she my friend also?”
“Shut up, don’t talk about her like she’d want something or another.” Levi flicked the lighter on. “She’s fucking dead. She is. Fucking. Dead.” He flicked it off.
“And what? Killing all those people will bring her back?”
“You know it won’t!” Light danced across Levi’s fingers as he turned the lighter on and off a couple of times.
“I know that.” His friend stepped forward, closing the distance between them. “Do you?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Levi turned his head and looked at his friend without really seeing him. “Why are you defending them? They killed her!”
“I’m not defending anyone. She was in a car crash, Levi. That’s all there is to it.”
“You know as well as I do that’s not true.” He tightened his hold on the lighterFurlan, you know that.”
“Levi. You have to stop. You can’t kill all these people because you think one of them might be responsible for her death.”
“Can’t I?”
“Levi, please. I lost her too, you know. You’re not the only one hurting.” Levi sighed as Furlan looked up to the sky. “I lost her tonight, I don’t want to lose you too.” Furlan finally looked at him, for the first time tonight, and held out a hand. Levi kept on playing with the lighter in his hands. He met Furlan’s eyes and almost cried at the storm of emotions he could see in them. As much as Furlan’s tone had remained even and calm during this conversation, his eyes were full of hurt, fear and exhaustion. “Are you going to make me watch my best friend lose his mind?” He asked ever so quietly, almost a murmur, almost lost to the sound of the wind still whipping so high up. “Am I going to plan two funerals instead of one?” Right then, Levi knew he had lost. Furlan knew as well. “You said you’d protect us, always. Are you going to hurt me? Are you going to kill me if I stand in your way?”
“You know I would never hurt you.” Levi’s voice was barely a whisper. He was shaking, tears burning his eyes, fighting to get out. His throat was so tight he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“Do I?” Furlan took his hands in his. His fingers covering Levi’s and slowly working his hands open. As Levi finally released the tight grip he had on the lighter, Furlan raised a brow and smiled at him. “Then please, let go.”
And he did.
Levi was not sure how he got home. To be fair, he was not sure he was really home. Nothing felt real. Everything felt slightly wrong. And he was lost. Drifting in a world he could no longer recognise. He had always scoffed at stupid people and their stupid idioms and phrases like “a single person is missing for you and the whole world is empty”. Well, he wasn’t laughing anymore. Everything was shit. Shittier than usual, at the very least.
Furlan was on the phone, looking like he was about to cry or pass out, or both. He was writing down funeral information. And all Levi could do was watch. Nothing was real. Nothing. He went back to staring at the piece of ceiling above his head. Shitty ceiling in his shitty apartment. He didn’t know how it got there but there was a stain. A brown stain, right there, on his ceiling. How. Maybe it was coffee. He hoped it was coffee. There were a lot of weirdly placed stains in his apartment. He could thank both of the idiots that lived with him for that. Clumsiness, weird food experiences, play fighting that turned ugly, they had such an imagination when it came to making sure he’d never get his deposit back.
So he really hoped it was a coffee stain. Maybe he should stop thinking about it. Maybe he’d get them to paint it white again. What was the saying? You fuck it up, you fucking fix it. And to be honest he was ninety-nine percent sure Isabel was the guilty one for this particular stain, so she could damn well paint over her mistake. Except she was dead.
Levi opened his eyes. When had he let them shut? Fuck, everything hurt. His body hurt. His brain hurt. He felt cold and vulnerable, sitting there on the couch. Couch where Isabel had fallen asleep so many times before. Fuck. What was he going to do without her? What was the point of this whole world if she was not in it? He wiped his eyes, only there were no tears. Some fucking friend he was, not even crying for her. Was he not sad over her death? Did he not care? Did she not deserve all his tears? What the fuck was wrong with him? He punched the cushion next to me, willing himself to cry. But nothing came.
He laid down fully, slowly, and turned his back on the room. He felt exposed and still vulnerable, like the softest whisper spoken in his direction would break him completely. If he was not already broken. He didn’t know. He curled in on himself, wishing, not for the first time, that he’d died when he’d had the chance.
Levi had no idea how long he’d been there. He vaguely remembered Furlan forcing him to turn around, Furlan talking to him, Furlan forcing a water bottle in his hands, Furlan making him drink, Furlan crying quietly. Levi felt guilty, just a bit, for causing his friend grief in this situation. Yet, he couldn't make himself move, or talk, or eat. He was just there, barely existing. He’d heard Furlan yell at his phone, calling his interlocutor an asshole and a fuckhead. Somewhere down in his haze, Levi hoped Furlan didn’t say that to the people who take care of Isabel’s body.
He lost track of time again, lost himself in his head.
A hand on his forehead startled him out of his trance. He looked up, expecting Furlan with yet another water bottle. It wasn’t. Last he’d checked Furlan did not have blond hair. He was also short and lean. Levi blinked stupidly, unable to comprehend what was happening. The man grabbed his shoulders and manhandled him until Levi was sitting up properly.
“You’re a disaster.” The man said, looking at him with an eyebrow raised mockingly.
Levi stared. And stared. The man’s eyebrow went down into a frown. He raised his hand again and pushed the back of it against Levi’s forehead.
“Have you been eating?”
Only the silence answered him.
“Levi?”
Finally, and with great effort, Levi replied.
“Fuck you.”
“That lacks the usual bite but I’ll take it. At least, you’re talking.” He smiled at Levi. Why was he even smiling? Fucking stupid big oaf.
He pulled Levi up by his arms and marched him to the table a few feet away. He sat him down in front of a plate full of food before taking the seat across.
“Eat.”
Levi looked down at the vegetables and the piece of what he thought was chicken sitting on the plate and immediately gagged, pushing his chair away from the table and turning until he couldn’t see the food anymore. He shivered and felt his throat closing up. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as possible, willing the wave of nausea to go away. When that didn’t work, he got up and stumbled his way to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilets and tried to breathe through the pain in his stomach. A few seconds later, a familiar hand was on his forehead while another hand stroked slow circles on his back. He shivered again. He was confused, everything hurt. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears he couldn’t understand what Erwin was saying behind him. Erwin.
Erwin. Erwin. The man was Erwin. When did he get back? What was he doing here? He was supposed to be gone for weeks? What happened? Did someone die?
“Erwin,” he choked on air, “Erwin..”
“I know, I’m here,” Erwin moved even closer, draped himself onto Levi’s back, “I’m sorry, I know, I’m here, it will be okay. Right now, you just need to breathe, alright?” Levi nodded. “You’re okay, it’s okay.”
For the first time in a while, Levi felt himself tethered, both his feet firmly on the ground. Paradoxically, his mind drifted off to the sound of Erwin calling his name.
His name was being called. He knew his name was being called. He knew his name. Levi. That was his name. He also knew who was calling him. Erwin. He knew that. But it was so hard. Everything was hard. Opening his eyes, keeping them open, try to comprehend what was being asked of him. There was something pressing his hand sometimes, he wanted to press back but found himself unable. There was something soft under his head, feathery soft, a pillow maybe. He was comfortable in spite of the pain that wrecked his whole body. He fell asleep.
He woke up suddenly. The transition left him gasping and disoriented, he opened his eyes as wide as he could, and closed them back immediately when the light in the room proved to be too much too fast and burned his retinas. He groaned and blinked a few times. He breathed in, nothing hurt, it felt okay. He opened his eyes again, taking his time and letting himself adjust to the light in his room. Because he was in his room, on his bed. He was home and he was safe and he felt okay.
He moved his arms and touched his face, as if to check he was real and alive. He got up and winced as his stomach clenched painfully. Right, food. He didn’t know when he had eaten last, but he could guess a few days wouldn’t be that far off.
The second he opened the door to his room, he was hit by the scent of fresh coffee. He made his way to the kitchen where he found Erwin and Furlan hunched over the table. They looked up at the sound of his footsteps getting closer. Furlan gave him a smile that did not reach his eyes.
“Hey there, Sleeping Beauty. Finally joining us, then?”
“Shut up,” Levi frowned, “You’re too loud. Fuck, I feel like I was hit by a train.”
“Close enough,” Furlan dropped the smile, handing him a freshly made cup of coffee. “After the little stunt you pulled at the rooftop, you got sick, idiot. You had a fever.” Levi took a sip as he raised a brow. “You were so out of it most of the time, it was scary. Sometimes you were delirious. Yeah, all in all, the past thirty hours were a lot of fun. I thought you were going to finally die. Thanks, dickhead.”
A few seconds passed in silence, “Are you mad at me because I got sick?”
“No,” Furlan snapped as he put his mug down harshly, “I’m pissed off because you almost got yourself killed. I’m pissed because instead of grieving the loss of my little sister, I had to babysit your dumb ass. You threatened to go after the snakes on your own, then got sick, so sick I felt the need to call Erwin to ask if I could take you to the hospital because I didn't know what to do. I’m pissed because you’ve been such a piece of shit since Isabel died that I can’t stand your dumb face.” He got up and grabbed the jacket that was hanging on the back of his chair. “Are you mad at me because I got sick,” he muttered under his breath in a terribly bad impression of Levi.
Furlan put his jacket on and left the room while cursing Levi’s name and existence. A few seconds later, the front door slammed shut, letting a heavy silence settle over the kitchen.
“Damn, could’ve just said no.”
Erwin rolled his eyes, “You have been particularly hard to tolerate lately.”
“Well, fuck you too,” Levi snapped. “I didn’t ask for you to take care of me, now did I?”
Erwin simply looked at him, “My point exactly.” He reached for the chair next to him and pulled it back a little, a clear invitation for Levi to sit, or an order. Most likely an order. At any other time, Levi would have refused just for the sake of refusing. However, the challenge on Erwin’s face made him reconsider, the “try me” was easy enough to spot. So he sat down, pretending to be busy staring at his cup so he wouldn’t have to talk.
“Isabel’s funerals have been arranged.” Erwin started slowly. “They’re taking place in a couple of hours. You may want to get cleaned up a bit and eat something.” Levi could feel Erwin’s gaze on his cheek like it was burning. “You can’t do that, you know. Go after the snakes, I mean.” Erwin tapped on his shoulder. “Look at me. Please don’t be this more difficult than it has to be.”
Levi turned his head a bit, just enough to allow him to see Erwin in his peripheral vision. “Why are you here?”
Erwin leaned back in his chair. “Why do you think?” He sighed, “Levi, I got a text one night telling me one of the kids died, the other is crying and lost, and the last one has gone off the rails and is about to start a war. A few hours later, I got a text telling me both kids were brought home, just to get a panicked call the next day because, and I quote, please you have to let me take him to the hospital, he’s going to die, I don’t know what to do.”
“Fuck you, I’m not a kid, and-”
“You are. You may be old enough to be considered an adult, but in all the ways that matter, you’re nothing but capricious child.”
“Fuck you.”
“Because saying fuck you to everything you’re told is so mature, right Levi?”
“Why are you fucking here? Just to annoy me?”
“Exactly, I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time than babysitting a little brat.”
In his defence, Levi was tired and on edge. The punch just.. happened. One second, he was rolling his eyes, the next he had his fist leaving a nice imprint in Erwin’s cheek. Levi realised pretty quickly how badly he had just fucked things up. Erwin, who let him live, made sure Levi and his siblings had a roof and enough food, was just staring at him, eyes unreadable.
“Feel better?”
“Hum, I’m sorry?”
“Are you asking if you’re sorry?”
“No? I mean, no. I’m sorry.”
Erwin shook his head, “You’re not.” He rubbed his cheek, contemplating, “So, feeling better now? Can you go shower so we can get a move on?”
Levi nodded and made his way to the bathroom, scolding himself for putting everything he had to risk for nothing. He also remarked to himself that he needed to work on his left hook, Erwin hadn’t even moved, just took the hit like it was the flick of a finger.
The funerals were terrible. Well, no. They were beautiful, Furlan had organised a perfect goodbye for Isabel. There, that was the terrible part: saying goodbye to Isabel. That wasn’t meant to happen, not so soon at least. But as Furlan kept saying, it did happen.
The casket was closed. They couldn’t have left it open, the crash had been too violent. Instead there was a picture standing on the coffin. The picture had been cut so only Isabel was shown. She was smiling her brightest smile at the camera, eyes twinkling with mirth and throwing a peace sign to the right. She was wearing that dumb dress of hers, with Minnie Mouse’s face all over it except Minnie’s eyes were bloodshot like she was high. Fuck, Levi loved her so much. He felt a tear slip and decided that, for once, it was okay. He could cry here, every person in this room had lost Isabel, they could all understand and wouldn’t hold it against him. They would mourn her, they would celebrate her life, Levi would cry.
After the funerals, Levi and Furlan went back to their apartment where food and quiet were waiting. Erwin, Mike, Petra and a few others followed them home. Levi dropped down on the couch with a bottle of liquor, determined to get shit faced and pass out. He watched in silence as Petra put some music in the background, Furlan talked with Zoë, Mike listening on the side. He turned his head when the couch dipped next to him as Erwin sighed heavily.
“Alright?” Levi nodded and raised his bottle at him. “Right, cheers then.” To which, Levi nodded again.
The night went like this, the music growing louder and more cheerful as the minutes ticked by, the chatter rising in volume, Erwin still sitting next to Levi and quietly observing him and Levi drinking, going from watching Furlan to watching the stain on the ceiling above his head.
Levi was three quarters down the bottle when he heard it. The music. Isabel’s favourite music, some fucking pop song from the 2000s. Shit song, bubbly and dumb lyrics but she’d put it on at least once a day. Levi met Furlan’s eyes, and being drunk enough for this, decided to stand and go dance to that shit song with Furlan, just the way they’ve done so many times with Isabel. Of course when they danced, they felt the Isabel shaped hole with every second that passed. They cried a bit, never letting go of the smile that stupid song put on their faces. They’d be okay. It would take time, but they would be okay.
Once the song was over, Levi stumbled back to Erwin who was standing next to the couch. Erwin smiled at him. Fuck, sometimes Levi felt like that gentle smile could make him okay. That smile and those blue eyes. Erwin put a hand on his shoulder and raised a brow like he’d done all night long, meaning clear, “are you alright’. Levi nodded, feeling inexplicably giddy under Erwin’s stare. The latter smiled, before raising his other hand and decking Levi right in the cheek.
Levi, too drunk and too surprised, didn’t even think about defending himself and just took the blow. Erwin then pushed him until he fell on the couch, blinking away tears as pain bloomed in his face. Erwin crouched in front of him.
“Did you really think you could hit me and get away with it? Don’t forget who I am, I’ll put you back in your place every time, no matter how fond of you I may be.” Erwin tapped him gently of the cheek. “Goodnight, Levi.”