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Fred let out a groan as Draco hit George with a splintering blue spell that tossed him into the grass.
George picked himself up with good grace. “Nice Flipendo Malfoy! You’ll have to teach us how you get it so accurately. We managed to cast it in first year but-”
“Georgie, if you keep talking I think Draco-dearest may actually swell to the size of the Giant Squid,” Fred cut in.
As George had been complimenting the younger boy’s dueling ability with his usual effusiveness, Draco had been growing smugger and smugger. His neck bent at an almost perfect right angle as he tried to look down on the Twins, despite being nearly a foot shorter. Of course, at Fred’s words, his expression dropped instantly into his Malfoy Scowl™.
“And there’s the other mood. My young friend, does it hurt to constantly oscillate between the same two emotions?”
“I don’t know where you got the notion that we were friends, Weasley 1, but disabuse yourself of it immediately,” Draco hissed, flouncing away to critique someone else’s duelling.
The Twins burst into laughter once he was out of earshot. George turned a speculative eye to his brother. “You know Freddie, baby Malfoy has quite the look…”
Fred looked at his twin for a moment before breaking into a grin that would have had every sensible being (read, Pansy) at Hogwarts turning in the opposite direction had they seen it. “Oh Freddie-Weddie, you say the loveliest things!”
[HpHpHp]
Rigel’s first clue that something was afoot was at breakfast the next morning. As she and her year-mates made their way towards the Great Hall, they noticed a thick herd of students clustered around the noticeboard at the entrance.
“Honestly, surely even the plebeians have heard of decorum,” Theo sneered, the kind of boy who would curse Merlin himself if he tried to come between Theo and his morning French Toast.
They slowly pushed their way through the students, whose laughter grew louder as they caught sight of her group.
Perhaps for once, I’m not at the center of whatever new debacle has hit Hogwarts, Rigel thought, noticing the way the school's eyes seemed to land on Draco. She immediately shook off that thought as alarmingly self-absorbed. Maybe I am Sirius’s son.
As she finally reached the board, Rigel realised at once what had caught everyone’s attention.
MEET M. I. L. F. MOBILE: MALFOY’S IRRITABLE LOURING FACE, NOW PORTABLE FOR YOUR PERSONAL USE!
The words were plastered in sparkling orange letters each the size of a house elf’s head, but what really caught her attention was the startlingly lifelike masks hanging below, each with Draco’s scowling expression.
Rigel swallowed her laughter and turned towards her best friends, where she was immediately confronted with the real-life MILF.
Draco seemed to visibly gather himself and smiled thinly. “I am going to kill them,” he said with uncharacteristic calmness before leisurely weaving through the rest of the crowd and making his way into the Hall.
Rigel stood dumbfounded before rushing in after him.
[GwGwGw]
George cut into his toast with a careful spell, deep in thought, “Do you think six or nine squares today, Friddy?”
“Georgino, I do believe that our muse has caught on,” Fred said, catching sight of the blonde missile heading straight for the Gryffindor table. “And nine obviously, we have Potions first period.”
“You wretched beasts-” Draco started.
“I don’t think we’ve ever been called ‘wretched’ before!”
“You disgusting wretched beasts,” Draco said, even louder, “How dare you! Never in my life have I been so insulted, so utterly disrespected…” Draco continued in the same vein for quite some time, though the Twins quickly lost focus, even as the rest of the Gryffindor table grew more and more fascinated as Draco vividly described his fury. They tuned back in as Draco finished with a shriek, “I challenge you to a duel!”
The Terrors blinked in unison before smiling sweetly up at Draco. “We don’t have wands!”
They stared with interest as Draco’s eye started twitching.
[DmDmDm]
For the next week, MILF Mobiles found their way into every corner of Hogwarts, especially ones that Draco frequented.
If Binns ever paid attention to his students, he would have been shocked at the first History of Magic class in recent Hogwarts history where every single student stayed awake. (Of course, if Binns had ever paid attention to his students, perhaps it wouldn’t have been the first class in which the children were conscious.) Through the professor’s translucent form, the class stared at a MILF Mobile, hanging on the chalkboard. Somehow, Binns’ words became more interesting when the students could imagine the words coming out of Draco’s dour face.
In Herbology, Neville Longbottom let out a shriek in startlement at the sight of a MILF Mobile hiding behind an otherwise innocent-looking pot.
In McGonagall’s class, the third-years looked more eager at the sight of MILF Mobile in a dusty corner than her animagus transformation.
It was Snape’s class that had Draco seething for days. Goyle’s potion had exploded with almost boring predictability and Snape fished out a MILF Mobile. His expression at the sight of the mask had whispers of a “SILF” spreading through the school.
[HpHpHp]
The incident that had truly disturbed Rigel happened on an otherwise ordinary Tuesday.
She and Pansy had been heading to the Quidditch Pitch to meet Draco when Pansy suddenly grabbed her arm and ground them to a screeching halt. Their close proximity to the Grand Staircase meant they could hear a conversation a floor above, not that the ones speaking were making any effort to quieten their voices.
“Susanna! I cannot believe you bought one of those!” came a girl’s voice.
“The Terrors were practically giving them away yesterday! For just a Knut!” came the other girl’s defence, likely “Susanna”.
A third girl spoke next, “I think it’ll look perfectly dashing in our dorm. I know just the place for it, too.”
“Lorelai!” said a scandalized girl, before bursting out into giggles. “I’ll bet Marietta will really enjoy that, you know how she is about ‘MILFs’...”
Their conversation continued, but Rigel and Pansy had stopped listening. Rigel stared at Pansy with abject horror, thinking that Pansy looked a little too amused for her tastes. But the two were otherwise in agreement.
“Draco can never know about this,” Pansy said lightly.
“He’ll become entirely insufferable,” Rigel agreed fiercely.
[HpHpHp]
Things came to a head the next weekend, at dinner after a Hogsmeade visit. The children were flushed with excitement and sugar from the day, and in the mood for a show. The Weasley Twins gladly obliged.
In an instant, large covered silver platters appeared along each of the House tables. Brave students from every House trepidatiously lifted the lids to see what was underneath and all of Hogwarts was met with cakes that had a familiar face on them.
As grand finales went, it was a little unoriginal, but perhaps the author couldn’t think of anything else. Regardless, Draco let out a scream in frustration and stormed over to the Gryffindor table.
“I think they broke him,” Blaise said, sounding quite cheerful about Draco’s descent.
There was no banter this time, he simply jabbed his wand and sent the Twins floating out of the Hall, performing nonverbal magic in his anger. He dragged them out into the courtyard where he could properly curse them into oblivion.
[AdAdAd]
At the staff table, Minerava sighed and folded her napkin. “Shall we, Severus?”
He grimly acquiesced and the two made their way out of the Hall, used to the shenanigans of their respective Houses.
The rest of the professors remained seated, and Filius floated over the nearest cake, eager to try. “Would you like a piece, Albus?” he asked as he began cutting it up for the other staff.
“Ah, I will have to decline, Filius,” Albus said, eyes twinkling. “I prefer DILFs myself.”