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lord, what will become of me
once i've lost my novelty
/
how long will this be cute, all this crying in my room?
when you can't blame it on my youth
and roll your eyes with affection
and my cheeks are growing tired
from turning red and faking smiles
are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention
/
and i wonder if they'll still miss me once they drive me out
will you still want me when i'm nothing new
Carlos enters the firehouse after his shift; it’s familiar to him.
Even after those three very long, seemingly never ending months of not visiting TK during his shifts— because of their… you know . He refuses to think about those months anymore. No use in dwelling.
(Ever since TK opened his eyes and said “ hey, baby ”. Ever since he told him to breathe… breathe, breathe ; as TK himself was laying in front of him in a hospital bed for the third time since Carlos has known him. Recently comatose, and dying , with all sorts of tubes doing the breathing for him. TK had always been able to just know exactly what he needed. Carlos hadn’t been able to really just take a breath. It was like he was holding his breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. Ever since he had learned just how bad it really was this time. Then TK, eyes barely open, fluttery and tired, with his voice soft and unused told him to. Ever since he held out his hand. Ever since he yanked at Carlos’ sweater with his weakened grip and Carlos went oh so willingly.
Ever since he saw TK thrash awake, trying to pull at the tubes in his throat. Watching the life flood back into TK, Carlos has known ; nothing will break them apart again.)
Station 126 is still a second home.
All the on duty firefighters greet him with warm smiles, some with quick hugs, or a simple “hey, man!” It’s nice, comforting, to have another family that is also so loving, so unconditional.
He spots TK quickly. It’s a superpower they both have, being able to seek the other out in a crowded room. He’s wearing the black slacks and a gray Austin Fire t-shirt leaning against the ladder truck with Nancy as they chat with Paul, Marjan, Judd, and Mateo. The latter are checking equipment or polishing the rig.
He has a beautiful smile on his face, bright and blinding. (Carlos remembers when he thought he’d never see it again. He banishes the thought.) It’s utterly contagious and Carlos finds himself grinning too.
I don’t even need the sun for warmth , he thinks, and if the sun ever went out, all I’d need is his smile.
He’s approaching them as Captain Strand— Owen, he constantly is correcting himself— turns the corner too. “TK! Leave my firefighters alone, you’re distracting them.” Nevermind the fact that Nancy is standing there laughing with them too. But Owen calls out his son.
And it’s playful, he knows this. He can hear the joking tone. And Owen is a good father, objectively, at least.
(To anyone else he seems good and kind and supportive. But Carlos knows how TK truly feels. Carlos has been there for the rants, for the breakdowns. Carlos held him while he cried, for God’s sake, as he learned that his own father wasn’t there while he was in a coma, while he was dying . (He felt better when Carlos told him how Andrea came and even when she learned he broke her son’s heart, she said she loved TK and wouldn’t leave.)
TK feels cheated and he resents his father a little. And it’s understandable to Carlos. Owen was ready to be the perfect father for an unborn nameless baby, to get the surgery he fought TK on, when the son he was already given was sitting right in front of him.
TK’s been loved, but has always felt lonely.)
The comment really shouldn’t make Carlos shift into cop mode. It shouldn’t make him feel ready to dive in front of TK like there’s a bullet about to strike him. It shouldn’t make his heart pound in anger.
But it does.
He walks closer, and he sees it. TK’s shoulders are drawn tight. His smile has all but disappeared. All that was left was a small twitch of the lips. Something to let everything else know he’s all right, that he gets the joke.
Carlos’ anger grows.
But he doesn’t say anything. He’s been raised into a respectable man. And his mom would absolutely kill him and bring him back, just to kill him again, if she ever saw, or even heard about him cursing out Captain Strand. Even if the man deserves it.
Carlos has been taught to respect one’s elders. So he bites his tongue.
He wraps an arm around TK’s waist when he reaches him. Squeezes his hip and presses a lingering, reassuring kiss to the side of his head. TK simultaneously relaxes. He turns into Carlos’ chest and whines softly enough for only him to hear, until Carlos brings his arms around him for a crushing embrace. Carlos’ heart breaks. TK only gets like this, this as in instantly clingy, when he’s upset.
“Hey,” Carlos mumbles, his lips brushing the shell of TK’s ear.
“Hey, baby, you’re here.” Carlos hums and just holds him tight. “You’re always here when I need you. How do you do that?”
Carlos jokes, hoping for a smile, “I’ve got a TK radar in my brain. It goes off whenever you need me.”
TK pulls back, just a hair's breadth away, and there’s that smile again. Carlos can’t help it when he leans down and kisses him.
There’s loud whooping and cheers of “Get some, TK!”, and he remembers their audience. He almost forgot.
TK steps back, but doesn’t go far. He never quite seems to anymore. If they’re in the same room, they have to be touching. It’s their honeymoon phase all over again. He tucks himself into Carlos’ side, a slight blush to his cheeks, and Carlos swings an arm around his shoulders. He feels so small next to him like this.
“Y’all just are too damn cute,” Judd comments. Carlos beams and TK presses the kiss to his cheek this time.
“That’s the goal, Judd.” TK rebutes. “We’re trying to dethrone you and Grace as the sweetest couple.”
Judd barks out a laugh, “As if. Maybe when pigs fly.”
“I don’t know about that TK,” Marjan says. “But I guess daddy always said dream big?”
They all laugh together but TK protests. “We’re even cuter and more insufferable now. Shut up.”
“If you ever think about breaking up again, I will lock you two in a closet together and throw away the key,” Nancy exclaims, waving a finger in their direction. It’s slightly threatening.
Carlos butts in, “You do not have to worry about that ever happening again, Nance. We’re good.”
“Nancy’s not the only one who’d get in on it,” Mateo says. “TK was awful after. He wouldn’t speak, didn’t leave his room, and he blasted horrible depressing music. I couldn’t sleep the whole time.”
TK groans, loudly.
Owen interrupts their teasing, “All right guys, let’s get back to work.” There are multiple ‘yes, Cap’s and TK opens his mouth like he’s going to say it too, but then snaps it shut. Carlos leads them away from the firefighters. TK is suspiciously quiet.
“When’s your shift done again?” Carlos asks. He knows already. TK is off in about an hour.
“I thought you two would have that shit memorized!” Nancy laughs as she pushes past them, racing to the ambulance bay. There’s no call, or else TK would be extracting himself from Carlos’ side. She’s probably just trying to give them privacy, even if she made the comment.
“You know, Carlos.”
“I do. I just want to– you’re okay, right?”
TK stops and whirls towards him. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He sounds defensive, and it’s biting. He’s bordering on angry. But it’s just how TK is, Carlos reminds himself. He’s trying to pick a fight, instead of being known. Carlos won’t let him do it.
“TK, babe,” He doesn’t say, I know you. “I saw how tense you got.”
TK crosses his arms, backing away from Carlos. He’s positioned like he’s ready to fight. “I’m fine. Just tired.” Carlos knows he’s lying. He can tell how much the comment really bothered him.
But he doesn’t push it.
They hang out for a little while until there’s a RA call. Carlos and Nancy teasing TK about the angsty music he undoubtedly blasted during their break up. It should hopefully be one of TK’s last calls of the day. Carlos will meet him at the door when he gets home. Dinner ready and kept warm for him. Hopefully in the safety of their loft, TK will open up.
TK gives him a peck on the lips as he jumps up from the couch. Nancy is already off and out of sight. TK begins to run down the stairs and before he’s out of Carlos’ earshot, he yells after him, “Love you! See you at home!”
*
When TK makes it home, there’s Carlos, standing at the door. Even if a shift goes long, he’s always there. TK’s heart bursts each time.
“Baby, I love you for it, but you really don’t have to stand by the door waiting for me after shift.” Carlos doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t really have to. TK says it every time. And every time Carlos is home, he’s there waiting.
He greets TK with a bruising kiss and leads him to the dinner table. Chicken tamales are in the middle of the table.
“How did you have the time? It was only an hour, right? I didn’t lose time or something insane, like slip into a coma again?” Carlos glares at him for the comment. He raises his hands. “What? It’s gonna have to be funny eventually.”
“It’ll never be funny, TK. I thought I–” Carlos cuts himself off, the emotion in his voice thick. TK feels bad instantly. He knows some of the details Carlos wouldn’t tell him from Nancy. How hard it really was for him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” Carlos kisses his cheek in response, and he’s forgiven.
Carlos opens his chair for him, before taking a seat across from him. “To answer your question. Mom helped. She brought them over when I got home, said I have to ‘keep her future son-in-law fed’. Nevermind that I can cook just fine. I just think she loves you more than me. She’s never just brought me tamales.”
TK’s cheeks burn. “She said that?”
Carlos backtracks. He offhandedly mentions it, not really thinking TK would get stuck on it. “Of course, babe. She’s been dropping hints to me about marrying you since you woke up. Well, before that, if I’m being honest.”
“Yeah, I recall her saying ‘he’s got the love of his life waiting for him’.”
“I still can’t believe she told you she said that.” Carlos is blushing a cute pink.
“She’s right, though. She’s very smart, Carlos. You should listen to your mother and let her feed us.”
TK takes a bite and practically moans. He’s going to marry into one amazing family one day.
“Speaking of parents…” Carlos says. He’s smart because TK is distracted by food and can’t immediately protest this change in topic. “About what your dad said today. Tell me the truth, now.”
TK bristles. Well, he wants to bristle. He wants to start a fight. He hates how that’s his first response. But after he and Carlos talked it all through, Carlos knows him better than anyone. He’s told him things he’s never told anyone else. Carlos knows how his instinctual reaction is to blow things up when he’s upset. Carlos just always happens to be in the crossfire.
He calms. He controls his breath and remembers Carlos just wants him to be honest. He isn’t trying to hurt him. He wants to help.
“I know he was joking… but it still stung. Nancy was there too and we weren’t even distracting them,” His voice raises slightly. He calms it, he’s not going to yell at Carlos when he’s mad at his dad. “But he just had to call me out.”
“Yeah, I know, mi amor. And I hate how it makes you feel. Every time I want to scream at him.”
“Andrea would kill you.”
“Oh, I know. That holds me back each time.”
TK takes a big swig of his water. He’s tired of this feeling. That he’s never been quite enough for his father. Carlos sees right through him in an instant.
“You’re enough, TK. Just being you. You don’t need to be anything else.”
It doesn’t close the wound. But it patches it, which is enough, for now.
*
TK’s freaking out a little. Carlos sees him fumbling with trays as he sets them around the loft’s kitchen island. It’s the first night they’ve hosted at the loft. Everyone is coming. Not just Nancy, Paul, Mateo, and Marjan. All the 126. Judd and Grace with little Charlie, Tommy with Evie and Izzie, Owen, and even Carlos’ parents.
The kids, only Evie and Izzie, are going to play video games in their bedroom, while the adults chat. It’s been awhile since they’ve all just been together. The party for the reopening of the 126 is the last time Carlos can remember.
He wraps his arms around TK from behind him. “Breathe, baby.” He whispers in his ear. TK’s anxiety ebbs and the pitcher of virgin sangria, a recipe he got from Carlos’ mom, stills in his hands.
TK has wanted to host something since he’s been cleared for duty. It’s a late recovery party. Because he has to have one of those each time he escapes certain death. It drives Carlos crazy, all the reminders of almost losing TK.
Their family all arrive around the scheduled time. Nancy’s first, since she’s chronically early. Then Paul, who’s always without a doubt on time. TK calms more as the house slowly fills with people. As much as he’s nervous, he thrives on things like this. He’s a social butterfly, through and through. Which is fine with Carlos, he’s always been more of a homebody and they balance each other out.
Owen arrives last. And late. Like extremely late. Late to the point that TK has been tense since he realized his dad wasn’t there. He’s been gripping onto Carlos’ hand and checking his phone every few minutes. He’s worried. He’s surely remembering the last time his dad didn’t show. When he got involved in an arson case with Carlos’ own father.
But Owen ends up stepping through their door with a woman on his arm. Carlos can feel the anger rush through him. He was on a date. He’s late to his son’s party because of a date.
A party that he knows is important to TK.
Carlos has a very hard time biting his tongue as Owen introduces the woman to TK, then Carlos. He doesn’t even catch her name in his anger. He shakes his hand and welcomes her, ever polite.
Inside he’s ready to lose all control. But he keeps it in. He’s always been good at keeping things in.
*
TK doesn’t bring it up to Carlos, or even try to defend his dad. Carlos knows how he’s feeling right about now. TK can tell by the way he doesn’t leave his side the whole night. Not even when TK tries to extract himself to get a refill on his drink. Carlos goes with him, almost like a guard dog on high alert.
TK’s so grateful for this man.
*
The next time it happens, they’re on a call together. He and Mitchell had arrived first starting with crowd control.
It’s a multiple car pile-up on the highway. The first car hydroplaned, spinning bumper first into the guardrail, catching the end of another car as it went. The front of the car is smashed to hell. Carlos worries about the state of the driver’s legs. That second car is better off, not nearly as mangled, just looks like it could’ve been in a fender bender. But the driver had slammed on their brakes in their panic, and slid, causing other cars to do the same. Which made the following cars smash into each other. It’s a brutal sight. At least six cars hit and multiple people injured in various ways.
The driver who went into the guardrail is the current priority. He seems to be the only person stuck and also unresponsive. The 126 firefighters gently pull the driver out, handing him off to medical. To Tommy and TK and Nancy. Tommy barks out orders that Carlos can’t hear over the pounding rain.
He watches Paul and Marjan, and Mateo for another pair of hands, back away to handle triage of the less serious patients. Marjan comes up to someone holding a hand to a cut on their head and calmly asks to let her see. Paul passes him with a nod of his head. Judd and Owen linger nearby the man on the gurney. They both have worried expressions on their faces. He’s tempted to walk closer so he can see or even hear, but he knows he’ll just be in the way. He makes sure the crowd stays back trying not to think about TK just feet away.
Then Carlos hears yelling again. Angry yelling “That son of a bitch! My car!” It’s another man who’s involved in the crash. His car barely has a dent, but he’s running towards the driver all the same, like his car was the one totalled. Towards the gurney and the paramedics working.
“Mitchell, I’m gonna–” He starts but she waves him off in an I got this gesture and he takes off. He reaches the man in time, wrapping his arms around the man’s back, essentially in what would look like an embrace. He keeps his firm hold, and digs his feet in the ground to stop him from moving even an inch forward.
Carlos looks past the man, he sees the flatline on the machine. He sees TK desperately pounding at the man’s chest as he does CPR. He sees Tommy put a gentle hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t hear what she says. He can guess though.
TK, he’s gone.
He aborts his movement slowly. His hands fly up, jerky and shaking, and Carlos catches the blood all over them. Even with the rain, it clings to him. TK almost puts his head in hands but freezes when he notices the blood. His face turns sour.
Carlos didn’t realize how badly hurt the first driver was. If he would’ve—
No, it’s always best to wait for the medics. That’s the rule. But the hurt on TK’s face right now is enough to have Carlos second guess himself. He knows they lose patients, but he’s never actually been here when it’s happened.
TK comes back to life, unfreezing, and jolting. He doesn’t come back with grief, but with anger. He shoulders past Owen, storming away. He catches Carlos’ eye. Carlos starts to let go of the man who’s stopped struggling when the driver coded to make his way towards TK, to do something to comfort him right now. Or to figure out why he’s so angry.
The man slips out of Carlos’ grip and he lets him go, watching as Owen grabs onto TK’s forearm. TK pulls out of his grip easily.
“Don’t.”
“We all make bad calls, son.”
That’s why he’s angry. He thinks it’s his fault.
“It wasn’t my bad call that lost him, Dad! It was yours!” He yells, pushing at Owen’s shoulders. “Captain Vega should’ve called the shots, not you!”
Oh.
Owen doesn’t recoil like TK expects him too. Tommy walks closer to them, stepping into their argument.
“TK, go back to the rig.”
His face falls and he starts walking.
Owen speaks again, “It wasn’t my call that lost him.”
Carlos catches TK freeze, for only a short moment, before he walks on pretending he didn’t hear. Pretending that his own father didn’t just say that. Carlos has to remember he’s in uniform. Of all the times he’s wanted to yell at Owen, he can’t lose it now. Not when he’s on duty.
But he thinks all of it.
What kind of father lets his own son shoulder that blame? What kind of father doesn’t want to shield their son from that pain?
Why can’t you take any goddamn responsibility for your actions, Owen? And why is everything always about you?
*
This time is the last straw.
Carlos slams his car door shut, running into the station. It’s the end of their shift and the other team’s must be gone, the trucks and ambulances are not in the bay. It’s eerily quiet, unlike any other time he’s been here.
He doesn’t stop moving, looking for any signs of his boyfriend. He’s restless and can’t calm his ragged breathing.
TK needs him. He needs him composed.
(He’d gotten a call mid shift and luckily he’d been able to answer at the time. He'd just been doing paper work. Nancy had been on the other line, frantic. She said something about TK and an overdose. That’s all he heard when he scrambled away from his desk and told his captain he had to leave. She didn’t argue with him, when he told that TK could be hurt, and for that he’s glad.)
Paul emerges in the hallway and catches him. “He’s in here. He won’t respond to anyone. Just keeps asking for you.” He hooks his fingers towards the bunk room. Carlos doesn’t bat an eye as he walks in. It almost feels like an intrusion, he’s never been in this part of the firehouse before.
TK’s sitting on a bunk and he’s sobbing— huge ugly cries that shake his whole body. He’s gasping for breath with each cry.
Owen is standing near him, but not touching him. Tommy’s kneeling in front of him, gripping his hands, telling him to breathe with her. The rest of the 126 are watching from the far wall. They look tired and worse for wear. They should be at home, asleep, yet here they are rallying around TK. Watching him with worried faces.
“W-Where’s— Carlos?” TK gasps out each word. He’s clutching at Tommy’s hands, Carlos is sure the grip is bruising, but Tommy doesn’t look fazed. “On his way,” Tommy replies. She has a hand on his pulse point. Carlos is internally losing his mind with worry. On the outside, he's cool, composed.
“I’m here. I’m here.” He unfreezes and pushes his way forward, past Paul. Tommy backs away and he takes her spot, kneeling in front of TK.
“Hey, hey.” Carlos takes TK’s hand, the other he brings up to his face, stroking his cheek. “What happened, baby?”
TK shakes his head over and over. “I-I…”
“We were treating someone who OD’d. On oxys…” Nancy tells him, her voice low and trembling with worry. He could see the unshed tears in her eyes. She was trying to hold it together for TK.
“We had to break through their door,” Owen says.
Carlos puts the pieces together.
It’s eerily similar to the last time TK had overdosed. Back in New York. He’s been triggered and he’s panicking. Likely living in that moment over and over. Why he asked for Carlos and not Owen— who had been there, who had saved him —Carlos isn’t sure.
Something is off.
“Can you all give us a minute?” Carlos asks, not looking away from TK. He hears them all shuffle out. He hears six sets of feet move. But Owen, nearby, hesitates. He ultimately complies when TK struggles out, “G-Go, dad.” It’s as hissing as he can sound in his panic.
Something is wrong.
Carlos let’s out of breath when he no longer hears anything but TK. His focus is him, and all the people in here crowding him haven’t been helping. “Look at me, baby.” TK brings his wandering eyes to Carlos’ own and he lets Carlos hold his gaze. “Good, good. Now breathe with me. I know it’s hard, I know. You’re doing great.”
Carlos continues to murmur reassurances as TK’s breath gradually turns calmer and the sobs have turned to just soft sniffles. “There we go, baby.” Carlos stands, and TK’s grip on him tightens. He’s scared he’s leaving. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He takes a seat next to him on the bed and pulls him close. TK buries his face in Carlos’ neck, breathing him in. “Thank you,” He whispers.
Carlos kisses his head. “Anytime.”
They sit quietly for a long time. Carlos let’s TK calm down and compose himself, before he’ll ask. Once Carlos is satisfied that he’s doing better. They stay in that embrace for a long time before he lets himself ask. He’s surprised the other team hasn’t come barging in. Or that he hasn’t even heard a sound from the station.
He eventually, softly and carefully, asks, “Baby, what did he say to you?”
TK shakes his head. In disbelief, he asks, “How do you always…?”
“I’ve seen it way too many times. I’ve seen you upset because of him. Way more than I’ve liked.”
TK doesn’t speak for a while. That’s fine with Carlos, he’ll let him take all the time he needs. When he does finally speak, he’s got a determined edge to his voice. Like he has something to prove. He’ll never have to prove anything to Carlos.
“We… I was fine. When we got there, I was fine, Carlos. Believe me. I wasn’t even triggered. I wasn’t even thinking about how it looked. Judd used the battering ram to break down the door. We found the kid still on the floor. But I was focused on my job, on saving the poor kid. Tommy called the shots and I followed them. I didn’t argue. I did everything right.”
Carlos nods, he believes him. He always will. He doesn’t say anything. He thinks TK needs to get through this before he does.
“We revived him. But it went south. I can’t—“
Carlos cuts him off, “TK, you don’t have to tell me all the details if it’s too hard. Just what he said, okay?”
TK inhales, exhales. “We brought the body to the hospital. Like protocol says. And I was still fine, even then. Nancy kept shooting me looks like I’d break, but I was fine. I think Tommy or my dad asked her to keep an eye on me. But I’ve been good for a long time, you know that. And when we got back to the station… the crew was waiting for us. Dad was standing there with this look on his face… like it was my life that had ended there. And how is that fair? I’m here. I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m happy.” He takes a shaky breath. Carlos presses kisses to his head until he’s ready to keep going.
He whispers the next part, his voice dejected, “It’s like he expects me to break.”
“No, no, I’m sure he was just worried.”
“He was, and—and I appreciate that. I do. I don’t hold that against him. But Dad… When he hugged me and said that could’ve been you. That was what did it. And I know he has a point. It could have. I could’ve stayed dead back in the shitty New York apartment. He could’ve not been able to save me that time. I could’ve never met you… But bringing it up, when I’m two years sober? When he knows how good I’ve been, with going to therapy and AA meetings. It felt like a slap in the face. Like he doesn’t believe in me. Then… I kind of just started to panic.”
Carlos’ anger comes back. All the time Owen has hurt TK… all the times he bottled it up. Owen Strand doesn’t think sometimes, think about other people’s feelings or their reactions.
Carlos is sick of it. Especially when it comes to his own son. “I’m tired of holding my tongue, TK.” He stands, letting TK’s hand fall.
“Carlos, you really don’t have to—“
“I do.” He stomps out of the bunk room, TK right on his heels. He grabs Carlos’ fingers but Carlos doesn’t stop. TK drops his hand. He hears the rest of the paramedics and firefighters quietly talking and finds them in the kitchen.
Some of them have cups of coffee in their hands, others are blinking themselves awake. But they’re all here. He’s grateful for them. For this family. They’re amazing friends to TK. They deserve him.
“How could you?” He hisses, not bothering to lower his voice. He truly doesn’t care who hears him anymore. He doesn’t care if the other team is somewhere in this building. He doesn’t care about the repercussions. Andrea Reyes could appear right in front of him and he’d still lost his shit. The only person who could stop him now is God himself. “How could you?” He yells again. The room has fallen silent. All their eyes on Carlos as he stalks toward Owen. He points to TK, fury shaking his voice, “That’s your son.”
Owen’s eyebrows furrow and he looks lost. Confused. As if he’s never done anything wrong.
“Oh right! Owen Strand can do no wrong.” He’s aware of how crazy he sounds right now. How his voice borders on hysterical. It’s all the anger he’s repressed. No one makes a sound. It’s eerie, you could hear a pin drop.
“You don’t deserve TK as your son. You never have. You know he loves you? Despite you never being there for him when he was growing up. He might’ve been loved but he also grew up lonely. Enzo was there for him more than you! He was just Gwyn’s boyfriend. Not even his step-dad. His mom’s boyfriend was around more than you. More than his dad. And that’s what TK remembers about growing up. Not you taking him to his baseball games or showing up when he got hurt or going to his school events. You, not showing up.”
Owen opens his mouth and starts to stand, but Carlos doesn’t even let him speak. He holds up a hand. He’s scary calm when he says, “I’m not finished.”
Owen nods and sits back down, his lips in a tight line. The rest of the 126 look on, slightly horrified. Carlos doesn’t care what they’ll think of him after this. He can feel TK only a single step behind him, but TK doesn’t try to stop him. He doesn’t grab at his arm or beg him to go. So he continues.
“Despite everything you’ve done and said to him. He loves you, he worships you. But I’m done, Owen. I’m done watching the man I love think he’s not enough for you to simply show up!” He raises his arms, slapping them back to his sides in frustration.
“He told me he became a firefighter to be able to spend time with his dad. But you know that, don’t you? He told you last year, when he was questioning being a firefighter. He told you that all he wanted was a father. But you didn’t listen then and you still refuse to listen. So enough’s enough. You’re gonna listen this time.
“Remember his and I’s first fight since we were official? The one he asked for advice about and somehow you managed to twist it into being about you. He was upset, and it was still all about Owen. He told me that the pep talk ended up being you and Gwyn just throwing jabs at each other.
“Then, this takes the cake on everything you’ve ever said, really. He begged you to get that surgery, for weeks. Then as soon as you find out you’re having a kid, you schedule it. You say to the son you have been given, the son sitting right goddamn in front of you, ‘I am going to be a father’. Did you even look at him when you said that? How his face fell, how he shut down. Then you wondered why he had been upset and cold with you for the rest of the day.
“God, sometimes you just don’t think.
“Remember when you accused him of throwing a tantrum when he applied to be a paramedic. He was so anxious, waiting to see if Tommy would interview him. He was excited to save people, to not need saving, but to do the saving. I’d never seen him so excited about something. But then you turned it around and you made it about you. Again.
“And yet another time, at TK’s one year sober party. I saw you and Gwyn whispering, I heard you say you had to tell him, but just not yet. I didn’t know what it was about then, but whatever it was, I knew he had a right to know. And then when he found out you guys broke it off, you had so little faith in him, that you thought he’d run off and OD. He’s far used to being disappointed by you, Owen.
“Let’s not forget the arsonist.” Carlos laughed bitterly. “He specifically told you right to your face that he was going after what you loved most. And you went to the firehouse, first. Not to own your son.”
Carlos inhales, looking around at the members of the 126, they’re growing angry. Judd’s face is taking on his ‘protective older brother’ look. Paul, Marjan, and Mateo all shift away from their captain. Tommy looks horrified.
Nancy doesn’t look as surprised. Carlos thinks TK’s probably already told her.
“And the worst one? When you left your comatose, dying son to go off on some bullshit quest! You left him. He looked for you when he woke up. At first I made some excuse for you. Then he kept asking why you weren’t there and I couldn’t anymore. I held him as he cried. I held him as he asked me why he wasn’t enough for you.
“He deserves better than a father who puts everyone else above his own son.”
Carlos finishes, angry and battered but he feels better. Owen deserves more than being yelled at, he deserves much more than Carlos throwing this in his face. He watches as the 126 stand and make their way towards TK. He watches as Owen sits there berated, he’s beginning to look regretful. Good, maybe he’ll realize. Maybe he’ll start to do better.
Owen eventually exits the room. Then everyone moves.
Judd comes close and crushes TK to his chest. “I’m sorry, little brother, we didn’t see it. I’m so sorry.” Marjan, Mateo, Paul, Nancy, and Tommy murmur agreements. They all take turns hugging him.
“Let’s go home, baby,” Carlos says when they trickle out of the room. TK crumbles into his arms. He isn’t quite inconsolable this time, just letting out the tears he’s tried to never shed. All the emotions he’s held back all this time.
“Thank you,” He says, exhaling, “for saying what I couldn’t,”
Always, Carlos thinks, looking down at this wonderful, selfless man that he had the privilege to call his, always.